Dear lads at theLadBible.com,

So, lads, here’s the thing: I have some issues with your bible.

You appear to have become a force to be reckoned with: you feel confident enough to call yourselves the "UK's largest online entertainment website", you're winning awards and I can see that you want to be taken seriously (like, desperately) as whatever it is you consider yourself, thus rendering any attempt to settle my beef with the very problematic nature of your website as a whole a massive waste of my time and energy.

“What are you moaning about, then?” I hear a chorus of lads cry.
Literacy.

I know, I know… Literacy is neither sexy nor exciting and you probably haven’t heard the term since primary school but, by God, it's important and you, as a news outlet, shouldn’t need to be reminded of this. 

I cannot be the first person to try to explain to you lads that grammar and Standard English are essential.  I can tell by the quality of writing you publish that none of you are particularly enamoured with the rules of the English language but you should know that, as an English teacher and a lover of the written word, it genuinely pains me to read through some of your work. 

Technically (and terrifyingly), you lads are legit journalists now; writing is your job (OMG I know, right?)  Even if it’s never taken precedence in your lives before (which, quite honestly, it should have), this shit matters now.  Get your acts together and read your work, lads!  We have to.

It’s worth noting that I normally teach 11-16 year olds with reading ages significantly lower than their actual age.  I know a lot of them read your site regularly and, for some, it'll be the only thing they read outside of school.  This is an issue for several reasons but I’m going to focus on the one most easily fixed.  I tell my students that the more they read, the better the quality of their writing will become.  I'm constantly reminding them that, if they are seeing punctuation, spelling and interesting vocabulary used correctly, they’re subconsciously learning how to do this in their own writing.  You could be helping to improve the low levels of literacy in this country but, instead, you could actually making it worse.

Even if you don’t buy my teen illiteracy guilt trip, let’s be honest with one another.  You are a publishing business; your use of the English language shouldn’t be questionable.  If you genuinely want to compete with the big guys and be taken seriously, you need to ensure the quality of writing is as good as the subject matter passable.

But, do not fear, lads, for the Lean, Mean Grammar Machine™ is here!  I’ve been conducting an experiment where I read your posts and log the mistakes you’re commonly making.  I’ve used this information to carefully tailor the following literacy lessons to suit your needs.  I'm aware I need to get a hobby.

(But, hey, in all seriousness, I do really hope you take my message on board.   I also hope you understand the light hearted manner in which this piece was written and get the joke here think it goes without saying that you’ll love this self-indulgent diatribe, start to punctuate properly and let me get on with my life because, as we've established, it’s hella exciting).

Lad Literacy Lesson 1: Apostrophes

I’m not going to lie to you, lads.  I understand the problems people have with apostrophes.  The little bastards can be tricky, they are normally autocorrected anyway and it seems to be just me and this girl (my hero <3) left who don’t hate them.  Still, as writers, you should probably revise the rules around them just to be on the safe side.

Lesson 1a) Contraction

In all honesty, you guys have nailed apostrophes for contraction.  Whether it’s “don’t”, “can’t” or “won't”, you’ve locked that shit down.  Well done, lads.

Lesson 1b) Possession

Mate…

Can I take this moment to ask you what programme you are writing your articles on before submission?  I only ask as I’m using Word right now and, even if I wanted to leave out an apostrophe (which I most definitely do not), I couldn’t.   Have you been fiddling with the settings?

These aren't even all the examples I found, I swear.

I grew weary of screenshotting them.

You know how bored you're getting of all these examples?

Imagine how I feel.
*sigh*


When something belongs to someone, they need an apostrophe to show their possession.

It’s relatively simple, lads.

 It’s relatively simple, lads.

I know six year olds that can do it. I know six year olds that can do it.

Okay.  Apostrophes = done.  Still with me?

Lad Literacy Lesson 2: Commas

I’ve got a confession to make, lads.  I hate commas.  Yeah, I said it.  I meant it; they’re my least favourite piece of punctuation (oh, pipe down – we all have a favourite and least favourite and you know it).  No one understands how to use them and chaos generally ensues when people try.  Nevertheless, let’s give this a whirl.  There are three reasons we use commas.

Lesson 2a) Comma Splicing

Splicing is not a pretty word but fear not, lads, it’s actually the most common literacy error I come across.  It’s essentially inaccurately using a comma instead of a full stop.  This seems to stem from the saying ‘use a comma every time you need to take a breath’, which is actually highly misleading. 

If you’re unsure, reread your sentence.  If both sides of the comma make sense on their own, you’ve spliced that bad boy!  The comma you’ve used should actually be a full stop (or something else… See Lesson 3a).

Lesson 2b) Complex Sentences

This is a slightly trickier skill to master and, in my opinion (because, let’s face it, we’d all love to hear some more of that), one of the trickiest elements of punctuation to teach.  

It all boils down to this: commas can be used to add extra information to a sentence.

For example:  The lads wrote an article.

This is a simple sentence.  

I can drop extra info in, ensuring I separate it with commas:

Even though they struggled to use punctuation, the lads wrote an article.

The lads, who were grammatically challenged, wrote an article.

The lads wrote an article, making sure it contained none of the possessive apostrophes it needed.

Unfortunately for the English language, the lads wrote an article.

I could remove the extra info and commas (in green) and my sentence (in red) would still make sense.

Now, to be fair, a lot of your sentences don’t make sense in the first place (See Lesson 4) but, once they do, commas will need to be placed correctly so that your readers can follow what it is you're trying to say.

Lesson 2c) Lists

You lads have got this down.  Don’t worry about lists.  Kudos to you.  Chufty badges all round.

Commas?  Check.

Lad Literacy Lesson 3: Semi Colons (a.k.a. my favourite piece of punctuation <3)

Ahh yes, lads, it’s time to discuss punctuation’s most elusive mistress.  Everyone loves to think they can use a semi colon but very few have the gift and, judging by the articles I’ve been reading, no one in your office has been born with this superpower.

Lesson 3a) To link two related sentences

Semi colons.  

Sometimes we call them ‘long full stops’.  Sometimes, we advise to use them instead of ‘because’.  Sometimes, we may tell you to BACK THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE SEMI COLON LAD BECAUSE IT HURTS MY HEAD.  WHAT YOU’RE DOING WITH THAT SEMI COLON IS PHYSICALLY HURTING ME AND I NEED YOU TO STOP.

No.  Whatever this semi colon was meant to be doing, it's not working.  No.

No.  Whatever this semi colon was meant to be doing, it's not working.  No.

But, if you’re determined, try to remember splicing sentences with commas…  From Lesson 2a?  Basically, if your sentences are related to one another, you can use a semi colon instead of a full stop (or the comma that you’re using incorrectly). 

The important thing to remember though is that, even though the statements you are separating are related, they must be independent of one another; both sides of the semi colon have to make complete sense without the other (I totally just used one successfully *self five*).

This…
The lads wrote an article and published it.  They didn’t worry about checking it.
Can become…

The lads wrote an article and published it; they didn’t worry about checking it.

Both of these examples are grammatically correct and they’re equally acceptable (except for the fact that one is unbelievably sexier than the other… Just me?)

A lot of people find them difficult so the general rule of thumb is not to use them if you’re unsure.   JUST STOP TRYING*.

*I’ve never won the award for ‘Most Inspirational Teacher’ but I’m hopeful that this is my year.

Lesson 3b) In complicated list

Remember when I said, “Don’t worry about lists,” way back in Lesson 2c...?

Simpler times.

Sorry to be the one to break this to you lads but most lists do not require a semi colon and can be successfully punctuated using only commas.  It is only when the list is getting complicated and unmanageable (e.g. the items in the list have commas in) when you need semi colons to separate the items.  They are used to clarify the sentence and make it simpler to read.

The top five goal scorers of the Premier League so far this year are Jamie Vardy, Leicester City; Riyad Mahrez, Leicester City; Odion Ighalo, Watford; Romelu Lukaku, Everton and Graziano Pellè, Southampton.

Did you see what I did there, lads?  I referenced football in my example to make myself seem more likeable, casual, relatable and ‘on your level’.  It totally worked. 

I don't even know what you were trying to accomplish here.

And we're done with semi colons!  Ready for your final lesson?

Lad Literacy Lesson 4: Proof Reading

I’m not going to lie to you, lads; this is the big one.  If you get this skill right, the other problems should all but fade away.  This is the embarrassing one.  This has echoes of that iPhone autocorrect that ruined your relationship with Grandma for life (I WAS TALKING ABOUT DUCKS, NAN, I SWEAR DOWN).

Here’s a secret for all the lads in the office: a writer every human being ever has to proof read their work everything they write.   You don’t seem to know this.  I dread to think how much of a mess your internal emails are.  You constantly make mistakes.  

Oh, you think I'm exaggerating...  You poor, sweet summer children.






I'm not even going to break up these images with captions.
You don't deserve it.






You, just being a normal bunch of lads, may not care about affecting the youth of today’s literacy or making yourself look unprofessional but you know what a big business would care about?  Revenue.

Now, if all this literacy business seems dreadfully complicated and you’re concerned that you won’t be able to continue to deliver high quality any news articles sequence of random words strung together with no discernible intention with these restrictions, I would seriously advise going against company policy and consider hiring someone who isn’t literacy-impaired to proof read writers’ work for them.  This way, you don’t actually have to hire any writers/journalists/content managers/social media executives with a competent understanding of the English language and your lads are free to get on with the important stuff. 
   

I'm sorry I don't have more Snapchat screenshots for you... They were so grim I couldn't really face any more (LOL JESUS ON A SKATEBOARD - WHAT?!)

I won't even tell you how many more mistakes I actually found that didn't make it here for fear that it may tip you over the edge.  If you truly consider yourselves the "foremost authority" of anything, you must want to be taken seriously.  That is never going to happen if several parts of articles are consistently nonsensical.

When was the last time you saw an article on VICE with a bloody typo?

Did Buzzfeed report on the new “Star Wars: The Force Awakes” movie trailer?

I mean... I didn’t want to go there but…

Are you aware that The Daily Mail has fewer grammatical errors than your site?

Right now, you are worse than THE   DAILY   MAIL. 

Think long and hard about that sentence.

... And that’s me done, lads.

And, yeah, some people may think that I haven’t even scratched the surface of the actual issues with The LadBible but, tragically, this is THE issue for me.  I’d never even really read your site before an article popped up on my newsfeed with a typo in and, after getting lost in a rabbit hole of literacy errors and screenshots, I decided to write this article.

In all honesty, I feel that, if your articles were grammatically correct and actually coherent, you can continue posting whatever you feel like.  Go ahead.  You do you!  You can influence a generation however you see fit but, even if your site is never actually morally sound, the least you can do is help your readers by punctuating properly and actually checking through your work before you post it.    

Until you do, I will be here.

Yours Sincerely,

Unnecessary Moaner

PS. Sorry if all the blue text confused you.  Those are links to the external websites I used as sources; you may not be familiar with them*.

*lol because of the arguments about crediting stuff :)

But you haven't even moaned yet...

So my blog was viewed an astounding 12 times overnight. Okay, fair enough, this isn't many but still....  I haven't told anyone I actually know about this so you're genuine strangers and you stumbled upon this.  You count in my mind. Thanks, readers!

I just wanted to write a quick post to let you know that my first big rant is a-coming and it's a good'un.

I'm tackling one of my real pet peeves: poor grammar and literacy by someone who should know better. It will probably be a recurring theme in this blog.

I understand that not all of us may be quite so passionate about the English language as I am but, even so, we must be aware that there a rules for us to follow.  It frustrates me when people of authority or businesses that have a lot of customers flagrantly ignore these rules.  They are there for a reason: to help us decide and understand what has been written.

Think of me as the Grammar Police.  I've already decided upon my target.  I've done my research; I've watched them for a long time and not intervened. I've let them break the law and, as much as it hurt me to do so, I stood down and merely watched, allowing me to collect vital evidence.

I am excited to finish collating this evidence against them and show the world their crimes.

I don't get out much.


Stay tuned.  Moaning is on the way.

Intro to Moaning

I feel I have to put it out there: I'm an English teacher by trade.

It makes sense I chose this path.  The English language is my one true love... The English language and complaining.

I LOVE ranting about things that aren't a big deal.

That is why I've started this blog.  I used to write a lot of complaint emails to companies about my poor experience with them.  However, lately, I've had nothing but great customer service.

I hate it.  Now, I'm left having to go out of my way to find tiny things to exacerbate and moan about.

Don't worry - I've found a hell of a lot.

It's going to be a journey, guys.  We can make it through.  Together.

Let's do this shit.