Obviously, I need to apologise for not finishing my indepth analysis of season five. The time ran away with me and... now it's season six. Soz.
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| Season Six come at me brah |
I'm in the UK so had to stay up until 2am to watch the first episode of the new season live and obviously I'm watching it again at 9pm as I write this. Every week, I will endeavour to live tweet along as I watch (go follow me at @noneedtomoan) and then attempt to write up said tweets into a coherent blog post.
Now, like many of you, my season six experience began with leaked images of episode one. I told myself that they couldn't be true and it was all a cruel prank but, alas, they were accurate. It did help ease the shock of it all but the anger has still not subsided. I honestly don't know if I'm going to make it through. Let's do this together.
Anyway. Episode one. Here we go.
I watched nervously as we opened on some beautiful scenic shots of the Wall and Jon's body and... It was good. Oh, my. I felt giddy with excitement when we even got to see Ghost (take that, CGI dragons!) and, to top it off, Ser Davos, huzzah! However, it then all started to get a bit... Boring?
Some other men of the Night's Watch, luckily all Jon supporters - could have been awkward, help carry Jon to a back room and they let a very red Melisandre in, in the hope that she'll strip for them or something. In actuality, she only pops in to tell us that she didn't see it coming in her flames because that's helpful.
Immediate cut to Alliser Thorne, giving a speech about never disobeying an order and how "Loyalty is the foundation on which the nights watch is built"... Bit rich, there, Alliser, considering you just organised a coup to STAB A MAN.
Apologies. Back to the pro-Jon group. After a bit of arguing, Edd goes out to get the Wildlings and the rest of the men are left sulking about Jon's death and that.
Solid dull start.
And it's off to Winterfell! Ramsay is... mourning? That can't be right. He's being nice. Like actually nice... Have they forgotten who -
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| "It's perfectly good meat. Feed her to the dogs" |
Then, we hear a little speech from Roose whose voice, I think we can all agree, is just velvet <3 and Ramsay reassures him that his twenty good men are on the trail of Reek and Sansa. Not to worry, Roose. They always get the job done.
Cue Reek and Sansa legging it through the snow, wading through an ice cold river and hiding under a cosy tree (lol not really, it's freezing and they're going to die). On a positive, though, Reek is looking really good. Like, his hair's not white, he's got a bit of meat on his bones, he can speak in full, coherent sentences despite not having been allowed to say anything other that "yes sir" and "Reek, Reek, it rhymes with..." for months. He's quite the little chatterbox. Anyway, they only go and get bloody cornered by Ramsay's SHIT THE BED it's #crouchingdirewolfhiddenBrienne and Pod the Incompetent because of course it is. OF COURSE they know exactly where Sansa is. OF COURSE they timed it perfectly to rescue them just before capture rather than intercepting the twenty good men sooner because #coincidences. To be fair to her, the seven kingdoms are so teeny, Brienne can't help but stumble into Stark girls.
Quick question: where did the last soldier go?
Brienne killed three, Pod killed one, so did Theon... One is still alive during the next sweet bit of the scene. AND the hounds just... got bored? Ran off? #continuity
Also, this whole Sansa constantly needing rescue is kind of pissing me off. She's meant to be stronger than ever and yet she can't go five minutes without someone else finding her and taking her to safety? Then there's a sweet little scene where Sansa knights Brienne, after getting the nod of apprvoal from Theon because girls can't make these decisions, right?
Pfft. Let's move on to some more nonsense. Dornish sails are moving towards King's Landing and Cersei, with a nifty new haircut, thinks that she's about to be reunited with her daughter. Instead, she's greeted by Jaime and a corpse and it's all pretty hilarious. Cersei then proceeds to fall apart and cry about how Myrcella will be alone in the crypt... because the family crypt won't have Joffrey in? Or Tywin? Or Mama? Anyway, the vibe between the two of them is all off and Jaime is acting like they're still in love which is freaking me out. He should have already ignored her raven and conned the Blackfish out of Riverrun by now. Gross. STOP IT
Then we go to a break and, like some sick slap in the face,
We're back and ooooh yeahhhh Shame Septa's showing us and Marg what she's made of before the High Sparrow comes in and RUINS IT. Sigh. I think stuff happens in this scene but tbh it was coming up to 2.30am and I wasn't coping well so let's just say nothing happened and move on.
Dorne. Oh Christ on a bike. Dorne.
Doran can walk! Nothing ominous about this sudden display of strength! He has a little chat with Ellaria about Oberyn and takes a seat before BAM Aero Hotah, the best fighter in all of the Seven Kingdoms, is taken out by a tiny woman with a butterfly knife a la Kickass 2.
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| #mood |
You know the most heartbreaking thing of all? He's SO FUCKING GOOD in this scene. You could have had something so beautiful here, guys. And you ruined it.
Ellaria says some nonsense about weak men that I think is meant to empower women but is really some bullshit attempt to appease feminists because #women, amirite?
Then, we cut to Trystane on a boat anchored outside King's Landing.
Oh, and weirder still, there are two Sand Snakes inexpicably on board.
Last we saw, they were watching the boats depart with Ellaria, just after she poisoned Myrcella sooo, what? We're meant to believe that they just swam out and caught up to the boat? Has Littlefinger been lending people his teleporter? Whatever. They kill Trystane. Who cares? This is just another decision that proves that D&D cannot think more than one season at a time.
"Shit, David, I don't think people are responding very well to Dorne"
"Hmm. K. Well, let's keep the Sand Snakes because they're the best bit and have them kill all the others. Cool?"
So, now, because the Queenmaker plot is null and void and there isn't even a Quentyn, this is it for Dorne, right? They're just left with Ellaria and the Sand Sankes?
WHAT WAS THE POINT OF DORNE?
Let's just try and repress these many, many emotions for now as we're ff to Mereen! And Tyrion and Varys, much hated in the city, wander the streets unarmed and unescorted. After some fun frolics centering around the fact that Tyrion's Valyrian is awful (pretty sure he's fluent), they notice that there is new graffiti, written again in the Common Tongue, under the old graffiti, written in the Common Tongue. Lucky, because Tyrion so shit at Valyrian. This scene is pretty dull tbh. I think it's meant to be comic relief but it's all too soon after Dorne </3
After wandering for a bit, there's a sudden bell, like the one Barristan heard when there was a Sons of Harpy attack (*sob*). I'm not sure of the bell-ringing policy in Mereen but it is incredibly confusing and I'm not surprised the city's falling to pieces. It turns out the bell's ringing because all of their ships are on fire. I can only hope this is the start of the Euron storyline because I'm losing the will to live here.
Anyway, they see this weird pattern on the ground, a circle of hoof marks, almost like someone was encircled by an
It's a teeny tiny ring. He found it. In long grass. In the middle of the Dothraki sea. UGH.
Cut to Dany, who's been captured by the politest, least-rape-y Dothraki in history. I don't really understand but I think it's yet another small small world #coincidence that they've captured a Dothraki widow. I was always under the impression that the Dothraki wanted to take her back to Vaes Dothrak to be with the Dosh Khaleen but apparently it was just a mistake.
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| Dem Dothraki scenes... Zzz |
There's loads of Dothraki banter that is just so meh and Dany gets to introduce herself fully again because it's been like four episodes since she last did and we've all forgotten her full title. That's probably why.
Whatever. This scene, much like the High Sparrow one, went on a bit too long for me and it was taking everything in me not to scream WHERE IS EURON so it was just incredibly dull and I may have fallen asleep. Again. Sorry.
And now we get Arya, as Blind Beth, begging on the streets. There is some PAINFUL background chatter about the Kingsguard knight and I definitely heard someone say 'he deserved it'. Thankfully, the waif arrives and starts to fight Arya and, honestly, she should be ashamed of herself. ARYA. Who cares if you're blind? Syrio taught you better than this.
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| "You used to be cool, Arya" |
Most of the scenes are the same actually. Not necessarily bad, but not good. I don't think the writers have really got into the swing of pulling everything back together after a finale. They go for a big shock (or two) but the subplots are devoid of humour, character, reality... Anything.
Anyway. For the last time tonight...
Their hopes are all pinned on Edd facing down the rest of Castle Black to get the the Wildlings but Davos has another idea...
He reminds the group of the Red Woman (OMGGGG THAT'S THE TITLE OF THE EPISODE) because he's apparently either forgotten about Shireen or just hasn't been told what happened yet. It seems unlikely that Davos would've just accepted that Stannis isn't back yet but Mel is without further investigation but it's also probably not likely that he know she burned his favourite princess and is all "Mel's the greatest, let's get her to help". I could do with some further explanation here.
No time for words though, because MEL'S BOOBS. Then, as a surprise to everyone who didn't find the leaked pictures, she takes her choker off and whattttt it was a glamour and really she's dead old?
Questions:
1) This happens every time she takes her necklace off?
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| Even in this scene from Season Four? |
Right. I understand they didn't pursue the Rattleshirt/Mance/Ghost of Winterfell storyline (MISTAKE) so this is the perfect way to show that Mel can use glamours, just in time to help someone glamour as Jon, or even just as a way to show that she does have powers before she brings Jon back to life. I get that and I accept it and the scene was done well.
However, this further proves my point that D&D do not plan out their storylines in advance and instead just meander from season to season, not thinking about the implications. This has been shown by so many plotholes this episode alone: the disappearing Bolton soldier and dogs, Cersei bringing up the Maggy prophecy about her three children AGAIN when the show says she's had four children (see my post on S5E1 for more info), the teleportation of Sand Snakes onto Trystane's boat and now Melisandre's choker that doesn't necessarily have to be on ALL the time for the glamour to work. Continuity is actually a thing. I know I'm picky but they are making more and more 'little' mistakes that will build and build to be more noticeable by other people and, besides that, they stop the story from making sense. Show Apologetics have to work REALLY hard to attempt to make any of this make sense.
So there we have it. Season Six Episode One.
Predictably awful.
High Points
Mel's young boobs
The visuals of the opening
The score of Reek and Sansa's running scene
Low Points
DORNE DORNE DORNE DORNE
(Let's not lie to ourselves, Dorne is very few people's favourite storyline but I cannot fathom why GRRM would include it if this was how it ended. So we are not to have fire and blood? I can't believe that. I won't believe that.)
General plot holes that could be fixed if someone checked for continuity or just THOUGHT AHEAD
Score: 2/10
One point for each of Mel's young boobs.
See you next week if I haven't already lost my mind by then.
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| Episode 1 and I am already dangerously close to Audrina levels of done rn. |
