Oh hi there!
I went away for a year. Sorry about that. I bought a house, adopted a puppy and got engaged. I think I'm officially a grown up now. Maybe not, though, because here I am again, ready to become ridiculously irate at a TV show I force myself to watch in the early hours of Monday morning.
So, my final episode review was Season Six, Episode Ten, over a year ago now. Go read it if you need a recap. Either that, or listen to the podcast I'm making with my friends: She, Myself and Guy (Soundcloud or iTunes), which will be recapping every episode each week (with their views too, so it's not just me ranting!)
And now, assuming you're all caught up, let's get started.
I'm not going to lie to you; I was pretty concerned about this new season. I've read a lot of the leaks (most of which turned out to be accurate, terrifyingly enough) and my hopes were not high.
Post-episode, I can say that I'm not as angry as I was during Season Six, but I am still confused and disappointed. Nothing new there, though.
Okay. I think I'm ready. Let's do this.
Right. Cold open on Walder Frey hosting another party.
BUT WAIT, you cry, WALDER FREY IS DEAD.
And, of course, you would be correct. We saw Arya brutally slay him and kick off her amazing arc of 'All I Want Is Revenge'.
So, this is pretty obviously Arya, then?
She's doing one of her face changing specials, the technical aspects of which she learned in record time. I mean, I know there were a lot of montages of her 'training' but she didn't seem to actually learn anything about the faces. It was mainly being beaten with a stick and a bit of poison sniffing, wasn't it?
Anyway, whatever it was, Arya has learned it well. She Jonestowns (bad reference?) "every Frey that means a damn", except for the women, and then legs it out of there, claiming that "the winter has come for House Frey".
Thank god it's arrived for someone; it's been sunny for the last two seasons!
Few things here:
1. Do we just assume all the women were completely innocent in this? (#feminism)
2. Additionally, were ALL Frey men just automatically guilty?
3. Arya/Walder says that he's thrown two feasts in a fortnight and Arya killed him just after the last one. Has she been living as Walder for two weeks?! Ruling the Riverlands? Why haven't I seen any of THAT?
4. How did she invite only men to this second feast without arising any suspicion?
5. Where is Edmure? Is he still locked up? He's your uncle. Go get him!
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS ARYA
Thankfully, we have to move on.
It's time to go North of the Wall and OMG there's actually White Walkers. Did anyone else think they'd disappeared? It's been a while since we saw any. Honestly, despite myself, I really enjoyed the visuals of this scene: the mist, the slow walking and the idea of there being giant wights too... No complaints from me here.
Ugh, being positive is weird. Let's go see Bran.
I went away for a year. Sorry about that. I bought a house, adopted a puppy and got engaged. I think I'm officially a grown up now. Maybe not, though, because here I am again, ready to become ridiculously irate at a TV show I force myself to watch in the early hours of Monday morning.
So, my final episode review was Season Six, Episode Ten, over a year ago now. Go read it if you need a recap. Either that, or listen to the podcast I'm making with my friends: She, Myself and Guy (Soundcloud or iTunes), which will be recapping every episode each week (with their views too, so it's not just me ranting!)
And now, assuming you're all caught up, let's get started.
I'm not going to lie to you; I was pretty concerned about this new season. I've read a lot of the leaks (most of which turned out to be accurate, terrifyingly enough) and my hopes were not high.
Post-episode, I can say that I'm not as angry as I was during Season Six, but I am still confused and disappointed. Nothing new there, though.
Okay. I think I'm ready. Let's do this.
 |
| BRING IT |
Right. Cold open on Walder Frey hosting another party.
BUT WAIT, you cry, WALDER FREY IS DEAD.
And, of course, you would be correct. We saw Arya brutally slay him and kick off her amazing arc of 'All I Want Is Revenge'.
So, this is pretty obviously Arya, then?
She's doing one of her face changing specials, the technical aspects of which she learned in record time. I mean, I know there were a lot of montages of her 'training' but she didn't seem to actually learn anything about the faces. It was mainly being beaten with a stick and a bit of poison sniffing, wasn't it?
Anyway, whatever it was, Arya has learned it well. She Jonestowns (bad reference?) "every Frey that means a damn", except for the women, and then legs it out of there, claiming that "the winter has come for House Frey".
Thank god it's arrived for someone; it's been sunny for the last two seasons!
Few things here:
1. Do we just assume all the women were completely innocent in this? (#feminism)
2. Additionally, were ALL Frey men just automatically guilty?
3. Arya/Walder says that he's thrown two feasts in a fortnight and Arya killed him just after the last one. Has she been living as Walder for two weeks?! Ruling the Riverlands? Why haven't I seen any of THAT?
4. How did she invite only men to this second feast without arising any suspicion?
5. Where is Edmure? Is he still locked up? He's your uncle. Go get him!
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS ARYA
Thankfully, we have to move on.
It's time to go North of the Wall and OMG there's actually White Walkers. Did anyone else think they'd disappeared? It's been a while since we saw any. Honestly, despite myself, I really enjoyed the visuals of this scene: the mist, the slow walking and the idea of there being giant wights too... No complaints from me here.
Ugh, being positive is weird. Let's go see Bran.
Bran and Meera have somehow managed to escape the hordes of wights that were ripping apart Hodor's flesh as he screamed (oof, that was quite a scene, wasn't it?) unscathed and are at the gate of the Wall.Neither of them appear to have adequate protection against the weather and, quite honestly, I've no idea how they've not pulled a Herman (from Scrooged - my references are on point tonight) by this point but hey ho.
Edd, who is supposedly Acting Lord Commander, lets them in, which doesn't seem like a job for the leader of the Night's Watch, and is very suspicious so he asks Bran to prove he is who he says he is. Bran then lists a load of things he's obviously observed whilst warging. These are things that most definitely do not prove he's a Stark; they prove he has some sort of magical/telepathic talent and should be feared amongst the superstitious Westerosi men but... Edd wants to bring them in from t'cold so in they come.
No time to see what goes on inside, though, we've got to get to Winterfell and Jon's rousing speech to the Northerners. It can't just be me that struggles to focus on what he's saying, can it?
 |
| Literally me whenever Jon speaks |
BUT it does start to get
Jon wants to pardon the families, who sees as not responsible for their relatives' poor choices, but Sansa decides she's going to be sassy in Season Seven and completely disagrees.
Tbf to Sassy Sansa, she has a point. Maybe the ancestral homes should be taken off those who betrayed the Starks and be given to people who showed complete loyalty. My problem with all of this is that I don't buy that Sansa would be so brazen as to undermine Jon and slag off his plan in front of the entire North.
 |
| GOD she was perfect, wasn't she? <3 |
Sansa has been brought up to conduct herself as the 'perfect lady'. She knows how she should act in these situations.
Even if she knows she is right and the
Sansa should not have tried to overrule Jon like this.
Should she be Queen in the North? BY GOD YES, FOR SO MANY REASONS.
Is she? NO AND WE DON'T KNOW WHY
But, should she be behaving like this? Absolutely not. And she knows that. So there's no need for the pout.
Anyway, as we could've guessed, Jon wins this argument and allows the baby Umber/Karstark to swear loyalty to him as King and everyone is happy except for Sassy Sansa and
Then, after the meeting, there's some weird vibes happening with Jon and Sansa. She's... mad (?) at him but then also flirts with him quite a bit. Also, they get a raven from Cersei, demanding Jon goes to King's Landing to bend the knee. There's some vague discussion about Cersei, which leads Jon to think that it almost sounds like Sansa admires her and Sansa doesn't go OMG FUCK THAT JON NO I HATE HER I WANT TO BE THE OPPOSITE I WILL MAKE THEM LOVE ME NOT HATE ME, which is weird. She, instead, says she "learned a great deal from her".
 |
| Sansa. Bitch. WHAT |
Shall we just go see how Winter's hit King's Landing? Phew, I bet they're struggling with the snow and...
 |
| *cough* |
"What is this?" Jaime asks, referring to the freshly painted map, quickly drying on the floor in the baking sun.
"It's an exposition map, Jaime, so we can catch everyone up
on the details we purposefully skipped over," replies Cersei. Probably.
N'aww but there is a lot of place naming and reminders of who is who here, which I suppose is helpful after over a year away from the story. My favourite bit was when it sounded like Cersei was going to talk about Dorne but then she was like "lol those bitches". Hahahaa #Feminism #womenontop
Cersei then reveals her plan, which is essentially to marry herself off to a known kinslayer and oathbreaker, Euron Greyjoy. Solid. Jaime warns her that he can't be trusted and she says something like "well, who can?" - she's great at taking advice.
Euron then turns up in style, with one thousand ships in tow.
One. Thousand. Ahem.
Last time we saw Euron, Theon and Yara had stolen a load of his ships. Most of his ships. I believe the phrase used was "all of our best ships". He demands the men build him a thousand more.
They've managed to do this, and embroider some beautiful kraken (krakens? kraken?) on the sails and everything. All of this and Cersei's hair hasn't grown an inch. Incredible.
Before we continue, I just need a moment to look at this outfit again, excuse me.
I mean.
What even?
N'aww but there is a lot of place naming and reminders of who is who here, which I suppose is helpful after over a year away from the story. My favourite bit was when it sounded like Cersei was going to talk about Dorne but then she was like "lol those bitches". Hahahaa #Feminism #womenontop
Cersei then reveals her plan, which is essentially to marry herself off to a known kinslayer and oathbreaker, Euron Greyjoy. Solid. Jaime warns her that he can't be trusted and she says something like "well, who can?" - she's great at taking advice.
Euron then turns up in style, with one thousand ships in tow.
One. Thousand. Ahem.
Last time we saw Euron, Theon and Yara had stolen a load of his ships. Most of his ships. I believe the phrase used was "all of our best ships". He demands the men build him a thousand more.
They've managed to do this, and embroider some beautiful kraken (krakens? kraken?) on the sails and everything. All of this and Cersei's hair hasn't grown an inch. Incredible.
Before we continue, I just need a moment to look at this outfit again, excuse me.
What even?
Anyway, his accent is weird, him and Jaime try to get some digs in (Euron wins) but then Cersei says that, you know what, she can't trust him (er, duh) so he offers to earn her trust by getting her a gift. This whole scene... I enjoyed it, mainly because of Cersei's terrible hair, Jaime's terrible jacket and EVERYTHING about Euron being terrible but I feel like that entire exchange could've happened via raven and no one would've had to build ships in like two days and we'd have avoided seeing these costuming choices.
Sigh. Back to Oldtown, where Sam is being a sulky little one and the editors have a FIELD DAY showing how literally shit his job is rofl lol lmao
All is not well with Sam's new job, though. He wants to get past the gates and look at some old books... We're not sure why but Jim Broadbent doesn't let him because he's not a maester yet. He then gives a very well acted but utterly pointless monologue and I realise that he is this season's High Sparrow/Brother Ray. What a waste of yet another brilliant actor. Oh, Sam steals some books, btw. Yawn.
Then, back at Winterfell, Brienne is weirdly smug about beating up Pod and we get some classic hilarious Tormund ogling for the lolz before we get to see Littlefinger do what he does best: be dead creepy to Sansa.
He;s all weird to her and Sassy Sansa is back and is not here for it at all. She sends him on his way and Brienne asks why he's here, which is what we're all thinking, seeing as he stopped being manipulative and anything like Littlefinger way back in Season Four.
Sansa replies, "We need his men".
 |
| Erm. Excuse me? |
HIS men?!
The Vale army that came to rescue Jon at Bastard Bowl belongs to Robin Arryn. Your cousin. Littlefinger organised it for you because he's gross and wants you but honestly, Sansa, you should know that they are not his army.
Also, where the fuck is Robin? Littlefinger gave him a falcon and brought him with him, right? Along with the army? We've not seen Robin since the falcon scene, if I remember rightly.
WHERE IS ROBIN?
If you had Robin, you wouldn't need Littlefinger.
What is going on?
It's okay, though, I can see Arya is on her horse and on her way somewhere now.
We'll get back on track and I'll stop being so confus-
Wait.
What is that sound?
Oh, God that sounds like-
Okay, honestly, Ed Sheeran can clearly sing. I can't be mad at the singing. Well, you can be damn sure I'm mad at the song. It's the song that showed us all what a truly horrific human Tyrion is capable of being, how characters are not black and white, good and evil - there are many, many grey areas (especially with Tyrion). But, we don't need to know all that. It's just a nice song, right?
(Seriously, why bother even using this song from the books though, if you're going to use it out of context like this? Why not just get Ed bloody Sheeran to write you one?)
Deep breath.
If you can get past the massive distraction that is Ed Sheeran on your screen (who, when he is not saying his lines, is very clearly thinking of his next lines/what to do with his face), then you might be able to notice that that lad from This Is England is there and actually smashing it.
It's a weird scene though, right? Lannister soldiers just being nice to a passer by and laughing off her threats against the queen?
Is the point that we are all people underneath and our Houses shouldn't matter?
Is this lesson not a little bit late for Arya, who has just the decimated the entirety of House Frey?
No? Just me, then.
I don't get the point of this scene. We learned nothing and it wasted valuable minutes of a season that is only seven episodes long.
Oh, give me strength.
So, Sandor Clegane is back with the Brotherhood Without Banners (are they called this in the show? I don't even care anymore) and he apparently uses the word 'topknot' because OF COURSE HE DOES WHY WOULDN'T HE?
Beric and Thoros seem to attempt to convert him a bit here, or at least coach him into having visions in the fire.
I'm sure the showrunners thought this was symbolic and meaningful, because of his relationship with fire thus far in his life, but, to me, it felt far fetched and clunky. Maybe it could work if it was broached better but just going 'hey look at this fire!' doesn't scream subtle and nuanced writing to me...
But, guess what? He had a vision. A scary one.
Oh, God. They're really clumsily trying to foreshadow that he is the prince that was promised, aren't they?
Oh, and just to really upset book readers, they have him dig a grave.
Nope. Can't.
Back to Oldtown!
Gilly and Baby Sam (HOW IS HE STILL A BABY) are somehow living there with Sam... When women aren't even allowed in The Citadel and Sam is not only a Brother of the Night's Watch, he's training to be a maester. He can't have a missus. What is happening?
Luckily, he's managed to steal just the right book and we get a close up of the catspaw knife that was used in Bran's attempted murder (we don't know why but I imagine it's some stellar #FORESHADOWING).
Then, we see that there is dragonglass at Dragonstone.
Wow.
He'd better tell Jon, huh?
If only Sam had known that before, it could've been so useful.
He did. Season Five. Stannis told him.
But. You know.
What even is continuity?
Beric and Thoros seem to attempt to convert him a bit here, or at least coach him into having visions in the fire.
I'm sure the showrunners thought this was symbolic and meaningful, because of his relationship with fire thus far in his life, but, to me, it felt far fetched and clunky. Maybe it could work if it was broached better but just going 'hey look at this fire!' doesn't scream subtle and nuanced writing to me...
But, guess what? He had a vision. A scary one.
Oh, God. They're really clumsily trying to foreshadow that he is the prince that was promised, aren't they?
Oh, and just to really upset book readers, they have him dig a grave.
 |
| Me at this point |
Back to Oldtown!
Gilly and Baby Sam (HOW IS HE STILL A BABY) are somehow living there with Sam... When women aren't even allowed in The Citadel and Sam is not only a Brother of the Night's Watch, he's training to be a maester. He can't have a missus. What is happening?
Luckily, he's managed to steal just the right book and we get a close up of the catspaw knife that was used in Bran's attempted murder (we don't know why but I imagine it's some stellar #FORESHADOWING).
Then, we see that there is dragonglass at Dragonstone.
Wow.
He'd better tell Jon, huh?
If only Sam had known that before, it could've been so useful.
He did. Season Five. Stannis told him.
But. You know.
What even is continuity?
Oh, and Jorah is in The Citadel, too. Forgot to mention that.
He just asks if Dany is there yet when, let's be honest here mate, she sent you away for a cure. She was never coming back for you. That wasn't part of the deal.
Okay. Big finale.
Stirring music - check.
Amazing visuals - check.
Heartfelt emotion pouring from your lead actress -
To summarise this four minute scene:
Literally nothing happens, she just shows us the Dragonstone set.
Great use of time.
"Shall we begin?"
I think it's best for now if we just... Stop.
- Why is Dragonstone empty?
- No squatters? No reaving? No small reserve of men left by Stannis?
- Why are the Unsullied not sweeping it first? Do they already know it's empty and safe for the Queen to wander around? How?
- Who curled her hair? It looks banging.
- When did she change? Pristine clothes and boots (!) to say they've sailed for what I assume is a while... (Timeline though - who knows?)
And, just like that, it's over.
It felt so long and yet nothing happened...?
It felt so long and yet nothing happened...?
High Points
- White Walker scene
- Beric? I like Beric.
Low Points
- Nonsense - Littlefinger's army, Arya being Walder for weeks, Dragonstone being so empty
- Pacing - get a move on! We have a lot to get through in seven episodes!
- Costume - hahahahahahahahahaaaa
Summative Comment:
 |
| This is what Game of Thrones has done to me |
Go follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness @noneedtomoan
And, if you would like to hear a more balanced recap of the episodes or just hear me argue with my friends, who like Game of Thrones, just a reminder to go and listen to our new podcast, She, Herself and Guy. Our recap on Episode One will be out by the end of this week.
See you next week for more of the same.
And, if you would like to hear a more balanced recap of the episodes or just hear me argue with my friends, who like Game of Thrones, just a reminder to go and listen to our new podcast, She, Herself and Guy. Our recap on Episode One will be out by the end of this week.
See you next week for more of the same.
No comments:
Post a Comment