So this is my last episode review.
I am thinking of doing some more analytical posts about individual elements I struggled with with Game of Thrones Season Six but, to be totally honest, there are so many others out there who do that better than me already that I don't know if you need my ranting in there too. But... We shall see.
Anyway, once you've made sure you're all caught up on my previous episode reviews (E1, E2, E3, E4, E5,
E6, E7, E8 & E9), go right ahead and have a read of my final review of season six. Let's end this thing.
We open in Kings' Landing with some emotional music and a very strange montage of all of the important characters. It's actually a montage of them getting ready for the trial of the century and not a bunch of teenagers preparing for a busy day in high school in the 80s (I do LOVE a montage). It's hard to see because the lighting, as always, is non-existent but I'm pretty sure I spot Loras' lovely head of curly hair. Exciting. When was the last time we saw him?
Cersei decides to dress like a steam punk in mourning, which is a bold look, and Pycelle is still sleeping with prostitutes because this is all hilarious. A child whispers to Pycelle. The High Sparrow puts his sack on over his head on the morning and doesn't step into it. All our important questions are being answered.Legitimately though, weird dress aside, it's all fairly dull and I think the general idea is that we're meant to be tense (this is what the music is implying to me anyway) but I don't actually care about any of these characters and the trial hasn't really been set up in any way shape or form so I'm just left feeling... bored, to be completely honest. That dress, though... Wowzers.
Anyway, we finally arrive at the sept and it turns out that Loras had a haircut that wasn't actually shown in the montage because it was too interesting. He confesses and says there's no need for a trial and we all wonder why we've waited an entire season for one then.
Has Loras just been sat in his cell, thinking that he's better off waiting for the trial for the big 'reveal' of his confession? When Margaery and Cersei confessed, they were released. What is going on with Loras here?
Whatever. He confesses to 'crimes' (even though it's a religious trial so they're probably just 'sins', aren't they?) such as purgery (like Marg!), laying with men and arrogance... This trial is really unnecessary, isn't it?
The High Sparrow feels like he hasn't had any attention for a while so does a full on monologue for a bit until Loras finally says that his only wish is to now devote his life to the seven. Oh, and he also wants to abandon the Tyrell name, never marrying or having kids, which was definitely going to happen.
Fun Book Fact #1: Loras is not the last remaining Tyrell heir. He's not even an heir any more as he is a member of the Kingsguard. There are two other Tyrell boys who can continue the Tyrell name. #themoreyouknow
The High Sparrow makes sure that Loras knows that he's joining an extremist group and Loras is like ye no probs gramps I got this and then he gets a seven pointed star carved into his head.
Meanwhile, in the Red Keep, Tommen is ready to go to his mum's trial (arriving fashionably late and missing his brother in law's trial, like any good King) but hey what's this?
Oh, wait, we're back in the sept again (all this rushing around is making me dizzy) and everyone's wondering where Cersei is because it's her trial but she's not there, which is weird. Then, for some unknown reason, Lancel is suspicious of a small child and follows him down under the city. We're not sure why.
ALSO UNDERGROUND (#smoothsegues), Pycelle has been led to Qyburn by his whispering little bird. Qyburn has his turn at a little bit of a monologue and says, "before we can usher in the new, the old must be put to rest". Right. Qyburn. Who are you talking about here? Cersei? Cersei is the new? And that dead man you brought back to life? He's NEW?
I'm so confused.
Fun Book Fact #2: There is a scene between Varys and Kevan in the books that has some similar dialogue. Imagine that it hasn't been put in a blender and makes sense, both logically and in terms of plot. That's the actual scene. #themoreyouknow
Whatever. The little birds all stab Pycelle to death, really unnecessarily if we're honest. Are they still doing these jobs for figs? Because it's one thing to listen for gossip and find stored wildfire; it's quite another to straight up murder a man.
Yeah and then Lancel gets stabbed too but manages to drag himself around until he finds an entire stack of wildfire, which we can't believe is there despite the hugely obvious foreshadowing over the past few episodes.
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| Basically |
Upstairs, in the sept, people are beginning to notice that the King still hasn't arrived, neither has Cersei and also Lancel just walked out to follow a kid.
Margaery knows something is up because of Margaery reasons and she wants to get Loras out but the High Sparrow forces them to stay. We're not sure why. Cersei's trial doesn't start without her, like he says it will, and instead they all just stand around, panicking. About what? NO ONE KNOWS
And then... there's a rumbling sound and the High Sparrow finally clicks that something is wrong and then, suddenly:
Cersei has a glass of wine and a smirk because she's just solved all her problems:
- High Sparrow and Faith Militant - dead
- Annoying Tyrells (Marg, Loras, Mace) - all dead
- Religion and therefore her trial - gone forever
- Crazy lethal uncrontrollable wildfire buried underneath the city - used safely to blow up one building in a controlled manner
- Pycelle - brutally stabbed
A few questions (obviously) about what happens next...
Cersei tortures Septa Unella as revenge for her part in Cersei's Season Five torture.
Right. Septa was doing what the High Sparrow told her to do. The High Sparrow died a quick death. You're torturing this Septa instead? Also, I'm assuming that Gregor raped her, because that's kind of his niche, isn't it? So you punish her horrifically. But the man who caused it gets away with instant death?
Qyburn gets the little birds to stab Pycelle
Why? He was on his way to the sept anyway. He was going to die. Why is it important to bring him down there and stab him like that? What had he done? Also, is it not dangerous to be down there right now? There's hella lotta wildfire.
Cersei openly says she like fucking her brother
Fun Book Fact #3: Jaime begins to move on from Cersei as part of his character development and his search for redemption. He separates himself from her as much as he can - cuts off his hair and grows a beard so as not to look anything like her. He doesn't go and help her when she needs him most. They are drifting further and further apart. There is very little chance they will end up together. #themoreyouknow
I'm aware there's no one else there but... This is happening more and more. Her and Jaime are telling anyone who will listen that they have a relationship. Does this mean they're going to have a relationship now? They're totally still in love. Will Westeros be forced to accept an incestuous relationship?
Cersei's lack of care for her son is confusing
Fun Book Fact #4: Okay here's the thing: Cersei LIVES for her children. It's creepy. She's obsessed with them being okay and not getting hurt and, the more her children are in danger, the more frantic she should be getting about him being safe. The prophecy said that her children would all die and then the 'valonqar' (that means 'brother', btw) will kill her. She's so terrified of this prophecy; it haunts her. #themoreyouknow
So, she's just caused this crazy explosion and killed everyone in order to protect herself and her son from the evil people... And celebrates by not going to see Tommen AT ALL, instead using her time for petty, stupid and aggressively violent revenge.
Why is Cersei doing this? What is her motivation?
And then, whilst Cersei is monologuing to a Septa...
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| #worstdeathever |
Cersei- YOU JUST KILLED YOUR SON
All the Tyrells are dead, yay!
Erm, except they have the largest army in all of Westeros. They weren't all in there. So that means Olenna and the army are out and about, fuming at Cersei.
1) What's stopping the army from marching on a weakened Kings' Landing, with no Lannister soldiers there (they're all at Riverrun) and taking the throne by force? Bloody Olenna could sit on it for I care. Would they not even want revenge, even if they have no one to put on the throne themselves?
2) The Reach grows all the food and exports it across Westeros. Winter is here. Cut off their food source. No?
Cersei, your plan's a pile o shit m8
Meanwhile, back at Riverrun, Walder Frey is monologuing about being great and the Lannisters are great and everything is great and Jaime is setting Bronn up with girls because chicks before actual storylines, amiright?At one point, Walder genuinely says, "the famous Blackfish, killed by foot soldiers, eh?" and we all want to die because we're feeling the same as him (shock, disbelief, THATWASSTUPID) and empathising with a Frey is a terrifying notion.
He continues to monologue until Jaime's like, 'Wah shut up Freys are shit' #probablyparaphrasing
And that's Riverrun!
Back to Kings' Landing and Bad Mum Cersei.
She's looking at Tommen's body with Qyburn and this scene really bothers me.
Now, I know Lena Headey can act so it's a scripting/charcter issue I think because Cersei should be FLIPPING OUT.
Not only are all her precious babies gone but... She's next! The prophecy is coming true and so she's the next one to die. There should be lots of panic. There should be a million soldiers following her everywhere, involuntary sobbing and drinking excessively.
She does none of these things.
They have a chat about what to do with the body because there is no sept for a funeral. They decide on burning it and scattering his ashes on the site where the sept was, which I'm sure is super pretty and peaceful round about now, probably mere hours after you've just exploded it. :)
And then, because all that excitement was probably too much for you, let's go have a look at Sam and Gilly.
They see all the white ravens leaving the Citadel, but don't really mention that it means winter is here. We'll save that line for someone good, shall we? There are a few minutes of boring, sticom-esque, painfully un-funny dialogue that is meant to be funny before Sam is allowed into the library.
Admittedly, I loved the library scene.
You must know how painful it is for me to come clean about enjoying any scene in Game of Thrones but I couldn't help it here. It was gloriously cinematic (normally they can only do battle/gory scenes this visually stunning) and quiet and peaceful and... just really well done. Now, I'm biased anyway because I have a bit of a thing for libraries and books and bookshops and *cough* READ THE BOOKS *cough* but even a book nerd like me can't help but think that it did not belong in episode ten.
Could Sam and Gilly not have just come straight here, rather than going to his dad's and getting chucked out and stealing the sword? What was the point of all that? What is this scene adding to the finale?
Omg, it's so pretty but... That's it.
That's all that happens before...
We see a white raven flying over what is definitely heavy snow-covered ground. #lolwinterisfast
Back story:
Shireen taught Davos how to read when he was imprisoned. They were closer than she was to her own parents, who basically hated her. She was his best friend (bit far, but you get my point). He had to leave her with Stannis, Selyse and Mel in Season Five, so he gave her a wooden stag for some reason. At the end of Season Five, Melisandre returned to Castle Black (on the fastest horse ever), without Stannis or Shireen. Davos asked about them but she simply shook her head and looked away. No more words were spoken.
At the start of season six, he got distracted from thinking about his King and BFF by working with Mel (who was responsible for the death of his son, btw and who he tried to murder in season three #neverforget) to resurrect Jon and only asked after a few episodes what happened to Shireen. Convenient Brienne butted in and was like 'I KILLED STANNIS', which apparently answered Davos' query because he, once again, put it to bed.
However, last episode, Davos literally stumbled upon Shireen's pyre and found the fireproof stag he gave her and this reminded him that hey Shireen was a person and she was missing and I wonder what happened and that's where we're upto okay?
So back in episode ten, Davos throws the stag at Mel and, quite honestly, acts the SHIT out of this scene. Take a bow, Liam Cunningham because you were incredible.
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| Not from this episode but dem eyes <3 |
Davos asks why, which is what we were all asking at the time tbf, and basically I can't believe this but Mel and him both blame Stannis. I'm fairly certain they call him evil at one point, too.
Davos. The man loyal to Stannis to a FAULT. The man who knows it is the red woman and his wife who have poisoned his King's mind to the ways of the Lord of the Light. he calls Stannis evil.
These writers seem to do everything they can to shit all over the memory of Stannis and it's horrific. Sigh.
Anyway, Davos wants her dead and her argument to Jon, and it's a pretty good one, is that he's seen the Night's King (and apparently told all the characters about him because now everyone knows he's called the Night's King somehow) and he knows what they can do and he needs her. This is kind of true. She can resurrect people from the dead. That could come in handy in any war, especially one AGAINST THE DEAD.
But nah, Jon decides that she can live because she has powers or something but she has to go do it in the South and, if he sees her in the North, he'll straight up kill a bitch, got it?
Mel rides off, but not before Davos gets a few threats in too. #forShireen
Then, Sudden Sansa is Sudden and the writers do all they can to make people believe that these two might one day get together.
Jon is not a Stark but HE IS TO SANSA. Sansa apologises for, you know, sacrificing Rickon and hundreds of wildlings for no good reason other than to keep a secret and smirk a bit at Jon whilst he's nearly dying in battle. Jon's totally cool with this and is just like HEY. Let's trust each other, yeah? #logic
Oh also Sansa says, "Only a fool would trust Littlefinger" (because apparently Ned's memory needs to be ruined a little bit more) and "Winter is here" (followed by a Ned joke). #StarkSnowbanter
And then, because I'm not angry enough, it's time for Dorne. Deep breaths, guys.
Olenna is there, at the behest of the Sand Snakes, one of whom she calls Barbara. Now, let's be honest, Olenna's sassiness is brilliantly delivered but is wearing thin quickly. It must have been a while since the wildfire incident, because Olenna knows all about it and apparently the Lannisters have declared war against the Tyrells and the Dornish (ok I get the Tyrells, but when did Cersei declare war against the Dornish? I thought all was peaceful in Dorne?) Then, SUDDEN VARYS. He appears and tells them that he's on their side and genuinely gets to say 'fire and blood'.
And now Dany's team has more sassy women.
SPEAKING OF DANY, LET'S GO TO MEREEN #smoothsegues
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| Stand back, Jorah. Daario = FriendZone King |
He explains that he's not bothered about her needing to remarry and just loves her and wants to be with her (all this emotion actually makes me feel a bit ill). She's having none of it though and demands that Daario (the sellsword) runs Mereen for her instead.
Seems legit.
Daario is not happy and suspects Tyrion is responsible for doing this, which doesn't make any sense until Dany goes to see Tyrion to thank him for the advice and tell him that she did it. Why does Dany just do whatever Tyrion says? Do the writers not realise that's not what an ADVISOR is?
Why does Tyrion not want her to have a lover? It's not exactly like you and Shae, Tyrion! She's taking Westeros by FORCE, who's going to care about the guy she's sleeping with? This is a weirdly specific thing to write into this episode and, although I'm not sure what it means, I don't like it.
Oh, there's another boring scene between Dany and Tyrion and she makes him cry by giving him a Hand's badge. Yawn.
Fun Book Fact #5: Tyrion is obsessed with dragons. Always has been. In fact, it's one of the things that people use to prove that he is part Targaryen (not proven). He dreams about riding them and they are always on his mind somewhat.
When was the last time Tyrion even acknowledged the dragons? Discussed them? Tried to nab a ride on one? Sigh.
Aaaand we head back to Riverrun, just in time to be reminded that Walder Frey is a total creep. He's all over this serving girl and asking her where his sons are. She keeps responding that they're there. This makes no sense to Walder, until he sees thumbs in his pie.Fun Book Fact #6: Frey Pie is a theory. Go read about it. There's reasoning behind it. It's funny. It's clever. It's not random. Wyman Manderly is a fucking don.
And then, because it makes so little sense it just had to be done, the serving girl pulls her face off and it's Arya. Yep. She's made it from Braavos to Riverrun. She's also stolen at least one face from the House of Black and White and learned how to be a sick assassin because she slices his throat. Not before doing her whole 'I'm Arya Stark' thing, though. Has she even done her kill list in season six? Since she joined the Faceless Men? Sigh.
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| This episode is sooooooo long :( |
Ugh. Littlefinger is being all gross with Sansa, who is 'done with all that praying'. He says some of the least-Littlefinger things he's ever said, including the fact that his end goal has always been to sit on the Iron Throne (LOL NO), with Sansa beside him. She pushes him away but he still says that she is the future of House Stark. #tense
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| When you remember they made Benjen = Coldhands |
No time for this now, though, we must go to (near) The Wall.
Benjen is telling Bran he can't take him and Meera any further because the Wall is magic etc. He takes Bran off the horse and unceremoniously dumps him by a tree and is all like 'later days, guys! Meera, you got this, right? He's pretty heavy, but you don't need this horse, do you? Byeeee'. #probablyparaphrased
Fun Book Fact #7: Benjen is not Coldhands. Confirmed.
Fun Book Fact #8: Bran cannot ride a horse, because his legs don't work. Tyrion actually designed a contraption to allow Bran to be strapped to a horse and ride it. Bran would not be physically able to be sat up on the horse like he was at the beginning of the scene.
Luckily for Bran, he's been dumped by a weirwood tree so he can touch it and remember the Tower of Joy.
This beginning of this scene was.... not bad?
I enjoyed hearing the phrases I've read so many times and I even liked the fact that Lyanna whispered parts to Ned so we couldn't hear it and so things weren't spelled out for us... Until they genuinely faded out of the baby's face, into Jon's face. FFS.
Some problems with this scene: Rheagar has not been set up well enough for this to have any impact on a show watcher. People on twitter have been thinking that Jon is Robert Baratheon's child. We've never seen Rheagar, he's barely been spoken about and, if you haven't read the books, I don't think this scene will mean very much to you other than the fact that Jon is a Stark but not Ned's bastard son. It's a real shame to let one of the most iconic and waited-for scenes to pan out like this.
SPEAKING OF JON AS A BABY, HERE'S JON AS AN ADULT #smoothsegues
Back in Winterfell, which looks suspiciously like the Wall set, the Northerners are declaring their leader... Jon is the King of the North.
Bran is the rightful heir to Winterfell.
Both Jon and Sansa know he is alive (Sam told Jon and Theon told Sansa) and yet neither of them are admitting it to one another. There are two ways of dealing with this:
1) Go and look for you fucking brother, the King in the North and Lord of Winterfell. I know it's winter, but you really could go. You could've gone before the fight with Ramsay actually, especially if you didn't care about losing Rickon anyway. Sam saw him when they passed through the Wall, right? So you know he's on the other side? Take some wildlings! GO.
2) Try, you know, MENTIONING him? One of them could take the seat in his place, fine, but he really should've been brought up in conversation. The Northerners should know there is a third choice, a logical choice for King in the North.
If it's a choice between Sansa and Jon, Sansa is the rightful heir.
1) It's succession: girls > bastards. Every time. Yes, she's been married. Twice. Polygamously. But that's beside the point. She was born a Stark. She is the heir.
2) It's logic. These Northerners shout about Jon winning the battle and avenging the Red Wedding but he didn't -- Sansa did. Jon's plan was awful; he charged off into battle and got his entire force surrounded. He lost hundreds of men. Now, tbf, this could've been solved if Sansa had have opened her stupid mouth but the reason they won was because of the Vale knights. Sansa recruited the Vale knights. She won the battle. She's the reason they have Winterfell, not Jon.
Where are the Knights of the Vale?
Littlefinger's bobbing around but where is Robert Arryn? Why is he not there? If they are not declaring Jon King in the North, that's kind of a problem, right? They're the biggest force there. They will be needed. That's a concern.What about White Walkers?
1) Why do we now suddenly care about them?
2) Wasn't it nice of them to hold off on their war until Winterfell was retaken?
3) Are they a myth or do people believe? This keeps changing, dependent on the storyline.
Where is Ghost?
And was Manderly's line about Jon being the white wolf just to piss me off? It felt personal.
How does Sansa feel about all this?
1) She looks sulky at one point -- Is she jealous? Does she want to be Queen in the North?
2) She smiles at another point -- Is she happy for Jon? Is she hatching a secret plan?
3) She makes eye contact with Littlefinger -- Why do you want me to be so unhappy?
It's nearly over, gang. Stay with me.
One last visit to Kings' Landing, where Jaime has arrived home, just in time to see his sister, Cersei
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| #nope |
WHERE ARE WE?
Dany is on her boat, fitted with lovely Targaryen banners, with Theon and Yara and Grey Worm and Missandei and Tyrion and the dragons are following and the Dothraki are there and... A Dornish banner? Huh. No sign of the Sand Snakes, though. Weird. And Olenna's not with them, despite joining the allegiance. And there are no roses.
Oh, but, don't worry. Varys has made it there because of course he fucking has.
Omg.
We did it.
We're on the other side!
High Points
The library
Low Points
The plot holes. Again.
The timeline problems. As always.
and no, Mr Cogman, this does not answer those problems.
and if you don't understand why it doesn't, I'll gladly explain another time for you.
We may have reached the end of our weekly reviews, guys, but I'm not going anywhere. I'm not quite finished moaning about Game of Thrones yet but, even when I am, I'll move on to something else. I hope you stick with me.
Follow me on Twitter for more regular moaning: @noneedtomoan
For those of you who read this every week...
For anyone who follows me on Twitter and deals with incessant, angry, incoherent tweets on the regular...
Most importantly, for any of you out there who actually know me irl and haven't had me sectioned yet...
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