Season Five Episode Two

Okay. We're back!
Sorry it's a few days later than planned but I really went to town on this one -- I had a lot to talk about and it took a while to put it into semi-coherent sentences.

We open on Arya, who is heading under the huge Titan of Braavos for the first time and, I have to admit, this whole introduction to a new location (yes, we've seen the Iron Bank before but we haven't seen Braavos externally in any detail until now) is quite nicely done.  I like the mist and dull weather and sky and, of course, the endless games of 'spot the lemon tree in Braavos' (zero, obv).

So the captain drops Arya off at the House of Black and White but she's refused entry by The Old Man (genuinely how he's credited) as she has "everywhere else to go".  The mystery surrounding the building, along with the visuals in this opening sequence are just perfection for me.  Exactly how I wanted Braavos to be seen in the series.  It all, rather unsurprisingly, starts to go downhill for me immediately after this, when Arya decides to wait outside and passes the time by chanting her 'prayer' to herself over and over.  I really don't understand why they'd draw attention to this kill list by having Arya repeat it so much, especially considering that it keeps changing incorrectly.
Now, obviously, Arya as a character would remove people from her list once they're believed to be dead -- she ain't killing them again -- so the removal of The Hound (she left him for dead so it's a fair assumption on her part) and Joffrey (news of his death made it everywhere) makes sense.  I also understand the writers' reasons for taking Ilyn Payne off the list, given the actor's poor health and absence from Season Five.  Aside from these exceptions, though, I don't really get why others have miraculously disappeared from Arya's chant.

Tywin Lannister
First of all, the changes in storylines which made Arya and Tywin basically best buds whilst at Harrenhal were so ridiculous and give her no excuse not to have killed him/had Jaqen kill him... But seriously my real beef with Tywin being taken off this list is that yes, okay, he's dead.  I'm aware of that.
My question to the writers: How does Arya know?

Arya has literally just arrived in Braavos and has been sailing across the Narrow Sea for quite some time.  Tywin has legit just died - we saw his funeral in the previous episode.
We are reminded constantly that the books are not necessarily in chronological order but the TV series seems to have its own rules regarding this.  There appears to be a definitive timeline, especially seeing as characters from different storylines are getting caught up in each others'.


Arya would not know about Tywin's death yet and so would not know to remove his name from her kill list; she should still want the miserable bastard dead.  She isn't psychic.  Think of it this way: the Mountain is famously on his deathbed in King's Landing after being poisoned by Oberyn fighting in a trial by combat for Cersei against Tyrion.  That's pretty solid gossip.  if she hasn't removed The Mountain's name, we can assume she hasn't heard that yet.  If Arya hasn't heard the Mountain is dead/dying, how has she heard about Tywin.  Fuming.

Melisandre, Beric Dondarrion and Thoros of Myr

Some of you may be saying, "who?" right now but I don't care.  In a stellar move, the TV series decided to condense different complicated stories within the books into one plotline, replacing unknown characters that would be new to the TV audience, with characters they already knew.  Because of this, Gendry and Arya bump into Mel (remember when she wore red?  Good times) as they meet the Brotherhood Without Banners (RIP boys - yet another forgotten plotline).  Melisandre wants to take Gendry back to Stannis to use his Kingsblood (and apparently have sex with him because why not) and the lads betray him and Arya by letting her.  Arya was angered by this and so all three of the Lord of the Light followers made their way onto her kill list, back in Season Three if I'm not mistaken.  And now, in Season Five, when two of the characters are forgotten and one isn't even red anymore, they've been wiped off the list.  Apparently their bad deed has been forgiven by Arya.  Unlikely, given her love for Gendry.

It's not the changes to the list that irritate me most.  It's the fact that they added people to the list when it suited their storyline and then, when it's inconvenient, they just remove them again.

The audience will understand that Arya doesn't know Tywin's dead yet.  They may even remember characters that have been cut.  Give them a little bit more credit.  Please.

Sorry, that was unnecessarily ranty, even for me.

Basically, Arya repeats her kill list (grr....) over and over, all day and all night and all day again and then just gives up, throws her coin in the water and does one.

Then, we're off to... The Vale?  Near The Vale? Well, wherever we are, we're in an inn with Brienne and Pod.  Then, the camera pans around and OMG IT'S ONLY BLOODY LITTLEFINGER.
Wow.  The exact same inn as Brienne.
The same woman who wants to find Sansa, who's the girl with him.

WEIRD

Even though, just last episode, Littlefinger said to Sansa that he didn't trust "knights and ladies, stable boys and serving girls" (I told you to remember this quote), he is willing to be in a crowded inn.

Don't worry though, I'm sure there aren't any stables...

                                                                   

Or serving girls...

And Brienne probably doesn't count as a knight or a lady, right?

Anyway.  You get my point: Littlefinger is a contradictory dick.

Whilst Littlefinger is busy being a complete and utter tool, Sansa is asking him (with a seriously deep voice - is it just me?) about the raven, the secrecy and his general creepiness and, for some reason, Pod finds the serving girl suspicious (Littlefinger doesn't trust them either).  He watches her as she's let past the knights on guard to serve ale and said knights can't seem to grasp that they should probably be stood together to protect the people behind them from view.

OOP THERE IT IS

Instead, they move apart at the very moment that Sansa leans forward for some ale (her first ever ale btw - what bad luck).
This means that nosey Pod has his suspicions confirmed.  Something dodgy is going on because that girl looks exactly like Sansa Stark except with slightly darker hair and she's definitely with Littlefinger.
Give Brienne some credit, her reaction is the same as the audience's; her face spells out her confusion at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation.  But, she handles the madness well and sends Pod off for the horses.

There's this really weird bit where Sansa and her deep voice suddenly become super flirty (obviously something in the ale - it got Pod at the beginning of this scene with the waitress, too) but thank God for Brienne, who rushes in to interrupt it.

She pledges her sword to Sansa but basically just argues with Littlefinger because Sansa says nothing throughout the whole thing because it's just her life and why would she have an opinion on that?

All of this is wildly ridiculous.

Sansa even refuses a private word because she's just a bitch isn't she?

Oh no, I couldn't be more wrong.

In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Gwendoline Christie (Brienne) explains the scene in more detail,   “Brienne kneels before Sansa in an exact mimic of the oath she made to Catelyn Stark [...] And Sansa says, ‘No.’ But in the script, it says there’s the tiniest look in Sansa’s eyes. The script says the look is telling Brienne: ‘Get the f–k out of Dodge.’”

Okay.  WHAT.  I can't even cope with this.

If this is true and that look was in the script, I certainly didn't get it.  I doubt many others did, either.

So Brienne h'yahs (definitely a verb) the enemies' horses away so she can't be followed and makes her getaway with Pod.  Oh, did I mention that she basically kills every single person in sight?  We can only assume that they're baddies but we don't actually know that for sure.  Who cares if they're innocent, though?  No bother for Brienne, the tough knight with no moral compass who loves killing people unnecessarily.  Yay for sticking to the actual characters in the books!  From what I can tell, every knight in the inn decides to follow Brienne, assumedly just leaving Sansa alone with Littlefinger.

More weird stuff now - this time with a horse chase with so many changing camera angles that I honestly cannot tell who is chasing who or where and when Brienne 'lost them' and saw Sansa and Littlefinger getting away with yet more guards I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  It all happened very quickly and I can't really say any more about it.  My notes from this scene are genuinely too confusing to even translate properly.  Apologies.  We'll have to move on.
Pod is apparently still struggling with the concept of horseriding because comedy.  He falls off and is soaking wet (gold -- I'm still laughing) and gets cornered by yet another one of Littlefinger's knights (I'm pretty sure they multplied at some point during the chasing).  Anyway, no worries because Brienne kills him and bare more knights.  No need for any of them to be kept alive for info or anything, just slaughter them all.  Why not?  She seems to know where they're heading to.

Sigh. 

All of this scene, every last bit of it, was just painful.  These oddly coincidental and horrifically unlucky situations in which Brienne finds herself... Uncomfortable to watch.

Over in King's Landing, Cersei has summoned Jaime to look at a box (not for the first time, ho ho).  He opens it and sees a snake holding a necklace.

Right.  Did Cersei open the box, see this and then think "you know who needs to see this? Jaime" and put it all back together, exactly how it was, just so she could watch his reaction?
What was the point of that? 

Cersei explains (surely Jaime already knows -- it's his daughter too) that there are only two necklaces like this in the kingdom.

Okaaay.... But didn't Joffrey give a lion necklace to Sansa in Season One?  Wasn't there a whole storyline in Season Two with Tyrion giving the whores necklaces?  There are definitely more than two of these necklaces knocking about.

Either way, Cersei gets all shouty and Jaime tells her to be quiet because, and I quote here, "The world can't know she's our daughter."

Huh?

Excuse me... WHAT?
I'm 99% sure that, after Tywin's death, Jaime though there was no reason to keep their relationship a secret any more.  He wanted to tell the truth and be with Cersei publicly - she was the one who was totally against it.  Her paranoia about the world being against her was just part of the reasoning here.
Jaime hasn't really got a reason to be against the truth getting out.  I don't enjoy this swapping of personalities.  Like, I know they're twins and that but their characters are not interchangeable.
Whatever.

Jaime makes the obvious decision to go to Dorne, but not before getting his sidekick.  Bronn is with his wife to be, telling her that "meanness comes around" and that mean people "get what's coming to them" and this may be more clunky foreshadowing but, to be totally honest with you, I couldn't concentrate long enough to tell because...

BY GOD LOOK AT JAIME'S JACKET

Somehow undistracted by this, Bronn agrees to accompany Pirate Michael Jackson to Dorne.

SPEAKING OF DORNE HEY HERE'S DORNE
#smoothsegues

So we get to see the new actress for Myrcella.  She was apparently replaced because the role was bigger in Season Five.  Ahem.  Spoiler: it wasn't.  The original actress definitely could've handled it.  As lovely as this girl is, let's be honest, you only recast Myrcella so that you could have her snog her Dornish prince over and over.  Aren't they like 9 and 10 in the books?  Just friends who play cyvasse together?  Eurgh.

Dorne may be saved yet, however, as Areo and Doran are just wonderful in the next scene, if you can ignore Ellaria (WHY IS SHE STILL IN THE STORY? WHERE'S ARIANNE?) who just absolutely goes off on one.

Doran is life <3

Now for Mereen and Dany's storyline, which is always super fun.

This guy looks fearful to me...

The Unsullied capture a Son of the Harpy with help from Daario, who explains that their fearlessness means they're shit at hide and seek or something.  To be honest I lost track; Daario's quite handsome, especially when he's being all smug and I didn't quite follow what he was saying because I was staring at his face and then, suddenly, he stabbed a wall with no conceivable point of entry and a man fell out and he was right and won or whatever.
Sorry.  Must try to concentrate.


Then it's Dany's small council meeting and Ser Barristan's speeches are giving me life; he's just amazing.  He doesn't want Dany to kill the captured man and tells her stories about her father, The Mad King, to help convince her.  Obviously these stories bring up hella emotions and Dany is really feeling it...

Er.

Cut a long story short, Dany agrees to give the man a fair trial and I'm sure that'll all work out just fine.

Varys is busy telling Tyrion (sponsored by Goblets!  Goblets: great to hold your wine) how great he is, yet again and they laugh when they think about how Cersei can't POSSIBLY kill all the dwarves in the kingdom.

#smoothsegues

After allowing the failed Tyrion hunters to go free, Cersei and Qyburn drop in on the small council meeting (very popular amongst leaders this week), arriving fashionably late with a killer attitude to go with it.

The jobs Cersei gives out during this meeting, along with the people receiving them are very confused.  A Master of War is not a thing -- I'd be annoyed if I was Kevan, too.   Qyburn's the new Master of Whisperers, nothing new there, but there's a weird bit where Cersei talks about loyalty; I mean, fair enough, Varys was more than a bit of a traitor as it turns out.  Nothing weird there.

*Cersei.

The weird bit comes when Cersei stares down Pycelle when talking about loyalty.  Seriously?  Don't get me wrong: a Pycelle fan I am not but Cersei... Wtf?  He's done everything you told him to do, including but not limited to spying, telling you secrets, keeping your secrets... Er that time he covered up murder?
He's the most Lannister-loyal person in the room, including the two Lannisters.

Then Kevan tries his luck and makes what he assumes is a reasonable request: to see his King.  You know, the guy who's meant to be running the kingdom?  The guy who's made him 'Master of Wars' (lol, honestly Cersei, you could have at least tried to come up with a real job here to make him feel useful).  Unfortunately, the King's dead busy (probs being manipulated by the Tyrells, Cersei really shouldn't leave him unsupervised) so Cersei is communicating for him.
I can see the similarities to the book with this point but it doesn't really work in the TV series and I'll tell you for why, even if you didn't ask.

Kevan refers to Cersei as the Queen Mother.  In the books, she is Queen Regent.

Okay, I know, but bear with me.  This does actually make a difference to the story and raises some valid (I think, anyway...) questions about this scene.
In the books, Cersei acts as Queen Regent because Tommen is too young to make certain decisions as a King.  Some characters think this is daft and Tommen should begin to learn what it means to be the King but Cersei is adamant and, as she's Regent, there's not much anyone can do about it as she is entitled to speak for the King.
Over in Game of Thrones land, Tommen has been aged up so they can get him to have sex with Margeary and so Cersei is merely Queen Mother.  Yes, she's respected and still royalty but she has no right to speak for the King, nor any power whatsoever.  As Queen Mother, she would not be allowed to sit on the small council unless personally invited by the King.  Tommen is of age.  He should be in that meeting.  There's no valid excuse for him not being.  It's utterly bizarre.  It's ridiculous to insinuate that Cersei is shielding him from all of this.  In the books, people argue that she's overreaching as a Regent.  In the TV series, she should be dragged out of the room by the men and Tommen yanked in to learn what it means to be King (I mean, I don't believe that's fair but that's what would happen in Westeros...)

Anyway, the scene ends with Kevan sulking off to Casterly Rock and everyone being a bit miffed by this, bar Qyburn who just permanently looks smug.

Back to The Wall!
Shireen is teaching Gilly to read and Gilly (for no reason honest there's no ulterior motive by the writers here) strikes up a conversation about her face.  No one's explained what's happened to Shireen's face in four seasons.  All the audience knew was that it looked weird.
Sigh.
Greyscale being mentioned for the first time ever means that the Wall's Season Five reputation for obvious foreshadowing is in tact.
There's some lovely story being told about Gilly's sisters being killed for having greyscale that's totally child-appropriate until Selyse comes in to actually acknowledge her daughter for once.  She ominously warns her to stay away from the wildings because, and I quote, "You have no idea what people will do.  All your books and you still don't know."

Alright.  That's it.  I need some sort of Foreshadowing At The Wall klaxon to sound whenever these clunky lines are being dropped and actors are basically winking into the camera.

Then we get to hear an exchange between Jon and Stannis which definitely won't irritate me will it?
Stannis is having a good ole rant about bloody Northerners whilst Jon admits that they do tend to "only follow their own," a point that is almost immediately proven by a note from Lady Lyanna Mormont of Bear Island, announcing that "Bear Island knows no King but the King in the North, whose name is Stark."  A quick note about this: Lyanna is ten in the books, which makes this 100x more bad arse than you first thought.  She's well hard, trust me.

Also, more crucially, Northerners will not follow Stannis because they believe a Stark should be King in the North but OH NO there's no Starks left that anyone knows about.  

I feel like, even though this is only my second post on Season Five, I'm coming across as repetitive here but, surely, Jon may have a teeny tiny piece of information that may be helpful to Stannis or the North or to himself.

The man who went to run away from his post to help his brother seek vengeance for his dad has casually forgotten the youngest two boys.

The scene that never happened.

Seriously.  How can this be explained?

What is the justification for Jon not telling Stannis about Bran and Rickon?  IT MAKES NO SENSE.

Because he doesn't know about the Stark boys, Stannis reverts to the book plot (IT MAKES SENSE IN THE BOOK) and offers to make Jon a Stark.

I don't understand why the writers made Sam tell Jon about his brothers if nothing was going to be done with this information.  I'm not a fan of Sam bumping into Bran in the first place because it's just yet another coincedence that I neither believe nor enjoy seeing.  Clunky and awkward.  But, you know, each to their own and, if it really HAD to happen, Sam could've kept it a secret and been seen struggling not to tell Jon in Season Five.

It can't just be me?

Then, to rub salt into the wound, Jon tells Sam about Stannis' offer and they have a little chat about what it would mean for him to be a Stark and not once does it come into conversation that there are other Stark boys still bobbing about.  If you wanted to tell me that Jon didn't tell Stannis because he's been sworn to secrecy, firstly, I'd laugh in your fucking face but secondly, you cannot explain why Jon and Sam didn't bring it up.  Just a cursory "argh it's so annoying how we have to keep this a secret" would definitely not make me happy but I'd be more accepting.

I DON'T GET IT.  

Sorry.

Deep breaths.

Back to the Wall, where we're heading into the quickest Lord Commander vote in history.  Sam nominates Jon and gives a mint speech for him, even managing to get in some digs to Janos.  Nice.

All the men currently stood in the room at that time get to have a vote (because why would any other members of the Night's Watch, based at other garrisons or currently standing watch on the wall, or on ranging missions, or getting food supplies, or sending messages get to have a vote for their Lord Commander?) and it is not explained to the audience that the vote can only be won by a 2/3 majority.

Sigh.

This is clearly a tie.  A few questions:

1) Does Aemon always save his vote until last?  If yes, is this because it's a rule that the Maester votes last?  Or is it just a tension-building thing?  Does he bloody love the attention?  If no, why did he do it this time?  Convenient.

2) Jon wins by ONE vote?  Answer: No.

NO.

This means that far too many of the NW are against Jon already, which they're just not.  He had over two thirds of them on side in the books.  This is yet more awkward foreshadowing that Jon is not safe at the Wall.

Speaking of foreshadowing...

(Sorry I borrowed their segue style)

From Sam's speech to the moment Jon wins, I counted five different times the camera pans to Olly.

FIVE shots of a character who is completely fictional (I know they're all fictional -- I'm not that delusional yet -- but you get what I mean).

The Wall's foreshadowing is actually making me feel a bit faint.  We're going to have to move on.

Braavos again, anyone?

Arya's got a bit peckish and has decided to kill a pigeon when suddenly three men who just so happen to speak the Common Tongue because of course they do otherwise how would the girl they're harassing understand what they were saying?  Why, they'd simply have to grab what they wanted whilst shouting at her in a language she doesn't speak which would be much more intimidating and actually get the job done rather than just creating small talk.  That would be ridiculous.  Seriously though it makes no sense why they're not speaking Braavosi Low Valyrian.

Anyway, Arya gets her sword out and threatens them with it but... she doesn't really DO anything because The Old Man returns and scares the hoodlums off.  Arya follows him back to the House of Black and White, demanding to know who he is and apparently losing her pigeon on the journey.  He gives her her coin back.  But the tricks aren't over.

OMGGGGGG HE'S TAKING HIS FACE OFF aaand.... It's Jaqen.

She asks who he is and he's all "No one.  And that is who a girl must become" before letting her into the House of Black and White.  I'm not really sure how decapitating a pigeon before kind of defending yourself before being rescued means you've proven yourself but hey at least her training has begun.

And finally in Episode Two (has this been longer than normal?  This episode seemed to draaaag), a slave guy* in Mereen is threatening that Son of the Harpy man.

*okay honestly I have no idea who this guy is.  

Whoever he is, he kills the man and leaves him out with a message written in lipstick blood apparently to all the slaves, trying to get them to do the same.

Okay, have the writers forgotten that people speak different language?  Didn't they spend hella lotta money hiring people to create languages for them?  Why is this written in the Common Tongue?

The Slave Man Person* doesn't speak in the Common Tongue to Dany, who can speak it fluently.  None of the slaves even know the Common Tongue word 'Mother'.  I feel this message is not going to have it's intended effect, purely because no one will be able to understand it.  I really hope there was a better justification for this and it wasn't just that they didn't want to put subtitles up.

*sorry guys I really don't know who this is and it's beginning to irritate me... Should I remember him?

Anyways guys, the prisoner awaiting trial has been killed and Dany is maaaaaaad.  Omg is he in for it.  You can see the sheer rage all over her...

 Ahem.                                          

All of this reminds me of the whole Robb Stark/Karstarks situation with the Lannister hostage and how executing them was the morally right thing to do but the worst possible move politically.  As much as I miss the Starks, I have to admit that this storyline was a nice little throwback.  Ahhh.... The Starks.  Better times.

So Dany decides to have a big public execution where she reminds all of Mereen (in Valyrian, not the Common Tongue, otherwise no one would understand her and that would be ridiculous) about freedom and justice and needing both.

Accurate representation of Dany and the Unsullied

The Slave Man (right, I gave in and looked it up and apparently he's been credited as 'Slave' and then 'Keyr' and apparently he's now 'Mossador', which was Messandei's brother's name in the books -- he's not her brother, though, he's just a random guy who's about to be killed) is executed and the crowd GOES WILD. 

Not in a good way.  They're all hissing at her and then this huge riot breaks out, with people throwing rocks and basically just beating the shit out of one another and Dany and her Unsullied just leg it.

When they get back to -- I want to say the palace? -- wherever, everyone's pandering to Dany and are making sure she knows they're all standing watch etc but she just wants to be alone, presumably with her thoughts and many many emotions that haven't made their way to her face yet.

OOH.  A NOISE OUTSIDE.

Is it Quaithe?

She's all alone.  We've not seen Quaithe for a while.  

Dany's heading out to the balcony...

Oh I've missed me some Quaithe. We need some more prophecies.

It's a fucking dragon.

She tries to touch it and it flies away.  Of course he does.

We have money for CGI dragons but none for a Valyrian translation of Kill The Masters?

And it's over.  Phew.  We made it.

HIGH POINTS (two this week!)

- Doran and Areo.  Their tiny amount of air time nearly made up for the joke that is currently Dorne.

It's only going to get worse, too.

- Ser Barristan dropping the knowledge.  I think I have a bit of a crush on him. <3

Funny how the two bits I like were bits that included sterling actors in moments where their actions were true to character...

LOW POINTS 

All of the batshit Sansa, Littlefinger, Brienne and Pod stuff that's happening with them basically reenacting a Benny Hill sketch and chasing each other all around the Eeyrie.

Also, that Entertainment Weekly interview really irritated.

Brienne - I'm watching you, pal.  You're starting to piss me off.

What bollocks.

We're only two episodes in and I've nearly lost the will to live.  Excellent.

See you next week for episode three!

Season Five, Episode One

Well.. this is awkward.  Sorry for the delay with this post.  I wish I had a better excuse but I really really don't.  I've just been busy and... Didn't do it.
So let's try to move past it and just get cracking with Episode 1.

We open with Cersei's flashback scene, which I actually quite enjoyed.  There are some little niggling doubts stemming from it, though.

"I just had this strange urge to push her in a well.  I'll fight it off"

I always read this scene as the deep-seated reason for Cersei's paranoia about Margeary (a.k.a. the "young queen" in Maggy's speech).  I thought that this prophecy is what fed into Cersei's belief that Margeary was bad news for her and the Lannisters.

I was never actually convinced that Margeary in the books was as evil, vindictive and plotting as we would see in Cersei's POV chapters and yet, Game of Thrones seems to play up Margeary's smirks and sly looks and, this season more than ever, makes it seem that she definitely is up to something.  Now, I'm not saying she's definitely not in the books;  I'm just saying it's not concrete.  All we have is Cersei's twisted mind telling us what she thinks of the young queen, whereas on TV we see it for ourselves.  It may seem like a slight departure but I can't help but wonder if this book scene has been misread as certain story lines by the show runners ('Oh, a young queen will take over from Cersei'), rather than them seeing it as something that helps them understand Cersei's motives.  Maybe prophecies often do come true in ASOIAF, but this one may come true because of Cersei's actions to prevent it from happening... Sorry, I'm getting over-explanatory.  Let's move on to my next point.

"Will the King and I have children?"
"No"

Okie dokie.  Cersei and Robert will never have children but Cersei will have children herself.   Solid.
No changes here.  Nothing new.

Except...
Way back in Season One, this weird thing happened that I'm going to remind you of in excruciating, unnecessary detail.  In Episode Two, "The Kingsroad", Bran still hadn't come round after falling from the tower and so Catelyn was watching over him.
Ever the doting and caring mother, Cersei understood Cat's pain and so bobbed her head in to give any comfort she could, whilst knowing that Jaime pushed Bran and caused his injuries in the first place.  Nice.

Anyway, whilst she was there, Cersei decided to share a little tidbit from her past: she and Robert had a little "black haired babe" together, who sadly died from a fever.  The baby was also mentioned later in the same season, in a private conversation between Cersei and Robert about how she still loved him, even after the baby died...

So, yes to be fair, my beef here is not with this scene in Season Five, but rather with this baby being added in Season One - WHY?  Was it solely to humanise Cersei or to try and show the viewer how, if a baby has black hair, it probably came from Robert?
This simply doesn't happen in the books - in fact, Cersei talks about how she did get pregnant with Robert's baby in the past, but used moon tea to abort it.  Very different.


But going against the books isn't the main issue here.  The problem is what happens when you do this and forget to check the implications.  What seemed like a tiny little addition back in Season One, used to help the viewers see that Cersei once loved Robert, now has an impact on Season Five's flashback scene because, in it, Maggy definitively tells Cersei she will not have children with the King.

"Maggy’s just speaking of the three official kids who lived and were known, etc. The black haired baby was kept quiet." - Bryan Cogman (GOT writer). Source

Ok.  I don't buy this.  The 'three official kids' were given death sentences by Maggy - they're not going to survive - and yet Cersei is told about them.  Also, she asks outright if she will bear the king's children and is told no.  POINT BLANK.  This makes sense in the book world because Cersei didn't randomly tell Cat (and remind Robert) about a black haired babe...

I feel like all of this confusion could have been avoided if the writers hadn't altered the story so early on, seemingly just to get the audience to empathise with Cersei.

Sigh.  This is not off to a good start at all.

Anyway, we have a nice little segue into present day Cersei heading off to Tywin's funeral and Margeary giving Cersei a nice little smirk (she's on her way to her dad's funeral, Margeary, give her a break love).  Then, a lovely little scene from a parallel universe where Jaime is the paranoid twin and not actually telling Cersei that they can finally be a couple now that Tywin's gone... No, that's not happening.  Why would it when Cersei's internal paranoia eating at her good judgement might put people off her?

Next, off to Illyrio's palace!

Depressed Tyrion is depressed

Varys (lol srsly why is Varys there? Ridic) opens the box and out falls a very dishevelled Tyrion.  He tells him about his "colleague, Illyrio"...
Actually, that's a point: where is Illyrio?  Did they write Varys into this storyline because they couldn't get the actor back?  I liked the idea that Varys was MIA, possibly still hanging around KL and then a his big, dramatic return.  Now, knowing he's here with Tyrion is a bit... Meh.
Now, as much as I enjoy Peter Dinklage's Sad Tyrion beard, I'm still annoyed at the distinct lack of Tysha in the TV show.

Tysha, Tyrion's first wife, haunts his memory.  Once Jaime reveals the truth that she wasn't actually a whore, the guilt and shame and anger over what Tywin forced Tyrion to do to his one true love take over his mind and see him spiralling into deep depression, using alcohol to try to ease the pain.
Without Tysha in the show, this depression, to me anyway, has no real basis and does nothing to endear the audience to Tyrion, who just seems to be self pitying, even after getting his freedom and sweet, sweet vengeance,

"The future is shit," says Tyrion.  Right there with ya, buddy.

Then we go to Mereen and, honestly, I have no notes from this part of the episode, other than "statue ripped down, Dany is angry, yawn".  Sorry about it.

OMG I SPOTTED GHOST ^

To the windows, to the waaaalll*
*sorry not sorry

Whilst we're at the wall, Jon's training Olly.  Nothing to see here.

Definitely not any obvious foreshadowing.
Nope.  Not at all.

Mel escorts Jon to his meeting and, I have to ask, is it just me or is Mel suddenly a lot less red?  To say she's the red priestess, she is so fucking grey.  I mean, her hair looks black.
What filter did they use on this episode?  I know the wall is meant to be dark and cold and sad and ominous and everything but Melisandre is supposed to have unnatural warmth and be GLOWING RED FFS.
Once they reach the top of the wall, they meet with Stannis.  He tells Jon that he's willing to pardon the Wildlings if Mance bends the knee because he needs them to fight.

Okay.  Some issues again here.
Stannis is all about justice and doing your duty.  Mance was a member of the Night's Watch who broke his vows by deserting.  The punishment for this is execution.  Now, okay, he's desperate for fighters but is he really willing to break his moral stance in order to get them?  Even if he was, is there not a simpler way for Stannis to get the fighters he needs, possibly from the Northerners and not the Wildlings?
The answer is, of course, yes.  I have two ideas:

1) Follow the books' plot
This is a crazy idea I know but bare with me.  Davos could be sent off to the Manderlys and Stannis to treat with the mountain clans to get them on side and gain some crucial soldiers.

2) TELL STANNIS ABOUT THE STARK BOYS
Remember when Sam told Jon about Bran and Rickon last season?

... You ruined all our storylines in one fell swoop.

Could Jon maybe do something with this information?  Could he not simply pass this knowledge onto Stannis?

If Stannis knew about the Starks, he could rally the Northern Lords into supporting his claim to the throne and working on getting the Starks back in Winterfell.  He'd get the fighters he needs without compromising his belief in doing the right thing (a.k.a. executing Mance for breaking his vows).

Obviously neither of these things happen.
Jon just agrees to go and speak to Mance and try to convince him to bend the knee.  Sigh.

And it's Eeyrie time!
Oh, wow.  The Eeyrie.

Right, Robert Robin Arryn is a super sickly kid, unable to go a day without one of his episodes but is apparently strong enough to fight (even if it is "like a girl with palsy").  I'm guessing that the writers just want him out of the way for a bit and this seemed like a good way to do it.  I think Sweetrobin is more important than GoT is giving him credit for and this is a waste of him.  Littlefinger says to Sansa that he "has the gift of a good name" and "sometimes that is all one needs" and yet he is willing to abandon this 'good name' to run off and partake in all his dastardly deeds.

Meanwhile, Brienne and Pod are just moping about in their scene, arguing etc.  They have a chat about the Stark girls and there's nothing really happening, nothing to report...

Maybe this memory lapse was for the best.

"I found Arya"

*spits tea all over TV screen*

WOW.  I'd completely forgotten that ever happened.



Hang about.  Pod's spotted something....

SUDDEN COINCIDENTAL CARRIAGE ALERT
Oh, no. But Sansa is right inside.  Right by Brienne.  The woman looking for her.  No way!
Game of Thrones universe is cruel.
And tiny.
So it turns out Littlefinger doesn't trust "knights and ladies, stable boys and serving girls" as they can all gossip and tell people where Sansa may be.  He's so wise.  He's covering his tracks, making sure no one knows where he's going.  I imagine his caution will only continue through the season.

And we're back off to King's Landing to see Cersei at what I think is Tywin's wake and she's watching the Tyrells very carefully as Obvious Margeary obviously flirts with Tommen in an obvious way.  I know they felt Tommen needed ageing up for some unnecessary sex scenes soon but where are his tears?  Show Tommen doesn't quite have the same vulnerability now that he's older.

And someone else is all grown up too!

Huge Lancel is definitely not the Lancel from A Storm of Swords, whose "hair had turned white and brittle" and "was thin as a stick".  Tyrion even remarks that "without his father beside him holding him up, he would surely have collapsed" but just LOOK at the size of him.  He's meant to be such a weak man, whose only solace has been his faith.  Even his wife couldn't comfort him like his faith could.  This is kind of ridiculous.

Kevan claims that the Sparrow fanatics would never have come to King's Landing when Tywin was alive.  Except... They did.
The books gradually introduced the idea that commoners were angry at the Lannisters.  They showed the destruction and grief war had caused across the Riverlands.  They showed people screaming 'incest' at the royal family and starting riots.
The TV series seems to have skimmed lots of these details and now the 'Sparrows' have just appeared out of nowhere, only needing Huge Lancel's dad to mention that they were scared of Tywin for some reason in one quick line to explain their absence, rather than establishing them slowly.
That would make far too much sense.

So Cersei and Huge Lancel have a chat a bit later and he says, "I led you to the darkness... I tempted you with our unnatural relations."

Now.  First of all, Cersei deffo tempted and took advantage of Lancel, leading him to the darkness.  Secondly, I have a problem with the word 'unnatural'.  This seems to imply more than just adultery.  If it's a nod to the fact they're cousins, this is not considered unnatural in A Song of Ice and Fire.  In fact, Cersei's parents themselves, Tywin and Joanna, were cousins!  Weird, strange, lazy oversight by the writers here.

Still in King's Landing, we're suddenly transported to Loras' chambers.

Dorne. Birthmark. Christ on a bike.

Also, how many jobs does Olyvar have?  I wonder if he had to ask permission to go part time in the brothel so he could pretend to be Loras' squire or whatever.

Back to Tyrion, whose depression beard is still bob on and I'm really enjoying it.  Sadly, that's about all I enjoy in this scene.  Varys basically just preaches on and on about how great Tyrion is.  Directly to Tyrion himself.  And a lot of it is just utter bollocks.  I mean, at one point, he says that Tyrion has his "father's instinct for politics".  Come on.  

"Who said anything about him?"

Er. George R.R. Martin did?  When he wrote that you supported Aegon?  No?

Then we just nip back over to Dany, hopefully for a slightly more entertaining visit than earlier...

Daario and Hizdar return and there's a boring chat about fighting pits and politics and a compromise is made and it's all very same-y and expected-

SUDDEN NAKED DANY.  SUDDEN NAKED DAARIO TOO.

Wow.

Daario (as well as being naked) has some thoughts on the pits because of his background, which is definitely completely random, fictional and unnecessary and leaves me mourning the theory that Daario is also Euron.  Unless he's lying to Dany.  Either way. :(

Anyway, he goes on and on about how Dany has to show her dragons but she "can't control them any more".  I'm sure this will be consistently portrayed throughout season five.  Those dragons will never do as they're told.  Ahem.

Daario makes the bold queen that a dragon queen without her dragons is not a queen when, actually, a dragon queen without the word 'dragon' is ONLy a queen (a dragon queen -see?)

Come on, mate.  Get it together.

To really hammer home the point that the dragons are basically bloody feral, Dany goes to see said uncontrollable creatures.  They may be untrainable but they can certainly shoot fire in convenient locations to miss Dany entirely whilst perfectly lighting the dark room.  Well.  They most certainly are uncontrollable.  You've made your point and I'm sure you'll stick to it all season. 

And, finally, we head back to Jon at The Wall.

Oh, Mance.  

Words cannot describe how perfect this scene is.  It makes me equal parts happy and sad.

Happy because LOOK AT IT OMFG. <3

Sad because look at what Game of Thrones could have been. </3

Anyway, Mance is executed by being burned at the stake, an event which Shireen is obviously invited to witness.  I wonder why they've done that and what it could possibly be hinting at.

I think someone taught the writers about foreshadowing and they were like "that sounds awesome, we'll whack loads of it in the storylines at the wall".

Then Mance is, you know, burned and that.  No sign of Rattleshirt.
Shit.

He's really gone.  Gutted.

And that's it.

Episode One.  Done.

TOP MOMENT - Jon n Mance <3

Everything about this scene was just brilliant.  It's made me even more frustrated that the Rattleshirt storyline has seemingly been abandoned because, to me, Mance's character is too good to let go.

LOWEST POINT - Plot holes caused by previous writing errors/additions/omissions

The black-haired babe incident, Jon forgetting about his brothers, sudden Sparrow infiltrating King's Landing...

Well, there we have it.

Honest.

Apologies again for how late this blog post is.

I'll try to have episode two done and dusted a lot quicker.

Hope you enjoyed the rant.

Big love

Unnecessary Moaner x