Season Five, Episode One

Well.. this is awkward.  Sorry for the delay with this post.  I wish I had a better excuse but I really really don't.  I've just been busy and... Didn't do it.
So let's try to move past it and just get cracking with Episode 1.

We open with Cersei's flashback scene, which I actually quite enjoyed.  There are some little niggling doubts stemming from it, though.

"I just had this strange urge to push her in a well.  I'll fight it off"

I always read this scene as the deep-seated reason for Cersei's paranoia about Margeary (a.k.a. the "young queen" in Maggy's speech).  I thought that this prophecy is what fed into Cersei's belief that Margeary was bad news for her and the Lannisters.

I was never actually convinced that Margeary in the books was as evil, vindictive and plotting as we would see in Cersei's POV chapters and yet, Game of Thrones seems to play up Margeary's smirks and sly looks and, this season more than ever, makes it seem that she definitely is up to something.  Now, I'm not saying she's definitely not in the books;  I'm just saying it's not concrete.  All we have is Cersei's twisted mind telling us what she thinks of the young queen, whereas on TV we see it for ourselves.  It may seem like a slight departure but I can't help but wonder if this book scene has been misread as certain story lines by the show runners ('Oh, a young queen will take over from Cersei'), rather than them seeing it as something that helps them understand Cersei's motives.  Maybe prophecies often do come true in ASOIAF, but this one may come true because of Cersei's actions to prevent it from happening... Sorry, I'm getting over-explanatory.  Let's move on to my next point.

"Will the King and I have children?"
"No"

Okie dokie.  Cersei and Robert will never have children but Cersei will have children herself.   Solid.
No changes here.  Nothing new.

Except...
Way back in Season One, this weird thing happened that I'm going to remind you of in excruciating, unnecessary detail.  In Episode Two, "The Kingsroad", Bran still hadn't come round after falling from the tower and so Catelyn was watching over him.
Ever the doting and caring mother, Cersei understood Cat's pain and so bobbed her head in to give any comfort she could, whilst knowing that Jaime pushed Bran and caused his injuries in the first place.  Nice.

Anyway, whilst she was there, Cersei decided to share a little tidbit from her past: she and Robert had a little "black haired babe" together, who sadly died from a fever.  The baby was also mentioned later in the same season, in a private conversation between Cersei and Robert about how she still loved him, even after the baby died...

So, yes to be fair, my beef here is not with this scene in Season Five, but rather with this baby being added in Season One - WHY?  Was it solely to humanise Cersei or to try and show the viewer how, if a baby has black hair, it probably came from Robert?
This simply doesn't happen in the books - in fact, Cersei talks about how she did get pregnant with Robert's baby in the past, but used moon tea to abort it.  Very different.


But going against the books isn't the main issue here.  The problem is what happens when you do this and forget to check the implications.  What seemed like a tiny little addition back in Season One, used to help the viewers see that Cersei once loved Robert, now has an impact on Season Five's flashback scene because, in it, Maggy definitively tells Cersei she will not have children with the King.

"Maggy’s just speaking of the three official kids who lived and were known, etc. The black haired baby was kept quiet." - Bryan Cogman (GOT writer). Source

Ok.  I don't buy this.  The 'three official kids' were given death sentences by Maggy - they're not going to survive - and yet Cersei is told about them.  Also, she asks outright if she will bear the king's children and is told no.  POINT BLANK.  This makes sense in the book world because Cersei didn't randomly tell Cat (and remind Robert) about a black haired babe...

I feel like all of this confusion could have been avoided if the writers hadn't altered the story so early on, seemingly just to get the audience to empathise with Cersei.

Sigh.  This is not off to a good start at all.

Anyway, we have a nice little segue into present day Cersei heading off to Tywin's funeral and Margeary giving Cersei a nice little smirk (she's on her way to her dad's funeral, Margeary, give her a break love).  Then, a lovely little scene from a parallel universe where Jaime is the paranoid twin and not actually telling Cersei that they can finally be a couple now that Tywin's gone... No, that's not happening.  Why would it when Cersei's internal paranoia eating at her good judgement might put people off her?

Next, off to Illyrio's palace!

Depressed Tyrion is depressed

Varys (lol srsly why is Varys there? Ridic) opens the box and out falls a very dishevelled Tyrion.  He tells him about his "colleague, Illyrio"...
Actually, that's a point: where is Illyrio?  Did they write Varys into this storyline because they couldn't get the actor back?  I liked the idea that Varys was MIA, possibly still hanging around KL and then a his big, dramatic return.  Now, knowing he's here with Tyrion is a bit... Meh.
Now, as much as I enjoy Peter Dinklage's Sad Tyrion beard, I'm still annoyed at the distinct lack of Tysha in the TV show.

Tysha, Tyrion's first wife, haunts his memory.  Once Jaime reveals the truth that she wasn't actually a whore, the guilt and shame and anger over what Tywin forced Tyrion to do to his one true love take over his mind and see him spiralling into deep depression, using alcohol to try to ease the pain.
Without Tysha in the show, this depression, to me anyway, has no real basis and does nothing to endear the audience to Tyrion, who just seems to be self pitying, even after getting his freedom and sweet, sweet vengeance,

"The future is shit," says Tyrion.  Right there with ya, buddy.

Then we go to Mereen and, honestly, I have no notes from this part of the episode, other than "statue ripped down, Dany is angry, yawn".  Sorry about it.

OMG I SPOTTED GHOST ^

To the windows, to the waaaalll*
*sorry not sorry

Whilst we're at the wall, Jon's training Olly.  Nothing to see here.

Definitely not any obvious foreshadowing.
Nope.  Not at all.

Mel escorts Jon to his meeting and, I have to ask, is it just me or is Mel suddenly a lot less red?  To say she's the red priestess, she is so fucking grey.  I mean, her hair looks black.
What filter did they use on this episode?  I know the wall is meant to be dark and cold and sad and ominous and everything but Melisandre is supposed to have unnatural warmth and be GLOWING RED FFS.
Once they reach the top of the wall, they meet with Stannis.  He tells Jon that he's willing to pardon the Wildlings if Mance bends the knee because he needs them to fight.

Okay.  Some issues again here.
Stannis is all about justice and doing your duty.  Mance was a member of the Night's Watch who broke his vows by deserting.  The punishment for this is execution.  Now, okay, he's desperate for fighters but is he really willing to break his moral stance in order to get them?  Even if he was, is there not a simpler way for Stannis to get the fighters he needs, possibly from the Northerners and not the Wildlings?
The answer is, of course, yes.  I have two ideas:

1) Follow the books' plot
This is a crazy idea I know but bare with me.  Davos could be sent off to the Manderlys and Stannis to treat with the mountain clans to get them on side and gain some crucial soldiers.

2) TELL STANNIS ABOUT THE STARK BOYS
Remember when Sam told Jon about Bran and Rickon last season?

... You ruined all our storylines in one fell swoop.

Could Jon maybe do something with this information?  Could he not simply pass this knowledge onto Stannis?

If Stannis knew about the Starks, he could rally the Northern Lords into supporting his claim to the throne and working on getting the Starks back in Winterfell.  He'd get the fighters he needs without compromising his belief in doing the right thing (a.k.a. executing Mance for breaking his vows).

Obviously neither of these things happen.
Jon just agrees to go and speak to Mance and try to convince him to bend the knee.  Sigh.

And it's Eeyrie time!
Oh, wow.  The Eeyrie.

Right, Robert Robin Arryn is a super sickly kid, unable to go a day without one of his episodes but is apparently strong enough to fight (even if it is "like a girl with palsy").  I'm guessing that the writers just want him out of the way for a bit and this seemed like a good way to do it.  I think Sweetrobin is more important than GoT is giving him credit for and this is a waste of him.  Littlefinger says to Sansa that he "has the gift of a good name" and "sometimes that is all one needs" and yet he is willing to abandon this 'good name' to run off and partake in all his dastardly deeds.

Meanwhile, Brienne and Pod are just moping about in their scene, arguing etc.  They have a chat about the Stark girls and there's nothing really happening, nothing to report...

Maybe this memory lapse was for the best.

"I found Arya"

*spits tea all over TV screen*

WOW.  I'd completely forgotten that ever happened.



Hang about.  Pod's spotted something....

SUDDEN COINCIDENTAL CARRIAGE ALERT
Oh, no. But Sansa is right inside.  Right by Brienne.  The woman looking for her.  No way!
Game of Thrones universe is cruel.
And tiny.
So it turns out Littlefinger doesn't trust "knights and ladies, stable boys and serving girls" as they can all gossip and tell people where Sansa may be.  He's so wise.  He's covering his tracks, making sure no one knows where he's going.  I imagine his caution will only continue through the season.

And we're back off to King's Landing to see Cersei at what I think is Tywin's wake and she's watching the Tyrells very carefully as Obvious Margeary obviously flirts with Tommen in an obvious way.  I know they felt Tommen needed ageing up for some unnecessary sex scenes soon but where are his tears?  Show Tommen doesn't quite have the same vulnerability now that he's older.

And someone else is all grown up too!

Huge Lancel is definitely not the Lancel from A Storm of Swords, whose "hair had turned white and brittle" and "was thin as a stick".  Tyrion even remarks that "without his father beside him holding him up, he would surely have collapsed" but just LOOK at the size of him.  He's meant to be such a weak man, whose only solace has been his faith.  Even his wife couldn't comfort him like his faith could.  This is kind of ridiculous.

Kevan claims that the Sparrow fanatics would never have come to King's Landing when Tywin was alive.  Except... They did.
The books gradually introduced the idea that commoners were angry at the Lannisters.  They showed the destruction and grief war had caused across the Riverlands.  They showed people screaming 'incest' at the royal family and starting riots.
The TV series seems to have skimmed lots of these details and now the 'Sparrows' have just appeared out of nowhere, only needing Huge Lancel's dad to mention that they were scared of Tywin for some reason in one quick line to explain their absence, rather than establishing them slowly.
That would make far too much sense.

So Cersei and Huge Lancel have a chat a bit later and he says, "I led you to the darkness... I tempted you with our unnatural relations."

Now.  First of all, Cersei deffo tempted and took advantage of Lancel, leading him to the darkness.  Secondly, I have a problem with the word 'unnatural'.  This seems to imply more than just adultery.  If it's a nod to the fact they're cousins, this is not considered unnatural in A Song of Ice and Fire.  In fact, Cersei's parents themselves, Tywin and Joanna, were cousins!  Weird, strange, lazy oversight by the writers here.

Still in King's Landing, we're suddenly transported to Loras' chambers.

Dorne. Birthmark. Christ on a bike.

Also, how many jobs does Olyvar have?  I wonder if he had to ask permission to go part time in the brothel so he could pretend to be Loras' squire or whatever.

Back to Tyrion, whose depression beard is still bob on and I'm really enjoying it.  Sadly, that's about all I enjoy in this scene.  Varys basically just preaches on and on about how great Tyrion is.  Directly to Tyrion himself.  And a lot of it is just utter bollocks.  I mean, at one point, he says that Tyrion has his "father's instinct for politics".  Come on.  

"Who said anything about him?"

Er. George R.R. Martin did?  When he wrote that you supported Aegon?  No?

Then we just nip back over to Dany, hopefully for a slightly more entertaining visit than earlier...

Daario and Hizdar return and there's a boring chat about fighting pits and politics and a compromise is made and it's all very same-y and expected-

SUDDEN NAKED DANY.  SUDDEN NAKED DAARIO TOO.

Wow.

Daario (as well as being naked) has some thoughts on the pits because of his background, which is definitely completely random, fictional and unnecessary and leaves me mourning the theory that Daario is also Euron.  Unless he's lying to Dany.  Either way. :(

Anyway, he goes on and on about how Dany has to show her dragons but she "can't control them any more".  I'm sure this will be consistently portrayed throughout season five.  Those dragons will never do as they're told.  Ahem.

Daario makes the bold queen that a dragon queen without her dragons is not a queen when, actually, a dragon queen without the word 'dragon' is ONLy a queen (a dragon queen -see?)

Come on, mate.  Get it together.

To really hammer home the point that the dragons are basically bloody feral, Dany goes to see said uncontrollable creatures.  They may be untrainable but they can certainly shoot fire in convenient locations to miss Dany entirely whilst perfectly lighting the dark room.  Well.  They most certainly are uncontrollable.  You've made your point and I'm sure you'll stick to it all season. 

And, finally, we head back to Jon at The Wall.

Oh, Mance.  

Words cannot describe how perfect this scene is.  It makes me equal parts happy and sad.

Happy because LOOK AT IT OMFG. <3

Sad because look at what Game of Thrones could have been. </3

Anyway, Mance is executed by being burned at the stake, an event which Shireen is obviously invited to witness.  I wonder why they've done that and what it could possibly be hinting at.

I think someone taught the writers about foreshadowing and they were like "that sounds awesome, we'll whack loads of it in the storylines at the wall".

Then Mance is, you know, burned and that.  No sign of Rattleshirt.
Shit.

He's really gone.  Gutted.

And that's it.

Episode One.  Done.

TOP MOMENT - Jon n Mance <3

Everything about this scene was just brilliant.  It's made me even more frustrated that the Rattleshirt storyline has seemingly been abandoned because, to me, Mance's character is too good to let go.

LOWEST POINT - Plot holes caused by previous writing errors/additions/omissions

The black-haired babe incident, Jon forgetting about his brothers, sudden Sparrow infiltrating King's Landing...

Well, there we have it.

Honest.

Apologies again for how late this blog post is.

I'll try to have episode two done and dusted a lot quicker.

Hope you enjoyed the rant.

Big love

Unnecessary Moaner x