Season Eight, Episode One - Winterfell

Hi. If you're new here, I used to love Game of Thrones until Season Five, when it suddenly became ridiculous: less about logical plotlines and character development and more about attempting to shock the audience while sadly remaining horrendously predictable.
Anyway, now I have a system to get me through: I livetweet each new episode as it airs internationally at 01:45 GMT (@noneedtomoan) and then try to get a full review out the same night (if you want to remind yourself what happened in Season Seven, here are my previous rants: E1, E2 , E3, E4, E5, E6 and E7).

NB: I have admittedly read the entire A Song of Ice and Fire series of books and, obviously, prefer them to the show. However, this blog and my feelings about GoT stem more from the poor quality of the TV show - it is not about comparing it to the books (but, occasionally, I will get really angry and mention them, soz).

So. It's finally here. This is the last ever season of Game of Thrones.

The credits roll and oooh they're new, how exciting. They actually make a point of showing the ice (e.g. the army of the undead) making its way over the Wall, which is a nice change.
All of the promo for Season Eight has been 'for the throne' - focusing on who will be sitting in the Iron Throne by the end. Arguably, the main story of the show and books is the fight between the living and the dead and how, in the grand scheme of things, who rules over the Seven Kingdoms doesn't matter.
The dead don't care who the King or Queen is - they don't adhere to society's rules and this is, kind of, THE WHOLE POINT.
The people in charge are so obsessed with staying in charge that they will forget the most important battle and lose their lives over what is essentially a chair.This rant about the opening credits bodes well, doesn't it?
Moving on!

We follow a small boy, later revealed to be an Umber, pushing through a crowd to see the royal party arrive at Winterfell because who doesn't love a pointless callback to Season One? He runs past Arya, who smirks at him because this is her only face apparently. Jon and Dany are marching through to Winterfell in striking black and white outfits because it's winter but it's not cold enough for hats/ear protection etc. The Hound and Gendry are with them too, as are Tyrion and Varys who share some needless eunuch bants before we see the dragons flying overhead and we FINALLY get some reaction shots from general citizens, which I've been wanting for a while.

Jon et al arrive at Winterfell and we all get ourselves ready for him to have himself some emotional Stark reunions, starting with Bran-

Oh but Bran is an unfeeling robot so that's kind of one-sided. Cute, though.

Jon has a nice hug with Sansa, who is all smiles until she speaks to Dany. It is then implied that these two do NOT like each other because you know how women get, right?

Exposition Bran then interrupts to tell them "We don't have time for this". I mean, he's not wrong. 

We only have six episodes this season! Let's get cracking! And get cracking he does! 

He tells Dany the Night's King has her dragon and his army has breached the Wall. The Dead are marching South.
I feel like this isn't made into a big enough deal. THE DEAD ARE COMING AND THEY HAVE A DRAGON.
Everyone kind of just accepts this information and we move on very quickly. Strange reaction to the undead's arrival being imminent if we're honest, especially considering you were so concerned that you went to bloody Cersei for help last season.
How can you not care anymore?

Anyway, we go indoors and the Northern Lords all hate Jon now because he's renounced his title of King of the North and has bent the knee to Queen Dany. The Umber kid from earlier is sent to go get the rest of his family. Tyrion gets up and speaks for Jon for some reason. WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO HEAR FROM TYRION? In the bigger picture, he's basically a nobody. Why would we want to hear from him? Sansa? Even Dany. Not Tyrion ffs.

It's very early in the episode to already feel like this.

Also, while I'm angry, I think one of my least favourite things about this episode is how Sansa is presented. She has a lot of good questions, such as how are they going to feed all of these extra people? How much do dragons eat? (It turns out, a lot) Sansa says she hasn't taken dragons and everyone else into account when preparing the stores for winter, which has been coming for eight seasons now. This is accepted with eye rolls and almost makes her seem bitchy and catty towards Dany for even asking this. Frustrating.

Speaking of frustrating, Tyrion and Sansa are then reunited. One of the articles I read was like 'I presume they're still married'. Erm. YEAH, because they were always married, even when Sansa was REmarried off to Ramsay. Anyway, Tyrion reminds us all how great he is and Sansa has more good ideas that are presented as catty, like the fact that Cersei is obviously lying to Tyrion and he should realise this (duh).

At this point, I'd just like to say how little it feels is actually happening in this episode. It is SLOWWWW.

Exhibit A: Bran is still sat in the courtyard at Winterfell waiting for an opening to talk to Jon about this big news he MUST know, despite there being NO TIME. I thought we were in a rush, Bran mate?

Anyway, Arya finally reunites with Jon and it's... I mean, it's sweet. I can't hate all of this.

There are two bits I definitely do not enjoy, however:

1.
Jon slagging Sansa off and Arya standing up for her, despite threatening to kill her last season.

2.
Arya: How did you survive a knife to the heart?
Jon: I didn't.
Arya: *has no more questions because resurrection is an accepted thing lol*

[Why does no one care about Jon resurrecting? Surely this is a big deal? They know he has because no one is punishing him for abandoning the Night's Watch, because that was his former self, but no one is reacting to it AT ALL. ARGH.]

We then fly off to our second and only other location for this episode - King's Landing.

Cersei is watching the Iron fleet return with the Golden Company because what is time anymore? [How is this crew back but the army of the undead still not at Winterfell yet?] On the boat, Euron is tormenting Yara, who wants to die and, I mean I feel you babe. He then goes to see Cersei, who is VERY upset at the lack of elephants with the Golden Company, and basically demands sex. Cersei says no but then... yeah, they have sex, despite the phrase "You want a whore, buy one. You want a queen, earn her".

Then it's over to Qyburn, who has such an important task for Bronn that he must interrupt him having sex with three women. [Well, Cersei has a job for him but she can't tell him herself because of Lena and Jerome's contracts clearly stating they cannot be in any scenes together since their horrendous break up.] 

Anyway, the job is that Bronn must kill Tyrion and Jaime with a crossbow if they survive their adventure in the North.

Cersei. You know I like you. I love the short hair and that you've kept it short even though it must have grown so much since it was shaved off.
Listen to me though: you need to be a little less erratic in your actions. You literally had both brothers right in front of you last season.
You had the chance to kill them. Tyrion even ASKED you to kill him. You let them both leave.
Now, what is this shit?
WHAT IS THIS?

Thanks to plot armour, Theon and his band of merry Iron men have managed to kill a few members of the Golden Company [a sellsword company comprising of men hired to fight] quickly and quietly and get Yara out. On their own boat afterwards, Yara gives Theon her permission to go back to Winterfell while she will go back to the Iron Islands and conveniently disappear from the plot altogether.

Back to Winterfell and Davos suggests Dany and Jon get married, which is such an obvious solution I could scream.
Speaking of screaming, Kit and Emilia try to be a couple for a bit but the whole lack-of-chemistry thing is really catching up to them and it's pretty painful. The dragons are sad so Dany's like 'hey, hop on'. Pretty unemotional for what is a big bloody deal. Jon riding her final remaining dragon... It means something. I wanted more than this How To Train Your Dragon scene with yet more clumsy callbacks to previous seasons, when he was with Ygritte in the waterfall and they talked about never going back.

[This scene only leaves me with more questions: Why is no one heading to the Wall? What's the plan for fighting the army of the dead, anyone know? Or is this episode just attempts at chemistry between Dany and Jon before Bran rips it away? How is it cold in the North when you can't even see your own breath there?]

Then Gendry is making dragonglass [is that new? Did I miss that they can make dragonglass and the explanation as to how?] and Arya... flirts with him?

Dany goes to find Sam, who presumably hasn't seen Jon yet, to thank him for saving Jorah from greyscale through the ancient forgotten technique of... cutting off the greyscale. Sam says she can repay him with a pardon for stealing Citadel books and his dad's sword

[not for abandoning the Night's Watch. I mean, everyone's doing it nowadays hehe]

Anyway, she says sorry but she killed his dad (who he hated) and Sam's like 'well at least I have my brother, eh?' and Dany's like

Sam is upset, which I suppose is a natural reaction to losing the abusive father who threatened to kill you unless you joined the Night's Watch and the little brother who hated you. I'd get a conflict between sad and angry and relieved but nope, Sam is just SAD.

Meanwhile, back out in the courtyard (still), Bran tells Sam to tell Jon about the whole he's not who he thinks he is thing because he's waiting for a mate. This is fine, but it now means it comes across as Sam telling Jon that he's the true heir because he's mad at Dany for killing his dad and brother. Much like the dragons scene, I'd always pictured this moment as much more powerful. Jon discovering his true identity. Not Sam getting in a few digs at Dany.

Ah well.

Jon like

Sam heads down to the crypts and tells Jon he is actually Aegon [lol nope sorry] and he's the rightful heir to the throne.
So Jon doesn't get it, saying he always thought of Ned as honourable. Erm, Jon? This was an honourable thing to do?
Also, it feels a bit like Sam glosses over the whole being-related-to-Dany thing and I'm not entirely convinced he gets that bit so that'll be a fun revelation.

Then it's the next scene - I don't know where this is.

Honestly, it's so dark at this point that all I can see is my own confused face in the black TV screen. I can hear bits and pieces but see NOTHING until Beric's sword lights up the screen. Edd sees Tormund and tells the men behind him "Stay back he's got blue eyes" and it was the first line in about four seasons that's made me laugh out loud.

Eventually, you see that the Umber boy is attached to the wall, with a load of... meat? Human flesh? Anyway, it's around him in a spiral. There's a jump scare and he comes back to life, screeching before Beric sets him alight.

Few points from this bit:

• Tormund and Beric survived the Wall collapsing
• Beric can still light his sword with Thoros of Myr dead
• We haven't seen the army of the undead since last season
• The Night's King enjoys leaving weird sigils for people to find like a Criminal Minds serial killer

Final scene follows a hooded mysterious horserider, which turns out to be Jaime. He gets off his horse and sees Bran in his chair [presumably frozen, he's been out there for AGES] and they just stare at each other. It is essentially this scene:

Phew. It's over.

That was a weirdly jam packed episode where nothing actually happened.

Highlights:

• Arya and Jon reuniting
• Edd's blue eyes comment

Lowlights:

• The lack of reaction about the army of the dead passing through the Wall
• WHERE IS GHOST
• The presentation of Sansa as a catty girl rather than the most informed person on the show
• Night's King leaving coded messages 

Summative comment:

Head on over to my twitter (@noneedtomoan) for daily updates but I'll be back same time next week. I haven't seen the trailer yet but safe to say I don't have high hopes. This week's episode annoyed me with its sheer inoffensiveness - there's so much to get through in only five more episodes and they're wasting SO much time. Get a jog on, guys!

xo

Season Seven, Episode Seven - The Dragon and the Wolf

I used to watch Game of Thrones every week, waking up at 01:45am on a Monday morning to live-tweet my thoughts (@noneedtomoan) and staying up late that night to write a full review (if you want to catch up on season seven, here are my previous rants: E1, E2 , E3, E4, E5 and E6). I even had a podcast with two of my friends, analysing each episode between us (She, Herself and Guy).
We were gathering a very small but loyal following but, sadly, my Mac had other plans. It tragically died a death with my blog post of the finale of Season Seven on it. In the midst of planning a wedding, I did nothing further. Without my Mac, I couldn't edit the final podcast episode either. I was so busy that I just let it all go.

However, a Facebook friend of mine excitedly shared a trailer for Season Eight of Game of Thrones recently and I realised I couldn't sit back and stay quiet. It was time to return, kicking and screaming, and I couldn't do that properly until I'd thoroughly reviewed the Season Seven finale.
That leads us to now. I sit in my front room, cup of coffee in front of me, notepad in hand, brightness turned all the way up (OMG IT'S SO DARK), and ready to remember what actually happened in the final episode of the penultimate season of Game of Thrones (I've honestly blocked it out so this will be as emotional anger-inducing as it was the first time round).

Apparently it was a brilliant episode...

"This felt like a return to focusing on the basics of drama — great writing, acting and direction — and was the best episode of the season" - Entertainment Weekly

Let's see if I agree.

We kick off with a recap, which is actually very helpful in my situation:

Me when I begin to remember last episode 

• Euron takes Yara and Theon literally gets in the sea rather than saving her
• Sansa sends Brienne to King's Landing, discovers the bag of faces (OMG HOW COULD I FORGET?!) and is threatened by Arya
• Tyrion and Jaime have a Bronn-facilitated meeting to arrange for Cersei to see proof of the Army of the Dead
• The Night's King kills the Dragon Not Important Enough To Have A Name and makes it an undead wight with blue eyes
• Dany and Jon hold hands (oo-er) and he calls her his queen

Okay let's crack on then. I'll try and do this geographically but there's some confusing crossover bits that I'll have to try and tackle when I reach them.

We open on a shit tonne of Unsullied and Dothraki soldiers at King's Landing and Bronn and Jaime having a nice chat about cocks rather than anything meaningful. Bronn even says he's starting to think that Team Cersei is "about to be the downtrodden"

[Very early for my first aside but doesn't this beg the question - why do Dany and Jon need Cersei? Their armies are much more vast so what can the Lannister army truly bring to help? Wouldn't they have been better off staying up North and readying themselves for battle there? Collecting all the dragonstone they can find? Training the Unsullied and Dotrhraki in combat with the wights? This entire endeavour feels pointless to me. Especially them ALL going. Maybe that's just me.]

The rest of Dany's crew, minus Dany, is arriving by boat. Tyrion makes some SWEET brothel jokes and the Hound goes below deck to bang on the crate with the wight in it and remind everyone what we're doing here.

Meanwhile, Cersei is finding out from Qyburn and Jaime that Dany isn't on the boat with the rest of her cronies and is not happy about it. Regardless, she heads over to the Dragonpit for the meeting.

[I mean, if I were Queen and meeting up with a known enemy who has dragons and wants me dead, I'd definitely meet somewhere with a lot of space overhead, enough for a deadly dragon or three to land in comfortably. Great idea. What could possibly happen?]

Before she goes, she tells Dead Mountain to kill the "silver haired bitch" first, should anything go wrong (#Feminism). Interestingly, Tyrion ranks at No. 2 on the 'who-to-kill- and-when' list... Tyrion. The man she blames for her children's deaths. The man who killed her father. The man she has always been terrified of because she knows she will die at his hand one day. Whoops. They cut that prophecy. (Gah. I really intended to avoid book references. Sorry. My bad.)

Jaime has a weird reaction to all of this. He looks almost concerned about Cersei's murderous impulses. Almost like this is a new side to her, wanting to kill a few people.  This is the woman who blew up the sept containing all of the Tyrells, septons and numerous innocent onlookers.
I'm glad they're distancing Jaime from Cersei but it feels miles too late.
If he's stood by her this far, what will it take for him to actually leave her?
Where is our 'honour' story arc for Jaime? (Ffs, once you start with the book references apparently you can't stop. Soz. Again. I'll reign it in.)


Next, we cut to the gang (minus Gendry... where's he? The Wall? Remember when he was the true heir to the Baratheon throne? Good times) transporting the wight to the Dragonpit. Then, let's waste some time in the finale for no apparent reason by having meaningless catch ups with people who haven't seen in other in a while!

Catch Up 1 - Pod and Tyrion
As much as I loved these two as a duo many moons ago, this conversation added nothing to anything. A nod would have done the same job. Whatever, Bronn realises this and helpfully interrupts by reminding everyone that Pod has a massive magic penis.

[Interesting how this useless fact about Pod has never been forgotten. Anytime we see him, it's brought up. Unlike other character traits - The Hound's fear of fire, which disappeared when he had to mount a dragon, Family Man Davos forgetting his dead son at the hands of Tyrion when they join forces, Jon looking more like Ned than any of the other Starks until he conveniently doesn't last episode - THIS, this penis fact that is completely made up and adds nothing to his character or the rest of the storyline, THIS is remembered]

Catch Up 2 - Brienne and Hound
I suppose this wasn't the absolute worst but only because the actors sold it to me. I have to admit that I liked the Hound's proud smile when he found out people need protecting from Arya but, if we're honest, the overall conversation was still incredibly unnecessary and taught us nothing new. To say that they've cut the episodes down from 10 to 7, they're still including a whole heap of shit we don't need here.

Catch Up 3 - Tyrion and Pod (again), with Bronn
As Bronn said, there's no time for Tyrion to suck Pod's magic cock but there's plenty of time for him to do it to himself as he decrees the are the "heroes of Blackwater Bay". Bronn tries to convince Tyrion, and the rest of us, that arranging this meeting meant no risk to him but it is weirdly above and beyond the call of duty for a man that used to be a sell sword, fighting for the highest bidder. He also turns Tyrion's offer of double the money to change allegiances. It feels a lot like Bronn is loyal to the Lannisters now, sticking his neck out for them, where before this loyalty could easily be bought. (#GoodGuyBronn)

Catch ups over, the Hound leaves the wight outside and they enter THE DRAGON PIT (sorry, the dramatic music made me feel like all caps was necessary). Pod and Bronn leave for a pint, despite the latter organising the whole thing and saying to Tyrion moments earlier that it would get him in Cersei's good books.

Cersei and her mates enter and everyone seems to recognise the giant, Mountain-shaped soldier following her as the dead Gregor Clegane. The Hound visibly reacts and Tyrion agrees that it would seem that every Lannister has a "Clegane c*nt" to help them see their bad plans through.

Me trying to work out how everyone's ok with the Mountain

[This is confusing to me. Everyone knows this is the Mountain? Even though the Dornish were sent 'his head' as justice for Oberyn Martell's death? They're all okay with necromancy, just not when it's the White Walkers? They've travelled across Westeros to prove to Cersei that the undead exist when she has one working for her and they all KNOW THAT? Why can they not get Qyburn to 'fix' some of the wights then? Also, why did Jon tell Davos to keep his resurrection a secret? I assumed it was because people didn't particularly approve of necromancy... But the Mountain can be raised from the dead and work for Cersei and that's fine? WHAT?!]

Just as we had catch ups earlier, we now enjoy about 30 seconds of meaningful glances between people:
Jaime and Brienne
Cersei and Tyrion
Euron and Theon

Oooh. Tense. *eyeroll*

Anyway, it's been a while since there was any #CleganeBowl hype so the writers make sure the Hound goes straight up to his dead-not-dead brother and, somehow knowing he wouldn't be able to answer any questions, has a one sided conversation about how he definitely remembers him and how the Mountain knows this isn't how it ends for him - someone else is coming for him. And, even though now would probably be a mint time to prove this to him (the world is about to end because of the wights, who knows when you'll see him again), the Hound decides to walk back out the way he came.
#CleganeBowl for Season Eight, anyone?

Dany arrives by dragon, late. No real reaction from anyone tbh. No sense of wonder at these creatures that haven't been seen by anyone of this generation. They've just heard stories of them. Here they are, the mythical creatures and...

.... This is pretty much it from everyone.

Even if you want to say that these people were all too tense and scared about the meeting to react, we could've seen some of the commoners of King's Landing reacting to dragons overhead for the first time in their lifetimes. That may have been cool. 

So charisma-less Dany arrives and takes her seat and... says nothing while Tyrion stands up. I get that queens may not talk for themselves. But Cersei certainly does. This feels less like Dany showing her power and more like the writers having a hard on for Tyrion but whatever.

Obvious Euron is on my side too because he's having none of this and shouts over Tyrion to Theon, demandign he submit in order to save Yara. 

Everyone ignores him and, after some snide dwarf jokes, we're back on task. Good ole Jon steps in now because it's not enough to have one man explaining the obvious to two important women. He tells them about the Army of the Dead.
The Hound, hearing his cue from underground, drags the crate up from a different place to where he left it because #drama. The wight runs directly for Cersei until the Hound grabs a chain and stops it (The Mountain was legit useless here so it doesn't bode well for battle, Cersei bbz). He further demonstrates its resilience by chopping it up with his normal sword, only for it to continue moving.

Cersei remains unmoved,  Jaime looks confused and Qyburn, in all honesty, is incredibly aroused, picking up the hand for later use. Not quite the reaction they were hoping for from their demonstration I think.

Jon then goes into further detail about how only fire and dragonglass can destroy the wights and I scream in frustration for a little bit.
Where was this confirmation last episode? Because I'm pretty sure that no one covered this before they left on their stupid, stupid mission. 

The gang that ventured beyond the wall all had weapons and spears but it was never really specified that this was dragonglass, even though they all seemed to successfully kill wights as they attacked. FFS, Jon killed the main guy with his sword. Yes, it was a Valyrian steel sword and this had already happened way back in Season Five, Episode Five (Hardhome) but then why doesn't he mention this?

He lists these two methods as the only ways the wights can be killed when this is clearly not true and clearly wasn't explained to the little A-Team squadron that went beyond the wall last episode. GOD, JON YOU'RE SO STUPID.


Sorry, back to the episode. Euron, who's read the synopsis of last week's mission beyond the wall, asks if the wights can swim and Jon says no.

Sigh.

Why do I do this to myself?

Wights can't swim. Cool. We have mild evidence of this because they will not cross water until it's iced over. Very true, well done Jon.

Except, remember last episode? When Tormund was being dragged into the water by some wights that had just been pushed in there by the Hound?
I couldn't find a GIF for this bit but I rewatched and screenshotted the moment the wights popped out of the water and, trust me, those bastards can SWIM.
This also makes you wonder why the wights spent the entire night on the other side of the water surrounding the A-Team last episode. Could it have been for plot purposes? Or maybe, genuinely, this moment pictured is the moment they realised they can swim? Mainly, my point is THEY CAN SWIM.
This makes me angry because Jorah was there when this was happening to Tormund and he helped him out of the situation. Jorah knows wights can swim but says NOTHING now. This is his moment to look smarter than Jon in front of Dany and he doesn't take it? I call bullshit. The writers needed Euron to go at this point and his only excuse to go was that it was safer to be on water. #plothole

Oh, just in case you don't think two wights surviving a mild dunking from the Hound is evidence that they can swim, please enjoy this GIF of the wights using chains to pull out the undead version of The Dragon Not Important Enough To Have A Name.
How did they get the chains under/attached to the dragon? Someone would have to be able to swim and I can only see wights, how about you? I put less credence to this because, for now, Jon and co don't know about this, but we certainly do.
Wights can swim and D&D are such terrible writers that they have to leave massive gaping plot holes in order to move their story forward.

Whatever.
Euron goes back to the Iron Islands . Bye.

Cersei was apparently more moved than her face let on during the wight display and agrees to the truce on one condition - Jon, King of the North, cannot pick a side. He must remain neutral.

[Quickly, I find it curious that Dany is called a 'would-be usurper' by Cersei and Robb was called a traitor for saying he was King of the North but Jon is just allowed to do it? And is forgiven? #doublestandards]

Well this is supes awks because Jon JUST declared Dany to be his queen last episode.

Cersei also takes this moment to remind us all that Jon is Ned Stark's son (lel foreshadowing) and that Ned was always true to his word, even when he lied about committing treason to protect his family.

Everyone @ Jon

Jon comes clean -- he's already pledged allegiance to Dany. Soz. Everyone's a bit annoyed at him for telling the truth and Cersei is now unwilling to make a deal. She says the undead will be the North's problem first and storms right out of there.

Everyone berates Jon for telling the truth and dropping himself in it, ruining the plan, and Dany reminds him that No Name Dead Dragon (if they won't name him properly, neither will I) died for the cause and, right now, that means nothing.

Welcome to Game of Thrones, Dany. Nothing means anything.

Tyrion tells Jon off for not knowing when he needs to lie and Jon doesn't care; he cannot swear an oath he can't uphold, even if it is the attitude that got Ned killed.

[Gah. Jon. Ned was beheaded by Joffrey because the Lannisters had him up against a wall: he had to lie and say he was a traitor before and now he believes Joffrey to be the true King. If he didn't tell this lie, Sansa would be in danger as they held her hostage. The only reason Ned was able to be publicly executed like this was because he told this lie. If he'd stuck to his guns, they may have kept him prisoner forever, torturing Sansa and using him as a bargaining chip with Robb. I KNOW Ned is remembered as an incredibly honourable man but he lied about this and, of course, he told the lie that saved Jon's life: he is my bastard son. He knew lying was crucial when lives were at stake. Don't blame your weirdly honest response to Cersei here on Ned. This is all you, Jon. You idiot.]

Jon: "When enough people make false promises, words stop meaning anything"
I mean this bit should essentially be the tagline for Seasons 5-7.

So, Jon's got us all in a right pickle. Not to worry! Wise Ole Tyrion will save us!
He heads to the Red Keep to see Cersei, who tells him his only goal is to destroy the Lannisters. Remorseful Tyrion then shares with her that he hates himself for killing Tywin because D&D can't very well have their ultimate hero going around saying he did the right thing, can they? Even though Angry Tyrion had every reason to kill Tywin and enjoyed killing him and Shae (never forget this needless death, guys). I hate that they've written in this shame; it seems so ill-matched to Actual Tyrion, who is meant to be complicated and have elements of good and bad - he isn't just a 'good guy'. Sigh.

Anyway, Cersei cares not a jot for this regret, as Evil Tyrion killed Myrcella (he did push the whole Dorne thing, fair) and Tommen (pretty sure he committed suicide but ok), even if he didn't kill Joffrey (this must be news to Tyrion - who, as far as I know, doesn't know about Olenna's deathbed confession. Weird that he doesn't  ask what's changed her mind since they last spoke...)
Martyr Tyrion tells her to kill him and my big question is: Why. The. Fuck. Doesn't. She.

[Cersei has hated Tyrion for most of her life. She has threatened him multiple times. Dany and Jon are already against her and most of that gang predict that he's going into a dangerous meeting anyway -- I don't think they'd be surprised if she killed him. Yes, Tyrion claims he is The Dany Whisperer and, if he wasn't advising her, she would've brought fire and blood to King's Landing but I don't think Team Dany have time to take vengeance for his death straight away. They'd have to go kill all the wights before they come back for Cersei... Exactly what they are going to do anyway. I honestly cannot understand why Cersei doesn't take this moment. I also can't understand why the writers continue to keep Tyrion alive when his death would be incredibly shocking and make good TV. Remember when we never used to know who they'd kill off next? Yeah, that element of mystery is long gone. Tyrion will stay alive no matter what he does or says. Because he is Tyrion.]

Whatever. Cersei's pregnant. Whoop-de-doo.

*cough* Dany. Dany did that. *cough*

Meanwhile, back at the Dragonpit, Jon and Dany are having a chat while handling bones of dragons past.
Sexy.

Dany says in Valyrian "A dragon is not a slave" sand she slags off her ancestors for keeping dragons chained up in the dragonpit because yeah what awful person would do that to keep their citizens safe?

Anyway, they have a nice chat and Dany blurts out "I CAN'T HAVE CHILDREN" and, when Jon asks her how she knows this, she says that the witch that murdered her husband told her.

Okay. I don't want to be a dick here, Dany, but let's go back to your husband's death. Mirri Maz Duur 'cured him' and killed your unborn child. Drogo was left in a vegetative state and this exchange happened:

And that was it. Then, you didn't want Drogo to live this way so YOU mercy-killed him. So let's not refer to the witch as a murderer, maybe, yeah? Also, Mirri Maz Duur made no prophecy about your ability to have children. I know I said I wouldn't bring them up but the only place with that information in is the books. D&D can't have it both ways -- they can't tell us to think of the TV series as a separate entity to the books and then nick stuff from the books that they've forgotten to seed earlier on. It is REALLY important that Dany has thought she was barren since Mirri Maz Duur's prophecy. It seeds her attachment to the dragons as her children, her sympathy and anger over children being enslaved and killed in Mereen, and the way she is torn about the Iron Throne - she knows she deserves it and it is hers, but she cannot produce an heir, so who will sit on the throne after her? This obviously just seemed like boring book stuff to D&D, and not important character development, so they cut it from Season One. But, now, when it needs to be a surprise that she will be pregnant with Jon Snow's child next season (I mean, duh), they have to have a OMG of course she can't get pregnant bit first. 

Oh, wow, I didn't think I was this angry but apparently I am, sorry.

Back to Dany and Jon, who are, I think, meant to be understanding and trusting one another at this point. We're meant to feel that white-hot chemistry burning between them but... It's just Kit and Emilia pointing their dead eyes in each other's direction and I hate everything and everyone and I wish I hadn't rewatched because honestly we're barely into it and there's so much more bullshit to come in this episode and I might have to take a break to cry for a little bit.

Hero Tyrion returns to the Dragonpit, closely followed by Cersei, who reluctantly agrees to call her banners to march North alongside Dany for the Great War.

Later, Cersei speaks to Jaime and reveals they are not sending their troops to help fight the wights at all. TWAS ALL A LIE. Jaime is appalled and shocked (not sure how, this is classic Cersei) at her lies and Cersei tries to convince him it's for the best, using their unborn baby as the main reason. Then, big reveal: it turns out Euron isn't really going back to the Iron Islands - he's heading to Essos to get the 20,000 men, horses, and elephants of the Golden Company in return for Cersei's hand in marriage.
Jaime is heartbroken and finally sees Cersei for what she is. Apparently of all the horrendous, murderous things she's done (killing everyone at the sept, sleeping with Lancel etc etc), her plotting with Euron Greyjoy behind his back is the last straw. He tries to storm out but Cersei threatens him with treason and seems to signal The Mountain to do something. For a millisecond, I forget that this is Season Seven and not Season Three and I think that maybe there might be a shock death of a named character but, alas not. It is not clear if Cersei decides to let Jaime go or if The Mountain is a bit slow on the uptake (I mean, he is dead) and doesn't do as he is asked. Maybe she needs a clearer signal for 'kill him'.
So this is two traitorous brothers that have asked Cersei to kill them now. Number dead: 0.
Then, as Jaime is leaving King's Landing, it begins to snow. Finally, winter has arrived in the very warm-looking capital.

[Given this reveal, I can't help but feel like the whole Cersei/Dany meet was a pointless excuse to get all the actors together in one scene. Think about it: if Dany would have sent a raven and Cersei would have said no to helping... Would the episode have ended any differently? If they'd just sent the Hound with the wight? Any difference? Really, Team Dany should have stayed North and began preparations for the Great War, rather than faffing about trying to convince someone who hates them all to help them.]

#boatsex

Back at Dragonstone (I'm assuming because of the map), there's some planning about how Dany will travel North. Jorah makes the excellent point that a dragon journey is quicker and much safer but Jon offers a boat.
Which has bedrooms. For... Sleeping.

If you know what I mean.

Theon then takes a minute to catch up with Jon and, I have to take a minute here for Alfie Allen. He absolutely acts his socks off in this scene and I only wish he'd been given some good lines to deliver. Imagine what he could do with a situation that actually makes sense. Gah, what a waste. Anyway, Jon says some nonsense about how Ned was a father to Theon (he wasn't, Theon was a 'ward' or a political prisoner, being held by the Starks to ensure the Greyjoys didn't revolt again. The Stark family always kept Theon at arm's length because he wasn't one of them. It is known) and that he's a Greyjoy and a Stark. NO HE'S NOT.
Theon decides to do the right thing and go and rescue Yara at last (isn't Ellaria Sand being held by Euron too? Does anyone remember her? Have the Dornish just given up? Or do D&D want to pretend Season Five never happened?) so he goes down to the beach to ask some Ironborne men to back him in his rescue attempt.
He has a fight with the leader of the group, who keeps telling him to stay down, but Theon continues to get up and fight. Then, the Unnamed Ironborne man knees Theon between the legs because punching him in the face and heabutting him had been working too well. But, obviously Theon has been castrated so there is NO PAIN WHATSOEVER.

Okay. Okay. This was embarrassing.

Entertainment Weekly said of this scene:

"This isn't meant to be funny. If you can get past that this moment hinges on that silliest of comedic tropes - the kick in the nuts - it's emotionally powerful".

I think EW are giving the writers too much credit here and, honestly 99% of viewers will have had this reaction:

After the shock of the moment, Theon smiles and manages to get four punches to the leader's head, which apparently kills him, and the Ironborne all shout "Yara!" and go on their merry way.

Okay let's head to Winterfell. Not because I want to, but because we have to.
Littlefinger is trying to be the great puppet master he was once rumoured to be before the TV show got their hands on him and tells Sansa to imagine the worst case scenario of why Arya is back. This isn't hard for her: Arya out-and-out threatened her with death when they were on their own in her room so Sansa naturally is very wary of her little sister.
Later, there is a meeting in the Great Hall, she lists the accusations of treason and murder and then reveals... It's Lord Baelish she is accusing!
DUN DUN DUNNNNN
Littlefinger is very surprised but no one else is. She lists his crimes: killing Jon Arryn, convincing Lysa Arryn to write to her sister stating the Lannisters killed her husband before throwing her out of the Moon Door, plotting with Cersei to kill Ned Stark...
All of these things, which probably should've been brought up sooner, eh?

Give me strength.

Littlefinger very fairly says that they have no proof but UH OH SUPER ALL-KNOWING BRAN ALERT. Apparently, just like Westeros has accepted necromancy in the form of The Mountain, The North has accepted that Bran is a magic all-seeing, all-knowing boy, whose visions* can be trusted and can be used as evidence in a trial.

*just checking - didn't the Three Eyed Raven's visions always come from the network of weirwood trees? And that's why the original 3ER (RIP) was most powerful in the cave of weirwood roots? He was connected to everything. I don't remember a weirwood tree in King's Landing when Littlefinger threatened Ned and said the famous "I told you not to trust me" line, so how has Bran-The-New-3ER seen this?

Apparently it's only me, yet again, that cares about the semantics because the Northerners take Bran's word as gospel and ignore his requests to give him safe passage back to the Eeyrie because he is Lord Protector of the Vale (I wonder how Robin is doing, btw).
Sansa remembers that Littlefinger also sold her to the Boltons and how that wasn't too great and Littlefinger realises he can't talk his way out of this one. He begs for forgiveness on his knees, making him the perfect height for Arya to slash his throat, in the traditional execution method of the North. (How cool would it have been for them to behead Littlefinger where Ned beheaded the traitor of the Night's Watch way back in the first episode? With Bran watching on like he did back then? They love Ned in one scene then go out of their way to avoid callbacks in others, just to make sure we know how much of a bad arse Arya is).

Later, Sam and Gilly arrive with tiny baby Sam, whose age makes me want to punch things, and Sam immediately goes to see Bran The Wise All-Knowing. Bran obviously knows who it is at the door without looking up and tells him that he can see everything in the past and everything that is happened now, all over the world. Then he asks what Sam is doing there (slightly less all-knowing than we originally thought).
Bran then becomes Mr Exposition and tells us what has been clunkily written into every Jon scene this season: Jon is not Ned's son, his mother is Bran's aunt, Lyanna Stark. He needs to tell Jon this. He's been corresponding with Jon pretty regularly via ravens but he hasn't told him this but HE NEEDS TO KNOW (?!)
Bran tells us that his name should be Sand, not Snow, because he was a bastard born in Dorne. Sam then tells Bran something he doesn't know (I mean, I'm starting to think that's most things): Rheagar Targaryen had his first marriage with Elia Martell annulled (despite two children together... THIS ISN'T WHAT ANNULMENT IS) and married Lyanna in secret. Jon isn't a bastard.

Budget issues = wig reuse

Bran the Three Eyed Raven has a vision of a wedding somewhere very un-Dorne-like of a man in the Viserys wig (Rheagar, we can presume) marrying Lyanna in secret.

Bran's narration then says that Robert's Rebellion was built on a lie because Lyanna wasn't kidnapped and raped - she chose to marry Rheagar.

[Hello. Me again, with an angry aside. True, Lyanna's 'abduction' was the initial catalyst for Robert's Rebellion but so was Mad Aegon's behaviour. I mean, don't skirt around the fact that he killed Rickard and Brandon under horrendous, torturous circumstances and then called for both Robert's and Ned's heads. That definitely did more to get backing for the rebellion than Lyanna's plight.]

Okay, this is where my geographical summary kind of falls apart as, intercut with this flashback and Bran's narration in Winterfell, is the boat sex scene.

Look how mad he is!!

Jon knocks on Dany's door.
There are no words.
He enters her room.
We pan back to the hallway... and Tyrion is v mad about this.
Lol why?
I know we like seeing Tyrion's angry face but why would he be mad about this? Jon's already pledged his allegiance. Jon and Dany both take Tyrion's advice; it's not like Jon opposes Tyrion regularly.
CONFUSING ANGRY TYRION IS ANGRY.

Anyway, over the top of some awfully passionless sex and Lyanna whispering to Ned, Bran tells us that Jon is the rightful heir to the Iron Throne and his real name is Aegon.

[Erm. What?
Rheagar already has a son called Aegon with Elia. Is he that much of a dick that he would delegitimise his children with his first wife and then name his 'true' heir born of his second wife after his other son? That's so WEIRD. I thought Rheagar was supposed to be a good guy? This is a dick move.]

Obviously Dany and Jon don't know this and so the aunt and nephew precede to have sex. They are definitely naked and writhing but it's all very awkward and incredibly un-sexy. This can't just be me.
Whatever. Sex is done. Incest is still a thing, even now Jaime and Cersei are over. Hooray!

Back on the rooftop, Sansa and Arya are finally having the nice bonding Stark sister moment they should have had the moment Arya returned.
[Honestly, this double bluff of Sansa being wary of Arya only to trust inherently over Littlefinger in a 'shock twist' is so STUPID. Why would Arya threaten to rip Sansa's face off? They were on their own, this wasn't to trick Littlefinger that they were arguing - they genuinely were. The only reason for it was so the audience would be surprised at what happens next, but it's totally out of character, as we see in this finale on the roof.]

Arya and Sansa discuss Ned and how the lone wolf dies but the pack survives. This could have been said last episode without Sansa finding the bag of faces (loooooool, every time) and without any threat from Arya. Then, the audience could be super hyped for them to team up and take Littlefinger down.

[The scene of Arya threatening to kill Sansa when they were secretly friends all along  is on a level with this smile from Hans in Frozen:

Only the audience sees it so we believe he is a good guy, when later on you find out he's only after Anna for the crown and he doesn't love her at all. THEN WHY SMILE LIKE THIS, HANS?!
Sorry, I forgot what I was meant to be ranting about. Hopefully you get my point.]

I do also love how they only talk about missing their dad here. No mentions for their mum or their two brothers. All dead, guys. Not just Ned. There were other Starks.

Finally, back with Bran, he's having a vision of Eastwatch. Tormund and Beric are on the Wall when, after seven LONG seasons, the Army of the Dead have reached the Wall. There's bloody loads of 'em. To make matters worse, the Night's King has only gone and got an ice dragon, hasn't he?
Unnamed Dead-Now-Undead Dragon breathes blue flames at the Wall, which WORKS. It burns a hole through the Wall and many Night's Watchmen are thrown to their deaths (I'm going to go out on a limb here and say expect to see Tormund and Beric alive again next season, though).

Season Seven ends with the wights crossing the Wall and arriving in Westeros.
Considering the distance between the Wall and Winterfell in the show so far, they should arrive immediately next episode but let's not dwell too much on that.

Aaaand we're done! Good God, now I remember why I'd blocked this episode out.
Fewer plot holes and time/travel issues to get angry about but still a very problematic finale.


High Points:

• The Hound's smile about Arya
•    
•  

Low Points:

• Pointless truce talks that did nothing for the plot
• Jaime's character assassination
• Jon = Aegon WTF
• Tyrion still being alive

Summary:

I'm sorry this is so lengthy but, to be fair, so was the 1hr 21min episode.
I will be back soon with a blog post of everything we've been given for Season Eight so far. I have lots of feelings about it all.
Follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness: @noneedtomoan

This April is going to be rough, isn't it?

Season Seven, Episode Six - Beyond The Wall

I've struggled this week.
Despite being proven wrong every episode, I never quite want to believe the leaked summaries (check out reddit/r/freefolk - it's the best for spoilers) are real because they just seem beyond ridiculous.  And yet, every week, I see that it wasn't just poorly written fan fiction; this is genuinely a show that people enjoy and think is good TV.  Episode Six has been reviewed at an average of 9.6/10 by 18,461 people on imdb and it just makes me want to die.
Anyway, if you're new here, my recaps and reviews for the rest of season seven are here: E1, E2 , E3, E4 and E5 and the podcast I make with my two friends that is currently covering Game of Thrones is here.  Prepare yourselves.  I transcend anger this week.  Pretty sure I'm reaching hysteria.

Oh dear.  It has begun.

Quick Q: Did everyone else see the random shot of the map, leading up to The Wall?  Then the fire crackling in the background?  There was no music and no further references to it so I ended up thinking that it was an editing error that had been overlooked in post.  I wouldn't put it past them.  
If everyone else did see this scene... Could someone please explain the point of it to me?  The title of the episode is literally, 'Beyond The Wall'.  I think I know where we're headed and thirty seconds of practically pitch black footage of a table map that no one has used in a while isn't adding anything here.

Okay I'm going to do this geographically again because I can't jump around from place to place like they did for fear of bursting a blood vessel.  Let's just dive into this with Winterfell.

Sansa wanders out onto the balcony to meet Arya who is officially Staring Into The Distance In Order To Wistfully Monologue.

She creepily tells stories of Ned approving of her challenging the rules of society and, yeah, cool, Ned was on board with her having these hobbies (he hired Syrio to help teach her some basic swordfighting) but he never approved of the 'rules are wrong' message she's conveying here.  Ned always knew that, one day, Arya would have to settle down, be a lady, get married, have children etc.  He might have known this wouldn't suit her and wouldn't be her choice but... There isn't a choice.  In a patriarchy, as a Lord, he and his children have to do as they are expected.  Fuck, if it wasn't for these sort of rules, Jon's life could've been very different.

Anyway, when her pathetic clapping ends what was a painfully dull soliloquy, she turns to Sansa and says, "Now he's dead, killed by the Lannisters... with your help".

Sansa trying to work out wtf's going on

Sansa is as confused as all of us are, until Arya reads the scroll to her (note -- Sansa literally tries to get her to stop reading it because she remembers it but Arya looks dead into the camera and is all 'no, I'll just read it, some of us need to hear it') and then she's DOUBLY confused.

But... Robb and Bran both realised I was writing this under duress?  As I was a fourteen year old girl, who'd just seen her father beheaded and was terrified for her life?  And my betrothed was emotionally abusing me?  I was going through quite a bit, mate, surely you realise I wasn't in my right mind?  Also, I sent it to Robb whilst he was fighting in the South.  How did it end up here?

Nope.  Arya has no time for your explanations or questions.  In fact, Sansa, Arya has another bombshell to drop: she saw you there, when your dad was beheaded.  Standing there.  In a pretty dress.

Remember?  I mean, you probably don't remember.
She judges you.  For standing there.  In a pretty dress.
Obviously, you mustn't have had an emotional reaction.  You mustn't have moved.  You obviously didn't have to be held back as you screamed and reached for your father.  In the books, your screams don't haunt Arya.
Nope.
This is just more stuff for Arya to hate you for.  Not terrible, heartbreaking pain that the two of you can bond over.  Unite over a common enemy and the loss of your beloved father.

So, yeah.  Evil Arya™ is officially mad at Sansa for the actions she took whilst trying to preserve her life, the life-altering decisions she was forced to make AS A CHILD.  Cool.
She says that she'll tell all the Northern Lords, even little Lyanna who is TOUGHER THAN YOU'LL EVER BE SANSA.  Sansa gives a good effort, telling her she'd saved the day at The Battle of the Bastards (which is apparently just what everyone in-universe is calling this now?) and we all scream YAAAS SANSA NOW TELL LITTLEFINGER THE SAME AND THAT YOU DON'T NEED HIM WOOOO

Me @  The Winterfell Shitshow

Despite this incredibly sound logic, Arya stays angry and storms off, letting the threat linger so, obviously, Sansa confides in Littlefinger.  The guy whose every move is questioned, who no one trusts and no one knows why is there.  THAT GUY.  He lies and says he doesn't know where the letter came from because chaos is a laddah and then... I don't know.  I think he threatens both her and Arya with Brienne, who is honour-bound to protect them.

Whatever this plan is meant to be, it doesn't play as a well thought-out and carefully played game of chess.  Right now, rather, it all feels a bit like Jenga.  No, not Jenga, that requires forethought and planning.  Buckaroo.  Littlefinger is playing Buckaroo and we're meant to think he's an unrivalled Grand Master.

Anyway, later on, Sansa gets a raven about a meeting with the Lannisters that we haven't been told about but we are assuming is the whole 'show Cersei our dead zombie thing' plan coming to fruition.
Weird, because this is Jon's plan and Sansa said in the previous scene that she hadn't heard from him in two weeks.  You'd think he'd get Varys or someone to pass on word about his plan so that Sansa knew this invitation was important.  Huh.
So our Sansa doesn't fancy it and decides to send Brienne.  Sensible.  The exact opposite to Jon's plan of taking himself off to meet Dany and putting himself at risk for no reason and very, very logical.  Except, the writers decide to make this the bitchiest conversation ever to put Brienne in her place.
YEAH TAKE THAT BRIENNE, CARING ABOUT ME AND MY CRAZY EVIL SISTER

(N.B. Some people are hypothesising that this is all part of Sansa's plan to get rid of the Arya threat; after Littlefinger's words, she knows she needs Brienne out of the way to do anything about her sister.  I call bullshit on this.  The hugely heavy-handed, clanging 'Jaime' name drop is the reason they want Brienne in King's Landing.  Maybe they added the Littlefinger stuff in to justify this but... Nahhh sorry mate I'm not having this.  Nor am I having that Arya has actually killed Littlefinger and is now wearing his face to 'test' Sansa.  Stop trying to make sense of what are just horribly written storylines)


Not to worry.  Only one Winterfell scene left.
OH NO WAIT IT'S THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING EVER

Sansa goes snooping around Arya's room to look for... Things.  She sees the dagger.  No surprises there.  Then, oop, something under the bed catches her eye.  Oh wow, it's a rather lovely brown leather messenger bag, wonder where she's picked that up because she didn't have it when she walked into Winterfell, did she?  I feel like I would've noticed such a beautifully crafted-- Oh, it's full of faces.  Oh, wonderful.

Literal.
Faces.

When she transformed into a huge elderly man?
Just a face mask thing.  Nothing else.

Nothing to change her height or the rest of her body.

LOOK AT HIS HANDS

WHAT

The writers' complete misinterpretation of the Faceless Men and their techniques aside, the rest of this scene is pretty nonsensical anyway.
Arya continues to threaten Sansa, this time saying she will peel her face off and wear it and enjoy wearing dresses and stuff.  She reiterates the fact that she always wished she could be a knight.  News to me, tbf.  She was a tomboy.  She didn't enjoy 'girly' things.  But, as I explained earlier, both Arya and Ned understood the Westerosi societal expectations they lived under.  They knew that this was never a possibility.  Arya never seemed mad about it to me, more jealous that Sansa was inherently good at everything she knew would never succeed it.
Apparently the patriarchal world that has disappeared over the past few episodes has returned with a vengeance and Arya's answer is to turn on her sister. #feminism

Shall we just go to Dragonstone?

"Do you know what I like about you?" Dany pondered, enjoying the opportunity to tell Tyrion how great he is yet again.  I don't even want to summarise this scene as its only purpose was to build tension between the Beyond The Wall shots and remind us that Tyrion is just the best.  Oh, also to remind the audience of these things:

• Dany can't have children and so will have no successor (a plan for which Tyrion probably should've talked through BEFORE pledging eternal allegiance to his queen)
• Dany has no say in any tactical decisions or anything a queen should be involved in deciding ('do we have a trap?' - MATE WHY DON'T YOU KNOW THIS)
• Dany fancies Jon  (OoooOOooOoOoOooohHh)

Later, presumably after receiving the fastest raven in existence, Dany is hopping on a dragon to save her man the world. But, oh no, a decision she's made on her own?  NOT ON TYRION'S WATCH.  He's worried she's putting herself in too much danger, even though she's wearing thick, protective armour --

I mean lol what

She goes anyway, though.  I'm sure Tyrion will not be proved right.
Everything's going to go great.

And now, the biggie.  Beyond the Wall (gasp!  The episode is called that!)

So, at the end of episode five, we saw the A-Team ready to go capture a White Walker:

Yep.



All seven of them.




Great team.

Good, lucky number.


Huh.  Look at that.

There's a few extra men.
I can't... I can't really see their faces.  They appear to be covered with scarves and/or hoods, which is incredibly sensible really.
It's very, very fucking cold, isn't it?
Even if it isn't snowing like it is in Winterfell.  Nor is the snow very thick here.  Nor can you see anyone's breath when they speak.  Nor does anyone lose any ears or noses to frostbite.
But bloody hell, it's cold. Apparently.

Sorry, back to the men.  I wonder what these extra, unnamed characters are doing here?
Okay, you know what I'm getting at.  Obviously, they're going to die.  Is no one else disappointed in Game of Thrones for this?  Yes, it's a classic TV/movie trope: the guys you've never seen before always die on Star Trek, never the leading men.  But this was the glory of Game of Thrones, wasn't it?  In the beginning?  You never knew who was going to die.
The fact the teased us with the shot of just the seven men going Beyond the Wall made us believe that their lives were truly at stake.  But, no.  The men we've never seen before (who are they - wildlings? Previously unseen Brotherhood Without Banners members?  Men of the Night's Watch?) are done for.  Our main guys are safe.  And that sucks.  What's a story with no element of danger for the characters you care about?  Where is the tension if you know the Good Guys ™ have extra men to act as buffers and save them from what should surely be the slight risk of death?

Whatever.  Team Good Guys ™ Count: 13 men (7 named A-Team characters + 6 hooded randoms)
(Although at one point at the beginning here there is definitely an overhead shot of ten men #editing)

No time to dwell on that any further, we have to waste time on several inane conversations:

• Gendry has never seen snow and I think Tormund threatens to rape him, also Tormund utters what we're all thinking: "smart people don't come up here looking for the dead".  Oh and Jon = Mance for not kneeling, if you hadn't already spotted that clunky comparison when Dany said the exact same thing to Jon about not kneeling that he said to Mance... For not kneeling.  Except the Mance thing wasn't about pride.  Jon's appears to be.  #comparisons
• Gendry feels abused by his treatment from Melisandre (and Stannis, also, Gendry, your uncle.  The only Baratheon you've ever met.  Still fancy representing this House?) but that's gay because it almost sounded like fun bondage to The Hound and the rest of us manly men so lol get over it and stop whinging.
• Jon decides now, in the middle of the freezing cold wasteland (that you can't see your breath in), is the time to talk to Jorah about the fact that he knew his dad.  Jon also goes against Jeor's wishes and gives the sword to Jorah, who refuses it (Jorah was a slaver and so banished and disowned by the Mormonts - he doesn't deserve this sword but, hey, that's Jon's choice to make) but tells Jon to give it to his kids (BUT WAIT DANY CAN'T HAVE-)
• The Hound teaches Tormund (who thinks Brienne is 'waiting' to 'make babies' with him - it's not cute, guys, this is obsession and it's clearly one-sided and it needs to stop) the word 'dick' and everyone laughs because penises.
• Beric (who has the most amazing voice, doesn't he? What a waste) gives a speech about life and death and resurrection and how they are there to fight and Jon repeats his Night's Watch vow (you know, the vow he continues to break?  Even though he's pretending he's not resurrected?  Ok buddy).  Oh, and Beric also thinks Jon doesn't look like Ned and loooool I have to just stop this annoying listing now to draw your attention to this sentence from Chapter 6 of A Game of Thrones:

Jon looks like a Stark.  There's all this bullshit, which is clearly off-book, and then there's this.  This isn't writers continuing the story they've been given, or even adapting it.  This is them changing previously known details because they think they're good at foreshadowing (psssst, writers, here's a secret: you're not).  This is such a lazy way to try and tell the audience Jon isn't a Stark.  He looks like them, even if he's only half of one.  It is known.

Me @ D&D

They see the mountain that the Hound had a vision of, which looks like all the other mountains (and also lol yes it's a literal mountain and not his brother, keep on trying to get #CleganeBowl hype).  Then, one of the hooded guys is out front scouting as they enter a sudden blizzard they can barely see into, nothing ominous there until OMG SUDDEN ZOMBIE POLAR BEAR

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 12 men (7 named A-Team characters + 5 hooded randoms)
RIP Hood #1

They get into a circle, back to back but OMG HE'S HERE AGAIN

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 11 men (7 named A-Team characters + 4 hooded randoms)
RIP Hood #2

Thoros and Beric get their firey blades ready but HOLY SHIT SOMEONE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS BEAR

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 10 men (7 named A-Team characters + 3 hooded randoms)
RIP Hood #3

They manage to set the bear on fire, which terrifies the Hound and makes him freeze (lel) on the spot but finally, now actual important people are at risk, people get their act together and Thoros saves his life.  Unfortunately, it turns out fire doesn't harm bears as quickly as it harms White Walkers and it takes forever to it feel the effects.  The bear has a LOT of time to attack Thoros before Jorah manages to step in and stab it.  I think this was dragonglass.  Was it?  No one's discussed it since the caves but I'm presuming they didn't go without it?  It was weird the bear didn't shatter into a thousand pieces though...
They leave the dead men (they wasted too much time chatting earlier and now have no time to burn bodies) and move on.

When we return, they've spotted some White Walkers and decide to set a trap, which, as far as I can tell, is just 'light a fire and hide'.  The White Walkers fall for it and, by the shallow river which is clearly flowing (see right), they are ambushed.
Jon kills the blue guy with his Valyrian steel sword (phew, thank God Jorah said no, am I right?) and he shatters, as do all the others, except for one we will call Convenient Leftover.

Convenient Leftover is bound but screams and summons the rest of the undead.  Jon immediately realises he's a fucking idiot and tells Gendry (the guy who's never seen snow before, let alone dealt with cold like this) to run back to the Wall and get a raven to Dany.  Like all of us at home, Gendry's response is just like 'pfft, what?' but he eventually agrees, even leaving his hand crafted war hammer behind with Tormund, so he is completely unarmed

... Gendry makes it to the Wall.  He runs through an entire night apparently.

"It’s a pretty tenuous chain of events that needs to go exactly right for this move to pay off: Jon and his men need to survive long enough for Gendry to get back to Eastwatch and send a raven to Dragonstone, and then for Dany to fly to the rescue and then find them. But it’s all very exciting, so we go with it." - Entertainment Weekly review 

'Tenuous'
'Pretty tenuous'

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 9 men (6 named A-Team characters + 3 hooded randoms)
Well done for getting out of here, Gendry.  I sense bad stuff is coming.

Well, what do you know?  I was right!  We get more running from the team, most of whom make it to a rock in the middle of the frozen lake (heyyyy, remember that trickling stream by the fire, just a quick run away? lol consistency).  The White Walkers follow, some of them tackling a Hooded Man to the ground but oh shit it's not ground it's ice!

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 8 men (6 named A-Team characters + 2 hooded randoms)
RIP Hood #4

Water stops the White Walkers in a lovely circle around our boys and pfft I mean really guys they're screwed, right?  They're obviously all going to die.

Then it's morning and they've all had a bit of a nap, except Thoros, who is having a long ole nap with his eyes open.

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 7 men (5 named A-Team characters + 2 hooded randoms)
Bye, Thoros.  You froze to death died from zombie polar bear wounds died for a cause.  Apparently.


The Hound drinks more of Thoros' Mary Poppins hip flask until Jon takes it off him, douses Thoros in it and Beric sets him alight, Sandor's back turned again.  Beric tells Jon they should kill the Night's King as, based on the logic that killing the blue man before shattered 90% of the other dead people present, he must have brought them ALL back from the dead.  His plan is never discussed again.

The Hound is bored so kicks Convenient Leftover and then starts throwing rocks.  One of the rocks hits the frozen lake and the White Walkers, who are super smart, start to walk forwards.

OMG FIGHTING YAAAS THESE SCENES ARE ALWAYS SO WELL CHOREOGRAPHED

Oh Hood #5, what are you doing babe

Anyway, it's epic woooo
The Hound starts smashing ice with the hammer, which makes perfect sense to me, but soon stops after doing one little spot because TENSION IS NEEDED SO MORE FIGHTING.

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 6 men (5 named A-Team characters + 1 hooded random)
You know what you did, Hood #5.

Tension, you say?  How does Tormund getting attacked by like 5 wights, two of which have popped up out of the water to help, sound?  Yeah it takes at least 30 seconds for the Hound to rescue him but he's fine, no harm done.  He got a few of those slower White Walkers.

Jon starts screaming, "FLAAAAHHHH BLAHHHHHH," which I think is "fall back" but everyone else must be as confused as me because they all look at him, bemused.  Eventually, they get the memo and everyone starts moving up the rock, Jon dragging Convenient Leftover with him.

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 5 men (5 named A-Team characters + 0 hooded randoms)
Oh, Hood #6, did you really think you were going to make it?

Things look super grim for our A Team and we even get some slo-mo dramatic tension, which is fun, before the LOUD EMOTIONAL DRAGON MUSIC kicks into high gear.

Drogon, being instructed by Dany, is obv aiming for the White Walkers but, luckily, so are the other two dragons.  Could've been awkward if they just set Jon ablaze.  I mean, I would've loved it but people would probably be upset.
Weirdly, none of the men have any reaction to the dragons, except to hurry and run onto Drogon's back with Convenient Leftover in tow, whilst Jon continues to fight the few stragglers heading his way, luckily one at a time (bit weird that we've had two different examples of how scared The Hound is of fire but no emotional turmoil shown from him in reaction to a firey dragon being his one chance at survival).

But, omg, the Night King has a spear.  He has a choice to make here: three dragons to hit and one spear.  One dragon is out of sight, presumably heading home, the other is flying through the air and the final one is stationary in the middle of a frozen lake, holding a load of humans, whom you clearly have some issues with and have been staring out for, what, an entire day?
OF COURSE
OF COURSE you hit the moving dragon.

Plot armour strikes again to save Dany and the A Team!

And, I mean you can just feel the emotion of Dany losing one of her children here:

Look how sad Jorah is </3

Dany tries to wait for Jon, but he realises that the Night's King is preparing a second spear and tells her to go, before falling through the ice under some White Walkers.  Drogon is much quicker than Other Dragon Whose Name Is Not Important and dodges the spear, saving our heroes and getting them back to the Wall safely.

Genuinely, did anyone think Jon would be dead?
What does that tell us about our story?  That our main characters are invincible?

He climbs out of the water, not followed by any of the many, many White Walkers that fell through the ice with him and who can clearly swim, as proven by the guys that tried to grab Tormund,
He pulls himself out using Longclaw, which luckily landed right by the hole he fell into, and stumbles back towards the rock.
The White Walkers click onto the fact that he's alive and start to head towards him but of course he's rescued.

This time, by Benjen, who puts him on a horse but doesn't get on because "there's no time".  He's left to fight the swarms of undead and sacrifices himself for his nephew.  Like he already did.  For Bran that time.

Another slo-mo moment shows Jon facing inevitable death for the second time in the show and it's all so redundant because HE'S ALREADY DONE THIS ONCE.

Back to Eastwatch and we see the Hound throwing Convenient Leftover into a row boat and saying goodbye to Beric and Tormund, because apparently they're taking the wight to King's Landing by boat, not by dragon.  Time is not an issue, as proven as Dany asking for more time atop the Wall, waiting for Jon's return.  She's still not particularly moved by the loss of her child, more scared that Jon will not come back to her.  Sure.
Then, just as she's about to leave, Jon comes back.  Then, a Targaryen boat is somewhere (????) and Jon is just waking up, stab wounds still clear on his chest.  Dany sees this and looks.... sigh, I don't even know any more, excited?

He starts to wake up, and we get a cool shot, looking through his eyes.  We look at the windows and then this comes into focus:













Why is Dany not looking into Jon's eyes?  Is she meant to be and they forgot they were doing this from Jon's POV?  Or is she meant to be 'lovingly' looking at his crotch?

Here, Emilia decides she will fully emotionally break down as Jon holds her hand and agrees to bend the knee.  Because the loss of her child does not evoke tears.  This does.

Finally, we go back Beyond the Wall and the White Walkers are all working together with huge chains they've found... somewhere?  They pull Unspecified Dragon Who Is Not Drogon out of the water and omgggg whattttt he's got blue eyes.

High Points:

• Some of the aerial shots were cool I guess
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Low Points:

• Dany's reaction to Unspecified Dragon dying
• T I M E
• Arya and Sansa

Summative Comment:

Follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness @noneedtomoan.  I've been a bit rubbish lately but am determined to keep on tweeting out the hate.  It's pretty cathartic.

And, if you would like to hear a more balanced recap of the episodes or just hear me argue with my friends, who like Game of Thrones, just a reminder to go and listen to our new podcast, She, Herself and Guy.  Our recap on will be out by Friday night.

I don't know how I'm going to get through next week.