Season Five, Episode Three

Oops!  My bad!
*hangs head in shame*

I can only apologise for my absence, yet again.  My charger exploded at just the right time, when I was ready to type up, so my laptop was out of action for a while.
I basically drank a whole bottle of white wine the night I watched this episodes and made the notes so there is definitely more of an 'angry vibe' than normal, if you can believe that.

Enjoy!

We open on a load of dusty old statues and I genuinely have no idea where we are. My notes on this introductory scene read like Ulysses, probably due already being on glass two.
I won't put you through all that but here's the two best notes (I genuinely wrote these down):

"OMG was that a lion?"
"SHIT I swear I just saw Aku Aku"

(see image if you weren't around in the 90s)

Then the camera pans out and I realise we're in The House of Black and White and we're just watching Arya sweep. There's some mysterious talk with Jaqen about gods but otherwise this is basically three slow minutes of nothing. As boring as this may be to watch, I feel it's a solid introduction to what will have to be a looooong storyline. This goes on for chapters and chapters in the books so I'm actually quite glad that we'll get to see how dull this part of Arya's story is.

Next, we're off to Kings' Landing and Cersei being carried through the streets. The crowds seem very happy with the royal family, weirdly enough. Admittedly, they're not shouting for Cersei - it's mainly for Margaery but there are a few shouts for Tommen, too.

This is strange because there was dissent amongst the commoners leading up to the Sparrows' revolution (in the books, obv, this detail has been skipped over for the TV show), leading to people shouting that Tommen and Joffrey were products of incest and abominations to the gods. There were riots, where things were thrown at the King! Ah well. They're obviously all over it and the Sparrows are just a few random extremists, rather than a group that gains followers due to the logic of what they're preaching and the lack of anything else to believe in.

OMG MEANWHILE

Tommen and Margaery have just casually got married! I didn't even realise this was happening - there's been no build up to this at all; besides the standard dirty looks between Margaery and Cersei, there's been no reminders that the wedding is imminent so it feels like it's come out of nowhere. The ceremony is really quick too, obviously because they want the episode to focus on the reception, oh excuse me, the bedding ceremony, oh nope. Just the wedding night. That's all they wanted. Sigh.

This is really twisted. Yes, Tommen's been aged up (if we believe GOT, Tommen was 8 in Season 1 so, by Season 5, he should be 12 which they've now gone back on, making him 18) but he's still young. The book was weird enough - a 16 year old girl getting married for the third time to a 9 year old king - but there's no sex because they don't even sleep in the same room (hence how Cersei manages to have a whole subplot about bringing Margaery down because she could pretend men were sneaking into her room). Margeary's virginity is a running joke because she never actually officially loses it, despite being married three times. Ageing Tommen up and physically seeing the wedding night just feels... Icky. Especially because the actor playing Tommen was never told how old his character was and so assumed he was 'about 12'. Not okay.

It's also a little disappointing because, even though I'm not a Margaery fan, nor am I convinced that she is as bad as Cersei's warped mind thinks, I can't help but feel that she is capable of being so much more conniving than this with much less effort. She doesn't have to use sex as a weapon to get what she wants from Tommen. In the books, all she and Loras do is pay him attention and befriend him and he loves them because he doesn't get this anywhere else...

Anyway, regardless of how I feel about it, Margaery is all sly and persuades Tommen to send Cersei back to Casterly Rock without coming out and saying it directly because sly.

Then, we cut to Cersei, which is weird because we were legit just talking about her.
A solid return to #smoothsegues
She and Tommen are just having a wander on the roof because that's obv what you do the day after your wedding night.

Cersei immediately understands what Margaery is doing (it's not paranoia- we've seen her plot this ourselves and so it's now a true fact that Margaery wants rid of Cersei and isn't even trying to be discreet about it) so she decides to swallow her pride and go and see her. As she arrives, we get to hear a disturbing conversation about Tommen sex and I hate it and it's weird and it's not what one would expect of a virginal queen....

Margaery puts in some real punches in this scene: calling Cersei 'Mother' and making a sterling dig at her alcoholism that almost makes me like her a bit. Cersei sucks it up and is actually nice to her in return but bloody hell Margaery is on one and now wants to know whether Cersei is Dowager Queen or Queen Mother.

Right. I know you're insulting her and everything and you don't really want to know the answer but... This is a stupid question, Margaery. STUPID. If you are making a reference to the fact that Cersei can no longer be Queen Regent (in charge of Tommen's decisions), Cersei has never been Regent in the show. Tommen has been aged up so much that he doesn't need a Regent. Even if he WAS still youngand DID need a Regent, marrying would make no difference whatsoever. The King would still be too young and would nominate his Regent.
Kevan openly called her Queen Mother last episode and, as sly as Margaery is being right now, she's not stupid, nor is she this unobservant. Bitch should KNOW she's Queen Mother and stop pretending she's being polite because she's not. She's being a dick and everyone here knows it.

Then we jump off to...
Okay I'm guessing North. I want to say the North.... It's grey and misty...
We're in the North, right?
Oh hang on, I've seen Reek. NORTH.
Ooh and a flayed man DING DING DING deffo in the North.

So. Winterfell and the Boltons for the first time in Season Five. Let's do this. The writers seem to love Ramsay; they write him into everyone's storylines and he's all powerful and mental and stuff so I'm sure this episode is about to get a whole load more exciting.

Aaaaand it's Roose and Ramsay eating at a table, discussing the realm and power and flaying and being evil and that. Then Roose tells Ramsay to stop eating (gasp! Important news ahead!) because the Lannisters will not send men all the way up to WInterfell to protect them should anything go wrong and that should worry Ramsay because they don't have enough men.

Watch this space.

Interesting and logical quote about the Bolton army, strength and general lack of manpower there, Roose.

It would be a shame if the writers we were to...

Ignore it.

And pretend it'd ever been said.

Anyway, we get to the crux of Roose's argument/speech/monologue:
"I've found the perfect girl to solidify our hold on the North".

I wonder who-
Never mind. #smoothsegues

"What happened to our carriage?"

Anyway, Sansa asks Littlefinger where she's being taken because she's unfortunately IN the show, which means she doesn't get to see the handy #smoothsegues which spell out the story for us all.
Littlefinger tells her she's going home to Winterfell and, when Sansa is horrified (because, you know, Roose kind of MURDERED her brother), reminds her that she's a Stark and that "dying your hair doesn't change that".

Sigh.


Okay. Here's the thing, Peter.
As well you bloody know, Sansa inherited her lovely auburn hair that you drool over from Catelyn. Catelyn, the Tully girl. You remember her? You were obsessed with her, yeah? So much so that you think you took her virginity (you actually took Lysa's but that's neither here nor there rn). So Cat = TULLY. The Starks all have very dark hair. By making Sansa dye her hair black, yes, you make her look less like Sansa but you actually take away the thing that distances her from being a Stark. You make her look more like a Stark by dying it black, do you see? So, your line really should have been "You are still SANSA Stark and dying your hair doesn't change that", with the emphasis on Sansa. Because emphasising Stark makes no sense if she has dark hair LIKE ALL THE BLOODY STARKS YOU PLANK.

Get it together, Baelish.

Then, there's yet another similarly, stunningly ridiculous speech because Littelfinger's on a roll with them now. His focus is all on revenge, sort of making it seem like Sansa has a choice here and that marrying Ramsay Bolton is the right choice. Oh yeah, Sansa has all the power in this scenario. Most other people in the realm think she's dead, she's wanted in connection with her husband committing regicide, she has no one else to protect her other than Littlefinger...
But this is irrelevant because Sansa CHOOSES to get married to an evil, flaying Bolton man in her childhood home, hanging around all those memories of her entire dead family with the very people responsible for their murders. WHO WOULDN'T?

So Sansa "makes-all-her-own-decisions-as-an-independent-woman" Stark and Littlefinger head off to Moat Cailin and our camera finds its way to Brienne and Pod, a mere stone's throw away, having a chat about how they're going to follow the gang through Moat Cailin, the impassable key to the North, without being seen.

Brienne: "We go around."

Give me strength.

I can't even deal with that.

 Let's move on to their next conversation -- equally as strange -- with Brienne promising Pod that she'll teach him how to fight and ride a horse, things a squire really should have a handle on by now. Then the painful absence of Ser Hyle Hunt is too real. Brienne telling her life story without him there awkwardly trying to make amends is far less enjoyable. Instead, she basically looks straight into the camera and shouts that she was bullied for being different her entire life until Renly accepted her for who she was. Then more weirdness is thrown into this very one sided discussion because, in contrast to her denial about it to Jaime in an earlier season, Brienne decides to openly state that Renly liked men because it's obvious. I mean, it was written so obviously, not as a subtle nuance to be picked up only from a close reading; no, it was basically yelled to the audience and to the whole kingdom. Everyone knew he DEFINITELY was gay. Yeah, that all sounds bob on m8.

Finally, Brienne drops so many serious foreshadowing clangers, I start to wonder if they've transported around Moat Cailin to The Wall of Foreshadowing.

"Nothing's more hateful than failing to protect the one you love" is obvious enough but, just in case you didn't get it...

"Stannis is a man, not a shadow. A man can be killed."*
*Brienne is a proud spokeswoman for Inevitable Revenge.

Sooo... Where to next? I wonder who we'll see.
JUST KIDDING
#smoothsegues

I mean.  To be fair...
Just look at him there, all alive and that.

You can see Brienne's frustration. How dare he be alive after the story that she just told about him taking the lovely Renly away from her.

If only, one day, some day soon, Brienne could maybe get her revenge for Super Openly Gay to Everyone Renly's murder.
*cough*

So, if you hadn't gathered from all this foreshadowing, we're at the Wall. Stannis is asking Jon for a word alone but he is obviously refused because Olly must stay in the room. You know, the stranger kid that hasn't given you any reason to trust him at all.

Anyway, the kid stays and Jon stands firm in his refusal of Stannis' offer to make him a Stark, his honour leading Stannis to compare him to Ned

Then Stannis, presumably breaking the fourth wall and winking whilst he points at Jon, announces,

"HONOUR GETS EVERYONE KILLED".

Oh, The Wall.  Never fails to give us plot points from the rest of the season.  

Anyway, there's a real worry about survival because of the lack of food, but Stannis assures Jon that his lot will be leaving in 2 weeks to march on Winterfell before the snow hits.  He advises Jon to kill all the wildlings and asks if the other men of the Night's Watch would rather see them dead, which they all totally would (we get a good shot of Olly looking mad to prove it so it must be true).  Stannis, in his role as helpful king who gives out all the advice, also warns Jon about Alliser Thorne.

Ye Olde Wise Stannis says that Alliser will be better off at Eastwatch, far away from Jon.  We get this amusing little exchange ->
then Stannis promptly legs it

Then it's Davos' turn to be knowledgeable and fatherly (*sob*) and generally brilliant to Jon, getting Olly to actually do something helpful and recite the vows that he probably doesn't need to know off by heart just yet and repeating the bit where the men of the Night's Watch are the "shield that guards the realms of men".  

He warns that, as long as the Boltons rule the North, the North will suffer and appeals to Jon to do something about it because the consequences if he doesn't will affect the realm.

Then we go to Arya because NORTHERNERS (#nottheirsmoothestsegue) and we see more of nothing, up until an unnecessary use of the C-word, which is fun.
Jaqen comes in and reminds me that he says Arya really weirdly, like "I-YAH", which, because I'm a child, makes me want to see this:

And this is super difficult to get out of your head once it's there.  Very off-putting.

Anyway, she's obviously someone because she has all this stuff, so Jaqen convinces I-yah! to dump everything from her past, except Needle.

I really enjoyed this bit and I honestly, for once, don't have much to say.

(I know, right?)


Let's just enjoy this moment of peace together; it's definitely fleeting.


She then heads back to sweeping. WOO!

There are lots of filler scenes for I-yah! this episode, which is good and bad. Good because I did say earlier that I wanted the 'nothingness' of her chapters to come across. Bad because it's irritating to see airtime wasted on not very much happening. If they cooled their jets, they could show her once an episode, doing a bitta sweeping and having her name karate chopped at her (still seeing those toddlers <3) OR even have left her behind the closed doors of The House of Black and White for a whole season to have her training privately (did someone say Bran? Why, yes, you're right, it would be a lovely parallel) and use the leftover time to help other storylines catch up a bit.

WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?


HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN ON THE DODGY ROPE BRIDGE?

Meanwhile, I swear to God, we're still at The House of Black and White. Seriously?

Apparently, the staff there have also noticed how long I-yah! has spent sweeping because they're fed up of it too.  Jaqen promotes her to washing bodies and, although I'm glad to see the end of her sweeping, I'm upset they're speeding through her story and confused as to how this random girl who, mere minutes ago, couldn't get the hang of lying suddenly deserves a promotion.

THANK GOD WE'VE LEFT THE HOUSE OF BLACK AND WHITE
We're at gates, which is super exciting.  We must be at Moat Cailin already.

Oh. No.  Hang on.  It's Winterfell.
Wow.  Littlefinger's powers of teleportation are incredible.

We see a super awkward meeting between the Boltons and Sansa and, when Ramsay meets her eye, the camera slowly pans around to show Olly 

Oh. Sorry.  Force of habit.

So, who has it panned to?  Tbf, Olly wasn't a bad guess.  It's another new character who wasn't present in the original story whatsoever.
Nice one.

I do hope these random new characters don't fuck up the story just because they can.

Oh also, before we move on some old lady tells Sansa that the North remembers because that's helpful.

NORTHERNERS, amiright? #muchsmoothersegues

Up at the Wall, Jon is overseeing his first meeting as Lord Commander.  Aemon isn't there because he's ill (*cough* obvious foreshadowing at The Wall is obvious *cough*) but everyone else is there to watch Jon dole out the lovely job of Latrine Officer.  There's a lingering shot of Alliser Thorne but, in the end, Jon decides to go against Stannis' advice and instead makes him First Ranger.  He does decide to punish someone, though, and so forces Janos Slynt into taking command of Greyguard ("a ruin") instead and, understandably, he ain't a happy bunny.

OMG THERE'S A SHOT OF OLLY REACTING
Phew.  Thank God I got to see this super important character's point of view.
I wondered how he felt.

Jon reiterates that this a "command, not an offer" but Janos is sticking to his guns and having none of it.  Oop.  We get yet another reaction shot of Olly for some bizarre reason.
Anyway, Janos is taken outside to be executed and it's roughly following the book story, which is good news.  All Jon has to do is ask Edd to fetch him a block and we're on the straight and narrow and actually being delivered a books scene for once.  Glorious.

"Olly.  Bring me my sword"

I despair.

We see Stannis looking on as Janos is brought to the blocks THAT APPARENTLY GOT THERE BY THEMSELVES. *deep breath*
Janos is not about dignity at all. He gives no shits as he sobs and apologises and pleads for mercy but Jon does not care and Jonas is dead.
Justice. Honour. Etc.
I'm fairly certain Stannis just gave the nod of approval for that beheading.

And now, for some comic relief, we get to see the High Septon in a whorehouse with 'Olyvar' (what a busy man, so many different jobs to juggle) until... 

SPARROWS ATTACK

5 points to you if you know these are Spearows, not Sparrows

Seemingly immediately after his naked walk through the streets, the High Septon heads to see Cersei because he wants justice: the Spearows Sparrows responsible arrested and the High Sparrow executed.  Cersei takes this all on board and goes to see the High Sparrow himself but not before giving Trant a line for the first time in a while to remind that he's still a person and he's not very nice and he probably deserves all the bad things coming to him (more foreshadowing not at the wall, we are being treated today).

She meets the hero that is the High Sparrow and tells him she's placed the High Septon in the dungeon and there's more than a hint towards him being replaced by this homeless person feeding, shoe giver-awayer and all round good guy.  What could go wrong?

Cut to Qyburn!
(Oh shit, I think I just set up my own #smoothsegue)

Cersei barges into his dungeon and tells him to send a message to Littlefinger at, and I quote, "the Eeyrie or wherever he's slithering about".  Right.
Didn't Littlefinger, when he left Robert Robin, lie to those in the Vale about where he was going?  Didn't he make it clear in Episode One that he doesn't trust anyone, even the serving girls and stable boys? How on Earth does he expect his messages from King's Landing to reach him?

He really should have left a forwarding address.

Cersei, however, is obvious oblivious to this conundrum and ominously reminds Qyburn to ensure "Littlefinger is clear on the meaning of the word immediately".

He deffo is Cersei. You should see how he travels across the realm. Unreal.

NO TIME FOR SMOOTH SEGUES FOR WE MUST TO WINTERFELL
Sigh.

Reek is avoiding Sansa, who's just having a wander and remembering all the good times probs. There's all sorts of creepiness with Littlefinger (as usual) as he tells Ramsay he's become "quite fond of Sansa".

Ew.

Ramsay replies "I'll never hurt her.  You have my word," and nothing is ominous because Good Guy Ramsay is a good guy.

Then he toddles off, presumably to skip through daisies or help an elderly woman cross the street, and leaves Roose alone with Littlefinger.  Littlefinger assures Roose that Sansa is a virgin because Tyrion never consummated the marriage.
Omg.  Littlefinger said a true.  Well done, pal.

"by the law of the land, she is no man's wife"

Ohhhhhh dear.
No.
I can't.
This.
NO.

They continue as if this makes sense, which is hilarious in itself, and there's some talk of the Lannisters and the "Queen Mother" (see, Margaery, you utter bitch) and then Roose drops the bombshell that he has a message from his rider from the Eeyrie and I can but assume...

Such travel. Many speed. So teleport.

Littelfinger manages to convince Roose that nothing dodgy is going on honest I swear and he lets it go, but only if he can read the response Baelish sends Cersei.

Oh thank God we leave Winterfell.
Of course, we head to see Tyrion because would it be an episode of Game of Thrones without him?

Varys says he has to stay in the travelling carriage but Tyrion's all 'fuck Varys I do what I want' and hops out.  There's some solid back stories* about the slaves and their tattoos** being laid down as they wander through the busy market.
*everyone loves back stories
**speaking of back stories*, after last episode's revelations, should Daario have a face tattoo also?

There's some more mentions of greyscale and stonemen because they're trying to stop the insane idea that only the Wall can foreshadow stuff. MEAN. Everywhere can.
Obviously Tyrion just wants a brothel because classic Tyrion.  There's a whore there dressed exactly like Dany which, okay, they'll have heard descriptions of her looks but seriously, her braids and exact dress style?  Then the camera pans to another new pretend character...
Holy shit, it's Jorah!  An actual character! YAAAAAY

My joy is shortlived, however, because we now see one of the most ridiculous scenes yet.  Tyrion speaks to a prostitute who is sad because no one's having sex with her.  This would make sense if she was annoyed about having no business and the money aspect, but she doesn't seem to be.  It seems like she's actually basing her self esteem and happiness on the pleasure that she gets from being forced to have sex with men for money.  Regardless, Tyrion makes her laugh because she's not dead inside and says "if I could pick any girl here, it would be you," which would be flattering if he was talking to a woman he wanted to date, not pay for sex.  The whore doesn't pick up on this though, and is genuinely touched and surprised and wants to know why.  How could an desperate, sexually frustrated, ugly dwarf with mis-matching eyes and no nose a bit of a scarred face want to have sex with anything  any prostitute  her.  Her?  An attractive young woman who has to have sex with him if he asks and will definitely pretend to be into it.  The mind boggles at the very thought.  Tyrion claims she has a "skeptical mind" and so the unnamed prostitute basically offers to give away sex.  
The prostitute offers to give away sex because Tyrion spoke to her.
It's all so problematic and trying to make Tyrion seem like an even better person that I can't...
I can't even begin to...

SHE BEGS HIM.
But he can't.
He can't because... He's such a saint with such a strong moral compass.  He's a good guy.  In Game of Thrones there are no grey areas.  Tyrion is only good.

Who is this and where is Tyrion?

Thankfully, he brings the conversation to an end and wanders off for a wee when, suddenly, Jorah (who brought his travel rope and gag to the brothel where there's a whore dressed like Dany - try not to think about that) kidnaps him!

"I'm taking you to the queen"

And we're done.
Phew.
That one was a long time in the making.
Apologies again.


High point:
Needle being hidden.  That's it.

Low point:
The exchange between Tyrion and the prostitute makes me sad.

Going to aim to have caught up with episode four this weekend so I can post episode five next week.
I've got to keep going if I want all of season five finished before season six!

Stay with me please.
I'll try harder I swear.

Big Love
Moaner x