Season Seven, Episode Four - The Spoils of War

Hi there gang.  Another week, another review and another few hours spent wondering why I continue to do this to myself.

Actual footage of me, post episode

My recaps and reviews for the rest of season seven are here: E1, E2  and E3 and the podcast I make with my two friends that is currently covering Game of Thrones is here.

Go catch up on those and then come back so we can get started on the action-packed 47 minute long thrill ride that was Episode Four!

This week, I'm going to try something a little different and recap and review by geographical location, rather than in the order events were shown in the episode (I know this isn't interesting to anyone else but I just had to point it out before I started ok sorry).  Oh, also, remember when I said I wasn't going to talk about the timeline anymore?  Yeah, no, sorry, I'm going to have to do that.  I just have to.

Right.  Let's start with The Reach.

Bleurgh.

No.  Not ready yet.  Sorry.

Let's try Winterfell instead, where Creepy Littlefinger isn't convinced he's been creepy enough yet so has moved on from Sansa to 'Brandon' (such an unnecessary use of his full name).  

He gifts him the dagger that was used to try and kill him (cute present, bbz thnx) way back in Season One (aka the writers' favourite season of all time apparently).  Luckily, we weren't too surprised by this because Game of Thrones has been back to its old tricks of #FORESHADOWING anything that's about to happen so that we can all see it coming for miles.  In case you missed it, it was on the page Sam lingered on for no reason two episodes ago.

Apparently Bran's plan in a nutshell

Bran asks Littlefinger if he knows who it belongs to, then shows off that he remembers his "chaos is a laddahh" quote from S3 (sadly sans Irish accent).

So: Bran can remember Littlefinger moments he wasn't present for, but can't find out who owned the knife?  Or he can find out but doesn't want Littlefinger to know he can?  But, he just showed off his awesome omniscience a second later?

So: he wants Littlefinger to know that he DOES know some stuff but also that he DOESN'T know about the origin of the knife?  Or, he knows everything but Littlefinger doesn't know this and Bran wants to keep it this way?

I'm overcomplicating things, right?  

The truth is that the writers wanted Bran to put Littlefinger on edge by him knowing the laddah quote but that they also wanted to keep the mystery of the knife (they may or may not ever actually answer this question; it's kind of their MO, although they did show us Nymeria last week and, if the leaks stay accurate, Gendry should be making an appearance next week so who knows?) and I'm just meant to be okay with this.  I'm not.  Shock horror.

Luckily, Meera decides to bob in to see Robot Bran and so we never get to the bottom of wtf Bran does and doesn't know.  

Omg how dark is this season

Bran tells her she's leaving, then he's all "bleep blorp, thanks" (because he's a robot, geddit?) and she's sad about it, just because her brother and huge fun sidekick friend and cool wolf died on the journey and the family name 'Reed' apparently means nothing to this show.  Lol chill out Meera.

He tells her, "I remember what it was like to be Brandon Stark. But I remember so much else now," and I seriously can't get past two mentions of Brandon so close to one another.  I mean, I know it's his name, but hasn't he mostly been Bran?  So formal now he's emotionless.  Anyway, she leaves forever (a leaked version of the script read, 'she walks out of the scene, out of his life and out of the show').  Nice one.  Bye, Meera.  Thank you for being a friend.

Meanwhile, did you know that the gates of Winterfell are as heavily guarded against unattended little girls as the Red Keep was in Season 1?

Are they capable of writing an original scene anymore?

Just for context:  the Red Keep is the Royal stronghold.  The King and Queen are in there, of course they'll ask questions to whomever decides to rock up unannounced.  Generally, commoners tend to be allowed in Winterfell.

BUT, for argument's sake, let's say that, because Jon is a King, they've stepped up security.  Cool.  Now it's convenient, we're just going to pretend that this society isn't dictated by inherently patriarchal beliefs and traditions?  An unattended little girl would be allowed into Winterfell.  She shouldn't need to state who she is.

BUT, for argument's sake, let's say, yeah, fuck it, #feminism, girls aren't allowed in either.  This girl is claiming to be Arya Stark.  "But everyone thinks Arya's dead; they're right to turn her away," you cry, probably, if you cared.  Last episode, Bran(don) Stark wheeled into Winterfell after everyone seeing what they thought was his charred corpse.  Might be worth letting her in a sec and just investigating further, especially seeing as there is no story of Arya's death; it's just presumed she's died as she's been missing for so long.  

My drunk notes on this scene
#SangriaSundays

Anyway, they swear at her a bit and then agree to let her in to see Sansa (or, as Maisie likes to say, "Soorrnsa") but OMG I ONLY LOOKED AWAY FOR LIKE A SECOND and she disappears.

Luckily, Sansa, in complete contradiction to her guards, is not surprised that Arya is alive at all and knows just where to find her: the crypt!  Once inside, idk, there's some awkward small talk about how they're both alive and Sansa suits being Lady of Winterfell and they hug and Arya tells Sansa about her kill list and, for the second time in Season Seven, everyone laughs about how Arya loves to kill people thinks Arya is joking and... Bleurgh.

I found this entire bit rather cold and lacking.  Even Arya's return to Winterfell was a disappointment.  A quick look around the courtyard and an old ratty banner, that's it?  No building crescendo of emotional music?  No grand, cinematic panning of the gates as she enters and sees her home again for the first time since leaving it with her father?

Was this just me?  Am I asking too much?

Oh, also, Sansa wishes she'd poisoned Joffrey.  I mean, now she's killed one horrific husband for revenge, why wouldn't she have a murderous streak?

Make it stop.  Make the character assassination stop.

OMG BUT THERE'S MORE NEWS:  BRAN IS HERE TOO YAAYYYYY

Oh yeah shit he's a horrible robot person who brings up tragic events and secrets and ruins everything

Bran's job description for season seven

He tells Arya he saw her at the crossroads and grasses her up because her list was REAL, Sansa, and not a joke but it's okay because Sansa finds it adorable that her little sister is a murderer and just smirks it off hehe how cool.  

Not to be put off by this lack of drama, Bran gives Arya the dagger from Littlefinger and Sansa is all 'OMG WHAT' and we're all 'okay yeah that makes sense, she'll use it for something interesting I'm sure'.

(Can I add a big ole #FORESHADOWING here please?)

He also reminds everyone that he's a cripple, which is nice of him.  Seriously though guys, that dagger is no use to a cripple, presumably because it's one of those Valyrian steel foot daggers I keep hearing about.

HEY BRAN TELL YOUR SISTERS SOME USEFUL INFORMATION OR SHUT UP ABOUT KNOWING SHIT

Sidenote

Hey, Game of Thrones staffers...

Fun fact: A lot of Game of Thrones fans were not surprised that Arya ended up with the dagger - she was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly a few months ago to promote the new season and they actually had her wear this dagger as part of her costume.  According to this week's recap, "no, it totally wasn’t supposed to be there. GoT insiders hoped fans wouldn’t notice this spoiler hiding in plain sight on the cover of our magazine".  Sigh.

Then, Brienne and Pod are STILL sparring and Pod is STILL useless and then Arya turns up and challenges Brienne with her very real sword, Needle, and newly acquired also very real and also not a sparring weapon used for practice.

Okay, real talk, when did Arya get this good at swordfighting?  Are we to believe that being beaten with a stick by some waif bitch who gets off hating you makes you mint at swordplay?  Is this a result of her one or two water dancing lessons from Syrio?

I CALL BULLSHIT

Brienne is far too highly trained (and also, rather disturbingly, taking this far too seriously - she's a child, Brienne) for Arya to beat her like this.

There are some weird looks from Sansa to Arya during this scene, which I think are meant to be intrigue and maybe even pride but honestly just come across as fear and jealousy to me.  Also, Sansa is apparently still using Littlefinger as an advisor and is happy being alone with him, discussing business, despite obviously being wary of him, having just gotten the news that he's giving old daggers out to people for no reason and is being very suspicious and creepy.

What is with Sansa's relationship with Littlefinger this season?

She hated him last season, because he effectively gave her away to a rapist, but then learned that she could use him and 'his' army (#whereisRobin?) to her advantage.  Okay.  Maybe I can understand that.  She has made it very clear, however, that she doesn't trust him at all this season (this episode!) and so, in reality, she should want him gone, right?

Hmm.

Let's think about how she could get rid of him, then.

All of the Vale and Northern Lords have declared for Jon; they're on the Stark's side!  If only she had some information about this creepy and weird little Irish man that keeps following her around that could get him in trouble...

Pretty sure murdering the Lady of the Vale is enough to get him in hot water with the Vale Lords, right?  Or Robin, whose MUM he murdered?

Sansa and Littlefinger is gross and weird and is being made out to be a difficult situation when all Sansa needs to do is tell the truth and his power will be gone.  In fact, he'd most likely be executed, right?  You're telling me Robin won't want to make him fly?

Omg.  When you miss Robin, you know things are bad.

Okay, shall we-

NOPE. NOT READY. CAN'T.
LET'S SAVE IT FOR LAST

King's Landing, anyone?  For a completely unnecessary scene that wastes time but adds nothing?  We couldn't possibly have an episode without Cersei, though, obviously.  So, what happens?  Other than NOTHING, basically Cersei has already got word that the gold from Highgarden is on its way home (more magical ravens) and is acting like she's won the war already.  The gold they'll be getting will be more than enough to pay off the Iron Bank so obviously Mycroft, who has waited since before Season One for his money to be repaid, is more than happy to loan more.
Oh, and Cersei drops in a quick mention of the Golden Company.  #FORESHADOWING

Oh no I'm genuinely going to have to talk about Jaime, aren't I?

First, Dragonstone!

I mean, I think there's dragonglass but I can't see shit

Jon and Dany go look at the dragonglass before they start mining it, because there's no need to rush.  Also, some kids drew on the walls in there about the scary white walkers... That they created...  I'm already confused and I know it'll never be explained so let's just move on.

I feel like this scene is meant to be fraught with sexual tension (especially given the lines they give Davos later about feelings and stuff) but, honestly, Emilia Clarke just stares and hopes for the best (also my flirting technique, would not recommend).

Anyway, she tells him to bend the knee AGAIN and promises to help him fight those scary men from the scrawlings if he does.

Then, Tyrion and Varys break the news that, for plot reasons, she's losing now.  She blames Tyrion a bit but, before it's fully explained how his plan was utter garbage and made no sense, Davos and Jon try to excuse themselves.  Dany instead asks for Jon's opinion and is told that the people believe in her because she's not just melting down castles and she's not cruel (just planned to starve a load of commonfolk, but whatever).  She ponders this as the scene ends.

There's some more Davos smalltalk and apparently Missandei doesn't know what a bastard is OKAY THEN LET'S PRETEND I'M OKAY WITH ALL OF THIS AND MOVE ON because, what's this?  A Greyjoy ship?  But who-

It's Theon.  Theon is who it is.

Look how strong he is, too!  Even after years (?) of living as Reek, with barely any food and no light and having his skin flayed constantly and fingers and toes and penises removed.  He's doing so well.

Anyway, Theon and his Unpaid Greyjoy Extras have come to ask for help rescuing Yara but OH NO.  Jon doesn't like him, remember?  He threatens him a bit and then tells him he'll let him off because he saved Sansa.  I say this every week but Alfie Allen is still killin it with what he's given.  Hero.

Jon also tells Theon that Dany isn't here.  I WONDER WHERE SHE IS

Maybe she's near The Reach.

Right.  Okay.
I've made it clear that this will be a struggle.

Bronn in his true form #neverforget

To make life easier, let's break it down into easy sections:
1)  We got the loot but where's Bronn's cut?
2)  How does Bronn feel about the Tarlys?
3)  Oh shit what's that Bronn heard?
4)  Omg how is Bronn doing in this battle?
5)  Will Bronn save the day or nah?
Bonus section:  How does Tyrion feel during all of this?


1)  We got the loot but where's Bronn's cut?
Given that he's just sacked Highgarden and killed an old lady, Jaime is in surprisingly low spirits.  Bronn tries to cheer him up by reminding him that he's owed stuff he hasn't got yet.  Jaime stops a cart filled with gold to pay Bronn, but it's not enough.  Quips and sassy retorts abound and we all have a lovely time.

2)  How does Bronn feel about the Tarlys?
Randall and Dickon tell the boiz that the majority of the Highgarden gold (probably enough to pay off the Iron Bank debt) has crossed into King's Landing because apparently that's how marches work: the majority of the army stays behind, near enough to Highgarden that you can see it in the background and... some people... take the money and run really really really far ahead, all the way to King's Landing.  Such a good plan.  Randall wants to flog the men who are behind, Jaime says no.  Dickon, who honestly looks about 30, has apparently never seen battle before (lol ok then) so our hero Bronn kindly tells him he's an idiot - everyone shits themselves COME ON DICKON

3)  Oh shit what's that Bronn heard?
Bronn thankfully has amazing hearing because, despite their army being spread out between Highgarden and King's Landing (where the Dothraki will have had to ride by), there are no scouts and no one has seen the huge hoarde of charging men heading their way.

Right, timeout from the annoying Bronn stuff for a second.
Jaime's men are on foot?  HOW, and I mean HOW THE FUCK, have they travelled to Casterly Rock (the Inside the Episode last week told us that he went there first, to pick up men and to empty all the food so the Unsullied would be trapped inside), then to Highgarden, then halfway across the Reach in less than two weeks?*
*it has to be less than two weeks because Cersei promised Mycroft he'd have his money by then
Equally, how has Dany, who we only just saw getting word of the taking of Highgarden, managed to ship her Dothraki onto the mainland, then marched this far?  Even if it were possible, how have they not been seen?

What is happening with the timeline?
Showfans, tell me all you want that it's fiction and time shouldn't matter this much etc but I tell you what, it matters when the writers need it to.  When Stannis doesn't have TIME to get to Winterfell before the Winter (remember Winter, too?), it mattered.  If time wasn't a concern in this universe (like it isn't now), Stannis could be King.  Stannis should be King.

...I miss Stannis so much.

Anyway,
4)  Omg how is Bronn doing in this battle?
So Bronn and some other guy get the men to line up with their shields and spears but no helmets and prepare for ambush.

#stillbetterCGI

Dany, with no armour, rides in and starts burning the shit out of everyone and everything (including all the food that's been stolen from the farmers) but -- thank god -- not Bronn or Jaime.
After a little while of watching their men burn, Jaime remembers the 'Scorpion' (did we know it was called that?  If they packed this on their trip, were they expecting dragons?  If so, why are they not more prepared?  Or at least a little less surprised when a dragon arrives?) but can't use it with his one hand so asks our Bronn to do it instead.
The camera then follows who is obviously the most important person in this scene show for one long shot as he runs through battle to try and get to Qyburn's invention.  Omg!  He drops his gold but just leaves it there.  He's so loyal and is really developing as a character.  He deserves it.
A Dothraki guy cuts the leg(s?) off his horse but -- thank god -  he gets away and reaches the the weapon.  He wastes a shot on this Dothraki that is SO OBSESSED WITH HIM and then aims at Drogon, getting him in the wing.  It seems to hurt him at first but then actually he's fine don't worry.  He blasts fire at Bronn but -- thank god -- he jumps out of the way in time.


Then some stuff happens without Bronn that is obviously boring but I'll give you a quick recap:
Dany is trying to get the spear out of Drogon and has no one around to protect her.  Jaime, after -- thank god -- managing to fight off all of the Dothraki, despite only having his left hand which has famously been making him quite bad at combat, decides now is the perfect time to charge at the dragon.  We get to see our bonus:














Bonus: How does Tyrion feel during all of this?
I MEAN OF COURSE WE GET A TYRION REACTION SHOT
Why is he here?  What possible reason could someone give for the Queen's Hand to be at this battle if he's not fighting?  Has he ridden here?  Using his specially adapted saddle equipment that someone's had made for him at the deserted Dragonstone?  WHY?  FOR WHAT PURPOSE?
The only reason he's there is the only reason we see so much Bronn in this sequence: pandering to the fans.
I.  Hate.  This.  Show.

5)  Will Bronn save the day or nah?
I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer.
I'm not even going to broach how the shoreline goes from shallow enough to gallop through to deep enough to be protected from dragon breath.
I'm not even going to acknowledge the fact that media outlets are trying to pretend there's a chance Jaime's dead.

I'm just not.


So, basically, in this episode, Bronn went from being cliche sidekick to fully realised character.  He learned the value of remaining loyal to one's chose house and gave up money for the cause.  He still remembered his friends though, so that, even when the odds are stacked against him, he can rise up and protect them from harm.
My question is: why?
Bronn is no one, and not in the cool Arya way, in the 'supporting funny character who makes penis jokes' way.  Why is his character more consistent and more developed than Jaime's?  Jaime flip flops between loving Cersei and hating her, loving being a soldier and hating everything it represents, not caring about being seen with Cersei and worried they'll be caught together.  Who is he in this battle?  If this is a rehashing of the Field of Fire, shouldn't Jaime be the main opposition to Dany?  Why was the focus on two characters that do not matter in the grand scheme of things: Tyrion and Bronn?  Just because fans are obsessed with them?



If I am completely honest with you, there were moments in this battle when I lost myself.  I projected what I wanted onto it and it didn't even seem that bad.  Then I saw the tracking shot of Bronn and Jaime fighting off countless Dothraki with one bad hand and Tyrion making comments from a top a random hill and I remembered.  This show is turning everything I loved about this world into utter trash.


And that's it.
It's over.  Bleurgh.

I can’t believe how short this episode was and how little plot there was to it.  There’s three episodes left of this entire season. THREE.  How much story do they have left?

High Points:

• The men on fire
• ... Alfie Allen?
• Dothraki choreography

Low Points:

• Focus on Bronn and Tyrion during the battle
• Littlefinger nonsense still ongoing
• Timelines.  Still.

Summative Comment:

I don't know how much more of this I can take.  I know we're past the halfway point now but... It seems like there's still so far to go.

Follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness @noneedtomoan

And, if you would like to hear a more balanced recap of the episodes or just hear me argue with my friends, who like Game of Thrones, just a reminder to go and listen to our new podcast, She, Herself and Guy.  Our recap on will be out by Friday night.

Stay strong, guys.