Season Seven, Episode Five - Eastwatch

Hi there all.  Here we are again.  My recaps and reviews for the rest of season seven are here: E1, E2 , E3 and E4 and the podcast I make with my two friends that is currently covering Game of Thrones is here.

But, hey.  More importantly, it's that time again.

Mood.  Always.

Sigh.
I've officially given up.  I'm no longer setting my alarm and getting up at 01:45 to make sure I catch the new episode.  I get up, like normal, and half-watch the episode whilst getting ready.
This may not seem like a big deal to you but, honestly, as someone who has been obsessed with A Song of Ice and Fire for years now, it hurts a little to completely abandon any hope I once had for this TV show to do the books justice.
Well, no.  That's not true.  I lost hope in that a while ago.
Since season five, my only wish has been for the show to be good.  To entertain me.  For the writing to be crafted and thought-through.  For it to be logical.  Tolerable.

"There are a few provisos and a couple of quid pro quos... 

Tyrion will be great, always, time and distance mean nothing now and Dorne? Hahahahahaa

... The more episodes we get, the more I realise this wish is never going to be granted.

Anyway, not to worry.  I'll just find some GIFs to try and keep me calm and cry myself to sleep at night.  What a plan.

Okay then.  Episode Five.  Strap yourselves in; this got weird.

We start back in... The Reach.
You know me, right?  I'm not one to nitpick.  However, let's pretend for one moment that I believe a few things: that the water Bronn pushed Jaime into was actually that deep, despite it being shallow enough for him to ride his horse through mere moments ago, that Jaime's heavy armour didn't weigh him down and make him impossible to pull very far at all and also that Jaime has a hand literally made out of gold...
How did Bronn and Jaime both hold their breaths for this long?  Because, let's be honest, they've made it a fair old way downstream before we see them taking what is presumably their first deep breath after struggling underwater all this time.  It was a huge, gasping breath and Jaime actually throws up some water, so one has to assume that this is them only just resurfacing.  This added to the fact that Dany and her people haven't caught them, implying they must have got pretty far away, is just insanity.
So, according to season seven, when in battle, the best thing to do is just jump into the nearest body of water.  Your enemies will just assume you're dead apparently and not even try to retrieve you.  First Theon, now Jaime and Bronn.

Anyway, they get out of the water and Jaime tells Bronn that they need to be concerned about the dragons.  Bronn is all, "nuh uh, dragons were not part of our deal," which I totally buy as something a sellsword who's changed sides depending on who's paying.  I don't buy it for the hero who ran through fire to get to a crossbow to save a family name he has no connection to and who jumped into a pool of water of unspecified depth to save a man he just lost all his gold for.
I don't get Bronn any more.  Is he in love with Jaime?  I mean, it'd explain a lot.

Presumably just around the corner, Dany and the Dothraki are rounding up the survivors from the battle (not Jaime Lannister though, he's probably dead don't worry about him) to threaten them with death whilst lecturing them about how their current queen will start wars and murder the innocent and also did you know both pots and kettles are black?

VERY WELL.  GIVE THEM CAKE.

I mean, if that wasn't motivation enough, Dany offers them "a choice" (according to Benioff and Weiss in the Inside the Episode): bend the knee or die.  I can't even get into how this is not a choice.  Anything 'or death' is not a choice.
But, more importantly, are we supposed to like Dany here?  Or, like Tyrion, be concerned for her?  Is this use of 'Dracarys' scary and ominous but her other times we're meant to be screaming 'YAAAAS QWEEEN'?  Help am confused.

Anyway, not so surprisingly, most of the soldiers choose life and bend the knee to Dany rather than facing painful death by being burned alive.  However, tough men Tarly Boiz remain standing because... Well honestly no one knows.
Tarly is stubborn, sure, but he did just recently abandon the Tarlys' age hold allegiance with the Tyrells to side with the Lannisters but that new loyalty apparently runs real deep.  He goes all Brexit again and tells Dany he can't bend the knee to her because she's not from round these parts, basically.
She wasn't "born in Westeros" (*cough* we were literally told last week that she was born at Dragonstone *cough*) so how can he trust her?
Then Dickon gets awkward and is like, but he stood up so now I kind of have to stay stood up...  His dad tells him to kneel but he refuses and, yeah, Dany kills them.  (I guess we'll never know how he felt about Sam stealing the ancestral sword, huh?  Another random story popped in there for no reason.)
Tyrion is obviously seriously peturbed by all of this burning malarkey and wants her to offer the Night's Watch or any other type alternative because his moral compass always points due North -

#neverforget

Right, in all seriousness, the writers' aim on this show has always been to show Tyrion in a favourable light, and that's fine; he's obviously their favourite character, they're perfectly entitled to change the show to fit around him BUT they do seem to be obsessed with making every storyline revolve around him.  This is Dany's plotline, right?  HER fight to become Queen of the Seven Kingdoms?  Then why, in every important scene we've had of her, is Tyrion the focus?
When we first get a proper scene of Dany at Dragonstone, we get Tyrion and Varys explaining to her that she was born in a storm.  When it comes time for her to reveal her big plans for attack, it turns out Tyrion has made all the decisions and it's him explaining the tactics at every given opportunity (including a hugely unnecessary voiceover describing the entire battle).  When she was about to die at the hands of Jaime, we get an emotional close up of Tyrion, calling him an idiot.  When she's making stupid violent powerful political decisions in The Reach, we get close ups of Tyrion's moral struggle to accept her choice.  Not to mention all the times she's looked to Tyrion for permission before making big decisions.

I'm honestly bored of the Tyrion Too Pure For This World But Also Very Smart And Great At Plans act now and I'd just like to see the main characters of each plotline be back in charge of their own stories.  Please.

Sorry.  Back to the episode.  Dany leaves Tyrion to probably just walk back or maybe just ride in the lap of Dothraki (I'm imagining there's no blacksmith at Dragonstone to make his special equipment to help him ride a horse?) and flies Drogon back home.  She bumps into Jon and OMG HE TOUCHES HIS FACE WHAAAAAT
We get an amazing, emotion-filled close up of Dany as she realises her beau, her betrothed, her lover, her nephew Jon is super into dragons too:

Tbh I've just been waiting to be able to use this GIF <3

On a serious note, dear show watchers - do you know what significance this has?  Do you know who Jon is?  Or why that's important?  I'm not trying to be patronising, I swear; I am genuinely intrigued if this has been conveyed effectively.  I can't help but feel that this has been hugely underexplained.  It's this HUGE spoiler and yet, since they showed some baby's face fading into Jon's, nothing's been said about it.  Lots of clunky references to him not being a Stark and actually being a Targaryen but the relationship just ignored and confusing.
Sigh.  All the backstory we get that is so unnecessary and yet this is just avoided.

Speaking of unnecessary, remember when Jorah got greyscale?
Was there a point to that?  What was gained?  What did this do to the plot of the show?  Was there anything that happened because of this storyline or was it just another pointless addition?  Sam could have done a multitude of things to get himself in trouble.  Jorah could've been sent off on some other stupid meaningless task.
Gah.  I mean, he didn't even find a cure; he happened upon an acolyte willing to risk his place at the Citadel to peel the bad stuff off (because greyscale is cured by just taking off the top layer of skin).

Anyway, Jorah is back now.
The Dothraki escort him in.  Because the Dothraki are back.  An entire hoarde has managed to march from the Reach and sail across to Dragonstone in the same amount of time it's taken Dany to ride Drogon there.  Uh huh.  Seems legit.

But yeah lol he's still friendzoned because that's the most important facet of their relationship.

Omg I haven't even done Winterfell yet and I'm already so mad.
So, by the weirwood tree, Bran is using a flock of ravens (why so many, Bran?  Just use one three eyed one bbz) to have a nosey beyond the Wall (remember there?  There's a shit tonne of White Walkers walking in slow motion towards Westeros over there).  Anyway, it turns out that there's a shit tonne of White Walkers walking towards Westeros over there and we're all like

And Bran decides it's time to send some ravens.  So he just wargs into some ravens again and sends them to the various locations he needs the news to travel tells his maester to write out the messages.

Cut back to Dragonstone, where Tyrion and Varys are discussing how Dany would be an amazing queen if she just stopped making decisions and let them control every aspect of her rule. #feminism
Anyway, the maester's super time travelling raven has reached already and Varys tells Tyrion he hasn't read it because it's just for the eyes of Jon but it says about the White Walkers if you must know.  Hahhahaahahahahahah he said he didn't read it but he did #comedy
They hand this over to Jon, who discusses it with Dany and wants to go fight.  She won't give him permission to leave so there may be some conflict here--

Oh no, it's okay Tyrion has a plan.  Again.  Rehash what has already been done with Alliser Thorne and the wight's hand Go and capture one White Walker and bring it back 'alive' to show to Cersei.  Then, they can all band together and fight the common enemy.
Wow, Tyrion is bad at plans.

Of course we're back in King's Landing again because it's been far too long since we saw Cersei.  She won't believe that they're losing, nor will she take an elderly woman's deathbed confession to her son's murder.  Fair.

King's Landing got me like

Anyway, because what even is logic anymore, Davos and Tyrion are landing outside the Red Keep.  In broad daylight.  Davos tells him not to worry about being spotted; the Gold Cloaks don't come down here anymore because there's too many steps... K.

They split up, with Tyrion going to the skull room to meet with Jaime.  Bronn has apparently set this up, convincing Jaime that he's actually just going training.

Okay.  What?
How much time has passed between Tyrion coming up with this plan and him managing to co-ordinate this with Bronn?  HOW did he organise this with Bronn?  Secret mobile phones?  Landlines?  Fax machines?  Pagers?  How would he get a raven directly to a sellsword who hangs out with Jaime without it going through Qyburn?  WHAT THE FUCK?

Regardless of the implausibility of this entire scene, Jaime is obviously upset with Tyrion and has no time for his 'wah, wah, my dad hated me' thing.  Neither do I, Jaime.  I hear you.
WHAT WAS THE POINT IN THIS SCENE?

Jaime goes to tell Cersei everything that happened right away because they're so in love and tell each other everything.  But she already knew!  How, you ask?  Pregnancy telepathy!  Yep.  She's pregnant.  He's the father and that's what she's going to tell everyone: that she's pregnant with the bastard child of her own brother.

I obviously have a lot of questions but I can't tell if I even care anymore.

... Yep.  I do.
What happened to her belief in the prophecy?  I know they broke it for her black haired Baratheon babe but is this it being broken again?  Does she even care about it anymore?  Is the valonqar even a thing in the show?  Are they trying to seed some sort of conflict between the two of them?  By having them embrace in the knowledge that they're going to be parents again?  What's her plan with Euron?  Is he supposed to just be okay with this?

Meanwhile, over in Fleabottom, we get a ridiculous amount of fan service that is so disappointing I can't even fathom it.  Yep.  It's the moment we've all known has been coming all season.  Gendry's back.  He's working as a blacksmith for the Lannister army.

UGHHH
No.  What?  This was the best place for him?!
No...  Probs not mate.  He's been handcrafting a war hammer, with the Baratheon stag on it, whilst working for the Lannisters.  And he hasn't got caught.
Okay.  Well, to reiterate: no...
But, even if he had managed to go without being caught for this long, what's with the sudden Baratheon obsession?  He didn't know his dad.  He had no relationship with him.  His association with the Baratheon name has brought him nothing but horrific events.  Why would he have a connection with him?  Why would he model himself after the dad he never knew?

We don't get the answers to any of these questions because there is apparently no time - after Davos makes a quick, 'ooh thought you'd still be rowing' *wink wink* (ARRGGGHH OMG I HATE THIS SHOW) joke to the audience, it's time they were getting back to the boat.  Back on the beach, Davos bribes some Gold Cloaks with a ridiculous amount of gold dragons and then shows that they're innocent because they have fermented crab.

Remember disguises?

That all worked really well until the guards see Tyrion just wandering out from the steps they never venture down because apparently Tyrion can't hide or wear a hood anymore or anything.   He's literally the most wanted man in Westeros but who cares about hiding anymore, right?
Gendry bashes their skulls in with the hammer and we all scream YAAAAAAS GENDRY GET IT or maybe just shake our heads in despair.

Then they're back in Dragonstone and Davos tells Gendry to keep quiet about who he is but SURPRISE HE TELLS JON SO THEY CAN BE BEST FRIENDS

I understand what they're going for here and, despite myself, I do feel some things because all I want is Ned and Robert and season one back.

These feelings swiftly disappear when they make clunky references to the scene pictured to the left.  I just wish the writers would let us make links ourselves and not have to spell everything out for us.  It's painful.  Sigh.  By the time all of these horrifically heavy-handed throwbacks are done, Gendry has agreed to go Beyond the Wall with Jon and Jorah.


There's a fun awkward goodbye, when Jorah proves he definitely doesn't have greyscale by snogging Dany's hand (this is genuinely the FOURTH time they've said goodbye), and then they really, really try and ramp up the sexual tension between Jon and Dany but it's all just forced and... meh.  I don't feel it.  Beyond disappointing.

Sam overhears the maesters reading Bran's letter in The Citadel and decides to weigh in because of course Sam can talk to his superiors like this.  He tries to persuade them to take the threat seriously but they're having none of it.  Cut to: wherever Sam and Gilly live and Gilly is reading random facts to him to try and cheer him up (more steps talk?) and she just happens to drop a bombshell.

Let me get this straight:  an annulment was issued to Prince Rhaegar Targaryen so he could get married him to somebody else.  An annulment.  After they've been married for years.  And have legitimate heirs to the throne (so, you know, it's been consummated).  This is not how annulments work.  In any world.
Again -- show watchers, is this not the most boring bit of backstory ever?  Why would you care?  DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO RHAEGAR IS?
I know I was moaning about them not seeding Jon's backstory but do they think this helps?  Who would catch this except bookreaders?  This is ridiculous.

In case you are confused:
Gendry could claim he is the rightful heir to the throne as he is the last surviving son of King Robert Baratheon, who usurped the throne from Aerys Targaryen.
Dany could claim she's the rightful heir to the throne as she is the last surviving daughter of the Mad King Aerys Targaryen.
Jon could claim he is the rightful heir to the throne as he is the last surving son of Prince Rhaegar Targaryen (boys > girls in the futile system).

And now, omg, they're all in the same place omgggg what such writing many skills very coincedence

Whatever, Sam ignores this and goes and steals a few scrolls/books that he suddenly knows are the important ones.  He takes these, along with Baby Sam That Is Still Inexplicably A Baby and Gilly and legs it.  We're not sure where to.  Or why.  But off he pops.

Ugh, back in Winterfell, Sansa is having the Northern Lords complain to her about the lack of Jon.  Why?  You knew where he was going, promised to remain loyal...  As much as I hate Show Sansa atm, she did handle this in the right way.  She wasn't overly supportive of him, no, but she did her job of leading Winterfell and keeping the peace.  And then, just as I was complimenting Sansa, she winds me right up by saying that they can't sit and wait for Jon forever.  Like Ghost.  Oh Sansa.  Oh, don't even.
Why are the writers going so weird and meta this season?  Is it explicitly to upset me?  I feel more and more personally victimised with every episode.

Arya be like

Arya, meanwhile, is weird and creepy and staring at Sansa and decides that they should just behead everyone -- what?  Does this make sense?  At all?
Anyway, she sneakily sneaks to follow sneaky Littlefinger and sneakily sees that he's being sneaky.  He, however, out-sneaks her and plants a letter that Sansa wrote whilst being held hostage by Cersei.  Very sneaky Littlefinger, well done on the sneaks.  You were much sneakier than sneaky Arya who literally just stood out in the open, staring at you and hoping you wouldn't turn around.
Gah, just kill him already.  This is worse than Olly.

I was about to say thank God it's nearly over but bleurgh we have to go to Eastwatch first.
Jon, Jorah and Gendry go meet up with Tormund, who is confused about which queen they support now and why Jon keeps putting all the expendable wildlings in harm's way.  Then, they go down to the cells and they're storing some more fan service in there: The Hound, Beric and Thoros.  Gendry helpfully reminds the audience that he hates the Brotherhood because they sold him to Mel.  They all put their pasts aside, though, and walk out into the snow as one big happy family.

Show fans after today's episode

And, just like that, it's over.
Anyone else feel like SO MUCH is happening and yet nothing is really happening at all?


High Points:

• Erm
• Maybe
• The bit where I pretended it was Season One?
• Lena Headey just constantly smashing everything

Low Points:

• Lack of thorough explanation of R+L=J
• Random unnecessary storylines: Jorah's greyscale, Heartsbane being stolen, Cersei's prophecy
• Meta moments: Davos' rowing comment, Sansa's mention of Ghost
• The fact it's now The Tyrion Show ft. Dragons

Summative Comment:

Follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness @noneedtomoan

And, if you would like to hear a more balanced recap of the episodes or just hear me argue with my friends, who like Game of Thrones, just a reminder to go and listen to our new podcast, She, Herself and Guy.  Our recap on will be out by Friday night.

Stay strong, guys.  We can do this.