Season Seven, Episode Five - Eastwatch

Hi there all.  Here we are again.  My recaps and reviews for the rest of season seven are here: E1, E2 , E3 and E4 and the podcast I make with my two friends that is currently covering Game of Thrones is here.

But, hey.  More importantly, it's that time again.

Mood.  Always.

Sigh.
I've officially given up.  I'm no longer setting my alarm and getting up at 01:45 to make sure I catch the new episode.  I get up, like normal, and half-watch the episode whilst getting ready.
This may not seem like a big deal to you but, honestly, as someone who has been obsessed with A Song of Ice and Fire for years now, it hurts a little to completely abandon any hope I once had for this TV show to do the books justice.
Well, no.  That's not true.  I lost hope in that a while ago.
Since season five, my only wish has been for the show to be good.  To entertain me.  For the writing to be crafted and thought-through.  For it to be logical.  Tolerable.

"There are a few provisos and a couple of quid pro quos... 

Tyrion will be great, always, time and distance mean nothing now and Dorne? Hahahahahaa

... The more episodes we get, the more I realise this wish is never going to be granted.

Anyway, not to worry.  I'll just find some GIFs to try and keep me calm and cry myself to sleep at night.  What a plan.

Okay then.  Episode Five.  Strap yourselves in; this got weird.

We start back in... The Reach.
You know me, right?  I'm not one to nitpick.  However, let's pretend for one moment that I believe a few things: that the water Bronn pushed Jaime into was actually that deep, despite it being shallow enough for him to ride his horse through mere moments ago, that Jaime's heavy armour didn't weigh him down and make him impossible to pull very far at all and also that Jaime has a hand literally made out of gold...
How did Bronn and Jaime both hold their breaths for this long?  Because, let's be honest, they've made it a fair old way downstream before we see them taking what is presumably their first deep breath after struggling underwater all this time.  It was a huge, gasping breath and Jaime actually throws up some water, so one has to assume that this is them only just resurfacing.  This added to the fact that Dany and her people haven't caught them, implying they must have got pretty far away, is just insanity.
So, according to season seven, when in battle, the best thing to do is just jump into the nearest body of water.  Your enemies will just assume you're dead apparently and not even try to retrieve you.  First Theon, now Jaime and Bronn.

Anyway, they get out of the water and Jaime tells Bronn that they need to be concerned about the dragons.  Bronn is all, "nuh uh, dragons were not part of our deal," which I totally buy as something a sellsword who's changed sides depending on who's paying.  I don't buy it for the hero who ran through fire to get to a crossbow to save a family name he has no connection to and who jumped into a pool of water of unspecified depth to save a man he just lost all his gold for.
I don't get Bronn any more.  Is he in love with Jaime?  I mean, it'd explain a lot.

Presumably just around the corner, Dany and the Dothraki are rounding up the survivors from the battle (not Jaime Lannister though, he's probably dead don't worry about him) to threaten them with death whilst lecturing them about how their current queen will start wars and murder the innocent and also did you know both pots and kettles are black?

VERY WELL.  GIVE THEM CAKE.

I mean, if that wasn't motivation enough, Dany offers them "a choice" (according to Benioff and Weiss in the Inside the Episode): bend the knee or die.  I can't even get into how this is not a choice.  Anything 'or death' is not a choice.
But, more importantly, are we supposed to like Dany here?  Or, like Tyrion, be concerned for her?  Is this use of 'Dracarys' scary and ominous but her other times we're meant to be screaming 'YAAAAS QWEEEN'?  Help am confused.

Anyway, not so surprisingly, most of the soldiers choose life and bend the knee to Dany rather than facing painful death by being burned alive.  However, tough men Tarly Boiz remain standing because... Well honestly no one knows.
Tarly is stubborn, sure, but he did just recently abandon the Tarlys' age hold allegiance with the Tyrells to side with the Lannisters but that new loyalty apparently runs real deep.  He goes all Brexit again and tells Dany he can't bend the knee to her because she's not from round these parts, basically.
She wasn't "born in Westeros" (*cough* we were literally told last week that she was born at Dragonstone *cough*) so how can he trust her?
Then Dickon gets awkward and is like, but he stood up so now I kind of have to stay stood up...  His dad tells him to kneel but he refuses and, yeah, Dany kills them.  (I guess we'll never know how he felt about Sam stealing the ancestral sword, huh?  Another random story popped in there for no reason.)
Tyrion is obviously seriously peturbed by all of this burning malarkey and wants her to offer the Night's Watch or any other type alternative because his moral compass always points due North -

#neverforget

Right, in all seriousness, the writers' aim on this show has always been to show Tyrion in a favourable light, and that's fine; he's obviously their favourite character, they're perfectly entitled to change the show to fit around him BUT they do seem to be obsessed with making every storyline revolve around him.  This is Dany's plotline, right?  HER fight to become Queen of the Seven Kingdoms?  Then why, in every important scene we've had of her, is Tyrion the focus?
When we first get a proper scene of Dany at Dragonstone, we get Tyrion and Varys explaining to her that she was born in a storm.  When it comes time for her to reveal her big plans for attack, it turns out Tyrion has made all the decisions and it's him explaining the tactics at every given opportunity (including a hugely unnecessary voiceover describing the entire battle).  When she was about to die at the hands of Jaime, we get an emotional close up of Tyrion, calling him an idiot.  When she's making stupid violent powerful political decisions in The Reach, we get close ups of Tyrion's moral struggle to accept her choice.  Not to mention all the times she's looked to Tyrion for permission before making big decisions.

I'm honestly bored of the Tyrion Too Pure For This World But Also Very Smart And Great At Plans act now and I'd just like to see the main characters of each plotline be back in charge of their own stories.  Please.

Sorry.  Back to the episode.  Dany leaves Tyrion to probably just walk back or maybe just ride in the lap of Dothraki (I'm imagining there's no blacksmith at Dragonstone to make his special equipment to help him ride a horse?) and flies Drogon back home.  She bumps into Jon and OMG HE TOUCHES HIS FACE WHAAAAAT
We get an amazing, emotion-filled close up of Dany as she realises her beau, her betrothed, her lover, her nephew Jon is super into dragons too:

Tbh I've just been waiting to be able to use this GIF <3

On a serious note, dear show watchers - do you know what significance this has?  Do you know who Jon is?  Or why that's important?  I'm not trying to be patronising, I swear; I am genuinely intrigued if this has been conveyed effectively.  I can't help but feel that this has been hugely underexplained.  It's this HUGE spoiler and yet, since they showed some baby's face fading into Jon's, nothing's been said about it.  Lots of clunky references to him not being a Stark and actually being a Targaryen but the relationship just ignored and confusing.
Sigh.  All the backstory we get that is so unnecessary and yet this is just avoided.

Speaking of unnecessary, remember when Jorah got greyscale?
Was there a point to that?  What was gained?  What did this do to the plot of the show?  Was there anything that happened because of this storyline or was it just another pointless addition?  Sam could have done a multitude of things to get himself in trouble.  Jorah could've been sent off on some other stupid meaningless task.
Gah.  I mean, he didn't even find a cure; he happened upon an acolyte willing to risk his place at the Citadel to peel the bad stuff off (because greyscale is cured by just taking off the top layer of skin).

Anyway, Jorah is back now.
The Dothraki escort him in.  Because the Dothraki are back.  An entire hoarde has managed to march from the Reach and sail across to Dragonstone in the same amount of time it's taken Dany to ride Drogon there.  Uh huh.  Seems legit.

But yeah lol he's still friendzoned because that's the most important facet of their relationship.

Omg I haven't even done Winterfell yet and I'm already so mad.
So, by the weirwood tree, Bran is using a flock of ravens (why so many, Bran?  Just use one three eyed one bbz) to have a nosey beyond the Wall (remember there?  There's a shit tonne of White Walkers walking in slow motion towards Westeros over there).  Anyway, it turns out that there's a shit tonne of White Walkers walking towards Westeros over there and we're all like

And Bran decides it's time to send some ravens.  So he just wargs into some ravens again and sends them to the various locations he needs the news to travel tells his maester to write out the messages.

Cut back to Dragonstone, where Tyrion and Varys are discussing how Dany would be an amazing queen if she just stopped making decisions and let them control every aspect of her rule. #feminism
Anyway, the maester's super time travelling raven has reached already and Varys tells Tyrion he hasn't read it because it's just for the eyes of Jon but it says about the White Walkers if you must know.  Hahhahaahahahahahah he said he didn't read it but he did #comedy
They hand this over to Jon, who discusses it with Dany and wants to go fight.  She won't give him permission to leave so there may be some conflict here--

Oh no, it's okay Tyrion has a plan.  Again.  Rehash what has already been done with Alliser Thorne and the wight's hand Go and capture one White Walker and bring it back 'alive' to show to Cersei.  Then, they can all band together and fight the common enemy.
Wow, Tyrion is bad at plans.

Of course we're back in King's Landing again because it's been far too long since we saw Cersei.  She won't believe that they're losing, nor will she take an elderly woman's deathbed confession to her son's murder.  Fair.

King's Landing got me like

Anyway, because what even is logic anymore, Davos and Tyrion are landing outside the Red Keep.  In broad daylight.  Davos tells him not to worry about being spotted; the Gold Cloaks don't come down here anymore because there's too many steps... K.

They split up, with Tyrion going to the skull room to meet with Jaime.  Bronn has apparently set this up, convincing Jaime that he's actually just going training.

Okay.  What?
How much time has passed between Tyrion coming up with this plan and him managing to co-ordinate this with Bronn?  HOW did he organise this with Bronn?  Secret mobile phones?  Landlines?  Fax machines?  Pagers?  How would he get a raven directly to a sellsword who hangs out with Jaime without it going through Qyburn?  WHAT THE FUCK?

Regardless of the implausibility of this entire scene, Jaime is obviously upset with Tyrion and has no time for his 'wah, wah, my dad hated me' thing.  Neither do I, Jaime.  I hear you.
WHAT WAS THE POINT IN THIS SCENE?

Jaime goes to tell Cersei everything that happened right away because they're so in love and tell each other everything.  But she already knew!  How, you ask?  Pregnancy telepathy!  Yep.  She's pregnant.  He's the father and that's what she's going to tell everyone: that she's pregnant with the bastard child of her own brother.

I obviously have a lot of questions but I can't tell if I even care anymore.

... Yep.  I do.
What happened to her belief in the prophecy?  I know they broke it for her black haired Baratheon babe but is this it being broken again?  Does she even care about it anymore?  Is the valonqar even a thing in the show?  Are they trying to seed some sort of conflict between the two of them?  By having them embrace in the knowledge that they're going to be parents again?  What's her plan with Euron?  Is he supposed to just be okay with this?

Meanwhile, over in Fleabottom, we get a ridiculous amount of fan service that is so disappointing I can't even fathom it.  Yep.  It's the moment we've all known has been coming all season.  Gendry's back.  He's working as a blacksmith for the Lannister army.

UGHHH
No.  What?  This was the best place for him?!
No...  Probs not mate.  He's been handcrafting a war hammer, with the Baratheon stag on it, whilst working for the Lannisters.  And he hasn't got caught.
Okay.  Well, to reiterate: no...
But, even if he had managed to go without being caught for this long, what's with the sudden Baratheon obsession?  He didn't know his dad.  He had no relationship with him.  His association with the Baratheon name has brought him nothing but horrific events.  Why would he have a connection with him?  Why would he model himself after the dad he never knew?

We don't get the answers to any of these questions because there is apparently no time - after Davos makes a quick, 'ooh thought you'd still be rowing' *wink wink* (ARRGGGHH OMG I HATE THIS SHOW) joke to the audience, it's time they were getting back to the boat.  Back on the beach, Davos bribes some Gold Cloaks with a ridiculous amount of gold dragons and then shows that they're innocent because they have fermented crab.

Remember disguises?

That all worked really well until the guards see Tyrion just wandering out from the steps they never venture down because apparently Tyrion can't hide or wear a hood anymore or anything.   He's literally the most wanted man in Westeros but who cares about hiding anymore, right?
Gendry bashes their skulls in with the hammer and we all scream YAAAAAAS GENDRY GET IT or maybe just shake our heads in despair.

Then they're back in Dragonstone and Davos tells Gendry to keep quiet about who he is but SURPRISE HE TELLS JON SO THEY CAN BE BEST FRIENDS

I understand what they're going for here and, despite myself, I do feel some things because all I want is Ned and Robert and season one back.

These feelings swiftly disappear when they make clunky references to the scene pictured to the left.  I just wish the writers would let us make links ourselves and not have to spell everything out for us.  It's painful.  Sigh.  By the time all of these horrifically heavy-handed throwbacks are done, Gendry has agreed to go Beyond the Wall with Jon and Jorah.


There's a fun awkward goodbye, when Jorah proves he definitely doesn't have greyscale by snogging Dany's hand (this is genuinely the FOURTH time they've said goodbye), and then they really, really try and ramp up the sexual tension between Jon and Dany but it's all just forced and... meh.  I don't feel it.  Beyond disappointing.

Sam overhears the maesters reading Bran's letter in The Citadel and decides to weigh in because of course Sam can talk to his superiors like this.  He tries to persuade them to take the threat seriously but they're having none of it.  Cut to: wherever Sam and Gilly live and Gilly is reading random facts to him to try and cheer him up (more steps talk?) and she just happens to drop a bombshell.

Let me get this straight:  an annulment was issued to Prince Rhaegar Targaryen so he could get married him to somebody else.  An annulment.  After they've been married for years.  And have legitimate heirs to the throne (so, you know, it's been consummated).  This is not how annulments work.  In any world.
Again -- show watchers, is this not the most boring bit of backstory ever?  Why would you care?  DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO RHAEGAR IS?
I know I was moaning about them not seeding Jon's backstory but do they think this helps?  Who would catch this except bookreaders?  This is ridiculous.

In case you are confused:
Gendry could claim he is the rightful heir to the throne as he is the last surviving son of King Robert Baratheon, who usurped the throne from Aerys Targaryen.
Dany could claim she's the rightful heir to the throne as she is the last surviving daughter of the Mad King Aerys Targaryen.
Jon could claim he is the rightful heir to the throne as he is the last surving son of Prince Rhaegar Targaryen (boys > girls in the futile system).

And now, omg, they're all in the same place omgggg what such writing many skills very coincedence

Whatever, Sam ignores this and goes and steals a few scrolls/books that he suddenly knows are the important ones.  He takes these, along with Baby Sam That Is Still Inexplicably A Baby and Gilly and legs it.  We're not sure where to.  Or why.  But off he pops.

Ugh, back in Winterfell, Sansa is having the Northern Lords complain to her about the lack of Jon.  Why?  You knew where he was going, promised to remain loyal...  As much as I hate Show Sansa atm, she did handle this in the right way.  She wasn't overly supportive of him, no, but she did her job of leading Winterfell and keeping the peace.  And then, just as I was complimenting Sansa, she winds me right up by saying that they can't sit and wait for Jon forever.  Like Ghost.  Oh Sansa.  Oh, don't even.
Why are the writers going so weird and meta this season?  Is it explicitly to upset me?  I feel more and more personally victimised with every episode.

Arya be like

Arya, meanwhile, is weird and creepy and staring at Sansa and decides that they should just behead everyone -- what?  Does this make sense?  At all?
Anyway, she sneakily sneaks to follow sneaky Littlefinger and sneakily sees that he's being sneaky.  He, however, out-sneaks her and plants a letter that Sansa wrote whilst being held hostage by Cersei.  Very sneaky Littlefinger, well done on the sneaks.  You were much sneakier than sneaky Arya who literally just stood out in the open, staring at you and hoping you wouldn't turn around.
Gah, just kill him already.  This is worse than Olly.

I was about to say thank God it's nearly over but bleurgh we have to go to Eastwatch first.
Jon, Jorah and Gendry go meet up with Tormund, who is confused about which queen they support now and why Jon keeps putting all the expendable wildlings in harm's way.  Then, they go down to the cells and they're storing some more fan service in there: The Hound, Beric and Thoros.  Gendry helpfully reminds the audience that he hates the Brotherhood because they sold him to Mel.  They all put their pasts aside, though, and walk out into the snow as one big happy family.

Show fans after today's episode

And, just like that, it's over.
Anyone else feel like SO MUCH is happening and yet nothing is really happening at all?


High Points:

• Erm
• Maybe
• The bit where I pretended it was Season One?
• Lena Headey just constantly smashing everything

Low Points:

• Lack of thorough explanation of R+L=J
• Random unnecessary storylines: Jorah's greyscale, Heartsbane being stolen, Cersei's prophecy
• Meta moments: Davos' rowing comment, Sansa's mention of Ghost
• The fact it's now The Tyrion Show ft. Dragons

Summative Comment:

Follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness @noneedtomoan

And, if you would like to hear a more balanced recap of the episodes or just hear me argue with my friends, who like Game of Thrones, just a reminder to go and listen to our new podcast, She, Herself and Guy.  Our recap on will be out by Friday night.

Stay strong, guys.  We can do this.

Season Seven, Episode Four - The Spoils of War

Hi there gang.  Another week, another review and another few hours spent wondering why I continue to do this to myself.

Actual footage of me, post episode

My recaps and reviews for the rest of season seven are here: E1, E2  and E3 and the podcast I make with my two friends that is currently covering Game of Thrones is here.

Go catch up on those and then come back so we can get started on the action-packed 47 minute long thrill ride that was Episode Four!

This week, I'm going to try something a little different and recap and review by geographical location, rather than in the order events were shown in the episode (I know this isn't interesting to anyone else but I just had to point it out before I started ok sorry).  Oh, also, remember when I said I wasn't going to talk about the timeline anymore?  Yeah, no, sorry, I'm going to have to do that.  I just have to.

Right.  Let's start with The Reach.

Bleurgh.

No.  Not ready yet.  Sorry.

Let's try Winterfell instead, where Creepy Littlefinger isn't convinced he's been creepy enough yet so has moved on from Sansa to 'Brandon' (such an unnecessary use of his full name).  

He gifts him the dagger that was used to try and kill him (cute present, bbz thnx) way back in Season One (aka the writers' favourite season of all time apparently).  Luckily, we weren't too surprised by this because Game of Thrones has been back to its old tricks of #FORESHADOWING anything that's about to happen so that we can all see it coming for miles.  In case you missed it, it was on the page Sam lingered on for no reason two episodes ago.

Apparently Bran's plan in a nutshell

Bran asks Littlefinger if he knows who it belongs to, then shows off that he remembers his "chaos is a laddahh" quote from S3 (sadly sans Irish accent).

So: Bran can remember Littlefinger moments he wasn't present for, but can't find out who owned the knife?  Or he can find out but doesn't want Littlefinger to know he can?  But, he just showed off his awesome omniscience a second later?

So: he wants Littlefinger to know that he DOES know some stuff but also that he DOESN'T know about the origin of the knife?  Or, he knows everything but Littlefinger doesn't know this and Bran wants to keep it this way?

I'm overcomplicating things, right?  

The truth is that the writers wanted Bran to put Littlefinger on edge by him knowing the laddah quote but that they also wanted to keep the mystery of the knife (they may or may not ever actually answer this question; it's kind of their MO, although they did show us Nymeria last week and, if the leaks stay accurate, Gendry should be making an appearance next week so who knows?) and I'm just meant to be okay with this.  I'm not.  Shock horror.

Luckily, Meera decides to bob in to see Robot Bran and so we never get to the bottom of wtf Bran does and doesn't know.  

Omg how dark is this season

Bran tells her she's leaving, then he's all "bleep blorp, thanks" (because he's a robot, geddit?) and she's sad about it, just because her brother and huge fun sidekick friend and cool wolf died on the journey and the family name 'Reed' apparently means nothing to this show.  Lol chill out Meera.

He tells her, "I remember what it was like to be Brandon Stark. But I remember so much else now," and I seriously can't get past two mentions of Brandon so close to one another.  I mean, I know it's his name, but hasn't he mostly been Bran?  So formal now he's emotionless.  Anyway, she leaves forever (a leaked version of the script read, 'she walks out of the scene, out of his life and out of the show').  Nice one.  Bye, Meera.  Thank you for being a friend.

Meanwhile, did you know that the gates of Winterfell are as heavily guarded against unattended little girls as the Red Keep was in Season 1?

Are they capable of writing an original scene anymore?

Just for context:  the Red Keep is the Royal stronghold.  The King and Queen are in there, of course they'll ask questions to whomever decides to rock up unannounced.  Generally, commoners tend to be allowed in Winterfell.

BUT, for argument's sake, let's say that, because Jon is a King, they've stepped up security.  Cool.  Now it's convenient, we're just going to pretend that this society isn't dictated by inherently patriarchal beliefs and traditions?  An unattended little girl would be allowed into Winterfell.  She shouldn't need to state who she is.

BUT, for argument's sake, let's say, yeah, fuck it, #feminism, girls aren't allowed in either.  This girl is claiming to be Arya Stark.  "But everyone thinks Arya's dead; they're right to turn her away," you cry, probably, if you cared.  Last episode, Bran(don) Stark wheeled into Winterfell after everyone seeing what they thought was his charred corpse.  Might be worth letting her in a sec and just investigating further, especially seeing as there is no story of Arya's death; it's just presumed she's died as she's been missing for so long.  

My drunk notes on this scene
#SangriaSundays

Anyway, they swear at her a bit and then agree to let her in to see Sansa (or, as Maisie likes to say, "Soorrnsa") but OMG I ONLY LOOKED AWAY FOR LIKE A SECOND and she disappears.

Luckily, Sansa, in complete contradiction to her guards, is not surprised that Arya is alive at all and knows just where to find her: the crypt!  Once inside, idk, there's some awkward small talk about how they're both alive and Sansa suits being Lady of Winterfell and they hug and Arya tells Sansa about her kill list and, for the second time in Season Seven, everyone laughs about how Arya loves to kill people thinks Arya is joking and... Bleurgh.

I found this entire bit rather cold and lacking.  Even Arya's return to Winterfell was a disappointment.  A quick look around the courtyard and an old ratty banner, that's it?  No building crescendo of emotional music?  No grand, cinematic panning of the gates as she enters and sees her home again for the first time since leaving it with her father?

Was this just me?  Am I asking too much?

Oh, also, Sansa wishes she'd poisoned Joffrey.  I mean, now she's killed one horrific husband for revenge, why wouldn't she have a murderous streak?

Make it stop.  Make the character assassination stop.

OMG BUT THERE'S MORE NEWS:  BRAN IS HERE TOO YAAYYYYY

Oh yeah shit he's a horrible robot person who brings up tragic events and secrets and ruins everything

Bran's job description for season seven

He tells Arya he saw her at the crossroads and grasses her up because her list was REAL, Sansa, and not a joke but it's okay because Sansa finds it adorable that her little sister is a murderer and just smirks it off hehe how cool.  

Not to be put off by this lack of drama, Bran gives Arya the dagger from Littlefinger and Sansa is all 'OMG WHAT' and we're all 'okay yeah that makes sense, she'll use it for something interesting I'm sure'.

(Can I add a big ole #FORESHADOWING here please?)

He also reminds everyone that he's a cripple, which is nice of him.  Seriously though guys, that dagger is no use to a cripple, presumably because it's one of those Valyrian steel foot daggers I keep hearing about.

HEY BRAN TELL YOUR SISTERS SOME USEFUL INFORMATION OR SHUT UP ABOUT KNOWING SHIT

Sidenote

Hey, Game of Thrones staffers...

Fun fact: A lot of Game of Thrones fans were not surprised that Arya ended up with the dagger - she was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly a few months ago to promote the new season and they actually had her wear this dagger as part of her costume.  According to this week's recap, "no, it totally wasn’t supposed to be there. GoT insiders hoped fans wouldn’t notice this spoiler hiding in plain sight on the cover of our magazine".  Sigh.

Then, Brienne and Pod are STILL sparring and Pod is STILL useless and then Arya turns up and challenges Brienne with her very real sword, Needle, and newly acquired also very real and also not a sparring weapon used for practice.

Okay, real talk, when did Arya get this good at swordfighting?  Are we to believe that being beaten with a stick by some waif bitch who gets off hating you makes you mint at swordplay?  Is this a result of her one or two water dancing lessons from Syrio?

I CALL BULLSHIT

Brienne is far too highly trained (and also, rather disturbingly, taking this far too seriously - she's a child, Brienne) for Arya to beat her like this.

There are some weird looks from Sansa to Arya during this scene, which I think are meant to be intrigue and maybe even pride but honestly just come across as fear and jealousy to me.  Also, Sansa is apparently still using Littlefinger as an advisor and is happy being alone with him, discussing business, despite obviously being wary of him, having just gotten the news that he's giving old daggers out to people for no reason and is being very suspicious and creepy.

What is with Sansa's relationship with Littlefinger this season?

She hated him last season, because he effectively gave her away to a rapist, but then learned that she could use him and 'his' army (#whereisRobin?) to her advantage.  Okay.  Maybe I can understand that.  She has made it very clear, however, that she doesn't trust him at all this season (this episode!) and so, in reality, she should want him gone, right?

Hmm.

Let's think about how she could get rid of him, then.

All of the Vale and Northern Lords have declared for Jon; they're on the Stark's side!  If only she had some information about this creepy and weird little Irish man that keeps following her around that could get him in trouble...

Pretty sure murdering the Lady of the Vale is enough to get him in hot water with the Vale Lords, right?  Or Robin, whose MUM he murdered?

Sansa and Littlefinger is gross and weird and is being made out to be a difficult situation when all Sansa needs to do is tell the truth and his power will be gone.  In fact, he'd most likely be executed, right?  You're telling me Robin won't want to make him fly?

Omg.  When you miss Robin, you know things are bad.

Okay, shall we-

NOPE. NOT READY. CAN'T.
LET'S SAVE IT FOR LAST

King's Landing, anyone?  For a completely unnecessary scene that wastes time but adds nothing?  We couldn't possibly have an episode without Cersei, though, obviously.  So, what happens?  Other than NOTHING, basically Cersei has already got word that the gold from Highgarden is on its way home (more magical ravens) and is acting like she's won the war already.  The gold they'll be getting will be more than enough to pay off the Iron Bank so obviously Mycroft, who has waited since before Season One for his money to be repaid, is more than happy to loan more.
Oh, and Cersei drops in a quick mention of the Golden Company.  #FORESHADOWING

Oh no I'm genuinely going to have to talk about Jaime, aren't I?

First, Dragonstone!

I mean, I think there's dragonglass but I can't see shit

Jon and Dany go look at the dragonglass before they start mining it, because there's no need to rush.  Also, some kids drew on the walls in there about the scary white walkers... That they created...  I'm already confused and I know it'll never be explained so let's just move on.

I feel like this scene is meant to be fraught with sexual tension (especially given the lines they give Davos later about feelings and stuff) but, honestly, Emilia Clarke just stares and hopes for the best (also my flirting technique, would not recommend).

Anyway, she tells him to bend the knee AGAIN and promises to help him fight those scary men from the scrawlings if he does.

Then, Tyrion and Varys break the news that, for plot reasons, she's losing now.  She blames Tyrion a bit but, before it's fully explained how his plan was utter garbage and made no sense, Davos and Jon try to excuse themselves.  Dany instead asks for Jon's opinion and is told that the people believe in her because she's not just melting down castles and she's not cruel (just planned to starve a load of commonfolk, but whatever).  She ponders this as the scene ends.

There's some more Davos smalltalk and apparently Missandei doesn't know what a bastard is OKAY THEN LET'S PRETEND I'M OKAY WITH ALL OF THIS AND MOVE ON because, what's this?  A Greyjoy ship?  But who-

It's Theon.  Theon is who it is.

Look how strong he is, too!  Even after years (?) of living as Reek, with barely any food and no light and having his skin flayed constantly and fingers and toes and penises removed.  He's doing so well.

Anyway, Theon and his Unpaid Greyjoy Extras have come to ask for help rescuing Yara but OH NO.  Jon doesn't like him, remember?  He threatens him a bit and then tells him he'll let him off because he saved Sansa.  I say this every week but Alfie Allen is still killin it with what he's given.  Hero.

Jon also tells Theon that Dany isn't here.  I WONDER WHERE SHE IS

Maybe she's near The Reach.

Right.  Okay.
I've made it clear that this will be a struggle.

Bronn in his true form #neverforget

To make life easier, let's break it down into easy sections:
1)  We got the loot but where's Bronn's cut?
2)  How does Bronn feel about the Tarlys?
3)  Oh shit what's that Bronn heard?
4)  Omg how is Bronn doing in this battle?
5)  Will Bronn save the day or nah?
Bonus section:  How does Tyrion feel during all of this?


1)  We got the loot but where's Bronn's cut?
Given that he's just sacked Highgarden and killed an old lady, Jaime is in surprisingly low spirits.  Bronn tries to cheer him up by reminding him that he's owed stuff he hasn't got yet.  Jaime stops a cart filled with gold to pay Bronn, but it's not enough.  Quips and sassy retorts abound and we all have a lovely time.

2)  How does Bronn feel about the Tarlys?
Randall and Dickon tell the boiz that the majority of the Highgarden gold (probably enough to pay off the Iron Bank debt) has crossed into King's Landing because apparently that's how marches work: the majority of the army stays behind, near enough to Highgarden that you can see it in the background and... some people... take the money and run really really really far ahead, all the way to King's Landing.  Such a good plan.  Randall wants to flog the men who are behind, Jaime says no.  Dickon, who honestly looks about 30, has apparently never seen battle before (lol ok then) so our hero Bronn kindly tells him he's an idiot - everyone shits themselves COME ON DICKON

3)  Oh shit what's that Bronn heard?
Bronn thankfully has amazing hearing because, despite their army being spread out between Highgarden and King's Landing (where the Dothraki will have had to ride by), there are no scouts and no one has seen the huge hoarde of charging men heading their way.

Right, timeout from the annoying Bronn stuff for a second.
Jaime's men are on foot?  HOW, and I mean HOW THE FUCK, have they travelled to Casterly Rock (the Inside the Episode last week told us that he went there first, to pick up men and to empty all the food so the Unsullied would be trapped inside), then to Highgarden, then halfway across the Reach in less than two weeks?*
*it has to be less than two weeks because Cersei promised Mycroft he'd have his money by then
Equally, how has Dany, who we only just saw getting word of the taking of Highgarden, managed to ship her Dothraki onto the mainland, then marched this far?  Even if it were possible, how have they not been seen?

What is happening with the timeline?
Showfans, tell me all you want that it's fiction and time shouldn't matter this much etc but I tell you what, it matters when the writers need it to.  When Stannis doesn't have TIME to get to Winterfell before the Winter (remember Winter, too?), it mattered.  If time wasn't a concern in this universe (like it isn't now), Stannis could be King.  Stannis should be King.

...I miss Stannis so much.

Anyway,
4)  Omg how is Bronn doing in this battle?
So Bronn and some other guy get the men to line up with their shields and spears but no helmets and prepare for ambush.

#stillbetterCGI

Dany, with no armour, rides in and starts burning the shit out of everyone and everything (including all the food that's been stolen from the farmers) but -- thank god -- not Bronn or Jaime.
After a little while of watching their men burn, Jaime remembers the 'Scorpion' (did we know it was called that?  If they packed this on their trip, were they expecting dragons?  If so, why are they not more prepared?  Or at least a little less surprised when a dragon arrives?) but can't use it with his one hand so asks our Bronn to do it instead.
The camera then follows who is obviously the most important person in this scene show for one long shot as he runs through battle to try and get to Qyburn's invention.  Omg!  He drops his gold but just leaves it there.  He's so loyal and is really developing as a character.  He deserves it.
A Dothraki guy cuts the leg(s?) off his horse but -- thank god -  he gets away and reaches the the weapon.  He wastes a shot on this Dothraki that is SO OBSESSED WITH HIM and then aims at Drogon, getting him in the wing.  It seems to hurt him at first but then actually he's fine don't worry.  He blasts fire at Bronn but -- thank god -- he jumps out of the way in time.


Then some stuff happens without Bronn that is obviously boring but I'll give you a quick recap:
Dany is trying to get the spear out of Drogon and has no one around to protect her.  Jaime, after -- thank god -- managing to fight off all of the Dothraki, despite only having his left hand which has famously been making him quite bad at combat, decides now is the perfect time to charge at the dragon.  We get to see our bonus:














Bonus: How does Tyrion feel during all of this?
I MEAN OF COURSE WE GET A TYRION REACTION SHOT
Why is he here?  What possible reason could someone give for the Queen's Hand to be at this battle if he's not fighting?  Has he ridden here?  Using his specially adapted saddle equipment that someone's had made for him at the deserted Dragonstone?  WHY?  FOR WHAT PURPOSE?
The only reason he's there is the only reason we see so much Bronn in this sequence: pandering to the fans.
I.  Hate.  This.  Show.

5)  Will Bronn save the day or nah?
I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer.
I'm not even going to broach how the shoreline goes from shallow enough to gallop through to deep enough to be protected from dragon breath.
I'm not even going to acknowledge the fact that media outlets are trying to pretend there's a chance Jaime's dead.

I'm just not.


So, basically, in this episode, Bronn went from being cliche sidekick to fully realised character.  He learned the value of remaining loyal to one's chose house and gave up money for the cause.  He still remembered his friends though, so that, even when the odds are stacked against him, he can rise up and protect them from harm.
My question is: why?
Bronn is no one, and not in the cool Arya way, in the 'supporting funny character who makes penis jokes' way.  Why is his character more consistent and more developed than Jaime's?  Jaime flip flops between loving Cersei and hating her, loving being a soldier and hating everything it represents, not caring about being seen with Cersei and worried they'll be caught together.  Who is he in this battle?  If this is a rehashing of the Field of Fire, shouldn't Jaime be the main opposition to Dany?  Why was the focus on two characters that do not matter in the grand scheme of things: Tyrion and Bronn?  Just because fans are obsessed with them?



If I am completely honest with you, there were moments in this battle when I lost myself.  I projected what I wanted onto it and it didn't even seem that bad.  Then I saw the tracking shot of Bronn and Jaime fighting off countless Dothraki with one bad hand and Tyrion making comments from a top a random hill and I remembered.  This show is turning everything I loved about this world into utter trash.


And that's it.
It's over.  Bleurgh.

I can’t believe how short this episode was and how little plot there was to it.  There’s three episodes left of this entire season. THREE.  How much story do they have left?

High Points:

• The men on fire
• ... Alfie Allen?
• Dothraki choreography

Low Points:

• Focus on Bronn and Tyrion during the battle
• Littlefinger nonsense still ongoing
• Timelines.  Still.

Summative Comment:

I don't know how much more of this I can take.  I know we're past the halfway point now but... It seems like there's still so far to go.

Follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness @noneedtomoan

And, if you would like to hear a more balanced recap of the episodes or just hear me argue with my friends, who like Game of Thrones, just a reminder to go and listen to our new podcast, She, Herself and Guy.  Our recap on will be out by Friday night.

Stay strong, guys.

Season Seven, Episode Three - The Queen's Justice

Boy oh boy does the week go fast when you don't want Sunday to come around.

Reviews for the previous two episodes are here: E1 and E2 and the podcast I make with my two friends that is currently covering Game of Thrones is here.

Check 'em out!

Episode Three, you guys!

And, before we even start this week, I've got something to say and I'm just going to have to broach it right off the bat:

The timings in this episode are baffling to me.  

  

I understand that there are only seven episodes in this season (a limit the writers have imposed upon themselves) and so time can't really be wasted on watching people make journeys etc.  I disagree but fine.  Let's pretend I don't.

Even so, shouldn't the storylines make sense together in the same episode?  People are travelling at the speed of light (e.g. Euron getting from attacking Yara presumably near Dragonstone, back to King's Landing and to Casterly Rock within one episode) and I'm apparently in the wrong for bringing it up, whatever, but another issue stemming from it is that your other timelines suddenly fall apart (e.g. The Unsullied getting to Casterly Rock just before Euron's fleet turns up, even though The Unsullied left Dragonstone last episode and yet Euron's had time to do double that journey's length in one episode).  

It causes unnecessary confusion when you have storylines that seem out of sync with one another - perhaps we're not seeing them in choronological order or they're overlapping etc, come up with as many excuses for sloppy writing as you want, but I just don't think this technique is working.  I'm finding it increasingly distracting, especially when time is mentioned and I think to myself, 'Remember that Cersei said to the Iron Bank she'd have his money in two weeks, that will seem stupid in comparison to how far and fast Jaime travels in a moment'.  

So, yeah, I'm not going to go on about timings or timelines or teleportation this week because I feel like people, especially show fans, hate it when I do.  This argument is me being 'picky' or 'ridiculous' and, although I don't understand why, I know when I'm beat so this is me officially backing off ranting about the time stuff in Game of Thrones.  

However, this blog post, I will be highlighting any times I laughed out loud at the timeline during Episode Three, whether it was a journey that was too fast, too slow or just completely clashing with another.  

I'm sorry.  This is my compromise.

Right.

We kick off in Dragonstone, where Jon and Davos are arriving.  Already.

Tyrion and Jon do the whole thing where they pretend for a second that there's beef between them but then they break the tension with jokes about them being bastards and dwarves and everyone laughs.  Introductions are made and they are taken to meet the queen.  On the way, Davos makes awkward small talk with Missandei and Jon and Tyrion talk about how great Tyrion and Sansa are.  

Then, Jon says he's not a Stark and a dragon swoops in and interrupts him.  Melisandre and Varys have a moment where she refuses to see Jon and also seemingly threatens Varys with death in 'this land'.  Then, the big moment, Jon and Dany meet!  There's tension!  There's length introductions!  There's unnecessary backstory!
It's left with Dany getting the Dothraki servants (?) to draw their guests/prisoners baths.

Cool.

"Wow, that was quite a succinct synopsis you made about Dragonstone there, thanks for not going on about details literally no one cares about!" - You, just now, probably

Have you learned nothing at all?

Questions:

1) Has Jon genuinely just brought Davos with him?  That's it?  How is he going to mine for dragonglass with two people?  How is he going to successfully transport it back?  How dangerous is this?  Did he not feel like he wanted any more allies alongside him when meeting a dangerous, potentially mad woman he's committed treason against with dragons and a hoarde of Dothraki?  Who imposed this limit on people?  Dany may have asked him to bend the knee but probably didn't expect him to show up in person.  She definitely didn't say he was only allowed one guest.

2) Where is winter?  People are BARE ARMED.  I'm not even bare armed atm and it's July.  And not Westeros.  

3) Davos.  Your son was murdered in the Battle of Blackwater Bay.  Because of the wildfire that was Tyrion's doing.  It's his fault your son is dead.  When you meet him properly, is your adverb of choice regarding you being on opposite sides during this battle genuinely "unluckily"?  UNLUCKILY?!  A MAN IS DEAD, DAVOS.  YOUR SON.  Why are you not saying anything to Tyrion?  Is this the Shireen thing all over again?  What have the writers done to you, oh dear sweet Onion Knight?

4) We have four episodes left this season.  Rumour has it that next week's is 47 minutes.  47.  How many minutes did we waste on Davos awkwardly saying shit because it's funny?  (Don't get me wrong, it is quite endearing but... WTF USE OF TIME IS THIS?)

5) Does Tyrion accept the marriage with Sansa is over?  Even though a High Septon never reversed the marriage, as law/religion states they have to?

6) Did the writers think the dragons swooping in and causing Jon to duck at the exact moment he announced he wasn't a Stark was cool symbolism?  I feel sick.

7)  Why doesn't Melisandre want to see Jon?  Why does she threaten Varys?  Where else did Varys think he was going to die?  What was this scene and why did I enjoy it?

8)  What does having a Flea Bottom accent have to do with anything, Davos?  No one mentioned it mate.

9)  Is Dany meant to be being purposefully contradictory when she demands Jon Snow keep his ancestors' oath but demands that he doesn't judge her for her father's past actions?  WHICH IS IT DANY?

10)  "You could storm King's Landing tomorrow and it would fall" - Ser Davos.  Why is this not happening?  Don't tell me it's about not wanting to kill innocent people when she's allowing her dragons to continue to fly off the chains and presumably gorge on small children and she's planning on starving out the capital (aka all of the poor people).  

11)  Why does Dany not even acknowledge the White Walkers and instead launch into a huge monologue about her life story?

12)  When was it decided not to tell people about the resurrection?  First, Mel knew not to tell Dany last week - how? - and now Davos knows he's said too much when Jon gives him the look.  Why would he not want Dany to know about the resurrection?  If he didn't die, then his Watch isn't ended and he's a deserter, right?  So he shouldn't be proclaiming himself King in the North.  The Northern Lords should be beheading him right now.

13) Was Varys' fake whispering meant to be the funniest thing I've seen so far in season 7?
14)  Why is Jon waiting to bring up dragonglass when it's literally the only reason he travelled to Dragonstone in the first place?  What is he waiting for?  There were plenty of lulls in conversation that he could've slipped it in, mainly when talking about the White Walkers and how to defeat them.  Maybe focusing less on how Dany 'needs' him and more on his need for her help would've created a better reaction here.

Me RE: Dragonstone plotholes

Meanwhile, maybe at the same time, maybe not, Theon is hauled out of the ocean and onto a surviving Ironborn ship.  They know all about Yara's capture, not really sure how, and OMG I can't even with Alfie Allen this season.  He is acting his bloody face off, to the point that I'm half compelled by Theon's story, even if it is utter nonsesne

Also at the same time probably, Euron has made it back to King's Landing.  

He pulls his 'gifts' through the street and, wow, the commoners are super into Euron and Cersei, even after Olenna said last week that Cersei was very unpopular and also after Cersei did that thing that was pretty extreme and probably would've turned some people against her... 

You know the thing I mean.  

You would think people would be mad about it, especially considering even Hot Pie knew Cersei was responsible for it, last episode when he spoke to Arya.  If it's common knowledge, how would there not be a revolt?  Or at least some small faction of people not 100% on board with what's happening right now?  But now, everyone in King's Landing has shown up to cheer Euron's (and, subsequently, Cersei's) victory.

Alas no, Cersei's popularity is still a-ok and Euron has only helped matters.  

He presents his 'gifts' (Ellaria and Tyene) to Cersei, who promises he'll get his reward (wink wink) once the war is over.  She is absurdly into this.  In a real sick and twisted way (cannot praise Lena Headey enough for this whole episode).  

Oh, after saying some ridiculous sex stuff to Jaime to wind him up and let him know that he knows about the incest (who doesn't mate?), Euron immediately leaves btw.  There's seemingly no debriefing or meeting to catch him up with what future plans are.  He just bolts out of the throne room with his men... keeping Yara?  I don't understand her value as a prisoner at all.  

Then it cuts to the dungeons, where the 'gifts' are being held captive.  The Mountain (that poor actor, having to be hired to just stand inside that suit of armour all day, how boring) is in the room too, just to make things that teeny bit more horrific.  Cersei's wearing lipstick, which is weird, and monologuing for a LOOOONG time about how close she was to her daughter (I swear she's probably said her name all of four times in seven years) and all her death fantasies.  Seriously, as great as Lena Headey is here, this scene is about four minutes too long and really unnecessarily drawn out.  Obviously, Cersei kisses Tyene and tells Ellaria that she has to watch her daughter die like Myrcella (although Myrcella died quickly in Jaime's arms...)

Phew.  Thank God that gross stuff is all over.

NO WAIT CERSEI JAIME SEX SCENE FIRST

So, we finally see the golden hand at last, which is basically the best bit of this entire scene.  Cersei bursts in, all hot and bothered from grotesquely cruel murder, and starts kissing Jaime.  He definitely says no and then she continues kissing him, which leads to some sexual acts being performed and a whole load of Nikolai arse being seen.  

Now, this 'no' line feels incredibly purposeful after the scandal a few years ago where they rewrote a book scene to make consensual sex rape.  The director of the now long-forgotten scene tried to stand by it, claiming it was "consensual by the end" (probably the most disgusting quote I've ever written, and I write Game of Thrones reviews), despite Cersei's last word of the scene being "stop".  I am not saying this scene is on the same level as that one but it's an interesting choice to make, given how this sort of sex scene went down last time.  It almost feels like a giant 'fuck you' to anyone who dared speak out against the writers' use of rape within the show previously.  I do not feel anywhere near qualified enough to analyse this scene and 'no' in more detail but I just wanted to draw some comparisons here.  Now I'll move on.

What really gets me is Jaime still being into Cersei.  Supposedly.  She blew up the sept.  She told him she didn't care about the children.  Tommen betrayed her and they're all dead anyway.  The show seeded relationship issues with them SEASONS ago and yet everything seems fine, to the point where Cersei is happy for people to know about the two of them.  I mean... What?  I don't get it.

Anyway, after Cersei's unashamed showing off of her incestuous sex, she meets with the Iron Bank.  Wow.  Of all the forgotten plotlines, I think Iron Bank was the one fans were least invested in.  Great work, Game of Thrones.  Cersei tells your man Mycroft she has no money but she'll get it in two weeks.  Hey, quick q, if she has no money, how's she been buying her entire KingsQueensguard jazzy new black armour?
Also, she explicitly mentions how much money the Iron Bank of Braavos will have lost due to Dany freeing the slaves.  Okay.  Quick history lesson: both the A Song of Ice and Fire and Game of Thrones fandoms explain that Braavos was founded by former slaves, looking to build a new city safe from slavers:

"Braavos is one of the very few places in Essos where slavery is not practiced [...] In many ways this matches how Braavosi society is described in the novels: founded by a diverse mixture of escaped slaves from the Valyrian Freehold, Braavos is strongly opposed to the slave trade, and has no hereditary nobles or kings" - Game of Thrones Wiki page on Braavos

Game of Thrones.  You're telling me the Iron Bank of Braavos actively funds slavers?  No, you can talk to me all you want about bankers making investments in anything and not caring but I don't buy this at all.  

Solid nope

CONTINUITY AND WORLD BUILDING MATTER, PEOPLE.
Sigh.

We're back in Dragonstone again, because we haven't seen nearly enough of Tyrion, Jon and Dany.  Jon is grounded and sulking about it when Tyrion comes over with some great dialogue to cheer him up.  He gets it out of him that he wants dragonglass (WHY HAS JON NOT SAID IT BEFORE NOW?) and uses his male powers to convince Dany to sort it for Jon.  He also tries to quote himself as a wise man and Dany has none of it.  It's pretty emabarrassing.

In regards to Jon and Dany, I have just one question: is it sexual tension or just terrible acting?

I can't tell the difference any more.

In Winterfell, Sansa is amazing in command and proving that she knows stuff she probably shouldn't/they should have been discussing before this moment (e.g. Winterfell not having prepped for Winter effectively, her catching a Maester offguard and him not knowing how long Winter is likely to be - ye ok m8).  Littlefinger is basically a caricature of an annoying Disney parrot now and I swear what he says doesn't even make sense.
Then, in dramatic reunion pt. 1 news (Arya's journey to Winterfell has been delayed so that we can get a Stark reunion every week like we deserve), Bran is at Winterfell!  Has Meera pulled him the entire way here?  Does she hang around?  Will she ever say anything more than Bran's name?  WHO KNOWS WHO CARES HE'S BACK

There is no real emotion after the hug, though, as Sansa forgets how to be a human being and ask him how he is or comment on how he's a fully grown man now rather than being a boy etc.  She instead tells him he's Lord of Winterfell and gets freaked out when he says he's a Three Eyed Raven instead.  Admittedly, it is hard to explain, but even taking that into account, this is poorly done, Bran. 3/10 must try harder.

I feel like Bran has been going to the Emilia Clarke school of acting.  His face is completely expressionless.

Look. An Actor. Emoting.

Now, you may say that's on account of his whole raven-ness, but then why did the old Three Eyed Raven (remember him? No worries if not, he didn't do much tbf.  Picture left for reference if you're as confused as Sansa about this whole raven business) get emotional in flashbacks/all the time?  He felt things.  HE ACTED.  And those people weren't even his relations.
For me, this choice for Bran's reaction is bizarre.

Also, Sansa is deeply disturbed that he knew EXACTLY what happened on her wedding night when, in reality, Bran was essentially a cheap psychic.  He knew a few things: that she wore white and looked beautiful (pretty easy guess) and that Ramsay put her through something at Winterfell (given that everyone seemingly knew Ramsay was a horrible person, again, not a big leap).  Idk, I wasn't blown away by this revelation.  Was it creepy, knowing that Bran had seen this and was still acting the way he was, completely emotionless and unempathetic?  Hell yes.  Was it impressive/unnerving that he knew this?  Nah.

Quickly!  To the Citadel so we can see Jorah's cured skin (didn't he have 24 hours to leave?  Shouldn't the wounds be oozing?  Shit, I'm talking about timeline, my bad) being poked by a stick.  He's free to go.  There's a weird joke made to Sam that they might meet again that was so blatant I felt like Jorah would wink into camera.  Oh and then they had Sam drop the line, "I read the books and followed the instructions," which, as a book reader, I found to be a personal attack on me.

The only good thing to come out of the Citadel this episode was this GIF:

Credit: @theScottRushing

Anyway, he's allowed to stay at the Citadel (??) but is sad about having to work.  Life is hard, Sam.

And then, guess where we're off to again, good ole Dragonstone!  Dany is upset she's lost her allies and wants to use the dragons, sod the innocent lives that will be lost.  However, now the argument by her council is not the loss of lives, it's the risking of her life.  Priorities change mid-episode I guess.

Jacob Anderson is just smashing it here 

Tyrion kindly talks us through the Unsullied's attack on Casterly Rock which, oh man, I still just don't get the tactics of.  His voiceover is super cringey, the way that they crowbar-ed in Tywin making Tyrion in charge of the sewers for this reason is forced (he BUILT them?!) and weird and the Bronn quote is just... ughhhhhh.

They can reference Bronn but can't take two minutes for Davos' son.  K.

Anyway, there is massive loss of Unsullied life but THEY WIN.  But Grey Worm isn't happy.  He's suspicious.
As he should be, because the rest of the Lannisters are not there but Euron's fleet is!

Where are the Lannisters, you ask?  Isn't it obvious where they could have physically made it to by now?  Duh, Jaime and the Lannister army are obviously already in Highgarden.

Bronn has made it because he appears whenever he's mentioned and Randall and Rickon Dickon Tarly are also onboard.  Excellent.  The gang's back together!
Now, I hate to end on a positive but... I think I enjoyed this final scene?  I mean... it's fine.

PEEAACCEEE

Olenna was actually believable for her character, which is all I can ask for now and, although I obviously don't buy the plan of the Lannisters just allowing Casterly Rock to be taken, I think this scene is well acted and a perfect ending for Olenna.

Somehow, let's not dwell on how, Jaime has talked Cersei out of making Olenna die a painful death and allows her to chug a glass of poisonous wine, an opportunity she relishes.  She is able to go out, not quite in a blaze of glory, but with a brilliantly dignified 'fuck you, fuck your son born of incest and especially fuck your evil sister, who will be the death of you'.

Glorious.

Okay.  Back to reality.

High Points

• Olenna.  She saved everything
• Varys and Mel.  I don't know why
• 
  

Low Points

• The timeline issues I'm not going to talk about
• Cersei was particularly problematic
• Dragonstone plotholes - poor tactics, Melisandre having to go home, not being allowed to talk about the ressurrection, Jon only bringing one man with him, said man (Davos) forgetting his dead son, no one mentioning dragonglass until Tyrion remembered to save the day and ask... 

Summative comment:

Go follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness @noneedtomoan

And, if you would like to hear a more balanced recap of the episodes or just hear me argue with my friends, who like Game of Thrones, just a reminder to go and listen to our new podcast, She, Herself and Guy.  Our recap on Episode Three will be out by the end of this week.

We're nearly halfway through, guys.  See you next Monday.