Trailers = Tangents

I know, I know haven’t even posted my first Game of Thrones Season Five response yet.  However, I don’t know if you heard, but some trailers have been released and I just can’t stop myself from going off on one because of it.

The lovely folks over at HBO have treated us to four (count ‘em, four) lovely trailers for season six, which is super lovely of them*.

*this sentence: sponsored by the adjective ‘lovely’

The first trailer was released a month ago:

 In it, we hear the three-eyed raven, telling us that the past is “already written” and “the ink is dry”.  I can only assume that this cruel irony, the nod to the written books and the fact that the dried ink in them has basically been ignored by producers, was unintentional.

We open on Jon Snow, being all alive and that.  But then. We see him “dead”.

"They have no idea what's going to happen"

 No, Bran. We really don’t.
 

We have no idea.

Such mystery. 

 Very secret.

"Dead is dead is dead is dead. He be dead" - Michael Lombardo, HBO Exec

*eyeroll*

Seriously, even though it seems fairly obvious that Kit will be appearing in season six and all of the above was purposeful confusion, merely done for publicity... We still don’t have a clue what they’re going to do with the character of Jon Snow now they’re off book.  It’s definitely tearing me apart.  Cheers, Bran.  Rub it in, why don’t you?

                            Btw, Dear Bran:

Season Five wrote you but you still ain’t callin’....

Come back soon plz.

Basically, this first trailer was ‘teasing’ us by showing us... Nothing of substance.  We knew Bran was due to return in season six.  We had already seen the stabby stabbing.  We know nothing.

Which brings us nicely to the three new trailers, all of banners of the ONLY THREE FAMILIES THAT MATTER IN ALL THE SEVEN KINGDOMS APPARENTLY.

Let’s start with the Starks:

Errrhhmagerrhd!  That’s not a Stark talking at all... But of course it’s not.  Because why would you have a Stark, when you could have the poster boy of Game of Thrones to do all the talking?

Bitch tryna steal ma mean crown

“Winterfell is mine.  Come and see.”

*sigh*  

They really are building up Ramsay as the new Joffrey, aren’t they?

But, as shocking as this may be to us and Joffrey in equal measure, what exactly are we to take from this?  The Stark banner is in tatters (as every banner is, in all three trailers) and Ramsay has claimed Winterfell as his own, sending out an invitation to see it.  But, who to?

His twenty good men?

Stannis’ army?

OMG…

Us?

DID RAMSAY JUST BREAK THE FOURTH WALL?

Dany breaks wheels.
 Ramsay 4th walls.

Either Ramsay is about to throw down or the Starks will be great once more.

D&D <3 Ramsay 4lyf

 I bet I can guess which.

   

                                

Next!  Lannisters:

 

Oh, I see.  In all the trailers, not just Ramsay’s the Starks’, those speaking aren’t from the families in the banners.   Instead, they’re the enemies, hell bent on bringing them down.  It’s a creative choice.  I get it.  

DEEP.

Here, the High Sparrow appears to be inspiring the troops, ready to “overthrow the empire” and, honestly, I'm actually pretty excited about this one.

Reason One:

An overthrowing of the Lannisters would be a brilliant storyline to watch unfold.  With Varys in Mereen (just lol), he can’t personally do any damage to House Lannister, so is the High Sparrow going to do it instead?  With his religious followers minions?

Reason Two

Because Shame Septa is life.

And, again, the banner is basically ruined.  Are all the great houses destined to crash and burn in season six?

Finally, Targaryen:

The Dothraki are totes in a mood with Dany, “Queen of Nothing”*

*technically true – she’s ruling over nowhere right now and doesn’t even have any jewels, especially after abandoning her ring as the shittiest clue of all time

I really don’t know what to make of all this. 

Show!Dany is now so beyond...

Beyond her storyline.

Beyond her character.

Beyond any semblance of common sense.

I’m not sure what this Dothraki speech is even hinting at but it doesn’t seem good.  In fact, I’m concerned it’s yet another shock and awe tactic to worry the fans in the first few episodes by showing her in grave danger until...

                                  

the dream team can come and save her from the Dothraki.

In conclusion, unsurprisingly, I’m unimpressed.  I’m actually pretty deflated; I’m not going to lie.  A lot of TV fans are excited, though, so maybe, like always, I’m over thinking it.

We’ll see.

Anyway, back to planned posts from now on.
I’m going to get cracking on Season Five and you should have your first GOT Season 5 blog post this weekend.

The Next Project

Last time, I explained my reasoning behind why I always read the book before watching any adaptations inspired by it and told you I would be picking an adaptation of a book to moan about next.

And so, the adaptation I've chosen to rant about...

Yep. The HBO adaptation of the A Song of Ice and Fire (hereafter referred to as ASoIaF) novels by George R.R. Martin: Game of Thrones. More specifically, season five.

To explain why, it may help to tell you my ASoIaF story.

Our story begins a few years ago:  The year was 2013.  It was a simpler time.

REMEMBER THIS GUY?? 2013!

Everyone I knew was watching Game of Thrones.  I'd heard of it and been told a gazillion times to watch it but, lo and behold, it was only bloody based on a series of books (ASoIaF), wasn't it?  And we know my rule about that...

Over the summer, I devoured the first three books of the series.  I was hooked.  It was unlike anything I'd ever read.  It was more than just my first fantasy series (Artemis Fowl doesn't count, does it?)  It was the first series of books that I truly immersed myself in.  As I completed books four and five in the new year, I finally decided to see what all the Game of Thrones fuss was about.  

Now, I knew I'd find it difficult.  I'm not daft.
When you love something that much, when you've established a whole universe in your mind, you know that someone else's interpretation of it just won't be the same.  But, like I said last time, I have accepted that adaptations are essentially fan fictions.  

Ah, outdated RENT references <3

[As an aside, I remember, once upon a time, a friend had gotten me obsessed with RENT fan fictions and it made us lose our shit, especially after that film scene inspired a whole branch of Mark/Roger storylines we were not expecting.]*
*Apologies for how niche this reference is and shout out to anyone who gets it.

Anyway, when something I love is adapted, I know to prepare myself for something different.  I swore that I would always treat Game of Thrones separately to ASoIaF.  I psyched myself up and pressed play.

Seasons 1-3 went by in a blur.  And... They were good.  Like, really good.  I mean... Obviously, some of the characters were underdeveloped and storylines were often different but I understood that there was far too much detail to squeeze in.  I enjoyed it.  Now, I'd be lying to you if I said that I'd never thought, "they missed out _____" or "but _____ would never do that" or "why would they show _____ before explaining _____?" etc. but, for the most part, I was a Game of Thrones fan.  I embraced the differences.

By the summer of 2014, I'd read the whole ASoIaF series twice and begun to explore the fandom behind the books.  Westeros.org and various Tumblr sites were feeding me lots of information.  I was loving learning more about the series, analysing the text in more detail and discovering possible theories (R+L=J though, amiright?).  At the same time, I was watching season four.  It could have been my immersion into the book world but there was more and more I began to dislike about the TV series.  

I was seeing things that didn't just confuse me: they irked me.  People in the show began to do things that, given their entire arc established thus far in the show, were just out of character for them.  Everyone could seemingly teleport to anywhere in the Known World at the drop of a hat.  Certain storylines were racing ahead to book five whilst others were left abandoned mid book two. 

How am I still alive?  Discuss.

Westeros.org was up in arms.  Fans like me, who'd made peace with the disparity between the show and books were disappointed and confused.  There was also a lot of anger.  At first, it all seemed a bit over the top and intense for me but, as I neared the end of season four, these ranting comments began to speak to me and my cynicism grew.

And yet, despite all of this, I was still excited for season five to start.

Surely the Ironborn plot would return?
Dorne was to be covered, at last.  Oh, to see the beauty of the Winter Gardens.
Maybe Gendry will finally find dry land!  He must be knackered.

Also, I wanted to see how the show would handle the story lines beyond the books.  I was such a no0b to the world of ASoIaF, yet I was desperate for more material, whether it was accurate or not.

And then, OUTTA NOWHERE,

Why yes, I do have insane photoshop skillz, thank you for noticing.
I also have a knack for making stupid references.

And, with that ridiculous, lovingly hand-made-at-1am meme, we've reached the end of my A Song of Ice and Fire vs. Game of Thrones experience.

In all seriousness, I can't tell you how heartbroken I actually was at the end of season five.
Thus far, my coping mechanism has been to run to the forums, the blogs and other book readers.  They all seem to be able to put their disappointment into words so much more eloquently than I can.

So, here we are.
Fun Fact!  My resolution for 2016 was to stick to things once I'd started them: the copy of War and Peace that's been weighing down my bag for all of 2015 but is barely touched, that entire tin of Quality Street left from Christmas and... my moany blog.

Now, I know I'm late to the party but a thesis on the major pitfalls of season five was not something I was in a position to do until now.  I feel like the past six months has been my ASoIaF grieving period.  I've had time to gather my thoughts.  My friends have had enough of my emotional ramblings.  I've read countless threads and blog posts.
It's now or never.

Here's the plan:

Over the next few months, I'm going to rewatch Game of Thrones season five (pray for me).
Whilst I watch each episode, I'm going to scribble about the content, characters and choices made as well as what I think would have worked better and what the implications could be for season six.  The subsequent stream of consciousness will be edited into a (hopefully) weekly blog post, moaning and ranting unnecessarily once more.
So, take this as official warning, there will be many a spoiler ahead, about both Game of Thrones (duh) and ASoIaF.

Expect the first post later this week.
Wish me luck.

Reading is Fundamental

Okay so I felt like I needed to preface my next post with a mini-post.
This one isn't a moan; it's more of an explanation.

Here's the thing: I'm a reader.
More than that: I'm an annoying reader.

I'm that person (we all know one) who refuses to watch an adaptation of a book until they've caught up with the original version.

This often means I'm (voluntarily) left behind whilst others rave about the latest great thing they've watched.  I have a 'must watch after I've read' list overflowing with classics that I'm still to see.

[Examples of stuff I'm yet to see because I haven't got round to reading the book yet: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Outlander, Gone Girl, Perks of Being a Wallflower, Fight Club, The 100, Life of Pi, The Shining, Fear and Loathing.... Don't bother telling me how I've missed out on some of the greatest cinematic moments of all time; I am well aware.]

Okay so I realise how pretentious I sound but you have to believe me when I say that I don't do this to, as most people assume, brag to others ("yeah, it's okay but it's not as good as the book").  It's not a case of me wanting to be able to patronise others about how much better the book was.  It's simply my personal preference.

Basically my friend.

Comparatively, my friend loves reading too but can only ever read a book once.  This is utter madness to me.

Re-reading a book is one of my greatest pleasures, akin to putting on your favourite film.  You know exactly what's going to happen, but that's half the joy.  You see things you've never noticed before; you get new perspectives of characters; you can laugh and cry at the same parts all over again.  

My friend simply cannot do this and, though it confuses the living shit out of me, it's her choice.

Mine (as well as reading books over and over again) is to always read the book before watching the adaptation.


You see, I am not a particularly creative person; I can't make something new without some form of stimulus or inspiration (hence no fiction writing, just moaning about something someone else has created).

But, when I read, I transform.  My imagination comes to life.  The images in my head that are conjured up from a few well placed metaphors are inexplicable.  It's such a personal experience, reading a book.  My interpretation of a character or a setting or a relationship may be completely different to yours.  And that's okay.

This all changes if I watch an adaptation before reading the book.  My lack of creativity and imagination without stimulus means that the images I see are forever tied to that person or place...

e.g. Once I see this version of Harry,

he is all I see when reading the book.

I won't be able to create my own idea of this person.  ^This one will always be there.

I'm aware this is not a big deal (I think for most people, whether they'd read the book first or not, Daniel Radcliffe IS Harry Potter) but I just don't want to do this to myself.  I want to have my own vision.  I want to keep this one creative thing my mind is capable of.

Legit me when I try to be creative without help.

In my mind, watching the adaptation before reading the source material is like reading fan fiction having never read what it's based on.  The person(s) making the film or TV show is(are) simply creating their version, their interpretation.

My Sherlock Holmes is neither Robert Downey Jr. nor Benedict Cumberbatch.  That's okay, though.  When I watch either version, I can see what both actors bring to the role.  I can understand the choices the writers made with the dialogue.  I get why the director made the creative choices they did.

I've accepted that no one will ever be able to perfectly emulate the weird and wonderful version of the story that I have in my head.  I don't want them to try.
I just like to build that image before I see someone else's ideas.



I will then, 99.9% of the time, think that the book is better.
I will share this opinion with you, should you ask.  If you don't, I won't.
Because you should know that it's better, anyway.  Duh.




So why am I bothering to tell you all of this?
This hasn't felt very moany at all.


Well, my next project is about an adaptation.

A dead famous one.

And I'm not best pleased with it.


Whenever I rant about it to others irl, their standard argument is that I'm just annoyed that the adaptation isn't like the book and I wanted to make it clear that that is not why I'm moaning about it.

Trust me.  I have plenty of other points to make.

Another post is on its way this weekend.
*self five for staying on track with the blog posts*

Moaner 2.0

Oh, hi...

So life got pretty hectic and I neglected my blog for a bit.
I can only apologise.

My last blog post took weeks to construct and, fair enough, it didn't exactly 'blow up' the way I'd imagined it would.  It did, however, garner over 150 more views than my first blog posts so, in my mind, it was still a success and I'm still idiotically proud about the massive waste of time that it was.

Anyway, I plan on rebooting this blog and am determined to write at least a post a week.
To be able to plan posts like this, I need one big thing to focus my moaning on.

I need something I can really rant about throughout several posts.
I need something that truly, deeply enrages me on different levels.



Watch this space.
Unnecessary Moaner is returning.

Dear lads at theLadBible.com,

So, lads, here’s the thing: I have some issues with your bible.

You appear to have become a force to be reckoned with: you feel confident enough to call yourselves the "UK's largest online entertainment website", you're winning awards and I can see that you want to be taken seriously (like, desperately) as whatever it is you consider yourself, thus rendering any attempt to settle my beef with the very problematic nature of your website as a whole a massive waste of my time and energy.

“What are you moaning about, then?” I hear a chorus of lads cry.
Literacy.

I know, I know… Literacy is neither sexy nor exciting and you probably haven’t heard the term since primary school but, by God, it's important and you, as a news outlet, shouldn’t need to be reminded of this. 

I cannot be the first person to try to explain to you lads that grammar and Standard English are essential.  I can tell by the quality of writing you publish that none of you are particularly enamoured with the rules of the English language but you should know that, as an English teacher and a lover of the written word, it genuinely pains me to read through some of your work. 

Technically (and terrifyingly), you lads are legit journalists now; writing is your job (OMG I know, right?)  Even if it’s never taken precedence in your lives before (which, quite honestly, it should have), this shit matters now.  Get your acts together and read your work, lads!  We have to.

It’s worth noting that I normally teach 11-16 year olds with reading ages significantly lower than their actual age.  I know a lot of them read your site regularly and, for some, it'll be the only thing they read outside of school.  This is an issue for several reasons but I’m going to focus on the one most easily fixed.  I tell my students that the more they read, the better the quality of their writing will become.  I'm constantly reminding them that, if they are seeing punctuation, spelling and interesting vocabulary used correctly, they’re subconsciously learning how to do this in their own writing.  You could be helping to improve the low levels of literacy in this country but, instead, you could actually making it worse.

Even if you don’t buy my teen illiteracy guilt trip, let’s be honest with one another.  You are a publishing business; your use of the English language shouldn’t be questionable.  If you genuinely want to compete with the big guys and be taken seriously, you need to ensure the quality of writing is as good as the subject matter passable.

But, do not fear, lads, for the Lean, Mean Grammar Machine™ is here!  I’ve been conducting an experiment where I read your posts and log the mistakes you’re commonly making.  I’ve used this information to carefully tailor the following literacy lessons to suit your needs.  I'm aware I need to get a hobby.

(But, hey, in all seriousness, I do really hope you take my message on board.   I also hope you understand the light hearted manner in which this piece was written and get the joke here think it goes without saying that you’ll love this self-indulgent diatribe, start to punctuate properly and let me get on with my life because, as we've established, it’s hella exciting).

Lad Literacy Lesson 1: Apostrophes

I’m not going to lie to you, lads.  I understand the problems people have with apostrophes.  The little bastards can be tricky, they are normally autocorrected anyway and it seems to be just me and this girl (my hero <3) left who don’t hate them.  Still, as writers, you should probably revise the rules around them just to be on the safe side.

Lesson 1a) Contraction

In all honesty, you guys have nailed apostrophes for contraction.  Whether it’s “don’t”, “can’t” or “won't”, you’ve locked that shit down.  Well done, lads.

Lesson 1b) Possession

Mate…

Can I take this moment to ask you what programme you are writing your articles on before submission?  I only ask as I’m using Word right now and, even if I wanted to leave out an apostrophe (which I most definitely do not), I couldn’t.   Have you been fiddling with the settings?

These aren't even all the examples I found, I swear.

I grew weary of screenshotting them.

You know how bored you're getting of all these examples?

Imagine how I feel.
*sigh*


When something belongs to someone, they need an apostrophe to show their possession.

It’s relatively simple, lads.

 It’s relatively simple, lads.

I know six year olds that can do it. I know six year olds that can do it.

Okay.  Apostrophes = done.  Still with me?

Lad Literacy Lesson 2: Commas

I’ve got a confession to make, lads.  I hate commas.  Yeah, I said it.  I meant it; they’re my least favourite piece of punctuation (oh, pipe down – we all have a favourite and least favourite and you know it).  No one understands how to use them and chaos generally ensues when people try.  Nevertheless, let’s give this a whirl.  There are three reasons we use commas.

Lesson 2a) Comma Splicing

Splicing is not a pretty word but fear not, lads, it’s actually the most common literacy error I come across.  It’s essentially inaccurately using a comma instead of a full stop.  This seems to stem from the saying ‘use a comma every time you need to take a breath’, which is actually highly misleading. 

If you’re unsure, reread your sentence.  If both sides of the comma make sense on their own, you’ve spliced that bad boy!  The comma you’ve used should actually be a full stop (or something else… See Lesson 3a).

Lesson 2b) Complex Sentences

This is a slightly trickier skill to master and, in my opinion (because, let’s face it, we’d all love to hear some more of that), one of the trickiest elements of punctuation to teach.  

It all boils down to this: commas can be used to add extra information to a sentence.

For example:  The lads wrote an article.

This is a simple sentence.  

I can drop extra info in, ensuring I separate it with commas:

Even though they struggled to use punctuation, the lads wrote an article.

The lads, who were grammatically challenged, wrote an article.

The lads wrote an article, making sure it contained none of the possessive apostrophes it needed.

Unfortunately for the English language, the lads wrote an article.

I could remove the extra info and commas (in green) and my sentence (in red) would still make sense.

Now, to be fair, a lot of your sentences don’t make sense in the first place (See Lesson 4) but, once they do, commas will need to be placed correctly so that your readers can follow what it is you're trying to say.

Lesson 2c) Lists

You lads have got this down.  Don’t worry about lists.  Kudos to you.  Chufty badges all round.

Commas?  Check.

Lad Literacy Lesson 3: Semi Colons (a.k.a. my favourite piece of punctuation <3)

Ahh yes, lads, it’s time to discuss punctuation’s most elusive mistress.  Everyone loves to think they can use a semi colon but very few have the gift and, judging by the articles I’ve been reading, no one in your office has been born with this superpower.

Lesson 3a) To link two related sentences

Semi colons.  

Sometimes we call them ‘long full stops’.  Sometimes, we advise to use them instead of ‘because’.  Sometimes, we may tell you to BACK THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE SEMI COLON LAD BECAUSE IT HURTS MY HEAD.  WHAT YOU’RE DOING WITH THAT SEMI COLON IS PHYSICALLY HURTING ME AND I NEED YOU TO STOP.

No.  Whatever this semi colon was meant to be doing, it's not working.  No.

No.  Whatever this semi colon was meant to be doing, it's not working.  No.

But, if you’re determined, try to remember splicing sentences with commas…  From Lesson 2a?  Basically, if your sentences are related to one another, you can use a semi colon instead of a full stop (or the comma that you’re using incorrectly). 

The important thing to remember though is that, even though the statements you are separating are related, they must be independent of one another; both sides of the semi colon have to make complete sense without the other (I totally just used one successfully *self five*).

This…
The lads wrote an article and published it.  They didn’t worry about checking it.
Can become…

The lads wrote an article and published it; they didn’t worry about checking it.

Both of these examples are grammatically correct and they’re equally acceptable (except for the fact that one is unbelievably sexier than the other… Just me?)

A lot of people find them difficult so the general rule of thumb is not to use them if you’re unsure.   JUST STOP TRYING*.

*I’ve never won the award for ‘Most Inspirational Teacher’ but I’m hopeful that this is my year.

Lesson 3b) In complicated list

Remember when I said, “Don’t worry about lists,” way back in Lesson 2c...?

Simpler times.

Sorry to be the one to break this to you lads but most lists do not require a semi colon and can be successfully punctuated using only commas.  It is only when the list is getting complicated and unmanageable (e.g. the items in the list have commas in) when you need semi colons to separate the items.  They are used to clarify the sentence and make it simpler to read.

The top five goal scorers of the Premier League so far this year are Jamie Vardy, Leicester City; Riyad Mahrez, Leicester City; Odion Ighalo, Watford; Romelu Lukaku, Everton and Graziano Pellè, Southampton.

Did you see what I did there, lads?  I referenced football in my example to make myself seem more likeable, casual, relatable and ‘on your level’.  It totally worked. 

I don't even know what you were trying to accomplish here.

And we're done with semi colons!  Ready for your final lesson?

Lad Literacy Lesson 4: Proof Reading

I’m not going to lie to you, lads; this is the big one.  If you get this skill right, the other problems should all but fade away.  This is the embarrassing one.  This has echoes of that iPhone autocorrect that ruined your relationship with Grandma for life (I WAS TALKING ABOUT DUCKS, NAN, I SWEAR DOWN).

Here’s a secret for all the lads in the office: a writer every human being ever has to proof read their work everything they write.   You don’t seem to know this.  I dread to think how much of a mess your internal emails are.  You constantly make mistakes.  

Oh, you think I'm exaggerating...  You poor, sweet summer children.






I'm not even going to break up these images with captions.
You don't deserve it.






You, just being a normal bunch of lads, may not care about affecting the youth of today’s literacy or making yourself look unprofessional but you know what a big business would care about?  Revenue.

Now, if all this literacy business seems dreadfully complicated and you’re concerned that you won’t be able to continue to deliver high quality any news articles sequence of random words strung together with no discernible intention with these restrictions, I would seriously advise going against company policy and consider hiring someone who isn’t literacy-impaired to proof read writers’ work for them.  This way, you don’t actually have to hire any writers/journalists/content managers/social media executives with a competent understanding of the English language and your lads are free to get on with the important stuff. 
   

I'm sorry I don't have more Snapchat screenshots for you... They were so grim I couldn't really face any more (LOL JESUS ON A SKATEBOARD - WHAT?!)

I won't even tell you how many more mistakes I actually found that didn't make it here for fear that it may tip you over the edge.  If you truly consider yourselves the "foremost authority" of anything, you must want to be taken seriously.  That is never going to happen if several parts of articles are consistently nonsensical.

When was the last time you saw an article on VICE with a bloody typo?

Did Buzzfeed report on the new “Star Wars: The Force Awakes” movie trailer?

I mean... I didn’t want to go there but…

Are you aware that The Daily Mail has fewer grammatical errors than your site?

Right now, you are worse than THE   DAILY   MAIL. 

Think long and hard about that sentence.

... And that’s me done, lads.

And, yeah, some people may think that I haven’t even scratched the surface of the actual issues with The LadBible but, tragically, this is THE issue for me.  I’d never even really read your site before an article popped up on my newsfeed with a typo in and, after getting lost in a rabbit hole of literacy errors and screenshots, I decided to write this article.

In all honesty, I feel that, if your articles were grammatically correct and actually coherent, you can continue posting whatever you feel like.  Go ahead.  You do you!  You can influence a generation however you see fit but, even if your site is never actually morally sound, the least you can do is help your readers by punctuating properly and actually checking through your work before you post it.    

Until you do, I will be here.

Yours Sincerely,

Unnecessary Moaner

PS. Sorry if all the blue text confused you.  Those are links to the external websites I used as sources; you may not be familiar with them*.

*lol because of the arguments about crediting stuff :)