I can't decide if I'm so over the show that its horrible-ness is now hysterical to me or if I'm just so tired of it all that I'm essentially considering ending it all to make it stop. Join me on an adventure to figure out which it is.If you'd like to catch up on the emotional rollercoaster that has been Season Eight thus far, my previous reviews are here: S8E1, S8E2,
S8E3 and I also tweet fairly regularly on the subject of Game of Thrones (including live tweeting the episode at 02:00 GMT) . You can enjoy the saltiness here: @noneedtomoan.
We open episode four at Winterfell, in the aftermath of the Long War which was hyped up for centuries and ended up being over and done with in an episode thanks to a flying girl (still not over it). The Named Character Gang are all here (obviously, they all survived) and are having a funeral for all of the red shirts.
Now I'm going to do something I don't do very often here and pay the Game of Thrones team a COMPLIMENT. Yep, you heard right.
Now back to tearing your work apart.
Dany is incredibly sad about Jorah dying, of course. Sansa is very sad about Theon and places a wolf pin on him, which is sweet. Jon looks at lil Lyanna 'Giant-Slayer' Mormont and, according to D&D in the Inside the Episode, which I recommend you watch if you want to punch a wall until you cry, at this bit he thinks about his birth mother (WHO WAS CALLED LYANNA, GUYS). This emotional pondering of his mum did not translate onto screen for me and just caused me to, once again, think that if D&D want a scene to convey something, they should probably get someone to talk about it and not expect it to get across in a LOOK. *eye roll*
They burn the bodies in a mass funeral pyre which must have smelled horrendous. Honestly, how everyone was in the mood for sex when that smell was still lingering in their clothes and hair and stuff I have no idea.
I didn't hate this scene and it worked in that it gave us a second to remember just how serious the battle was, despite no one actually important dying lol.
However, it did leave me with a couple of questions:
Is there any need to burn the bodies?
A cremation nowadays is not unusual. However, if I'm remembering correctly, in Westeros, the more common method is either burial or, if you come from a notable house, you are placed in the family crypts/tomb. The only exception was the Targaryen family, which did burn their loved ones' bodies.
The only reason anyone else would ever burn bodies in the show (and the books) was because you were worried the dead body was going to reanimate as a wight. This used to only happen North of the Wall but it had happened at Castle Black and, since the Wall fell, I guess all bets are off. Now, the reason I'm making a deal out of this is because Arya killed the NK last episode (oh, what, you didn't hear? She SLAAAYEDDD, yas qween #feminism) and all of the wights fell. Now, those bodies are nowhere to be seen so did they have a less ceremonial burning of those round the back of WF? (IMAGINE THE SMELL) Why are they burning these bodies? Okay maybe Dany wanted Jorah burned this way but... Everyone else? Why waste their energy and time building all these pyres? Why live with the smell for this long completely unnecessarily? (I know I'm dwelling on the smell but good Lord someone think of the smell). Yeah, I didn't get this.
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| Black? For Winter? How groundbreaking. |
I think it was Preston Jacobs who pointed this out in his last video (if you don't watch his channel, you really should) but, in Westeros, black was exclusively for the Night's Watch. It was called 'Taking the Black'. They were the only people who wore black. Everyone else wore their house colours.
I get making the lighting dark and moody for atmosphere and to show how dark and sinister the show is now but, really, there's no need for so many characters to be wearing black. It doesn't fit with the universe for both the show and the books.
Speaking of the Night's Watch, is there any need for it now?
The men of the Night's Watch chose to take the black, often in lieu of an execution, to protect Westeros. They were the watchers in the night. Their job was to watch the Wall and protect the realm from the evil things beyond it. We later learn these were the Night's King, the useless White Walkers and the slow-moving oh no wait they're super fast wights. But. Arya killed them all (did you not hear? She's super great. She saved the world by inexplicably flying through the air #feminism). Sooooo they're all dead forever? No need to burn bodies and definitely no need for anyone to ever inhabit the Wall and protect the realm anymore. So executions and imprisonments will go up massively, then? Someone's head will roll for the increase in those figures. #executionpuns.
Gendry asks the Hound if he knows where Arya is, leading to a weird exchange where the Hound essentially tells Gendry off for only thinking about sex at a time like this (when EVERYONE ELSE is thinking about sex). When did Gendry tell the Hound he'd banged Arya? Why did we not get to see that scene? At what point during the battle did Gendry have a sec to nudge the Hound and be like "I got some, you know"??
Whatever.
Gendry gets up to look for Arya and Dany stops him and asks him if he's a Baratheon bastard. WHEN DID SOMEONE TELL HER THIS? I'd just like a run down of who is being told things and when because I really can't keep up with what levels of knowledge each person has. Dany says he is no longer Gendry Rivers and he's now Lord Gendry Baratheon of Storm's End.
[I'll let the Game of Thrones wiki page for Gendry explain what's wrong with this:
First, he was never an acknowledged bastard of Robert Baratheon, and thus never used a special bastard surname - in the same episode he also admitted that he never even knew Robert was his father until after he died. Second, it is simply the wrong bastard surname: "Rivers" is the surname used by bastards in the Riverlands, but Gendry is from the Crownlands, and thus would have used the bastard surname "Waters". Nonetheless, no one ever called him "Gendry Waters" or "Gendry Rivers" before that point - as he wasn't an acknowledged bastard.]
Safe in the knowledge he's now a lord, he goes to find Arya, who shoots an arrow at him (aw how cool, women are strong too, I just love what they're doing here #feminism). He proposes and she refuses, using a lovingly Random Repeated Line from a Previous Season:
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| Good writing = Repeating things. |
Back inside, Emilia is mad because her Starbucks has gone cold.
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| You have to squint through the darkness but yep that's real |
Obviously, Dany is angry about something that makes much more sense... All of the men LOVE Jon and that makes her nervous
I don't get the celebration and praise surrounding Jon. What did Jon do last week that would lead anyone to think he deserves praise? Explain to me how last week's episode would have gone any differently without Jon. Even just the 'taking part', that's literally what everyone else did. Why would he get more praise for that?
I don't get why everyone is obsessed with the idea of him being a better leader than Dany as people are drawn to him etc. Have you seen Kit in this role? Are 'charismatic', 'charming' or 'beguiling' words you'd use to describe Kit's Jon Snow? I certainly wouldn't. The whole storyline of Dany being paranoid and people wanting to put Jon on the throne because he'll be well-liked (as well as his claim) irked me this week because they haven't presented him as a particularly captivating or inspirational leader at any point in the show.
Also, they just casually talk about Jon being resurrected. That was a secret, right? So, does EVERYONE know now? Or just select people that talk about it openly without fear of others overhearing.
Seriously though, why is Jon being lauded more than Arya? Yeah, they did a toast for her but... How is anyone else responsible for last week's battle being a success? Arya's the only reason they succeeded. Stop pretending Jon was useful.
Then, because I needed reminding of university in 2008, the LADS are playing a fun drinking game with Brienne.
It's pretty cringe, but then it gets v awkward for bookfans when Tyrion, Jaime and Brienne discuss Tyrion's marriage prior to Sansa.[This marriage was to a woman called Tysha. Tyrion loved her immediately and, despite her being a commoner, married her. When Tywin discovered this, he told Jaime to tell Tyrion that Tysha was a whore who had been paid to make him a man. Tywin then had her gang-raped by his guards in their barracks; for each guard, he gave her a silver. To drive the lesson home, Tywin forced his son to be the last man, for whom Tysha was paid a gold coin, because Lannisters were worth more. Jaime later admits that Tysha was not a whore and, on his escape from King's Landing, asks Tywin where she went. When he responds "wherever whores go", Tyrion shoots him with the crossbow. Tyrion's murder of Tywin in the books is revenge for his lies about Tysha, who was just a low-born girl who loved Tyrion. This doesn't happen in the show. I think he murdered Tywin because he was mad at him for sleeping with Shae? It's a true travesty they overlooked it as it's a massive character development point for our Tyrion.]
Anyway, in the show, we have heard about Tysha being a whore and Tywin making Tyrion be the last to rape her but nothing further. It's a real sore point for book fans that they just skipped this bit out (maybe because they were worried about how it would colour Jaime?) and to bring it up in passing is a slap in the face.
WHATEVER BRIENNE YOU'RE A VIRGIN ANYWAY*
*paraphrased from Tyrion
Brienne and Jaime have sex and I don't hate it but I don't stan these two at all so I don't get a lot out of this scene if I'm honest. I always see them as friends that can't quite grasp their own friendship. I get respect for each other but never sexy vibez. I buy them getting together in the books too, I'm not against the relationship happening, but I'm just saying that this scene was not made for me. I'd just have rather something like this happened:
Speaking of stanned couples, Sansa is finally allowed to talk to the Hound.
[In case you don't know, SanSan stans believe that a relationship is forming between Sansa and Sandor Clegane and want it to happen so HARD. I'm very much on the fence with this as I am with the aforementioned Braime relationship but I think there's a lot more evidence for this one. The whole Beauty and the Beast motif, Sandor putting his cloak around Sansa after she's abused by Joffrey, her singing to him while he hides from the fire, and, of course, Sandor offering to take Sansa away from King's Landing to keep her safe]So, after that little lesson, you can imagine the build up this scene has had in some fans' minds. They were expecting big things and, for a while, things look like they might go well.
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| "Lol ur so right, it was all my fault am sorry i doubted u" |
Then... ugh:
"Heard you were broken in rough... None of it would have happened if you'd left KL with me"
Way to victim-blame, Sandor. It's not Sansa's fault she was raped and there were a hundred better ways to word this without making it a I TOLD YOU SO moment. Also, "broken in rough". Vom.
Even worse, Sansa agrees with this character assassination, holds his hands and says "without Littlefinger and Ramsey and all the rest, I would've remained a little bird all my life".
This is basically D&D saying that they made Sansa into who she is (a catty woman with the best ideas but who everyone ignores) by merging her character into another's and forcing that horrendous rape scene on her. The rape wasn't cruel and unnecessary according to them; it was mandatory for it to happen for character development.
I hate it I hate it I hate it.
Meanwhile, Jon and Dany can't decide if they're into incest or not. Dany says she wishes Jon had never told her but he insists it doesn't matter because he doesn't want the crown anyway, she's his queen. Dany's cool with this, if he promises not to tell anyone. He's fine with this because he was the same about his resurrection-
Meanwhile, Jon and Dany can't decide if they're into incest or not. Dany says she wishes Jon had never told her but he insists it doesn't matter because he doesn't want the crown anyway, she's his queen. Dany's cool with this, if he promises not to tell anyone. He's fine with this because he was the same about his resurrection-
Or maybe he'll just tell his siblings (via Bran) and tell them to keep it secret. WHAT A PLAN, JON.
[Side note: why can't Dany and Jon just get married ffs?! No one needs to know he's who he really is and, if it comes out, they're already married so they can share the throne?! She can't be usurped; he's her husband]
Prior to this scene, which cuts off just at the important part (thanks, guys), there's an awkward war room planning scene where Sansa is, yet again, the only one making sense and suggests they give their armies a chance to rest up. There's no rush now the WWs are dealt with - let's all just chill out and plan this properly with an army that hasn't just built 100 funeral pyres and isn't horrendously hungover. But, nope, Dany and Jon decide, with Tyrion's help, that pressing forward and travelling South is the best. Their plan? Starve out King's Landing. Solid idea. And Jaime is going to stay in Winterfell with Brienne over going back to King's Landing to face Cersei.
What thrilling TV these events will make. Both will definitely happen.
Oh yeah also there's a new Dornish prince but don't ask too many questions about that, okay?
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| Bronn's banter levels turned up to 11 |
Also, Bronn manages to pick a room at random in Winterfell and find Tyrion and Jaime sat behind it. I cannot express how much I hated this scene.
I feel like they wanted some humour this episode and they put it ALL in this five minute scene. It was hard going.
Tyrion offers Bronn Highgarden (what the actual fuck) and he accepts and promises not to do no murders on either of them.
"I will come and find you when the war is done"
Oh... okay. Was fun seeing you. Bye Bronn!
Then it's time for everyone to go and Arya is going with the ladz on the Kingsroad. She somehow manages to sneak up on The Hound whilst riding a horse right behind him (?) and they have yet another reunion chat. The Hound says he's never coming back and Arya agrees with him.
Wonder what Arya will do after King's Landing. Presumably roam around telling people she's no one but also she's Arya Stark and she's going home.
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| lol jk she's no one again |
Back inside Winterfell, Tyrion is about to leave but his Sansa senses are tingling and he knows something is wrong. Then, in what is described by D&D in the Inside the Episode as a "Littlefinger move", Sansa breaks her promise made in the godswood and tells Tyrion about Jon. Offscreen. You don't need to see that bit.
[No. Sansa wouldn't do this. There are other ways the news could have found its way to Tyrion or Varys (little birds anyone? Bran telling someone because they need to know and he's not Bran so he can't make vows anymore as the 3ER? Arya saying it to Dany in public because she's a ard nut?) but I don't like it having to be Sansa breaking her vow to Jon... because she hates Dany? Gah. They frame everything as women vs women. Also, this is definitely a Littlefinger move in terms of the character from the show. He was shit at manipulating people for an end goal and just fucked with people for no reason. In the books, he's actually good at what he does. Anyone can see this isn't a manipulation: this is Sansa trying to get one over on Dany because she hates her because #womenontop. Thank god she was "broken in rough", eh? Otherwise she'd never be able to plan master moves like this]
Anyway, the rest of the crew is readying themselves to leave when they finally reveal that Gilly is pregnant because "there's nothing else to do in Oldtown". I can't believe Sam and Jon are still around, casually chatting about breaking their NW oaths and Edd, who actually did everything he was supposed to, was bullied for not having sex with women (like he was meant to, it's a vow, you don't do that SAM) and then killed trying to rescue Sam who promised he'd stay in the crypts anyway. Ffs.
Also this happens:
I hate everyone. This is so lazy.
Just because you didn't want to CGI Ghost anymore. Why even bother writing him back in the show?
Why would he not be at home South of the Wall? He's with you, Jon. Where he's meant to be. He's a part of you. He's symbolic of so much shit I can't even begin.
Essentially, D&D really didn't get the point of direwolves because omg look drogens they so powerful and scary and Jon can ride one so he doesn't need a doggo any more.
HATE HATE HATE IT
[Also what sort of MONSTER gives their pet away and doesn't even stroke its head or cuddle it in some way? not even a goodbye? Fuck you Jon. Enjoy that dragon you prick]
Tyrion and Varys have a few different conversations about Sansa's revelation and their options pretty much boil down to them getting married. Varys has a few issues with this though: incest (*cough* Jaime and Cersei *cough*) and Dany being too 'hot-headed' for Jon.
[Keep an eye on this because this is going to be fun. D&D only have this and one more episode really to seed Dany as being paranoid and descending into madness now (one can assume from this heavy handed foreshadowing that this is what they're trying to do). It's going to be clunky and completely out of the blue and it's rubbish. Dany has been doing morally dubious and mad/paranoid things since Drogo died and we were expected to react by clicking our fingers and screaming YAS QWEEN because she was the underdog and we wanted her to get her throne. You can't decide mid-final-season to completely change a character arc to make your ending work. This is why you PLAN, guys.]
Okay and then the moment we've all been waiting for (well, those of us that read the leaks).
Dany is flying through the air, with a clear view of all that is below her. She approaches Dragonstone when Rheagal is hit by three crossbows. Who did this, you ask?
Why it's Euron and his entire fleet who were HIDDEN BEHIND A CLIFF!
They shot the scorpion crossbow things Qyburn invented THROUGH a cliff. Incredible scenes. Unfortunately, Euron and the fleet's aim gets really bad if the target isn't on the other side of the cliff and is flying directly at them. After they miss Dany and Drogon, they take aim at Dany's fleet instead.
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| Could she just shout Dracarys? Or just go behind them and burn them all? You're DAMN RIGHT SHE COULD |
Everyone regroups afterwards and we're not sure if there's been a lot of casualties or what but we do know Cersei knew how important Missandei was to Dany and has taken her hostage instead of killing her. She's also pregnant with Euron's baby and is letting all of the commonfolk into King's Landing in the hopes they will be a buffer between the 'mad' woman with the dragon and her.
Back in Dragonstone, they are discussing the kidnap of Missandei (we don't know how they know she's being held hostage and hasn't just died in the ambush).
Also, why not take more of Dany's people hostage? Tyrion was knocked out by that mast, right? Would he not have been the perfect hostage? THIS SHOW IS SO STUPID
Dany wants immediate vengeance and wants to burn Cersei rn ok I'm not waiting for Jon. Varys and Tyrion manage to talk her off the ledge and she sees the right thing to do is give Cersei the option to surrender before going in all drogens blazing.
We get some more "oop, she's going a bit crazy" chat from Tyrion and Varys and the latter seems to imply he's changing his loyalties.
Back Up Norf, Jaime is told what's happened and decides in the middle of the night to go back to King's Landing. Because Dany is 'mad' now and following in her father's footsteps? Because Jaime had to take matters into his own hands when her father tried to burn down King's Landing, taking masses of innocent lives with them, and he needs to stop Dany from doing the exact same thing? Poetic, him having to stop a mad Targaryen again, eh? And kill the rightful monarch?
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| Jaime's character development? |
Lol nope it's because Cersei is his "addiction" (another D&D classic quote from the Inside the Episode).
Remember the knighting? Remember how much you all loved the new, apologetic Jaime who was more about honour and doing the right thing? You could've kept him but NOPE. And don't come at me with the whole 'he was lying to Brienne to make sure she didn't follow him' theory -- D&D said it was because Cersei is his addiction. They wrote it. That's why he left.
Outside King's Landing, Dany and her laughable teeny army wait as Tyrion treats with Qyburn. Neither side are willing to surrender so Tyrion goes straight to the source and implores Cersei to think of her innocent baby (lol Euron must be confused by this, right?) and the innocent lives of others.
He tells her he knows she's not a monster.
I don't know why Dany is being built up to be a crazed monster when Cersei literally blew up the sept and murdered LOADS of people because they punished her for a crime she actually committed. How is Cersei being given empathy and Dany is being cast out for being a tyrant unwilling to recognise herself as one? Sigh.
Also, fun fact. Cersei sent someone to kill Tyrion. Now Tyrion stands before her, unarmed. She's not going to surrender and so she's going to piss off Dany and her army anyway. If she wants Tyrion dead, now's her opportunity right?
Nope she just lets him speak then beheads Missandei.
Quick Q: Why could this not have been Jorah instead? Why does he get the glory of going out protecting Dany (Missandei could've died in the crypts instead) and the woman of colour is taken hostage and brutally murdered in front of her? Everyone knew about Dany and Jorah but I'm not sure how memorable her relationship with Missandei was to the rest of Westeros.
Missandei's last word is "Dracarys", urging Dany to seek vengeance by setting fire to King's Landing and risking countless innocent lives. Yeah. Nice, calm, loving Missandei seems like the sort of person who would tell her queen to slaughter innocent people to avenge her life. She definitely wouldn't just say "valar morghulis", the phrase she interpreted for Dany back in Season 3 that would mean she was accepting of her death as we all must die. Nah. Fire and violence, please.
Anyway, Dany is SUPER ANNOYED and marches off towards her dragon as the episode ends.
I'm guessing, GUESSING, next week is a battle so that'll be fun. The big question is: will it be daylight?
Highlights:
- I didn't hate Braime
- That scene where I could see stuff for a bit
- Varys seeming willing to back Jon for the throne for the #tension
Lowlights:
- Continuity Errors [coffee cup, Gendry's surname... this show costs way too much to have embarrassing mistakes]
- Ghost
- Sandor being gross to Sansa
- Everything Euron did
- Cersei not killing Tyrion and him empathising with a mad woman
- Bronn
- What they did to Jaime
Summative Comment:
Every episode so far has confirmed the leaks I read a few months ago.
Everything is on fire.
The books are going to be fine.
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