Season Six, Episode Three

Okay so obviously we were all super excited to see what would happen next with Jon...

And, as it turns out, all we got was a lot of heavy breathing and staring at people in confusion.
Tbh, I don't have much to say about this whole first scene at The Wall.  I was utterly bored by it because it felt so anti climactic.

He's come back to life and he's exactly the same.  It's also very frustrating for me because I think that his resurrection is explicitly linked to Ghost and, after a cursory shot of him, he wasn't seen again all episode.
All in all, annoying and very disappointing. 
(Fun fact: 'Annoying and very disappointing' was the character description written for Olly way back in Season Four)

Then we cut to Sam and Gilly, on the journey to the Citadel because she had her baby swapped for the King Beyond the Wall because it needs protecting and also Jon needed to protect Sam and a new Maester because... reasons.

Sam is HI-LAR-IOUS and keeps being sick at dead funny times whilst he tells Gilly that she has to go and stay with his dad and also, presumably, tries to avoid looking at little baby Sam, who is still a little baby rather than his actual age (SERIOUSLY - how has he not any older?  Walda's baby is born and has died but this baby can't even grow?)
 Look at the baby.  LOOK AT IT.

Nervously, we move on to the Tower of Joy flashback scene with Bran.  These scenes make me the most terrified because they're all theoretical and we don't know for sure what happens and the series covering them in their slapdash, heavy-handed way just means they'll make huge assumptions.  Poorly.
Tbf, I really enjoyed the dialogue between Ned and Dayne here and I think it stood out as book dialogue, especially compared to Bran and Bloodraven's awkward small talk.

I did not enjoy the loss of a Kingsguard (I'm sure there were three...?) and the addition of a sword.  Why would Arthur Dayne have two swords?  Which one does Ned take back to Starfall?  SO MANY QUESTIONS.

We hear a scream from the tower and, as much as Bran and the audience want to stay at the Tower of Joy, we are dragged away to watch Bran throw a paddy to an old man in a tree rather than watching Lyanna and Ned and the promise.

Meanwhile, Dany, who still hasn't been given a horse despite clearly being a khaleesi and not a prisoner, has arrived at Vaes Dothrak and is basically threatened by another widow and, quite honestly, it's all so boring that I'm almost looking forward to Jorah and Daario crashing in to find her.

Almost.

After our little nap courtesy of the Dothraki, we get the pleasure of seeing the eunuch Varys flirt with some castrated Unsullied soldiers over them wearing leather.  Super creepy.
They bring in the prostitute that set up all the Unsullied to die (and Barristan </3) and was obv working for the Sons of the Harpy.  She moans about the FOREIGN soldiers working for the FOREIGN queen and she of course says all of this in the Common Tongue.  Sigh.
Varys threatens her or gets her onside or something and then we cut to Tyrion with Grey Worm and Missandei.
I don't know what the writing process was for this episode but they seem to have purposefully gone for the cheapest, cringiest laughs throughout and it's all so embarrassing.  Essentially, we have seven episodes of season six left (and only thirteen episodes of the final two seasons) and yet we have time to play I Have Never with Tyrion.

Varys then says something about his little birds aaaaaand...

#smoothseques are back in force

Qyburn is talking to his newly acquired little birds, despite Varys having been missing for an entire season.  And, when I say talking, I mean properly talking.  Yep.  These little birds can talk... Whatever.
Then Cersei and Jaime come to visit with Ser Robert Strong Ser Gregor.  HOW does everyone know it's Ser Gregor?  WHY are they openly talking about him being Gregor?  Surely the Dornish would still be demanding his head?  I mean, I know the Martells have been killed off unnecessarily but still... Plot?  No?
Despite Lena Headey smashing it in this scene, it feels a little out of place.  I feel like this bit where she tells Qyburn she wants everyone out there talking shit about her to pay would've worked before the scene where unGregor went and smashed that guy's head.  No?

Then, it's off to the Small Council and the Queen of Thorns being a bitch as per.  Kevan and Olenna make my feelings clear (cheers guys) about Cersei not being a queen and having no right to being on the small council.  You know what, you two?  Even though you didn't bring this up when it was needed last season, I'm willing to let it fly because you handled yourselves really well after the embarrassment that was the beginning of this scene (Pycelle +fart = humour lolz)

I mean, I'm pretty upset that the whole room continuously refers to Robert Strong as Ser Gregor Clegane but I can deal with it.  I'll be okay.

Until...
 Kevan says that she can't do anything about it unless she has "that thing murder us all".

He then, I presume, leaned into the camera and winked.  I wouldn't know because I was too busy whacking my head into a brick wall in frustration. #foreshadowing

I think there was a scene between the High Sparrow and Tommen but... Yawn.

OMG A MONTAGE
We get an Arya montage!
[Okay... Let me take this moment to tell you to go and watch Preston Jacobs' Season Six Watch (this week's episode).  He brings up every point I think of and many more and his take on this Arya moment is just incredible.  Don't ask questions, go with it and enjoy.]
Upsettingly, there are lots more questions directed at Arya about The Hound, strengthening their relationship where the show has weakened his relationship with Sansa.  It does seriously look like CleganeBowl will be happening and it may be Gregor n Cersei vs. Arya n Hound.
She gets her eyes back and she's officially no one now.

Everyone cheers and Jaqen's all YAAAS BITCH U DID IT #proud

Jaqen be like

Whilst Arya is no one, Ramsay is having fun in Winterfell.  Northern Lords are important now and one of the Umbers (I missed if it was Small or Great Jon and can't remember which one's around in the TV show) has popped into Winterfell to see the Boltons because Northern neighbours are the best neighbours.
This guy's pretty cheeky and calls everyone's dad a cunt (lulz) and moans about Jon letting the wildlings in.  Ramsay seems to think the Lannisters are going to allow him to continue to be Warden of the North after committing treason (fruitlessly, seeing as he never even got an heir from Sansa) and so can obv be lots of help to the Umbers...?
The Umber is weird and won't bend the knee but he has got a gift: Rickon Stark.

Seriously, though, as soon as we saw that trailer for this week's episode, we all knew this was Rickon, right?
Why does Game of Thrones pretend it's the most shocking show on TV and then give away everything it's going to do?
Or is it just people like me that have too much free time that notice these things?

He proves it's Rickon by presenting Ramsay with Shaggydog's head (a very small head for a direwolf -- is it really him?) and Ramsay is all, "Welcome home, Lord Stark" and you just know this kid is going to cause all sorts of shitty battles.

Finally, at the Wall, we're back to unJon, who has had the four traitors (was it just the four of them that stabbed him?) ready to be hanged.  He goes down the line and asks for their last words.  Alliser Thorne is defiant and says that he'd do it all again because Jon let the wildlings in...

Alliser, bbz, you let them in.

Olly's FUUUU face is excellent though; for once, they gave the audience what they wanted.  I felt no pleasure in his death tbh.  This whole scene, once again, was dead anti-climactic.
Have unJon go on a murderous spree.  Let him have his vengeance.

w/e

He gives Suddenly-Has-A-Personality-Beyond-Delorous Edd his cloak and storms off, saying that now his "watch has ended" and the episode is over.

Done.

Phew.

High Points:
I struggled with this this week.
Young Ned and Arthur Dayne dialogue
Lena Headey's acting with Qyburn

Low Points:
Arthur Dayne having two swords
People calling Ser Robert Strong Ser Gregor openly
The boring bits - Dany, Tommen and the High Sparrow, Arya...

3/10
5 points awarded for Ghost's appearance
1 point deducted for Dayne's extra sword
1 point deducted for Shaggydog's head
1 point deducted for 'Ser Gregor'

Tbf, nothing will ever be as bad as Episode One of Season Six (I hope) but this did not go any way to make it particularly better.

See you next week!
I promise I will live tweet at 2am as well as blogging that evening.