We start off our bore-a-thon at The Wall, where Jon and Edd are just having a chat about what Jon's gonna do for his holidays and Jon's all 'get warm?' and him and Delorous Edd just crack up because it turns out bringing Jon back from the dead makes him a stand up comic and his one liners are so on point that I had to google 'smug smile gif' in an attempt to show you how proud he was of himself.(In all seriousness, this start was stupid so I wanted a picture of John McClane to cheer me up. #noragrets)
In other news, Sansa &Co. have arrived at the Wall already because what even is geography? I knew this was coming but I hadn't prepared myself enough for it because, honestly, I found the whole reunion thing so painful and awkward...
Am I making this up or have Jon and Sansa never had any interaction in the entire six seasons of this show? I feel like they haven't. Even in the books, their relationship isn't really explained - GRRM leaves it pretty open, if I'm remembering correctly. I think the fact that nothing is ever really said between them is kind of the point. They don't hate each other. They're not mean to each other. They merely exist in close proximity to one another, each of them tolerating the other. They were never brother and sister to one another but that means nothing because they just weren't anything together. Now, I'll buy the fact that, even if they were never close, they both just needed a cuddle -- they've been through a lot -- but I cannot accept Sansa apologising to Jon. Sansa, we all know you didn't do anything wrong anyway but, even if you did, I think we can all just move the fuck on, yeah? Bigger fish and all that?
Much to my dismay, the scene continues with 'good soup' (the cooks are obviously using up the last of the Watch's food stores just to impress Sansa) and, if I'm not mistaken, some solid Jon/Sansa flirting.
FLIRTING
Then, Sansa proves just how much of a "major player" she's become since being raped last season by demanding that Jon and the wildlings march on Winterfell to take their home back. She also mentions Bran and Rickon and the two of them just gloss over it without any solid discussion about how they're alive. She wants his help but she'll do it herself if he doesn't. Super empowered. Jon isn't for fighting at all; he's tired of fighting and he just wants to go be warm in the South, somewhere he can crack jokes apparently. I'd love to know what his actual plan was before Sansa the Genius suggested this.
Was it anything to do with all those Others? Maybe going to fight them?
Ah, no. Can't be -- they're North.
unJon has no time for worrying about Winter coming, nor about the White Walkers starting the Longest Night. Let him go warm up in the South.
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| SOLID PLAN JON AND SANSA |
And he won't be Warden of the North because all the Northern Lords are turning against the Starks for no apparent reason.
#logic
Then we get this exchange:
Davos: "What happened to Shireen?"
Brienne: "I saw what happened"
Okay. But. You didn't, did you, Brienne? She then completely ignores his original question about Shireen and, instead, talks about Renly (get over it, Brienne) and black magic and Davos looks all awkward because he used to feel this way before his character did a complete 180 and then he loved magic and even knew about resurrection. Brienne proceeds to rubs the execution of Stannis in Davos' face. She then walks off.
Brilliant. Now Davos knows exactly what happened to Shireen.
Finally moving away from The Wall, we get the glorious return of Sweetrobin who, despite a bit of greasy hair, is looking pretty well considering he's so sickly and suffers from serious seizures. Royce is a miracle worker. Then, the moment we've been waiting for, Baelish returns! AND HE HAS A FALCON! As much as I'd love to think this is all symbolic and Robert Arryn can actually skinchange etc, I just think the writers thought bringing a falcon in would be fucking cool. Sigh.
So, after being home for approx 2.5 seconds, he appears to have hypnotised Sweetrobin to agree with everything he suggests - hey let's kil Royce, nahh let's not be tight, hey shall we go get Sansa? Cool let's start a war.
So. Let's clarify for a sec. Littlefinger, the guy OBSESSED with the game of thrones, kidnapped Sansa, took her to the Eeyrie, married her aunt, pretended she was his bastard for like a day, killed her aunt, got custody of Sweetrobin, left Sweetrobin behind, married Sansa off to the Boltons despite her still being married, told Cersei that the Boltons were committing treason, disappeared and then reappeared in the Eeyrie, got Sweetrobin back and is now in for war to go back to the beginning and get Sansa again?
Also, you lose major points for using the word 'fray' and not have it be about the actual Freys.
#RIPWalda
What next? Obviously, we need to have Tyrion quoting Tyrion to start off the Tyrion scenes. #smoothsegues
Now, tbh, this bit was SO boring I zoned out (I will try and stop doing this but, really, D&D should try and make better TV that keeps me interested) but I do remember wondering how the slavers knew that Varys was a eunuch and also how long Messandei and Grey Worm are going to put up with this level of Tyrion condescension. Seriously, how much screen time is going to be wasted on Tyrion's brilliant plans? Yawn.
I also especially enjoyed Tyrion's poor Valyrian resulting in the line "we speak the Common Tongue". Of course they do. Who in Mereen fucking doesn't?!
Cut to Daario basically slamming Jorah for being old and for never having sex with Dany. They then lie down on a hillside and look at Vaes Dothrak.
Whilst checking out the situation, Jorah gives the whole back story about Vaes Dothrak to Daario, which he definitely could've done on the journey over but then how else would we have had our time wasted? He reminds Daario that they can't take weapons in and he's obviously hesitant.
Daario then, very calmly, notices Jorah's greyscale through the convenient hole in his top. Serious question now: did Jorah rip this hole in his top just so he could look at his greyscale on the regs more conveniently? He does so love to just stare at it wistfully.
There's then a whole thing where they invade and attack some Dothraki bloodriders, which causes a problem, according to Jorah. He says that a stab wound means the 'whole city will be looking' for them. Them specifically apparently. However, Daario solves this problem by bashing in the head with a rock. This way, yes they've broken the sacred no blood being spilled rule but the whole city... moves on? I don't know.
Meanwhile, Dany's chatting with the Dosh Khaleen and has managed to make a friend. Yay for friends. Speaking of friends (#smoothseques), Daario and Jorah pop up out of nowhere and Dany isn't surprised at all; she just doesn't want them to hurt her new BFF. Dany. WHY aren't you shocked? I mean, I saw them making their way to you and even I was still surprised they made it so quickly.
No matter. She has a plan. I mean, her plan is so much better than just running out in the cover of darkness because they won't make it out alive, even though they clearly made it in a-ok. We don't get to hear the plan but she'll need the new friend's help as well as Jorah and Daario's.
No matter. She has a plan. I mean, her plan is so much better than just running out in the cover of darkness because they won't make it out alive, even though they clearly made it in a-ok. We don't get to hear the plan but she'll need the new friend's help as well as Jorah and Daario's.
There's also a lovely moment where Dany smiles at Jorah and everything's great between the two of them because why wouldn't it be?
Next, onto Kings' Landing and the High Sparrow (challenging Tyrion for most screen time this season!) and Margaery and they're just shooting the shit about her family and how he thinks they're all sin and that's why she can't be freed (Cersei went back to the Lannisters but that's okay - they seem like good people) but also, whilst we talk about your family, do you want to go and see your brother? #logic
Next, onto Kings' Landing and the High Sparrow (challenging Tyrion for most screen time this season!) and Margaery and they're just shooting the shit about her family and how he thinks they're all sin and that's why she can't be freed (Cersei went back to the Lannisters but that's okay - they seem like good people) but also, whilst we talk about your family, do you want to go and see your brother? #logic
Loras is not doing very well at all, despite Margaery reminding him that he's the future of their house because they don't appear to have any other brothers and, luckily, he's not in the Kingsguard in the show but he's not having any of it.
"I just want it to stop"
Same here, bbz.
It basically ends with Loras saying he doesn't care if they win; he just wants it all to stop. I can't help but feel like him confessing to his crime and dealing with his punishment would stop it all but I could be wrong... It looks like the High Sparrow is doing a bit of plotting to make Margaery... do... something?
Meanwhile, Pycelle is talking to Tommen about the High Sparrow until Cersei interrupts and chucks him out (I hate myself for enjoying his smirk at her on his way out). There's then a whole exchange where Cersei reminds Tommen how much she hates the High Sparrow. Her hating the Faith Militant is kind of like Alliser and the Wildlings... It's totally your fault anyway so you're not allowed a new opinion on it now it's not worked out. Then, there's a mystery as Tommen The Dull reveals that the High Sparrow has told him...
Cersei then chooses to interrupt the 'small council meeting', consisting solely of Kevan and Olenna. Very small council. She drops a few random truth bombs that were said in such a blase way I felt I should already know about them. Like... Did we know that Cersei's trial's in a few days? That's not been mentioned right? Anyway, she tells Olenna that Margaery will have to do the walk of shame "I just want it to stop"
Same here, bbz.
It basically ends with Loras saying he doesn't care if they win; he just wants it all to stop. I can't help but feel like him confessing to his crime and dealing with his punishment would stop it all but I could be wrong... It looks like the High Sparrow is doing a bit of plotting to make Margaery... do... something?
Meanwhile, Pycelle is talking to Tommen about the High Sparrow until Cersei interrupts and chucks him out (I hate myself for enjoying his smirk at her on his way out). There's then a whole exchange where Cersei reminds Tommen how much she hates the High Sparrow. Her hating the Faith Militant is kind of like Alliser and the Wildlings... It's totally your fault anyway so you're not allowed a new opinion on it now it's not worked out. Then, there's a mystery as Tommen The Dull reveals that the High Sparrow has told him...
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| The Kings' Landing Effect |
For some reason, Mace is not present at the meeting, nor is he in charge of his own army so it is agreed. Kevan will take no action and will stand down when the attack happens. They are aware it could cause civil war but they don't care.
Whatever Tommen's secret is, this plan makes little to no sense and was, all in all, super boring. Let's move on to something that makes a little more sense...
NOPE. NOPE WE CAN'T.
I can't put this into words so enjoy my reaction to Pyke from the live tweeting at 2am this morning:
'Yara' is totally harsh with Theon (VICTIM BLAME MUCH?) and is super suspicious of Theon's arrival because it's a great coincidence that Balon just happened to die just as Theon escaped and he just made it back just in time for the Kingsmoot.
Welcome to Game of Thrones writing, 'Yara'.
For some reason, Theon agrees to help her win the Kingsmoot and we move on without seeing Euron because why would we need to when...
RAMSAY TIME
So Game of Thrones have officially run out of story ideas and just rehash the scene from Season Two when Osha attempted to seduce the Lord of Winterfell (Theon, if you've forgotten).
But this time it ends in death because Ramsay needed to be hated even more.
BACK TO THE WALL
(I feel like I've used the Lil Jon reference too many times so have just resorted to all caps)
Whatever, the food is bad now #logic
Tormund is dead into Brienne because giants #lolbanter
It's all pretty predictable until we get the Pink Letter and every book fan's heart is in their mouth as they wonder if they're actually going to do it and if we're actually going to find out who it is (NB: I don't think we will because I'm convinced it's Mance and obv that can't happen here but whatever). The seal doesn't match the standard Bolton wax seal and we know Ramsay has a maester (so it should've come by raven) so, if this was the books, I'd say these are both good signs that the letter is not actually from Ramsay. However, I have very little faith in the TV show and wouldn't be surprised if it just turned out to be him (especially as his teaser trailer for season six had him saying, "Winterfell is mine, come and see")
I would love for it to be Stannis or the Umbers but we'll just have to wait it out.
Some things that did irritate me, though:
Why are they surprised about Rickon?
Sam told Jon and Sansa was told by Theon so they know he's around. And, if they know Rickon was meant to be with the Umbers like that guy on Twitter told me they did during our mild fracas about this scene, then why was there not a further discussion about the disloyalty of the Northern lords?
How does Sansa guess stuff so well?
Oh it's signed Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North? Roose is dead and Ramsay's killed him. We know that. Newsflash, Sansa -- you don't.
Why is Cersei not punishing the Boltons for the treason?
I know she's got a lot on atm but nothing's being said or done? She's not stripping Ramsay of the title of Warden of the North? No wonder everyone's mouthing off about the Lannisters -- it's the perfect crime. A 0.0001% chance of getting your head bashed in by an undead Gregor (yeah, it's Gregor, everyone knows that) but otherwise, pretty good odds about keeping your illegitimate hold on the North. Nice one.
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| #mood |
Sansa The Military Genius:
"Northern families are loyal. They'll fight for you if you ask"
Awkward.
This gets a slow nod of approval from Jon but no actual lines. Do you get it? Sansa is the one in control?
Such empowerment. So deep. Many feminism.
And, finally this evening, it's time to see how Dany's plan will work out. I can only imagine it'll go well. So you know how the Dosh Khaleen (the widows, you know, the women) have all the power in Vaes Dothrak? Yeah, no, they don't. At all. All the Khals (the MEN) are discussing how blood being spilled is not really a big deal if the guy who's bleeding has been a dick to the khal. #logic
Dany is brought in, there's a discussion between the men about what to do and Dany pipes up, causing Khal #1 to tell her that she has "no voice here unless [she is] Dosh Khaleen". This is said whilst none of the Dosh Khaleen are allowed to be present to make this decision. #logic
Never mind, they decide to just let the crazy woman monologue and wander around freely until she suggests leading the Dothraki (you know, the group of people who do not have one leader, they have several 'packs' led by individual khals and there are tensions between each one?) herself.
Khal #1 is not down with this so decides to inflict mass rape on Dany instead. She has this weird frozen smile on her face, which is quite honestly the most emotion I've seen from her all season, until...
CONVENIENT TORCH IS CONVENIENT
How did her minions help her plan? Daario and Jorah helped by stabbing the guards and locking the door. The woman...?
Dany continues to throw the torches (probably not the right word but idc) towards the men as they burn to death.
Outside, all the Dothraki are crowding around as the doors conveniently burn away and out steps Dany. Naked. #logic
THINGS CONVENIENT FIRE BURNS OFF DANY:
- Clothes
THINGS CONVENIENT FIRE DOES NOT BURN OFF DANY:
- Hair
- Hair band
- Smug look on face
All of the Dothraki, the people who hate black magic, bow down like she's a god. Jorah and Daario walk forward and bow down, too. Daario is truly mesmerised, presumably by boobs.
Obviously, I'm angered by this scene.
Here are some reasons:
1) It's been done once. First the Osha repeat, now this. Stop plagiarising your own plots.
2) Neither Dany, nor any of the Targaryens, are fireproof. George RR Martin has even stated this in interviews. The first time it happened, there was a comet and a witch burning and black magic being used and dragons and all sorts (also her hair burned off). It was a one off.
"TARGARYENS ARE NOT IMMUNE TO FIRE! The birth of Dany's dragons was unique, magical, wonderous, a miracle." - GRRM (source)3) Why did she have to be naked? Fire doesn't work like this.
4) There was NO OTHER logical way to get her out of Vaes Dothrak? No way that was more likely to succeed? With fewer variables?
High Points
Jorah's nifty greyscale-viewing hole
Low Points
The lack of logic applied throughout
The rehashed storylines
2 /10
1 for Shame Septa's appearance
1 for Sweetrobin's sweet new falcon
2 for Jorah's customisation skillz
-2 for the plots that've been used before
Excitement Levels for next week:
I tried to be positive, I swear.
Catch me on Twitter at 2am next Monday like an absolute suckaaa. @noneedtomoan
If you don't currently live tweet, you should. Where else will you see such real life juxtaposition?
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