Season Six, Episode Six

A quick explanation if you're new here:
First of all, hi!  Thanks for joining us.  I'm Unnecessary Moaner and I love to rant about things in an insanely intense way (see: my open letter to TheLadBible about their poor grammar skills).  Atm, I'm focusing of the HBO series 'Game of Thrones' and I post a weekly review of the newest episode.

#life

Now, full disclosure: I am a book reader (I explain more about that here and here) but that is not the reason why I dislike the latest seasons of the show.
I attempted to rewatch all of season five and review every episode before season six started.  Admittedly, that didn't work out too well but I have been reviewing every season six episode as it comes out (I'm also live tweeting each episode and am regularly moaning on Twitter - @noneedtomoan) and, let's just say I'm not impressed.
Go catch up on my reviews of previous episodes if you haven't already (E1, E2, E3, E4 & E5) and prepare yourselves for some brutal honesty.

If you're not new, welcome back!  Thanks for sticking with me.
It means a lot to know that I'm not talking to myself.

Right.  Let's delve into this mess, shall we?
Before we start, remember that we left Episode Five with Hodor holding the door against those quick-moving and super strong and HUNDREDS of Others White Walkers and with us all wondering how far Meera could drag Bran away before the zombies wights ate killed Hodor and caught up with them.  Well, it turns out, DEAD FAR because, in Episode Six, Meera is still dragging Bran and has got a huge head start.  The White Walkers are miles away. 

Let's discuss this for a second. 
Hodor is holding the door (actually, this is Bran FORCING Hodor to do this and killing him by doing so but I digress).  He's holding off the horde of White Walkers.  However, Meera had only managed to get about five footsteps away from the door by the time the White Walkers had caught up and started ripping Hodor to pieces.  This means that Hodor was already dying before Meera's made a clean getaway.   
So how long did Hodor hold the door?  Was his dead body just propping up the door? 
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

Sigh.  Too much. 
Anyway, when Meera eventually begins to flag (she should enter Westeros' Strongest Woman), we get to see Bran, who is still having visions.  These visions seem to be the whole history of Westeros, including Aerys' death and, fleetingly, a woman in bed covered in blood. 
In shocking news, putting aside the logic of this, I did actually enjoy it -- seeing Aerys was a particular treat.  However, the joy was obviously short lived, as Bran woke up soon after and told Meera (whilst smiling?) that the Others had found them. 
Fear not, though, for a mysterious man on a horse arrives and kills the ten Others who had caught up.  He then drags Bran and Meera onto his horse and then hurries out of there before the rest of the White Walkers (who are all inexplicably slower than the first wave of attacking Others because TENSION) arrive.

Honestly, I was pretty excited by the arrival of Coldhands.  My cold, dead, A Song of Ice and Fire loving heart grew three sizes just knowing that he was included.
Even I knew that this joy wouldn't last long.

It didn't.  We hopped over to Sam and Gilly, the only people in Westeros who are not in possession of a teleportation device (their journey is taking FOREVER).  They've somehow only just made it to Horn Hill, which is blatantly a huge palace rather than a castle but w/e.

#foreshadowing, Game of Thrones style

As they're pulling up to the mansion, Sam has a long conversation with Gilly, reminding her that she has to pretend Baby Sam (still, inexplicably, a fucking BABY) is Sam's son.  He's also like, "Hey, remember that my dad doesn't like wildlings, okay?  Don't tell him, yeah?"
He then turns to the camera and shouts, 'HEY MY DAD'S TOTALLY GOING TO FIND OUT GILLY'S A WILDLING, AMIRIGHT GUYS?' 
Before we meet Randyll, though, Gilly, Sam and MANALIVEHOWISHESTILLABABY? Sam meet Sam's mother and sister who are super excited to meet Sam's bastard son and the peasant woman he broke his sacred vows for because LOGIC.  They are SO nice, it's almost as if they're purposefully being made out to be sweet little cinnamon rolls to juxtapose against someone else who's going to be mean or something...?  Weird.

Then there's a really sudden cut to Kings' Landing and Tommen and the High Sparrow, which is quite offputting tbh but I am so happy to be away from Sam and Gilly, I'll take it.  They have a bit of a chat and the High Sparrow then allows Tommen to visit Margaery. 

#slyMargissly

She tells him how bad a person she is and how, even when she was doing good things, it was only to be seen being good and to get people to love her.  Now, none of this is news to us -- it's been made clear in the show that Marg is a sly bitch.
It is, however, news to Tommen, who repeatedly tells her that she's a nice person.  Margaery says lots of weirdly ominous religious statements and the audience is prepared for some shit to go down.
NO TIME FOR THIS RIGHT NOW THOUGH
We get another seriously sudden jump back to Sam and Gilly, who are obviously very very important (...?)
Gilly has been bathed so that she doesn't look quite so much like a wildling anymore and then we get a seriously awkward family dinner because we haven't had one since Ramsay and Sansa in Season Five and we love seeing stuff we've already seen.

Credit where credit's due, casting for Randyll Tarly is sheer PERFECTION.  He is awful. 

<3

He is horrifically mean and exactly how I imagined.  Whilst he's being super horrible to Sam, calling him fat and a wimp and a failure and everything, for some reason, Gilly 'Miss. Sass' Wildling decides to stand up for Sam.  She tells everyone how brave Sam has been in the past, including killing a White Walker.  This is scoffed at because no one believes in them and Gilly is defiant in her response: he killed one "on our way down to Castle Black".

Ffs, Gilly.

Randyll, being the observant guy that he is, notices this heavy handed 'hint' that Gilly maybe wasn't from around these parts and proceeds to SLAM into Gilly and Sam.  He points out Heartsbane, the family sword that Sam will never get because he will never deserve it, on the wall (#foreshadowing).  The women on the table take Gilly away (#feminism). 
Sam is left being berated by his dad until he finally finishes his ranting and tells Sam that he'll allow 'the wildling girl' to work in the kitchens and raise baby Sam as a Tarly but Big Sam will never be allowed to return to Horn Hill again.  Now, is it just me that thinks this is a GREAT deal from Randyll?  Allowing the bastard baby to be raised in a noble family?  Letting the WILDLING woman stay South of the Wall, with a job and a roof over her head?  #niceguyRandyll
Sam says goodbye to Gilly and walks out and we all wonder if Baby Sam will be a toddler by the time Sam has qualified as a maester until Sam decides to walk back into Gilly's room for REASONS.  He's like, "meh, FUCK IT, let's just run away together."

Oh, and he steals Heartsbane.

Why?  Why Sam?  WHY?
You hate your father and everything he stands for.  You will never be the person he wants you to be -- the person who deserves this sword.  Why would you take this symbol for the family name that you left behind when you took your vows?  Also, why do you need it?  You're running away... Where?  To the Citadel?  When Gilly can't stay there?  Back to the Wall?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING AND WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NEED THE SWORD?

Ugh.
Time for some comic relief - let's watch Arya watch some actors portray Joffrey's death.  At first, she's laughing at Joffrey's slow and painful choking but then she sees the actress playing Cersei and... feels... sorry for her?  No, that can't be right.
Arya hates Cersei.  She's on her kill list.  This actress is her mission.  There's no way that she feels sympathy for her or the actress.  To prove this, she goes backstage and puts the poison in the actress' rum.  But, because coincidence, Lady Crane spots Arya in tonight's episode, unlike last week, when she stood two steps away from her, staring deeply at her, unnoticed.  Lady Crane has a little chat with Arya, who encourages her to rewrite the play because, "it'll just be farting, belching and slapping without you" and the show writers go beyond purposeful irony and pass through the other side, to ignorant stupidity.  Book fans have been screaming this at George RR Martin since Season Four.
Anyway, long story short, Arya pushes the glass out of Lady Crane's hand because she's decided that the actress who plays Cersei is so good she can be forgiven for what she's doing she shouldn't die.

#accidentalirony

Arya pins the attempted murder on the actress playing Sansa and hightails it out of there to retrieve Needle.  The waif spots her, tells Jaqen (who is literally PEELING OFF a man's face) what's happened and is rewarded by being allowed to kill Arya, but she's not allowed to let her suffer.

 Again, please note how much Richard E. Grant has been WASTED.

Back to King's Landing and the plan that was never doomed to failure at all: the Tyrells and Lannisters vs. the Faith Militant.  Mace, looking awesome in his hat, is leading the 'second largest army in Westeros' to save his daughter from her walk of shame.  Jaime is also there, as is Olenna for some reason.  At this point, I realised that Margaery's hair hadn't been shaved and so knew that she wasn't doing her walk at all.  However, Mace and Jaime are not this observant and start shouting at the High Sparrow that they want Margaery and Loras freed... but mainly Marg if we're honest because Loras is nowhere to be seen and no one mentions him again.
Then, the High Sparrow plays his trump card: Tommen is on HIS side! (What the whaaaaaaat?!)

Me every week, watching Game of Thrones.

Tommen has agreed to a Holy Alliance between the Faith and the Crown and I am officially confused -- is this not what Cersei was trying to do?
Then, after what I imagine was a very awkward exit of the armies, we see Tommen sending Jaime away a la Barristan (because why bother coming up with new storylines?)  He apparently is no longer fit to be the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, at least "not in this city".

Ooh, did someone insinuate about the Riverlands?  #smoothsegues
WALDER FREY LIVES!
He's still old and gross and married to a young girl and screaming at some other Freys (his sons?) that he can't believe they lost Riverrun to the Blackfish (tbf, I can't either).  The FreyBoys explain that they don't have enough men to get it back.

Maybe the point was just Edmure having a great time?

I obviously begin to scream 'WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THE RED WEDDING THEN?' at the TV.

Obviously, they don't bother explaining this.  Instead, they wheel out Edmure, who's been in the Frey dungeons since his wedding!  How could they let the Blackfish take Riverrun when they had a Tully hostage, you ask?  REASONS.

I've no idea how show fans felt during all this; I'm 90% sure they don't know who any of these people are.

Not to worry, we're back to important people now: Jaime and Cersei. 

My brain hurts.

Jaime is openly screaming about 'our son', which is no probs because why would it be?  He's fuming about being sent away to fight the Blackfish (#smoothsegues) but Cersei assures him that he needs to take his place, leading the army (even though he's officially not in the Kingsguard anymore but what even is logic?)

He doesn't want to go though because he needs to be there for Cersei's trial, which is still a thing apparently.  She reminds him that she has Ser Robert Strong The Mountain and then they passionately embrace because of course they are still in love. 
"We are the only two people in the world" because who cares about their son? 
Not Jaime, who was shouting about his son a minute ago.  Certainly not Cersei, who was mega paranoid about Maggy the witch's prophecy about her children dying in Season Five (and still in Episode One of Season Six...) because #continuity.  I can't... I can't even try to apply logic to any of this scene.

Speaking of illogical storylines, Bran and Meera are talking to Coldhands, who explains that 'the three-eyed raven sent for me'.  Then, he uses his not-black hands to pull down his hood to reveal...

FYI, GRRM has confirmed that Coldhands is NOT Benjen ^^

 

HE'S ONLY BLOODY BENJEN, ISN'T HE?
Sigh.
There's then some nonsense explanation about how he's kind of a White Walker but not really: he was stabbed in the gut by one but then the Children of the Forest stabbed him with the dragon glass and now he's all better!  Well, undead, but BETTER.
He also spouts some nonsense about him being in touch with the three eyed raven and now Bran is the 'new' three eyed raven and he will be there to defeat the Night's King.
Bran insists he isn't ready (he's seen some visions of the history of Westeros, inexplicably immediately after warging into and murdering Hodor) but BenjenHands is not fazed by this.
He may not be fazed but I want to die.  I hate all of it.

Let's move on to Dany for some super excitement.

She's talking to Daario about her plans.  She needs ships because the Dothraki aren't definitely scared of water.  Anyway, Daario explains that no one has that big of a fleet.  And Dany replies...  

"YET"

#foreshadowing

Christ.
There's little time to contemplate any of this, though, because Dany has noticed sand swirling in the wind and must investigate. Alone.
[NB: This is said in Dothraki, and Daario blatantly understands it because #logic]

Of course, convenient Drogon is convenient and he pops by to pick Dany up... Oh, wait, she's already riding him. She must have mounted him mid-air. Shame we didn't get to see that. I bet it was well impressive.  She lands and proceeds to give ANOTHER motivational speech. Seriously, Dany, just start doing stuff, will you? 

#coolspeechbro

Unfortunately, Dany has been to the LeBouf School of Motivation and so just proceeds to

SHOUT

INDIVIDUAL

WORDS

in the hope it'll really move everyone to want to follow her to the ends of the world.


And, obviously, it works! The khalasar all start cheering and going mental and Daario's smiling because he understands Dothraki now.

And, suddenly, it's all over.
It's impressive, how they can write about nothing happening and yet still ruin everything.
Truly skillful.


High Points
Randyll Tarly
The unintentional irony of the poor quality of the play

Low Points
Benjen being Coldhands and people thinking something has been #confirmed
Samwell Tarly
The general banality of the entire episode

5 marks for Randyll Tarly
-2 for ignoring GRRM's clear instructions about Coldhands
-1 for Sam taking Heartsbane
-1 for Dany's boring scene being the finale

1/10
(basically all for Randyll)

Can you believe we're over half way through?
NOTHING'S HAPPENED!

Only four more episodes to go.
Go follow me on Twitter for regular ranting.

If not, I'll see you next Monday!