Season Six, Episode Seven

Welcome back, gang!
Believe it or not, we are already up to episode seven.  We're over half way through the season and I genuinely can't believe it. (mainly because nothing's really happened yet)

Anyway, we start off with a cold open, really throwing me off. Of course, it's the return of Sandor! <3

I wonder if anyone was really surprised about this; most fans I know have known about it for so long that we've been expecting it since the start of season six… But this could just be the level of fandom we're at.
As much as it pains me to admit it, I was the stupidest amount of HYPE when I saw him.  Expected or not, it was SO good to have him back.  Even if the cold open was incredibly transparent and only done to get an 'OMG NO WAYY THE HOUND YAAAS!!1' reaction from the masses, the fangirl in me reacted exactly the way the show runners wanted and I am mildly embarrassed about it.  Apologies.
Not to worry though, Unnecessary Moaner returned almost immediately after the titles.

We rejoin Ian McShane reading through his monologue (presumably entitled, 'ExpositionExpositionBackStoryTellEveryoneHowAliveTheHoundIs') as Sandor digs graves chops wood.  After a little chat about how Sandor was basically dead and how McShane is not very religious at all seemingly, Brienne arrives not much else happens.  McShane definitely doesn't tell us that the Hound is dead so all the fans will still be calling him that, which is great news because his character didn't really need any sort of development; it makes much more sense for him to stay the same forever.

But then all the fun is over because we must return to Margaery and the High Sparrow.  Yes.

Marg bbz get a new wig plz

This is the storyline that everyone cares about.  The High Sparrow gets EVEN MORE screen time for some reason, as he asks Margaery why she's stopped having sex with The Boy Tommen.  Come on Marg, take one for the team.
There's lots more religious talk until the High Sparrow tells Margaery that her family's full of sinners and she shouldn't go back to them.  High Sparrow says that they're all bad but Olenna is definitely a sinner.
There's no real explanation offered for why Olenna is being portrayed as a sinner but, speaking of Olenna, HERE'S OLENNA (#smoothsegues).  She's having a proper go at Margaery because, like us, she doesn't believe her new-found goodness.  She tells her that they marched for her… Handily missing out the fact that they basically waited AN ENTIRE SEASON to do it.
Then Olenna asks the question we've been wondering for a while -- where the fuck is Loras?  Marg comes up with some nonsense about him giving up his name and returning to Highgarden as a nobody as punishment and Olenna scoffs because there's no way that the only Tyrell heir is going to do that.

THE. ONLY. HEIR.

Give me stength.

Anyway, the boring religious stuff goes on a long time but then WHAT'S THIS?  Super stealthy secret note passing of the Season Five Littlefinger variety?  Oooh.  Whatever can it be?
It's… It's a drawing of a rose.
Excuse me whilst I faint with excitement.

HEY REMEMBER WHEN IT WAS WINTER AND IT USED TO SNOW?
#repeatingbestplotlines

We join Jon Snow somewhere in the North (we know because there's a little bit of snow and there hasn't been for ages) and he's trying to convince the wildlings to follow him on the march to Winterfell.

A couple of things:

1) Who decided Jon was the best person to rally these men?  He has an INCREDIBLY dull voice and personality and Tormund is literally standing right there.  He's doing most of the leg work anyway.  Why not let him lead the conversation, eh?
2) How have the whole gang got THIS far on their journey before someone's double checked that the wildlings are on board?  If they're not on board, why did they leave Castle Black with them all?
3) WHERE ARE THEY?
4) Why does Jon not care about the Others any more?  I understand he may care about revenge against Ramsay more at this point (although I really can't understand that - I just assume that will be the argument given here), but he seriously just glosses straight over the army of the Living Dead that will soon be North of the Wall.
5) Since when are wildlings stupid, Tormund?
6) Did someone seriously make a reference to Mance and a pile of bones?  Are the show runners just rubbing our faces in the book plots they ignored now? (Rattleshirt? Just me?)

Shout out to my man Wun Wun, though, for noticing the sudden continuity error with the weather.

"Snow?"

We were all thinking it, lad.


After the break, we are given the lovely gift that is MORE KING'S LANDING.
Cersei has, presumably, come to gloat to Olenna that her grand daughter isn't a scheming bitch any more (AHHHH IN YOUR FACE OLENNA) but instead is faced with the undeniable truth that she has made utterly ridiculous decisions with no basis in logic in the show.  Olenna reminds her that all of her family have left her - her children (mostly dead or srsly religious), her brother… She does completely forget Kevan Lannister (you know, the man that she served with on the tiniest Small Council?) but, in fairness, burns her good and we all forget logic and plot holes and cheer as she tells us she's leaving.

NEXT SCENE: Jaime and Bronn arriving at a rather Spring-looking Riverrun.

THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWNNNNN

Bronn makes some cock jokes and picks on Jaime for his disability because I suppose Tyrion's not in this episode and they had some great jokes they wanted to use anyway.
I hate that Bronn is this big of a character.  Seriously, at one point, Jaime says to him, "you can be the right hand I lost" and, if they hadn't have included the Yara kiss at the end of the show, I would've sworn that they'd have had Jaime lean over and full on snog Bronn's face off.
Get a room, boys.
There are Frey men in silly hats to deal with.

One of said Freys tries to get Blackfish to come out by threatening to kill Edmure Tully (lol there are so many characters here that show watchers must seriously be like "WHAT? WHO?" about) but Blackfish is super cool and all, "GO ON THEN" and the Frey guy doesn't go on then. #tense
Jaime sees all of this and thinks that he can solve all the problems by hitting people with his golden hand (that thing is SO useful) and bossing people around.  He leaves Bronn to tell the boys how best to secure a castle during a siege and we do not question the sellsword's ability to be a military mastermind for he is Bronn and Bronn is dead funny.
NB: Bronn is also always really tanned… Where is he staying between bro trips?  Wherever it is, it's not Winter there either. #Winterisnevercoming

Then it's back to the North and Jon, Davos and Sansa begging for help from one of the Northern Lords.
But, hang on.  It's not any Northerner: it's Lyanna Mormont.

Girl got us on Twitter like

I LOVE Lyanna Mormont's character.  She is one the coolest characters in the ASOIAF series, helped by the fact that all we really know about her was the bad arse letter she wrote to Stannis, refusing to bend the knee for anyone but a Stark.  This scene could've been equally as cool as her character if it had been written a little more coherently.

I had some thoughts on this that were about as all over the place as your writing of the scene so I've tried to organise them below:

• By having Sansa remarry whilst still married last season (WHICH IS ILLEGAL), this gives her a total of three surnames -- something Lyanna can use to prove the fact she's not a Stark and makes it look like Sansa is seemingly ready to jump into bed with any family she thinks is winning.  This would make her sudden claim of "I will always be a Stark" unbelievable.  I'm completely with Lyanna on this.  The writing of season five has made Sansa look stupid.
• By having no one really care about rescuing Rickon, all the writers are doing is just showing us that he's going to die this season and it'll be between Jon and Sansa for the Lord/Lady of Winterfell.  Is it just me that finds this ridiculous?  Northerners who claimed allegiance to the Stark King of the North should be falling over themselves to help save Rickon.  No?  The fact that the show runners don't want you even mildly invested in Rickon?  Bear in mind that I'm fairly certain he hasn't even spoken since season three.  He came back this season and the wildling girl got lines and a cool death and he didn't.  GAH.
• By having Sansa pout and sulk whilst Davos saves the day and persuades Lyanna to help, you writers are taking her character right back to the petulant child in Season One.  You are not letting Sansa 'grow' as a character at all -- she changes personality depending on how you way the scene to go.
• By having Davos be the one reminding Lyanna "the dead are coming", it just makes us wonder why the fuck Jon doesn't care about the Others any more and why Lyanna is so quick to believe in what have always been creatures of myth and legend that, even after Hardhome, the men of the Night's Watch didn't care about as much as wildlings.  Why does she believe?
• By making fun of the fact they only got 62 men out of all this, you make Ramsay's twenty good men from last season all the more ridiculous.

This whole scene was ruined by shoddy, shoddy writing and a flagrant disregard of past events/ character traits/ good storytelling/ common sense/ ANY SENSE OF LOGIC.

Luckily for me, after this scene so clearly irked me, I get a fair few minutes to calm down.

Yep.  I really enjoyed watching Jaime walking towards a castle, the drawbridge to the castle being lowered and Blackfish coming out (all to very dramatic music).  Also, it gives me lots of time to sit and think about the fact that the show runners are shortening the final two seasons of Game of Thrones because there 'isn't enough material' but they're quite happy to waste all this time on nothing.

Deep breath.

Blackfish finally exits the castle for his parley and reminds Jaime of the oath he swore Cat, to bring back her children in exchange for his freedom.  Lucky he did this because everyone, audience and especially Jaime included, had completely forgotten all about this.  Jaime obviously brushes past this but, much like his twin earlier with Olenna, is completely OWNED by the old person.  He even manages to drop the ole 'disappointed in you' trope.  #burn

Meanwhile, back in the Tardis, Jon is now at the Glovers' (he gets around, does our Jon).  

A reference few will understand. #soz

Glover is not having any of this inspirational speech bullshit from earlier and turns them down.  He reminds them that it was the Boltons that saved his castle and family from the Iron Born, no one else, and he's not willing to turn on them now.  Fair play to him.
BUT WAIT.
Sulky Sansa thinks to herself that now is the time to prove herself a better speech maker than Davos.  Luckily, Glover didn't remember her bigamy but she seriously did not count on him being the dramatically Northern speech GOD.  She fails miserably.
They get no help from Glover and we move on rather quickly.

To Slavers' Bay! Where Theon and Yara have arrived!  Already! Of  course!

Oh. Btw, Yara is now into girls.  I can't really work out why they made this choice, except for the fact that they think lesbians are hilarious.  

Yara in this scene is, in essence, what we in the business call a CRAZY PERSON.
She bullies Theon for his abuse and then tells him she'll never hurt him immediately afterwards.  She tells him to pull himself together and stop being the weak guy and be Theon again.  She then forces him to drink over and over again like a weird drinking game you play in uni and tells him to kill himself (note to reader: please don't play this drinking game irl).
But then she's all, OR, you know, don't.  How about you just don't kill yourself, yeah?  Be Theon!  We'll go get Dany and the dragons!  Theon decides you know what, I won't die.  He downs his drink, the two share a tender embrace and she kisses his forehead.  #cute

And, of course, for the finale of this sweet sibling bonding scene, Yara tells us that she's going to 'fuck the tits off' the sex worker she's chosen because… Comedy.

Back to Jon!  Does anyone else get the feeling they filmed these bits and pieces begging the Northerners with the intention for them to be slotted into different episodes to reflect the journey time in between each?  But then they realised that they had other stuff to whack in each episode (like Ramsay attempting to peel an apple and yet another Tyrion pwning Mereen scene) so just popped them all in tonight's episode instead….  Whatever the reason, it doesn't work.

Whatever.

Davos talks to Jon about Stannis and how great he was at the ole military stuff.

Davos.  Don't rub it in that Stannis lost to Ramsay and was just chill in in the woods alone during his big battle.

Don't prove that the writers were wrong and this would never happen because he was a military genius and strategist.

Just.  Don't.  Okay?

Then, Sansa's a proper little princess and is like "oh wow, Davos got 62 men big whoop" when he clearly secured 62 more men than you did you ungrateful bitch.
She has a tantrum but Jon still won't take her advice and so she takes matters into her own hands by writing a letter and sealing it with wax (which immediately disappears in the next shot because WHAT IS CONTINUITY).  It's not a mystery what this is about.  She's clearly running back to Littlefinger for help and I swear, show runners, if you let these two get together I will throw up (I'm not very good at threats).

We return to the wonderful Ian McShane, acting the FUCK out of a character, whoever he's meant to be.  This character is definitely not one I've read but hey ho, if he's helped rehabilitate Sandor, he's alright by me.  He's leading what seems to be a very weird group bonding session in The Cult of the Poorly Maintained Beards and sharing sweet stories of, you know, murdering kids and that.

There's a long pause.

He announces, "it's never too late to come back."

He looks at Sandor.
Sandor looks back.

;)

(I'm seriously running out of cheesy wink gifs so can we cut out these shitty attempts at #foreshadowing please?)

Suddenly, he is RUDELY interrupted by three guys on horses.  They ask if McShane has any horses and he replies no (because Stranger must just have moved on maybe) and he says the same when asked about food and valuable goods.  They move on but Sandor is suspicious because they're from 'The Brotherhood'.
He decides to go and dig graves chop wood to clear his mind.  McShane promises to save him some soup.  Exciting stuff.

Oooh, Arya's back!  And with a jazzy new hairdo.  She luckily bumps into a Westerosi sailor and luckily has a bag of silver with which she can pay him to take her 'home'.  She's excited to be going back tomorrow morning (all smacks a bit of 'last day of retirement' to me…) when she bumps into someone else!  This creepy old woman offers the little girl sweets and none of us are suspicious at all until SUDDEN WAIF ATTACK.

Arya is slashed and stabbed and she manages to wriggle free and throw herself in the river.
The waif watches the water for what she assumes is the appropriate amount of time for someone to drown and then wanders off.  She doesn't need to check Arya's dead.  She doesn't need to take her face for the House of Black and White.

Then Arya pulls herself out of the water, having survived the frenzied attack.  She wanders around Braavos, soaking wet and bleeding to death.  All of the Braavosi stare at her like, 'dying girl?  none of my business…'

SERIOUSLY GUYS

A tiny knife in the back from some little Sand Snake bitch.
This caused instant death to a hulking great big fighting man?
He fell straight down and did not get back up.






But this?

This crazy multiple stabbing on a little girl who is then immersed in water for over a minute isn't serious enough to prevent her from slowly walking away from the scene?

No.  No.  NO.
If Arya dies and is reborn, I hate it.
If she survives and is doing parkour next week like the trailer suggests for waif vengeance, I hate it.

Okay.
Let's just try to get through the finale, yeah?

We go back to the cult and Clegane has just returned from a long evening of chopping wood to discover that he missed the huge massacre that was probably within earshot.  Everyone is dead, including McShane (what a WASTE) and Sandor takes a minute to think about this.
He then grabs his axe and storms off.

Because REVENGE.
REVENGE FOR THE MAN WITH NO NAME

Roll credits.
Kill self.
The end.


Third episode in a row without Ramsay.  This must be killing them.
Also, it was nice to take a break from Tyrion/Mereen/Dany/Daario.
Let's be honest; it was still awful.  But still… No Dany is just lovely.


High Points
Acting from Alfie Allen, Ian McShane, Blackfish and Lyanna Mormont.  You're doing the best with what you're given and I salute you all.
Return of Sandor Clegane because he is a babe <3

Low Points
Everything else?
I can't even specify because I'm too angry.  Sorry.


Summative comment:

Follow me on Twitter for more ramblings (@noneedtomoan)
See you next week.
Only three more to go.