Season Six, Episode Nine

Whew.  This one made me so angry, I sat up tweeting about it until 4am before realising I had to be up for work in two hours.

Forgive me if this post isn't particularly coherent; I'm running on caffeine and a prayer right now.

Anyway, hi there if you're new (go catch up on my previous reviews to fully understand the emotional rollercoaster I've been on during S6: E1, E2, E3, E4, E5, E6, E7 & E8) and welcome back if you're a returning reader (well done you for sticking with me during what is essentially a nervous breakdown).
So, a bit of background: this is the biggie.

Episode Nine is always hyped to be the most epic and spectacular of the season.  This episode was titled, "Battle of The Bastards" (although I agree with @ManuclearBomb here: "The Bastard of Winterfell" would've made a better title) and had been nicknamed #BastardBowl pretty early on.
Expectations were high.

All I've been told by show fans is to 'wait for the big battle' because that's when it'll 'get good again'.
Okay. Let's pretend that I believe this show can ever be good again.
Why have eight episodes of nothing?
Is that 'okay' if we get ONE exciting episode in return?

That does not make for an interesting TV show.  Not for me.  It doesn't make me want to watch it, just in the hope that one day I might get sixty minutes of good TV.  But, obviously, I watched it anyway.  And, obviously, I was disappointed.  Because this Episode Nine was embarrassingly bad.
Let's do this thing.

We start off in Mereen, because that's what we were all excited about last wee-

Come on.  The title of this episode implied an entire episode set in the North for the battle.  No one wants to see Mereen.  Did you see Dany's 'dramatic' return last week?

Yo Dany tell your face you're happy or sad or whatever you are

Even she cba with it.
Whatever.
She's having a HI-LAR-IOUS chat with Tyrion about how he's messed up her city, whilst Tyrion tries to crack jokes in between projectiles crashing in the background.  I'm going to be honest, I didn't get much of what was being said because I was MESMERISED by Dany's hair.
It was perfection.  Not a curl nor a plait out of place.  Just as you'd expect after a long dragon ride.  Even if this was the day after, her city is under attack; does she really have time to sit and have her hair did?  Are there not more important things to worry about?  Like ruling?
Sigh.
Dany comes to the decision that she needs to kill everyone and burn everything because you can't spell Danaerys without Aerys, am I right, Barristan?  Oh, shit, yeah... They killed him off.  Oh, that's alright.  Jaime had a secret off screen chat with Tyrion once about the Mad King so he's passing on that info to Dany.  Lucky Jaime told Tyrion and definitely didn't confide it to one person in quite a sweet way because he trusted them.  That would've been stupid.

Anyway, cancel the war for now, guys, because the slavers/masters and Dany are meeting outdoors to negotiate.  They try to convince Dany to leave Mereen whilst everyone at home just wonders where the fuck Daario is and how long it will take for the Dothraki hoarde to conveniently arrive.  The masters tell Dany they'll kill her two dragons but then, Drogon Ex Machina arrives!   Apparently the bad guys forget what they said mere moments ago and are now shit scared of dragons and watch on fearfully as Dany climbs aboard and flies off on Drogon.
WHAT?
How can you threaten to kill two of something and then be surprised to see one of them?  Terrified, even?  How were you going to cope in the cave with both dragons?  Have you not seen the dragons before?  Or even heard the stories?  Surely you saw her fly in on Drogon the night before?

Even if you were a bit surprised, the dragon didn't do anything?  You could've taken a shot at it?  You have soldiers behind you, order them to attack it, maybe?
DO SOMETHING SLAVER MEN BECAUSE RN I'M KIND OF ROOTING FOR YOU OVER DANY

Oh, also, just for added LOGIC, the other two dragons have decided now is the exact moment they need to leave the cave, six episodes after being 'freed' by Tyrion.
Speaking of convenience, the Dothraki also decide now is the exact time to charge in, just as Dany and her dragons are leading the charge agains the slavers' fleet.
ALSO, somewhat conveniently, the Sons of the Harpy are back and are still wearing masks even though we apparently know they're the masters now.  Oh, and someone must have told the Dothraki to kill the guys in the masks because they're the baddies.  Otherwise, that could've been a total bloodbath.  Phew.  #fortunate #blessed

Whilst all the convenience is going on, Dany takes the opportunity to go basically apeshit with her dragon and sets fire to everything.  Because, apparently the slavers just left the war going on in the background whilst they parlayed with Dany.  No ceasefire.  Weird tactics.

Back on land, the three masters are all, 'ohhh shit' and Tyrion gets to be stern now because they went back on their agreement.  Oh and their soldiers abandon them because they wouldn't stand for them so why are they even there?  So, for some unknown reason, one of the three of them has to die. What an odd clause to the pact.  Two of them grass the other one up for being poor basically so Grey Worm kills those two.  #justice
The last remaining slaver is sent back to warn the others that Dany is large and in charge and not afraid to set fire to a barge.  (I am so sleepy; I can only apologise)

First ad break!
That was 17 minutes of the episode.  For Dany to try and get Mereen back to the same point it was mid-season five.  For her to fight with all three very well trained dragons.

Give me strength.

Okay.  We're finally heading to the North.  I mean, I assume we're at Winterfell anyway, because there's some light frost on the ground and, as we were reminded a few seasons ago now, WINTER IS COMING.  SLOWLY.

Battle of Wintefell (S5) vs. Battle of the Bastards (S6)

Er... It's coming. Just... Backwards...?

Ramsay comes out to parlay (take note, slavers, parlaying WITHOUT a battle going on in the background) with Jon and Sansa, who is making a point of being there because #feminism, and offers all of the Northerners full pardons if Jon bends the knee.

Ramsay irl

This is a fantastic deal but obviously we do not trust Ramsay because he is a BADDIE.  We're here for the Starks because they're the GOOD GUYS.
Jon turns this down but claims 'there's no need for a battle' and I was screaming at the TV at this point because this is WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING.  Instead, he offers Ramsay a one on one fight because he's such a big strong man and good defeats evil right?
There's loads more filler whilst they tread water until the battle, including when Ramsay throws Shaggydog's head at them to prove he has Rickon, because we haven't seen that before this season.
N.B. At this point of the epsiode, that prop direwolf head has had more screen time than Rickon in Season Six.

Sansa gives some sass about Ramsay losing and dying and 'sleep well' SUCH SASS and, honestly, this is my favourite part of the entire episode- she rides her horse away from the group.  Why is this my favourite part, you ask?  It's because it was definitely sped up in post and so Sansa rides away in super speed and it properly made me laugh.
Genuinely my favourite bit.  Think about that for a little while.
After she's gone, there's more sass from Ramsay when he says that he's not fed his dogs for seven days in preparation.  Exciting.

Then there are lots of dark ominous scenes between Davos and Jon and Tormund, discussing tactics like using trenches and pincer movements (TORMUND DOESN'T KNOW ADVANCED MILITARY TECHNIQUES LOLZ HE SO STOOPID WILDLINGS STOOPID HAHAHAA) and Sansa's opinion not being listened to.

Sansa's tantrums are next level

Sansa, girl, you need to grow the fuck up.
You moan about your advice not being heard because you're the only one who 'knows' him.  Erm.  No, actually, you're being ignored because you only know what Ramsay is like with vulnerable individuals who he wants to torture but you have NO idea what he's like in battle.  You have no military training.  Look, I hate this cardboard cut out pretending to be Jon as much as the next person but, honestly, he is right to ignore you because you will let your emotions get the better of your decisions.
Also, climb on down from that high horse you're on bbz because you're keeping the hero army you've got coming a secret from Jon for no reason.  He could delay the battle until they arrive.  He could save lives.  He could win the battle.  It's literally the only important bit of info rn and you're withholding it for no good reason other than #tension
Jon literally asks when they would get extra forces and she just pouts.  Here's an idea: either shut up and be brooding in the corner about your secret plan or HOW ABOUT YOU TELL THE TRUTH YOU BIG IDIOT FACE?  HOW'S THAT FOR ADVICE, SANSA?

You want proof that I'm not overreacting about how poorly written the characters are in this show?  Sansa kicks off about Jon not listening to her, he monotones his way through a few lines and she instantly says, "I don't know. I don't know anything about battles."

Fo realz Sansa imma kill u myself in a min

She doesn't shut up, though.  She decides that now is the time to pipe up about Rickon, the kid her and Jon have been ignoring (remember when Brienne said Sansa needed the Tully army to become Lady of Winterfell? When Rickon has a better claim over Sansa?).  The reason Sansa hasn't spoken about him?  Because she wants him dead.  Well, maybe I read between the lines there but, she practically came right out and said it.  Sansa's main point was that Rickon's dead either way because Ramsay cannot let him live because, you know, Winterfell.  They're both still pretty optimistic about their own lives and claims, though.  Gah.

Meanwhile, D&D's horrific writing continues to shit all over this episode when they make Davos say, "It was not the Boltons who defeated Stannis. It was Stannis himself" and I can't even begin to address that calmly so, showrunners, have this gif instead:

Fuck you guys

There's lots more stalling for time to pad out the episode, including a little visit to Mel, who refuses Jon's request not to bring him back to life again.  For a woman who was completely unconvinced she could resurrect a man, she's pretty stubborn about forcefully doing it again.  She doesn't get her boobs out anyway so we leave swiftly.
Everything is just dark and boring and this is NOT Episode Nine material, is it?  Yawn.

So, we join Davos walking about in what is now quite a heavy layer of snow (?) and discovering some old fires from long ago that have survived the harsh, harsh winter.  You know what else survived the winter and the fire?  The WOODEN stag that Davos gave Shireen.  Did she have that with her when she was burned?  How did it survive a fire that consumed a HUMAN BEING?
No.  No, Game of Thrones, NO.


This is all too neat, isn't it?  Do you not understand conveniently setting your characters up either to succeed (*cough* Dany) or to find something that WOULD NOT BE THERE is not entertaining storytelling?

Also, am I genuinely meant to believe that Davos didn't know about Shireen's murder until now?  What did he think had happened?  Where does he think Stannis is?  He just took Brienne's word about her executing him?  Why?  He definitely didn't get an answer about Shireen (in fact, iirc, Brienne pretended that she was there for what happened to Shireen but she definitely wasn't).  Has he not asked any follow up questions to Mel offscreen?  WHY NOT?

Christ.
I'm not sure I'm going to make it through this.

We have to go back to Mereen now, where Yara and Theon have just arrived.

I cannot break this scene down fully because my moans of anger as I rocked back and forth were drowning out the show but I got the jist of it:

• Tyrion sends some snark Theon's way
• Theon says Yara is a better leader than him oh and also he didn't kill the Starks; they're alive
• Dany and Yara:

• Tyrion snarks about the Greyjoy fleet 'barely being enough', even with the slavers' ships
• Dany and Yara:

• Dany says they have a deal because #feminism but they'll have to stop reaving
• Yara agrees to stop reaving even though it's all they know
• Dany goes to shake Yara's hand to make a deal but looks to Tyrion for permission first and I want to die

Dany.

The feminist.

The ruler.

DANAERYS STORMBORN WHATSHERNAME

Looked to Tyrion.

Tyrion.

The guy who's been in Mereen 5 minutes and nearly burned it to the ground.

She looked to him to get PERMISSION.

Like Sansa did with Theon.

What even is this show?

Okay. At this point, we're forty minutes into the episode, we've had a bit of CGI in Mereen but otherwise nothing remotely battle-like and honestly I've reached the point of no return.  I never thought I'd be begging to see one of their classic overdone gore fests of a battle but please.

Just show me the battle.  Bring me the bastards.

Back to Winterfell we must go.  Nice, spring-like Winterfell. All the snow's gone.  Obv.

#WinterwhatWinter?

There's a good four or five minutes of establishing shots that are, admittedly, very well shot.  The visuals in this whole sequence are good.  It's the writing that's absolute trash.

So we see flayed bodies on fire on crosses and the two armies, ready to battle.  Ramsay very, very slowly drags Rickon into the battlefield on a leash but, just when you think he's going to kill him, he uses his sword to SET HIM FREE.  #goodguyRamsay

Rickon is told they're playing a game and that he must run to his brother.  He runs as he has arrows shot at him.  Jon is galloping towards him and it's super tense.  Rickon is running in a straight line and OMG HE'S GOING TO MAKE IT RIGHT said no one ever as Rickon is shot through the heart.  Dead.  Deader than dead.

Do you get it? Because waiting right until the last minute makes it so much more dramatically satisfying, doesn't it?  And then seeing his dead body being hit with more arrows is totally necessary and not gratuitous at all.

I honestly can't imagine this is a surprise to anyone.  He hasn't spoken since Season Three, poor lad must've been paid as an extra for the two episodes he's been in this year.  Bless him.  Good work, son.

Then...

The battle.

I don't really know how to go about reviewing this.  It's a bit like trying to write a car chase into a novel.  

I'll give you some notes, my thoughts as I watched:

• Where are the trenches Jon said he'd dig?
• How did all of those arrows miss Jon but hit Rickon again multiple times? #plotarmour
• Jon Snow would be the best dodgeball player of all time.
• Ramsay isn't even fighting, whilst Jon is getting down and dirty with his men. #goodvsevil
• Tormund gives a rousing speech to Jon to cheer him up after nearly dying.  He just looks at him and goes, "HEY."
• The dying battle victims get more lines than Rickon's had all six seasons.
• Tormund gets stabbed and Jon gets trampled. #tension
• SUDDEN UNEXPECTED LITTLEFINGER WAS NOT A SURPRISE
• Sansa adopts that awful sly half smug smile Littlefinger does at Jon whilst he's in battle and I swear I'll cut a bitch
• Ramsay attempts retreat.  Wun Wun, Breaker of Gates, gets in and dies from far too many arrows.

Okay.  At this point, I feel more comfortable ranting in full.

So Ramsay, realising he's fucked, agrees to one on one combat and Jon beats his face to a pulp.  He looks up and sees Sansa.  She's giving him dirty looks and I'm not sure why.

Why...

Why is she already in Winterfell?

The battle hasn't finished yet.  There are still plenty of Bolton men about, and Ramsay himself hasn't been captured yet.  It's not safe to be in there.  HOW did she get there so fast?

Why the dirty look?

You wanted him dead.  Jon's killing him.

Why is Sansa such a mardy bitch?

Seriously?

Who is this Sansa and why do I hate her this much?

We then get a lovely shot of Mel reacting to the Stark banners being put up and Davos standing a distance away from her, staring vengefully at her and stroking his stag. #accidentalinnuendo

We also get to see Rickon on a stretcher and Jon orders him to be buried in the crypt because why bother trying to get Mel to resurrect him when she's clearly a fan of doing it and it's possible and he's your brother and the best claim to Winterfell? #logic
Also, Sansa's all, "Where. Is. He?" even though she's basically been stood there the entire time right?

Then, for the big finale, we get to see Sansa finally getting her revenge.  She goes to see Ramsay, tied up and bleeding, in a cell.  She gets to do a cool monologue about how his family name will disappear and then threatens him with his own dogs, which she reminds him, "you said yourself; you've been starving them for seven days".

It would be at this point, if I thought there was any hope of a coherent plot, I'd ask how Sansa knows about the seven days when she wasn't there when it was said... but there isn't any hope of that so I won't ask.

So, whatever, his own 'loyal' hounds eat him.  We don't see him die though, because that would be gratuitous.  We do get to see an oversized CGI dog brutally attack his face though.

Lots of spare CGI this episode because THEY NEVER EVEN SHOWED GHOST.

Oh and btw, Sansa totally smiles and is basically skipping away because this her personality now.

I'm going to be honest.

I don't know how much of this makes sense and it's probably even more disorganised and frenzied than normal because, as I've been writing, people I know are reacting to the episode positively and-

High Points

Low Points

Hahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahaa

Go follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness @noneedtomoan

One more to go.

Let us pray that I retrieve my sanity before next week.