Hi team.
This is getting more and more difficult as the weeks pass. The show defies logic: nothing happens and yet they still somehow manage to ruin EVERYTHING.
Believe it or not, I think that my previous reviews (E1, E2, E3, E4, E5, E6 & E7) have been pretty tame. I have been genuinely attempting to try and understand what the showrunners are trying to do (obviously, I never can but the attempt is normally there). However, last night's episode made this extremely difficult. There were so many poor decisions made that are simply inexplicable and make no sense whatsoever. So, fair warning: this episode sent me to new levels of anger that I did not know could be reached. It will get more intense than usual (lol no I didn't know it could either).
Let's crack on, shall we?
Anyway, she's pretty proud of herself until she hears a thud, which turns out to be Arya, bleeding in a heap all over her expensive costumes. Real nice, Arya.
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| Definitely dead. |
Last week, I said how ridiculous I thought it was that Arya survived the stabbing from the waif when Areo Hotah had one little stab in the back and died.
However, after I had posted my review, I had a think back. Maybe I'd been a bit harsh, here. It's not like THAT many characters have up and died from stab wounds.
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| Ooh. Nasty wound. She's dead. |
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| Oh yeah. Good and dead. |
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| Stab wounds to his abdomen? Dead. |
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| Just look how dead this guy is. |
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| Remember him? You betchya he's dead. |
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| COME ON |
Whatever. That's apparently unimportant because I've spent a lot of time on the internet over the past week and there are plenty of theories that explain how Arya can logically survive this.
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| #mood |
Honestly, I love a good ole tin foil hat theory and, although I could not genuinely believe any one of these severely unlikely and basically ridiculous examples, I was still almost rooting for one of them to be true because, otherwise, it may have just meant that Arya was practically invincible, at least from stab wounds that would've (and HAVE) killed any other Game of Thrones character. Alas, the theories were little more than wishes made by the fans for the show to make some semblance of sense.
Arya was just stabbed, okay?
She pulled herself out and wandered the streets of Braavos, where everyone ignored the bleeding child because REASONS.
She went to the only other person in Braavos she really knows, Lady Crane, for help and Lady Crane can heal stab wounds because LOGIC.
So it just so happens that Mean Ole Lady Crane used to stab men up all the time when they cheated on her (before then taking them back and caring for them to ensure their wounds healed because #feminism) so she takes her in and bandages her up and gives her milk of the poppy and rubbish soup and now Arya's cured.
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| Arya |
[NB: You know when I said this post was going to be more intense than usual and you didn't believe me and now you've just realised that was only the first scene?]
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| HOUND IS BACK OMG GET HYPE #CLEGANEBOWL |
He obviously murders them all brutally with his trusty Axe of Revenge™, before whacking the last one in the crotch and asking him where 'the one with the yellow cloak' (seriously, how difficult would it have been to say 'lemon'?) was and, when big ole tough guy decides to say 'fuck you' instead, Sandor says he's shit at dying and slices right through him.
Yep. Sandor has definitely benefitted from his time with Brother Ray & Co. and is on a path to redemption and definitely is not the same person as The Hound always was. No no.
Then we pop back to Mereen, which literally no one has missed while it's been gone.
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| Season 5, Episode 3 to be precise. |
Hardly surprising, given that we all know the Lord of Light followers in Slavers' Bay have been behind the 'Dragon Queen' since last season, right?
Tyrion appears to have forgotten this, however, as he (in his very expensive outift) wanders the dangerous streets (the ones they needed escorts and a disguise to be on earlier in the season) with Varys. He smugly smiles at Varys to show that his plan of action to get them talking about Dany is working (even though, as discussed above, this is not down to Tyrion and has been going on for a while) and even calls his plan 'successful'. Giant sigh.
Tyrion reminds Varys that he's a eunuch and we all have a few lolz and then they look at all the ships in the distance. The ships that were burned down in Episode One, you ask? Nahh, they've probably just rebuilt them by now (in which case, y'all better prepare for Euron's magnificent and imminent arrival in Slavers' Bay on a full fleet).
Tyrion announces that he will miss Varys and he hopes he's right about his 'expedition'.
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| Shh everyone. VARYS IS DOING SECRET THINGS OK |
Remember when Varys orchestrated an entire spy network? Neither does he.
Tyrion calls him back because he's obviously behaving like a complete imbecile. Thank God Tyrion's got his shit together.
He corrects him and says he's actually the 'most famous dwarf in world'. Not city. Okay, Varys?
Bear that in mind but otherwise just keep doing you.
#bestteamever
From one dream team to the next! Cersei is drinking alone when Qyburn comes a-calling, telling her that the Faith Militant are IN THE RED KEEP! BECAUSE TOMMEN LET THEM IN!
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| PANIC |
Regardless, the Sparrows are all 'hey we got this huge undead guy, right?' until they discover the hard way that his armour is super strong.
unGregor reacts to this attempt to hurt him by, predictably, strangling a guy and then ripping the head off him.
Lancel et al look suitably shocked and Cersei gets to smugly smile and tell them to 'tell his High Holiness he's welcome to visit' because Cersei don't travel nowhere no way no how.
Meanwhile we arrive at
Before we get into this, allow me a little bit of book snobbery for a moment because the Blackfish situation immediately makes less sense in the show and I never broached this last week. Apparently, the Freys got Riverrun first and then the Blackfish stole it back (lol how seriously). In the books, the Blackfish never leaves Riverrun for it to be taken. That's the whole problem and why Jaime is drafted in, after a long stand off, to help get him out.
Ok. With me? Let's get back to it then because Brienne and Pod have arrived!
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| Robson & Jerome > Jaime & Bronn |
Bronn grabs Pod by the neck for the lolz (also to make an exciting shot for the trailer) and then makes a dig that he's 'getting a bit too old to be a squire'.
LOL DO YOU GET IT BECAUSE HE'S MEANT TO BE ABOUT THIRTEEN OMG CLASSIC BRONN
Bronn has seemingly retained his mystic omniscient powers from Season Five, as he knows that Jaime and Brienne want to fuck one another and also that Pod has a magic cock.
Inside the tent, Jaime and Brienne are catching up. Jaime is really surprised that Sansa is alive and reminds the audience that Cersei wants her dead for killing Joffrey. Brienne explains that she's there for Sansa to get the Blackfish onside and take his army up to help Sansa retake Winterfell because she wants to be Lady of Winterfell.
Erm. WHAT?! Were we ever told that Sansa wants to be Lady of Winterfell? Is Brienne making this up? Is everyone forgetting that Rickon has a stronger claim on Winterfell than Sansa?
Jaime asks none of these questions and instead just gives us some helpful exposition about who the Freys are. They chat about honour and he asks her not to make him betray his own house.
(*cough* and THE KING...Who's a DIFFERENT HOUSE, remember? Jaime's legit the worst at keeping incest secret)
In the end, though, this is a moot point because he decides to give her until nightfall and, if she can persuade the Blackfish to leave before then, he will let them march North.
Okay... Okay. Let's all just calm the fuck down here and think about a few things:
- Jaime is a Lannister and House Lannister has sworn fealty to the King
- He, therefore, must not allow traitorous events to occur
- The King proclaimed that Riverrun belonged to the Freys
- The Tullys, therefore, are going against the King's orders by being in Riverrun
- The King proclaimed Roose Bolton to be Warden of the North and gave them Winterfell
- Sansa and Jon, therefore, are going against the King's orders by trying to take Winterfell
I understand the show is trying to build the relationship between Brienne and Jaime but it makes NO sense. Jaime would never allow Brienne to take the Tully army (traitors to the King) away from Riverrun. He then would not allow House Tully (traitors, remember? They took Riverrun off the Freys apparently) to join forces with House
Omg and seriously, the rest of this scene...
Either it was seriously well acted (I'm not convinced I can tell the difference between good and bad acting any more) or I just completely projected the books onto it but, either way, it was actually really cute and I know I should've loved it but then I'd remember the situation they'd been written into and how NONE OF IT works for the characters, for the world they're in, for the politics, for ANY REASON... and basically I didn't even slightly enjoy it.
Oh God, there's more Riverrun too.
Blackfish allows Brienne in (we're not sure why) but is having none of her shit. He won't abandon Riverrun on Jaime's word, nor will he believe that Brienne is working for Sansa. Two very sensible decisions. Well done, Blackfish.
Ugh.
Whatever, though, because Winterfell may be Sansa's home but Riverrun is the Blackfish's so Jaime will have to take it off him if he wants it. Brienne tells Pod to send a raven to Sansa to tell her she's failed.
Now, if I had the strength, I'd analyse where the fuck this raven will be sent to because, last Brienne knew, Sansa was at Castle Black. She has no idea which Northern Lords have sworn fealty to Sansa and so has no clue that Sansa is in possession of the Mormont ravens right now. How will Sansa get this message? That's what I'd ask. If I wasn't exhausted from trying to make sense of a situation that is completely illogical. I'd also ask why the 8000 strong Lannister army would allow a castle under siege to send ravens because they'd definitely shoot them from the sky, right? It's probably why Sansa sent Brienne rather than sending a raven, right?
I can't. I can't even.
Take me back to King's Landing and Cersei, for the love of the gods!
She's annoyed because she wasn't informed that there was to be a royal announcement. She tries to stand next to Tommen but Kevan (see, Olenna, Cersei has family!) makes her stand with the losers in the gallery instead. Margaery's absence is not explained, btw. Shockingly, all the other women in the cheap seats move away from her (and creepy Qyburn and the zombie man that can murder you super fast) whilst Tommen says all this trash about the Faith and the Crown being two pillars that hold up the world and how, basically, if you break The Father's laws, you're fucked. He reminds us that Cersei and Loras' trial is coming up soon, which is handy because we had no idea they are apparently to be tried together, despite their crimes not being linked and also the fact that Margaery was meant to be sorting a deal out for him. Also, big news, trial by combat is no longer allowed.
Looks like Cersei's unGregor plan is out the window!
Cersei looks sad, Tommen looks sad and everyone else looks... well, pretty bored tbh. I suppose, if you're not directly affected, it isn't terrifically exciting news.
After Tommen leaves, we get a bit of mystery (say 'ooooh'). Qyburn tells Cersei he's investigated 'that old rumour', using his birds. He claims 'it's more, much more than a rumour'.
This is wildfire, right? Is that what we're all assuming? Not much of a mystery, given that they showed Aerys' use of it in Bran's vision... Ah well. I'm sure this plan will come to fruition just like all of Cersei's. #Mountain #zombie #useless
Back to Mereen! God, we're really making up for lost time here. Tyrion is drinking wine and happy and so decides to forces Grey Worm and Missandei to drink, too because peer pressure is fun and harmless. There's so much filler conversation in this scene it's ridiculous and I'm not even going into it but, just know, Tyrion wants a vineyard and he likes to tell jokes as well as force others to tell jokes. He also likes to repeat the beginning of the same joke he told in season one because #callbacks
Whatever. They're all actually smiling and having fun until the bell rings and they discover they're being attacked by a huge fleet. For one terrifying moment, I actually thought the Iron Born had made it to Mereen but, not to worry, it's just the masters, who 'have come for their property'.
Moving on! Back to... Oh no...
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| #pleaseGodno |
(NB: if Edmure has a son, he'd be Edmure's heir, right? As valuable a hostage as Edmure himself? Why is Edmure still alive? Just kill him!)
This then progresses into an argument, where Edmure (finally getting lines, yaaas!) asks Jaime how he can live with himself. Jaime responds by talking about Catelyn Stark (because we gots to get us some #Stoneheart hype) and also repeats 'the things we do for love' from the pilot episodes because doing #callbacks is easier than writing new lines, right?
Then, rather strangely, he decides to tell Edmure that he loves Cersei and, to get back to her, he has to take Riverrun so he'll do anything because only Cersei matters.
"If I have to slaughter every Tully that ever lived to get back to her, that is what I'll do." - RIP Jaime Lannister's character and the redemption the real him so desperately sought.The next thing we see is Edmure Tully approaching Riverrun. Blackfish tells him not to let him in because he has a brain and realises it's a trap. However, the bloody jobsworth soldier is beyond confused: they should obey the Lord of Riverrun, which is Edmure.
Edmure walks in, sees Blackfish and walks away. He goes straight upto the soldiers who lowered the drawbridge for him moments ago. He commands all the forces in the castle to lay down their swords and open the gates. They look pretty gutted tbf but they do as they're told and Jaime rides in. Edmure tells them to find the Blackfish, put him in irons and hand him over to the Freys.
Speaking of Blackfish, here's the Blackfish (#smoothsegues). He's found the super secret moat entrance and is helping Brienne and Pod escape. He decides to stay and fight because he 'ran' from the Red Wedding (eh?) and he's not had a proper sword fight in years.
Cut to: Jaime standing above the drawbridge, being told they found the Blackfish and he 'died fighting'. ANOTHER OFF SCREEN DEATH? For serious? He's then mildly distracted by Brienne and Pod making a very, very slow escape. He sees her. She sees him. They wave to one another. It is actually mildly cute.
It does not, however, detract from the utter shit show that was the rest of Riverrun.
MEANWHILE, back in Mereen (seriously? AGAIN?)
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| Writer's expect this reaction to her return |
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| My reaction |
Where's Daario and the whole kahlasaar? Where's Drogon gone now? Why did we not see him attacking the ships? Did he even bother attacking the ships? Or did he just drop Dany off and leg it? Why does Dany look like she's just been in a hair and make up chair, and not just hopped off the back of a dragon after what we can assume was a long loooong journey?
OMG I HATE IT I HATE IT ALL SO MUCH
Aaaand it's back to The Hound, who is just wandering around and happens to find the Brotherhood Without Banners hanging Lem Lemoncloak and the other men who attacked Brother Ray &Co. as they are no longer in the Brotherhood. Sandor proceeds to use 'girl' as an insult and demand he gets to kill them in as painful a way as possible because what even is character development? They kill them and he nicks Lem's boots.
He then goes to their camp and has some food with them, even though he prefers chicken. #callback
Oh, you know what? Fuck the writers. You're getting paid how much?! That shit is not funny. Yes, it's a meme and YES it became hysterical for about five minutes on the internet but, seriously, repeating jokes is not funny. Make some new jokes. PLEASE.
Whatever. He then has a wee in the river, when we get to see full frontal #HoundDong. Guys this is not what I meant when I said make some new jokes. What. Why. No. Staaaaahp
Thoros asks him to join the Brotherhood because they're all still here for a reason and need good men to help them. Also, cold winds are rising in the North, but don't think about that too much dear sweet audience. He proclaims that it's 'not too late' for him and Sandor is left pondering what he will do.
Interestingly, no one calls him The Hound any more and I don't really understand why. Brother Ray knows that The Hound is 'dead' but no one else does? Was there a memo sent out to the rest of Westeros? Is it like when Puff Daddy/ P Diddy/ Sean Combs demands we all call him something else?
Thank God it's the final scene because I'm losing the will to live.
Lady Crane is checking in on Arya, who is still in bed recovering and only moving ever so slightly. She wanders into the other room and goes to get... poison? More milk of the poppy? We'll never know. A blonde man sees her and then we hear a thud and she is proper dead.
Obviously the blonde man is the waif. Less obvious is the reason why the waif needed to disguise herself when Lady Crane had no idea who she was and she took her face off to speak to Arya anyway. Ah well. Why do we need reasons for things any more?
The thud wakes Arya up and she discovers the waif and Dead Lady C. Apparently, if Arya had done her job she would've died painlessly (there's literally no reason for the waif to have caused Lady C pain, though, is there? She still could've done it painlessly) but the many faced god was promised a name and no one can change that. Yawn. Change the record, waif. Or, stop monologuing and kill her! DO SOMETHING
Arya, still recovering from major internal injuries, jumps far too far off a balcony, lands on her feet without breaking her legs and runs off and the waif, despite taking the stairs down, catches up no problemo.
At this point, I'd like to point out how the waif is basically the Terminator for the rest of this scene (yes, I've already mentioned the music earlier but I stand by all this; someone in the Game of Thrones camp BLOODY LOVES Terminator). I'd love to go into more detail but I think I'll just stick with the summative review for now. Maybe one day I'll be strong enough to thoroughly compare the two. Today is not that day.
The waif is seriously fast (TERMINATOR FAST... Sorry) but Arya is faster because what stab wounds? She even slides on her stomach at one point, seemingly ripping open her stitches but she can still run! This whole chase scene is really long and the waif basically proves that she's the worst assassin of all time - drawing loads of attention to herself, giving her target a head start and assuming that she's mint at finding clues, when really that bloody hand print is probably a trap.
By the time the chase has finally ended, the two of them are in a dark room, the one we assume Arya returned to after not killing BFF Lady Crane. Arya gets Needle, closes her eyes and slices the candle.
The screen goes black and the next thing we see is Jaqen, who has also just discovered some blood trail clues (they really need better security at The House of Black and White - someone should've seen this happening). He follows the bloody trail and ends up in the face room.
Get this, Arya's only gone and put the waif's face on the wall. Despite having no formal training in face peeling whatsoever because she didn't get up to that level of Facelessness.
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| Arya |
A: You told her to kill me?
J: Yes but here you are and there she is. Finally a girl is no one.
A: A girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell and I'm going home.
J: *nods*
A: *smiles/grimaces* *leaves*
1) How does this act of revenge on the mean bully girl make Arya No One? She's failed every task she's been given.
2) Arya's not going West of Westeros anymore? When did she change her mind? Why say it in the first place?
3) How did Arya beat the waif? Sure, she'd been blind for a bit but had the waif not been? The waif was higher up than Arya, is the training not the same for everyone? Even if not, Arya never beat the waif when she was blind. At best, she blocked a couple of shots, then Jaqen just let her have her sight back.
4)When did Arya learn to slice faces off?
5) WHAT WAS THE ACTUAL POINT OF BRAAVOS?!
It's over.
I told you it was a biggie.
High Points:
That one split second where Jaime waved at Brienne
Low Points:
Pointless callbacks
Invincible Arya/Shit Assassin Waif
All of it. Everything.
Summary:
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