Season Eight, Episode Six - The Iron Throne

Right. I don’t know where to start.

In all honesty, I had a genuinely lovely time watching Game of Thrones at 2am this morning. I was cracking up all the way through and I think it’s possibly one of the funniest episodes of TV I’ve ever seen.

All of the little loose ends have been tied up and there were some giggles along the way. What more could you ask for? A coherent storyline and character development?

If you'd like to catch up on my reviews of Season Eight thus far, they are here: S8E1, S8E2, S8E3, S8E4 and S8E5 and I also tweet fairly regularly on the subject of Game of Thrones . You can enjoy the saltiness here: @noneedtomoan.

Sigh. Okay. Let’s give it a go.

We open on a good five minute shot of Tyrion surveying the smoking rubble that is King's Landing after the battle last week. (Get used to seeing things through Tyrion's eyes - it's kind of a running theme.) Tyrion goes ahead to the Red Keep, ignoring the advice of Jon and Davos to take men with him.

Greyworm is killing Lannister soldiers on the street under Dany's orders ("The queen's demands are to kill all who follow Cersei") and Jon and Davos appeal to him to stop. Greyworm is having none of it so they decide to speak to the queen directly instead. As they walk away, the Lannister men are executed and Jon winces, like he's never experienced killing someone out of revenge and nothing more.

*cough* hypocrite *cough cough*

Meanwhile, Tyrion has made it to the Red Keep and is making his way through the rubble. He discovers a tiny gap at the top and crawls his way through (off camera, Dinklage has too much dignity for any of that), on the hunt for his siblings. He sees lots of piles of rubble but his eyes settle on ONE pile in particular. He sees, honestly, Jaime's golden hand sticking out and I about DIED laughing hahhahaa.

He uncovers Jaime and Cersei, who definitely were not squashed by a tonne of rubble because look at them! There's literally a tiny bit of blood on their faces but otherwise they're completely intact! How's that possible? The entire roof caved in?! Well, tbf it didn't did it? Only parts of the ceiling fell. If only Jaime and Cersei had moved a few feet to their right.

Anyway, Dinklage smashes his scene and I imagine the only way he could build himself up to it is by thinking about how good the show could have been and now what it's been reduced to.

Then, back outside, Arya is still in the city and is now horseless. WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THE HORSE MAN? The Dothraki flaunt their obvious horsey-ness in front of her as we pan out to see someone handily packed a Targaryen flag to drape over some rubble. No one told the Unsullied and Dothraki that they all died (lol I know not really but a lot of them did) in Epiosde Three so they're all waiting for Dany to speak together.

Dany has this horrendous black pleather jacket that looks uncomfortable and I'm not really sure when she had it made but she's very excited by the view of her thousands of loyal soldiers laid out in front of her*. She gives a rallying speech and all the Unsullied and Dothraki celebrate, which is strange because the Dothraki definitely don't speak High Valyrian and I'm unconvinced the Unsullied know Dothraki... but whatever. She names Greyworm the commander of all her forces. Tyrion enters and stands by Jon as she says they will not stop until they've "liberated people all over the world" and lists a bunch of places, including Dorne (lol now they remember it exists, with an hour left of show to air). She chats on about breaking the wheel because we all love a Random Repeated Line from a Previous Season.

Treason by a Lannister is cool

Jon looks very concerned (I think? I find Kit incredibly one note, moreso than Emilia this year) about all this stuff and Tyrion has had enough, walking forward very, very slowly to Dany. The way this tension is built you honestly think he is going to do something. But, yeah, no. They argue. She accuses him of treason. He accuses her of slaughtering a city. I mean, they're both right. 

He throws his hand's pin to the ground. And, as tradition goes, he is held prisoner for treason as it's only non-Lannisters accused of treason that are burned alive instantly. Jaime and Tyrion are allowed to be held prisoner for a while first for plot reasons.

Anyway, Jon and Dany exchange a tense look and, when he turns back around, Arya is right behind him because she's so sneaky sneaky. Jon didn't even know Arya was in the city so yeah she literally just rode around on her white horse inside the city walls for a bit and didn't even go and find Jon. What was the actual point? She warns Jon that Dany knows who he is and will always be a threat and he tells her to go and wait outside the city gates because he'll come and get her.

Jon goes to visit Tyrion and he asks for wine the absolute LAD. Tyrion (because it's his show now, did you not know?) talks about betraying Varys and this being his comeuppance. He then refers to Jon being the only man who knows where he's going (because he died and was resurrected, remember? everyone knows about it and it's referred to openly now, no big deal). 

Then there's a speech that's been getting a lot of attention. Tyrion says the following:

“When she murdered the slavers of Astapor, I’m sure no one but the slavers complained. After all, they were evil men. When she crucified hundreds of Mereenese nobles, who could argue? They were evil men. The Dothraki Kahls she burned alive, they would have done worse to her. Everywhere she goes, evil men die and we cheer her for it. And she grows more powerful the more sure that she is good and right.”

First of all, I didn't like this speech at all. I felt like I've been screaming this all season. Dany's moral ambiguity has been clear as day since early seasons. She had no problem killing people who were in her way. The problem for me has always been the audience has been expected to cheer this behaviour on until now. You can't frame a woman burning people alive as strong and on a mission to get the throne, a mission we should support, and then suddenly change your mind a few seasons later. I think this is why people have been upset with Dany this season. There's a lot of people saying her behaviour came out of nowhere and, tbf, it didn't BUT it has never been shown to be a bad thing until now. Frustrating.

Secondly, this speech has been compared online to the "First They Came For" speech by Martin Niemoller, written about the Nazis (read it again with that in mind and you'll get the comparison, trust me). People feel that the writers are needlessly referencing the Holocaust here, as @PoorQuentyn said on Twitter this morning, leveraging the pain of millions of families to "make your tits and dragons show deeper". Regardless of if you feel this strongly or not, you have to agree it is a lazy, problematic and unnecessary comparison to draw, especially when it is such a raw topic for so many people. D&D are Jewish themselves and I can't help but feel this was incredibly ill thought-through.

*Also there was more than a bit of clunky Nazi imagery in there too:

Awkward.

Back to the episode and Jon is overcome with emotion after talking to Tyrion about loving Dany, by which I mean he sits down and wipes his nose. This scene seems to drag on forever, with loads of lines between the two men but without very much being said at all. Painful. Tyrion is basically asking Jon to 'do the right thing' (aka murder Dany) and keeps reminds Jon he is "the shield of men".

Except Tyrion, babe, he's not. Jon Snow the Lord Commander of the Night's Watch died, remember? You've literally just spoken about it. When he was resurrected, he left his post on the Wall (not straight away, he murdered a child first because REVENGE lolz) and then, saying "my watch has ended", gave Edd the position of Lord Commander. 

You may not remember but I certainly do because I remember being furious that D&D conveniently 'forgot' you can't pick a Lord Commander, he must be voted. Remember? Because the whole Jon-being-voted-in bonanza was the whole reason there were traitors in the first place? And that's why Olly stabbed him? And that's how he DIED?

So, in summary, Tyrion knows Jon died and is now a resurrected Jon that didn't swear an oath at all, he's a new bloke. BUT, concurrently, he also thinks he's still a member of the Night's Watch. Tyrion is an idiot.

Anyway, still in this bloody scene, Tyrion is trying to talk Jon round and he's not buying it until he's about to leave and Tyrion asks him about his sisters. Will they bend the knee? Jon leaves with a lot to think about.

Then, in the snow (wut?), Jon walks up to the Red Keep and Drogon appears from under the snow (srsly, wut?) He looks at Jon, Jon looks back and Drogon lies back down (remember when the dragons were obsessed with being warm? You know, because they're dragons?). Great use of time, guys. Top notch choices.

Cut to Dany in the throne room (yes the throne has survived and most of the room too, don't worry about it). This is quite a sweet scene imo. I like her reaching out to the throne and it's just fine.

Found on Facebook - tell me if
you know who to credit!

It becomes a bit shit when Jon enters (lol said that before). He argues with her and tells her to forgive everyone but she says she can't. She invites him to join her on her mission to break the wheel (repetition = good writing) and he says she is his queen, now and forever. 

They kiss and, during the swelling music, he stabs her. I mean, was anyone surprised by this? 

He cries over her fallen body as Drogon screeches outside and then flies into the throne room and cries over Dany's body (not going to lie, I'm a softie for animals so even I felt sad when he nudged her body, trying to wake her up!) 

Luckily, no one comes in to check on all the noises and Drogon breathes fire directly at....

The throne.

Yeah, Drogon is smart enough to know that it is symbolically the throne's fault (not Jon's) so he melts it. He then picks Dany up with his claws and flies off into the distance with her, destroying any evidence of Jon's crime.

We're left to wonder what happens next but it's safe to assume that, for murdering their queen, he'll be killed on the spot by the thousands of loyal Dothraki and Unsullied soldiers.

We come back to Tyrion's face as he wakes up. He is taken by Greyworm to the Dragonpit.

A council has been gathered from across Westeros so it's safe to say that it's been a fair few weeks.

(L-R) Samwell Tarly, Some Random Lord, Edmure Tully, Arya Stark, Bran Stark, Sansa Stark, Brienne of Tarth, Davos Seaworth, Gendry Baratheon, Other Random Blokes x 2, Yara Greyjoy, The New Prince of Dorne, Robin Arryn (LOL WHAT), Bronze Yohn Royce and Some Other Random Lord are gathered.

Okie dokie. Few questions from me, obviously. 

1) Who are the Random Lords? Why aren't we being told who they are or which areas they represent? You could've cut about half of Tyrion's conversation with Jon if you were worried about time, just to give us some info here. OR you could've just not had strangers there. No one would've missed them.

2) Where's Edmure Tully been? Just because the last time we saw him, he was thrown in the Frey cells. Did Arya know this when she wore Walder's face and killed all the male Freys? Did she tell one of the women to also let all the prisoners go? Because I think it's highly more likely that he was forgotten about and left to starve in his cell. Also, why do we hate Edmure? The 'sit down' line from Sansa seems unnecessary and could have been delivered to the new Dornish prince who got too cocky or something. Seems harsh on Edmure if we're honest.

3) Who is the new Prince of Dorne? The royal bloodline on the show has been massacred. Who is this guy? Was he 'elected' too? Why is he not vying for the throne? He's the only guy there with all his forces so he's in a position of power here.

4) Robin. Mutherfuckin. Arryn. BUDDY! I've been asking about you for nearly two seasons! How the devil are you?! I mean obviously you're fine lol. You've not been involved in any of the wars, nor helped out in any way shape or form, but HERE YOU ARE. I mean, who stayed with you at the Vale? Your armies and Royce went to assist the North but what did you get up to? How's your falcon? Also, WTF happened to you? Lack of mother's milk clearly agrees with you and you look sexy with your hair pushed back. Good job, Robin. You the real MVP this episode.

5) Royce. Royce, where were you mate? I swear I remember you talking to Sansa about food and armour and all sorts in preparation for the battle. Then, you were nowhere near the war of the undead, even though I'm 90% sure you were still in Winterfell. Why would anyone care about your opinion now? You didn't help them when they needed it.

Whatever.

Sansa is annoyed that Jon, who has not been executed for treason but has instead been held prisoner, has not been brought forward with Tyrion (which is an incredibly good point yet again). I don't really understand why Tyrion is here. This isn't his trial- he's not being held accountable for anything he did. The only reason Tyrion is brought to the Dragonpit is so he can deliver yet another 'inspirational' monologue at a load of people. Anyway, Greyworm asserts it's the Unsullied's city now and they get to make the choices and Yara takes his side because she loved Dany. She wants Jon Snow dead but Arya soon threatens her and puts her in her place #womenontop #feminism

Davos offers the Unsullied the land in the Reach promised to Bronn and the chance to make a house (they're EUNUCHS, Davos) but he obviously turns it down. He shouts at Tyrion for chiming in, "Everyone has heard enough words from you". Never have I felt so hard for a quote on this show, honestly. Someone make Tyrion shut up.

Greyworm asks the council to select a new monarch. They all stare at each other. Edmure is shot down. Sam suggests they let everyone decide and everyone is like LOLZ YOU'RE SO FUNNY WHAT'S NEXT? HORSES VOTING? WOMEN LEADING? HAHAHAHAHA GOOD ONE SAM

Anyway, remember when Greyworm said he wasn't going to let Tyrion talk? Well he lets Davos ask him his opinion and just leaves him to answer. Tyrion does another huge speech about how stories unite us and Bran "The Broken" (ok Tyrion) has the best story of them all (beg to differ but hey ho). Sansa's all 'but his dick doesn't work' and Tyrion says that's better because sons of kings can be right horrible. He suggests, instead of heirs being given the throne, they will reconvene and elect a new ruler when they need to. He tries to sell this to Greyworm as it being the 'breaking the wheel' that Dany always wanted.

Legit me after this scene. This is hilarious.

He speaks to Bran. Tyrion knows he doesn't want this but he knows it's the right decision. Bran replies "Why do you think I came all this way?" and smiles smugly.

One by one, all the Lords vote 'aye' (did love Davos' "I'm not sure I get a vote but aye" :')) until Sansa, who is very unsure. She wants the North to have independence because of all the lives lost in the war. Bran agrees but no one really acknowledges that this makes her Queen of the North. It's a bit weird.

Bran tells Tyrion he is to be his hand. Tyrion tries to turn it down but he won't let him - it is his way of atoning for his sins.

This show costs too much to leave coffee and water lying around

I don't understand any of this. Bran is still a King, right? So what has changed, aside from the rich and privileged people picking who will lead them all? What was the point of burning the throne if there will still forever be a monarch ruling over Westeros? 

Also, the North will run as a kingdom on its own, with Sana in charge? So normal succession rules will apply here? So Sansa will need to find a husband and make heirs?

Seems a strange way to break the wheel. Not that much seems to have changed.

Okay. Nearly there.

Jon is looking all unkempt in prison (which, if Dany's fluffy heir pre-massacre last week is anything to go by, may mean that he's gone crazy, watch out!) and Tyrion tells him that the only way to save his life was to send him back to the Night's Watch.

I've already discussed this but, honestly, what's the point of the Night's Watch now? 

D&D like

There are no White Walkers so we don't need to protect the world from those. The Wall is destroyed at Eastwatch so there's no point in pretending it's keeping anything in or out. The Wildlings are no longer a threat... It seems like the Night's Watch is now just a prison. In Northern territory. Which, if nothing else, seems like incredibly poor international policy. I don't see Sansa putting up with that for long.

There's a very meta moment when Jon asks "Was it right? What I did?" and Tyrion adds "What we did?" Cut straight from D&D in the writers' room.

Anyway, he sets off to head back to the Wall in his nice new coat. The city is doing just fine - there seems to be no building damage anymore (how long has it taken Jon to go to the Wall?) and the Dothraki and KL locals all living in harmony together (lol ok). Greyworm takes the Unsullied to Naarth (after giving Jon a very dirty look).

The Starks wait on the dock to say goodbye to Jon. Jon avoids calling Sansa Queen in the North, which is weird. He asks Arya if she'll visit him but Arya's forgotten she's a Stark again and is going to explore what's west of Westeros and what happens where the maps end. They cry together. Jon kneels in front of Bran and apologises for not being there when he was needed but Bran responds "You were exactly where you needed to be".

Basically, this confirms that Bran knew what was going to happen the entire time. And he just let it all happen. 

Why bother telling Jon who he really was? How would it have changed anything? 

Why is no one confronting him about the fact he just let all the innocent smallfolk die? Jon is imprisoned for killing Dany. Tyrion is imprisoned for committing treason. Bran just goes free, despite knowing exactly what was going to happen and not helping at all?

He could've stopped this and he did nothing. He's kind of a dick.

Meanwhile, Brienne finishes Jaime's record in the Kingsguard book, which somehow survived the fire... Luckily Jaime has two pages when everyone else has one. This scene was fine and I get how Braime fans would've loved Brienne's emotions in it but I just thought it was slightly unnecessary. Hey ho.

Then, we get three minutes of Tyrion rearranging the furniture for the Small Council. Quality. Content. Emmy-worthy.

Bronn is the Lord of Highgarden and Master of Coin (looooool NO), Davos is Master of Ships (I do love this but I wish he'd have mentioned his family at all in the last two seasons), Brienne seems to be the Commander of the Kingsguard and Sam is referred to as a Maester (HOW WHEN HE SHAGGED GILLY INSTEAD OF DOING HIS CITADEL TRAINING). Sam presents Tyrion with Ebrose's finished book (that he wrote the title of #shitgroupproject) called A Song of Ice and Fire.

For you, D&D

Bran arrives at the meeting and asks Tyrion to start looking for Masters of Whispers, War and Law. He then asks where Drogon is, which is what we're all thinking, and Sam says he was seen "heading East towards-" but then Bantersaurus Bronn interrupts because he's annoying af. Bran says he'll find Drogon. They all look at each other and he excuses himself, pushed out by Ser Pod, who looks smug AS in his Kingsguard get up.

They say bye to Bran the Broken, Ruler of the Six Kingdoms and then just turn the banter levels right up about grammar and brothels etc etc. LOL GOOD ONE GUYS HOW HILARIOUS WHAT AN UPLIFTING MOMENT AFTER THE MASSACRE LAST WEEK

Then there's a solid Stark montage:

Arya flies under a Stark banner (so she is still a Stark) and sails into the distance.

Sansa is crowned Queen of the North and is surrounded by complete strangers (where are the Vale lords? Where's Royce and Robin? Why is she completely alone? How is this happy?)

Jon arrives at Castle Black and is reunited with Tormund and Ghost (who finally gets pets). He then heads beyond the Wall with Tormund, Ghost and all the wildlings and it's implied he's abandoning his post. AGAIN. 

So, does Jon just live forever now? Can he not die? Does that make him more powerful than Bran? Should we be talking about this? Shouldn't people be like worshipping him? Where are all the other Lord of Light followers? Are they not interested in learning more about how he was brought back to life?!

And that's it. It's over.

I have SO much more to say but this is already so long so I think I'm going to leave it here and write a different blog post about what I personally think this means for the books.

As funny as I found this episode, it was painfully so. It was embarrassing to watch what is meant to be great TV fall to 'meh, it's fine' (not in my opinion but definitely in others') or 'people have ended up where I wanted them'. No that's unacceptable.

I just can't get my head around people who are pretending that just Season Eight, or just the finale, is the problem. Mate. Do a full S1-8 rewatch and tell me S5+ isn't a pile of shit. I dare you.

Highlights

• The CGI animals - Drogon nudging Dany and Ghost getting a stroke
• Dany seeing the throne
• How ridiculous the episode was, which made me laugh SO much

Lowlights

• The fact that this episode  was just The Tyrion Show
• The lack of actually breaking the wheel despite it being spoken about all episode
• Bronn
• The nonsense that was that Dragonpit Council
• The fact that all the plot-armoured characters (esp Tyrion and Jon Snow) are still alive

Summative Comment:

10/10 funniest GOT episode of all time, loved it

Thanks so much for being here with me for the last few seasons. I've found it really tough to watch my favourite story being torn apart and lauded as the best thing on TV and this blog has been super cathartic and has helped me get through it all. Hope you've enjoyed it as much as I've enjoyed writing it.

I cannot wait to have a full night's sleep next Sunday night. No more 2am get ups!

Season Eight, Episode Five - The Bells

Tyrion this episode be like

Well call me an innocent bystander in King's Landing because I am DEAD after Episode Five.

I can't yet tell if I died of laughter (it's SERIOUSLY called The Bells and I can't stop giggling about it) or from excessive eye rolling but, yep, I'm done. However, I am still going to try and pull it together long enough to write up a review. And, of course, I'll still be here next week.

If you'd like to catch up on the emotional rollercoaster that has been Season Eight thus far, my previous reviews are here: S8E1, S8E2, S8E3 and S8E4 and I also tweet fairly regularly on the subject of Game of Thrones (including live tweeting the episode at 02:00 GMT) . You can enjoy the saltiness here: @noneedtomoan.

Okay quick bit of honesty before we start: as a stand-alone episode, this wasn't as horrific as others have been in the past. I get what people are saying about the visuals.... But that's all the positive you're going to get, guys.

The problem comes when this episode is the penultimate one EVER. It isn't a standalone episode. It has an entire, complex storyline to fit into and it has a lot things it needs to do: character arcs should be drawing to a logical conclusion by now and plot stuff should be moving forward pretty quickly to get through it all in time.

I don't know how to put this any simpler: this doesn't happen. Looking at the episode in context, it's one of the worst ever in my opinion. Characters completely backtrack on their previous thoughts, there is tonnes of gratuitous violence with no story behind it, big characters end their GOT storylines in incredibly unsatisfactory scenes and we're all left feeling underwhelmed and empty.

D&D, the showrunners, have forgotten that we all love this show for the characters: not knowing who will do what next and what will be revealed to impact their lives. Shock value is an important part of the ASOIAF story, sure, but the shocks have to be earned. They have to mean something to the characters, any of them. Otherwise, you're just punking your audience for the sake of it. How can you not care about the characters you have brought to life like this? How can you not want better for them??

Okay. 

We open on Varys in Dragonstone, writing a scroll about Jon's true parentage... but for whom? A servant girl tells him that Dany isn't eating after the deaths of her dragon and Missandei were shoehorned in at the end of last week's episode. 

I think this servant girl is meant to be a callback to his 'little bird' spies... Doesn't this all feel a little Littefinger? A once-wise man, who's meant to be ahead of the game at every step, manipulating everyone to get to the long-term goal only known to him, now fallen to new lows and now being outsmarted constantly. Are we really meant to believe that he's masterfully puppeteering an ingenious plan to get Jon on the crown? Because he's really, really not. He's a different man.

Anyway, it would be lovely to see Dany actually going through this but, alas, we must see her pain through the eyes of men as Varys tells Jon when arrives with the Northern Army-

Erm. Where is everyone?

All the Unsullied?

Arya and The Hound? Didn't they leave before everyone else?

Where's Gendry? Where's Bronze Yohn?

Whatever. Jon's alone.

Varys is a proper beg and tells him how much he wants him to be King and Jon cannot state enough HOW LITTLE HE WANTS THIS VARYS. Anyway, Tyrion sees and goes and grasses on Varys to Dany, who is very clearly isolated and going through some stuff because her hair is a bit fluffy. Kudos to Dany here, she doesn't need Tyrion at all because she's figured out that he was told by Sansa, and then he told Varys. So basically it's all Tyrion's fault. He tries to brush this off but Dany calls him out on it, rightly so.

How is Varys' betrayal any worse than Tyrion's? He told Varys in the first place.

I swear D&D love Tyrion so much they've given him a bulletproof vest to protect him from the plot. He's never at risk of dying and everyone knows it. I wish Dany burned him too (oh yeah, she burns Varys, but we all saw that coming, right?)

I'm going to borrow a paragraph here about the whole Tyrion/Dany dynamic from Jess over at The Fandomentals. I have always found the Tyrion/Dany relationship to be strange and she managed to put my messy thoughts in one, concise paragraph that I could never dream of matching:

"Tyrion in the books is a ruined, broken man who wants to see the world burn. Might both he and Dany find the truth of consequence in their actions when we see Westeros aflame? I definitely think so. However, in the show, he’s there to continually mansplain at her and it’s why this seasons’ ‘Mad Queen’ arc is steeped in misogyny. Perspective. We aren’t seeing anything from Dany’s. We’re just being told by all the men around her how out of control she’s being." - The Fandomentals

Stemming from this, what I think I love the most about Dany executing Varys for betraying her is the reaction of the men around her. Jon and Tyrion seem uncomfortable at the idea of this murder for vengeance rather than for justice. 

How quick we forget, gents.

When our male heroes kill in Game of Thrones, it's deserved, but when Dany, our female now-baddie, does it, she's KERAZY*.

*this is not me defending how D&D frame Dany's behaviour this episode, merely exploring the ideas surrounding it.

Then there's some weird Jon/Dany stuff that I'm super bored of. He loves her but he won't kiss her. She loves him but she threatens his sister with "now she knows what happens when people know about you". She, yet again, complains that she is not loved here, only feared. When Jon dodges yet another auntie kiss, she announces, "All right then. Let it be fear".

Oh great, some Tyrion/Dany stuff! More scenes I'm already bored of seeing!

Me trying to work out how Jaime has arrived already

He tries to talk her down about attacking King's Landing and it works really well because she immediately tells Greyworm to gather the troops and wait outside the city for her; they'll know when to go. 

Tyrion says he will try to talk to Cersei (AGAIN) and Dany warns him that the next time he fails her really will be the last time and I MEAN IT OKAY TYRION.

He makes her promise that, if she hears the bells sound, she will stop her attack. She agrees and tells him that Jaime has been taken prisoner as he tried to cross their lines, clearly on his way to rescue Cersei the bloody turncoat.

After Tyrion tells Davos that Dany is ready to attack now (I mean I think Jon was there but he's essentially an extra in this episode so who knows?), he asks him for a favour that will require his smuggling skills... CUT TO Tyrion visiting Jaime and telling him he needs to get Cersei out of King's Landing. Jaime admits he doesn't care about the loss of innocent lives, just Cersei.

Tyrion reminds him of the bells (because he's a man obsessed) and how he's always been treated like a monster. He tells him to get Cersei and take her far away, using the boat Davos will put in place for them.

Oh also the adventures of Arya and the Hound continue, as they're permitted in the gates so she can go and kill Cersei.

Okie dokie. When talking about the smallfolk of King's Landing being in danger, Jaime said "To be honest, I never really cared much for them. Innocent or otherwise.”  Let's have a think about that.

Let's go way back and consider why he is known as the Kingslayer: King Aegon had gone mad and was going to use wildfire to burn King's Landing to the ground. He would've murdered his entire city of smallfolk, just so Robert's Rebellion had no city to rule over. Despite him being his king, Jaime killed him to stop him destroying the city and killing innocent people.

I know what you're thinking, though: that's all ancient history!

How about in Season Three, when he confronted Brienne in the Baths? She was judging him for being an oathbreaker and killing his king when he told her even she would break her oath (to her love, Renly) if there were thousands of men, women and children burned alive?

No? Still too long ago?

How about when he arrived up North alone, knowing everyone hated him (pushing children out of windows, killing the queen's father etc etc), but knowing it was more important to save the lives of everyone in Westeros rather than hiding out in King's Landing with Cersei? 

That was this season. Four episodes ago.

Jaime caring more about Cersei than the thousands of innocent people who will die at the hands of a Targaryen goes against eight seasons of (ropey at times) character development. I hate it.

ANYWAY. No one notices their Lannister prisoner has gone and the battle forges ahead. The Golden Company are guarding the gates and soldiers line the battlements. Our Northern boiz are 100% outmatched here.

Not to worry though because, somehow, despite Rheagal dying last episode when in the same situation, Drogon and Dany manage to dodge all of the Scorpions' arrows and set fire to the entire Iron Fleet, leaving Euron to jump from his burning ship. This part is over SO fast. I cannot stress that enough. It was so easy; it makes you wonder why she didn't just do it last episode, using the anger from her dead child Rheagal to fuel her.

Suddenly, the gates to King's Landing explode in flames as Dany and Drogon fly out of the city. The Golden Company is knocked down by the blast and some of them are set alight. Greyworm knows this is the signal and the army marches forward.
It's weird. I could've sworn the guys who take out the Golden Company are all Dothraki. And there's a lot of them. But we all saw The Long Night. We know the Dothraki were needlessly sacrificed by being on the front line. We saw one or two horses and a few men return.... Where did all of these people come from? Did you have to write the Dothraki back in because of how brutal they are about to be to women and children and you couldn't have just the Northern armies doing that?

Meanwhile, Tyrion wanders through the rubble looking sad (probably thinking about bells) and, up at the Red Keep, Qyburn tells Cersei the Scorpions are all destroyed and Blackwater Bay is no longer held by the Ironborne fleet (although all of Dany's men have managed to dock on King's Landing without any problems so this can hardly be a surprise).
There is some silence, which means TENSION, and the Lannister army throw down their swords in surrender. People are shouting for the bells (I can't include ANOTHER Hunchback GIF but just know it's all that's in my head this entire episode) and they start ringing, which makes Cersei cry in disappointment. She has lost.
This is brilliant. It's been less than an hour and the battle is won! No one needed to get hurt! It's over! Phew.
But, wait...

Dany is staring at the Red Keep. She's v angry. Cersei is staring back out.
According to D&D in the Inside the Episode, she didn't decide "ahead of time that she was going to do what she did. And then she sees the Red Keep which is, to her, the home that her family built when they came over to this country 300 years ago. It's in that moment on the walls of King's Landing, when she's looking at the symbol of everything that was taken from her, when she makes the decision to make this personal".

I wish I was sorry for using two Simpsons GIFs in a row...

Hoooo boy, here we go.

IT'S PERSONAL.

Dany's PERSONALLY going to go get Cersei.
She's going to Dracarys the fuck outta that bitch. Well deserved, we all say.

Take her down, Dany.
She's part of the legacy that destroyed your family. 
GO GET HER, GRR
MAKE IT PERSONAL

I mean surely you can sense what happens next.
Dany burns a load of innocent smallfolk alive.

...Sigh.
D&D, this is the very antithesis of what you are describing. How can this be a personal vendetta? Her beef is with the Lannisters (two of which she has actively avoided killing, btw) and the Baratheons (she legitimised one of those and how does he repay her? By not bloody coming to fight, that's how). These people running around King's Landing are not part of this so your justification of Dany deciding to make things 'personal' is wildly inaccurate.

Obviously, we're meant to see that Dany has gone mad. That it's in the Targaryen genes and she's completely lost it.
I don't hate this idea and, like a lot of what happens in tonight's episode, I can see it happening in the books, but you have too SEED this idea first. I spoke about this last week but, to briefly summarise it again, you can't hint at someone going mad and being isolated within a couple of episodes. This foreshadowing should have started SEASONS ago. It's come out of nowhere and it's not earned. This isn't good television. This is someone rushing to finish what they wish they'd never started (the feeling's mutual, boo).

And, as Jess from The Fandomentals points out again, we don't even get to see any justification from Dany about this. We get one quick look at her face when the bells are ringing and then NOPE. All our shots are of the innocent victims being hurt and of Tyrion and Jon looking on in horror. Dany has no agency during this episode and we don't ever get to see anything from her eyes, which would be a fascinating glance into madness. Why do we only get reactionary shots from the men who told her this was a bad idea? Misogyny gone mad.

Speaking of men out of control, the army take Dany's cruel setting alight of innocent bystanders as permission to pillage and rape King's Landing. Aside from pulling one man off a woman and killing a few enemy soldiers, Jon doesn't DO anything. He certainly doesn't lead his army. It's an embarrassing display of how little control Jon has over men that were framed last week as adoring him.

Deep breaths, everyone.

Okay we are now on a beach, seemingly leading to the secret tunnels that Arya definitely knows about and could be using, and Jaime sees his boat, ready to be rowed to Pentos (ok) but OH NO. Euron's alive!
Then what follows can only be described as the fight scene no one asked for. Euron stabs Jaime twice but then he, after a while, stabs him back... Honestly, no one cares guys. Euron, just die.

Oh, and anyone with complaints about Jaime surviving this stabbing, I would normally be 100% with you but this is the show that let Arya survive the Waif stabbing with absolutely no explanation and no lasting effects.


Welcome to Game of Thrones: A Show Without Logic.

As Jaime leaves, Euron is pretty happy with the situation, shouting that he is the man who killed the Kingslayer, reminding everyone of last time Jaime sacrificed his oath and honour to save a city. Lol how things change. Go get your girl, Jaime. She's all that matters, the murderous, conniving....

DEEP BREATHS

Qyburn has told Cersei the battle is lost (duh) and they have to leave. She cries and follows him, with The Mountain in tow.

Back in the city, there are little pockets of wildfire burning green in amongst the dragon's flames.
I didn't hate this but it really could've been played on better. I also thought wildfire was much more explosive and spread a lot faster than this. There seems to be little mini explosions and then it just stays as regular fire. Someone wiser than me teach me about wildfire plz because this taught me nothing.

Arya and the Hound have made it to the infamous floor map. The Hound tells Arya to turn back but she is convinced she needs to kill Cersei (you and half the GOT fandom, pal). He talks her out of it by saying that his entire life has been lived for revenge and she didn't want to end up like him.
(Lucky Sandor found peace with Brother Ray in Season Six, eh? What a storyarc)
Arya gets to call him Sandor and D&D claim in the Inside the Episode that he "loves her as much as he is capable of loving someone", properly breaking every SanSan stan's heart.

Arya runs away and thus begins a tale of The Unstoppable, Unkillable Arya Stark.
Everyone around her dies, as per usual, and it's basically just timing and running fast that save her. None of her training helps her here - just pure chance and plot armour.
She helps Dany murder poor ole Woman From Line of Duty and her daughter, whom she forces out of hiding and makes them run with her, just for them to die and her to live.

RIP in Peace xxx

Idk if it's just me but I don't care if Arya gets out of this alive. Mainly because I know she definitely will because it's Game of Thrones and, if we've learned anything it's that anyone can die at anytime unless you're Tyrion, Jon or Arya.

Anyway, enough of this. It's CleganeBowl time.
I hate the hype surrounding CleganeBowl because I just don't think the Hound will return to that place of anger after becoming the Grave Digger but, hey ho, I may be wrong because he meets up with The Mountain as he tries to flee with Qyburn and Cersei.
Then, the zombie Mountain. The literal pieces of flesh brought back to life. It... It gains sentience.
The mere sight of his brother brings back the old Mountain (but not when they saw each other in Season Seven because they had to get back to their own storylines) and he disobeys Cersei when she tells him to protect her. He also smashes Qyburn's head against some stairs. Noice.
Cersei is like 'peace, I'm out' and legs it while CLEGANEBOWL KICKS OFF OH YEAH

There's a swordfight, during which The Hound consistently forgets that The Mountain is already dead (because resurrection is cool man, everyone knows about it and they don't have to call him Robert Strong) and continues to stab him and gets annoyed when nothing happens. The final straw is when he stabs him right through the face and he just pulls it straight back out.

The Hound summons all his strength and launches himself at his brother, smashing through a wall and falling through the air into the flames below.
Again, I don't hate this and can imagine the books going a similar way if CleganeBowl happens but it's so much less meaningful because The Hound has consistently forgotten his debilitating fear of fire whenever it's convenient in the show (e.g. to ride a dragon).

Thankfully, a twice-stabbed Jaime has managed to find Cersei in their old rendezvous spot, the floor map (getting as much use out of that setpiece as possible before KL goes up in smoke I guess). She sees him and, forgetting that she has paid Bronn to KILL him, like she did with Tyrion last episode, runs into his arms and hugs him. She seems mildly upset he's hurt but, as I've just said, she has a hit out on him as they reunite soooo...

Oh also Jaime's hand grows back for this final scene, so cute <3

The coffee last week and the lack of golden hand prop this week... They really are just phoning it in at this point, aren't they? This season took them TWO YEARS to make.

They try to escape but the entrance is blocked and Cersei breaks down about the fact they're going to die. Jaime holds her and says "Nothing else matters. Only us".
The ceiling crumbles around them.

Dead.


Anyway, Jon and his army fall back but he should've made them do that ages ago if we're honest.

Arya wakes up and is the only survivor in a city of ashes. She wanders through the streets, bloody and bruised and, I swear I'm not making this up, walks into a horse.

This is the first time I have laughed out loud at Game of Thrones in a long ole while but something tells me I wasn't meant to.
Few things:
1) Where did the horse come from? (Apparently it's JonCon's from the Golden Company, you know from OUTSIDE the gates?)
2) How did it survive?
3) Why is it there?
4) What is the point? Surely the city is so empty, Arya can just walk out? It's very calm, despite Jon's rush to evacuate.

I've had a fair few arguments with strangers online about this scene today and people are claiming it's a Biblical reference (" I looked, and behold, an ashen horse; and he who sat on it had the name Death"). You know, because Arya is Death? #symbolism
Few problems with this, though. The reference is about the FOUR horsemen of the apocalypse and they appear BEFORE the apocalypse, not two episodes after. I don't believe this horse goes any deeper than it made for a nice visual and a cool ending to the episode.

And we're done!
Honestly, I think I'm now so over it it doesn't even make me angry anymore. I just hate it so so much.

I also find it hilarious that people are mad about this episode.
How can you find any episode post Season Five entertaining and then complain about this one? This is the result of all the corners cut in those earlier episodes. And, honestly, the writing is no poorer.
I don't get it.

One more week to go. Last EVER. How can they top this, guys?

Highlights:

• The horse was one of the funniest things I've ever seen
• 
  
•  

Lowlights:

• The lack of Dany's perspective and seeding for her madness
• The destruction of Jaime's character development
• Just everything that's happening

Summative Comment:

Quotes from Inside the Episode that I didn't have the strength to write about in my review but I had to share with you:
"Even when you look back to season one when Kahl Drogo gives the golden crown to Viserys and her reaction to watching her brother's head melt off. He was a terrible brother so I don't think anyone was crying when he died but there is something kind of chilling about the way Dany has reacted to the death of her enemies. If things had been different, I don't think this side of Dany would have ever come out. If Cersei hadn't betrayed her, if Cersei hadn't executed Missandei, if Jon hadn't told her the truth, if all these things would have happened in any different way, I don't think we'd be seeing this side of Daenerys Targaryen."
TRANSLATION: See, we've been telling you Dany's crazy since Season One but also if the events of the last three episodes hadn't have happened, she wouldn't be going mad now. CONTRADICTIONS ABOUND

"In most large stories like this, it seems like there's a tendency to focus on the heroic figures and not pay much attention to the people who may be suffering from the decisions made by those heroic people."
TRANSLATION: We're such heroes. Everyone else focuses on the heroes and not the smallfolk. I mean, yes, we didn't see the smallfolk reaction to Cersei blowing up the sept and everyone dying because that would've made Cersei look bad. We only show the smallfolk reaction when we want to paint a person as mad or evil and Cersei is just a good mum who cares about her kids man. The Shame Walk? Forget about it, don't worry. Dany is evil and that's why we see the smallfolk being terrified of her.

Arya's journey from the Red Keep to outside the gates of the city is the "longest hardest journey anyone has to make in this episode"
TRANSLATION: We don't mention the horse at all because it has no symbolic meaning and it just looked cool.

"Jaime by the end of Episode Five has come to terms with who he really is and he may not be happy with who he really is but he knows he's not. He knows what matters to him and Cersei's what matters to him"
TRANSLATION: Remember when we fixed Jaime's character and he finally understood honour? And he knighted Brienne? And he slept with Brienne? And he seemed like a decent person who just wanted to make the right choices LOL PYSCH HE LOVES CERSEI FOREVER AND EVER AND ONLY CARES ABOUT THEM, FUCK EVERYONE ELSE

Season Eight, Episode Four - The Last of the Starks

I can't decide if I'm so over the show that its horrible-ness is now hysterical to me or if I'm just so tired of it all that I'm essentially considering ending it all to make it stop. Join me on an adventure to figure out which it is.
If you'd like to catch up on the emotional rollercoaster that has been Season Eight thus far, my previous reviews are here: S8E1, S8E2,
S8E3 and I also tweet fairly regularly on the subject of Game of Thrones (including live tweeting the episode at 02:00 GMT) . You can enjoy the saltiness here: @noneedtomoan.

We open episode four at Winterfell, in the aftermath of the Long War which was hyped up for centuries and ended up being over and done with in an episode thanks to a flying girl (still not over it). The Named Character Gang are all here (obviously, they all survived) and are having a funeral for all of the red shirts.
Now I'm going to do something I don't do very often here and pay the Game of Thrones team a COMPLIMENT. Yep, you heard right.

I can actually SEE shit. I cannot tell you how happy it made me to be able to instantly understand who was who and what was happening. Well done, guys. Good job.
Now back to tearing your work apart.

Dany is incredibly sad about Jorah dying, of course. Sansa is very sad about Theon and places a wolf pin on him, which is sweet. Jon looks at lil Lyanna 'Giant-Slayer' Mormont and, according to D&D in the Inside the Episode, which I recommend you watch if you want to punch a wall until you cry, at this bit he thinks about his birth mother (WHO WAS CALLED LYANNA, GUYS). This emotional pondering of his mum did not translate onto screen for me and just caused me to, once again, think that if D&D want a scene to convey something, they should probably get someone to talk about it and not expect it to get across in a LOOK. *eye roll*
They burn the bodies in a mass funeral pyre which must have smelled horrendous. Honestly, how everyone was in the mood for sex when that smell was still lingering in their clothes and hair and stuff I have no idea.

I didn't hate this scene and it worked in that it gave us a second to remember just how serious the battle was, despite no one actually important dying lol.

However, it did leave me with a couple of questions:
Is there any need to burn the bodies?
A cremation nowadays is not unusual. However, if I'm remembering correctly, in Westeros, the more common method is either burial or, if you come from a notable house, you are placed in the family crypts/tomb. The only exception was the Targaryen family, which did burn their loved ones' bodies.
The only reason anyone else would ever burn bodies in the show (and the books) was because you were worried the dead body was going to reanimate as a wight. This used to only happen North of the Wall but it had happened at Castle Black and, since the Wall fell, I guess all bets are off. Now, the reason I'm making a deal out of this is because Arya killed the NK last episode (oh, what, you didn't hear? She SLAAAYEDDD, yas qween #feminism) and all of the wights fell. Now, those bodies are nowhere to be seen so did they have a less ceremonial burning of those round the back of WF? (IMAGINE THE SMELL) Why are they burning these bodies? Okay maybe Dany wanted Jorah burned this way but... Everyone else? Why waste their energy and time building all these pyres? Why live with the smell for this long completely unnecessarily? (I know I'm dwelling on the smell but good Lord someone think of the smell). Yeah, I didn't get this.

Black? For Winter? How groundbreaking.

Why is everyone wearing black now?
I think it was Preston Jacobs who pointed this out in his last video (if you don't watch his channel, you really should) but, in Westeros, black was exclusively for the Night's Watch. It was called 'Taking the Black'. They were the only people who wore black. Everyone else wore their house colours.
I get making the lighting dark and moody for atmosphere and to show how dark and sinister the show is now but, really, there's no need for so many characters to be wearing black. It doesn't fit with the universe for both the show and the books.

Speaking of the Night's Watch, is there any need for it now?
The men of the Night's Watch chose to take the black, often in lieu of an execution, to protect Westeros. They were the watchers in the night. Their job was to watch the Wall and protect the realm from the evil things beyond it. We later learn these were the Night's King, the useless White Walkers and the slow-moving oh no wait they're super fast wights. But. Arya killed them all (did you not hear? She's super great. She saved the world by inexplicably flying through the air #feminism). Sooooo they're all dead forever? No need to burn bodies and definitely no need for anyone to ever inhabit the Wall and protect the realm anymore. So executions and imprisonments will go up massively, then? Someone's head will roll for the increase in those figures. #executionpuns.

Back in the Great Hall at Hogwarts, there's an amazing feast going on. It has once again returned to being ridiculously dark because I can't have anything. The revelry is meant to be a stark (heh) contrast to the previous scene but, yeah, it just felt... wrong. Anyway, the top table seems super awkward so we pan around the room for other interesting people.
Gendry asks the Hound if he knows where Arya is, leading to a weird exchange where the Hound essentially tells Gendry off for only thinking about sex at a time like this (when EVERYONE ELSE is thinking about sex). When did Gendry tell the Hound he'd banged Arya? Why did we not get to see that scene? At what point during the battle did Gendry have a sec to nudge the Hound and be like "I got some, you know"??

Whatever.
Gendry gets up to look for Arya and Dany stops him and asks him if he's a Baratheon bastard. WHEN DID SOMEONE TELL HER THIS? I'd just like a run down of who is being told things and when because I really can't keep up with what levels of knowledge each person has. Dany says he is no longer Gendry Rivers and he's now Lord Gendry Baratheon of Storm's End.
[I'll let the Game of Thrones wiki page for Gendry explain what's wrong with this:
First, he was never an acknowledged bastard of Robert Baratheon, and thus never used a special bastard surname - in the same episode he also admitted that he never even knew Robert was his father until after he died. Second, it is simply the wrong bastard surname: "Rivers" is the surname used by bastards in the Riverlands, but Gendry is from the Crownlands, and thus would have used the bastard surname "Waters". Nonetheless, no one ever called him "Gendry Waters" or "Gendry Rivers" before that point - as he wasn't an acknowledged bastard.]

Safe in the knowledge he's now a lord, he goes to find Arya, who shoots an arrow at him (aw how cool, women are strong too, I just love what they're doing here #feminism). He proposes and she refuses, using a lovingly Random Repeated Line from a Previous Season:


Good writing = Repeating things.

Back inside, Emilia is mad because her Starbucks has gone cold.

You have to squint through the darkness but yep that's real

I can't even broach this one. It's such a stupid and embarrassing mistake that should never happen on any show, let alone the biggest and most expensive TV show in the world.


Obviously, Dany is angry about something that makes much more sense... All of the men LOVE Jon and that makes her nervous because D&D are trying to seed her Going Mad™.



I don't get the celebration and praise surrounding Jon. What did Jon do last week that would lead anyone to think he deserves praise? Explain to me how last week's episode would have gone any differently without Jon. Even just the 'taking part', that's literally what everyone else did. Why would he get more praise for that? 
I don't get why everyone is obsessed with the idea of him being a better leader than Dany as people are drawn to him etc. Have you seen Kit in this role? Are 'charismatic', 'charming' or 'beguiling' words you'd use to describe Kit's Jon Snow? I certainly wouldn't. The whole storyline of Dany being paranoid and people wanting to put Jon on the throne because he'll be well-liked (as well as his claim) irked me this week because they haven't presented him as a particularly captivating or inspirational leader at any point in the show.
Also, they just casually talk about Jon being resurrected. That was a secret, right? So, does EVERYONE know now? Or just select people that talk about it openly without fear of others overhearing.



Seriously though, why is Jon being lauded more than Arya? Yeah, they did a toast for her but... How is anyone else responsible for last week's battle being a success? Arya's the only reason they succeeded. Stop pretending Jon was useful.



Then, because I needed reminding of university in 2008, the LADS are playing a fun drinking game with Brienne.
It's pretty cringe, but then it gets v awkward for bookfans when Tyrion, Jaime and Brienne discuss Tyrion's marriage prior to Sansa.
[This marriage was to a woman called Tysha. Tyrion loved her immediately and, despite her being a commoner, married her. When Tywin discovered this, he told Jaime to tell Tyrion that Tysha was a whore who had been paid to make him a man. Tywin then had her gang-raped by his guards in their barracks; for each guard, he gave her a silver. To drive the lesson home, Tywin forced his son to be the last man, for whom Tysha was paid a gold coin, because Lannisters were worth more. Jaime later admits that Tysha was not a whore and, on his escape from King's Landing, asks Tywin where she went. When he responds "wherever whores go", Tyrion shoots him with the crossbow.  Tyrion's murder of Tywin in the books is revenge for his lies about Tysha, who was just a low-born girl who loved Tyrion. This doesn't happen in the show. I think he murdered Tywin because he was mad at him for sleeping with Shae? It's a true travesty they overlooked it as it's a massive character development point for our Tyrion.]

Anyway, in the show, we have heard about Tysha being a whore and Tywin making Tyrion be the last to rape her but nothing further. It's a real sore point for book fans that they just skipped this bit out (maybe because they were worried about how it would colour Jaime?) and to bring it up in passing is a slap in the face.
WHATEVER BRIENNE YOU'RE A VIRGIN ANYWAY*
*paraphrased from Tyrion

Brienne and Jaime have sex and I don't hate it but I don't stan these two at all so I don't get a lot out of this scene if I'm honest. I always see them as friends that can't quite grasp their own friendship. I get respect for each other but never sexy vibez. I buy them getting together in the books too, I'm not against the relationship happening, but I'm just saying that this scene was not made for me. I'd just have rather something like this happened:

Speaking of stanned couples, Sansa is finally allowed to talk to the Hound.

[In case you don't know, SanSan stans believe that a relationship is forming between Sansa and Sandor Clegane and want it to happen so HARD. I'm very much on the fence with this as I am with the aforementioned Braime relationship but I think there's a lot more evidence for this one. The whole Beauty and the Beast motif, Sandor putting his cloak around Sansa after she's abused by Joffrey, her singing to him while he hides from the fire, and, of course, Sandor offering to take Sansa away from King's Landing to keep her safe]
So, after that little lesson, you can imagine the build up this scene has had in some fans' minds. They were expecting big things and, for a while, things look like they might go well.

"Lol ur so right, it was all my fault am sorry i doubted u"

Then... ugh:

"Heard you were broken in rough... None of it would have happened if you'd left KL with me"

Way to victim-blame, Sandor. It's not Sansa's fault she was raped and there were a hundred better ways to word this without making it a I TOLD YOU SO moment. Also, "broken in rough". Vom.

Even worse, Sansa agrees with this character assassination, holds his hands and says "without Littlefinger and Ramsey and all the rest, I would've remained a little bird all my life".

This is basically D&D saying that they made Sansa into who she is (a catty woman with the best ideas but who everyone ignores) by merging her character into another's and forcing that horrendous rape scene on her. The rape wasn't cruel and unnecessary according to them; it was mandatory for it to happen for character development.

I hate it I hate it I hate it.

Meanwhile, Jon and Dany can't decide if they're into incest or not. Dany says she wishes Jon had never told her but he insists it doesn't matter because he doesn't want the crown anyway, she's his queen. Dany's cool with this, if he promises not to tell anyone. He's fine with this because he was the same about his resurrection-

Or maybe he'll just tell his siblings (via Bran) and tell them to keep it secret. WHAT A PLAN, JON.

[Side note: why can't Dany and Jon just get married ffs?! No one needs to know he's who he really is and, if it comes out, they're already married so they can share the throne?! She can't be usurped; he's her husband]

Prior to this scene, which cuts off just at the important part (thanks, guys), there's an awkward war room planning scene where Sansa is, yet again, the only one making sense and suggests they give their armies a chance to rest up. There's no rush now the WWs are dealt with - let's all just chill out and plan this properly with an army that hasn't just built 100 funeral pyres and isn't horrendously hungover. But, nope, Dany and Jon decide, with Tyrion's help, that pressing forward and travelling South is the best. Their plan? Starve out King's Landing. Solid idea. And Jaime is going to stay in Winterfell with Brienne over going back to King's Landing to face Cersei.

What thrilling TV these events will make. Both will definitely happen.

Oh yeah also there's a new Dornish prince but don't ask too many questions about that, okay?

Bronn's banter levels turned up to 11

Also, Bronn manages to pick a room at random in Winterfell and find Tyrion and Jaime sat behind it. I cannot express how much I hated this scene.

I feel like they wanted some humour this episode and they put it ALL in this five minute scene. It was hard going.

Tyrion offers Bronn Highgarden (what the actual fuck) and he accepts and promises not to do no murders on either of them.

"I will come and find you when the war is done"

Oh... okay. Was fun seeing you. Bye Bronn!

Then it's time for everyone to go and Arya is going with the ladz on the Kingsroad. She somehow manages to sneak up on The Hound whilst riding a horse right behind him (?) and they have yet another reunion chat. The Hound says he's never coming back and Arya agrees with him.

lol jk she's no one again

Wonder what Arya will do after King's Landing. Presumably roam around telling people she's no one but also she's Arya Stark and she's going home.

Back inside Winterfell, Tyrion is about to leave but his Sansa senses are tingling and he knows something is wrong. Then, in what is described by D&D in the Inside the Episode as a "Littlefinger move", Sansa breaks her promise made in the godswood and tells Tyrion about Jon. Offscreen. You don't need to see that bit.

[No. Sansa wouldn't do this. There are other ways the news could have found its way to Tyrion or Varys (little birds anyone? Bran telling someone because they need to know and he's not Bran so he can't make vows anymore as the 3ER? Arya saying it to Dany in public because she's a ard nut?) but I don't like it having to be Sansa breaking her vow to Jon... because she hates Dany? Gah. They frame everything as women vs women. Also, this is definitely a Littlefinger move in terms of the character from the show. He was shit at manipulating people for an end goal and just fucked with people for no reason. In the books, he's actually good at what he does. Anyone can see this isn't a manipulation: this is Sansa trying to get one over on Dany because she hates her because #womenontop. Thank god she was "broken in rough", eh? Otherwise she'd never be able to plan master moves like this]

Anyway, the rest of the crew is readying themselves to leave when they finally reveal that Gilly is pregnant because "there's nothing else to do in Oldtown". I can't believe Sam and Jon are still around, casually chatting about breaking their NW oaths and Edd, who actually did everything he was supposed to, was bullied for not having sex with women (like he was meant to, it's a vow, you don't do that SAM) and then killed trying to rescue Sam who promised he'd stay in the crypts anyway. Ffs.

Also this happens:

I hate everyone. This is so lazy.

Just because you didn't want to CGI Ghost anymore. Why even bother writing him back in the show?

Why would he not be at home South of the Wall? He's with you, Jon. Where he's meant to be. He's a part of you. He's symbolic of so much shit I can't even begin.

Essentially, D&D really didn't get the point of direwolves because omg look drogens they so powerful and scary and Jon can ride one so he doesn't need a doggo any more.

HATE HATE HATE IT

[Also what sort of MONSTER gives their pet away and doesn't even stroke its head or cuddle it in some way? not even a goodbye? Fuck you Jon. Enjoy that dragon you prick]

Tyrion and Varys have a few different conversations about Sansa's revelation and their options pretty much boil down to them getting married. Varys has a few issues with this though: incest (*cough* Jaime and Cersei *cough*) and Dany being too 'hot-headed' for Jon.

[Keep an eye on this because this is going to be fun. D&D only have this and one more episode really to seed Dany as being paranoid and descending into madness now (one can assume from this heavy handed foreshadowing that this is what they're trying to do). It's going to be clunky and completely out of the blue and it's rubbish. Dany has been doing morally dubious and mad/paranoid things since Drogo died and we were expected to react by clicking our fingers and screaming YAS QWEEN because she was the underdog and we wanted her to get her throne. You can't decide mid-final-season to completely change a character arc to make your ending work. This is why you PLAN, guys.]

Okay and then the moment we've all been waiting for (well, those of us that read the leaks).

Dany is flying through the air, with a clear view of all that is below her. She approaches Dragonstone when Rheagal is hit by three crossbows. Who did this, you ask?

Why it's Euron and his entire fleet who were HIDDEN BEHIND A CLIFF!

They shot the scorpion crossbow things Qyburn invented THROUGH a cliff. Incredible scenes. Unfortunately, Euron and the fleet's aim gets really bad if the target isn't on the other side of the cliff and is flying directly at them. After they miss Dany and Drogon, they take aim at Dany's fleet instead.

Could she just shout Dracarys? Or just go behind them and burn them all?
You're DAMN RIGHT SHE COULD

Everyone regroups afterwards and we're not sure if there's been a lot of casualties or what but we do know Cersei knew how important Missandei was to Dany and has taken her hostage instead of killing her. She's also pregnant with Euron's baby and is letting all of the commonfolk into King's Landing in the hopes they will be a buffer between the 'mad' woman with the dragon and her.

Back in Dragonstone, they are discussing the kidnap of Missandei (we don't know how they know she's being held hostage and hasn't just died in the ambush). 

Also, why not take more of Dany's people hostage? Tyrion was knocked out by that mast, right? Would he not have been the perfect hostage? THIS SHOW IS SO STUPID

Dany wants immediate vengeance and wants to burn Cersei rn ok I'm not waiting for Jon. Varys and Tyrion manage to talk her off the ledge and she sees the right thing to do is give Cersei the option to surrender before going in all drogens blazing.

We get some more "oop, she's going a bit crazy" chat from Tyrion and Varys and the latter seems to imply he's changing his loyalties.

Back Up Norf, Jaime is told what's happened and decides in the middle of the night to go back to King's Landing. Because Dany is 'mad' now and following in her father's footsteps? Because Jaime had to take matters into his own hands when her father tried to burn down King's Landing, taking masses of innocent lives with them, and he needs to stop Dany from doing the exact same thing? Poetic, him having to stop a mad Targaryen again, eh? And kill the rightful monarch?

Jaime's character development?

Lol nope it's because Cersei is his "addiction" (another D&D classic quote from the Inside the Episode). 

Remember the knighting? Remember how much you all loved the new, apologetic Jaime who was more about honour and doing the right thing? You could've kept him but NOPE. And don't come at me with the whole 'he was lying to Brienne to make sure she didn't follow him' theory -- D&D said it was because Cersei is his addiction. They wrote it. That's why he left. 

Outside King's Landing, Dany and her laughable teeny army wait as Tyrion treats with Qyburn. Neither side are willing to surrender so Tyrion goes straight to the source and implores Cersei to think of her innocent baby (lol Euron must be confused by this, right?) and the innocent lives of others.

He tells her he knows she's not a monster.

I don't know why Dany is being built up to be a crazed monster when Cersei literally blew up the sept and murdered LOADS of people because they punished her for a crime she actually committed. How is Cersei being given empathy and Dany is being cast out for being a tyrant unwilling to recognise herself as one? Sigh.

Also, fun fact. Cersei sent someone to kill Tyrion. Now Tyrion stands before her, unarmed. She's not going to surrender and so she's going to piss off Dany and her army anyway. If she wants Tyrion dead, now's her opportunity right?

Nope she just lets him speak then beheads Missandei.

Quick Q: Why could this not have been Jorah instead? Why does he get the glory of going out protecting Dany (Missandei could've died in the crypts instead) and the woman of colour is taken hostage and brutally murdered in front of her? Everyone knew about Dany and Jorah but I'm not sure how memorable her relationship with Missandei was to the rest of Westeros.

Missandei's last word is "Dracarys", urging Dany to seek vengeance by setting fire to King's Landing and risking countless innocent lives. Yeah. Nice, calm, loving Missandei seems like the sort of person who would tell her queen to slaughter innocent people to avenge her life. She definitely wouldn't just say "valar morghulis", the phrase she interpreted for Dany back in Season 3 that would mean she was accepting of her death as we all must die. Nah. Fire and violence, please.

Anyway, Dany is SUPER ANNOYED and marches off towards her dragon as the episode ends.

I'm guessing, GUESSING, next week is a battle so that'll be fun. The big question is: will it be daylight?

Highlights:

• I didn't hate Braime
• That scene where I could see stuff for a bit
• Varys seeming willing to back Jon for the throne for the #tension

Lowlights:

• Continuity Errors [coffee cup, Gendry's surname... this show costs way too much to have embarrassing mistakes]
• Ghost
• Sandor being gross to Sansa
• Everything Euron did
• Cersei not killing Tyrion and him empathising with a mad woman
• Bronn
• What they did to Jaime

Summative Comment:

Every episode so far has confirmed the leaks I read a few months ago.

Everything is on fire.

The books are going to be fine.