Season Eight, Episode Four - The Last of the Starks

I can't decide if I'm so over the show that its horrible-ness is now hysterical to me or if I'm just so tired of it all that I'm essentially considering ending it all to make it stop. Join me on an adventure to figure out which it is.
If you'd like to catch up on the emotional rollercoaster that has been Season Eight thus far, my previous reviews are here: S8E1, S8E2,
S8E3 and I also tweet fairly regularly on the subject of Game of Thrones (including live tweeting the episode at 02:00 GMT) . You can enjoy the saltiness here: @noneedtomoan.

We open episode four at Winterfell, in the aftermath of the Long War which was hyped up for centuries and ended up being over and done with in an episode thanks to a flying girl (still not over it). The Named Character Gang are all here (obviously, they all survived) and are having a funeral for all of the red shirts.
Now I'm going to do something I don't do very often here and pay the Game of Thrones team a COMPLIMENT. Yep, you heard right.

I can actually SEE shit. I cannot tell you how happy it made me to be able to instantly understand who was who and what was happening. Well done, guys. Good job.
Now back to tearing your work apart.

Dany is incredibly sad about Jorah dying, of course. Sansa is very sad about Theon and places a wolf pin on him, which is sweet. Jon looks at lil Lyanna 'Giant-Slayer' Mormont and, according to D&D in the Inside the Episode, which I recommend you watch if you want to punch a wall until you cry, at this bit he thinks about his birth mother (WHO WAS CALLED LYANNA, GUYS). This emotional pondering of his mum did not translate onto screen for me and just caused me to, once again, think that if D&D want a scene to convey something, they should probably get someone to talk about it and not expect it to get across in a LOOK. *eye roll*
They burn the bodies in a mass funeral pyre which must have smelled horrendous. Honestly, how everyone was in the mood for sex when that smell was still lingering in their clothes and hair and stuff I have no idea.

I didn't hate this scene and it worked in that it gave us a second to remember just how serious the battle was, despite no one actually important dying lol.

However, it did leave me with a couple of questions:
Is there any need to burn the bodies?
A cremation nowadays is not unusual. However, if I'm remembering correctly, in Westeros, the more common method is either burial or, if you come from a notable house, you are placed in the family crypts/tomb. The only exception was the Targaryen family, which did burn their loved ones' bodies.
The only reason anyone else would ever burn bodies in the show (and the books) was because you were worried the dead body was going to reanimate as a wight. This used to only happen North of the Wall but it had happened at Castle Black and, since the Wall fell, I guess all bets are off. Now, the reason I'm making a deal out of this is because Arya killed the NK last episode (oh, what, you didn't hear? She SLAAAYEDDD, yas qween #feminism) and all of the wights fell. Now, those bodies are nowhere to be seen so did they have a less ceremonial burning of those round the back of WF? (IMAGINE THE SMELL) Why are they burning these bodies? Okay maybe Dany wanted Jorah burned this way but... Everyone else? Why waste their energy and time building all these pyres? Why live with the smell for this long completely unnecessarily? (I know I'm dwelling on the smell but good Lord someone think of the smell). Yeah, I didn't get this.

Black? For Winter? How groundbreaking.

Why is everyone wearing black now?
I think it was Preston Jacobs who pointed this out in his last video (if you don't watch his channel, you really should) but, in Westeros, black was exclusively for the Night's Watch. It was called 'Taking the Black'. They were the only people who wore black. Everyone else wore their house colours.
I get making the lighting dark and moody for atmosphere and to show how dark and sinister the show is now but, really, there's no need for so many characters to be wearing black. It doesn't fit with the universe for both the show and the books.

Speaking of the Night's Watch, is there any need for it now?
The men of the Night's Watch chose to take the black, often in lieu of an execution, to protect Westeros. They were the watchers in the night. Their job was to watch the Wall and protect the realm from the evil things beyond it. We later learn these were the Night's King, the useless White Walkers and the slow-moving oh no wait they're super fast wights. But. Arya killed them all (did you not hear? She's super great. She saved the world by inexplicably flying through the air #feminism). Sooooo they're all dead forever? No need to burn bodies and definitely no need for anyone to ever inhabit the Wall and protect the realm anymore. So executions and imprisonments will go up massively, then? Someone's head will roll for the increase in those figures. #executionpuns.

Back in the Great Hall at Hogwarts, there's an amazing feast going on. It has once again returned to being ridiculously dark because I can't have anything. The revelry is meant to be a stark (heh) contrast to the previous scene but, yeah, it just felt... wrong. Anyway, the top table seems super awkward so we pan around the room for other interesting people.
Gendry asks the Hound if he knows where Arya is, leading to a weird exchange where the Hound essentially tells Gendry off for only thinking about sex at a time like this (when EVERYONE ELSE is thinking about sex). When did Gendry tell the Hound he'd banged Arya? Why did we not get to see that scene? At what point during the battle did Gendry have a sec to nudge the Hound and be like "I got some, you know"??

Whatever.
Gendry gets up to look for Arya and Dany stops him and asks him if he's a Baratheon bastard. WHEN DID SOMEONE TELL HER THIS? I'd just like a run down of who is being told things and when because I really can't keep up with what levels of knowledge each person has. Dany says he is no longer Gendry Rivers and he's now Lord Gendry Baratheon of Storm's End.
[I'll let the Game of Thrones wiki page for Gendry explain what's wrong with this:
First, he was never an acknowledged bastard of Robert Baratheon, and thus never used a special bastard surname - in the same episode he also admitted that he never even knew Robert was his father until after he died. Second, it is simply the wrong bastard surname: "Rivers" is the surname used by bastards in the Riverlands, but Gendry is from the Crownlands, and thus would have used the bastard surname "Waters". Nonetheless, no one ever called him "Gendry Waters" or "Gendry Rivers" before that point - as he wasn't an acknowledged bastard.]

Safe in the knowledge he's now a lord, he goes to find Arya, who shoots an arrow at him (aw how cool, women are strong too, I just love what they're doing here #feminism). He proposes and she refuses, using a lovingly Random Repeated Line from a Previous Season:


Good writing = Repeating things.

Back inside, Emilia is mad because her Starbucks has gone cold.

You have to squint through the darkness but yep that's real

I can't even broach this one. It's such a stupid and embarrassing mistake that should never happen on any show, let alone the biggest and most expensive TV show in the world.


Obviously, Dany is angry about something that makes much more sense... All of the men LOVE Jon and that makes her nervous because D&D are trying to seed her Going Mad™.



I don't get the celebration and praise surrounding Jon. What did Jon do last week that would lead anyone to think he deserves praise? Explain to me how last week's episode would have gone any differently without Jon. Even just the 'taking part', that's literally what everyone else did. Why would he get more praise for that? 
I don't get why everyone is obsessed with the idea of him being a better leader than Dany as people are drawn to him etc. Have you seen Kit in this role? Are 'charismatic', 'charming' or 'beguiling' words you'd use to describe Kit's Jon Snow? I certainly wouldn't. The whole storyline of Dany being paranoid and people wanting to put Jon on the throne because he'll be well-liked (as well as his claim) irked me this week because they haven't presented him as a particularly captivating or inspirational leader at any point in the show.
Also, they just casually talk about Jon being resurrected. That was a secret, right? So, does EVERYONE know now? Or just select people that talk about it openly without fear of others overhearing.



Seriously though, why is Jon being lauded more than Arya? Yeah, they did a toast for her but... How is anyone else responsible for last week's battle being a success? Arya's the only reason they succeeded. Stop pretending Jon was useful.



Then, because I needed reminding of university in 2008, the LADS are playing a fun drinking game with Brienne.
It's pretty cringe, but then it gets v awkward for bookfans when Tyrion, Jaime and Brienne discuss Tyrion's marriage prior to Sansa.
[This marriage was to a woman called Tysha. Tyrion loved her immediately and, despite her being a commoner, married her. When Tywin discovered this, he told Jaime to tell Tyrion that Tysha was a whore who had been paid to make him a man. Tywin then had her gang-raped by his guards in their barracks; for each guard, he gave her a silver. To drive the lesson home, Tywin forced his son to be the last man, for whom Tysha was paid a gold coin, because Lannisters were worth more. Jaime later admits that Tysha was not a whore and, on his escape from King's Landing, asks Tywin where she went. When he responds "wherever whores go", Tyrion shoots him with the crossbow.  Tyrion's murder of Tywin in the books is revenge for his lies about Tysha, who was just a low-born girl who loved Tyrion. This doesn't happen in the show. I think he murdered Tywin because he was mad at him for sleeping with Shae? It's a true travesty they overlooked it as it's a massive character development point for our Tyrion.]

Anyway, in the show, we have heard about Tysha being a whore and Tywin making Tyrion be the last to rape her but nothing further. It's a real sore point for book fans that they just skipped this bit out (maybe because they were worried about how it would colour Jaime?) and to bring it up in passing is a slap in the face.
WHATEVER BRIENNE YOU'RE A VIRGIN ANYWAY*
*paraphrased from Tyrion

Brienne and Jaime have sex and I don't hate it but I don't stan these two at all so I don't get a lot out of this scene if I'm honest. I always see them as friends that can't quite grasp their own friendship. I get respect for each other but never sexy vibez. I buy them getting together in the books too, I'm not against the relationship happening, but I'm just saying that this scene was not made for me. I'd just have rather something like this happened:

Speaking of stanned couples, Sansa is finally allowed to talk to the Hound.

[In case you don't know, SanSan stans believe that a relationship is forming between Sansa and Sandor Clegane and want it to happen so HARD. I'm very much on the fence with this as I am with the aforementioned Braime relationship but I think there's a lot more evidence for this one. The whole Beauty and the Beast motif, Sandor putting his cloak around Sansa after she's abused by Joffrey, her singing to him while he hides from the fire, and, of course, Sandor offering to take Sansa away from King's Landing to keep her safe]
So, after that little lesson, you can imagine the build up this scene has had in some fans' minds. They were expecting big things and, for a while, things look like they might go well.

"Lol ur so right, it was all my fault am sorry i doubted u"

Then... ugh:

"Heard you were broken in rough... None of it would have happened if you'd left KL with me"

Way to victim-blame, Sandor. It's not Sansa's fault she was raped and there were a hundred better ways to word this without making it a I TOLD YOU SO moment. Also, "broken in rough". Vom.

Even worse, Sansa agrees with this character assassination, holds his hands and says "without Littlefinger and Ramsey and all the rest, I would've remained a little bird all my life".

This is basically D&D saying that they made Sansa into who she is (a catty woman with the best ideas but who everyone ignores) by merging her character into another's and forcing that horrendous rape scene on her. The rape wasn't cruel and unnecessary according to them; it was mandatory for it to happen for character development.

I hate it I hate it I hate it.

Meanwhile, Jon and Dany can't decide if they're into incest or not. Dany says she wishes Jon had never told her but he insists it doesn't matter because he doesn't want the crown anyway, she's his queen. Dany's cool with this, if he promises not to tell anyone. He's fine with this because he was the same about his resurrection-

Or maybe he'll just tell his siblings (via Bran) and tell them to keep it secret. WHAT A PLAN, JON.

[Side note: why can't Dany and Jon just get married ffs?! No one needs to know he's who he really is and, if it comes out, they're already married so they can share the throne?! She can't be usurped; he's her husband]

Prior to this scene, which cuts off just at the important part (thanks, guys), there's an awkward war room planning scene where Sansa is, yet again, the only one making sense and suggests they give their armies a chance to rest up. There's no rush now the WWs are dealt with - let's all just chill out and plan this properly with an army that hasn't just built 100 funeral pyres and isn't horrendously hungover. But, nope, Dany and Jon decide, with Tyrion's help, that pressing forward and travelling South is the best. Their plan? Starve out King's Landing. Solid idea. And Jaime is going to stay in Winterfell with Brienne over going back to King's Landing to face Cersei.

What thrilling TV these events will make. Both will definitely happen.

Oh yeah also there's a new Dornish prince but don't ask too many questions about that, okay?

Bronn's banter levels turned up to 11

Also, Bronn manages to pick a room at random in Winterfell and find Tyrion and Jaime sat behind it. I cannot express how much I hated this scene.

I feel like they wanted some humour this episode and they put it ALL in this five minute scene. It was hard going.

Tyrion offers Bronn Highgarden (what the actual fuck) and he accepts and promises not to do no murders on either of them.

"I will come and find you when the war is done"

Oh... okay. Was fun seeing you. Bye Bronn!

Then it's time for everyone to go and Arya is going with the ladz on the Kingsroad. She somehow manages to sneak up on The Hound whilst riding a horse right behind him (?) and they have yet another reunion chat. The Hound says he's never coming back and Arya agrees with him.

lol jk she's no one again

Wonder what Arya will do after King's Landing. Presumably roam around telling people she's no one but also she's Arya Stark and she's going home.

Back inside Winterfell, Tyrion is about to leave but his Sansa senses are tingling and he knows something is wrong. Then, in what is described by D&D in the Inside the Episode as a "Littlefinger move", Sansa breaks her promise made in the godswood and tells Tyrion about Jon. Offscreen. You don't need to see that bit.

[No. Sansa wouldn't do this. There are other ways the news could have found its way to Tyrion or Varys (little birds anyone? Bran telling someone because they need to know and he's not Bran so he can't make vows anymore as the 3ER? Arya saying it to Dany in public because she's a ard nut?) but I don't like it having to be Sansa breaking her vow to Jon... because she hates Dany? Gah. They frame everything as women vs women. Also, this is definitely a Littlefinger move in terms of the character from the show. He was shit at manipulating people for an end goal and just fucked with people for no reason. In the books, he's actually good at what he does. Anyone can see this isn't a manipulation: this is Sansa trying to get one over on Dany because she hates her because #womenontop. Thank god she was "broken in rough", eh? Otherwise she'd never be able to plan master moves like this]

Anyway, the rest of the crew is readying themselves to leave when they finally reveal that Gilly is pregnant because "there's nothing else to do in Oldtown". I can't believe Sam and Jon are still around, casually chatting about breaking their NW oaths and Edd, who actually did everything he was supposed to, was bullied for not having sex with women (like he was meant to, it's a vow, you don't do that SAM) and then killed trying to rescue Sam who promised he'd stay in the crypts anyway. Ffs.

Also this happens:

I hate everyone. This is so lazy.

Just because you didn't want to CGI Ghost anymore. Why even bother writing him back in the show?

Why would he not be at home South of the Wall? He's with you, Jon. Where he's meant to be. He's a part of you. He's symbolic of so much shit I can't even begin.

Essentially, D&D really didn't get the point of direwolves because omg look drogens they so powerful and scary and Jon can ride one so he doesn't need a doggo any more.

HATE HATE HATE IT

[Also what sort of MONSTER gives their pet away and doesn't even stroke its head or cuddle it in some way? not even a goodbye? Fuck you Jon. Enjoy that dragon you prick]

Tyrion and Varys have a few different conversations about Sansa's revelation and their options pretty much boil down to them getting married. Varys has a few issues with this though: incest (*cough* Jaime and Cersei *cough*) and Dany being too 'hot-headed' for Jon.

[Keep an eye on this because this is going to be fun. D&D only have this and one more episode really to seed Dany as being paranoid and descending into madness now (one can assume from this heavy handed foreshadowing that this is what they're trying to do). It's going to be clunky and completely out of the blue and it's rubbish. Dany has been doing morally dubious and mad/paranoid things since Drogo died and we were expected to react by clicking our fingers and screaming YAS QWEEN because she was the underdog and we wanted her to get her throne. You can't decide mid-final-season to completely change a character arc to make your ending work. This is why you PLAN, guys.]

Okay and then the moment we've all been waiting for (well, those of us that read the leaks).

Dany is flying through the air, with a clear view of all that is below her. She approaches Dragonstone when Rheagal is hit by three crossbows. Who did this, you ask?

Why it's Euron and his entire fleet who were HIDDEN BEHIND A CLIFF!

They shot the scorpion crossbow things Qyburn invented THROUGH a cliff. Incredible scenes. Unfortunately, Euron and the fleet's aim gets really bad if the target isn't on the other side of the cliff and is flying directly at them. After they miss Dany and Drogon, they take aim at Dany's fleet instead.

Could she just shout Dracarys? Or just go behind them and burn them all?
You're DAMN RIGHT SHE COULD

Everyone regroups afterwards and we're not sure if there's been a lot of casualties or what but we do know Cersei knew how important Missandei was to Dany and has taken her hostage instead of killing her. She's also pregnant with Euron's baby and is letting all of the commonfolk into King's Landing in the hopes they will be a buffer between the 'mad' woman with the dragon and her.

Back in Dragonstone, they are discussing the kidnap of Missandei (we don't know how they know she's being held hostage and hasn't just died in the ambush). 

Also, why not take more of Dany's people hostage? Tyrion was knocked out by that mast, right? Would he not have been the perfect hostage? THIS SHOW IS SO STUPID

Dany wants immediate vengeance and wants to burn Cersei rn ok I'm not waiting for Jon. Varys and Tyrion manage to talk her off the ledge and she sees the right thing to do is give Cersei the option to surrender before going in all drogens blazing.

We get some more "oop, she's going a bit crazy" chat from Tyrion and Varys and the latter seems to imply he's changing his loyalties.

Back Up Norf, Jaime is told what's happened and decides in the middle of the night to go back to King's Landing. Because Dany is 'mad' now and following in her father's footsteps? Because Jaime had to take matters into his own hands when her father tried to burn down King's Landing, taking masses of innocent lives with them, and he needs to stop Dany from doing the exact same thing? Poetic, him having to stop a mad Targaryen again, eh? And kill the rightful monarch?

Jaime's character development?

Lol nope it's because Cersei is his "addiction" (another D&D classic quote from the Inside the Episode). 

Remember the knighting? Remember how much you all loved the new, apologetic Jaime who was more about honour and doing the right thing? You could've kept him but NOPE. And don't come at me with the whole 'he was lying to Brienne to make sure she didn't follow him' theory -- D&D said it was because Cersei is his addiction. They wrote it. That's why he left. 

Outside King's Landing, Dany and her laughable teeny army wait as Tyrion treats with Qyburn. Neither side are willing to surrender so Tyrion goes straight to the source and implores Cersei to think of her innocent baby (lol Euron must be confused by this, right?) and the innocent lives of others.

He tells her he knows she's not a monster.

I don't know why Dany is being built up to be a crazed monster when Cersei literally blew up the sept and murdered LOADS of people because they punished her for a crime she actually committed. How is Cersei being given empathy and Dany is being cast out for being a tyrant unwilling to recognise herself as one? Sigh.

Also, fun fact. Cersei sent someone to kill Tyrion. Now Tyrion stands before her, unarmed. She's not going to surrender and so she's going to piss off Dany and her army anyway. If she wants Tyrion dead, now's her opportunity right?

Nope she just lets him speak then beheads Missandei.

Quick Q: Why could this not have been Jorah instead? Why does he get the glory of going out protecting Dany (Missandei could've died in the crypts instead) and the woman of colour is taken hostage and brutally murdered in front of her? Everyone knew about Dany and Jorah but I'm not sure how memorable her relationship with Missandei was to the rest of Westeros.

Missandei's last word is "Dracarys", urging Dany to seek vengeance by setting fire to King's Landing and risking countless innocent lives. Yeah. Nice, calm, loving Missandei seems like the sort of person who would tell her queen to slaughter innocent people to avenge her life. She definitely wouldn't just say "valar morghulis", the phrase she interpreted for Dany back in Season 3 that would mean she was accepting of her death as we all must die. Nah. Fire and violence, please.

Anyway, Dany is SUPER ANNOYED and marches off towards her dragon as the episode ends.

I'm guessing, GUESSING, next week is a battle so that'll be fun. The big question is: will it be daylight?

Highlights:

• I didn't hate Braime
• That scene where I could see stuff for a bit
• Varys seeming willing to back Jon for the throne for the #tension

Lowlights:

• Continuity Errors [coffee cup, Gendry's surname... this show costs way too much to have embarrassing mistakes]
• Ghost
• Sandor being gross to Sansa
• Everything Euron did
• Cersei not killing Tyrion and him empathising with a mad woman
• Bronn
• What they did to Jaime

Summative Comment:

Every episode so far has confirmed the leaks I read a few months ago.

Everything is on fire.

The books are going to be fine.

Season Eight, Episode Three - The Long Night

Oh boy.

I've been writing an arsey blog about Game of Thrones for three seasons now (twitter: @noneedtomoan and reviews: S8E1, S8E2) and watching the show for about five years and, honestly, this is the first time I've considered just stopping watching altogether.

It's - It's not good. Not good at all.
It's raised a lot of questions about the writing of the show and where it's heading next and I am scared and disappointed. Not an ideal mix. Wish me luck. It's a full 82 minutes of disaster to try and cover.

Okay before we just dive in, I want to reiterate a point about Game of Thrones that I touched on last week: I feel the showrunners (D&D) have completely missed the POINT of the story. 
The books (you know what, no, I'm not sorry) are a Song of Ice and Fire, the first book of which is about the Game of Thrones. The overriding message is the fight between the living and the dead. There are prophecies. The Long Night has been foretold and dreaded for eons. The longest winter will come and it will be horrendous; the Night's King will try to make the entirety of the Seven Kingdoms into undead wights and it will be bloody and brutal and only a miracle could prevent it from happening. Personally, I feel that this story has been being built for eight seasons, to culminate in a one-episode battle where not very much changes at all.
I think GRRM has bigger plans for the army of the dead than them just being defeated at Winterfell and everyone's lives moving on and the focus returning to who is sitting on a throne. In fact, I'd hazard a guess that he will want to make the complete opposite point. I knew D&D didn't get this but, before tonight I had no idea just how poorly they had interpreted the core message of the books: battling for power is meaningless in comparison to the war between the living and the dead.

Remember? When Jon and Dany were trying to convince Cersei of this? So meta.

I will come back to this repeatedly so I just wanted to get it out there right at the beginning.
Phew. This does not bode well.

Let's go.

We open on an Ok, Go! music video. We see Sam and Tyrion looking fairly panicked as they wait clearly not in the crypts as discussed boys and the BranBot 9000 as cool as ever as he's wheeled about. The ominous drums are ominous as it shows us a lot of nondescript Northerners preparing to die for the protagonists.
Admittedly, this long tracking shot is a cool way to show us how Winterfell is preparing for the battle ahead.
Quick question though - didn't we have two episodes of Winterfell preparing for the battle ahead? I feel like last week's episode could just have easily not happened and I'd already be caught up.

GHOST ALERT GHOST ALERT
We have a confirmed Ghost sighting - he is stood by Mormont's side (weird), out the front of Winterfell, and he is ready to disappear again to save the CGI budget fight.

We seem like we're ready to go when there's a horse in the pitch black distance... Melisandre arrives. Did she 'go around' the army of the undead and the Night's King like Tormund and Edd? Where has she been? What is she doing back here? There's mystery and then there's just plain stupid decisions. Mel returning this episode when we had to sit through last week's 50 minutes of catch ups and singing is bullshit. Anyway, she comes up, chill as you like, and lights the Dothraki's swords (technically called arakhs) on fire.

Cool, eh?

Bit weird she didn't do it for everyone's weapons because 1) that would make more sense and 2) it'd mean we could actually see the battle, which would be nice.
Alas, Mel merely equips the Dothraki with the flaming swords so off they go into the night, with no sign of the enemy ahead.

Time out for a sec.
This is a strange battle technique, right? When they were discussing using Bran as bait etc and Brienne saying she was in charge of a flank, I thought it was odd but seeing it in action...
There are hundreds of thousands of undead wights headed for Winterfell. Why would you not force them into a siege situation? Cover the walls and do the trenches and just wait for them to come to you?
Let's be honest, would you send a battalion of some of the BEST fighters in the land out blind? With no lookouts or any idea what they're running into (we know they don't have any scouts further afield because Jon just waited for Edd and Tormund to arrive at Winterfell to tell him when the wights would arrive, he didn't think to gather any information on his own)?
What's the point? No one else does anything. Why not wait for them to come closer and have everyone charge at once?
To say that there are so many men who toot their own horns about their battle prowess at Winterfell over the last two episodes and THIS is the plan they put together is EMBARRASSING.

Well. All of the Dothraki die. There's literally one or two who run back and some random single horses but, for the most side, that entire army is dunzo. Oh, all except Jorah. The white leader of the army survived everyone! YAY THE NAMELESS POC DIED SO THAT THE WHITE PROTAGONISTS MAY LIVE

Seeing this happen from a distance, Dany decides to intervene with Drogon and Jon follows.
The battle starts and Jaime immediately rescues Brienne (massive eye roll) before Drogon starts setting fire to bare wights.

Arya sends Sansa down to the crypts with Needle but not before our first Randomly Repeated Line From A Previous Season:

Do you see?
Because... he said it to... and now she's saying it...

Meanwhile, Theon and the ironborne wait with Bran in the Godswood. Pretty peaceful tbh. Back to hell on earth and everyone is fighting and it's very difficult to follow. I can't actually tell if people are dying as they fall but then they'll reappear or be saved by someone else. It's very fast and very difficult to track. It's weird just how quickly these wights can move after years of slowly marching towards the Wall. Ed saves Sam and is immediately killed for it.

Named Character Death Toll: 1

Okay we've got some action going and people are dying, how exciting. Let's keep up this momentum!

Nope, it's time to visit the awkward and dull crypts! 

This Tyrion/Sansa shit is testing me.

We pop in and out of the crypts at a few points during the battle but basically what's covered is that Sansa tells Tyrion how great he is (AGAIN) and how he was her best husband.
She's only had two husbands and the other one raped her so that's not exactly a high bar, is it?

Tyrion also says "maybe we should've stayed married" and I swear to God my head explodes.

Sansa and Tyrion are still married. They got married.They were never 'not married' since then. Sansa ran away. Littlefinger made her commit bigamy by marrying Ramsey. This line makes no sense. I hate everything.

Oh also, Sansa slags Dany off for no reason and Missandei is rightfully protective over her. I don't know what's going on with the character assassination of Sansa this season but I hate it.

We're then back to the dragons and, from what I can see, Jon is STRUGGLING because Dany spent episode one banging him by a waterfall instead of actually teaching him how to ride a dragon. There's lots of fog, maybe ice wind?, and the chaos has got too much and our Named Characters Gang are too close to possible death for their liking so they fall back while Greyworm and the Unsullied hold the retreat. 

They decide to set the trenches on fire but ermeghherdd nooo they can't because snow and stuff. So, as Greyworm retreats to Winterfell (I didn't hate this - him battling between his duty and his heart), the Unsullied cover Melisandre in a way that was surely prepared in advance despite them not knowing she was going to return (?) as she uses her red priestess magic to light the trenches. She struggles for a while but eventually manages it, of course.

As it is ablaze, the Hound remembers his character is scared of fire so has to walk away for a bit while we head back to the Godswood and Bran remembers his character can warg so he sees through the eyes of some crows/ravens for a bit. What does he see, you ask?

He doesn't use any of the information he gathers to help the battle at all.

The wights figure out a way through the fire and they start to climb the walls and enter Winterfell. Everyone is just smashing it in battle, even one-handed Jaime, who doesn't struggle at all. Then, a giant breaks into Winterfell and Lyanna Mormont decides to take it on (mint idea, mate) and it does not work out too well for her (I didn't hate this bit either tbh; it was the right way for her to go out).

Named Character Death Toll: 2

Things calm down for a bit and the wights now move incredibly slowly because we need to eat up some of those 82 minutes we promised. The slow-moving wights are with Arya in the library and, after some sick water-dancing moves, she manages to escape, just as the wights remember they can run.

Arya leads the fast-moving undead to the Hound and Beric and Beric is way, way, WAY overkilled before they drag his body into what looks like the Great Hall, strewn with bodies, and barricade the door.
Named Character Death Toll: 3
Mel is also in there and she reminds Arya that they've met before and we have our second Randomly Repeated Line From A Previous Season:

There's some stuff with the ice dragon and Jon's dragon - a mid air fight - that I struggle to see but Jon seems to fall off Rheagal and I've no idea if the dragon survived or not [while we're on the subject of Schrödinger's animals: has anyone seen Ghost?]

The Night's King falls and Dany and Drogon arrive to fight Viserion. Jorah hears... something? So turns round and starts running in the opposite direction. Dany burns the Night's King and we're all pretty happy because obviously he'll die now... WAITAMINUTE.

The Night's King is unaffected by fire and walks away. Dany flies off but Jon follows him on foot, until he turns around and he's like - uh oh. The Night's King raises his hands and all the newly dead begin to rise OHMYGODNOWAY.

Back to the crypts that are definitely safe because they said they were at least 15 times last episode. Nothing bad will happen in the crypts because they're so safe.

Quick Q: Remember when they took the wight to King's Landing? It was in a box? It couldn't escape the box until the Hound opened it and it immediately ran out?

Yeah, well, continuity's a bastard.

Now, these wights are being resurrected by the Night's King and can obviously smash their way through the coffins/tombs in the crypt.

People are screaming and Sansa and Tyrion run and hide. 

Sansa silently shows Tyrion Needle and they have an understanding.

He kisses her hand. I think for a minute that they're in the throws of a suicide pact until they both run back into the crypts.

Jon is in the middle of ALL of the undead, slow moving again, fear not, and it looks pretty hopeless. A load of wights with weapons (?) climb Drogon and attack him as Dany just sits on him, doing nothing. He tips her off and flies into the distance with the wights still GOING IN on him. Dany didn't bring any weapons to the fight because she's an idiot and is stood, helpless, in the middle of the wights. DON'T WORRY JORAH IS HERE! No idea where he came from, like, but it was nice of him to show up.

Jon somehow makes it back to Winterfell and leaves Sam and Brienne losing their fights so he can stick to the plan and make it to Bran, who is still warging (WHY? HOW IS THIS HELPING?) as Theon runs out of arrows to fight off the wights.

Okay it all goes in slo-mo now, with some plinky music to tell us how dire the situation is:

• Varys is watching Tyrion in the crypts
• Theon is using the bow now to fight off the undead
• Jorah falls whilst protecting Dany
• Jaime continues to hold off all the freshly undead, even with his one hand
• The Night's King and the White Walkers (remember them? where've they been?) arrive at the godswood
• Bran: Theon. You're a good man. Thank you.
• Theon nods at the NK before running runs towards him
• Bran watches as the NK snaps the weapon and kills him super quick

Named Character Death Toll: 4

• Jon is presumably trying to get to the godswood but is failing miserably
• Jorah is stabbed

The slo-mo is an ETERNITY.

The Night's King looks at Bran. Bran looks at the Night's King:

He slowly reaches for his weapon to kill Bran (which he could've done ten times over).

Then, and I can't stress how ridiculous this is, Arya appears from nowhere to attack the NK.

LOOK AT HER FUCKING FLYING THROUGH THE AIR

Crouching Bran, Hidden Arya tries to stab him, he holds her off until she does the ole switcharoo with the blade Bran gave her (the knife that was used in the attempt to kill him back in Season One!) and shanks the NK real good.

He shatters into pieces and all of the undead fall where they stand.

This rescue comes too late for Jorah, however.

Named Character Death Toll: 5

He dies in Dany's arms and she displays more emotion for him than she did when her dragon (her child) died at the hands of the NK.

loss of child vs loss of creepy stalker

While Emilia acts her socks off, Drogon returns and is fine, completely fine, don't think about it.

Back at Winterfell, Mel walks out with the Hound (how did they survive? how did Arya get out of the Great Hall? is the Hound now a Red Priest? WHAT'S HAPPENING?) She takes her necklace off (lol remember that?) and begins to age. As she walks away from Winterfell, she ages more and more, until she falls to the ground. She just dies.

Named Character Death Toll: 6

That's it.

The end.

What. The. Fuck. Just. Happened.

Final Named Character Death Toll: 6

A few questions:

- Does the Long Night end now the NK is dead? Is Winter over? What was the NK's motivation? How is it just over now?
- Did Bran know everything that was about to happen? If so, why did he let Theon die? What a bastard.

- How did all of our named characters survive? [Think about just how big the undead army is. Six named characters died. SIX. Last week, I was told I was overreacting and the episode was merely closing up all of the character arcs before they all died and to give the writers a break man, they're just giving us some closure before the mass of deaths. And here we are. They're all alive. Everyone's fine.]

- If Jon hadn't have been in this episode, what would have changed? How has he set up this entire battle then just royally fucked everything up for an entire episode?

- Are the last three episodes just going to be about the battle for the throne against Cersei and Euron? Has the story literally been reduced to Dany and Jon = good, Cersei and Euron = bad?

- Why bother showing Ghost if we don't even see him fight? How did he survive if he was on the front line with the Dothraki?

- What was the point of showing Craster sacrificing his children to the NK if the NK wasn't even interested in getting Baby Sam back?

- What was the point of Sam going to Oldtown to gather information when he gave us no extra information to help the battle? What was the point of Bran having all the powers when he didn't help the fight against the NK? What was the point of bringing Jon back to life if he wasn't the one chosen to kill the NK? HOW, after all that, would Arya be the one to kill the NK and save the day? Really? Wolverine? Who can hit people with sticks and swap faces with people? She's not an assassin ffs.

Highlights:

• I saw Ghost once
•   
•   

Lowlights:

• The battle: it was so weirdly fought and they turned up the threat level to 11 at the start with the Dothraki so there was nowhere for them to go. The tactical choices were embarrassingly bad and I can't imagine anyone of the Named Character Gang thinking it was going to work or being willing to fight it in this manner.
• The Night's King
• Named Character Gang surviving due to plot armour and nothing else

Summative Comment:

I honestly don't know if I can do this next week.

Season Eight, Episode Two - A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms

NB: I've also seen several reviews claiming the title of this episode was "The Things We Do For Love" so I genuinely have no idea which is correct. Sorry.

Anyway, hi and welcome to another review of Game of Thrones. Spoiler alert: I didn't enjoy this week's episode. What else is new?
As always my twitter is@noneedtomoan and, if you want to remind yourself what happened in Season Seven, here are my previous rants: E1, E2 , E3, E4, E5, E6 and E7 and last week's episode is here: S8E1.

And, as always, I am salty af after episode two so let's just get cracking.

We open on an apparent trial of Jaime Lannister. Dany is not happy, no ma'am, but Jaime promises he will "fight for the living". Tyrion tries to stick up for his brother but the queen doesn't like that and it appears our catty girls from last week have found some common ground here: both Sansa and Dany do not trust Jaime.

The reaction Bran expected

Then, because the girls are being a bit boring, we get an epic mic drop moment:

Jaime: Everything I did, I did for my house and for my family and I'll do it again.
Bran: The things we do for love.

....Except nothing happens. Jaime registers it. And the conversation moves on. What a waste of a S1 callback, eh Bran?

Then, because Jaime cannot speak for himself, Brienne gets involved and sticks up for him. This moves Sansa to change sides to once again oppose Dany (gasp no way said no one) then Dany leaves the decision to Jon for some reason and he sides with Sansa. Then I think we're meant to feel tension and Dany is mad at Jon and Tyrion. She tells Tyrion she will find another hand if she can't trust him and I think we're meant to feel sorry for him but honestly idc.

Meanwhile, outside, where Arya is taking no interest in the trial of one of the men responsible for killing her father (seriously what is she doing while all this is going on? Does she just wander around WF being creepy?) and instead is flirting with Gendry about the White Walkers and the weapon he should be making for her and how she 'knows death', which she proves by being a mean shot with dragonglass.

Cut to Bran, who is back outside where he belongs and chatting with Jaime about pushing him out of the window. He's cool with it because it made him the Three Eyed Raven and I can't even tell if Jaime and others accept this at this point. They all just kind of stare at him until he shuts up again. Then leave him outside in his chair.

By this part of the episode, I'm not going to lie, I expected a lot more:

But, seriously, no one is bothered at all. It's weird how all eight seasons have been building up to this moment and now it's just like, HEY, SLOW DOWN, let's have a chat about our feelings and shit.

One-handed Jaime did ok in Dorne

Anyway, next on the list for the catch-up-on-our-emotions-about-each-other chat are Jaime and Tyrion, who talk about Cersei (who IS pregnant guys, stop thinking she's lying) and the fact that Tyrion can make mistakes (gasp no way said no one ever).

They then look out from the top of Winterfell and see Brienne training Pod. Jaime goes down to see her and he asks to be under her command of the left flank, despite not being as good of a fighter as he used to be back when he had two hands and she accepts his offer.

Shocking news: WE HAVE MORE UNNECESSARY CONVERSATIONS TO AVOID THE BATTLE THIS EPISODE

Jorah is bitching to Dany about not being hand for some reason and says Tyrion should be forgiven for... Being annoying and speaking up for everyone at every opportunity despite never being asked to? Being a terrible hand? Believing Cersei? One of them.

Sansa and Dany have a chat to put those non-existent problems behind them and be gal pals instead. They both talk about how great Tyrion is for a while.

Saint Tyrion chats make me mad

Then, once they're over how wonderful and smart and great Tyrion is, Sansa says they have Jon in common but "men tend to do stupid things for love" but Dany argues it is she who is being taken advantage of here: she is only in Winterfell because she loves Jon.

The ONLY reason Dany is fighting the war against the undead is Jon, apparently. Let's break that down.

She doesn't care that the White Walkers are through the Wall? Even though she went to Cersei to ask her to put aside the arguments over the throne to focus on saving the world? She's now forgotten this and is all about the throne again?

This is what I was talking about last week: the show has forgotten that the main battle is meant to be ice vs fire, dead vs living. 

Sorry - book talk for a hot minute: The series of books is called A Song of Ice and Fire but the TV show has focused on the first book's title alone, A Game of Thrones. Back in book one, the only thing anyone cared about was who was on the Iron Throne. Fair. We didn't know about the army of the undead. But now, now we are beyond the books and the UNDEAD ARE BEYOND THE WALL. Does the king/queen matter? Who wants to rule over a kingdom full of undead White Walkers? That's meaningless.

Take the books out of it: all these super scary undead zombies are here and they will kill everyone. Why would who is king or queen matter? What sort of tyrant is Dany if this is all she cares about? Are we meant to start hating her now? Or are we meant to be rooting for her to get that crown, biatch. You get what's owed to you hun.

Is Dany bothered by this? Lol nope.

But, okay, let's pretend I can put all of this aside for a second.

Let's just think about Dany. Daenerys Targaryen: what's the most important thing in her life? Besides Jon. Besides the throne.

Her three dragons were always referred to as her children. One of them was murdered last season by the Night's King.

You genuinely expect me to believe that Dany doesn't care that the Night's King killed one of her CHILDREN? She doesn't even want vengeance for that? Nope.

In her own words, she's ONLY in Winterfell, fighting the war of the living vs the dead, because she loves Jon. He's the only thing that convinced her to be there.

In summary: I call BULLSHIT.

Whatever.

The conversation continues in a light hearted girls-having-some-girl-banter manner until Sansa asks what will happen to the North after the war against the undead is won. Dany says she will take the Iron Throne and they are back to being FROSTY with one another once Sansa reveals that the North does not want to relinquish their title as they've lost it before and are not willing to lose it again.

#awks

Theon arrives and is... best friends with Sansa now? Idk I don't feel much about this tbh.

Because of Jeyne Poole in the books, I feel like this is all bullshit anyway so I kind of zone out of Theon scenes.

There's some weird scene with Gilly telling women and children to head to the crypts for saftey and Davos showing us all that he was always the good guy with Shireen and he wants to look after the little ones.

Edd, Tormund and co. show up.

They 'had to go around' the Army of the Undead.

AROUND THEM

ALL THIS LOT

JUST NIPPED AROUND THEM

I despair.

Right, next, we're all having a little chat about the Night's King and what he wants, which Bran is convinced is him (he's so self-involved this guy). Bran comes up with a plan for him to, shock horror, wait outside in the godswood and lure the Night's King to him.

Missandei and Grey Worm agree to go to Naath after all this funny war business is over.

Ghost blink twice if you're being held against your will

Next, we head up to see Jon and Sam talking about the revelation from last week with Ghost just chillin in the background.

Sigh. The fact that Ghost is just stuck in behind them with no comment is an absolute joke. We've had no reunion moment, so they obviously want us to believe he's been here the entire time, just out of shot. Ghost was a huge part of Jon's resurrection and crucial to his story. He's the only direwolf left with its original Stark (Nymeria is off with a new pack somewhere and the others are all dead) and it's a VERY big deal that Jon still has him. The way they've written him out of the show is infuriating, especially as we all know it's just so that the dragons can have more airtime. That How To Train Your Dragon sequence from last week? That CGI was deemed more important than Ghost.

Whatever. Jon tells Sam he can't tell Dany he's the true heir yet. He then tells him to go down to the crypts to be safe and Sam reminds Jon and Edd how brave he's been and he doesn't need to hide. Then they all think about the Night's Watch together and we can't help but wonder why Jon and Sam haven't been punished for abandoning their posts.

Hey remember when Bran said this last episode? Seemed like we were in a real rush, didn't it?
But nope. We're just going to have some fun first.

Jaime, Tyrion, Brienne, Pod, Davos and Tormund all have a drink and talk about life and giants and fun times and how they're probably going to die.
Arya and Sandor share some wine and have a chat that comes to nothing really (I miss Sansa and Sandor) oh and Beric is there too.

Winterfell rn

Okay now it's the big Arya scene. She has sex with Gendry because she wants to feel what it's like before she dies.

Now, full disclosure: I'd seen this coming a mile off because HBO UK very thoughtfully got out ahead of it and told us in no uncertain terms on Twitter that Arya was 18 (see below).

So... Arya is 18. 
Let's consider this with the following facts:
- Arya was 11 in Season One
- Baby Sam (now a toddler) was born in Season Three
- Cersei's hair was cut at the end of Season Five and it still hasn't grown back
- Winter was so bad in Season Five that Stannis and his army were stuck in the snow outside Winterfell and were forced to slaughter their horses to have food to eat

With these things in mind, has enough time passed to accept that Arya is 18? No. The answer is undoubtedly no.

Does this matter?  Probably not.

But just remember that Dany's wedding night with Drogo was adapted to make it non-consensual as Dany was underage (in the books, it can be read as 'consensual' sex, but still a grey area due to the fact that Dany was a child at the time so how much 'consent' can be given?) 

Consider why the producers felt it necessary to REALLY highlight that Arya was 18, so that she can enjoy this moment with Gendry as consensual. Fine. Cool.

 Except that timelines don't work that way. You don't get to just change the age of someone so you can see them having sex-

Never mind.

Basically, if you're going to not give a fuck about timelines and are just going to jump forward, as @HNHughson so greatly put it on Twitter, I can accept it "if it affects everyone in Westeros equally, not just the young girls [and boys] they're writing sex scenes for".

Also I'm mildly upset that Arya is getting to have consensual sex rn and Sansa has been through everything she's been through and is now forced to hang out with Theon just because they want to punish her for being 'catty' (aka right to worry about food supplies) and celebrate Arya for being 'badass' (aka inexplicably surviving impossible situations and wearing faces ok cool).
Gutted for her.

Meanwhile, back by the wine and fire, the gang's still getting lit.
Tyrion is so clever and remembers what irony is: they've all fought against the Starks before and now, here they all are, protecting the Seven Kingdoms just Winterfell apparently for them.
Brienne says at least they'll die with honour and Jaime knights her. This scene is sweet and I get that but I honestly can't appreciate it rn. There should be so much more HAPPENING in this episode. There are only FOUR left now. What happened to those 'feature-length' episodes we were promised?

Sigh.

Back outside, Jorah tells Lyanna Sassypants to go down to the crypts but she wants to fight and Sam gives Jorah Heartsbane because apparently he's changed his mind about the crypts now and isn't brave Sam who was the first man to kill a wight and defeated a Thenn. Jorah is very touched and happily accepts this Valyrian steel sword unlike his own father's Valyrian steel sword that Jon tried to give him last season and he refused to take (Lyanna should definitely have the Mormont family sword and not Jon, just saying).

And, nearly there, don't worry, we have a musical montage as Pod sings Jenny's Song and they show some clips over the top of it.

Okay: Jenny's Song. This is a whole load of book stuff now but, just remember, I didn't start it - the show did.
This references a song featured in an Arya chapter of A Storm of Swords. The book never actually reveals any of the lyrics but it does feature a whole load of prophecy and references to a character called Jenny of Oldstones. Now, I, as we have established, am a die hard bookfan. It took me a hot minute to get the reference and, even then, I wasn't hyped about it...

Of all the book things to focus on, why Jenny's song? Yes it has links to prophecies and Targaryen secrets but... Why?
Don't pander to the book nerd in me, Cogman. And if you're going to, make it Ghost or Lady Stoneheart, k?

Anyway, we see Grey Worm and Missandei say goodbye, Sansa and Theon just hangin' out eating soup, Sam, Gilly and Baby Toddler Sam down in the crypts and Arya looking completely emotionless as Gendry has a post-coital nap over the top of the song.

Then, finally, Jon decides the time is right, just before they go to the battle of their lives, to tell Dany.
He is stood in front of Lyanna's statue as he explains and Dany is majorly peeved that he's the true heir to the throne. She's not mithered in the SLIGHTEST that she's shagged her nephew but hey, Targaryens right?
Before they can chat anymore about their lovely incest, they hear a horn sound and head out to the battlements, where Tyrion is stood (wasn't he sent to the crypts, wtf Tyrion?)
Jon and Dany run off to go battle and dragons and fire and ice and shit and we are left with the most important character of all, Tyrion. We zoom out from his shocked face to see....

*squints*

Okay so I think it's safe to say the White Walkers have arrived.... a little while away from Winterfell just yet. No Night's King by the looks of it, just like Bran said. Presumably he was away having a nap with his dragon and the giants and mammoths and that and they were just going to catch them up later because they're a bit faster.

Right. It's over.

Another tricky one today as I feel like we zoomed all over Winterfell and saw lots of different conversations but nothing actually happened to move the story forwards.

I've had a tiff or two with some showfans on Twitter and essentially their argument as to why episode two was good is that it was tying up everyone's storyarchs before the big battle kills a load of them. Erm. No. That was never the point of Game of Thrones as a show, was it? Weren't some of the best seasons the ones where you didn't know who was going to die? Didn't you used to live for those moments that a character was about to rightfully get justice and BOOM DEAD lolz.

I hate that Game of Thrones has become a fanservice soap opera and that they care more about arming their favourites with as much plot armour as possible than actually moving the story along.

Honestly: think for a second.

If episode two had never happened, what difference would it make to the story?

Exactly.

Nothing is happening.

Highlights

• Brienne being knighted? I guess it was cute.
• That bit when I saw Ghost for a sec

Lowlights

• The fact that nothing actually happened and this was just a filler episode until we get to the battle

Summative comment:

Seriously, this battle next week better be worth it.

I sense not, though.