Anyway, now I have a system to get me through: I livetweet each new episode as it airs internationally at 01:45 GMT (@noneedtomoan) and then try to get a full review out the same night (if you want to remind yourself what happened in Season Seven, here are my previous rants: E1, E2 , E3, E4, E5, E6 and E7).
NB: I have admittedly read the entire A Song of Ice and Fire series of books and, obviously, prefer them to the show. However, this blog and my feelings about GoT stem more from the poor quality of the TV show - it is not about comparing it to the books (but, occasionally, I will get really angry and mention them, soz).
So. It's finally here. This is the last ever season of Game of Thrones.
The credits roll and oooh they're new, how exciting. They actually make a point of showing the ice (e.g. the army of the undead) making its way over the Wall, which is a nice change. All of the promo for Season Eight has been 'for the throne' - focusing on who will be sitting in the Iron Throne by the end. Arguably, the main story of the show
The dead don't care who the King or Queen is - they don't adhere to society's rules and this is, kind of, THE WHOLE POINT.
The people in charge are so obsessed with staying in charge that they will forget the most important battle and lose their lives over what is essentially a chair.This rant about the opening credits bodes well, doesn't it?
Moving on!
We follow a small boy, later revealed to be an Umber, pushing through a crowd to see the royal party arrive at Winterfell because who doesn't love a pointless callback to Season One? He runs past Arya, who smirks at him because this is her only face apparently. Jon and Dany are marching through to Winterfell in striking black and white outfits because it's winter but it's not cold enough for hats/ear protection etc. The Hound and Gendry are with them too, as are Tyrion and Varys who share some needless eunuch bants before we see the dragons flying overhead and we FINALLY get some reaction shots from general citizens, which I've been wanting for a while.
Jon et al arrive at Winterfell and we all get ourselves ready for him to have himself some emotional Stark reunions, starting with Bran-
Oh but Bran is an unfeeling robot so that's kind of one-sided. Cute, though.
Jon has a nice hug with Sansa, who is all smiles until she speaks to Dany. It is then implied that these two do NOT like each other because you know how women get, right?
Exposition Bran then interrupts to tell them "We don't have time for this". I mean, he's not wrong.
We only have six episodes this season! Let's get cracking! And get cracking he does!
He tells Dany the Night's King has her dragon and his army has breached the Wall. The Dead are marching South.I feel like this isn't made into a big enough deal. THE DEAD ARE COMING AND THEY HAVE A DRAGON.
Everyone kind of just accepts this information and we move on very quickly. Strange reaction to the undead's arrival being imminent if we're honest, especially considering you were so concerned that you went to bloody Cersei for help last season.
How can you not care anymore?
Anyway, we go indoors and the Northern Lords all hate Jon now because he's renounced his title of King of the North and has bent the knee to Queen Dany. The Umber kid from earlier is sent to go get the rest of his family. Tyrion gets up and speaks for Jon for some reason. WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO HEAR FROM TYRION? In the bigger picture, he's basically a nobody. Why would we want to hear from him? Sansa? Even Dany. Not Tyrion ffs.
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| It's very early in the episode to already feel like this. |
Also, while I'm angry, I think one of my least favourite things about this episode is how Sansa is presented. She has a lot of good questions, such as how are they going to feed all of these extra people? How much do dragons eat? (It turns out, a lot) Sansa says she hasn't taken dragons and everyone else into account when preparing the stores for winter, which has been coming for eight seasons now. This is accepted with eye rolls and almost makes her seem bitchy and catty towards Dany for even asking this. Frustrating.
Speaking of frustrating, Tyrion and Sansa are then reunited. One of the articles I read was like 'I presume they're still married'. Erm. YEAH, because they were always married, even when Sansa was REmarried off to Ramsay. Anyway, Tyrion reminds us all how great he is and Sansa has more good ideas that are presented as catty, like the fact that Cersei is obviously lying to Tyrion and he should realise this (duh).
At this point, I'd just like to say how little it feels is actually happening in this episode. It is SLOWWWW.
Exhibit A: Bran is still sat in the courtyard at Winterfell waiting for an opening to talk to Jon about this big news he MUST know, despite there being NO TIME. I thought we were in a rush, Bran mate?
Anyway, Arya finally reunites with Jon and it's... I mean, it's sweet. I can't hate all of this.
There are two bits I definitely do not enjoy, however:
1. Jon slagging Sansa off and Arya standing up for her, despite threatening to kill her last season.
2.
Arya: How did you survive a knife to the heart?
Jon: I didn't.
Arya: *has no more questions because resurrection is an accepted thing lol*
[Why does no one care about Jon resurrecting? Surely this is a big deal? They know he has because no one is punishing him for abandoning the Night's Watch, because that was his former self, but no one is reacting to it AT ALL. ARGH.]
We then fly off to our second and only other location for this episode - King's Landing.
Cersei is watching the Iron fleet return with the Golden Company because what is time anymore? [How is this crew back but the army of the undead still not at Winterfell yet?] On the boat, Euron is tormenting Yara, who wants to die and, I mean I feel you babe. He then goes to see Cersei, who is VERY upset at the lack of elephants with the Golden Company, and basically demands sex. Cersei says no but then... yeah, they have sex, despite the phrase "You want a whore, buy one. You want a queen, earn her".
Then it's over to Qyburn, who has such an important task for Bronn that he must interrupt him having sex with three women. [Well, Cersei has a job for him but she can't tell him herself because of Lena and Jerome's contracts clearly stating they cannot be in any scenes together since their horrendous break up.]
Anyway, the job is that Bronn must kill Tyrion and Jaime with a crossbow if they survive their adventure in the North.
Cersei. You know I like you. I love the short hair and that you've kept it short even though it must have grown so much since it was shaved off. Listen to me though: you need to be a little less erratic in your actions. You literally had both brothers right in front of you last season.
You had the chance to kill them. Tyrion even ASKED you to kill him. You let them both leave.
Now, what is this shit?
WHAT IS THIS?
Thanks to plot armour, Theon and his band of merry Iron men have managed to kill a few members of the Golden Company [a sellsword company comprising of men hired to fight] quickly and quietly and get Yara out. On their own boat afterwards, Yara gives Theon her permission to go back to Winterfell while she will go back to the Iron Islands and conveniently disappear from the plot altogether.
Back to Winterfell and Davos suggests Dany and Jon get married, which is such an obvious solution I could scream.
Speaking of screaming, Kit and Emilia try to be a couple for a bit but the whole lack-of-chemistry thing is really catching up to them and it's pretty painful. The dragons are sad so Dany's like 'hey, hop on'. Pretty unemotional for what is a big bloody deal. Jon riding her final remaining dragon... It means something. I wanted more than this How To Train Your Dragon scene with yet more clumsy callbacks to previous seasons, when he was with Ygritte in the waterfall and they talked about never going back.
Speaking of screaming, Kit and Emilia try to be a couple for a bit but the whole lack-of-chemistry thing is really catching up to them and it's pretty painful. The dragons are sad so Dany's like 'hey, hop on'. Pretty unemotional for what is a big bloody deal. Jon riding her final remaining dragon... It means something. I wanted more than this How To Train Your Dragon scene with yet more clumsy callbacks to previous seasons, when he was with Ygritte in the waterfall and they talked about never going back.
[This scene only leaves me with more questions: Why is no one heading to the Wall? What's the plan for fighting the army of the dead, anyone know? Or is this episode just attempts at chemistry between Dany and Jon before Bran rips it away? How is it cold in the North when you can't even see your own breath there?]
Then Gendry is making dragonglass [is that new? Did I miss that they can make dragonglass and the explanation as to how?] and Arya... flirts with him?
Dany goes to find Sam, who presumably hasn't seen Jon yet, to thank him for saving Jorah from greyscale through the ancient forgotten technique of... cutting off the greyscale. Sam says she can repay him with a pardon for stealing Citadel books and his dad's sword
[not for abandoning the Night's Watch. I mean, everyone's doing it nowadays hehe]
Anyway, she says sorry but she killed his dad (who he hated) and Sam's like 'well at least I have my brother, eh?' and Dany's like
Sam is upset, which I suppose is a natural reaction to losing the abusive father who threatened to kill you unless you joined the Night's Watch and the little brother who hated you. I'd get a conflict between sad and angry and relieved but nope, Sam is just SAD.
Meanwhile, back out in the courtyard (still), Bran tells Sam to tell Jon about the whole he's not who he thinks he is thing because he's waiting for a mate. This is fine, but it now means it comes across as Sam telling Jon that he's the true heir because he's mad at Dany for killing his dad and brother. Much like the dragons scene, I'd always pictured this moment as much more powerful. Jon discovering his true identity. Not Sam getting in a few digs at Dany.
Ah well.
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| Jon like |
So Jon doesn't get it, saying he always thought of Ned as honourable. Erm, Jon? This was an honourable thing to do?
Also, it feels a bit like Sam glosses over the whole being-related-to-Dany thing and I'm not entirely convinced he gets that bit so that'll be a fun revelation.
Then it's the next scene - I don't know where this is.
Honestly, it's so dark at this point that all I can see is my own confused face in the black TV screen. I can hear bits and pieces but see NOTHING until Beric's sword lights up the screen. Edd sees Tormund and tells the men behind him "Stay back he's got blue eyes" and it was the first line in about four seasons that's made me laugh out loud.
Eventually, you see that the Umber boy is attached to the wall, with a load of... meat? Human flesh? Anyway, it's around him in a spiral. There's a jump scare and he comes back to life, screeching before Beric sets him alight.
Few points from this bit:- Tormund and Beric survived the Wall collapsing
- Beric can still light his sword with Thoros of Myr dead
- We haven't seen the army of the undead since last season
- The Night's King enjoys leaving weird sigils for people to find like a Criminal Minds serial killer
Final scene follows a hooded mysterious horserider, which turns out to be Jaime. He gets off his horse and sees Bran in his chair [presumably frozen, he's been out there for AGES] and they just stare at each other. It is essentially this scene:
Phew. It's over.
That was a weirdly jam packed episode where nothing actually happened.
Highlights:
- Arya and Jon reuniting
- Edd's blue eyes comment
Lowlights:
- The lack of reaction about the army of the dead passing through the Wall
- WHERE IS GHOST
- The presentation of Sansa as a catty girl rather than the most informed person on the show
- Night's King leaving coded messages
Summative comment:
Head on over to my twitter (@noneedtomoan) for daily updates but I'll be back same time next week. I haven't seen the trailer yet but safe to say I don't have high hopes. This week's episode annoyed me with its sheer inoffensiveness - there's so much to get through in only five more episodes and they're wasting SO much time. Get a jog on, guys!
xo
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