Happy Monday, everyone!
If you haven't read my review from last week (Season Seven, Episode One - Dragonstone), go and read it for a recap! Also, don't forget to listen to the podcast I'm making with my friends: She, Myself and Guy (Soundcloud or iTunes), which will be recapping every episode each week (with their views too, so it's not just me ranting!)
So, I set my alarm for 01:45, I settled myself down and prepared myself for yet another Dany-centric episode (if one is to believe the title).
Let's do this thing.
Can I ask if everyone else in the U.K. is not getting the 'previously on's? Because I'm not and I feel like I'm missing out...
Anyway, we see that it's a Cogman episode and we know to look out for better (not a high bar) dialogue and exposition shoehorned in to try and patch over some of the more glaring plotholes. For once, though, unusually for Game of Thrones, there are a few common themes:
1) Plot holes!
2) Mansplaining
3) Throwbacks, but only to Season 1
1) Plot holes!
2) Mansplaining
3) Throwbacks, but only to Season 1
 |
| A discussion about being born in a storm, happening during a storm |
We open on a storm in Dragonstone, hardly surprising given that the episode is called 'Stormborn'.
Oh also, Tyrion and Varys are helpfully reminding Dany that she was born in a storm because she didn't know that, it's just been part of her title she's been repeatedly shoving in people's faces for seven seasons.
Plothole 1
This happened in the Season Six finale:
 |
| Behold the magic transporting Varys |
Then he suddenly transported onto Dany's ship, with no real explanation?
Well, this was great for Dany as it meant more people/armies on her side for her big homecoming. However, the plot hole trouble comes when we think about her past with Varys.
Varys used to work for Robert Baratheon, after he usurped King Aerys' throne. When word got out that Dany was not only alive, but married to a Khal and pregnant with his child, King Robert wanted her dead. Ned Stark (RIP) was obviously against this but Varys was not, and agreed to go ahead with the plot.
Dany knows all this because Jorah later admitted that he was spying for Varys at this time and this is where the assassination plot had originated.
SO. Why is this a plot hole?
Surely, at some point, Dany is going to ask the question: why the fuck should I trust the guy who once tried to have me killed?
Surely, she'd confront him after yet another day at sea, listening to nothing but Tyrion's insensitive jokes and forcing people to drink?
Idk, I guess Cogman did a good job of Dany asking Varys outright who placed the order for her death and actually having this confrontation. Also, people seemed to enjoy the fact that Varys refused to pledge blind allegiance/loyalty and made it clear he would only stick around if she was still the best option for the people.... But, seriously. This is a stretch.
Sigh. Anyway. She makes him swear he won't betray her because that's a promise I believe in and then threatens to burn him. Classic Dany.
No time to think about this because The Red Priestess is here!
Varys is suspicious because she used to serve another (lol do you see how it's irony because HE just- wow #writing #irony) but Dany is intrigued. Mel warns of the dangers of prophecy, which is new for her, and advises Dany to seek out Jon Snow. Tyrion agrees because he met him one time, whilst journeying to the Wall, and he seemed alright. Mel points out Jon's main successes as letting the wildlings through the Wall, being declared King in the North and erm...
Is there... Is there anything else? Anything that Jon has done that is remotely impressive or interesting or important to know in this context?
I think I'm thinking of someone else.
Dany then sends the FASTEST RAVEN IN THE SEVEN KINGDOMS to Jon Snow, telling him to bend the knee.
Please let's just have a moment here to again think about the lack of
emotion on Dany's face during all of this.
 |
| This is her permanent face. WHAT EMOTION IS THIS?! |
Thank you.
Moving on.
In Winterfell, Jon has obviously received the raven already, before Sam's from last episode, and is discussing its contents with Sansa and Davos (REMEMBER DAVOS?!)
Sansa and Davos both agree it's too dangerous for him to actually go and ge should send an envoy instead, even though I swear something happened that would lead one to believe this wasn't such a big risk for him...
It'll come back to me.
And then we zoom off to King's Landing, where Cersei is trying to convince Tyrell bannerman (read: Randall Tarly) to join her cause. She mentions the White Walkers in the same breath as Dothraki hoardes... It's kind of a bigger deal than that but whatever.
The Lords are unmoved and don't believe they have a chance against the dragons but, apparently, Qyburn (did we notice his Hand of the Queen pin?) is working on a 'solution', which I'm sure is incredibly impressive.
Jaime decides to be more than just a source of reaction GIFs this week and goes for a chat with Randall and his son Rickon, whoops no we brought him back just to murder him hehe Dickon. No mention of Heartsbane. His ancestral family sword, one that he loved enough to point out for us, was stolen.
The way he pointed it out to Sam like
The way he pointed it out to Sam like
 |
| Nuh uh uhh, don't even THINK about it |
made it seem like it was super meaningful to him.
But yeah, no, he doesn't care enough about to actually follow up on Sam stealing it or even mention it in passing.
Lol what
Ellaria is now on the same side as Tyrion.
Tyrion Lannister.
His neice is Myrcella Lannister.
Myrcella was murdered.
She was murdered by Ellaria.
Ellaria is now on the same side as Tyrion.
Do you see where there may be a slight conflict?
Again, presumably they were all on the same boat to Dragonstone. Have they just been avoiding discussing this?
Luckily for us, we see the moment Tyrion decides to bring it up. And it's rubbish. He says something about Lannisters not poisoning little girls and Ellaria basically says all Lannisters are evil and Oberyn shouldn't have died for Tyrion....
It's lacklustre at best but, again, Cogman is stuck tying up loose ends here. These two surely couldn't have been on the same side without this discussion first. I mean, they can barely be on the same side now it's been 'resolved' but whatever.
Tyrion's suggestion is weird. He tells the ladies that the best option for Dany is for them to return home and retrieve their armies (because they DIDN'T BRING THEM?!) for they will be used to take the capitals around King's Landing (lol why) and for the Unsullied to attack Casterly Rock. He gives some reasons why but I don't buy them.
Neither do the women but then Dany parrots some stuff Tyrion said earlier about not wanting to be the queen of ashes and that puts paid to that. #feminism
Meanwhile, somewhere unspecified, we hear that the common folk clearly know that Cersei blew up the sept. There's not very much anger here but whatever, Hot Pie is back and he's making Arya make jokes about baking (hehe, get it? She baked and murdered those men ehehe). He also informs her that Brienne was looking for her, oh and the Starks are back in Winterfell, which Arya had no idea about.
How has she not learned this yet?
Obviously, she decides to head to Winterfell to see her sister and Jon instead but this is yet another change to her plans. I can't keep track.
Just to clarify, Arya's various plans thus far have been:
But OOP
NO TIME FOR THAT HERE'S JORAH
He's being assessed by Maester Broadbent and has an official diagnosis of six months before he goes mental but years to live. He (poorly) mimes cleaning some sort of wand instrument whilst Sam asks him about Shireen Baratheon and if there's another way but, alas, Broadbent not so subtly hints that it'd be easier for everyone involved if Jorah just killed himself. This would've been an interesting subject matter to delve a bit deeper into but... NOPE.
Before Sam leaves the cell, he learns that Jorah is a Mormont and his dad was Jeor.
If you don't know why this is a big deal, hey show fan, what's up? You digging all the cool visuals and contradictory character development so far this year? Jeor is the Old Bear, the previous Lord Commander of the Night's Watch and, also, Jorah's dad. He dies at Craster's Keep but, before he does, he tells Sam that dragonglass can slay a White Walker and asks him to tell Jorah he is forgiven and he should take the black.
Sorry. That was all book stuff, which I try to avoid here. My bad.
That would've been cool and emotional to watch though, right?
Let's move on.
Qyburn shows Cersei his GENIUS plan to stop the dragons... And it's a bow and arrow.
I mean... I think this is meant to be impressive? But it's hardly inventive. Cersei's down with it, though.
Back at Dragonstone, the galz have arrived.
Varys tells the everyone that Cersei is hated by her bannerman and the common folk. Why have we not seen this? Where are the revolts about her blowing up the sept? You can't just make a character say this and suddenly it is so, we need to SEE some stuff!
Yara and Ellaria make their feelings clear: Dany should attack King's Landing. This, logistically, makes sense. Cersei is completely outmanned and hated apparently and so the throne is ripe for the taking (I honestly can't get my head around why Euron didn't do it...)
But Tyrion gets involved and makes some different suggestions. We'll get into these in a second but first...
He's being assessed by Maester Broadbent and has an official diagnosis of six months before he goes mental but years to live. He (poorly) mimes cleaning some sort of wand instrument whilst Sam asks him about Shireen Baratheon and if there's another way but, alas, Broadbent not so subtly hints that it'd be easier for everyone involved if Jorah just killed himself. This would've been an interesting subject matter to delve a bit deeper into but... NOPE.
Before Sam leaves the cell, he learns that Jorah is a Mormont and his dad was Jeor.
If you don't know why this is a big deal, hey show fan, what's up? You digging all the cool visuals and contradictory character development so far this year? Jeor is the Old Bear, the previous Lord Commander of the Night's Watch and, also, Jorah's dad. He dies at Craster's Keep but, before he does, he tells Sam that dragonglass can slay a White Walker and asks him to tell Jorah he is forgiven and he should take the black.
Sorry. That was all book stuff, which I try to avoid here. My bad.
That would've been cool and emotional to watch though, right?
Let's move on.
Qyburn shows Cersei his GENIUS plan to stop the dragons... And it's a bow and arrow.
I mean... I think this is meant to be impressive? But it's hardly inventive. Cersei's down with it, though.
Back at Dragonstone, the galz have arrived.
Varys tells the everyone that Cersei is hated by her bannerman and the common folk. Why have we not seen this? Where are the revolts about her blowing up the sept? You can't just make a character say this and suddenly it is so, we need to SEE some stuff!
Yara and Ellaria make their feelings clear: Dany should attack King's Landing. This, logistically, makes sense. Cersei is completely outmanned and hated apparently and so the throne is ripe for the taking (I honestly can't get my head around why Euron didn't do it...)
But Tyrion gets involved and makes some different suggestions. We'll get into these in a second but first...
Plothole 2
Ellaria is now on the same side as Tyrion.
Tyrion Lannister.
His neice is Myrcella Lannister.
Myrcella was murdered.
She was murdered by Ellaria.
Ellaria is now on the same side as Tyrion.
Do you see where there may be a slight conflict?
Again, presumably they were all on the same boat to Dragonstone. Have they just been avoiding discussing this?
Luckily for us, we see the moment Tyrion decides to bring it up. And it's rubbish. He says something about Lannisters not poisoning little girls and Ellaria basically says all Lannisters are evil and Oberyn shouldn't have died for Tyrion....
It's lacklustre at best but, again, Cogman is stuck tying up loose ends here. These two surely couldn't have been on the same side without this discussion first. I mean, they can barely be on the same side now it's been 'resolved' but whatever.
Tyrion's suggestion is weird. He tells the ladies that the best option for Dany is for them to return home and retrieve their armies (because they DIDN'T BRING THEM?!) for they will be used to take the capitals around King's Landing (lol why) and for the Unsullied to attack Casterly Rock. He gives some reasons why but I don't buy them.
Neither do the women but then Dany parrots some stuff Tyrion said earlier about not wanting to be the queen of ashes and that puts paid to that. #feminism
THEON WATCH: He stood in the background and did nothing
#feminism #womenandTyrionontop
Olenna has a private audience with Dany and tells her to ignore 'clever men' and 'sheep' Lords of Westeros and 'be a dragon', which is genuinely good advice but hard to swallow when Dany isn't standing up for herself at all; she's just doing whatever Tyrion suggests.
Then. Sigh.
There's a love scene.
It's problematic for me but, admittedly, it is the most tasteful one I've ever seen on Game of Thrones. Some of the camera angles were definitely just for boobs and it is a tad too long but it is brilliantly acted and actually... Emotional? It was almost sweet.
Olenna has a private audience with Dany and tells her to ignore 'clever men' and 'sheep' Lords of Westeros and 'be a dragon', which is genuinely good advice but hard to swallow when Dany isn't standing up for herself at all; she's just doing whatever Tyrion suggests.
Then. Sigh.
There's a love scene.
It's problematic for me but, admittedly, it is the most tasteful one I've ever seen on Game of Thrones. Some of the camera angles were definitely just for boobs and it is a tad too long but it is brilliantly acted and actually... Emotional? It was almost sweet.
Was I just... Positive about Game of Thrones?
Better get back on track - to the Citadel!
Better get back on track - to the Citadel!
Sam finds a treatment for greyscale but it is - gasp - FORBIDDEN. I
WONDER IF SAM WILL PERFORM THE PROCEDURE.
Such mystery
Very intrigue
Much OMG
But yeah, there's pus involved and Sam doesn't give Jorah milk of the poppy (an anaesthetic), he just makes him have rum and basically this controversial treatment is just peeling off the greyscale and treating it with antiseptic.
Revolutionary.
Such mystery
Very intrigue
Much OMG
But yeah, there's pus involved and Sam doesn't give Jorah milk of the poppy (an anaesthetic), he just makes him have rum and basically this controversial treatment is just peeling off the greyscale and treating it with antiseptic.
Revolutionary.
Meanwhile, somewhere unspecified, we hear that the common folk clearly know that Cersei blew up the sept. There's not very much anger here but whatever, Hot Pie is back and he's making Arya make jokes about baking (hehe, get it? She baked and murdered those men ehehe). He also informs her that Brienne was looking for her, oh and the Starks are back in Winterfell, which Arya had no idea about.
How has she not learned this yet?
Obviously, she decides to head to Winterfell to see her sister and Jon instead but this is yet another change to her plans. I can't keep track.
Just to clarify, Arya's various plans thus far have been:
- I want to see what happens when the maps end (said to Lady Crane in S6E8)
- I'm Arya Stark and I'm going home (said to Jaqar in S6E8)
- I'm going to get revenge by baking these Freys and murdering Walder (S6E10)
- I'm going to get more revenge by murdering all the Freys whilst disguised as Walder (S7E1)
- Maybe I should stop revenge, Lannisters are alright (because of Ed Sheeran - S7E1)
- Nah I need to get revenge so I'll kill the Queen (S7E1)
- I'm probs just going to go home (S7E2)
I am confused.
In Winterfell, Sam's raven has finally arrived to tell Jon what Stannis told him two seasons ago about Dragonglass. Jon announces that he is going to go to Dragonstone, without warning Sansa in private AGAIN so she has another outburst AGAIN. Gah, so many of their problems would be solved woith simple communication. The Northern Lords do not want Jon to go and there are so many quick reaction shots of Brienne and Lyanna and Davos and Littlefinger and Sansa, one after another, after another... I honestly thought I was watching Rocky Horror for a minute.
But their incredulity is short lived as he says that he will leave Sansa in charge and then she's all
In Winterfell, Sam's raven has finally arrived to tell Jon what Stannis told him two seasons ago about Dragonglass. Jon announces that he is going to go to Dragonstone, without warning Sansa in private AGAIN so she has another outburst AGAIN. Gah, so many of their problems would be solved woith simple communication. The Northern Lords do not want Jon to go and there are so many quick reaction shots of Brienne and Lyanna and Davos and Littlefinger and Sansa, one after another, after another... I honestly thought I was watching Rocky Horror for a minute.
 |
| Actual footage of the Northern Lords |
 |
| Go as long as you want Jon, I got this |
Before he leaves, Jon pops down to the crypts. Littlefinger appears but is swiftly told he doesn't belong down in the Stark crypts, when Jon himself is a Snow and not a Stark #awks
Super Irish Littlefinger (seriously, wtf is going on Aidan?) tells Jon he deserves a thank you for saving him, when it was Sansa's orders and Robin's army that saved him really.
He then gets choked by Jon because he says he loves Sansa...
Jon tells him he'll kill him if he touches his sister and Littlefinger looks sad... mad? No idea but he's feeling stuff.
 |
| Choking Littlefinger is soooo S1 |
He then gets choked by Jon because he says he loves Sansa...
Jon tells him he'll kill him if he touches his sister and Littlefinger looks sad... mad? No idea but he's feeling stuff.
Nymeria then arrives and, although she wants her to join her in Winterfell at first, Arya soon realises she's changed and sends her away because 'that's not you', calling back to GUESS WHEN?
In our final scene, the Sand Snakes are arguing (yawn) and Yara and Ellaria flirt weirdly in front of Theon, who just walks off to fill drinks rather than get involved.
 |
| Is this episode sponsored by Season 1? |
THEN SUDDEN CRASH IS SUDDEN
Look, I can't be mad at this battle. I want to be. But I can't.
This is Euron being made into the New Ramsay™ and, as much as I hate there being a villain for villain's sake, they have made him such an evil caricature that of course he has to kill everyone and cackle whilst covered in blood and threatening to kill his own niece with an axe.
Of course he does.
It's not my thing at all but I get that it's exciting and somewhat necessary in what has been a fairly dull opening two episodes of the new season so far.
Anyway, who knew it but Euron, as it turns out, is an amazing fighter and kills, well, everyone. One of the Expendables (read: Sand Snakes) is trying to protect her mother when she is threatened with rape, which you would think would illicit a reaction from Ellaria but she seems to be thinking about her post Game of Thrones career and just looks distantly miffed, rather than heartbroken or terrified or angry.
Euron threatens Yara in front of Theon and taunts him into coming for her. Theon, who has been fighting in the battle like a bad arse up until this point, suddenly remembers his previous plotlines and that he's meant to have PTSD and so jumps in the sea, rather than saving his sister.
This came out of nowhere. Literally, Theon has had one or two lines this episode (I'm pretty sure both of them were about getting Ellaria a drink and following the queen's orders) and this seemed more like an opportunity to shame Theon for being a coward than to actually broach the fact that he is still, in many respects, struggling to come to terms with his identity and the trauma he went through as Reek.
He floats in the, presumably nice and warm, water as the ships burn on the horizon. We are not sure why Euron's men don't just haul him out of the sea; this isn't made clear. He's just left to bob along and find his own way back to a storyline but will he be a Gendry or a Hot Pie? I'll be on the edge of my seat.
We cut back to the ship andYara hangs from the bow, whilst Ellaria is skewered on there by a huge sword.
CORRECTION CORNER
It's been pointed out to me that this was actually two of the Sand Snakes, not Ellaria and Yara, and I genuinely could not tell (maybe more lighting next time, guys?) so my apologies.
This makes more sense, though, so Ellaria and/or Yara can be the gift(s) to Cersei next week. If the final Sand Snake is still alive, too, then some horrific vengeance can be had on Cersei's part, too.
Deeply sorry. Will try harder to study my dark screen so I don't confuse characters again.
So, lots of necessary gore and violence means Game of Thrones is back to their old tricks and it's, sadly, a refreshing change of pace. I mean, is it ideal? Of course not. Is it better than watching characters tie up loose ends of storylines and make plans that aren't logistically sound? Infinitely.
The one thing I just can't get past is where this battle is meant to have taken place. Euron left King's Landing and... what? Went past Dragonstone and waited for Yara's fleet to come out? Or ambushed them from behind as, they too, left Blackwater Bay?
However they managed it, it was sheer coincidence and not tactics that led Euron to ambush the ships. He is not a master planner. This feels more like the writers realising that Dany could take King's Landing right now without much bother but they can't have that happen this early in the season, so they've killed off some of her forces so that we can even begin to believe that Cersei could have a chance.
And that's it.
We are left with nothing but questions and memories of Season One thrown in our faces.
High Points
Go follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness @noneedtomoan
And, if you would like to hear a more balanced recap of the episodes or just hear me argue with my friends, who like Game of Thrones, just a reminder to go and listen to our new podcast, She, Herself and Guy. Our recap on Episode Two will be out by the end of this week.
See you next week. I'm not sure why.
This is Euron being made into the New Ramsay™ and, as much as I hate there being a villain for villain's sake, they have made him such an evil caricature that of course he has to kill everyone and cackle whilst covered in blood and threatening to kill his own niece with an axe.
Of course he does.
It's not my thing at all but I get that it's exciting and somewhat necessary in what has been a fairly dull opening two episodes of the new season so far.
Anyway, who knew it but Euron, as it turns out, is an amazing fighter and kills, well, everyone. One of the Expendables (read: Sand Snakes) is trying to protect her mother when she is threatened with rape, which you would think would illicit a reaction from Ellaria but she seems to be thinking about her post Game of Thrones career and just looks distantly miffed, rather than heartbroken or terrified or angry.
Euron threatens Yara in front of Theon and taunts him into coming for her. Theon, who has been fighting in the battle like a bad arse up until this point, suddenly remembers his previous plotlines and that he's meant to have PTSD and so jumps in the sea, rather than saving his sister.
This came out of nowhere. Literally, Theon has had one or two lines this episode (I'm pretty sure both of them were about getting Ellaria a drink and following the queen's orders) and this seemed more like an opportunity to shame Theon for being a coward than to actually broach the fact that he is still, in many respects, struggling to come to terms with his identity and the trauma he went through as Reek.
He floats in the, presumably nice and warm, water as the ships burn on the horizon. We are not sure why Euron's men don't just haul him out of the sea; this isn't made clear. He's just left to bob along and find his own way back to a storyline but will he be a Gendry or a Hot Pie? I'll be on the edge of my seat.
We cut back to the ship and
CORRECTION CORNER
 |
| How was I to know who this was?! |
This makes more sense, though, so Ellaria and/or Yara can be the gift(s) to Cersei next week. If the final Sand Snake is still alive, too, then some horrific vengeance can be had on Cersei's part, too.
Deeply sorry. Will try harder to study my dark screen so I don't confuse characters again.
So, lots of necessary gore and violence means Game of Thrones is back to their old tricks and it's, sadly, a refreshing change of pace. I mean, is it ideal? Of course not. Is it better than watching characters tie up loose ends of storylines and make plans that aren't logistically sound? Infinitely.
The one thing I just can't get past is where this battle is meant to have taken place. Euron left King's Landing and... what? Went past Dragonstone and waited for Yara's fleet to come out? Or ambushed them from behind as, they too, left Blackwater Bay?
However they managed it, it was sheer coincidence and not tactics that led Euron to ambush the ships. He is not a master planner. This feels more like the writers realising that Dany could take King's Landing right now without much bother but they can't have that happen this early in the season, so they've killed off some of her forces so that we can even begin to believe that Cersei could have a chance.
And that's it.
We are left with nothing but questions and memories of Season One thrown in our faces.
High Points
- It's fast paced so it goes quickly
- More actually happens
- Cogman actually attempts to fix some of the damage done by D&D
- Callbacks to earlier seasons (well, just Season 1) that show the writer has actually watched the show before and has some understanding of characters' motivations
Low Points
- The damage already done by D&D
- Mansplaining, particularly Tyrion's relationship with Dany
Summative comment:
Go follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness @noneedtomoan
And, if you would like to hear a more balanced recap of the episodes or just hear me argue with my friends, who like Game of Thrones, just a reminder to go and listen to our new podcast, She, Herself and Guy. Our recap on Episode Two will be out by the end of this week.
See you next week. I'm not sure why.
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