Season Seven, Episode Three - The Queen's Justice

Boy oh boy does the week go fast when you don't want Sunday to come around.

Reviews for the previous two episodes are here: E1 and E2 and the podcast I make with my two friends that is currently covering Game of Thrones is here.

Check 'em out!

Episode Three, you guys!

And, before we even start this week, I've got something to say and I'm just going to have to broach it right off the bat:

The timings in this episode are baffling to me.  

  

I understand that there are only seven episodes in this season (a limit the writers have imposed upon themselves) and so time can't really be wasted on watching people make journeys etc.  I disagree but fine.  Let's pretend I don't.

Even so, shouldn't the storylines make sense together in the same episode?  People are travelling at the speed of light (e.g. Euron getting from attacking Yara presumably near Dragonstone, back to King's Landing and to Casterly Rock within one episode) and I'm apparently in the wrong for bringing it up, whatever, but another issue stemming from it is that your other timelines suddenly fall apart (e.g. The Unsullied getting to Casterly Rock just before Euron's fleet turns up, even though The Unsullied left Dragonstone last episode and yet Euron's had time to do double that journey's length in one episode).  

It causes unnecessary confusion when you have storylines that seem out of sync with one another - perhaps we're not seeing them in choronological order or they're overlapping etc, come up with as many excuses for sloppy writing as you want, but I just don't think this technique is working.  I'm finding it increasingly distracting, especially when time is mentioned and I think to myself, 'Remember that Cersei said to the Iron Bank she'd have his money in two weeks, that will seem stupid in comparison to how far and fast Jaime travels in a moment'.  

So, yeah, I'm not going to go on about timings or timelines or teleportation this week because I feel like people, especially show fans, hate it when I do.  This argument is me being 'picky' or 'ridiculous' and, although I don't understand why, I know when I'm beat so this is me officially backing off ranting about the time stuff in Game of Thrones.  

However, this blog post, I will be highlighting any times I laughed out loud at the timeline during Episode Three, whether it was a journey that was too fast, too slow or just completely clashing with another.  

I'm sorry.  This is my compromise.

Right.

We kick off in Dragonstone, where Jon and Davos are arriving.  Already.

Tyrion and Jon do the whole thing where they pretend for a second that there's beef between them but then they break the tension with jokes about them being bastards and dwarves and everyone laughs.  Introductions are made and they are taken to meet the queen.  On the way, Davos makes awkward small talk with Missandei and Jon and Tyrion talk about how great Tyrion and Sansa are.  

Then, Jon says he's not a Stark and a dragon swoops in and interrupts him.  Melisandre and Varys have a moment where she refuses to see Jon and also seemingly threatens Varys with death in 'this land'.  Then, the big moment, Jon and Dany meet!  There's tension!  There's length introductions!  There's unnecessary backstory!
It's left with Dany getting the Dothraki servants (?) to draw their guests/prisoners baths.

Cool.

"Wow, that was quite a succinct synopsis you made about Dragonstone there, thanks for not going on about details literally no one cares about!" - You, just now, probably

Have you learned nothing at all?

Questions:

1) Has Jon genuinely just brought Davos with him?  That's it?  How is he going to mine for dragonglass with two people?  How is he going to successfully transport it back?  How dangerous is this?  Did he not feel like he wanted any more allies alongside him when meeting a dangerous, potentially mad woman he's committed treason against with dragons and a hoarde of Dothraki?  Who imposed this limit on people?  Dany may have asked him to bend the knee but probably didn't expect him to show up in person.  She definitely didn't say he was only allowed one guest.

2) Where is winter?  People are BARE ARMED.  I'm not even bare armed atm and it's July.  And not Westeros.  

3) Davos.  Your son was murdered in the Battle of Blackwater Bay.  Because of the wildfire that was Tyrion's doing.  It's his fault your son is dead.  When you meet him properly, is your adverb of choice regarding you being on opposite sides during this battle genuinely "unluckily"?  UNLUCKILY?!  A MAN IS DEAD, DAVOS.  YOUR SON.  Why are you not saying anything to Tyrion?  Is this the Shireen thing all over again?  What have the writers done to you, oh dear sweet Onion Knight?

4) We have four episodes left this season.  Rumour has it that next week's is 47 minutes.  47.  How many minutes did we waste on Davos awkwardly saying shit because it's funny?  (Don't get me wrong, it is quite endearing but... WTF USE OF TIME IS THIS?)

5) Does Tyrion accept the marriage with Sansa is over?  Even though a High Septon never reversed the marriage, as law/religion states they have to?

6) Did the writers think the dragons swooping in and causing Jon to duck at the exact moment he announced he wasn't a Stark was cool symbolism?  I feel sick.

7)  Why doesn't Melisandre want to see Jon?  Why does she threaten Varys?  Where else did Varys think he was going to die?  What was this scene and why did I enjoy it?

8)  What does having a Flea Bottom accent have to do with anything, Davos?  No one mentioned it mate.

9)  Is Dany meant to be being purposefully contradictory when she demands Jon Snow keep his ancestors' oath but demands that he doesn't judge her for her father's past actions?  WHICH IS IT DANY?

10)  "You could storm King's Landing tomorrow and it would fall" - Ser Davos.  Why is this not happening?  Don't tell me it's about not wanting to kill innocent people when she's allowing her dragons to continue to fly off the chains and presumably gorge on small children and she's planning on starving out the capital (aka all of the poor people).  

11)  Why does Dany not even acknowledge the White Walkers and instead launch into a huge monologue about her life story?

12)  When was it decided not to tell people about the resurrection?  First, Mel knew not to tell Dany last week - how? - and now Davos knows he's said too much when Jon gives him the look.  Why would he not want Dany to know about the resurrection?  If he didn't die, then his Watch isn't ended and he's a deserter, right?  So he shouldn't be proclaiming himself King in the North.  The Northern Lords should be beheading him right now.

13) Was Varys' fake whispering meant to be the funniest thing I've seen so far in season 7?
14)  Why is Jon waiting to bring up dragonglass when it's literally the only reason he travelled to Dragonstone in the first place?  What is he waiting for?  There were plenty of lulls in conversation that he could've slipped it in, mainly when talking about the White Walkers and how to defeat them.  Maybe focusing less on how Dany 'needs' him and more on his need for her help would've created a better reaction here.

Me RE: Dragonstone plotholes

Meanwhile, maybe at the same time, maybe not, Theon is hauled out of the ocean and onto a surviving Ironborn ship.  They know all about Yara's capture, not really sure how, and OMG I can't even with Alfie Allen this season.  He is acting his bloody face off, to the point that I'm half compelled by Theon's story, even if it is utter nonsesne

Also at the same time probably, Euron has made it back to King's Landing.  

He pulls his 'gifts' through the street and, wow, the commoners are super into Euron and Cersei, even after Olenna said last week that Cersei was very unpopular and also after Cersei did that thing that was pretty extreme and probably would've turned some people against her... 

You know the thing I mean.  

You would think people would be mad about it, especially considering even Hot Pie knew Cersei was responsible for it, last episode when he spoke to Arya.  If it's common knowledge, how would there not be a revolt?  Or at least some small faction of people not 100% on board with what's happening right now?  But now, everyone in King's Landing has shown up to cheer Euron's (and, subsequently, Cersei's) victory.

Alas no, Cersei's popularity is still a-ok and Euron has only helped matters.  

He presents his 'gifts' (Ellaria and Tyene) to Cersei, who promises he'll get his reward (wink wink) once the war is over.  She is absurdly into this.  In a real sick and twisted way (cannot praise Lena Headey enough for this whole episode).  

Oh, after saying some ridiculous sex stuff to Jaime to wind him up and let him know that he knows about the incest (who doesn't mate?), Euron immediately leaves btw.  There's seemingly no debriefing or meeting to catch him up with what future plans are.  He just bolts out of the throne room with his men... keeping Yara?  I don't understand her value as a prisoner at all.  

Then it cuts to the dungeons, where the 'gifts' are being held captive.  The Mountain (that poor actor, having to be hired to just stand inside that suit of armour all day, how boring) is in the room too, just to make things that teeny bit more horrific.  Cersei's wearing lipstick, which is weird, and monologuing for a LOOOONG time about how close she was to her daughter (I swear she's probably said her name all of four times in seven years) and all her death fantasies.  Seriously, as great as Lena Headey is here, this scene is about four minutes too long and really unnecessarily drawn out.  Obviously, Cersei kisses Tyene and tells Ellaria that she has to watch her daughter die like Myrcella (although Myrcella died quickly in Jaime's arms...)

Phew.  Thank God that gross stuff is all over.

NO WAIT CERSEI JAIME SEX SCENE FIRST

So, we finally see the golden hand at last, which is basically the best bit of this entire scene.  Cersei bursts in, all hot and bothered from grotesquely cruel murder, and starts kissing Jaime.  He definitely says no and then she continues kissing him, which leads to some sexual acts being performed and a whole load of Nikolai arse being seen.  

Now, this 'no' line feels incredibly purposeful after the scandal a few years ago where they rewrote a book scene to make consensual sex rape.  The director of the now long-forgotten scene tried to stand by it, claiming it was "consensual by the end" (probably the most disgusting quote I've ever written, and I write Game of Thrones reviews), despite Cersei's last word of the scene being "stop".  I am not saying this scene is on the same level as that one but it's an interesting choice to make, given how this sort of sex scene went down last time.  It almost feels like a giant 'fuck you' to anyone who dared speak out against the writers' use of rape within the show previously.  I do not feel anywhere near qualified enough to analyse this scene and 'no' in more detail but I just wanted to draw some comparisons here.  Now I'll move on.

What really gets me is Jaime still being into Cersei.  Supposedly.  She blew up the sept.  She told him she didn't care about the children.  Tommen betrayed her and they're all dead anyway.  The show seeded relationship issues with them SEASONS ago and yet everything seems fine, to the point where Cersei is happy for people to know about the two of them.  I mean... What?  I don't get it.

Anyway, after Cersei's unashamed showing off of her incestuous sex, she meets with the Iron Bank.  Wow.  Of all the forgotten plotlines, I think Iron Bank was the one fans were least invested in.  Great work, Game of Thrones.  Cersei tells your man Mycroft she has no money but she'll get it in two weeks.  Hey, quick q, if she has no money, how's she been buying her entire KingsQueensguard jazzy new black armour?
Also, she explicitly mentions how much money the Iron Bank of Braavos will have lost due to Dany freeing the slaves.  Okay.  Quick history lesson: both the A Song of Ice and Fire and Game of Thrones fandoms explain that Braavos was founded by former slaves, looking to build a new city safe from slavers:

"Braavos is one of the very few places in Essos where slavery is not practiced [...] In many ways this matches how Braavosi society is described in the novels: founded by a diverse mixture of escaped slaves from the Valyrian Freehold, Braavos is strongly opposed to the slave trade, and has no hereditary nobles or kings" - Game of Thrones Wiki page on Braavos

Game of Thrones.  You're telling me the Iron Bank of Braavos actively funds slavers?  No, you can talk to me all you want about bankers making investments in anything and not caring but I don't buy this at all.  

Solid nope

CONTINUITY AND WORLD BUILDING MATTER, PEOPLE.
Sigh.

We're back in Dragonstone again, because we haven't seen nearly enough of Tyrion, Jon and Dany.  Jon is grounded and sulking about it when Tyrion comes over with some great dialogue to cheer him up.  He gets it out of him that he wants dragonglass (WHY HAS JON NOT SAID IT BEFORE NOW?) and uses his male powers to convince Dany to sort it for Jon.  He also tries to quote himself as a wise man and Dany has none of it.  It's pretty emabarrassing.

In regards to Jon and Dany, I have just one question: is it sexual tension or just terrible acting?

I can't tell the difference any more.

In Winterfell, Sansa is amazing in command and proving that she knows stuff she probably shouldn't/they should have been discussing before this moment (e.g. Winterfell not having prepped for Winter effectively, her catching a Maester offguard and him not knowing how long Winter is likely to be - ye ok m8).  Littlefinger is basically a caricature of an annoying Disney parrot now and I swear what he says doesn't even make sense.
Then, in dramatic reunion pt. 1 news (Arya's journey to Winterfell has been delayed so that we can get a Stark reunion every week like we deserve), Bran is at Winterfell!  Has Meera pulled him the entire way here?  Does she hang around?  Will she ever say anything more than Bran's name?  WHO KNOWS WHO CARES HE'S BACK

There is no real emotion after the hug, though, as Sansa forgets how to be a human being and ask him how he is or comment on how he's a fully grown man now rather than being a boy etc.  She instead tells him he's Lord of Winterfell and gets freaked out when he says he's a Three Eyed Raven instead.  Admittedly, it is hard to explain, but even taking that into account, this is poorly done, Bran. 3/10 must try harder.

I feel like Bran has been going to the Emilia Clarke school of acting.  His face is completely expressionless.

Look. An Actor. Emoting.

Now, you may say that's on account of his whole raven-ness, but then why did the old Three Eyed Raven (remember him? No worries if not, he didn't do much tbf.  Picture left for reference if you're as confused as Sansa about this whole raven business) get emotional in flashbacks/all the time?  He felt things.  HE ACTED.  And those people weren't even his relations.
For me, this choice for Bran's reaction is bizarre.

Also, Sansa is deeply disturbed that he knew EXACTLY what happened on her wedding night when, in reality, Bran was essentially a cheap psychic.  He knew a few things: that she wore white and looked beautiful (pretty easy guess) and that Ramsay put her through something at Winterfell (given that everyone seemingly knew Ramsay was a horrible person, again, not a big leap).  Idk, I wasn't blown away by this revelation.  Was it creepy, knowing that Bran had seen this and was still acting the way he was, completely emotionless and unempathetic?  Hell yes.  Was it impressive/unnerving that he knew this?  Nah.

Quickly!  To the Citadel so we can see Jorah's cured skin (didn't he have 24 hours to leave?  Shouldn't the wounds be oozing?  Shit, I'm talking about timeline, my bad) being poked by a stick.  He's free to go.  There's a weird joke made to Sam that they might meet again that was so blatant I felt like Jorah would wink into camera.  Oh and then they had Sam drop the line, "I read the books and followed the instructions," which, as a book reader, I found to be a personal attack on me.

The only good thing to come out of the Citadel this episode was this GIF:

Credit: @theScottRushing

Anyway, he's allowed to stay at the Citadel (??) but is sad about having to work.  Life is hard, Sam.

And then, guess where we're off to again, good ole Dragonstone!  Dany is upset she's lost her allies and wants to use the dragons, sod the innocent lives that will be lost.  However, now the argument by her council is not the loss of lives, it's the risking of her life.  Priorities change mid-episode I guess.

Jacob Anderson is just smashing it here 

Tyrion kindly talks us through the Unsullied's attack on Casterly Rock which, oh man, I still just don't get the tactics of.  His voiceover is super cringey, the way that they crowbar-ed in Tywin making Tyrion in charge of the sewers for this reason is forced (he BUILT them?!) and weird and the Bronn quote is just... ughhhhhh.

They can reference Bronn but can't take two minutes for Davos' son.  K.

Anyway, there is massive loss of Unsullied life but THEY WIN.  But Grey Worm isn't happy.  He's suspicious.
As he should be, because the rest of the Lannisters are not there but Euron's fleet is!

Where are the Lannisters, you ask?  Isn't it obvious where they could have physically made it to by now?  Duh, Jaime and the Lannister army are obviously already in Highgarden.

Bronn has made it because he appears whenever he's mentioned and Randall and Rickon Dickon Tarly are also onboard.  Excellent.  The gang's back together!
Now, I hate to end on a positive but... I think I enjoyed this final scene?  I mean... it's fine.

PEEAACCEEE

Olenna was actually believable for her character, which is all I can ask for now and, although I obviously don't buy the plan of the Lannisters just allowing Casterly Rock to be taken, I think this scene is well acted and a perfect ending for Olenna.

Somehow, let's not dwell on how, Jaime has talked Cersei out of making Olenna die a painful death and allows her to chug a glass of poisonous wine, an opportunity she relishes.  She is able to go out, not quite in a blaze of glory, but with a brilliantly dignified 'fuck you, fuck your son born of incest and especially fuck your evil sister, who will be the death of you'.

Glorious.

Okay.  Back to reality.

High Points

• Olenna.  She saved everything
• Varys and Mel.  I don't know why
• 
  

Low Points

• The timeline issues I'm not going to talk about
• Cersei was particularly problematic
• Dragonstone plotholes - poor tactics, Melisandre having to go home, not being allowed to talk about the ressurrection, Jon only bringing one man with him, said man (Davos) forgetting his dead son, no one mentioning dragonglass until Tyrion remembered to save the day and ask... 

Summative comment:

Go follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness @noneedtomoan

And, if you would like to hear a more balanced recap of the episodes or just hear me argue with my friends, who like Game of Thrones, just a reminder to go and listen to our new podcast, She, Herself and Guy.  Our recap on Episode Three will be out by the end of this week.

We're nearly halfway through, guys.  See you next Monday.