Season Seven, Episode Seven - The Dragon and the Wolf

I used to watch Game of Thrones every week, waking up at 01:45am on a Monday morning to live-tweet my thoughts (@noneedtomoan) and staying up late that night to write a full review (if you want to catch up on season seven, here are my previous rants: E1, E2 , E3, E4, E5 and E6). I even had a podcast with two of my friends, analysing each episode between us (She, Herself and Guy).
We were gathering a very small but loyal following but, sadly, my Mac had other plans. It tragically died a death with my blog post of the finale of Season Seven on it. In the midst of planning a wedding, I did nothing further. Without my Mac, I couldn't edit the final podcast episode either. I was so busy that I just let it all go.

However, a Facebook friend of mine excitedly shared a trailer for Season Eight of Game of Thrones recently and I realised I couldn't sit back and stay quiet. It was time to return, kicking and screaming, and I couldn't do that properly until I'd thoroughly reviewed the Season Seven finale.
That leads us to now. I sit in my front room, cup of coffee in front of me, notepad in hand, brightness turned all the way up (OMG IT'S SO DARK), and ready to remember what actually happened in the final episode of the penultimate season of Game of Thrones (I've honestly blocked it out so this will be as emotional anger-inducing as it was the first time round).

Apparently it was a brilliant episode...

"This felt like a return to focusing on the basics of drama — great writing, acting and direction — and was the best episode of the season" - Entertainment Weekly

Let's see if I agree.

We kick off with a recap, which is actually very helpful in my situation:

Me when I begin to remember last episode 

• Euron takes Yara and Theon literally gets in the sea rather than saving her
• Sansa sends Brienne to King's Landing, discovers the bag of faces (OMG HOW COULD I FORGET?!) and is threatened by Arya
• Tyrion and Jaime have a Bronn-facilitated meeting to arrange for Cersei to see proof of the Army of the Dead
• The Night's King kills the Dragon Not Important Enough To Have A Name and makes it an undead wight with blue eyes
• Dany and Jon hold hands (oo-er) and he calls her his queen

Okay let's crack on then. I'll try and do this geographically but there's some confusing crossover bits that I'll have to try and tackle when I reach them.

We open on a shit tonne of Unsullied and Dothraki soldiers at King's Landing and Bronn and Jaime having a nice chat about cocks rather than anything meaningful. Bronn even says he's starting to think that Team Cersei is "about to be the downtrodden"

[Very early for my first aside but doesn't this beg the question - why do Dany and Jon need Cersei? Their armies are much more vast so what can the Lannister army truly bring to help? Wouldn't they have been better off staying up North and readying themselves for battle there? Collecting all the dragonstone they can find? Training the Unsullied and Dotrhraki in combat with the wights? This entire endeavour feels pointless to me. Especially them ALL going. Maybe that's just me.]

The rest of Dany's crew, minus Dany, is arriving by boat. Tyrion makes some SWEET brothel jokes and the Hound goes below deck to bang on the crate with the wight in it and remind everyone what we're doing here.

Meanwhile, Cersei is finding out from Qyburn and Jaime that Dany isn't on the boat with the rest of her cronies and is not happy about it. Regardless, she heads over to the Dragonpit for the meeting.

[I mean, if I were Queen and meeting up with a known enemy who has dragons and wants me dead, I'd definitely meet somewhere with a lot of space overhead, enough for a deadly dragon or three to land in comfortably. Great idea. What could possibly happen?]

Before she goes, she tells Dead Mountain to kill the "silver haired bitch" first, should anything go wrong (#Feminism). Interestingly, Tyrion ranks at No. 2 on the 'who-to-kill- and-when' list... Tyrion. The man she blames for her children's deaths. The man who killed her father. The man she has always been terrified of because she knows she will die at his hand one day. Whoops. They cut that prophecy. (Gah. I really intended to avoid book references. Sorry. My bad.)

Jaime has a weird reaction to all of this. He looks almost concerned about Cersei's murderous impulses. Almost like this is a new side to her, wanting to kill a few people.  This is the woman who blew up the sept containing all of the Tyrells, septons and numerous innocent onlookers.
I'm glad they're distancing Jaime from Cersei but it feels miles too late.
If he's stood by her this far, what will it take for him to actually leave her?
Where is our 'honour' story arc for Jaime? (Ffs, once you start with the book references apparently you can't stop. Soz. Again. I'll reign it in.)


Next, we cut to the gang (minus Gendry... where's he? The Wall? Remember when he was the true heir to the Baratheon throne? Good times) transporting the wight to the Dragonpit. Then, let's waste some time in the finale for no apparent reason by having meaningless catch ups with people who haven't seen in other in a while!

Catch Up 1 - Pod and Tyrion
As much as I loved these two as a duo many moons ago, this conversation added nothing to anything. A nod would have done the same job. Whatever, Bronn realises this and helpfully interrupts by reminding everyone that Pod has a massive magic penis.

[Interesting how this useless fact about Pod has never been forgotten. Anytime we see him, it's brought up. Unlike other character traits - The Hound's fear of fire, which disappeared when he had to mount a dragon, Family Man Davos forgetting his dead son at the hands of Tyrion when they join forces, Jon looking more like Ned than any of the other Starks until he conveniently doesn't last episode - THIS, this penis fact that is completely made up and adds nothing to his character or the rest of the storyline, THIS is remembered]

Catch Up 2 - Brienne and Hound
I suppose this wasn't the absolute worst but only because the actors sold it to me. I have to admit that I liked the Hound's proud smile when he found out people need protecting from Arya but, if we're honest, the overall conversation was still incredibly unnecessary and taught us nothing new. To say that they've cut the episodes down from 10 to 7, they're still including a whole heap of shit we don't need here.

Catch Up 3 - Tyrion and Pod (again), with Bronn
As Bronn said, there's no time for Tyrion to suck Pod's magic cock but there's plenty of time for him to do it to himself as he decrees the are the "heroes of Blackwater Bay". Bronn tries to convince Tyrion, and the rest of us, that arranging this meeting meant no risk to him but it is weirdly above and beyond the call of duty for a man that used to be a sell sword, fighting for the highest bidder. He also turns Tyrion's offer of double the money to change allegiances. It feels a lot like Bronn is loyal to the Lannisters now, sticking his neck out for them, where before this loyalty could easily be bought. (#GoodGuyBronn)

Catch ups over, the Hound leaves the wight outside and they enter THE DRAGON PIT (sorry, the dramatic music made me feel like all caps was necessary). Pod and Bronn leave for a pint, despite the latter organising the whole thing and saying to Tyrion moments earlier that it would get him in Cersei's good books.

Cersei and her mates enter and everyone seems to recognise the giant, Mountain-shaped soldier following her as the dead Gregor Clegane. The Hound visibly reacts and Tyrion agrees that it would seem that every Lannister has a "Clegane c*nt" to help them see their bad plans through.

Me trying to work out how everyone's ok with the Mountain

[This is confusing to me. Everyone knows this is the Mountain? Even though the Dornish were sent 'his head' as justice for Oberyn Martell's death? They're all okay with necromancy, just not when it's the White Walkers? They've travelled across Westeros to prove to Cersei that the undead exist when she has one working for her and they all KNOW THAT? Why can they not get Qyburn to 'fix' some of the wights then? Also, why did Jon tell Davos to keep his resurrection a secret? I assumed it was because people didn't particularly approve of necromancy... But the Mountain can be raised from the dead and work for Cersei and that's fine? WHAT?!]

Just as we had catch ups earlier, we now enjoy about 30 seconds of meaningful glances between people:
Jaime and Brienne
Cersei and Tyrion
Euron and Theon

Oooh. Tense. *eyeroll*

Anyway, it's been a while since there was any #CleganeBowl hype so the writers make sure the Hound goes straight up to his dead-not-dead brother and, somehow knowing he wouldn't be able to answer any questions, has a one sided conversation about how he definitely remembers him and how the Mountain knows this isn't how it ends for him - someone else is coming for him. And, even though now would probably be a mint time to prove this to him (the world is about to end because of the wights, who knows when you'll see him again), the Hound decides to walk back out the way he came.
#CleganeBowl for Season Eight, anyone?

Dany arrives by dragon, late. No real reaction from anyone tbh. No sense of wonder at these creatures that haven't been seen by anyone of this generation. They've just heard stories of them. Here they are, the mythical creatures and...

.... This is pretty much it from everyone.

Even if you want to say that these people were all too tense and scared about the meeting to react, we could've seen some of the commoners of King's Landing reacting to dragons overhead for the first time in their lifetimes. That may have been cool. 

So charisma-less Dany arrives and takes her seat and... says nothing while Tyrion stands up. I get that queens may not talk for themselves. But Cersei certainly does. This feels less like Dany showing her power and more like the writers having a hard on for Tyrion but whatever.

Obvious Euron is on my side too because he's having none of this and shouts over Tyrion to Theon, demandign he submit in order to save Yara. 

Everyone ignores him and, after some snide dwarf jokes, we're back on task. Good ole Jon steps in now because it's not enough to have one man explaining the obvious to two important women. He tells them about the Army of the Dead.
The Hound, hearing his cue from underground, drags the crate up from a different place to where he left it because #drama. The wight runs directly for Cersei until the Hound grabs a chain and stops it (The Mountain was legit useless here so it doesn't bode well for battle, Cersei bbz). He further demonstrates its resilience by chopping it up with his normal sword, only for it to continue moving.

Cersei remains unmoved,  Jaime looks confused and Qyburn, in all honesty, is incredibly aroused, picking up the hand for later use. Not quite the reaction they were hoping for from their demonstration I think.

Jon then goes into further detail about how only fire and dragonglass can destroy the wights and I scream in frustration for a little bit.
Where was this confirmation last episode? Because I'm pretty sure that no one covered this before they left on their stupid, stupid mission. 

The gang that ventured beyond the wall all had weapons and spears but it was never really specified that this was dragonglass, even though they all seemed to successfully kill wights as they attacked. FFS, Jon killed the main guy with his sword. Yes, it was a Valyrian steel sword and this had already happened way back in Season Five, Episode Five (Hardhome) but then why doesn't he mention this?

He lists these two methods as the only ways the wights can be killed when this is clearly not true and clearly wasn't explained to the little A-Team squadron that went beyond the wall last episode. GOD, JON YOU'RE SO STUPID.


Sorry, back to the episode. Euron, who's read the synopsis of last week's mission beyond the wall, asks if the wights can swim and Jon says no.

Sigh.

Why do I do this to myself?

Wights can't swim. Cool. We have mild evidence of this because they will not cross water until it's iced over. Very true, well done Jon.

Except, remember last episode? When Tormund was being dragged into the water by some wights that had just been pushed in there by the Hound?
I couldn't find a GIF for this bit but I rewatched and screenshotted the moment the wights popped out of the water and, trust me, those bastards can SWIM.
This also makes you wonder why the wights spent the entire night on the other side of the water surrounding the A-Team last episode. Could it have been for plot purposes? Or maybe, genuinely, this moment pictured is the moment they realised they can swim? Mainly, my point is THEY CAN SWIM.
This makes me angry because Jorah was there when this was happening to Tormund and he helped him out of the situation. Jorah knows wights can swim but says NOTHING now. This is his moment to look smarter than Jon in front of Dany and he doesn't take it? I call bullshit. The writers needed Euron to go at this point and his only excuse to go was that it was safer to be on water. #plothole

Oh, just in case you don't think two wights surviving a mild dunking from the Hound is evidence that they can swim, please enjoy this GIF of the wights using chains to pull out the undead version of The Dragon Not Important Enough To Have A Name.
How did they get the chains under/attached to the dragon? Someone would have to be able to swim and I can only see wights, how about you? I put less credence to this because, for now, Jon and co don't know about this, but we certainly do.
Wights can swim and D&D are such terrible writers that they have to leave massive gaping plot holes in order to move their story forward.

Whatever.
Euron goes back to the Iron Islands . Bye.

Cersei was apparently more moved than her face let on during the wight display and agrees to the truce on one condition - Jon, King of the North, cannot pick a side. He must remain neutral.

[Quickly, I find it curious that Dany is called a 'would-be usurper' by Cersei and Robb was called a traitor for saying he was King of the North but Jon is just allowed to do it? And is forgiven? #doublestandards]

Well this is supes awks because Jon JUST declared Dany to be his queen last episode.

Cersei also takes this moment to remind us all that Jon is Ned Stark's son (lel foreshadowing) and that Ned was always true to his word, even when he lied about committing treason to protect his family.

Everyone @ Jon

Jon comes clean -- he's already pledged allegiance to Dany. Soz. Everyone's a bit annoyed at him for telling the truth and Cersei is now unwilling to make a deal. She says the undead will be the North's problem first and storms right out of there.

Everyone berates Jon for telling the truth and dropping himself in it, ruining the plan, and Dany reminds him that No Name Dead Dragon (if they won't name him properly, neither will I) died for the cause and, right now, that means nothing.

Welcome to Game of Thrones, Dany. Nothing means anything.

Tyrion tells Jon off for not knowing when he needs to lie and Jon doesn't care; he cannot swear an oath he can't uphold, even if it is the attitude that got Ned killed.

[Gah. Jon. Ned was beheaded by Joffrey because the Lannisters had him up against a wall: he had to lie and say he was a traitor before and now he believes Joffrey to be the true King. If he didn't tell this lie, Sansa would be in danger as they held her hostage. The only reason Ned was able to be publicly executed like this was because he told this lie. If he'd stuck to his guns, they may have kept him prisoner forever, torturing Sansa and using him as a bargaining chip with Robb. I KNOW Ned is remembered as an incredibly honourable man but he lied about this and, of course, he told the lie that saved Jon's life: he is my bastard son. He knew lying was crucial when lives were at stake. Don't blame your weirdly honest response to Cersei here on Ned. This is all you, Jon. You idiot.]

Jon: "When enough people make false promises, words stop meaning anything"
I mean this bit should essentially be the tagline for Seasons 5-7.

So, Jon's got us all in a right pickle. Not to worry! Wise Ole Tyrion will save us!
He heads to the Red Keep to see Cersei, who tells him his only goal is to destroy the Lannisters. Remorseful Tyrion then shares with her that he hates himself for killing Tywin because D&D can't very well have their ultimate hero going around saying he did the right thing, can they? Even though Angry Tyrion had every reason to kill Tywin and enjoyed killing him and Shae (never forget this needless death, guys). I hate that they've written in this shame; it seems so ill-matched to Actual Tyrion, who is meant to be complicated and have elements of good and bad - he isn't just a 'good guy'. Sigh.

Anyway, Cersei cares not a jot for this regret, as Evil Tyrion killed Myrcella (he did push the whole Dorne thing, fair) and Tommen (pretty sure he committed suicide but ok), even if he didn't kill Joffrey (this must be news to Tyrion - who, as far as I know, doesn't know about Olenna's deathbed confession. Weird that he doesn't  ask what's changed her mind since they last spoke...)
Martyr Tyrion tells her to kill him and my big question is: Why. The. Fuck. Doesn't. She.

[Cersei has hated Tyrion for most of her life. She has threatened him multiple times. Dany and Jon are already against her and most of that gang predict that he's going into a dangerous meeting anyway -- I don't think they'd be surprised if she killed him. Yes, Tyrion claims he is The Dany Whisperer and, if he wasn't advising her, she would've brought fire and blood to King's Landing but I don't think Team Dany have time to take vengeance for his death straight away. They'd have to go kill all the wights before they come back for Cersei... Exactly what they are going to do anyway. I honestly cannot understand why Cersei doesn't take this moment. I also can't understand why the writers continue to keep Tyrion alive when his death would be incredibly shocking and make good TV. Remember when we never used to know who they'd kill off next? Yeah, that element of mystery is long gone. Tyrion will stay alive no matter what he does or says. Because he is Tyrion.]

Whatever. Cersei's pregnant. Whoop-de-doo.

*cough* Dany. Dany did that. *cough*

Meanwhile, back at the Dragonpit, Jon and Dany are having a chat while handling bones of dragons past.
Sexy.

Dany says in Valyrian "A dragon is not a slave" sand she slags off her ancestors for keeping dragons chained up in the dragonpit because yeah what awful person would do that to keep their citizens safe?

Anyway, they have a nice chat and Dany blurts out "I CAN'T HAVE CHILDREN" and, when Jon asks her how she knows this, she says that the witch that murdered her husband told her.

Okay. I don't want to be a dick here, Dany, but let's go back to your husband's death. Mirri Maz Duur 'cured him' and killed your unborn child. Drogo was left in a vegetative state and this exchange happened:

And that was it. Then, you didn't want Drogo to live this way so YOU mercy-killed him. So let's not refer to the witch as a murderer, maybe, yeah? Also, Mirri Maz Duur made no prophecy about your ability to have children. I know I said I wouldn't bring them up but the only place with that information in is the books. D&D can't have it both ways -- they can't tell us to think of the TV series as a separate entity to the books and then nick stuff from the books that they've forgotten to seed earlier on. It is REALLY important that Dany has thought she was barren since Mirri Maz Duur's prophecy. It seeds her attachment to the dragons as her children, her sympathy and anger over children being enslaved and killed in Mereen, and the way she is torn about the Iron Throne - she knows she deserves it and it is hers, but she cannot produce an heir, so who will sit on the throne after her? This obviously just seemed like boring book stuff to D&D, and not important character development, so they cut it from Season One. But, now, when it needs to be a surprise that she will be pregnant with Jon Snow's child next season (I mean, duh), they have to have a OMG of course she can't get pregnant bit first. 

Oh, wow, I didn't think I was this angry but apparently I am, sorry.

Back to Dany and Jon, who are, I think, meant to be understanding and trusting one another at this point. We're meant to feel that white-hot chemistry burning between them but... It's just Kit and Emilia pointing their dead eyes in each other's direction and I hate everything and everyone and I wish I hadn't rewatched because honestly we're barely into it and there's so much more bullshit to come in this episode and I might have to take a break to cry for a little bit.

Hero Tyrion returns to the Dragonpit, closely followed by Cersei, who reluctantly agrees to call her banners to march North alongside Dany for the Great War.

Later, Cersei speaks to Jaime and reveals they are not sending their troops to help fight the wights at all. TWAS ALL A LIE. Jaime is appalled and shocked (not sure how, this is classic Cersei) at her lies and Cersei tries to convince him it's for the best, using their unborn baby as the main reason. Then, big reveal: it turns out Euron isn't really going back to the Iron Islands - he's heading to Essos to get the 20,000 men, horses, and elephants of the Golden Company in return for Cersei's hand in marriage.
Jaime is heartbroken and finally sees Cersei for what she is. Apparently of all the horrendous, murderous things she's done (killing everyone at the sept, sleeping with Lancel etc etc), her plotting with Euron Greyjoy behind his back is the last straw. He tries to storm out but Cersei threatens him with treason and seems to signal The Mountain to do something. For a millisecond, I forget that this is Season Seven and not Season Three and I think that maybe there might be a shock death of a named character but, alas not. It is not clear if Cersei decides to let Jaime go or if The Mountain is a bit slow on the uptake (I mean, he is dead) and doesn't do as he is asked. Maybe she needs a clearer signal for 'kill him'.
So this is two traitorous brothers that have asked Cersei to kill them now. Number dead: 0.
Then, as Jaime is leaving King's Landing, it begins to snow. Finally, winter has arrived in the very warm-looking capital.

[Given this reveal, I can't help but feel like the whole Cersei/Dany meet was a pointless excuse to get all the actors together in one scene. Think about it: if Dany would have sent a raven and Cersei would have said no to helping... Would the episode have ended any differently? If they'd just sent the Hound with the wight? Any difference? Really, Team Dany should have stayed North and began preparations for the Great War, rather than faffing about trying to convince someone who hates them all to help them.]

#boatsex

Back at Dragonstone (I'm assuming because of the map), there's some planning about how Dany will travel North. Jorah makes the excellent point that a dragon journey is quicker and much safer but Jon offers a boat.
Which has bedrooms. For... Sleeping.

If you know what I mean.

Theon then takes a minute to catch up with Jon and, I have to take a minute here for Alfie Allen. He absolutely acts his socks off in this scene and I only wish he'd been given some good lines to deliver. Imagine what he could do with a situation that actually makes sense. Gah, what a waste. Anyway, Jon says some nonsense about how Ned was a father to Theon (he wasn't, Theon was a 'ward' or a political prisoner, being held by the Starks to ensure the Greyjoys didn't revolt again. The Stark family always kept Theon at arm's length because he wasn't one of them. It is known) and that he's a Greyjoy and a Stark. NO HE'S NOT.
Theon decides to do the right thing and go and rescue Yara at last (isn't Ellaria Sand being held by Euron too? Does anyone remember her? Have the Dornish just given up? Or do D&D want to pretend Season Five never happened?) so he goes down to the beach to ask some Ironborne men to back him in his rescue attempt.
He has a fight with the leader of the group, who keeps telling him to stay down, but Theon continues to get up and fight. Then, the Unnamed Ironborne man knees Theon between the legs because punching him in the face and heabutting him had been working too well. But, obviously Theon has been castrated so there is NO PAIN WHATSOEVER.

Okay. Okay. This was embarrassing.

Entertainment Weekly said of this scene:

"This isn't meant to be funny. If you can get past that this moment hinges on that silliest of comedic tropes - the kick in the nuts - it's emotionally powerful".

I think EW are giving the writers too much credit here and, honestly 99% of viewers will have had this reaction:

After the shock of the moment, Theon smiles and manages to get four punches to the leader's head, which apparently kills him, and the Ironborne all shout "Yara!" and go on their merry way.

Okay let's head to Winterfell. Not because I want to, but because we have to.
Littlefinger is trying to be the great puppet master he was once rumoured to be before the TV show got their hands on him and tells Sansa to imagine the worst case scenario of why Arya is back. This isn't hard for her: Arya out-and-out threatened her with death when they were on their own in her room so Sansa naturally is very wary of her little sister.
Later, there is a meeting in the Great Hall, she lists the accusations of treason and murder and then reveals... It's Lord Baelish she is accusing!
DUN DUN DUNNNNN
Littlefinger is very surprised but no one else is. She lists his crimes: killing Jon Arryn, convincing Lysa Arryn to write to her sister stating the Lannisters killed her husband before throwing her out of the Moon Door, plotting with Cersei to kill Ned Stark...
All of these things, which probably should've been brought up sooner, eh?

Give me strength.

Littlefinger very fairly says that they have no proof but UH OH SUPER ALL-KNOWING BRAN ALERT. Apparently, just like Westeros has accepted necromancy in the form of The Mountain, The North has accepted that Bran is a magic all-seeing, all-knowing boy, whose visions* can be trusted and can be used as evidence in a trial.

*just checking - didn't the Three Eyed Raven's visions always come from the network of weirwood trees? And that's why the original 3ER (RIP) was most powerful in the cave of weirwood roots? He was connected to everything. I don't remember a weirwood tree in King's Landing when Littlefinger threatened Ned and said the famous "I told you not to trust me" line, so how has Bran-The-New-3ER seen this?

Apparently it's only me, yet again, that cares about the semantics because the Northerners take Bran's word as gospel and ignore his requests to give him safe passage back to the Eeyrie because he is Lord Protector of the Vale (I wonder how Robin is doing, btw).
Sansa remembers that Littlefinger also sold her to the Boltons and how that wasn't too great and Littlefinger realises he can't talk his way out of this one. He begs for forgiveness on his knees, making him the perfect height for Arya to slash his throat, in the traditional execution method of the North. (How cool would it have been for them to behead Littlefinger where Ned beheaded the traitor of the Night's Watch way back in the first episode? With Bran watching on like he did back then? They love Ned in one scene then go out of their way to avoid callbacks in others, just to make sure we know how much of a bad arse Arya is).

Later, Sam and Gilly arrive with tiny baby Sam, whose age makes me want to punch things, and Sam immediately goes to see Bran The Wise All-Knowing. Bran obviously knows who it is at the door without looking up and tells him that he can see everything in the past and everything that is happened now, all over the world. Then he asks what Sam is doing there (slightly less all-knowing than we originally thought).
Bran then becomes Mr Exposition and tells us what has been clunkily written into every Jon scene this season: Jon is not Ned's son, his mother is Bran's aunt, Lyanna Stark. He needs to tell Jon this. He's been corresponding with Jon pretty regularly via ravens but he hasn't told him this but HE NEEDS TO KNOW (?!)
Bran tells us that his name should be Sand, not Snow, because he was a bastard born in Dorne. Sam then tells Bran something he doesn't know (I mean, I'm starting to think that's most things): Rheagar Targaryen had his first marriage with Elia Martell annulled (despite two children together... THIS ISN'T WHAT ANNULMENT IS) and married Lyanna in secret. Jon isn't a bastard.

Budget issues = wig reuse

Bran the Three Eyed Raven has a vision of a wedding somewhere very un-Dorne-like of a man in the Viserys wig (Rheagar, we can presume) marrying Lyanna in secret.

Bran's narration then says that Robert's Rebellion was built on a lie because Lyanna wasn't kidnapped and raped - she chose to marry Rheagar.

[Hello. Me again, with an angry aside. True, Lyanna's 'abduction' was the initial catalyst for Robert's Rebellion but so was Mad Aegon's behaviour. I mean, don't skirt around the fact that he killed Rickard and Brandon under horrendous, torturous circumstances and then called for both Robert's and Ned's heads. That definitely did more to get backing for the rebellion than Lyanna's plight.]

Okay, this is where my geographical summary kind of falls apart as, intercut with this flashback and Bran's narration in Winterfell, is the boat sex scene.

Look how mad he is!!

Jon knocks on Dany's door.
There are no words.
He enters her room.
We pan back to the hallway... and Tyrion is v mad about this.
Lol why?
I know we like seeing Tyrion's angry face but why would he be mad about this? Jon's already pledged his allegiance. Jon and Dany both take Tyrion's advice; it's not like Jon opposes Tyrion regularly.
CONFUSING ANGRY TYRION IS ANGRY.

Anyway, over the top of some awfully passionless sex and Lyanna whispering to Ned, Bran tells us that Jon is the rightful heir to the Iron Throne and his real name is Aegon.

[Erm. What?
Rheagar already has a son called Aegon with Elia. Is he that much of a dick that he would delegitimise his children with his first wife and then name his 'true' heir born of his second wife after his other son? That's so WEIRD. I thought Rheagar was supposed to be a good guy? This is a dick move.]

Obviously Dany and Jon don't know this and so the aunt and nephew precede to have sex. They are definitely naked and writhing but it's all very awkward and incredibly un-sexy. This can't just be me.
Whatever. Sex is done. Incest is still a thing, even now Jaime and Cersei are over. Hooray!

Back on the rooftop, Sansa and Arya are finally having the nice bonding Stark sister moment they should have had the moment Arya returned.
[Honestly, this double bluff of Sansa being wary of Arya only to trust inherently over Littlefinger in a 'shock twist' is so STUPID. Why would Arya threaten to rip Sansa's face off? They were on their own, this wasn't to trick Littlefinger that they were arguing - they genuinely were. The only reason for it was so the audience would be surprised at what happens next, but it's totally out of character, as we see in this finale on the roof.]

Arya and Sansa discuss Ned and how the lone wolf dies but the pack survives. This could have been said last episode without Sansa finding the bag of faces (loooooool, every time) and without any threat from Arya. Then, the audience could be super hyped for them to team up and take Littlefinger down.

[The scene of Arya threatening to kill Sansa when they were secretly friends all along  is on a level with this smile from Hans in Frozen:

Only the audience sees it so we believe he is a good guy, when later on you find out he's only after Anna for the crown and he doesn't love her at all. THEN WHY SMILE LIKE THIS, HANS?!
Sorry, I forgot what I was meant to be ranting about. Hopefully you get my point.]

I do also love how they only talk about missing their dad here. No mentions for their mum or their two brothers. All dead, guys. Not just Ned. There were other Starks.

Finally, back with Bran, he's having a vision of Eastwatch. Tormund and Beric are on the Wall when, after seven LONG seasons, the Army of the Dead have reached the Wall. There's bloody loads of 'em. To make matters worse, the Night's King has only gone and got an ice dragon, hasn't he?
Unnamed Dead-Now-Undead Dragon breathes blue flames at the Wall, which WORKS. It burns a hole through the Wall and many Night's Watchmen are thrown to their deaths (I'm going to go out on a limb here and say expect to see Tormund and Beric alive again next season, though).

Season Seven ends with the wights crossing the Wall and arriving in Westeros.
Considering the distance between the Wall and Winterfell in the show so far, they should arrive immediately next episode but let's not dwell too much on that.

Aaaand we're done! Good God, now I remember why I'd blocked this episode out.
Fewer plot holes and time/travel issues to get angry about but still a very problematic finale.


High Points:

• The Hound's smile about Arya
•    
•  

Low Points:

• Pointless truce talks that did nothing for the plot
• Jaime's character assassination
• Jon = Aegon WTF
• Tyrion still being alive

Summary:

I'm sorry this is so lengthy but, to be fair, so was the 1hr 21min episode.
I will be back soon with a blog post of everything we've been given for Season Eight so far. I have lots of feelings about it all.
Follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness: @noneedtomoan

This April is going to be rough, isn't it?

Season Seven, Episode Six - Beyond The Wall

I've struggled this week.
Despite being proven wrong every episode, I never quite want to believe the leaked summaries (check out reddit/r/freefolk - it's the best for spoilers) are real because they just seem beyond ridiculous.  And yet, every week, I see that it wasn't just poorly written fan fiction; this is genuinely a show that people enjoy and think is good TV.  Episode Six has been reviewed at an average of 9.6/10 by 18,461 people on imdb and it just makes me want to die.
Anyway, if you're new here, my recaps and reviews for the rest of season seven are here: E1, E2 , E3, E4 and E5 and the podcast I make with my two friends that is currently covering Game of Thrones is here.  Prepare yourselves.  I transcend anger this week.  Pretty sure I'm reaching hysteria.

Oh dear.  It has begun.

Quick Q: Did everyone else see the random shot of the map, leading up to The Wall?  Then the fire crackling in the background?  There was no music and no further references to it so I ended up thinking that it was an editing error that had been overlooked in post.  I wouldn't put it past them.  
If everyone else did see this scene... Could someone please explain the point of it to me?  The title of the episode is literally, 'Beyond The Wall'.  I think I know where we're headed and thirty seconds of practically pitch black footage of a table map that no one has used in a while isn't adding anything here.

Okay I'm going to do this geographically again because I can't jump around from place to place like they did for fear of bursting a blood vessel.  Let's just dive into this with Winterfell.

Sansa wanders out onto the balcony to meet Arya who is officially Staring Into The Distance In Order To Wistfully Monologue.

She creepily tells stories of Ned approving of her challenging the rules of society and, yeah, cool, Ned was on board with her having these hobbies (he hired Syrio to help teach her some basic swordfighting) but he never approved of the 'rules are wrong' message she's conveying here.  Ned always knew that, one day, Arya would have to settle down, be a lady, get married, have children etc.  He might have known this wouldn't suit her and wouldn't be her choice but... There isn't a choice.  In a patriarchy, as a Lord, he and his children have to do as they are expected.  Fuck, if it wasn't for these sort of rules, Jon's life could've been very different.

Anyway, when her pathetic clapping ends what was a painfully dull soliloquy, she turns to Sansa and says, "Now he's dead, killed by the Lannisters... with your help".

Sansa trying to work out wtf's going on

Sansa is as confused as all of us are, until Arya reads the scroll to her (note -- Sansa literally tries to get her to stop reading it because she remembers it but Arya looks dead into the camera and is all 'no, I'll just read it, some of us need to hear it') and then she's DOUBLY confused.

But... Robb and Bran both realised I was writing this under duress?  As I was a fourteen year old girl, who'd just seen her father beheaded and was terrified for her life?  And my betrothed was emotionally abusing me?  I was going through quite a bit, mate, surely you realise I wasn't in my right mind?  Also, I sent it to Robb whilst he was fighting in the South.  How did it end up here?

Nope.  Arya has no time for your explanations or questions.  In fact, Sansa, Arya has another bombshell to drop: she saw you there, when your dad was beheaded.  Standing there.  In a pretty dress.

Remember?  I mean, you probably don't remember.
She judges you.  For standing there.  In a pretty dress.
Obviously, you mustn't have had an emotional reaction.  You mustn't have moved.  You obviously didn't have to be held back as you screamed and reached for your father.  In the books, your screams don't haunt Arya.
Nope.
This is just more stuff for Arya to hate you for.  Not terrible, heartbreaking pain that the two of you can bond over.  Unite over a common enemy and the loss of your beloved father.

So, yeah.  Evil Arya™ is officially mad at Sansa for the actions she took whilst trying to preserve her life, the life-altering decisions she was forced to make AS A CHILD.  Cool.
She says that she'll tell all the Northern Lords, even little Lyanna who is TOUGHER THAN YOU'LL EVER BE SANSA.  Sansa gives a good effort, telling her she'd saved the day at The Battle of the Bastards (which is apparently just what everyone in-universe is calling this now?) and we all scream YAAAS SANSA NOW TELL LITTLEFINGER THE SAME AND THAT YOU DON'T NEED HIM WOOOO

Me @  The Winterfell Shitshow

Despite this incredibly sound logic, Arya stays angry and storms off, letting the threat linger so, obviously, Sansa confides in Littlefinger.  The guy whose every move is questioned, who no one trusts and no one knows why is there.  THAT GUY.  He lies and says he doesn't know where the letter came from because chaos is a laddah and then... I don't know.  I think he threatens both her and Arya with Brienne, who is honour-bound to protect them.

Whatever this plan is meant to be, it doesn't play as a well thought-out and carefully played game of chess.  Right now, rather, it all feels a bit like Jenga.  No, not Jenga, that requires forethought and planning.  Buckaroo.  Littlefinger is playing Buckaroo and we're meant to think he's an unrivalled Grand Master.

Anyway, later on, Sansa gets a raven about a meeting with the Lannisters that we haven't been told about but we are assuming is the whole 'show Cersei our dead zombie thing' plan coming to fruition.
Weird, because this is Jon's plan and Sansa said in the previous scene that she hadn't heard from him in two weeks.  You'd think he'd get Varys or someone to pass on word about his plan so that Sansa knew this invitation was important.  Huh.
So our Sansa doesn't fancy it and decides to send Brienne.  Sensible.  The exact opposite to Jon's plan of taking himself off to meet Dany and putting himself at risk for no reason and very, very logical.  Except, the writers decide to make this the bitchiest conversation ever to put Brienne in her place.
YEAH TAKE THAT BRIENNE, CARING ABOUT ME AND MY CRAZY EVIL SISTER

(N.B. Some people are hypothesising that this is all part of Sansa's plan to get rid of the Arya threat; after Littlefinger's words, she knows she needs Brienne out of the way to do anything about her sister.  I call bullshit on this.  The hugely heavy-handed, clanging 'Jaime' name drop is the reason they want Brienne in King's Landing.  Maybe they added the Littlefinger stuff in to justify this but... Nahhh sorry mate I'm not having this.  Nor am I having that Arya has actually killed Littlefinger and is now wearing his face to 'test' Sansa.  Stop trying to make sense of what are just horribly written storylines)


Not to worry.  Only one Winterfell scene left.
OH NO WAIT IT'S THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING EVER

Sansa goes snooping around Arya's room to look for... Things.  She sees the dagger.  No surprises there.  Then, oop, something under the bed catches her eye.  Oh wow, it's a rather lovely brown leather messenger bag, wonder where she's picked that up because she didn't have it when she walked into Winterfell, did she?  I feel like I would've noticed such a beautifully crafted-- Oh, it's full of faces.  Oh, wonderful.

Literal.
Faces.

When she transformed into a huge elderly man?
Just a face mask thing.  Nothing else.

Nothing to change her height or the rest of her body.

LOOK AT HIS HANDS

WHAT

The writers' complete misinterpretation of the Faceless Men and their techniques aside, the rest of this scene is pretty nonsensical anyway.
Arya continues to threaten Sansa, this time saying she will peel her face off and wear it and enjoy wearing dresses and stuff.  She reiterates the fact that she always wished she could be a knight.  News to me, tbf.  She was a tomboy.  She didn't enjoy 'girly' things.  But, as I explained earlier, both Arya and Ned understood the Westerosi societal expectations they lived under.  They knew that this was never a possibility.  Arya never seemed mad about it to me, more jealous that Sansa was inherently good at everything she knew would never succeed it.
Apparently the patriarchal world that has disappeared over the past few episodes has returned with a vengeance and Arya's answer is to turn on her sister. #feminism

Shall we just go to Dragonstone?

"Do you know what I like about you?" Dany pondered, enjoying the opportunity to tell Tyrion how great he is yet again.  I don't even want to summarise this scene as its only purpose was to build tension between the Beyond The Wall shots and remind us that Tyrion is just the best.  Oh, also to remind the audience of these things:

• Dany can't have children and so will have no successor (a plan for which Tyrion probably should've talked through BEFORE pledging eternal allegiance to his queen)
• Dany has no say in any tactical decisions or anything a queen should be involved in deciding ('do we have a trap?' - MATE WHY DON'T YOU KNOW THIS)
• Dany fancies Jon  (OoooOOooOoOoOooohHh)

Later, presumably after receiving the fastest raven in existence, Dany is hopping on a dragon to save her man the world. But, oh no, a decision she's made on her own?  NOT ON TYRION'S WATCH.  He's worried she's putting herself in too much danger, even though she's wearing thick, protective armour --

I mean lol what

She goes anyway, though.  I'm sure Tyrion will not be proved right.
Everything's going to go great.

And now, the biggie.  Beyond the Wall (gasp!  The episode is called that!)

So, at the end of episode five, we saw the A-Team ready to go capture a White Walker:

Yep.



All seven of them.




Great team.

Good, lucky number.


Huh.  Look at that.

There's a few extra men.
I can't... I can't really see their faces.  They appear to be covered with scarves and/or hoods, which is incredibly sensible really.
It's very, very fucking cold, isn't it?
Even if it isn't snowing like it is in Winterfell.  Nor is the snow very thick here.  Nor can you see anyone's breath when they speak.  Nor does anyone lose any ears or noses to frostbite.
But bloody hell, it's cold. Apparently.

Sorry, back to the men.  I wonder what these extra, unnamed characters are doing here?
Okay, you know what I'm getting at.  Obviously, they're going to die.  Is no one else disappointed in Game of Thrones for this?  Yes, it's a classic TV/movie trope: the guys you've never seen before always die on Star Trek, never the leading men.  But this was the glory of Game of Thrones, wasn't it?  In the beginning?  You never knew who was going to die.
The fact the teased us with the shot of just the seven men going Beyond the Wall made us believe that their lives were truly at stake.  But, no.  The men we've never seen before (who are they - wildlings? Previously unseen Brotherhood Without Banners members?  Men of the Night's Watch?) are done for.  Our main guys are safe.  And that sucks.  What's a story with no element of danger for the characters you care about?  Where is the tension if you know the Good Guys ™ have extra men to act as buffers and save them from what should surely be the slight risk of death?

Whatever.  Team Good Guys ™ Count: 13 men (7 named A-Team characters + 6 hooded randoms)
(Although at one point at the beginning here there is definitely an overhead shot of ten men #editing)

No time to dwell on that any further, we have to waste time on several inane conversations:

• Gendry has never seen snow and I think Tormund threatens to rape him, also Tormund utters what we're all thinking: "smart people don't come up here looking for the dead".  Oh and Jon = Mance for not kneeling, if you hadn't already spotted that clunky comparison when Dany said the exact same thing to Jon about not kneeling that he said to Mance... For not kneeling.  Except the Mance thing wasn't about pride.  Jon's appears to be.  #comparisons
• Gendry feels abused by his treatment from Melisandre (and Stannis, also, Gendry, your uncle.  The only Baratheon you've ever met.  Still fancy representing this House?) but that's gay because it almost sounded like fun bondage to The Hound and the rest of us manly men so lol get over it and stop whinging.
• Jon decides now, in the middle of the freezing cold wasteland (that you can't see your breath in), is the time to talk to Jorah about the fact that he knew his dad.  Jon also goes against Jeor's wishes and gives the sword to Jorah, who refuses it (Jorah was a slaver and so banished and disowned by the Mormonts - he doesn't deserve this sword but, hey, that's Jon's choice to make) but tells Jon to give it to his kids (BUT WAIT DANY CAN'T HAVE-)
• The Hound teaches Tormund (who thinks Brienne is 'waiting' to 'make babies' with him - it's not cute, guys, this is obsession and it's clearly one-sided and it needs to stop) the word 'dick' and everyone laughs because penises.
• Beric (who has the most amazing voice, doesn't he? What a waste) gives a speech about life and death and resurrection and how they are there to fight and Jon repeats his Night's Watch vow (you know, the vow he continues to break?  Even though he's pretending he's not resurrected?  Ok buddy).  Oh, and Beric also thinks Jon doesn't look like Ned and loooool I have to just stop this annoying listing now to draw your attention to this sentence from Chapter 6 of A Game of Thrones:

Jon looks like a Stark.  There's all this bullshit, which is clearly off-book, and then there's this.  This isn't writers continuing the story they've been given, or even adapting it.  This is them changing previously known details because they think they're good at foreshadowing (psssst, writers, here's a secret: you're not).  This is such a lazy way to try and tell the audience Jon isn't a Stark.  He looks like them, even if he's only half of one.  It is known.

Me @ D&D

They see the mountain that the Hound had a vision of, which looks like all the other mountains (and also lol yes it's a literal mountain and not his brother, keep on trying to get #CleganeBowl hype).  Then, one of the hooded guys is out front scouting as they enter a sudden blizzard they can barely see into, nothing ominous there until OMG SUDDEN ZOMBIE POLAR BEAR

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 12 men (7 named A-Team characters + 5 hooded randoms)
RIP Hood #1

They get into a circle, back to back but OMG HE'S HERE AGAIN

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 11 men (7 named A-Team characters + 4 hooded randoms)
RIP Hood #2

Thoros and Beric get their firey blades ready but HOLY SHIT SOMEONE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS BEAR

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 10 men (7 named A-Team characters + 3 hooded randoms)
RIP Hood #3

They manage to set the bear on fire, which terrifies the Hound and makes him freeze (lel) on the spot but finally, now actual important people are at risk, people get their act together and Thoros saves his life.  Unfortunately, it turns out fire doesn't harm bears as quickly as it harms White Walkers and it takes forever to it feel the effects.  The bear has a LOT of time to attack Thoros before Jorah manages to step in and stab it.  I think this was dragonglass.  Was it?  No one's discussed it since the caves but I'm presuming they didn't go without it?  It was weird the bear didn't shatter into a thousand pieces though...
They leave the dead men (they wasted too much time chatting earlier and now have no time to burn bodies) and move on.

When we return, they've spotted some White Walkers and decide to set a trap, which, as far as I can tell, is just 'light a fire and hide'.  The White Walkers fall for it and, by the shallow river which is clearly flowing (see right), they are ambushed.
Jon kills the blue guy with his Valyrian steel sword (phew, thank God Jorah said no, am I right?) and he shatters, as do all the others, except for one we will call Convenient Leftover.

Convenient Leftover is bound but screams and summons the rest of the undead.  Jon immediately realises he's a fucking idiot and tells Gendry (the guy who's never seen snow before, let alone dealt with cold like this) to run back to the Wall and get a raven to Dany.  Like all of us at home, Gendry's response is just like 'pfft, what?' but he eventually agrees, even leaving his hand crafted war hammer behind with Tormund, so he is completely unarmed

... Gendry makes it to the Wall.  He runs through an entire night apparently.

"It’s a pretty tenuous chain of events that needs to go exactly right for this move to pay off: Jon and his men need to survive long enough for Gendry to get back to Eastwatch and send a raven to Dragonstone, and then for Dany to fly to the rescue and then find them. But it’s all very exciting, so we go with it." - Entertainment Weekly review 

'Tenuous'
'Pretty tenuous'

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 9 men (6 named A-Team characters + 3 hooded randoms)
Well done for getting out of here, Gendry.  I sense bad stuff is coming.

Well, what do you know?  I was right!  We get more running from the team, most of whom make it to a rock in the middle of the frozen lake (heyyyy, remember that trickling stream by the fire, just a quick run away? lol consistency).  The White Walkers follow, some of them tackling a Hooded Man to the ground but oh shit it's not ground it's ice!

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 8 men (6 named A-Team characters + 2 hooded randoms)
RIP Hood #4

Water stops the White Walkers in a lovely circle around our boys and pfft I mean really guys they're screwed, right?  They're obviously all going to die.

Then it's morning and they've all had a bit of a nap, except Thoros, who is having a long ole nap with his eyes open.

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 7 men (5 named A-Team characters + 2 hooded randoms)
Bye, Thoros.  You froze to death died from zombie polar bear wounds died for a cause.  Apparently.


The Hound drinks more of Thoros' Mary Poppins hip flask until Jon takes it off him, douses Thoros in it and Beric sets him alight, Sandor's back turned again.  Beric tells Jon they should kill the Night's King as, based on the logic that killing the blue man before shattered 90% of the other dead people present, he must have brought them ALL back from the dead.  His plan is never discussed again.

The Hound is bored so kicks Convenient Leftover and then starts throwing rocks.  One of the rocks hits the frozen lake and the White Walkers, who are super smart, start to walk forwards.

OMG FIGHTING YAAAS THESE SCENES ARE ALWAYS SO WELL CHOREOGRAPHED

Oh Hood #5, what are you doing babe

Anyway, it's epic woooo
The Hound starts smashing ice with the hammer, which makes perfect sense to me, but soon stops after doing one little spot because TENSION IS NEEDED SO MORE FIGHTING.

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 6 men (5 named A-Team characters + 1 hooded random)
You know what you did, Hood #5.

Tension, you say?  How does Tormund getting attacked by like 5 wights, two of which have popped up out of the water to help, sound?  Yeah it takes at least 30 seconds for the Hound to rescue him but he's fine, no harm done.  He got a few of those slower White Walkers.

Jon starts screaming, "FLAAAAHHHH BLAHHHHHH," which I think is "fall back" but everyone else must be as confused as me because they all look at him, bemused.  Eventually, they get the memo and everyone starts moving up the rock, Jon dragging Convenient Leftover with him.

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 5 men (5 named A-Team characters + 0 hooded randoms)
Oh, Hood #6, did you really think you were going to make it?

Things look super grim for our A Team and we even get some slo-mo dramatic tension, which is fun, before the LOUD EMOTIONAL DRAGON MUSIC kicks into high gear.

Drogon, being instructed by Dany, is obv aiming for the White Walkers but, luckily, so are the other two dragons.  Could've been awkward if they just set Jon ablaze.  I mean, I would've loved it but people would probably be upset.
Weirdly, none of the men have any reaction to the dragons, except to hurry and run onto Drogon's back with Convenient Leftover in tow, whilst Jon continues to fight the few stragglers heading his way, luckily one at a time (bit weird that we've had two different examples of how scared The Hound is of fire but no emotional turmoil shown from him in reaction to a firey dragon being his one chance at survival).

But, omg, the Night King has a spear.  He has a choice to make here: three dragons to hit and one spear.  One dragon is out of sight, presumably heading home, the other is flying through the air and the final one is stationary in the middle of a frozen lake, holding a load of humans, whom you clearly have some issues with and have been staring out for, what, an entire day?
OF COURSE
OF COURSE you hit the moving dragon.

Plot armour strikes again to save Dany and the A Team!

And, I mean you can just feel the emotion of Dany losing one of her children here:

Look how sad Jorah is </3

Dany tries to wait for Jon, but he realises that the Night's King is preparing a second spear and tells her to go, before falling through the ice under some White Walkers.  Drogon is much quicker than Other Dragon Whose Name Is Not Important and dodges the spear, saving our heroes and getting them back to the Wall safely.

Genuinely, did anyone think Jon would be dead?
What does that tell us about our story?  That our main characters are invincible?

He climbs out of the water, not followed by any of the many, many White Walkers that fell through the ice with him and who can clearly swim, as proven by the guys that tried to grab Tormund,
He pulls himself out using Longclaw, which luckily landed right by the hole he fell into, and stumbles back towards the rock.
The White Walkers click onto the fact that he's alive and start to head towards him but of course he's rescued.

This time, by Benjen, who puts him on a horse but doesn't get on because "there's no time".  He's left to fight the swarms of undead and sacrifices himself for his nephew.  Like he already did.  For Bran that time.

Another slo-mo moment shows Jon facing inevitable death for the second time in the show and it's all so redundant because HE'S ALREADY DONE THIS ONCE.

Back to Eastwatch and we see the Hound throwing Convenient Leftover into a row boat and saying goodbye to Beric and Tormund, because apparently they're taking the wight to King's Landing by boat, not by dragon.  Time is not an issue, as proven as Dany asking for more time atop the Wall, waiting for Jon's return.  She's still not particularly moved by the loss of her child, more scared that Jon will not come back to her.  Sure.
Then, just as she's about to leave, Jon comes back.  Then, a Targaryen boat is somewhere (????) and Jon is just waking up, stab wounds still clear on his chest.  Dany sees this and looks.... sigh, I don't even know any more, excited?

He starts to wake up, and we get a cool shot, looking through his eyes.  We look at the windows and then this comes into focus:













Why is Dany not looking into Jon's eyes?  Is she meant to be and they forgot they were doing this from Jon's POV?  Or is she meant to be 'lovingly' looking at his crotch?

Here, Emilia decides she will fully emotionally break down as Jon holds her hand and agrees to bend the knee.  Because the loss of her child does not evoke tears.  This does.

Finally, we go back Beyond the Wall and the White Walkers are all working together with huge chains they've found... somewhere?  They pull Unspecified Dragon Who Is Not Drogon out of the water and omgggg whattttt he's got blue eyes.

High Points:

• Some of the aerial shots were cool I guess
•  
• 
  

Low Points:

• Dany's reaction to Unspecified Dragon dying
• T I M E
• Arya and Sansa

Summative Comment:

Follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness @noneedtomoan.  I've been a bit rubbish lately but am determined to keep on tweeting out the hate.  It's pretty cathartic.

And, if you would like to hear a more balanced recap of the episodes or just hear me argue with my friends, who like Game of Thrones, just a reminder to go and listen to our new podcast, She, Herself and Guy.  Our recap on will be out by Friday night.

I don't know how I'm going to get through next week.

Season Seven, Episode Five - Eastwatch

Hi there all.  Here we are again.  My recaps and reviews for the rest of season seven are here: E1, E2 , E3 and E4 and the podcast I make with my two friends that is currently covering Game of Thrones is here.

But, hey.  More importantly, it's that time again.

Mood.  Always.

Sigh.
I've officially given up.  I'm no longer setting my alarm and getting up at 01:45 to make sure I catch the new episode.  I get up, like normal, and half-watch the episode whilst getting ready.
This may not seem like a big deal to you but, honestly, as someone who has been obsessed with A Song of Ice and Fire for years now, it hurts a little to completely abandon any hope I once had for this TV show to do the books justice.
Well, no.  That's not true.  I lost hope in that a while ago.
Since season five, my only wish has been for the show to be good.  To entertain me.  For the writing to be crafted and thought-through.  For it to be logical.  Tolerable.

"There are a few provisos and a couple of quid pro quos... 

Tyrion will be great, always, time and distance mean nothing now and Dorne? Hahahahahaa

... The more episodes we get, the more I realise this wish is never going to be granted.

Anyway, not to worry.  I'll just find some GIFs to try and keep me calm and cry myself to sleep at night.  What a plan.

Okay then.  Episode Five.  Strap yourselves in; this got weird.

We start back in... The Reach.
You know me, right?  I'm not one to nitpick.  However, let's pretend for one moment that I believe a few things: that the water Bronn pushed Jaime into was actually that deep, despite it being shallow enough for him to ride his horse through mere moments ago, that Jaime's heavy armour didn't weigh him down and make him impossible to pull very far at all and also that Jaime has a hand literally made out of gold...
How did Bronn and Jaime both hold their breaths for this long?  Because, let's be honest, they've made it a fair old way downstream before we see them taking what is presumably their first deep breath after struggling underwater all this time.  It was a huge, gasping breath and Jaime actually throws up some water, so one has to assume that this is them only just resurfacing.  This added to the fact that Dany and her people haven't caught them, implying they must have got pretty far away, is just insanity.
So, according to season seven, when in battle, the best thing to do is just jump into the nearest body of water.  Your enemies will just assume you're dead apparently and not even try to retrieve you.  First Theon, now Jaime and Bronn.

Anyway, they get out of the water and Jaime tells Bronn that they need to be concerned about the dragons.  Bronn is all, "nuh uh, dragons were not part of our deal," which I totally buy as something a sellsword who's changed sides depending on who's paying.  I don't buy it for the hero who ran through fire to get to a crossbow to save a family name he has no connection to and who jumped into a pool of water of unspecified depth to save a man he just lost all his gold for.
I don't get Bronn any more.  Is he in love with Jaime?  I mean, it'd explain a lot.

Presumably just around the corner, Dany and the Dothraki are rounding up the survivors from the battle (not Jaime Lannister though, he's probably dead don't worry about him) to threaten them with death whilst lecturing them about how their current queen will start wars and murder the innocent and also did you know both pots and kettles are black?

VERY WELL.  GIVE THEM CAKE.

I mean, if that wasn't motivation enough, Dany offers them "a choice" (according to Benioff and Weiss in the Inside the Episode): bend the knee or die.  I can't even get into how this is not a choice.  Anything 'or death' is not a choice.
But, more importantly, are we supposed to like Dany here?  Or, like Tyrion, be concerned for her?  Is this use of 'Dracarys' scary and ominous but her other times we're meant to be screaming 'YAAAAS QWEEEN'?  Help am confused.

Anyway, not so surprisingly, most of the soldiers choose life and bend the knee to Dany rather than facing painful death by being burned alive.  However, tough men Tarly Boiz remain standing because... Well honestly no one knows.
Tarly is stubborn, sure, but he did just recently abandon the Tarlys' age hold allegiance with the Tyrells to side with the Lannisters but that new loyalty apparently runs real deep.  He goes all Brexit again and tells Dany he can't bend the knee to her because she's not from round these parts, basically.
She wasn't "born in Westeros" (*cough* we were literally told last week that she was born at Dragonstone *cough*) so how can he trust her?
Then Dickon gets awkward and is like, but he stood up so now I kind of have to stay stood up...  His dad tells him to kneel but he refuses and, yeah, Dany kills them.  (I guess we'll never know how he felt about Sam stealing the ancestral sword, huh?  Another random story popped in there for no reason.)
Tyrion is obviously seriously peturbed by all of this burning malarkey and wants her to offer the Night's Watch or any other type alternative because his moral compass always points due North -

#neverforget

Right, in all seriousness, the writers' aim on this show has always been to show Tyrion in a favourable light, and that's fine; he's obviously their favourite character, they're perfectly entitled to change the show to fit around him BUT they do seem to be obsessed with making every storyline revolve around him.  This is Dany's plotline, right?  HER fight to become Queen of the Seven Kingdoms?  Then why, in every important scene we've had of her, is Tyrion the focus?
When we first get a proper scene of Dany at Dragonstone, we get Tyrion and Varys explaining to her that she was born in a storm.  When it comes time for her to reveal her big plans for attack, it turns out Tyrion has made all the decisions and it's him explaining the tactics at every given opportunity (including a hugely unnecessary voiceover describing the entire battle).  When she was about to die at the hands of Jaime, we get an emotional close up of Tyrion, calling him an idiot.  When she's making stupid violent powerful political decisions in The Reach, we get close ups of Tyrion's moral struggle to accept her choice.  Not to mention all the times she's looked to Tyrion for permission before making big decisions.

I'm honestly bored of the Tyrion Too Pure For This World But Also Very Smart And Great At Plans act now and I'd just like to see the main characters of each plotline be back in charge of their own stories.  Please.

Sorry.  Back to the episode.  Dany leaves Tyrion to probably just walk back or maybe just ride in the lap of Dothraki (I'm imagining there's no blacksmith at Dragonstone to make his special equipment to help him ride a horse?) and flies Drogon back home.  She bumps into Jon and OMG HE TOUCHES HIS FACE WHAAAAAT
We get an amazing, emotion-filled close up of Dany as she realises her beau, her betrothed, her lover, her nephew Jon is super into dragons too:

Tbh I've just been waiting to be able to use this GIF <3

On a serious note, dear show watchers - do you know what significance this has?  Do you know who Jon is?  Or why that's important?  I'm not trying to be patronising, I swear; I am genuinely intrigued if this has been conveyed effectively.  I can't help but feel that this has been hugely underexplained.  It's this HUGE spoiler and yet, since they showed some baby's face fading into Jon's, nothing's been said about it.  Lots of clunky references to him not being a Stark and actually being a Targaryen but the relationship just ignored and confusing.
Sigh.  All the backstory we get that is so unnecessary and yet this is just avoided.

Speaking of unnecessary, remember when Jorah got greyscale?
Was there a point to that?  What was gained?  What did this do to the plot of the show?  Was there anything that happened because of this storyline or was it just another pointless addition?  Sam could have done a multitude of things to get himself in trouble.  Jorah could've been sent off on some other stupid meaningless task.
Gah.  I mean, he didn't even find a cure; he happened upon an acolyte willing to risk his place at the Citadel to peel the bad stuff off (because greyscale is cured by just taking off the top layer of skin).

Anyway, Jorah is back now.
The Dothraki escort him in.  Because the Dothraki are back.  An entire hoarde has managed to march from the Reach and sail across to Dragonstone in the same amount of time it's taken Dany to ride Drogon there.  Uh huh.  Seems legit.

But yeah lol he's still friendzoned because that's the most important facet of their relationship.

Omg I haven't even done Winterfell yet and I'm already so mad.
So, by the weirwood tree, Bran is using a flock of ravens (why so many, Bran?  Just use one three eyed one bbz) to have a nosey beyond the Wall (remember there?  There's a shit tonne of White Walkers walking in slow motion towards Westeros over there).  Anyway, it turns out that there's a shit tonne of White Walkers walking towards Westeros over there and we're all like

And Bran decides it's time to send some ravens.  So he just wargs into some ravens again and sends them to the various locations he needs the news to travel tells his maester to write out the messages.

Cut back to Dragonstone, where Tyrion and Varys are discussing how Dany would be an amazing queen if she just stopped making decisions and let them control every aspect of her rule. #feminism
Anyway, the maester's super time travelling raven has reached already and Varys tells Tyrion he hasn't read it because it's just for the eyes of Jon but it says about the White Walkers if you must know.  Hahhahaahahahahahah he said he didn't read it but he did #comedy
They hand this over to Jon, who discusses it with Dany and wants to go fight.  She won't give him permission to leave so there may be some conflict here--

Oh no, it's okay Tyrion has a plan.  Again.  Rehash what has already been done with Alliser Thorne and the wight's hand Go and capture one White Walker and bring it back 'alive' to show to Cersei.  Then, they can all band together and fight the common enemy.
Wow, Tyrion is bad at plans.

Of course we're back in King's Landing again because it's been far too long since we saw Cersei.  She won't believe that they're losing, nor will she take an elderly woman's deathbed confession to her son's murder.  Fair.

King's Landing got me like

Anyway, because what even is logic anymore, Davos and Tyrion are landing outside the Red Keep.  In broad daylight.  Davos tells him not to worry about being spotted; the Gold Cloaks don't come down here anymore because there's too many steps... K.

They split up, with Tyrion going to the skull room to meet with Jaime.  Bronn has apparently set this up, convincing Jaime that he's actually just going training.

Okay.  What?
How much time has passed between Tyrion coming up with this plan and him managing to co-ordinate this with Bronn?  HOW did he organise this with Bronn?  Secret mobile phones?  Landlines?  Fax machines?  Pagers?  How would he get a raven directly to a sellsword who hangs out with Jaime without it going through Qyburn?  WHAT THE FUCK?

Regardless of the implausibility of this entire scene, Jaime is obviously upset with Tyrion and has no time for his 'wah, wah, my dad hated me' thing.  Neither do I, Jaime.  I hear you.
WHAT WAS THE POINT IN THIS SCENE?

Jaime goes to tell Cersei everything that happened right away because they're so in love and tell each other everything.  But she already knew!  How, you ask?  Pregnancy telepathy!  Yep.  She's pregnant.  He's the father and that's what she's going to tell everyone: that she's pregnant with the bastard child of her own brother.

I obviously have a lot of questions but I can't tell if I even care anymore.

... Yep.  I do.
What happened to her belief in the prophecy?  I know they broke it for her black haired Baratheon babe but is this it being broken again?  Does she even care about it anymore?  Is the valonqar even a thing in the show?  Are they trying to seed some sort of conflict between the two of them?  By having them embrace in the knowledge that they're going to be parents again?  What's her plan with Euron?  Is he supposed to just be okay with this?

Meanwhile, over in Fleabottom, we get a ridiculous amount of fan service that is so disappointing I can't even fathom it.  Yep.  It's the moment we've all known has been coming all season.  Gendry's back.  He's working as a blacksmith for the Lannister army.

UGHHH
No.  What?  This was the best place for him?!
No...  Probs not mate.  He's been handcrafting a war hammer, with the Baratheon stag on it, whilst working for the Lannisters.  And he hasn't got caught.
Okay.  Well, to reiterate: no...
But, even if he had managed to go without being caught for this long, what's with the sudden Baratheon obsession?  He didn't know his dad.  He had no relationship with him.  His association with the Baratheon name has brought him nothing but horrific events.  Why would he have a connection with him?  Why would he model himself after the dad he never knew?

We don't get the answers to any of these questions because there is apparently no time - after Davos makes a quick, 'ooh thought you'd still be rowing' *wink wink* (ARRGGGHH OMG I HATE THIS SHOW) joke to the audience, it's time they were getting back to the boat.  Back on the beach, Davos bribes some Gold Cloaks with a ridiculous amount of gold dragons and then shows that they're innocent because they have fermented crab.

Remember disguises?

That all worked really well until the guards see Tyrion just wandering out from the steps they never venture down because apparently Tyrion can't hide or wear a hood anymore or anything.   He's literally the most wanted man in Westeros but who cares about hiding anymore, right?
Gendry bashes their skulls in with the hammer and we all scream YAAAAAAS GENDRY GET IT or maybe just shake our heads in despair.

Then they're back in Dragonstone and Davos tells Gendry to keep quiet about who he is but SURPRISE HE TELLS JON SO THEY CAN BE BEST FRIENDS

I understand what they're going for here and, despite myself, I do feel some things because all I want is Ned and Robert and season one back.

These feelings swiftly disappear when they make clunky references to the scene pictured to the left.  I just wish the writers would let us make links ourselves and not have to spell everything out for us.  It's painful.  Sigh.  By the time all of these horrifically heavy-handed throwbacks are done, Gendry has agreed to go Beyond the Wall with Jon and Jorah.


There's a fun awkward goodbye, when Jorah proves he definitely doesn't have greyscale by snogging Dany's hand (this is genuinely the FOURTH time they've said goodbye), and then they really, really try and ramp up the sexual tension between Jon and Dany but it's all just forced and... meh.  I don't feel it.  Beyond disappointing.

Sam overhears the maesters reading Bran's letter in The Citadel and decides to weigh in because of course Sam can talk to his superiors like this.  He tries to persuade them to take the threat seriously but they're having none of it.  Cut to: wherever Sam and Gilly live and Gilly is reading random facts to him to try and cheer him up (more steps talk?) and she just happens to drop a bombshell.

Let me get this straight:  an annulment was issued to Prince Rhaegar Targaryen so he could get married him to somebody else.  An annulment.  After they've been married for years.  And have legitimate heirs to the throne (so, you know, it's been consummated).  This is not how annulments work.  In any world.
Again -- show watchers, is this not the most boring bit of backstory ever?  Why would you care?  DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO RHAEGAR IS?
I know I was moaning about them not seeding Jon's backstory but do they think this helps?  Who would catch this except bookreaders?  This is ridiculous.

In case you are confused:
Gendry could claim he is the rightful heir to the throne as he is the last surviving son of King Robert Baratheon, who usurped the throne from Aerys Targaryen.
Dany could claim she's the rightful heir to the throne as she is the last surviving daughter of the Mad King Aerys Targaryen.
Jon could claim he is the rightful heir to the throne as he is the last surving son of Prince Rhaegar Targaryen (boys > girls in the futile system).

And now, omg, they're all in the same place omgggg what such writing many skills very coincedence

Whatever, Sam ignores this and goes and steals a few scrolls/books that he suddenly knows are the important ones.  He takes these, along with Baby Sam That Is Still Inexplicably A Baby and Gilly and legs it.  We're not sure where to.  Or why.  But off he pops.

Ugh, back in Winterfell, Sansa is having the Northern Lords complain to her about the lack of Jon.  Why?  You knew where he was going, promised to remain loyal...  As much as I hate Show Sansa atm, she did handle this in the right way.  She wasn't overly supportive of him, no, but she did her job of leading Winterfell and keeping the peace.  And then, just as I was complimenting Sansa, she winds me right up by saying that they can't sit and wait for Jon forever.  Like Ghost.  Oh Sansa.  Oh, don't even.
Why are the writers going so weird and meta this season?  Is it explicitly to upset me?  I feel more and more personally victimised with every episode.

Arya be like

Arya, meanwhile, is weird and creepy and staring at Sansa and decides that they should just behead everyone -- what?  Does this make sense?  At all?
Anyway, she sneakily sneaks to follow sneaky Littlefinger and sneakily sees that he's being sneaky.  He, however, out-sneaks her and plants a letter that Sansa wrote whilst being held hostage by Cersei.  Very sneaky Littlefinger, well done on the sneaks.  You were much sneakier than sneaky Arya who literally just stood out in the open, staring at you and hoping you wouldn't turn around.
Gah, just kill him already.  This is worse than Olly.

I was about to say thank God it's nearly over but bleurgh we have to go to Eastwatch first.
Jon, Jorah and Gendry go meet up with Tormund, who is confused about which queen they support now and why Jon keeps putting all the expendable wildlings in harm's way.  Then, they go down to the cells and they're storing some more fan service in there: The Hound, Beric and Thoros.  Gendry helpfully reminds the audience that he hates the Brotherhood because they sold him to Mel.  They all put their pasts aside, though, and walk out into the snow as one big happy family.

Show fans after today's episode

And, just like that, it's over.
Anyone else feel like SO MUCH is happening and yet nothing is really happening at all?


High Points:

• Erm
• Maybe
• The bit where I pretended it was Season One?
• Lena Headey just constantly smashing everything

Low Points:

• Lack of thorough explanation of R+L=J
• Random unnecessary storylines: Jorah's greyscale, Heartsbane being stolen, Cersei's prophecy
• Meta moments: Davos' rowing comment, Sansa's mention of Ghost
• The fact it's now The Tyrion Show ft. Dragons

Summative Comment:

Follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness @noneedtomoan

And, if you would like to hear a more balanced recap of the episodes or just hear me argue with my friends, who like Game of Thrones, just a reminder to go and listen to our new podcast, She, Herself and Guy.  Our recap on will be out by Friday night.

Stay strong, guys.  We can do this.