Season Six, Episode Six

A quick explanation if you're new here:
First of all, hi!  Thanks for joining us.  I'm Unnecessary Moaner and I love to rant about things in an insanely intense way (see: my open letter to TheLadBible about their poor grammar skills).  Atm, I'm focusing of the HBO series 'Game of Thrones' and I post a weekly review of the newest episode.

#life

Now, full disclosure: I am a book reader (I explain more about that here and here) but that is not the reason why I dislike the latest seasons of the show.
I attempted to rewatch all of season five and review every episode before season six started.  Admittedly, that didn't work out too well but I have been reviewing every season six episode as it comes out (I'm also live tweeting each episode and am regularly moaning on Twitter - @noneedtomoan) and, let's just say I'm not impressed.
Go catch up on my reviews of previous episodes if you haven't already (E1, E2, E3, E4 & E5) and prepare yourselves for some brutal honesty.

If you're not new, welcome back!  Thanks for sticking with me.
It means a lot to know that I'm not talking to myself.

Right.  Let's delve into this mess, shall we?
Before we start, remember that we left Episode Five with Hodor holding the door against those quick-moving and super strong and HUNDREDS of Others White Walkers and with us all wondering how far Meera could drag Bran away before the zombies wights ate killed Hodor and caught up with them.  Well, it turns out, DEAD FAR because, in Episode Six, Meera is still dragging Bran and has got a huge head start.  The White Walkers are miles away. 

Let's discuss this for a second. 
Hodor is holding the door (actually, this is Bran FORCING Hodor to do this and killing him by doing so but I digress).  He's holding off the horde of White Walkers.  However, Meera had only managed to get about five footsteps away from the door by the time the White Walkers had caught up and started ripping Hodor to pieces.  This means that Hodor was already dying before Meera's made a clean getaway.   
So how long did Hodor hold the door?  Was his dead body just propping up the door? 
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

Sigh.  Too much. 
Anyway, when Meera eventually begins to flag (she should enter Westeros' Strongest Woman), we get to see Bran, who is still having visions.  These visions seem to be the whole history of Westeros, including Aerys' death and, fleetingly, a woman in bed covered in blood. 
In shocking news, putting aside the logic of this, I did actually enjoy it -- seeing Aerys was a particular treat.  However, the joy was obviously short lived, as Bran woke up soon after and told Meera (whilst smiling?) that the Others had found them. 
Fear not, though, for a mysterious man on a horse arrives and kills the ten Others who had caught up.  He then drags Bran and Meera onto his horse and then hurries out of there before the rest of the White Walkers (who are all inexplicably slower than the first wave of attacking Others because TENSION) arrive.

Honestly, I was pretty excited by the arrival of Coldhands.  My cold, dead, A Song of Ice and Fire loving heart grew three sizes just knowing that he was included.
Even I knew that this joy wouldn't last long.

It didn't.  We hopped over to Sam and Gilly, the only people in Westeros who are not in possession of a teleportation device (their journey is taking FOREVER).  They've somehow only just made it to Horn Hill, which is blatantly a huge palace rather than a castle but w/e.

#foreshadowing, Game of Thrones style

As they're pulling up to the mansion, Sam has a long conversation with Gilly, reminding her that she has to pretend Baby Sam (still, inexplicably, a fucking BABY) is Sam's son.  He's also like, "Hey, remember that my dad doesn't like wildlings, okay?  Don't tell him, yeah?"
He then turns to the camera and shouts, 'HEY MY DAD'S TOTALLY GOING TO FIND OUT GILLY'S A WILDLING, AMIRIGHT GUYS?' 
Before we meet Randyll, though, Gilly, Sam and MANALIVEHOWISHESTILLABABY? Sam meet Sam's mother and sister who are super excited to meet Sam's bastard son and the peasant woman he broke his sacred vows for because LOGIC.  They are SO nice, it's almost as if they're purposefully being made out to be sweet little cinnamon rolls to juxtapose against someone else who's going to be mean or something...?  Weird.

Then there's a really sudden cut to Kings' Landing and Tommen and the High Sparrow, which is quite offputting tbh but I am so happy to be away from Sam and Gilly, I'll take it.  They have a bit of a chat and the High Sparrow then allows Tommen to visit Margaery. 

#slyMargissly

She tells him how bad a person she is and how, even when she was doing good things, it was only to be seen being good and to get people to love her.  Now, none of this is news to us -- it's been made clear in the show that Marg is a sly bitch.
It is, however, news to Tommen, who repeatedly tells her that she's a nice person.  Margaery says lots of weirdly ominous religious statements and the audience is prepared for some shit to go down.
NO TIME FOR THIS RIGHT NOW THOUGH
We get another seriously sudden jump back to Sam and Gilly, who are obviously very very important (...?)
Gilly has been bathed so that she doesn't look quite so much like a wildling anymore and then we get a seriously awkward family dinner because we haven't had one since Ramsay and Sansa in Season Five and we love seeing stuff we've already seen.

Credit where credit's due, casting for Randyll Tarly is sheer PERFECTION.  He is awful. 

<3

He is horrifically mean and exactly how I imagined.  Whilst he's being super horrible to Sam, calling him fat and a wimp and a failure and everything, for some reason, Gilly 'Miss. Sass' Wildling decides to stand up for Sam.  She tells everyone how brave Sam has been in the past, including killing a White Walker.  This is scoffed at because no one believes in them and Gilly is defiant in her response: he killed one "on our way down to Castle Black".

Ffs, Gilly.

Randyll, being the observant guy that he is, notices this heavy handed 'hint' that Gilly maybe wasn't from around these parts and proceeds to SLAM into Gilly and Sam.  He points out Heartsbane, the family sword that Sam will never get because he will never deserve it, on the wall (#foreshadowing).  The women on the table take Gilly away (#feminism). 
Sam is left being berated by his dad until he finally finishes his ranting and tells Sam that he'll allow 'the wildling girl' to work in the kitchens and raise baby Sam as a Tarly but Big Sam will never be allowed to return to Horn Hill again.  Now, is it just me that thinks this is a GREAT deal from Randyll?  Allowing the bastard baby to be raised in a noble family?  Letting the WILDLING woman stay South of the Wall, with a job and a roof over her head?  #niceguyRandyll
Sam says goodbye to Gilly and walks out and we all wonder if Baby Sam will be a toddler by the time Sam has qualified as a maester until Sam decides to walk back into Gilly's room for REASONS.  He's like, "meh, FUCK IT, let's just run away together."

Oh, and he steals Heartsbane.

Why?  Why Sam?  WHY?
You hate your father and everything he stands for.  You will never be the person he wants you to be -- the person who deserves this sword.  Why would you take this symbol for the family name that you left behind when you took your vows?  Also, why do you need it?  You're running away... Where?  To the Citadel?  When Gilly can't stay there?  Back to the Wall?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING AND WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NEED THE SWORD?

Ugh.
Time for some comic relief - let's watch Arya watch some actors portray Joffrey's death.  At first, she's laughing at Joffrey's slow and painful choking but then she sees the actress playing Cersei and... feels... sorry for her?  No, that can't be right.
Arya hates Cersei.  She's on her kill list.  This actress is her mission.  There's no way that she feels sympathy for her or the actress.  To prove this, she goes backstage and puts the poison in the actress' rum.  But, because coincidence, Lady Crane spots Arya in tonight's episode, unlike last week, when she stood two steps away from her, staring deeply at her, unnoticed.  Lady Crane has a little chat with Arya, who encourages her to rewrite the play because, "it'll just be farting, belching and slapping without you" and the show writers go beyond purposeful irony and pass through the other side, to ignorant stupidity.  Book fans have been screaming this at George RR Martin since Season Four.
Anyway, long story short, Arya pushes the glass out of Lady Crane's hand because she's decided that the actress who plays Cersei is so good she can be forgiven for what she's doing she shouldn't die.

#accidentalirony

Arya pins the attempted murder on the actress playing Sansa and hightails it out of there to retrieve Needle.  The waif spots her, tells Jaqen (who is literally PEELING OFF a man's face) what's happened and is rewarded by being allowed to kill Arya, but she's not allowed to let her suffer.

 Again, please note how much Richard E. Grant has been WASTED.

Back to King's Landing and the plan that was never doomed to failure at all: the Tyrells and Lannisters vs. the Faith Militant.  Mace, looking awesome in his hat, is leading the 'second largest army in Westeros' to save his daughter from her walk of shame.  Jaime is also there, as is Olenna for some reason.  At this point, I realised that Margaery's hair hadn't been shaved and so knew that she wasn't doing her walk at all.  However, Mace and Jaime are not this observant and start shouting at the High Sparrow that they want Margaery and Loras freed... but mainly Marg if we're honest because Loras is nowhere to be seen and no one mentions him again.
Then, the High Sparrow plays his trump card: Tommen is on HIS side! (What the whaaaaaaat?!)

Me every week, watching Game of Thrones.

Tommen has agreed to a Holy Alliance between the Faith and the Crown and I am officially confused -- is this not what Cersei was trying to do?
Then, after what I imagine was a very awkward exit of the armies, we see Tommen sending Jaime away a la Barristan (because why bother coming up with new storylines?)  He apparently is no longer fit to be the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, at least "not in this city".

Ooh, did someone insinuate about the Riverlands?  #smoothsegues
WALDER FREY LIVES!
He's still old and gross and married to a young girl and screaming at some other Freys (his sons?) that he can't believe they lost Riverrun to the Blackfish (tbf, I can't either).  The FreyBoys explain that they don't have enough men to get it back.

Maybe the point was just Edmure having a great time?

I obviously begin to scream 'WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THE RED WEDDING THEN?' at the TV.

Obviously, they don't bother explaining this.  Instead, they wheel out Edmure, who's been in the Frey dungeons since his wedding!  How could they let the Blackfish take Riverrun when they had a Tully hostage, you ask?  REASONS.

I've no idea how show fans felt during all this; I'm 90% sure they don't know who any of these people are.

Not to worry, we're back to important people now: Jaime and Cersei. 

My brain hurts.

Jaime is openly screaming about 'our son', which is no probs because why would it be?  He's fuming about being sent away to fight the Blackfish (#smoothsegues) but Cersei assures him that he needs to take his place, leading the army (even though he's officially not in the Kingsguard anymore but what even is logic?)

He doesn't want to go though because he needs to be there for Cersei's trial, which is still a thing apparently.  She reminds him that she has Ser Robert Strong The Mountain and then they passionately embrace because of course they are still in love. 
"We are the only two people in the world" because who cares about their son? 
Not Jaime, who was shouting about his son a minute ago.  Certainly not Cersei, who was mega paranoid about Maggy the witch's prophecy about her children dying in Season Five (and still in Episode One of Season Six...) because #continuity.  I can't... I can't even try to apply logic to any of this scene.

Speaking of illogical storylines, Bran and Meera are talking to Coldhands, who explains that 'the three-eyed raven sent for me'.  Then, he uses his not-black hands to pull down his hood to reveal...

FYI, GRRM has confirmed that Coldhands is NOT Benjen ^^

 

HE'S ONLY BLOODY BENJEN, ISN'T HE?
Sigh.
There's then some nonsense explanation about how he's kind of a White Walker but not really: he was stabbed in the gut by one but then the Children of the Forest stabbed him with the dragon glass and now he's all better!  Well, undead, but BETTER.
He also spouts some nonsense about him being in touch with the three eyed raven and now Bran is the 'new' three eyed raven and he will be there to defeat the Night's King.
Bran insists he isn't ready (he's seen some visions of the history of Westeros, inexplicably immediately after warging into and murdering Hodor) but BenjenHands is not fazed by this.
He may not be fazed but I want to die.  I hate all of it.

Let's move on to Dany for some super excitement.

She's talking to Daario about her plans.  She needs ships because the Dothraki aren't definitely scared of water.  Anyway, Daario explains that no one has that big of a fleet.  And Dany replies...  

"YET"

#foreshadowing

Christ.
There's little time to contemplate any of this, though, because Dany has noticed sand swirling in the wind and must investigate. Alone.
[NB: This is said in Dothraki, and Daario blatantly understands it because #logic]

Of course, convenient Drogon is convenient and he pops by to pick Dany up... Oh, wait, she's already riding him. She must have mounted him mid-air. Shame we didn't get to see that. I bet it was well impressive.  She lands and proceeds to give ANOTHER motivational speech. Seriously, Dany, just start doing stuff, will you? 

#coolspeechbro

Unfortunately, Dany has been to the LeBouf School of Motivation and so just proceeds to

SHOUT

INDIVIDUAL

WORDS

in the hope it'll really move everyone to want to follow her to the ends of the world.


And, obviously, it works! The khalasar all start cheering and going mental and Daario's smiling because he understands Dothraki now.

And, suddenly, it's all over.
It's impressive, how they can write about nothing happening and yet still ruin everything.
Truly skillful.


High Points
Randyll Tarly
The unintentional irony of the poor quality of the play

Low Points
Benjen being Coldhands and people thinking something has been #confirmed
Samwell Tarly
The general banality of the entire episode

5 marks for Randyll Tarly
-2 for ignoring GRRM's clear instructions about Coldhands
-1 for Sam taking Heartsbane
-1 for Dany's boring scene being the finale

1/10
(basically all for Randyll)

Can you believe we're over half way through?
NOTHING'S HAPPENED!

Only four more episodes to go.
Go follow me on Twitter for regular ranting.

If not, I'll see you next Monday!

Season Six, Episode Five

Hang on to your hats.  This is a biggie.

#characterprogression #callbacks

We start with Sansa who, whilst sewing, receives a letter.  How this letter has come to be delivered directly to her (the wax seal is not broken) is a mystery; she has no power at The Wall.  I know there isn't a Lord Commander atm, but why is this scroll being handed directly to her? #logic

Anyway, she goes to Molestown to meet Littlefinger, who is officially back in control of his teleporter, thank God.  How can the writers be expected to force storylines without the ability to send Littlefinger anywhere, anytime?

Anyway, this scene is basically Sansa saying what we were all screaming on a weekly basis last season: in what universe was it a good idea to make her marry Ramsay?  We don't get an answer though, just some awkward af dialogue.  Before he leaves, he manages to heavy-handedly crowbar in a few plot points - like the Vale knights being at Moat Caitlin for some reason (their jet packs must be more powerful than Littlefinger's) and the fact that Blackfish has only just taken Riverrun.

Enough actual plot!  We need to see Arya being whacked with the sticks again.  She's beaten by the waif AGAIN until holy shit Arya's an acrobat/wrestler/breakdancer now and so she's rewarded fo this move by being allowed back into the face room and being given an actual mission.
Whilst watching the play, I couldn't help but feel like the writing was about as accurate about the events in King's Landing as D&D's version of ASOIAF.  And then, because we weren't heart broken enough, they drop in a fucking Winds of Winter reference.
They follow this up with a full frontal shot of penis.  Penis and boobs.
Sigh.
Arya is obviously staring directly at her intended target and not being spotted...  She goes to see Jaqen (WHO IS STILL WEARING THE SAME FACE FOR NO REASON), makes it clear that this target doesn't seem to deserve death and he just tells her she's on her last chance.

NB: This entire scene was a chronic waste of Richard E. Grant.

Then, Bran is in another vision and gets to see the Children of the Forest (who are all women...? #feminism) creating the Others by killing a man with dragonglass.  I assume that's the Night's King... Interesting.  No strong feelings about this bit yet.  Soon.

Oh, dear. Pyke.  The Kingsmoot. NO.

Okay.  Let's have a crack at it.
So, to clarify, according to the show, we're having this Kingsmoot because 'it's the law'.  Nothing to do with different people vying for the throne.  No mention of heirs or lack of them.  It's just, you know, the thing they do.  Just wanted to clarify that.

Yara is apparently the only person to put herself forward for the throne because there must be no other families in the Iron Islands (is this feeling a little too much like a repeat of Dorne to anyone else?)   Someone starts shouting for Theon (it's not important who - who cares about Iron born families?  There aren't even any!  SHUT UP) as he's Balon's heir and this... This I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.

The Kingsmoot is 'the law' - this means that heirs are null and void.  How can Theon now be considered an heir when he wasn't before?  Someone's said something about it being because he doesn't have a penis?  But now the Iron born still see him as an heir?
You can't have it both ways: Theon either is or isn't an heir and the Kingsmoot either is or isn't the standard law.

Anyway, Theon, after inhaling a bunch of helium, does a little speech about how he can't sit on the Seastone Chair Salt Throne (vom) and how great Yara would be and all seems to be looking up for the plucky duo when SUDDEN EURON.
Everyone's surprised (apparently Euron is sick at Pyke Hide and Seek), well, everyone except Yara, who inexplicably guesses that Balon was murdered and that rope bridge wasn't just dangerous as all holy fuck.

It wouldn't be my first choice for an evening stroll.

Euron, being the crazy character that he is, admits to kinslaying (why not?) and gets elected king by shouting some stuff about fleets (which will take AGES) and going to get Dany and having a huge cock and more HILARIOUS, classic iron born stuff.  Then, even though he's previously declared that he is not religious (in fact, he thinks he IS the Drowned God. And the Storm.  And everything else), and despite it not being part of the Kingsmoot ritual in any way, shape or form, and, although Aeron hates Euron and would never endorse him as King of the Iron Islands, Aeron Damphair drowns him anyway.  #logic
His body is then dragged ashore and just watched.  I mean, it's not like resuscitation has any part in this ritual.  Gods, no.  It actually turns out that Euron was right and he IS the Drowned God because he totally survives this drowning without any help from anyone and therefore must be immortal.  Good to know.
He gets a rubbish driftwood crown and then is all like OH SHIT WHERE ARE MY NIECE AND NEPHEW because immortal god or not, you don't restrain your rebellious relatives when you're about to drowned in order to get the crown.  He notices they've taken all the boats (it's not really explained WHO is helping them because there certainly were not enough people, even if everyone from the Kingsmoot helped, and they didn't because they voted for Euron) Then he's just like, meh, let's build new boats and then we can totes murder them.

Obviously D&D are in no rush to get back to the Iron Islands now the only characters they care about are gone and we'll presumably see Euron in a few seasons when his character is reintroduced just to be killed off.  It's the Iron Born way.  #whatisdeadmayneverdie #carefulnow #thisishowDornebegan

Then it's off to Vaes Dothrak.
Is it just me that would love to see the aftermath of last week?

- How long is appropriate to stand naked in front of a bowing crowd?
- At what point do you ask someone to lend you a coat?
- Was there some sort of rousing speech?  What was said?  What language was it said in?  How did they all react?
- Did Dany address the fact that she used dark magic?  How did she the witch-hating Dothraki that that was okay?
- Did she apologise for killing all the kahls?
- Was there even a hint of rebellion or was everyone just on her side?

Did she give specific details about her demands?

"I'm your queen now.  I will require a brand new outfit and a white horse because I only ride white horses and I better be the only one with a white horse but hey just be patient I have dragons I swear you'll see them honest also I won't use magic again the two times I've used it I've proved I'm immortal so won't be doing it again"

Sorry.
You may be able to tell that I genuinely cba with Dany scenes now so, instead of trying to deal with them, I'm just going to ask her some questions about Jorah:
- How exactly did he save your life this time?  Did he make you and your hair fireproof?
- Why do you suddenly love him again?  Why is this the first proper display of emotion you've shown in a looooooooong time and it's aimed at JORAH?
- Why can't you touch him, when he definitely touched you in Season Five Episode Nine?  You then went on to hold hands with Missandei and neither of you have greyscale, so his version isn't even contagious, is it?

 

Don't worry about sending him away.  His version's fine.

#continuity

Ugh.

To Mereen!  Tyrion takes centre stage, of course, and it's all rather dull. The Red Priestess proper loves dragons and is announcing that Dany is now the one who was promised or some nonsense while we all wonder what her necklace means and when she's going to get her boobs out.  I didn't like how her knowing Varys' story rattles him; he knows better than anyone that anything can be overheard and you can get information from anyone if you want it...  YOU WERE THE MASTER OF WHISPERS VARYS, GET A GRIP.

Four horsemen still. Goin' strong. #continuity

Bran, meanwhile, is super bored watching an old man sleep in a tree so decides to go on a little trip unescorted.  He finds all the Others and the four horsemen, one of whom Jon definitely killed at Hardhome and also didn't Sam have a good ole crack at one too?
The 'Night King' decides to grab him.  Now his mark is on Bran's skin, he can find them and Bloodraven is MAD because he can get in their cave now and basically oooooh shit they're in trouble now so they all just better go.

Speaking of shit, The Wall gang are having a lovely chat about strategy and how they haven't a hope in hell of taking back the Night North (sorry -- forgot that unJon no longer cares about the battle that could end the human race because he's a Stark now).

Sansa is dead wise and it legit looks like there may be a strong woman in Game of Thrones at last.

True, it's come out of nowhere.

It's not in keeping with the rest of her story arc...
It seems like she's getting rewarded for being raped?
She's just jumped back to Darth Sansa from Season Four, when she was all plotting and secretive and flirty with Littlefinger.

Actually, come to think of it, there's been no actual development of character to show how she has become this strong, independent woman, who just goes round being rescued and having to ask permission to take a knight into her service and having to be reminded of the words of the knight's vow because women are just stupid really and need men (or big Brienne) to guide/protect them.

Even if you try to get past all that...
She is saying some words and they do mean some things but, in reality, it's all wrong.
Sansa, why would the Northern Lords help you now?  They wouldn't help you when you were being raped by a man whose dad helped kill the Stark King in the North.  Why now does the Stark name mean something to Northerners?  It hasn't for a while.
Even if it did, Jon's a Snow and you're a Lannister Bolton.  The Umbers and Boltons have the last known Stark.  Why would Northern Lords betray them for you?

She then lies to Jon about how she knows about her uncle having just taken Riverrun.  (NB: Apparently, in the Inside the Episode it was implied that Sansa lied about getting the info from LF because a part of her is not ready to let go of him yet.  Gross.)  She thinks it's a good idea to work with him, despite him having only just taken Riverrun and probably not being in a position of strength right now.
The only army that could work well with them right now is from the Vale and Sansa decides not to mention them.  REASONS.
Also, she decides to tell Brienne to go to the Riverlands because she's about to go into a huge battle so why would she need a bodyguard? #sistersaredoingitforthemselves
Oh and she's super amazing at embroidery now for no reason.

Sansa has been turned into an idiot.  And they're trying to pass it off as feminism.

 (The only way I could work through the pain was to show my emotions through my <3, John Oliver.  It helped a bit.  

Not enough.)

Anyway, Sansa &Co decide to leave The Wall and go get warm, presumably.  Jon tells Edd to look after the wall and not let it fall down or some nonsense and we all die from exposure to #obviousforeshadowing.
Oh, and also Edd is Lord Commander now because who needs an election?  Maybe it's the law to have a Kingsmoot when the previous Lord Commander has been resurrected.  If only Sam was around to read the books to us and let us know.

And then, the moment we all knew was coming (if we'd read the leaked spoilers and got lost into many a subreddit before watching the episode ourselves... Just me?)
In The Cave, Meera and Hodor are slowly packing to go home and happily talking about eggs.  Bran and Bloodraven have decided to go have another vision together, for old times' sake.
BUT WHY IS NO ONE PANICKING?
The Nights' King not only knows exactly where you are but can totally get in and kill you all.  Shouldn't you be legging it?  WHY ARE YOU HAVING A VISION RN?  IS IT REALLY NECESSARY?

Also, Bran's vision is legit so dull - there is no point to the story other than the fact that Young Hodor ('Wyllis') is there.  Bloodraven and Bran literally stand there in silence and watch the boring scene whilst all hell is about to break loose in the cave...

(NB: According to my Twitter sources, D&D addressed this on the Inside the Episode, which I refuse to watch for fear of damaging my TV in a rage, by saying that BR and Bran went for a lil vision because BR wanted to 'upload all his info' into Bran.  They just decided not to tell us this for REASONS.  I hate them so much.)
(Also: I've read some theories that say that Bloodraven wanted all of this to happen for REASONS and, honestly, I think I hate this idea even more)

Meera's spidey senses tingle and tell her to run outside.  Once she does, she sees all the Others coming for them.  She desperately tries to get Bran to wake up, which he won't do, and massively scares Hodor.  As Leaf and Meera start to fight the first wave (read: 'shittest fighters') of Others, she tells Bran to warg into Hodor because they need him.  Bran hears this and wargs into Hodor, whilst remaining in the vision itself.  Bloodraven says something about it being time.

Hodor (being controlled by Bran) smashes up some Others and they manage to get Bran on the sled and begin to run away.  The Others, inevitably catch up and, after some Leaf grenade action (oh, Bloodraven's dead btw, did I mention that?), they get to the door BECAUSE OF COURSE THERE IS A DOOR ON THE CAVE THE CHILDREN OF THE FOREST ARE OBV CARPENTERS WHO HATE DRAUGHTS.

They manage to get out and Meera drags Bran away.  She leaves Hodor (still, presumably, being controlled by Bran) to 'Hold the Door' and repeatedly shouts this as he is basically ripped apart by the Others.  This affects Hodor in the past (and Bran, whilst controlling Hodor, can see this), who subsequently has a fit.

He shouts 'Hold the Door' over and over until it becomes 'Hodor' and it's all he can say and he dies and we all die with him. #feels

Now.  This was all very action-y and cinematic and exciting but people seemed to have interpreted this as Hodor sacrificing his life, and sanity his entire past life, for Bran but he didn't really have a choice, did he?

Bran was making Hodor's body do this.

Credit: @TommenGoogling

I always hated the passages in the books when Bran warged into him as it always said that it terrified Hodor, who seemed to 'cower' in a corner of his own mind whilst Bran controlled him.  Imagine cowering away in your mind like that, with no power over your actions, whilst someone killed you in order to save themselves. </3

Don't get me wrong, I have no beef with the 'Hold the Door' theory itself - it's one I've read before - but, admittedly, I didn't see it playing out like this.  I always assumed that the pain of having Bran's power was that you had to live with seeing events from the past, without being able to affect any of them.  I'm open to this new theory but, as someone who personally does not enjoy time travel stories and plot lines, I'm not sold on it as of right now.

I also think it was incredibly unnecessary to wait an entire season of not having Bran &Co only to kill Summer and Hodor on their return.  Can't help but feel this could've been done sooner for the same effect.


I know, I know, "but the filming" "the visuals", "the score", "the acting" of this scene and everything... I get it.  I watched it with some Unsullied and they bloody loved it (hence why I normally watch alone) and, for the first time in a long time, I can get why you may feel that way on first watch.  It's exciting.  It's...  I can see why you think that it is done well.  And it's not even that I'm annoyed they're killing off characters anymore -- you come to expect it.


It's just utter bullshit.


High Points
The return of Littlefinger's teleporter
Children of the Forest creating the Others

Low Points
Same old same old -- The lack of continuity and LOGIC in general


1 point for the CotF creating the White Walkers scene
1 point for Jorah's non-contagious greyscale
1 point for mentioning Brynden Tully
1 point for the Children of The Forest's carpentry classes coming in handy
1 point for the visuals in the final Die Hard scene
Minus 2 for the deaths of Hodor and Summer
Minus 2 for the Kingsmoot

1/10

I'm dreading next week.

I'll be livetweeting at 2am.
I'm trying to tweet a lot more, actually.  Find me @noneedtomoan!
General mood on Twitter:

Season Six, Episode Four

I stayed up for the 2am showing on a work night and all I got was this lousy episode...

We start off our bore-a-thon at The Wall, where Jon and Edd are just having a chat about what Jon's gonna do for his holidays and Jon's all 'get warm?' and him and Delorous Edd just crack up because it turns out bringing Jon back from the dead makes him a stand up comic and his one liners are so on point that I had to google 'smug smile gif' in an attempt to show you how proud he was of himself.
(In all seriousness, this start was stupid so I wanted a picture of John McClane to cheer me up. #noragrets)

In other news, Sansa &Co. have arrived at the Wall already because what even is geography?  I knew this was coming but I hadn't prepared myself enough for it because, honestly, I found the whole reunion thing so painful and awkward...
Am I making this up or have Jon and Sansa never had any interaction in the entire six seasons of this show?  I feel like they haven't.  Even in the books, their relationship isn't really explained - GRRM leaves it pretty open, if I'm remembering correctly.  I think the fact that nothing is ever really said between them is kind of the point.  They don't hate each other.  They're not mean to each other.  They merely exist in close proximity to one another, each of them tolerating the other.  They were never brother and sister to one another but that means nothing because they just weren't anything together.  Now, I'll buy the fact that, even if they were never close, they both just needed a cuddle -- they've been through a lot -- but I cannot accept Sansa apologising to Jon.  Sansa, we all know you didn't do anything wrong anyway but, even if you did, I think we can all just move the fuck on, yeah?  Bigger fish and all that?
Much to my dismay, the scene continues with 'good soup' (the cooks are obviously using up the last of the Watch's food stores just to impress Sansa) and, if I'm not mistaken, some solid Jon/Sansa flirting.

FLIRTING

All of the nope.
Then, Sansa proves just how much of a "major player" she's become since being raped last season by demanding that Jon and the wildlings march on Winterfell to take their home back.  She also mentions Bran and Rickon and the two of them just gloss over it without any solid discussion about how they're alive.  She wants his help but she'll do it herself if he doesn't.  Super empowered.  Jon isn't for fighting at all; he's tired of fighting and he just wants to go be warm in the South, somewhere he can crack jokes apparently.  I'd love to know what his actual plan was before Sansa the Genius suggested this.
Was it anything to do with all those Others?  Maybe going to fight them?
Ah, no.  Can't be -- they're North.

Besides, you're just over reacting; they're not that scary if you think about it.  They may be worth getting murdered by your brothers over or letting the Wildlings through the Wall for or generally losing your shit over but don't worry about them now.

unJon has no time for worrying about Winter coming, nor about the White Walkers starting the Longest Night.  Let him go warm up in the South.

SOLID PLAN JON AND SANSA

Or, at least, go and rescue that old castle from the Boltons and reclaim both it and the title of Warden of the North for his family... Well not his family; he's a bastard.

And he won't be Warden of the North because all the Northern Lords are turning against the Starks for no apparent reason.

#logic

Still at The Wall, we get to see Melisandre pondering life etc and Davos decides that, after three episodes supporting Jon and loving Mel for no reason, he'd better ask about Stannis.  Melisandre is understandably cagey and just explains that he died in battle.

Then we get this exchange:
Davos: "What happened to Shireen?"
Brienne: "I saw what happened"

Okay.  But.  You didn't, did you, Brienne?  She then completely ignores his original question about Shireen and, instead, talks about Renly (get over it, Brienne) and black magic and Davos looks all awkward because he used to feel this way before his character did a complete 180 and then he loved magic and even knew about resurrection.  Brienne proceeds to rubs the execution of Stannis in Davos' face.  She then walks off.

Brilliant.  Now Davos knows exactly what happened to Shireen.

Finally moving away from The Wall, we get the glorious return of Sweetrobin who, despite a bit of greasy hair, is looking pretty well considering he's so sickly and suffers from serious seizures.  Royce is a miracle worker.  Then, the moment we've been waiting for, Baelish returns!  AND HE HAS A FALCON!  As much as I'd love to think this is all symbolic and Robert Arryn can actually skinchange etc, I just think the writers thought bringing a falcon in would be fucking cool.  Sigh.
So, after being home for approx 2.5 seconds, he appears to have hypnotised Sweetrobin to agree with everything he suggests - hey let's kil Royce, nahh let's not be tight, hey shall we go get Sansa?  Cool let's start a war.
So.  Let's clarify for a sec.  Littlefinger, the guy OBSESSED with the game of thrones, kidnapped Sansa, took her to the Eeyrie, married her aunt, pretended she was his bastard for like a day, killed her aunt, got custody of Sweetrobin, left Sweetrobin behind, married Sansa off to the Boltons despite her still being married, told Cersei that the Boltons were committing treason, disappeared and then reappeared in the Eeyrie, got Sweetrobin back and is now in for war to go back to the beginning and get Sansa again?

Also, you lose major points for using the word 'fray' and not have it be about the actual Freys.

#RIPWalda

What next?  Obviously, we need to have Tyrion quoting Tyrion to start off the Tyrion scenes. #smoothsegues
Now, tbh, this bit was SO boring I zoned out (I will try and stop doing this but, really, D&D should try and make better TV that keeps me interested) but I do remember wondering how the slavers knew that Varys was a eunuch and also how long Messandei and Grey Worm are going to put up with this level of Tyrion condescension.  Seriously, how much screen time is going to be wasted on Tyrion's brilliant plans?  Yawn.
I also especially enjoyed Tyrion's poor Valyrian resulting in the line "we speak the Common Tongue".  Of course they do.  Who in Mereen fucking doesn't?!

Cut to Daario basically slamming Jorah for being old and for never having sex with Dany.  They then lie down on a hillside and look at Vaes Dothrak.

Whilst checking out the situation, Jorah gives the whole back story about Vaes Dothrak to Daario, which he definitely could've done on the journey over but then how else would we have had our time wasted?  He reminds Daario that they can't take weapons in and he's obviously hesitant.  

Daario then, very calmly, notices Jorah's greyscale through the convenient hole in his top.  Serious question now: did Jorah rip this hole in his top just so he could look at his greyscale on the regs more conveniently?  He does so love to just stare at it wistfully.

There's then a whole thing where they invade and attack some Dothraki bloodriders, which causes a problem, according to Jorah.  He says that a stab wound means the 'whole city will be looking' for them.  Them specifically apparently.  However, Daario solves this problem by bashing in the head with a rock.  This way, yes they've broken the sacred no blood being spilled rule but the whole city... moves on?  I don't know.

Meanwhile, Dany's chatting with the Dosh Khaleen and has managed to make a friend.  Yay for friends.  Speaking of friends (#smoothseques), Daario and Jorah pop up out of nowhere and Dany isn't surprised at all; she just doesn't want them to hurt her new BFF.  Dany.  WHY aren't you shocked?  I mean, I saw them making their way to you and even I was still surprised they made it so quickly.
No matter.  She has a plan.  I mean, her plan is so much better than just running out in the cover of darkness because they won't make it out alive, even though they clearly made it in a-ok.  We don't get to hear the plan but she'll need the new friend's help as well as Jorah and Daario's. 

There's also a lovely moment where Dany smiles at Jorah and everything's great between the two of them because why wouldn't it be?

Next, onto Kings' Landing and the High Sparrow (challenging Tyrion for most screen time this season!) and Margaery and they're just shooting the shit about her family and how he thinks they're all sin and that's why she can't be freed (Cersei went back to the Lannisters but that's okay - they seem like good people) but also, whilst we talk about your family, do you want to go and see your brother?  #logic

Loras is not doing very well at all, despite Margaery reminding him that he's the future of their house because they don't appear to have any other brothers and, luckily, he's not in the Kingsguard in the show but he's not having any of it.

"I just want it to stop"
Same here, bbz.

It basically ends with Loras saying he doesn't care if they win; he just wants it all to stop.  I can't help but feel like him confessing to his crime and dealing with his punishment would stop it all but I could be wrong...  It looks like the High Sparrow is doing a bit of plotting to make Margaery... do... something?

Meanwhile, Pycelle is talking to Tommen about the High Sparrow until Cersei interrupts and chucks him out (I hate myself for enjoying his smirk at her on his way out).  There's then a whole exchange where Cersei reminds Tommen how much she hates the High Sparrow.  Her hating the Faith Militant is kind of like Alliser and the Wildlings...  It's totally your fault anyway so you're not allowed a new opinion on it now it's not worked out.  Then, there's a mystery as Tommen The Dull reveals that the High Sparrow has told him...

The Kings' Landing Effect

Cersei then chooses to interrupt the 'small council meeting', consisting solely of Kevan and Olenna.  Very small council.  She drops a few random truth bombs that were said in such a blase way I felt I should already know about them.  Like... Did we know that Cersei's trial's in a few days?  That's not been mentioned right?  Anyway, she tells Olenna that Margaery will have to do the walk of shame because GoT needs more boobs and uses this to blackmail her into attacking the Faith Militant, using their army, which is apparently the second largest army in Westeros.  WHO KNEW?  Who's got the largest army?
For some reason, Mace is not present at the meeting, nor is he in charge of his own army so it is agreed.  Kevan will take no action and will stand down when the attack happens.  They are aware it could cause civil war but they don't care.

Whatever Tommen's secret is, this plan makes little to no sense and was, all in all, super boring.  Let's move on to something that makes a little more sense...

NOPE.  NOPE WE CAN'T.
I can't put this into words so enjoy my reaction to Pyke from the live tweeting at 2am this morning:

I can't even.
'Yara' is totally harsh with Theon (VICTIM BLAME MUCH?) and is super suspicious of Theon's arrival because it's a great coincidence that Balon just happened to die just as Theon escaped and he just made it back just in time for the Kingsmoot.

Welcome to Game of Thrones writing, 'Yara'.
For some reason, Theon agrees to help her win the Kingsmoot and we move on without seeing Euron because why would we need to when...

RAMSAY TIME
So Game of Thrones have officially run out of story ideas and just rehash the scene from Season Two when Osha attempted to seduce the Lord of Winterfell (Theon, if you've forgotten).
But this time it ends in death because Ramsay needed to be hated even more.

BACK TO THE WALL
(I feel like I've used the Lil Jon reference too many times so have just resorted to all caps)

Whatever, the food is bad now #logic
Tormund is dead into Brienne because giants #lolbanter

It's all pretty predictable until we get the Pink Letter and every book fan's heart is in their mouth as they wonder if they're actually going to do it and if we're actually going to find out who it is (NB: I don't think we will because I'm convinced it's Mance and obv that can't happen here but whatever).  The seal doesn't match the standard Bolton wax seal and we know Ramsay has a maester (so it should've come by raven) so, if this was the books, I'd say these are both good signs that the letter is not actually from Ramsay.  However, I have very little faith in the TV show and wouldn't be surprised if it just turned out to be him (especially as his teaser trailer for season six had him saying, "Winterfell is mine, come and see")
I would love for it to be Stannis or the Umbers but we'll just have to wait it out.

Some things that did irritate me, though:
Why are they surprised about Rickon?
Sam told Jon and Sansa was told by Theon so they know he's around.  And, if they know Rickon was meant to be with the Umbers like that guy on Twitter told me they did during our mild fracas about this scene, then why was there not a further discussion about the disloyalty of the Northern lords?

How does Sansa guess stuff so well?
Oh it's signed Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North?  Roose is dead and Ramsay's killed him.  We know that.   Newsflash, Sansa -- you don't.

Why is Cersei not punishing the Boltons for the treason?
I know she's got a lot on atm but nothing's being said or done?  She's not stripping Ramsay of the title of Warden of the North?  No wonder everyone's mouthing off about the Lannisters -- it's the perfect crime.  A 0.0001% chance of getting your head bashed in by an undead Gregor (yeah, it's Gregor, everyone knows that) but otherwise, pretty good odds about keeping your illegitimate hold on the North.  Nice one.

#mood

I also enjoyed that the ONE time Ramsay didn't brag about his twenty men was in front of Sansa, and he made it five thousand.  Of course he did.

Sansa The Military Genius:
"Northern families are loyal.  They'll fight for you if you ask"

Awkward.

This gets a slow nod of approval from Jon but no actual lines.  Do you get it?  Sansa is the one in control?

Such empowerment.  So deep.  Many feminism.

And, finally this evening, it's time to see how Dany's plan will work out.  I can only imagine it'll go well.  So you know how the Dosh Khaleen (the widows, you know, the women) have all the power in Vaes Dothrak?  Yeah, no, they don't.  At all.
All the Khals (the MEN) are discussing how blood being spilled is not really a big deal if the guy who's bleeding has been a dick to the khal. #logic
Dany is brought in, there's a discussion between the men about what to do and Dany pipes up, causing Khal #1 to tell her that she has "no voice here unless [she is] Dosh Khaleen".  This is said whilst none of the Dosh Khaleen are allowed to be present to make this decision.  #logic
Never mind, they decide to just let the crazy woman monologue and wander around freely until she suggests leading the Dothraki (you know, the group of people who do not have one leader, they have several 'packs' led by individual khals and there are tensions between each one?) herself.
Khal #1 is not down with this so decides to inflict mass rape on Dany instead.  She has this weird frozen smile on her face, which is quite honestly the most emotion I've seen from her all season, until...

CONVENIENT TORCH IS CONVENIENT

This torch, and others, gets flung at the Khals and the fire conveniently spreads super fast towards them.

How did her minions help her plan?  Daario and Jorah helped by stabbing the guards and locking the door.  The woman...?

Dany continues to throw the torches (probably not the right word but idc) towards the men as they burn to death.

Outside, all the Dothraki are crowding around as the doors conveniently burn away and out steps Dany.  Naked.  #logic

THINGS CONVENIENT FIRE BURNS OFF DANY:
- Clothes


THINGS CONVENIENT FIRE DOES NOT BURN OFF DANY:
- Hair
- Hair band
- Smug look on face


All of the Dothraki, the people who hate black magic, bow down like she's a god.  Jorah and Daario walk forward and bow down, too.  Daario is truly mesmerised, presumably by boobs.

Obviously, I'm angered by this scene.
Here are some reasons:

1) It's been done once.  First the Osha repeat, now this.  Stop plagiarising your own plots.
2) Neither Dany, nor any of the Targaryens, are fireproof.  George RR Martin has even stated this in interviews.  The first time it happened, there was a comet and a witch burning and black magic being used and dragons and all sorts (also her hair burned off).  It was a one off.

"TARGARYENS ARE NOT IMMUNE TO FIRE! The birth of Dany's dragons was unique, magical, wonderous, a miracle." - GRRM (source)

3) Why did she have to be naked?  Fire doesn't work like this.
4) There was NO OTHER logical way to get her out of Vaes Dothrak?  No way that was more likely to succeed?  With fewer variables?

High Points
Jorah's nifty greyscale-viewing hole

Low Points
The lack of logic applied throughout
The rehashed storylines


2 /10
1 for Shame Septa's appearance
1 for Sweetrobin's sweet new falcon
2 for Jorah's customisation skillz
-2 for the plots that've been used before


Excitement Levels for next week:

I tried to be positive, I swear.

Catch me on Twitter at 2am next Monday like an absolute suckaaa.  @noneedtomoan
If you don't currently live tweet, you should.  Where else will you see such real life juxtaposition?