Season Six, Episode Eight

Hi team.

This is getting more and more difficult as the weeks pass.  The show defies logic: nothing happens and yet they still somehow manage to ruin EVERYTHING. 

Believe it or not, I think that my previous reviews (E1, E2, E3, E4, E5, E6 & E7) have been pretty tame.  I have been genuinely attempting to try and understand what the showrunners are trying to do (obviously, I never can but the attempt is normally there).  However, last night's episode made this extremely difficult.  There were so many poor decisions made that are simply inexplicable and make no sense whatsoever.  So, fair warning: this episode sent me to new levels of anger that I did not know could be reached.  It will get more intense than usual (lol no I didn't know it could either).

Let's crack on, shall we?

We open in Braavos, specifically on Lady Crane, yet again performing as Cersei in The Only Play That Exists.  How many times has this crowd seen this story now?  In fairness to her, she's apparently taken Mercy's advice and has changed the writing to make her character more likeable, which is so much like Cersei in the actual show it could be purposeful but I don't think I can give D&D the credit.
Anyway, she's pretty proud of herself until she hears a thud, which turns out to be Arya, bleeding in a heap all over her expensive costumes.  Real nice, Arya.

Definitely dead.

Okay.  Here's the thing.
Last week, I said how ridiculous I thought it was that Arya survived the stabbing from the waif when Areo Hotah had one little stab in the back and died.

However, after I had posted my review, I had a think back.  Maybe I'd been a bit harsh, here.  It's not like THAT many characters have up and died from stab wounds.

Ooh.  Nasty wound.  She's dead.

Oh yeah.  Good and dead.

Stab wounds to his abdomen? Dead.

Just look how dead this guy is.

Remember him? You betchya he's dead.

COME ON

Ahem.
Whatever.  That's apparently unimportant because I've spent a lot of time on the internet over the past week and there are plenty of theories that explain how Arya can logically survive this.

#mood

Basically, depending on which theory you choose, it was a metaphorical stabbing and so she's not actually physically hurt because she was stabbing the 'old her' in order to finally become 'no one' OR it wasn't Arya who was stabbed at all because it was Jaqen using the faces OR she conned everyone with some conveniently placed special effects, borrowed from the play she watched for a couple of weeks.
Honestly, I love a good ole tin foil hat theory and, although I could not genuinely believe any one of these severely unlikely and basically ridiculous examples, I was still almost rooting for one of them to be true because, otherwise, it may have just meant that Arya was practically invincible, at least from stab wounds that would've (and HAVE) killed any other Game of Thrones character.  Alas, the theories were little more than wishes made by the fans for the show to make some semblance of sense.
Arya was just stabbed, okay?

She hid in water just long enough so that she didn't drown and the waif would leave because CONVENIENT TIMING.
She pulled herself out and wandered the streets of Braavos, where everyone ignored the bleeding child because REASONS.
She went to the only other person in Braavos she really knows, Lady Crane, for help and Lady Crane can heal stab wounds because LOGIC.
  
So it just so happens that Mean Ole Lady Crane used to stab men up all the time when they cheated on her (before then taking them back and caring for them to ensure their wounds healed because #feminism) so she takes her in and bandages her up and gives her milk of the poppy and rubbish soup and now Arya's cured.

Arya

Before Arya has an opiate-induced nap whilst Nice Lady Crane holds her hand, they have a little catch up.  Turns out Vengeful Lady Crane carved up the Sansa actress' face for trying to have her killed (#sistersaredoinitforthemselves) and the comedy troupe has apparently reached the maximum number of times you can perform the same play in the same place to the same crowd and so is moving on to Pentos.  Kindly Lady Crane invites Arya to join them but it turns out Arya's interested in seeing what happens when the maps end (#columbus) and Motherly Lady Crane just chuckles and is all, "kids".

[NB: You know when I said this post was going to be more intense than usual and you didn't believe me and now you've just realised that was only the first scene?]

So, scene two.  Just a bunch of lads having some banter about kissing ladies.  Because not enough time has been wasted on getting to know these randoms, it turns out we need to know that this guy actually just wanted to insert his finger into the other man's anus.  #comedy

HOUND IS BACK OMG GET HYPE
#CLEGANEBOWL

There's some raucous laughter (because sexual assault lolz, amiright?) until we suddenly see Sandor Clegane arriving in the background.
He obviously murders them all brutally with his trusty Axe of Revenge™, before whacking the last one in the crotch and asking him where 'the one with the yellow cloak' (seriously, how difficult would it have been to say 'lemon'?) was and, when big ole tough guy decides to say 'fuck you' instead, Sandor says he's shit at dying and slices right through him.
Yep.  Sandor has definitely benefitted from his time with Brother Ray & Co. and is on a path to redemption and definitely is not the same person as The Hound always was.  No no.

Then we pop back to Mereen, which literally no one has missed while it's been gone.

Season 5, Episode 3 to be precise.

We see a Red Priestess, who is neither Melisandre (#whereisMel), nor Random Other Priestess who knew about Varys' life who was introduced a few episodes ago, but, whoever she is, she gives a rousing Dany Is The Best speech.
Hardly surprising, given that we all know the Lord of Light followers in Slavers' Bay have been behind the 'Dragon Queen' since last season, right?
Tyrion appears to have forgotten this, however, as he (in his very expensive outift) wanders the dangerous streets (the ones they needed escorts and a disguise to be on earlier in the season) with Varys.  He smugly smiles at Varys to show that his plan of action to get them talking about Dany is working (even though, as discussed above, this is not down to Tyrion and has been going on for a while) and even calls his plan 'successful'.  Giant sigh.
Tyrion reminds Varys that he's a eunuch and we all have a few lolz and then they look at all the ships in the distance. The ships that were burned down in Episode One, you ask?  Nahh, they've probably just rebuilt them by now (in which case, y'all better prepare for Euron's magnificent and imminent arrival in Slavers' Bay on a full fleet).
Tyrion announces that he will miss Varys and he hopes he's right about his 'expedition'.

Shh everyone.  VARYS IS DOING SECRET THINGS OK

Varys then has a whole thing which is bizarre.  Firstly, he tells Tyrion he has to go because they need friends in Westeros and also ships (because there aren't any sh- wait...)  He then drops this gem, "I can't go off on a secret mission with the most famous dwarf in the city."  Come on, Varys.  You're in the middle of what is clearly a thriving city market and just screaming about your secret plans to go to Westeros?
Remember when Varys orchestrated an entire spy network?  Neither does he.

Tyrion calls him back because he's obviously behaving like a complete imbecile.  Thank God Tyrion's got his shit together.

He corrects him and says he's actually the 'most famous dwarf in world'.  Not city.  Okay, Varys?
Bear that in mind but otherwise just keep doing you.
#bestteamever

From one dream team to the next!  Cersei is drinking alone when Qyburn comes a-calling, telling her that the Faith Militant are IN THE RED KEEP!  BECAUSE TOMMEN LET THEM IN!

PANIC

Cersei goes to speak to a very croaky-voiced Lancel (seriously, was this an acting choice or does he just have a cold?  I need to know because it was really distracting), who tells her that the High Septon (apparently everyone's stopped calling him the High Sparrow now) demands her presence.  She refuses.  The Mountain Ser Gregor steps in to stop them from taking her and then we get the line we've been waiting since the trailer for.

As it turns out, this line was a lot more exciting out of context but it's always the way with trailers.  Even the Terminator-reminiscent score can't help hype this up enough.
Regardless, the Sparrows are all 'hey we got this huge undead guy, right?' until they discover the hard way that his armour is super strong.
unGregor reacts to this attempt to hurt him by, predictably, strangling a guy and then ripping the head off him.
Lancel et al look suitably shocked and Cersei gets to smugly smile and tell them to 'tell his High Holiness he's welcome to visit' because Cersei don't travel nowhere no way no how.

Meanwhile we arrive at CGI City Riverrun!
Before we get into this, allow me a little bit of book snobbery for a moment because the Blackfish situation immediately makes less sense in the show and I never broached this last week.  Apparently, the Freys got Riverrun first and then the Blackfish stole it back (lol how seriously).  In the books, the Blackfish never leaves Riverrun for it to be taken.  That's the whole problem and why Jaime is drafted in, after a long stand off, to help get him out.
Ok.  With me?  Let's get back to it then because Brienne and Pod have arrived!

Robson & Jerome > Jaime & Bronn

She goes to have a chinwag with Jaime as Pod waits outside.
Bronn grabs Pod by the neck for the lolz (also to make an exciting shot for the trailer) and then makes a dig that he's 'getting a bit too old to be a squire'.
LOL DO YOU GET IT BECAUSE HE'S MEANT TO BE ABOUT THIRTEEN OMG CLASSIC BRONN

Bronn has seemingly retained his mystic omniscient powers from Season Five, as he knows that Jaime and Brienne want to fuck one another and also that Pod has a magic cock.

Inside the tent, Jaime and Brienne are catching up.  Jaime is really surprised that Sansa is alive and reminds the audience that Cersei wants her dead for killing Joffrey.  Brienne explains that she's there for Sansa to get the Blackfish onside and take his army up to help Sansa retake Winterfell because she wants to be Lady of Winterfell.
Erm.  WHAT?!  Were we ever told that Sansa wants to be Lady of Winterfell?  Is Brienne making this up? Is everyone forgetting that Rickon has a stronger claim on Winterfell than Sansa?

Jaime asks none of these questions and instead just gives us some helpful exposition about who the Freys are.  They chat about honour and he asks her not to make him betray his own house.

(*cough* and THE KING...Who's a DIFFERENT HOUSE, remember? Jaime's legit the worst at keeping incest secret) 

In the end, though, this is a moot point because he decides to give her until nightfall and, if she can persuade the Blackfish to leave before then, he will let them march North.

Okay...  Okay.  Let's all just calm the fuck down here and think about a few things:

• Jaime is a Lannister and House Lannister has sworn fealty to the King
• He, therefore, must not allow traitorous events to occur
• The King proclaimed that Riverrun belonged to the Freys
• The Tullys, therefore, are going against the King's orders by being in Riverrun
• The King proclaimed Roose Bolton to be Warden of the North and gave them Winterfell
• Sansa and Jon, therefore, are going against the King's orders by trying to take Winterfell

I understand the show is trying to build the relationship between Brienne and Jaime but it makes NO sense.  Jaime would never allow Brienne to take the Tully army (traitors to the King) away from Riverrun.  He then would not allow House Tully (traitors, remember?  They took Riverrun off the Freys apparently) to join forces with House Snow Bastard Stark (the self-proclaimed leader of which is a traitor as she's suspected of commiting regicide) to retake Winterfell (a traitorous act -- it belongs to the Boltons).  I DON'T GET IT  I DON'T GET ANY OF IT HELP
Omg and seriously, the rest of this scene...

With Jaime doing his little puppy dog eyes at Brienne as he told her to keep the sword?  With Brienne pretending that she wanted to give the sword back?
Either it was seriously well acted (I'm not convinced I can tell the difference between good and bad acting any more) or I just completely projected the books onto it but, either way, it was actually really cute and I know I should've loved it but then I'd remember the situation they'd been written into and how NONE OF IT works for the characters, for the world they're in, for the politics, for ANY REASON... and basically I didn't even slightly enjoy it.

Oh God, there's more Riverrun too.
Blackfish allows Brienne in (we're not sure why) but is having none of her shit. He won't abandon Riverrun on Jaime's word, nor will he believe that Brienne is working for Sansa.
Two very sensible decisions.  Well done, Blackfish.

Brienne doesn't give up and spouts some rubbish so that he reads probably about two words of the letter Sansa has written and decides that 'she's exactly like her mother'.
Ugh.
Whatever, though, because Winterfell may be Sansa's home but Riverrun is the Blackfish's so Jaime will have to take it off him if he wants it.  Brienne tells Pod to send a raven to Sansa to tell her she's failed.

Now, if I had the strength, I'd analyse where the fuck this raven will be sent to because, last Brienne knew, Sansa was at Castle Black.
She has no idea which Northern Lords have sworn fealty to Sansa and so has no clue that Sansa is in possession of the Mormont ravens right now.  How will Sansa get this message?  That's what I'd ask.  If I wasn't exhausted from trying to make sense of a situation that is completely illogical.  I'd also ask why the 8000 strong Lannister army would allow a castle under siege to send ravens because they'd definitely shoot them from the sky, right?  It's probably why Sansa sent Brienne rather than sending a raven, right?

I can't.  I can't even.

Take me back to King's Landing and Cersei, for the love of the gods!
She's annoyed because she wasn't informed that there was to be a royal announcement.  She tries to stand next to Tommen but Kevan (see, Olenna, Cersei has family!) makes her stand with the losers in the gallery instead.  Margaery's absence is not explained, btw.  Shockingly, all the other women in the cheap seats move away from her (and creepy Qyburn and the zombie man that can murder you super fast) whilst Tommen says all this trash about the Faith and the Crown being two pillars that hold up the world and how, basically, if you break The Father's laws, you're fucked.  He reminds us that Cersei and Loras' trial is coming up soon, which is handy because we had no idea they are apparently to be tried together, despite their crimes not being linked and also the fact that Margaery was meant to be sorting a deal out for him.  Also, big news, trial by combat is no longer allowed.

Looks like Cersei's unGregor plan is out the window!
Cersei looks sad, Tommen looks sad and everyone else looks... well, pretty bored tbh.  I suppose, if you're not directly affected, it isn't terrifically exciting news.
After Tommen leaves, we get a bit of mystery (say 'ooooh').  Qyburn tells Cersei he's investigated 'that old rumour', using his birds.  He claims 'it's more, much more than a rumour'.
This is wildfire, right?  Is that what we're all assuming?  Not much of a mystery, given that they showed Aerys' use of it in Bran's vision... Ah well.  I'm sure this plan will come to fruition just like all of Cersei's. #Mountain #zombie #useless

Back to Mereen!  God, we're really making up for lost time here.  Tyrion is drinking wine and happy and so decides to forces Grey Worm and Missandei to drink, too because peer pressure is fun and harmless. There's so much filler conversation in this scene it's ridiculous and I'm not even going into it but, just know, Tyrion wants a vineyard and he likes to tell jokes as well as force others to tell jokes.  He also likes to repeat the beginning of the same joke he told in season one because #callbacks
Whatever.  They're all actually smiling and having fun until the bell rings and they discover they're being attacked by a huge fleet.  For one terrifying moment, I actually thought the Iron Born had made it to Mereen but, not to worry, it's just the masters, who 'have come for their property'.

Moving on!  Back to... Oh no...

#pleaseGodno

At Riverrun, Jaime goes to see Edmure.  He apologises for the treatment he received from the Freys and then chats about his son, who apparently exists but hasn't been spoken about this entire time.

(NB: if Edmure has a son, he'd be Edmure's heir, right?  As valuable a hostage as Edmure himself?  Why is Edmure still alive?  Just kill him!)

This then progresses into an argument, where Edmure (finally getting lines, yaaas!) asks Jaime how he can live with himself.  Jaime responds by talking about Catelyn Stark (because we gots to get us some #Stoneheart hype) and also repeats 'the things we do for love' from the pilot episodes because doing #callbacks is easier than writing new lines, right?

Then, rather strangely, he decides to tell Edmure that he loves Cersei and, to get back to her, he has to take Riverrun so he'll do anything because only Cersei matters.

"If I have to slaughter every Tully that ever lived to get back to her, that is what I'll do."  - RIP Jaime Lannister's character and the redemption the real him so desperately sought. 

The next thing we see is Edmure Tully approaching Riverrun. Blackfish tells him not to let him in because he has a brain and realises it's a trap. However, the bloody jobsworth soldier is beyond confused: they should obey the Lord of Riverrun, which is Edmure.

They decide to let him in and the Blackfish is, understandably, furious.  Jaime watches on with the Frey man, who tells Jaime that he just surrendered their most valuable prisoner if he's wrong.
Edmure walks in, sees Blackfish and walks away.  He goes straight upto the soldiers who lowered the drawbridge for him moments ago.  He commands all the forces in the castle to lay down their swords and open the gates.  They look pretty gutted tbf but they do as they're told and Jaime rides in.  Edmure tells them to find the Blackfish, put him in irons and hand him over to the Freys.

Speaking of Blackfish, here's the Blackfish (#smoothsegues).  He's found the super secret moat entrance and is helping Brienne and Pod escape.  He decides to stay and fight because he 'ran' from the Red Wedding (eh?) and he's not had a proper sword fight in years.
Cut to: Jaime standing above the drawbridge, being told they found the Blackfish and he 'died fighting'.  ANOTHER OFF SCREEN DEATH? For serious?  He's then mildly distracted by Brienne and Pod making a very, very slow escape.  He sees her.  She sees him.  They wave to one another.  It is actually mildly cute.
It does not, however, detract from the utter shit show that was the rest of Riverrun.

MEANWHILE, back in Mereen (seriously? AGAIN?)

Writer's expect this reaction to her return

The battle is well underway and, gee whiz, they sure could use a hero right now.  No time for thinking about saviours, though, for Tyrion is being self effacing and admitting he was wrong to do the deal with the slavers.  Grey Worm says they should stay protecting the pyramid as it's the only place they can successfully defend.  Suddenly, there's a few noises and, I swear to God, Dany just walks in and looks at them.  Drogon flies away in the background.

My reaction

Okay so, honestly, tell me now, how was this considered a good idea in the writing room?
Where's Daario and the whole kahlasaar?  Where's Drogon gone now?  Why did we not see him attacking the ships?  Did he even bother attacking the ships?  Or did he just drop Dany off and leg it?  Why does Dany look like she's just been in a hair and make up chair, and not just hopped off the back of a dragon after what we can assume was a long loooong journey?
OMG I HATE IT I HATE IT ALL SO MUCH

Aaaand it's back to The Hound, who is just wandering around and happens to find the Brotherhood Without Banners hanging Lem Lemoncloak and the other men who attacked Brother Ray &Co. as they are no longer in the Brotherhood.  Sandor proceeds to use 'girl' as an insult and demand he gets to kill them in as painful a way as possible because what even is character development?  They kill them and he nicks Lem's boots.
He then goes to their camp and has some food with them, even though he prefers chicken. #callback

Oh, you know what? Fuck the writers.  You're getting paid how much?! That shit is not funny.  Yes, it's a meme and YES it became hysterical for about five minutes on the internet but, seriously, repeating jokes is not funny.  Make some new jokes.  PLEASE.

Whatever.  He then has a wee in the river, when we get to see full frontal #HoundDong.  Guys this is not what I meant when I said make some new jokes.  What.  Why.  No.  Staaaaahp

Thoros asks him to join the Brotherhood because they're all still here for a reason and need good men to help them.  Also, cold winds are rising in the North, but don't think about that too much dear sweet audience.  He proclaims that it's 'not too late' for him and Sandor is left pondering what he will do.

Interestingly, no one calls him The Hound any more and I don't really understand why.  Brother Ray knows that The Hound is 'dead' but no one else does?  Was there a memo sent out to the rest of Westeros?  Is it like when Puff Daddy/ P Diddy/ Sean Combs demands we all call him something else?

Thank God it's the final scene because I'm losing the will to live.
Lady Crane is checking in on Arya, who is still in bed recovering and only moving ever so slightly.  She wanders into the other room and goes to get... poison?  More milk of the poppy?  We'll never know.  A blonde man sees her and then we hear a thud and she is proper dead.
Obviously the blonde man is the waif.  Less obvious is the reason why the waif needed to disguise herself when Lady Crane had no idea who she was and she took her face off to speak to Arya anyway.  Ah well.  Why do we need reasons for things any more?
The thud wakes Arya up and she discovers the waif and Dead Lady C.  Apparently, if Arya had done her job she would've died painlessly (there's literally no reason for the waif to have caused Lady C pain, though, is there?  She still could've done it painlessly) but the many faced god was promised a name and no one can change that.  Yawn.  Change the record, waif.  Or, stop monologuing and kill her!  DO SOMETHING

Arya, still recovering from major internal injuries, jumps far too far off a balcony, lands on her feet without breaking her legs and runs off and the waif, despite taking the stairs down, catches up no problemo.
At this point, I'd like to point out how the waif is basically the Terminator for the rest of this scene (yes, I've already mentioned the music earlier but I stand by all this; someone in the Game of Thrones camp BLOODY LOVES Terminator).  I'd love to go into more detail but I think I'll just stick with the summative review for now.  Maybe one day I'll be strong enough to thoroughly compare the two.  Today is not that day.
The waif is seriously fast (TERMINATOR FAST... Sorry) but Arya is faster because what stab wounds?  She even slides on her stomach at one point, seemingly ripping open her stitches but she can still run!  This whole chase scene is really long and the waif basically proves that she's the worst assassin of all time - drawing loads of attention to herself, giving her target a head start and assuming that she's mint at finding clues, when really that bloody hand print is probably a trap.
By the time the chase has finally ended, the two of them are in a dark room, the one we assume Arya returned to after not killing BFF Lady Crane.  Arya gets Needle, closes her eyes and slices the candle.
The screen goes black and the next thing we see is Jaqen, who has also just discovered some blood trail clues (they really need better security at The House of Black and White - someone should've seen this happening).  He follows the bloody trail and ends up in the face room.
Get this, Arya's only gone and put the waif's face on the wall.  Despite having no formal training in face peeling whatsoever because she didn't get up to that level of Facelessness.

Arya

He turns around to find Arya and this exchange happens:
A: You told her to kill me?
J: Yes but here you are and there she is. Finally a girl is no one.
A: A girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell and I'm going home.
J: *nods*
A: *smiles/grimaces* *leaves*

Wtf?
1) How does this act of revenge on the mean bully girl make Arya No One?  She's failed every task she's been given.
2) Arya's not going West of Westeros anymore?  When did she change her mind?  Why say it in the first place?
3) How did Arya beat the waif?  Sure, she'd been blind for a bit but had the waif not been?  The waif was higher up than Arya, is the training not the same for everyone?  Even if not, Arya never beat the waif when she was blind.  At best, she blocked a couple of shots, then Jaqen just let her have her sight back.
4)When did Arya learn to slice faces off?
5) WHAT WAS THE ACTUAL POINT OF BRAAVOS?!


It's over.
I told you it was a biggie.

High Points:
That one split second where Jaime waved at Brienne

Low Points:
Pointless callbacks
Invincible Arya/Shit Assassin Waif
All of it.  Everything.

Summary:

Season Six, Episode Seven

Welcome back, gang!
Believe it or not, we are already up to episode seven.  We're over half way through the season and I genuinely can't believe it. (mainly because nothing's really happened yet)

Anyway, we start off with a cold open, really throwing me off. Of course, it's the return of Sandor! <3

I wonder if anyone was really surprised about this; most fans I know have known about it for so long that we've been expecting it since the start of season six… But this could just be the level of fandom we're at.
As much as it pains me to admit it, I was the stupidest amount of HYPE when I saw him.  Expected or not, it was SO good to have him back.  Even if the cold open was incredibly transparent and only done to get an 'OMG NO WAYY THE HOUND YAAAS!!1' reaction from the masses, the fangirl in me reacted exactly the way the show runners wanted and I am mildly embarrassed about it.  Apologies.
Not to worry though, Unnecessary Moaner returned almost immediately after the titles.

We rejoin Ian McShane reading through his monologue (presumably entitled, 'ExpositionExpositionBackStoryTellEveryoneHowAliveTheHoundIs') as Sandor digs graves chops wood.  After a little chat about how Sandor was basically dead and how McShane is not very religious at all seemingly, Brienne arrives not much else happens.  McShane definitely doesn't tell us that the Hound is dead so all the fans will still be calling him that, which is great news because his character didn't really need any sort of development; it makes much more sense for him to stay the same forever.

But then all the fun is over because we must return to Margaery and the High Sparrow.  Yes.

Marg bbz get a new wig plz

This is the storyline that everyone cares about.  The High Sparrow gets EVEN MORE screen time for some reason, as he asks Margaery why she's stopped having sex with The Boy Tommen.  Come on Marg, take one for the team.
There's lots more religious talk until the High Sparrow tells Margaery that her family's full of sinners and she shouldn't go back to them.  High Sparrow says that they're all bad but Olenna is definitely a sinner.
There's no real explanation offered for why Olenna is being portrayed as a sinner but, speaking of Olenna, HERE'S OLENNA (#smoothsegues).  She's having a proper go at Margaery because, like us, she doesn't believe her new-found goodness.  She tells her that they marched for her… Handily missing out the fact that they basically waited AN ENTIRE SEASON to do it.
Then Olenna asks the question we've been wondering for a while -- where the fuck is Loras?  Marg comes up with some nonsense about him giving up his name and returning to Highgarden as a nobody as punishment and Olenna scoffs because there's no way that the only Tyrell heir is going to do that.

THE. ONLY. HEIR.

Give me stength.

Anyway, the boring religious stuff goes on a long time but then WHAT'S THIS?  Super stealthy secret note passing of the Season Five Littlefinger variety?  Oooh.  Whatever can it be?
It's… It's a drawing of a rose.
Excuse me whilst I faint with excitement.

HEY REMEMBER WHEN IT WAS WINTER AND IT USED TO SNOW?
#repeatingbestplotlines

We join Jon Snow somewhere in the North (we know because there's a little bit of snow and there hasn't been for ages) and he's trying to convince the wildlings to follow him on the march to Winterfell.

A couple of things:

1) Who decided Jon was the best person to rally these men?  He has an INCREDIBLY dull voice and personality and Tormund is literally standing right there.  He's doing most of the leg work anyway.  Why not let him lead the conversation, eh?
2) How have the whole gang got THIS far on their journey before someone's double checked that the wildlings are on board?  If they're not on board, why did they leave Castle Black with them all?
3) WHERE ARE THEY?
4) Why does Jon not care about the Others any more?  I understand he may care about revenge against Ramsay more at this point (although I really can't understand that - I just assume that will be the argument given here), but he seriously just glosses straight over the army of the Living Dead that will soon be North of the Wall.
5) Since when are wildlings stupid, Tormund?
6) Did someone seriously make a reference to Mance and a pile of bones?  Are the show runners just rubbing our faces in the book plots they ignored now? (Rattleshirt? Just me?)

Shout out to my man Wun Wun, though, for noticing the sudden continuity error with the weather.

"Snow?"

We were all thinking it, lad.


After the break, we are given the lovely gift that is MORE KING'S LANDING.
Cersei has, presumably, come to gloat to Olenna that her grand daughter isn't a scheming bitch any more (AHHHH IN YOUR FACE OLENNA) but instead is faced with the undeniable truth that she has made utterly ridiculous decisions with no basis in logic in the show.  Olenna reminds her that all of her family have left her - her children (mostly dead or srsly religious), her brother… She does completely forget Kevan Lannister (you know, the man that she served with on the tiniest Small Council?) but, in fairness, burns her good and we all forget logic and plot holes and cheer as she tells us she's leaving.

NEXT SCENE: Jaime and Bronn arriving at a rather Spring-looking Riverrun.

THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWNNNNN

Bronn makes some cock jokes and picks on Jaime for his disability because I suppose Tyrion's not in this episode and they had some great jokes they wanted to use anyway.
I hate that Bronn is this big of a character.  Seriously, at one point, Jaime says to him, "you can be the right hand I lost" and, if they hadn't have included the Yara kiss at the end of the show, I would've sworn that they'd have had Jaime lean over and full on snog Bronn's face off.
Get a room, boys.
There are Frey men in silly hats to deal with.

One of said Freys tries to get Blackfish to come out by threatening to kill Edmure Tully (lol there are so many characters here that show watchers must seriously be like "WHAT? WHO?" about) but Blackfish is super cool and all, "GO ON THEN" and the Frey guy doesn't go on then. #tense
Jaime sees all of this and thinks that he can solve all the problems by hitting people with his golden hand (that thing is SO useful) and bossing people around.  He leaves Bronn to tell the boys how best to secure a castle during a siege and we do not question the sellsword's ability to be a military mastermind for he is Bronn and Bronn is dead funny.
NB: Bronn is also always really tanned… Where is he staying between bro trips?  Wherever it is, it's not Winter there either. #Winterisnevercoming

Then it's back to the North and Jon, Davos and Sansa begging for help from one of the Northern Lords.
But, hang on.  It's not any Northerner: it's Lyanna Mormont.

Girl got us on Twitter like

I LOVE Lyanna Mormont's character.  She is one the coolest characters in the ASOIAF series, helped by the fact that all we really know about her was the bad arse letter she wrote to Stannis, refusing to bend the knee for anyone but a Stark.  This scene could've been equally as cool as her character if it had been written a little more coherently.

I had some thoughts on this that were about as all over the place as your writing of the scene so I've tried to organise them below:

• By having Sansa remarry whilst still married last season (WHICH IS ILLEGAL), this gives her a total of three surnames -- something Lyanna can use to prove the fact she's not a Stark and makes it look like Sansa is seemingly ready to jump into bed with any family she thinks is winning.  This would make her sudden claim of "I will always be a Stark" unbelievable.  I'm completely with Lyanna on this.  The writing of season five has made Sansa look stupid.
• By having no one really care about rescuing Rickon, all the writers are doing is just showing us that he's going to die this season and it'll be between Jon and Sansa for the Lord/Lady of Winterfell.  Is it just me that finds this ridiculous?  Northerners who claimed allegiance to the Stark King of the North should be falling over themselves to help save Rickon.  No?  The fact that the show runners don't want you even mildly invested in Rickon?  Bear in mind that I'm fairly certain he hasn't even spoken since season three.  He came back this season and the wildling girl got lines and a cool death and he didn't.  GAH.
• By having Sansa pout and sulk whilst Davos saves the day and persuades Lyanna to help, you writers are taking her character right back to the petulant child in Season One.  You are not letting Sansa 'grow' as a character at all -- she changes personality depending on how you way the scene to go.
• By having Davos be the one reminding Lyanna "the dead are coming", it just makes us wonder why the fuck Jon doesn't care about the Others any more and why Lyanna is so quick to believe in what have always been creatures of myth and legend that, even after Hardhome, the men of the Night's Watch didn't care about as much as wildlings.  Why does she believe?
• By making fun of the fact they only got 62 men out of all this, you make Ramsay's twenty good men from last season all the more ridiculous.

This whole scene was ruined by shoddy, shoddy writing and a flagrant disregard of past events/ character traits/ good storytelling/ common sense/ ANY SENSE OF LOGIC.

Luckily for me, after this scene so clearly irked me, I get a fair few minutes to calm down.

Yep.  I really enjoyed watching Jaime walking towards a castle, the drawbridge to the castle being lowered and Blackfish coming out (all to very dramatic music).  Also, it gives me lots of time to sit and think about the fact that the show runners are shortening the final two seasons of Game of Thrones because there 'isn't enough material' but they're quite happy to waste all this time on nothing.

Deep breath.

Blackfish finally exits the castle for his parley and reminds Jaime of the oath he swore Cat, to bring back her children in exchange for his freedom.  Lucky he did this because everyone, audience and especially Jaime included, had completely forgotten all about this.  Jaime obviously brushes past this but, much like his twin earlier with Olenna, is completely OWNED by the old person.  He even manages to drop the ole 'disappointed in you' trope.  #burn

Meanwhile, back in the Tardis, Jon is now at the Glovers' (he gets around, does our Jon).  

A reference few will understand. #soz

Glover is not having any of this inspirational speech bullshit from earlier and turns them down.  He reminds them that it was the Boltons that saved his castle and family from the Iron Born, no one else, and he's not willing to turn on them now.  Fair play to him.
BUT WAIT.
Sulky Sansa thinks to herself that now is the time to prove herself a better speech maker than Davos.  Luckily, Glover didn't remember her bigamy but she seriously did not count on him being the dramatically Northern speech GOD.  She fails miserably.
They get no help from Glover and we move on rather quickly.

To Slavers' Bay! Where Theon and Yara have arrived!  Already! Of  course!

Oh. Btw, Yara is now into girls.  I can't really work out why they made this choice, except for the fact that they think lesbians are hilarious.  

Yara in this scene is, in essence, what we in the business call a CRAZY PERSON.
She bullies Theon for his abuse and then tells him she'll never hurt him immediately afterwards.  She tells him to pull himself together and stop being the weak guy and be Theon again.  She then forces him to drink over and over again like a weird drinking game you play in uni and tells him to kill himself (note to reader: please don't play this drinking game irl).
But then she's all, OR, you know, don't.  How about you just don't kill yourself, yeah?  Be Theon!  We'll go get Dany and the dragons!  Theon decides you know what, I won't die.  He downs his drink, the two share a tender embrace and she kisses his forehead.  #cute

And, of course, for the finale of this sweet sibling bonding scene, Yara tells us that she's going to 'fuck the tits off' the sex worker she's chosen because… Comedy.

Back to Jon!  Does anyone else get the feeling they filmed these bits and pieces begging the Northerners with the intention for them to be slotted into different episodes to reflect the journey time in between each?  But then they realised that they had other stuff to whack in each episode (like Ramsay attempting to peel an apple and yet another Tyrion pwning Mereen scene) so just popped them all in tonight's episode instead….  Whatever the reason, it doesn't work.

Whatever.

Davos talks to Jon about Stannis and how great he was at the ole military stuff.

Davos.  Don't rub it in that Stannis lost to Ramsay and was just chill in in the woods alone during his big battle.

Don't prove that the writers were wrong and this would never happen because he was a military genius and strategist.

Just.  Don't.  Okay?

Then, Sansa's a proper little princess and is like "oh wow, Davos got 62 men big whoop" when he clearly secured 62 more men than you did you ungrateful bitch.
She has a tantrum but Jon still won't take her advice and so she takes matters into her own hands by writing a letter and sealing it with wax (which immediately disappears in the next shot because WHAT IS CONTINUITY).  It's not a mystery what this is about.  She's clearly running back to Littlefinger for help and I swear, show runners, if you let these two get together I will throw up (I'm not very good at threats).

We return to the wonderful Ian McShane, acting the FUCK out of a character, whoever he's meant to be.  This character is definitely not one I've read but hey ho, if he's helped rehabilitate Sandor, he's alright by me.  He's leading what seems to be a very weird group bonding session in The Cult of the Poorly Maintained Beards and sharing sweet stories of, you know, murdering kids and that.

There's a long pause.

He announces, "it's never too late to come back."

He looks at Sandor.
Sandor looks back.

;)

(I'm seriously running out of cheesy wink gifs so can we cut out these shitty attempts at #foreshadowing please?)

Suddenly, he is RUDELY interrupted by three guys on horses.  They ask if McShane has any horses and he replies no (because Stranger must just have moved on maybe) and he says the same when asked about food and valuable goods.  They move on but Sandor is suspicious because they're from 'The Brotherhood'.
He decides to go and dig graves chop wood to clear his mind.  McShane promises to save him some soup.  Exciting stuff.

Oooh, Arya's back!  And with a jazzy new hairdo.  She luckily bumps into a Westerosi sailor and luckily has a bag of silver with which she can pay him to take her 'home'.  She's excited to be going back tomorrow morning (all smacks a bit of 'last day of retirement' to me…) when she bumps into someone else!  This creepy old woman offers the little girl sweets and none of us are suspicious at all until SUDDEN WAIF ATTACK.

Arya is slashed and stabbed and she manages to wriggle free and throw herself in the river.
The waif watches the water for what she assumes is the appropriate amount of time for someone to drown and then wanders off.  She doesn't need to check Arya's dead.  She doesn't need to take her face for the House of Black and White.

Then Arya pulls herself out of the water, having survived the frenzied attack.  She wanders around Braavos, soaking wet and bleeding to death.  All of the Braavosi stare at her like, 'dying girl?  none of my business…'

SERIOUSLY GUYS

A tiny knife in the back from some little Sand Snake bitch.
This caused instant death to a hulking great big fighting man?
He fell straight down and did not get back up.






But this?

This crazy multiple stabbing on a little girl who is then immersed in water for over a minute isn't serious enough to prevent her from slowly walking away from the scene?

No.  No.  NO.
If Arya dies and is reborn, I hate it.
If she survives and is doing parkour next week like the trailer suggests for waif vengeance, I hate it.

Okay.
Let's just try to get through the finale, yeah?

We go back to the cult and Clegane has just returned from a long evening of chopping wood to discover that he missed the huge massacre that was probably within earshot.  Everyone is dead, including McShane (what a WASTE) and Sandor takes a minute to think about this.
He then grabs his axe and storms off.

Because REVENGE.
REVENGE FOR THE MAN WITH NO NAME

Roll credits.
Kill self.
The end.


Third episode in a row without Ramsay.  This must be killing them.
Also, it was nice to take a break from Tyrion/Mereen/Dany/Daario.
Let's be honest; it was still awful.  But still… No Dany is just lovely.


High Points
Acting from Alfie Allen, Ian McShane, Blackfish and Lyanna Mormont.  You're doing the best with what you're given and I salute you all.
Return of Sandor Clegane because he is a babe <3

Low Points
Everything else?
I can't even specify because I'm too angry.  Sorry.


Summative comment:

Follow me on Twitter for more ramblings (@noneedtomoan)
See you next week.
Only three more to go.