Season Seven, Episode Five - Eastwatch

Hi there all.  Here we are again.  My recaps and reviews for the rest of season seven are here: E1, E2 , E3 and E4 and the podcast I make with my two friends that is currently covering Game of Thrones is here.

But, hey.  More importantly, it's that time again.

Mood.  Always.

Sigh.
I've officially given up.  I'm no longer setting my alarm and getting up at 01:45 to make sure I catch the new episode.  I get up, like normal, and half-watch the episode whilst getting ready.
This may not seem like a big deal to you but, honestly, as someone who has been obsessed with A Song of Ice and Fire for years now, it hurts a little to completely abandon any hope I once had for this TV show to do the books justice.
Well, no.  That's not true.  I lost hope in that a while ago.
Since season five, my only wish has been for the show to be good.  To entertain me.  For the writing to be crafted and thought-through.  For it to be logical.  Tolerable.

"There are a few provisos and a couple of quid pro quos... 

Tyrion will be great, always, time and distance mean nothing now and Dorne? Hahahahahaa

... The more episodes we get, the more I realise this wish is never going to be granted.

Anyway, not to worry.  I'll just find some GIFs to try and keep me calm and cry myself to sleep at night.  What a plan.

Okay then.  Episode Five.  Strap yourselves in; this got weird.

We start back in... The Reach.
You know me, right?  I'm not one to nitpick.  However, let's pretend for one moment that I believe a few things: that the water Bronn pushed Jaime into was actually that deep, despite it being shallow enough for him to ride his horse through mere moments ago, that Jaime's heavy armour didn't weigh him down and make him impossible to pull very far at all and also that Jaime has a hand literally made out of gold...
How did Bronn and Jaime both hold their breaths for this long?  Because, let's be honest, they've made it a fair old way downstream before we see them taking what is presumably their first deep breath after struggling underwater all this time.  It was a huge, gasping breath and Jaime actually throws up some water, so one has to assume that this is them only just resurfacing.  This added to the fact that Dany and her people haven't caught them, implying they must have got pretty far away, is just insanity.
So, according to season seven, when in battle, the best thing to do is just jump into the nearest body of water.  Your enemies will just assume you're dead apparently and not even try to retrieve you.  First Theon, now Jaime and Bronn.

Anyway, they get out of the water and Jaime tells Bronn that they need to be concerned about the dragons.  Bronn is all, "nuh uh, dragons were not part of our deal," which I totally buy as something a sellsword who's changed sides depending on who's paying.  I don't buy it for the hero who ran through fire to get to a crossbow to save a family name he has no connection to and who jumped into a pool of water of unspecified depth to save a man he just lost all his gold for.
I don't get Bronn any more.  Is he in love with Jaime?  I mean, it'd explain a lot.

Presumably just around the corner, Dany and the Dothraki are rounding up the survivors from the battle (not Jaime Lannister though, he's probably dead don't worry about him) to threaten them with death whilst lecturing them about how their current queen will start wars and murder the innocent and also did you know both pots and kettles are black?

VERY WELL.  GIVE THEM CAKE.

I mean, if that wasn't motivation enough, Dany offers them "a choice" (according to Benioff and Weiss in the Inside the Episode): bend the knee or die.  I can't even get into how this is not a choice.  Anything 'or death' is not a choice.
But, more importantly, are we supposed to like Dany here?  Or, like Tyrion, be concerned for her?  Is this use of 'Dracarys' scary and ominous but her other times we're meant to be screaming 'YAAAAS QWEEEN'?  Help am confused.

Anyway, not so surprisingly, most of the soldiers choose life and bend the knee to Dany rather than facing painful death by being burned alive.  However, tough men Tarly Boiz remain standing because... Well honestly no one knows.
Tarly is stubborn, sure, but he did just recently abandon the Tarlys' age hold allegiance with the Tyrells to side with the Lannisters but that new loyalty apparently runs real deep.  He goes all Brexit again and tells Dany he can't bend the knee to her because she's not from round these parts, basically.
She wasn't "born in Westeros" (*cough* we were literally told last week that she was born at Dragonstone *cough*) so how can he trust her?
Then Dickon gets awkward and is like, but he stood up so now I kind of have to stay stood up...  His dad tells him to kneel but he refuses and, yeah, Dany kills them.  (I guess we'll never know how he felt about Sam stealing the ancestral sword, huh?  Another random story popped in there for no reason.)
Tyrion is obviously seriously peturbed by all of this burning malarkey and wants her to offer the Night's Watch or any other type alternative because his moral compass always points due North -

#neverforget

Right, in all seriousness, the writers' aim on this show has always been to show Tyrion in a favourable light, and that's fine; he's obviously their favourite character, they're perfectly entitled to change the show to fit around him BUT they do seem to be obsessed with making every storyline revolve around him.  This is Dany's plotline, right?  HER fight to become Queen of the Seven Kingdoms?  Then why, in every important scene we've had of her, is Tyrion the focus?
When we first get a proper scene of Dany at Dragonstone, we get Tyrion and Varys explaining to her that she was born in a storm.  When it comes time for her to reveal her big plans for attack, it turns out Tyrion has made all the decisions and it's him explaining the tactics at every given opportunity (including a hugely unnecessary voiceover describing the entire battle).  When she was about to die at the hands of Jaime, we get an emotional close up of Tyrion, calling him an idiot.  When she's making stupid violent powerful political decisions in The Reach, we get close ups of Tyrion's moral struggle to accept her choice.  Not to mention all the times she's looked to Tyrion for permission before making big decisions.

I'm honestly bored of the Tyrion Too Pure For This World But Also Very Smart And Great At Plans act now and I'd just like to see the main characters of each plotline be back in charge of their own stories.  Please.

Sorry.  Back to the episode.  Dany leaves Tyrion to probably just walk back or maybe just ride in the lap of Dothraki (I'm imagining there's no blacksmith at Dragonstone to make his special equipment to help him ride a horse?) and flies Drogon back home.  She bumps into Jon and OMG HE TOUCHES HIS FACE WHAAAAAT
We get an amazing, emotion-filled close up of Dany as she realises her beau, her betrothed, her lover, her nephew Jon is super into dragons too:

Tbh I've just been waiting to be able to use this GIF <3

On a serious note, dear show watchers - do you know what significance this has?  Do you know who Jon is?  Or why that's important?  I'm not trying to be patronising, I swear; I am genuinely intrigued if this has been conveyed effectively.  I can't help but feel that this has been hugely underexplained.  It's this HUGE spoiler and yet, since they showed some baby's face fading into Jon's, nothing's been said about it.  Lots of clunky references to him not being a Stark and actually being a Targaryen but the relationship just ignored and confusing.
Sigh.  All the backstory we get that is so unnecessary and yet this is just avoided.

Speaking of unnecessary, remember when Jorah got greyscale?
Was there a point to that?  What was gained?  What did this do to the plot of the show?  Was there anything that happened because of this storyline or was it just another pointless addition?  Sam could have done a multitude of things to get himself in trouble.  Jorah could've been sent off on some other stupid meaningless task.
Gah.  I mean, he didn't even find a cure; he happened upon an acolyte willing to risk his place at the Citadel to peel the bad stuff off (because greyscale is cured by just taking off the top layer of skin).

Anyway, Jorah is back now.
The Dothraki escort him in.  Because the Dothraki are back.  An entire hoarde has managed to march from the Reach and sail across to Dragonstone in the same amount of time it's taken Dany to ride Drogon there.  Uh huh.  Seems legit.

But yeah lol he's still friendzoned because that's the most important facet of their relationship.

Omg I haven't even done Winterfell yet and I'm already so mad.
So, by the weirwood tree, Bran is using a flock of ravens (why so many, Bran?  Just use one three eyed one bbz) to have a nosey beyond the Wall (remember there?  There's a shit tonne of White Walkers walking in slow motion towards Westeros over there).  Anyway, it turns out that there's a shit tonne of White Walkers walking towards Westeros over there and we're all like

And Bran decides it's time to send some ravens.  So he just wargs into some ravens again and sends them to the various locations he needs the news to travel tells his maester to write out the messages.

Cut back to Dragonstone, where Tyrion and Varys are discussing how Dany would be an amazing queen if she just stopped making decisions and let them control every aspect of her rule. #feminism
Anyway, the maester's super time travelling raven has reached already and Varys tells Tyrion he hasn't read it because it's just for the eyes of Jon but it says about the White Walkers if you must know.  Hahhahaahahahahahah he said he didn't read it but he did #comedy
They hand this over to Jon, who discusses it with Dany and wants to go fight.  She won't give him permission to leave so there may be some conflict here--

Oh no, it's okay Tyrion has a plan.  Again.  Rehash what has already been done with Alliser Thorne and the wight's hand Go and capture one White Walker and bring it back 'alive' to show to Cersei.  Then, they can all band together and fight the common enemy.
Wow, Tyrion is bad at plans.

Of course we're back in King's Landing again because it's been far too long since we saw Cersei.  She won't believe that they're losing, nor will she take an elderly woman's deathbed confession to her son's murder.  Fair.

King's Landing got me like

Anyway, because what even is logic anymore, Davos and Tyrion are landing outside the Red Keep.  In broad daylight.  Davos tells him not to worry about being spotted; the Gold Cloaks don't come down here anymore because there's too many steps... K.

They split up, with Tyrion going to the skull room to meet with Jaime.  Bronn has apparently set this up, convincing Jaime that he's actually just going training.

Okay.  What?
How much time has passed between Tyrion coming up with this plan and him managing to co-ordinate this with Bronn?  HOW did he organise this with Bronn?  Secret mobile phones?  Landlines?  Fax machines?  Pagers?  How would he get a raven directly to a sellsword who hangs out with Jaime without it going through Qyburn?  WHAT THE FUCK?

Regardless of the implausibility of this entire scene, Jaime is obviously upset with Tyrion and has no time for his 'wah, wah, my dad hated me' thing.  Neither do I, Jaime.  I hear you.
WHAT WAS THE POINT IN THIS SCENE?

Jaime goes to tell Cersei everything that happened right away because they're so in love and tell each other everything.  But she already knew!  How, you ask?  Pregnancy telepathy!  Yep.  She's pregnant.  He's the father and that's what she's going to tell everyone: that she's pregnant with the bastard child of her own brother.

I obviously have a lot of questions but I can't tell if I even care anymore.

... Yep.  I do.
What happened to her belief in the prophecy?  I know they broke it for her black haired Baratheon babe but is this it being broken again?  Does she even care about it anymore?  Is the valonqar even a thing in the show?  Are they trying to seed some sort of conflict between the two of them?  By having them embrace in the knowledge that they're going to be parents again?  What's her plan with Euron?  Is he supposed to just be okay with this?

Meanwhile, over in Fleabottom, we get a ridiculous amount of fan service that is so disappointing I can't even fathom it.  Yep.  It's the moment we've all known has been coming all season.  Gendry's back.  He's working as a blacksmith for the Lannister army.

UGHHH
No.  What?  This was the best place for him?!
No...  Probs not mate.  He's been handcrafting a war hammer, with the Baratheon stag on it, whilst working for the Lannisters.  And he hasn't got caught.
Okay.  Well, to reiterate: no...
But, even if he had managed to go without being caught for this long, what's with the sudden Baratheon obsession?  He didn't know his dad.  He had no relationship with him.  His association with the Baratheon name has brought him nothing but horrific events.  Why would he have a connection with him?  Why would he model himself after the dad he never knew?

We don't get the answers to any of these questions because there is apparently no time - after Davos makes a quick, 'ooh thought you'd still be rowing' *wink wink* (ARRGGGHH OMG I HATE THIS SHOW) joke to the audience, it's time they were getting back to the boat.  Back on the beach, Davos bribes some Gold Cloaks with a ridiculous amount of gold dragons and then shows that they're innocent because they have fermented crab.

Remember disguises?

That all worked really well until the guards see Tyrion just wandering out from the steps they never venture down because apparently Tyrion can't hide or wear a hood anymore or anything.   He's literally the most wanted man in Westeros but who cares about hiding anymore, right?
Gendry bashes their skulls in with the hammer and we all scream YAAAAAAS GENDRY GET IT or maybe just shake our heads in despair.

Then they're back in Dragonstone and Davos tells Gendry to keep quiet about who he is but SURPRISE HE TELLS JON SO THEY CAN BE BEST FRIENDS

I understand what they're going for here and, despite myself, I do feel some things because all I want is Ned and Robert and season one back.

These feelings swiftly disappear when they make clunky references to the scene pictured to the left.  I just wish the writers would let us make links ourselves and not have to spell everything out for us.  It's painful.  Sigh.  By the time all of these horrifically heavy-handed throwbacks are done, Gendry has agreed to go Beyond the Wall with Jon and Jorah.


There's a fun awkward goodbye, when Jorah proves he definitely doesn't have greyscale by snogging Dany's hand (this is genuinely the FOURTH time they've said goodbye), and then they really, really try and ramp up the sexual tension between Jon and Dany but it's all just forced and... meh.  I don't feel it.  Beyond disappointing.

Sam overhears the maesters reading Bran's letter in The Citadel and decides to weigh in because of course Sam can talk to his superiors like this.  He tries to persuade them to take the threat seriously but they're having none of it.  Cut to: wherever Sam and Gilly live and Gilly is reading random facts to him to try and cheer him up (more steps talk?) and she just happens to drop a bombshell.

Let me get this straight:  an annulment was issued to Prince Rhaegar Targaryen so he could get married him to somebody else.  An annulment.  After they've been married for years.  And have legitimate heirs to the throne (so, you know, it's been consummated).  This is not how annulments work.  In any world.
Again -- show watchers, is this not the most boring bit of backstory ever?  Why would you care?  DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO RHAEGAR IS?
I know I was moaning about them not seeding Jon's backstory but do they think this helps?  Who would catch this except bookreaders?  This is ridiculous.

In case you are confused:
Gendry could claim he is the rightful heir to the throne as he is the last surviving son of King Robert Baratheon, who usurped the throne from Aerys Targaryen.
Dany could claim she's the rightful heir to the throne as she is the last surviving daughter of the Mad King Aerys Targaryen.
Jon could claim he is the rightful heir to the throne as he is the last surving son of Prince Rhaegar Targaryen (boys > girls in the futile system).

And now, omg, they're all in the same place omgggg what such writing many skills very coincedence

Whatever, Sam ignores this and goes and steals a few scrolls/books that he suddenly knows are the important ones.  He takes these, along with Baby Sam That Is Still Inexplicably A Baby and Gilly and legs it.  We're not sure where to.  Or why.  But off he pops.

Ugh, back in Winterfell, Sansa is having the Northern Lords complain to her about the lack of Jon.  Why?  You knew where he was going, promised to remain loyal...  As much as I hate Show Sansa atm, she did handle this in the right way.  She wasn't overly supportive of him, no, but she did her job of leading Winterfell and keeping the peace.  And then, just as I was complimenting Sansa, she winds me right up by saying that they can't sit and wait for Jon forever.  Like Ghost.  Oh Sansa.  Oh, don't even.
Why are the writers going so weird and meta this season?  Is it explicitly to upset me?  I feel more and more personally victimised with every episode.

Arya be like

Arya, meanwhile, is weird and creepy and staring at Sansa and decides that they should just behead everyone -- what?  Does this make sense?  At all?
Anyway, she sneakily sneaks to follow sneaky Littlefinger and sneakily sees that he's being sneaky.  He, however, out-sneaks her and plants a letter that Sansa wrote whilst being held hostage by Cersei.  Very sneaky Littlefinger, well done on the sneaks.  You were much sneakier than sneaky Arya who literally just stood out in the open, staring at you and hoping you wouldn't turn around.
Gah, just kill him already.  This is worse than Olly.

I was about to say thank God it's nearly over but bleurgh we have to go to Eastwatch first.
Jon, Jorah and Gendry go meet up with Tormund, who is confused about which queen they support now and why Jon keeps putting all the expendable wildlings in harm's way.  Then, they go down to the cells and they're storing some more fan service in there: The Hound, Beric and Thoros.  Gendry helpfully reminds the audience that he hates the Brotherhood because they sold him to Mel.  They all put their pasts aside, though, and walk out into the snow as one big happy family.

Show fans after today's episode

And, just like that, it's over.
Anyone else feel like SO MUCH is happening and yet nothing is really happening at all?


High Points:

• Erm
• Maybe
• The bit where I pretended it was Season One?
• Lena Headey just constantly smashing everything

Low Points:

• Lack of thorough explanation of R+L=J
• Random unnecessary storylines: Jorah's greyscale, Heartsbane being stolen, Cersei's prophecy
• Meta moments: Davos' rowing comment, Sansa's mention of Ghost
• The fact it's now The Tyrion Show ft. Dragons

Summative Comment:

Follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness @noneedtomoan

And, if you would like to hear a more balanced recap of the episodes or just hear me argue with my friends, who like Game of Thrones, just a reminder to go and listen to our new podcast, She, Herself and Guy.  Our recap on will be out by Friday night.

Stay strong, guys.  We can do this.

Season Six, Episode Five

Hang on to your hats.  This is a biggie.

#characterprogression #callbacks

We start with Sansa who, whilst sewing, receives a letter.  How this letter has come to be delivered directly to her (the wax seal is not broken) is a mystery; she has no power at The Wall.  I know there isn't a Lord Commander atm, but why is this scroll being handed directly to her? #logic

Anyway, she goes to Molestown to meet Littlefinger, who is officially back in control of his teleporter, thank God.  How can the writers be expected to force storylines without the ability to send Littlefinger anywhere, anytime?

Anyway, this scene is basically Sansa saying what we were all screaming on a weekly basis last season: in what universe was it a good idea to make her marry Ramsay?  We don't get an answer though, just some awkward af dialogue.  Before he leaves, he manages to heavy-handedly crowbar in a few plot points - like the Vale knights being at Moat Caitlin for some reason (their jet packs must be more powerful than Littlefinger's) and the fact that Blackfish has only just taken Riverrun.

Enough actual plot!  We need to see Arya being whacked with the sticks again.  She's beaten by the waif AGAIN until holy shit Arya's an acrobat/wrestler/breakdancer now and so she's rewarded fo this move by being allowed back into the face room and being given an actual mission.
Whilst watching the play, I couldn't help but feel like the writing was about as accurate about the events in King's Landing as D&D's version of ASOIAF.  And then, because we weren't heart broken enough, they drop in a fucking Winds of Winter reference.
They follow this up with a full frontal shot of penis.  Penis and boobs.
Sigh.
Arya is obviously staring directly at her intended target and not being spotted...  She goes to see Jaqen (WHO IS STILL WEARING THE SAME FACE FOR NO REASON), makes it clear that this target doesn't seem to deserve death and he just tells her she's on her last chance.

NB: This entire scene was a chronic waste of Richard E. Grant.

Then, Bran is in another vision and gets to see the Children of the Forest (who are all women...? #feminism) creating the Others by killing a man with dragonglass.  I assume that's the Night's King... Interesting.  No strong feelings about this bit yet.  Soon.

Oh, dear. Pyke.  The Kingsmoot. NO.

Okay.  Let's have a crack at it.
So, to clarify, according to the show, we're having this Kingsmoot because 'it's the law'.  Nothing to do with different people vying for the throne.  No mention of heirs or lack of them.  It's just, you know, the thing they do.  Just wanted to clarify that.

Yara is apparently the only person to put herself forward for the throne because there must be no other families in the Iron Islands (is this feeling a little too much like a repeat of Dorne to anyone else?)   Someone starts shouting for Theon (it's not important who - who cares about Iron born families?  There aren't even any!  SHUT UP) as he's Balon's heir and this... This I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.

The Kingsmoot is 'the law' - this means that heirs are null and void.  How can Theon now be considered an heir when he wasn't before?  Someone's said something about it being because he doesn't have a penis?  But now the Iron born still see him as an heir?
You can't have it both ways: Theon either is or isn't an heir and the Kingsmoot either is or isn't the standard law.

Anyway, Theon, after inhaling a bunch of helium, does a little speech about how he can't sit on the Seastone Chair Salt Throne (vom) and how great Yara would be and all seems to be looking up for the plucky duo when SUDDEN EURON.
Everyone's surprised (apparently Euron is sick at Pyke Hide and Seek), well, everyone except Yara, who inexplicably guesses that Balon was murdered and that rope bridge wasn't just dangerous as all holy fuck.

It wouldn't be my first choice for an evening stroll.

Euron, being the crazy character that he is, admits to kinslaying (why not?) and gets elected king by shouting some stuff about fleets (which will take AGES) and going to get Dany and having a huge cock and more HILARIOUS, classic iron born stuff.  Then, even though he's previously declared that he is not religious (in fact, he thinks he IS the Drowned God. And the Storm.  And everything else), and despite it not being part of the Kingsmoot ritual in any way, shape or form, and, although Aeron hates Euron and would never endorse him as King of the Iron Islands, Aeron Damphair drowns him anyway.  #logic
His body is then dragged ashore and just watched.  I mean, it's not like resuscitation has any part in this ritual.  Gods, no.  It actually turns out that Euron was right and he IS the Drowned God because he totally survives this drowning without any help from anyone and therefore must be immortal.  Good to know.
He gets a rubbish driftwood crown and then is all like OH SHIT WHERE ARE MY NIECE AND NEPHEW because immortal god or not, you don't restrain your rebellious relatives when you're about to drowned in order to get the crown.  He notices they've taken all the boats (it's not really explained WHO is helping them because there certainly were not enough people, even if everyone from the Kingsmoot helped, and they didn't because they voted for Euron) Then he's just like, meh, let's build new boats and then we can totes murder them.

Obviously D&D are in no rush to get back to the Iron Islands now the only characters they care about are gone and we'll presumably see Euron in a few seasons when his character is reintroduced just to be killed off.  It's the Iron Born way.  #whatisdeadmayneverdie #carefulnow #thisishowDornebegan

Then it's off to Vaes Dothrak.
Is it just me that would love to see the aftermath of last week?

- How long is appropriate to stand naked in front of a bowing crowd?
- At what point do you ask someone to lend you a coat?
- Was there some sort of rousing speech?  What was said?  What language was it said in?  How did they all react?
- Did Dany address the fact that she used dark magic?  How did she the witch-hating Dothraki that that was okay?
- Did she apologise for killing all the kahls?
- Was there even a hint of rebellion or was everyone just on her side?

Did she give specific details about her demands?

"I'm your queen now.  I will require a brand new outfit and a white horse because I only ride white horses and I better be the only one with a white horse but hey just be patient I have dragons I swear you'll see them honest also I won't use magic again the two times I've used it I've proved I'm immortal so won't be doing it again"

Sorry.
You may be able to tell that I genuinely cba with Dany scenes now so, instead of trying to deal with them, I'm just going to ask her some questions about Jorah:
- How exactly did he save your life this time?  Did he make you and your hair fireproof?
- Why do you suddenly love him again?  Why is this the first proper display of emotion you've shown in a looooooooong time and it's aimed at JORAH?
- Why can't you touch him, when he definitely touched you in Season Five Episode Nine?  You then went on to hold hands with Missandei and neither of you have greyscale, so his version isn't even contagious, is it?

 

Don't worry about sending him away.  His version's fine.

#continuity

Ugh.

To Mereen!  Tyrion takes centre stage, of course, and it's all rather dull. The Red Priestess proper loves dragons and is announcing that Dany is now the one who was promised or some nonsense while we all wonder what her necklace means and when she's going to get her boobs out.  I didn't like how her knowing Varys' story rattles him; he knows better than anyone that anything can be overheard and you can get information from anyone if you want it...  YOU WERE THE MASTER OF WHISPERS VARYS, GET A GRIP.

Four horsemen still. Goin' strong. #continuity

Bran, meanwhile, is super bored watching an old man sleep in a tree so decides to go on a little trip unescorted.  He finds all the Others and the four horsemen, one of whom Jon definitely killed at Hardhome and also didn't Sam have a good ole crack at one too?
The 'Night King' decides to grab him.  Now his mark is on Bran's skin, he can find them and Bloodraven is MAD because he can get in their cave now and basically oooooh shit they're in trouble now so they all just better go.

Speaking of shit, The Wall gang are having a lovely chat about strategy and how they haven't a hope in hell of taking back the Night North (sorry -- forgot that unJon no longer cares about the battle that could end the human race because he's a Stark now).

Sansa is dead wise and it legit looks like there may be a strong woman in Game of Thrones at last.

True, it's come out of nowhere.

It's not in keeping with the rest of her story arc...
It seems like she's getting rewarded for being raped?
She's just jumped back to Darth Sansa from Season Four, when she was all plotting and secretive and flirty with Littlefinger.

Actually, come to think of it, there's been no actual development of character to show how she has become this strong, independent woman, who just goes round being rescued and having to ask permission to take a knight into her service and having to be reminded of the words of the knight's vow because women are just stupid really and need men (or big Brienne) to guide/protect them.

Even if you try to get past all that...
She is saying some words and they do mean some things but, in reality, it's all wrong.
Sansa, why would the Northern Lords help you now?  They wouldn't help you when you were being raped by a man whose dad helped kill the Stark King in the North.  Why now does the Stark name mean something to Northerners?  It hasn't for a while.
Even if it did, Jon's a Snow and you're a Lannister Bolton.  The Umbers and Boltons have the last known Stark.  Why would Northern Lords betray them for you?

She then lies to Jon about how she knows about her uncle having just taken Riverrun.  (NB: Apparently, in the Inside the Episode it was implied that Sansa lied about getting the info from LF because a part of her is not ready to let go of him yet.  Gross.)  She thinks it's a good idea to work with him, despite him having only just taken Riverrun and probably not being in a position of strength right now.
The only army that could work well with them right now is from the Vale and Sansa decides not to mention them.  REASONS.
Also, she decides to tell Brienne to go to the Riverlands because she's about to go into a huge battle so why would she need a bodyguard? #sistersaredoingitforthemselves
Oh and she's super amazing at embroidery now for no reason.

Sansa has been turned into an idiot.  And they're trying to pass it off as feminism.

 (The only way I could work through the pain was to show my emotions through my <3, John Oliver.  It helped a bit.  

Not enough.)

Anyway, Sansa &Co decide to leave The Wall and go get warm, presumably.  Jon tells Edd to look after the wall and not let it fall down or some nonsense and we all die from exposure to #obviousforeshadowing.
Oh, and also Edd is Lord Commander now because who needs an election?  Maybe it's the law to have a Kingsmoot when the previous Lord Commander has been resurrected.  If only Sam was around to read the books to us and let us know.

And then, the moment we all knew was coming (if we'd read the leaked spoilers and got lost into many a subreddit before watching the episode ourselves... Just me?)
In The Cave, Meera and Hodor are slowly packing to go home and happily talking about eggs.  Bran and Bloodraven have decided to go have another vision together, for old times' sake.
BUT WHY IS NO ONE PANICKING?
The Nights' King not only knows exactly where you are but can totally get in and kill you all.  Shouldn't you be legging it?  WHY ARE YOU HAVING A VISION RN?  IS IT REALLY NECESSARY?

Also, Bran's vision is legit so dull - there is no point to the story other than the fact that Young Hodor ('Wyllis') is there.  Bloodraven and Bran literally stand there in silence and watch the boring scene whilst all hell is about to break loose in the cave...

(NB: According to my Twitter sources, D&D addressed this on the Inside the Episode, which I refuse to watch for fear of damaging my TV in a rage, by saying that BR and Bran went for a lil vision because BR wanted to 'upload all his info' into Bran.  They just decided not to tell us this for REASONS.  I hate them so much.)
(Also: I've read some theories that say that Bloodraven wanted all of this to happen for REASONS and, honestly, I think I hate this idea even more)

Meera's spidey senses tingle and tell her to run outside.  Once she does, she sees all the Others coming for them.  She desperately tries to get Bran to wake up, which he won't do, and massively scares Hodor.  As Leaf and Meera start to fight the first wave (read: 'shittest fighters') of Others, she tells Bran to warg into Hodor because they need him.  Bran hears this and wargs into Hodor, whilst remaining in the vision itself.  Bloodraven says something about it being time.

Hodor (being controlled by Bran) smashes up some Others and they manage to get Bran on the sled and begin to run away.  The Others, inevitably catch up and, after some Leaf grenade action (oh, Bloodraven's dead btw, did I mention that?), they get to the door BECAUSE OF COURSE THERE IS A DOOR ON THE CAVE THE CHILDREN OF THE FOREST ARE OBV CARPENTERS WHO HATE DRAUGHTS.

They manage to get out and Meera drags Bran away.  She leaves Hodor (still, presumably, being controlled by Bran) to 'Hold the Door' and repeatedly shouts this as he is basically ripped apart by the Others.  This affects Hodor in the past (and Bran, whilst controlling Hodor, can see this), who subsequently has a fit.

He shouts 'Hold the Door' over and over until it becomes 'Hodor' and it's all he can say and he dies and we all die with him. #feels

Now.  This was all very action-y and cinematic and exciting but people seemed to have interpreted this as Hodor sacrificing his life, and sanity his entire past life, for Bran but he didn't really have a choice, did he?

Bran was making Hodor's body do this.

Credit: @TommenGoogling

I always hated the passages in the books when Bran warged into him as it always said that it terrified Hodor, who seemed to 'cower' in a corner of his own mind whilst Bran controlled him.  Imagine cowering away in your mind like that, with no power over your actions, whilst someone killed you in order to save themselves. </3

Don't get me wrong, I have no beef with the 'Hold the Door' theory itself - it's one I've read before - but, admittedly, I didn't see it playing out like this.  I always assumed that the pain of having Bran's power was that you had to live with seeing events from the past, without being able to affect any of them.  I'm open to this new theory but, as someone who personally does not enjoy time travel stories and plot lines, I'm not sold on it as of right now.

I also think it was incredibly unnecessary to wait an entire season of not having Bran &Co only to kill Summer and Hodor on their return.  Can't help but feel this could've been done sooner for the same effect.


I know, I know, "but the filming" "the visuals", "the score", "the acting" of this scene and everything... I get it.  I watched it with some Unsullied and they bloody loved it (hence why I normally watch alone) and, for the first time in a long time, I can get why you may feel that way on first watch.  It's exciting.  It's...  I can see why you think that it is done well.  And it's not even that I'm annoyed they're killing off characters anymore -- you come to expect it.


It's just utter bullshit.


High Points
The return of Littlefinger's teleporter
Children of the Forest creating the Others

Low Points
Same old same old -- The lack of continuity and LOGIC in general


1 point for the CotF creating the White Walkers scene
1 point for Jorah's non-contagious greyscale
1 point for mentioning Brynden Tully
1 point for the Children of The Forest's carpentry classes coming in handy
1 point for the visuals in the final Die Hard scene
Minus 2 for the deaths of Hodor and Summer
Minus 2 for the Kingsmoot

1/10

I'm dreading next week.

I'll be livetweeting at 2am.
I'm trying to tweet a lot more, actually.  Find me @noneedtomoan!
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