Season Seven, Episode Three - The Queen's Justice

Boy oh boy does the week go fast when you don't want Sunday to come around.

Reviews for the previous two episodes are here: E1 and E2 and the podcast I make with my two friends that is currently covering Game of Thrones is here.

Check 'em out!

Episode Three, you guys!

And, before we even start this week, I've got something to say and I'm just going to have to broach it right off the bat:

The timings in this episode are baffling to me.  

  

I understand that there are only seven episodes in this season (a limit the writers have imposed upon themselves) and so time can't really be wasted on watching people make journeys etc.  I disagree but fine.  Let's pretend I don't.

Even so, shouldn't the storylines make sense together in the same episode?  People are travelling at the speed of light (e.g. Euron getting from attacking Yara presumably near Dragonstone, back to King's Landing and to Casterly Rock within one episode) and I'm apparently in the wrong for bringing it up, whatever, but another issue stemming from it is that your other timelines suddenly fall apart (e.g. The Unsullied getting to Casterly Rock just before Euron's fleet turns up, even though The Unsullied left Dragonstone last episode and yet Euron's had time to do double that journey's length in one episode).  

It causes unnecessary confusion when you have storylines that seem out of sync with one another - perhaps we're not seeing them in choronological order or they're overlapping etc, come up with as many excuses for sloppy writing as you want, but I just don't think this technique is working.  I'm finding it increasingly distracting, especially when time is mentioned and I think to myself, 'Remember that Cersei said to the Iron Bank she'd have his money in two weeks, that will seem stupid in comparison to how far and fast Jaime travels in a moment'.  

So, yeah, I'm not going to go on about timings or timelines or teleportation this week because I feel like people, especially show fans, hate it when I do.  This argument is me being 'picky' or 'ridiculous' and, although I don't understand why, I know when I'm beat so this is me officially backing off ranting about the time stuff in Game of Thrones.  

However, this blog post, I will be highlighting any times I laughed out loud at the timeline during Episode Three, whether it was a journey that was too fast, too slow or just completely clashing with another.  

I'm sorry.  This is my compromise.

Right.

We kick off in Dragonstone, where Jon and Davos are arriving.  Already.

Tyrion and Jon do the whole thing where they pretend for a second that there's beef between them but then they break the tension with jokes about them being bastards and dwarves and everyone laughs.  Introductions are made and they are taken to meet the queen.  On the way, Davos makes awkward small talk with Missandei and Jon and Tyrion talk about how great Tyrion and Sansa are.  

Then, Jon says he's not a Stark and a dragon swoops in and interrupts him.  Melisandre and Varys have a moment where she refuses to see Jon and also seemingly threatens Varys with death in 'this land'.  Then, the big moment, Jon and Dany meet!  There's tension!  There's length introductions!  There's unnecessary backstory!
It's left with Dany getting the Dothraki servants (?) to draw their guests/prisoners baths.

Cool.

"Wow, that was quite a succinct synopsis you made about Dragonstone there, thanks for not going on about details literally no one cares about!" - You, just now, probably

Have you learned nothing at all?

Questions:

1) Has Jon genuinely just brought Davos with him?  That's it?  How is he going to mine for dragonglass with two people?  How is he going to successfully transport it back?  How dangerous is this?  Did he not feel like he wanted any more allies alongside him when meeting a dangerous, potentially mad woman he's committed treason against with dragons and a hoarde of Dothraki?  Who imposed this limit on people?  Dany may have asked him to bend the knee but probably didn't expect him to show up in person.  She definitely didn't say he was only allowed one guest.

2) Where is winter?  People are BARE ARMED.  I'm not even bare armed atm and it's July.  And not Westeros.  

3) Davos.  Your son was murdered in the Battle of Blackwater Bay.  Because of the wildfire that was Tyrion's doing.  It's his fault your son is dead.  When you meet him properly, is your adverb of choice regarding you being on opposite sides during this battle genuinely "unluckily"?  UNLUCKILY?!  A MAN IS DEAD, DAVOS.  YOUR SON.  Why are you not saying anything to Tyrion?  Is this the Shireen thing all over again?  What have the writers done to you, oh dear sweet Onion Knight?

4) We have four episodes left this season.  Rumour has it that next week's is 47 minutes.  47.  How many minutes did we waste on Davos awkwardly saying shit because it's funny?  (Don't get me wrong, it is quite endearing but... WTF USE OF TIME IS THIS?)

5) Does Tyrion accept the marriage with Sansa is over?  Even though a High Septon never reversed the marriage, as law/religion states they have to?

6) Did the writers think the dragons swooping in and causing Jon to duck at the exact moment he announced he wasn't a Stark was cool symbolism?  I feel sick.

7)  Why doesn't Melisandre want to see Jon?  Why does she threaten Varys?  Where else did Varys think he was going to die?  What was this scene and why did I enjoy it?

8)  What does having a Flea Bottom accent have to do with anything, Davos?  No one mentioned it mate.

9)  Is Dany meant to be being purposefully contradictory when she demands Jon Snow keep his ancestors' oath but demands that he doesn't judge her for her father's past actions?  WHICH IS IT DANY?

10)  "You could storm King's Landing tomorrow and it would fall" - Ser Davos.  Why is this not happening?  Don't tell me it's about not wanting to kill innocent people when she's allowing her dragons to continue to fly off the chains and presumably gorge on small children and she's planning on starving out the capital (aka all of the poor people).  

11)  Why does Dany not even acknowledge the White Walkers and instead launch into a huge monologue about her life story?

12)  When was it decided not to tell people about the resurrection?  First, Mel knew not to tell Dany last week - how? - and now Davos knows he's said too much when Jon gives him the look.  Why would he not want Dany to know about the resurrection?  If he didn't die, then his Watch isn't ended and he's a deserter, right?  So he shouldn't be proclaiming himself King in the North.  The Northern Lords should be beheading him right now.

13) Was Varys' fake whispering meant to be the funniest thing I've seen so far in season 7?
14)  Why is Jon waiting to bring up dragonglass when it's literally the only reason he travelled to Dragonstone in the first place?  What is he waiting for?  There were plenty of lulls in conversation that he could've slipped it in, mainly when talking about the White Walkers and how to defeat them.  Maybe focusing less on how Dany 'needs' him and more on his need for her help would've created a better reaction here.

Me RE: Dragonstone plotholes

Meanwhile, maybe at the same time, maybe not, Theon is hauled out of the ocean and onto a surviving Ironborn ship.  They know all about Yara's capture, not really sure how, and OMG I can't even with Alfie Allen this season.  He is acting his bloody face off, to the point that I'm half compelled by Theon's story, even if it is utter nonsesne

Also at the same time probably, Euron has made it back to King's Landing.  

He pulls his 'gifts' through the street and, wow, the commoners are super into Euron and Cersei, even after Olenna said last week that Cersei was very unpopular and also after Cersei did that thing that was pretty extreme and probably would've turned some people against her... 

You know the thing I mean.  

You would think people would be mad about it, especially considering even Hot Pie knew Cersei was responsible for it, last episode when he spoke to Arya.  If it's common knowledge, how would there not be a revolt?  Or at least some small faction of people not 100% on board with what's happening right now?  But now, everyone in King's Landing has shown up to cheer Euron's (and, subsequently, Cersei's) victory.

Alas no, Cersei's popularity is still a-ok and Euron has only helped matters.  

He presents his 'gifts' (Ellaria and Tyene) to Cersei, who promises he'll get his reward (wink wink) once the war is over.  She is absurdly into this.  In a real sick and twisted way (cannot praise Lena Headey enough for this whole episode).  

Oh, after saying some ridiculous sex stuff to Jaime to wind him up and let him know that he knows about the incest (who doesn't mate?), Euron immediately leaves btw.  There's seemingly no debriefing or meeting to catch him up with what future plans are.  He just bolts out of the throne room with his men... keeping Yara?  I don't understand her value as a prisoner at all.  

Then it cuts to the dungeons, where the 'gifts' are being held captive.  The Mountain (that poor actor, having to be hired to just stand inside that suit of armour all day, how boring) is in the room too, just to make things that teeny bit more horrific.  Cersei's wearing lipstick, which is weird, and monologuing for a LOOOONG time about how close she was to her daughter (I swear she's probably said her name all of four times in seven years) and all her death fantasies.  Seriously, as great as Lena Headey is here, this scene is about four minutes too long and really unnecessarily drawn out.  Obviously, Cersei kisses Tyene and tells Ellaria that she has to watch her daughter die like Myrcella (although Myrcella died quickly in Jaime's arms...)

Phew.  Thank God that gross stuff is all over.

NO WAIT CERSEI JAIME SEX SCENE FIRST

So, we finally see the golden hand at last, which is basically the best bit of this entire scene.  Cersei bursts in, all hot and bothered from grotesquely cruel murder, and starts kissing Jaime.  He definitely says no and then she continues kissing him, which leads to some sexual acts being performed and a whole load of Nikolai arse being seen.  

Now, this 'no' line feels incredibly purposeful after the scandal a few years ago where they rewrote a book scene to make consensual sex rape.  The director of the now long-forgotten scene tried to stand by it, claiming it was "consensual by the end" (probably the most disgusting quote I've ever written, and I write Game of Thrones reviews), despite Cersei's last word of the scene being "stop".  I am not saying this scene is on the same level as that one but it's an interesting choice to make, given how this sort of sex scene went down last time.  It almost feels like a giant 'fuck you' to anyone who dared speak out against the writers' use of rape within the show previously.  I do not feel anywhere near qualified enough to analyse this scene and 'no' in more detail but I just wanted to draw some comparisons here.  Now I'll move on.

What really gets me is Jaime still being into Cersei.  Supposedly.  She blew up the sept.  She told him she didn't care about the children.  Tommen betrayed her and they're all dead anyway.  The show seeded relationship issues with them SEASONS ago and yet everything seems fine, to the point where Cersei is happy for people to know about the two of them.  I mean... What?  I don't get it.

Anyway, after Cersei's unashamed showing off of her incestuous sex, she meets with the Iron Bank.  Wow.  Of all the forgotten plotlines, I think Iron Bank was the one fans were least invested in.  Great work, Game of Thrones.  Cersei tells your man Mycroft she has no money but she'll get it in two weeks.  Hey, quick q, if she has no money, how's she been buying her entire KingsQueensguard jazzy new black armour?
Also, she explicitly mentions how much money the Iron Bank of Braavos will have lost due to Dany freeing the slaves.  Okay.  Quick history lesson: both the A Song of Ice and Fire and Game of Thrones fandoms explain that Braavos was founded by former slaves, looking to build a new city safe from slavers:

"Braavos is one of the very few places in Essos where slavery is not practiced [...] In many ways this matches how Braavosi society is described in the novels: founded by a diverse mixture of escaped slaves from the Valyrian Freehold, Braavos is strongly opposed to the slave trade, and has no hereditary nobles or kings" - Game of Thrones Wiki page on Braavos

Game of Thrones.  You're telling me the Iron Bank of Braavos actively funds slavers?  No, you can talk to me all you want about bankers making investments in anything and not caring but I don't buy this at all.  

Solid nope

CONTINUITY AND WORLD BUILDING MATTER, PEOPLE.
Sigh.

We're back in Dragonstone again, because we haven't seen nearly enough of Tyrion, Jon and Dany.  Jon is grounded and sulking about it when Tyrion comes over with some great dialogue to cheer him up.  He gets it out of him that he wants dragonglass (WHY HAS JON NOT SAID IT BEFORE NOW?) and uses his male powers to convince Dany to sort it for Jon.  He also tries to quote himself as a wise man and Dany has none of it.  It's pretty emabarrassing.

In regards to Jon and Dany, I have just one question: is it sexual tension or just terrible acting?

I can't tell the difference any more.

In Winterfell, Sansa is amazing in command and proving that she knows stuff she probably shouldn't/they should have been discussing before this moment (e.g. Winterfell not having prepped for Winter effectively, her catching a Maester offguard and him not knowing how long Winter is likely to be - ye ok m8).  Littlefinger is basically a caricature of an annoying Disney parrot now and I swear what he says doesn't even make sense.
Then, in dramatic reunion pt. 1 news (Arya's journey to Winterfell has been delayed so that we can get a Stark reunion every week like we deserve), Bran is at Winterfell!  Has Meera pulled him the entire way here?  Does she hang around?  Will she ever say anything more than Bran's name?  WHO KNOWS WHO CARES HE'S BACK

There is no real emotion after the hug, though, as Sansa forgets how to be a human being and ask him how he is or comment on how he's a fully grown man now rather than being a boy etc.  She instead tells him he's Lord of Winterfell and gets freaked out when he says he's a Three Eyed Raven instead.  Admittedly, it is hard to explain, but even taking that into account, this is poorly done, Bran. 3/10 must try harder.

I feel like Bran has been going to the Emilia Clarke school of acting.  His face is completely expressionless.

Look. An Actor. Emoting.

Now, you may say that's on account of his whole raven-ness, but then why did the old Three Eyed Raven (remember him? No worries if not, he didn't do much tbf.  Picture left for reference if you're as confused as Sansa about this whole raven business) get emotional in flashbacks/all the time?  He felt things.  HE ACTED.  And those people weren't even his relations.
For me, this choice for Bran's reaction is bizarre.

Also, Sansa is deeply disturbed that he knew EXACTLY what happened on her wedding night when, in reality, Bran was essentially a cheap psychic.  He knew a few things: that she wore white and looked beautiful (pretty easy guess) and that Ramsay put her through something at Winterfell (given that everyone seemingly knew Ramsay was a horrible person, again, not a big leap).  Idk, I wasn't blown away by this revelation.  Was it creepy, knowing that Bran had seen this and was still acting the way he was, completely emotionless and unempathetic?  Hell yes.  Was it impressive/unnerving that he knew this?  Nah.

Quickly!  To the Citadel so we can see Jorah's cured skin (didn't he have 24 hours to leave?  Shouldn't the wounds be oozing?  Shit, I'm talking about timeline, my bad) being poked by a stick.  He's free to go.  There's a weird joke made to Sam that they might meet again that was so blatant I felt like Jorah would wink into camera.  Oh and then they had Sam drop the line, "I read the books and followed the instructions," which, as a book reader, I found to be a personal attack on me.

The only good thing to come out of the Citadel this episode was this GIF:

Credit: @theScottRushing

Anyway, he's allowed to stay at the Citadel (??) but is sad about having to work.  Life is hard, Sam.

And then, guess where we're off to again, good ole Dragonstone!  Dany is upset she's lost her allies and wants to use the dragons, sod the innocent lives that will be lost.  However, now the argument by her council is not the loss of lives, it's the risking of her life.  Priorities change mid-episode I guess.

Jacob Anderson is just smashing it here 

Tyrion kindly talks us through the Unsullied's attack on Casterly Rock which, oh man, I still just don't get the tactics of.  His voiceover is super cringey, the way that they crowbar-ed in Tywin making Tyrion in charge of the sewers for this reason is forced (he BUILT them?!) and weird and the Bronn quote is just... ughhhhhh.

They can reference Bronn but can't take two minutes for Davos' son.  K.

Anyway, there is massive loss of Unsullied life but THEY WIN.  But Grey Worm isn't happy.  He's suspicious.
As he should be, because the rest of the Lannisters are not there but Euron's fleet is!

Where are the Lannisters, you ask?  Isn't it obvious where they could have physically made it to by now?  Duh, Jaime and the Lannister army are obviously already in Highgarden.

Bronn has made it because he appears whenever he's mentioned and Randall and Rickon Dickon Tarly are also onboard.  Excellent.  The gang's back together!
Now, I hate to end on a positive but... I think I enjoyed this final scene?  I mean... it's fine.

PEEAACCEEE

Olenna was actually believable for her character, which is all I can ask for now and, although I obviously don't buy the plan of the Lannisters just allowing Casterly Rock to be taken, I think this scene is well acted and a perfect ending for Olenna.

Somehow, let's not dwell on how, Jaime has talked Cersei out of making Olenna die a painful death and allows her to chug a glass of poisonous wine, an opportunity she relishes.  She is able to go out, not quite in a blaze of glory, but with a brilliantly dignified 'fuck you, fuck your son born of incest and especially fuck your evil sister, who will be the death of you'.

Glorious.

Okay.  Back to reality.

High Points

• Olenna.  She saved everything
• Varys and Mel.  I don't know why
• 
  

Low Points

• The timeline issues I'm not going to talk about
• Cersei was particularly problematic
• Dragonstone plotholes - poor tactics, Melisandre having to go home, not being allowed to talk about the ressurrection, Jon only bringing one man with him, said man (Davos) forgetting his dead son, no one mentioning dragonglass until Tyrion remembered to save the day and ask... 

Summative comment:

Go follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness @noneedtomoan

And, if you would like to hear a more balanced recap of the episodes or just hear me argue with my friends, who like Game of Thrones, just a reminder to go and listen to our new podcast, She, Herself and Guy.  Our recap on Episode Three will be out by the end of this week.

We're nearly halfway through, guys.  See you next Monday.

Season Seven, Episode Two - Stormborn

Happy Monday, everyone!  

If you haven't read my review from last week (Season Seven, Episode One - Dragonstone), go and read it for a recap!  Also, don't forget to listen to the podcast I'm making with my friends: She, Myself and Guy (Soundcloud or iTunes), which will be recapping every episode each week (with their views too, so it's not just me ranting!)

So, I set my alarm for 01:45, I settled myself down and prepared myself for yet another Dany-centric episode (if one is to believe the title).

Let's do this thing.

Can I ask if everyone else in the U.K. is not getting the 'previously on's?  Because I'm not and I feel like I'm missing out...

Anyway, we see that it's a Cogman episode and we know to look out for better (not a high bar) dialogue and exposition shoehorned in to try and patch over some of the more glaring plotholes.  For once, though, unusually for Game of Thrones, there are a few common themes:
1) Plot holes!
2) Mansplaining
3) Throwbacks, but only to Season 1

A discussion about being born in a storm, happening during a storm

We open on a storm in Dragonstone, hardly surprising given that the episode is called 'Stormborn'.  

Oh also, Tyrion and Varys are helpfully reminding Dany that she was born in a storm because she didn't know that, it's just been part of her title she's been repeatedly shoving in people's faces for seven seasons.  

After Dany has quite finished moaning about this weather not being the homecoming she wanted, she decides to confront Varys about his treachery.

Plothole 1

This happened in the Season Six finale:

Behold the magic transporting Varys

Remember?  When Varys was in Dorne, treating with Ellaria and Olenna, getting them to joing Dany's cause...?
Then he suddenly transported onto Dany's ship, with no real explanation?

Well, this was great for Dany as it meant more people/armies on her side for her big homecoming.  However, the plot hole trouble comes when we think about her past with Varys.

Varys used to work for Robert Baratheon, after he usurped King Aerys' throne.  When word got out that Dany was not only alive, but married to a Khal and pregnant with his child, King Robert wanted her dead.  Ned Stark (RIP) was obviously against this but Varys was not, and agreed to go ahead with the plot.
Dany knows all this because Jorah later admitted that he was spying for Varys at this time and this is where the assassination plot had originated.

SO.  Why is this a plot hole?

Well, because, surely, a boat ride from Meereen to Dragonstone would take long enough to warrant a bit of small talk?
Surely, at some point, Dany is going to ask the question: why the fuck should I trust the guy who once tried to have me killed?
Surely, she'd confront him after yet another day at sea, listening to nothing but Tyrion's insensitive jokes and forcing people to drink?

Idk, I guess Cogman did a good job of Dany asking Varys outright who placed the order for her death and actually having this confrontation.  Also, people seemed to enjoy the fact that Varys refused to pledge blind allegiance/loyalty and made it clear he would only stick around if she was still the best option for the people.... But, seriously.  This is a stretch.

Sigh.  Anyway.  She makes him swear he won't betray her because that's a promise I believe in and then threatens to burn him.  Classic Dany.
No time to think about this because The Red Priestess is here!

Varys is suspicious because she used to serve another (lol do you see how it's irony because HE just- wow #writing #irony) but Dany is intrigued.  Mel warns of the dangers of prophecy, which is new for her, and advises Dany to seek out Jon Snow.  Tyrion agrees because he met him one time, whilst journeying to the Wall, and he seemed alright.  Mel points out Jon's main successes as letting the wildlings through the Wall, being declared King in the North and erm...
Is there... Is there anything else?  Anything that Jon has done that is remotely impressive or interesting or important to know in this context?

Probs not.

I think I'm thinking of someone else.

Dany then sends the FASTEST RAVEN IN THE SEVEN KINGDOMS to Jon Snow, telling him to bend the knee.

Please let's just have a moment here to again think about the lack of 

emotion on Dany's face during all of this.

This is her permanent face.  WHAT EMOTION IS THIS?!

Thank you.

Moving on.

In Winterfell, Jon has obviously received the raven already, before Sam's from last episode, and is discussing its contents with Sansa and Davos (REMEMBER DAVOS?!)

The raven's message comes with a code so they know it's genuine - a Tyrion quote, "All dwarfs are bastards in their father's eyes".

Sansa and Davos both agree it's too dangerous for him to actually go and ge should send an envoy instead, even though I swear something happened that would lead one to believe this wasn't such a big risk for him...

I am so forgetful lately!
It'll come back to me.

And then we zoom off to King's Landing, where Cersei is trying to convince Tyrell bannerman (read: Randall Tarly) to join her cause.  She mentions the White Walkers in the same breath as Dothraki hoardes... It's kind of a bigger deal than that but whatever.

The Lords are unmoved and don't believe they have a chance against the dragons but, apparently, Qyburn (did we notice his Hand of the Queen pin?) is working on a 'solution', which I'm sure is incredibly impressive.

Jaime decides to be more than just a source of reaction GIFs this week and goes for a chat with Randall and his son Rickon, whoops no we brought him back just to murder him hehe Dickon.  No mention of Heartsbane.  His ancestral family sword, one that he loved enough to point out for us, was stolen.
The way he pointed it out to Sam like

Nuh uh uhh, don't even THINK about it

made it seem like it was super meaningful to him.

But yeah, no, he doesn't care enough about to actually follow up on Sam stealing it or even mention it in passing.

Lol what

But OOP NO TIME FOR THAT HERE'S JORAH 
He's being assessed by Maester Broadbent and has an official diagnosis of six months before he goes mental but years to live.  He (poorly) mimes cleaning some sort of wand instrument whilst Sam asks him about Shireen Baratheon and if there's another way but, alas, Broadbent not so subtly hints that it'd be easier for everyone involved if Jorah just killed himself.  This would've been an interesting subject matter to delve a bit deeper into but... NOPE.
Before Sam leaves the cell, he learns that Jorah is a Mormont and his dad was Jeor.  

If you don't know why this is a big deal, hey show fan, what's up?  You digging all the cool visuals and contradictory character development so far this year?  Jeor is the Old Bear, the previous Lord Commander of the Night's Watch and, also, Jorah's dad.  He dies at Craster's Keep but, before he does, he tells Sam that dragonglass can slay a White Walker and asks him to tell Jorah he is forgiven and he should take the black.
Sorry.  That was all book stuff, which I try to avoid here.  My bad.
That would've been cool and emotional to watch though, right?

Let's move on.
Qyburn shows Cersei his GENIUS plan to stop the dragons... And it's a bow and arrow.
I mean... I think this is meant to be impressive?  But it's hardly inventive.  Cersei's down with it, though.

Back at Dragonstone, the galz have arrived.
Varys tells the everyone that Cersei is hated by her bannerman and the common folk.  Why have we not seen this?  Where are the revolts about her blowing up the sept?  You can't just make a character say this and suddenly it is so, we need to SEE some stuff!

Yara and Ellaria make their feelings clear: Dany should attack King's Landing.  This, logistically, makes sense.  Cersei is completely outmanned and hated apparently and so the throne is ripe for the taking (I honestly can't get my head around why Euron didn't do it...)
But Tyrion gets involved and makes some different suggestions.  We'll get into these in a second but first...

Plothole 2

Ellaria is now on the same side as Tyrion.
Tyrion Lannister.  
His neice is Myrcella Lannister.
Myrcella was murdered.
She was murdered by Ellaria.

Ellaria is now on the same side as Tyrion.
Do you see where there may be a slight conflict?

Again, presumably they were all on the same boat to Dragonstone. Have they just been avoiding discussing this?
Luckily for us, we see the moment Tyrion decides to bring it up.  And it's rubbish.  He says something about Lannisters not poisoning little girls and Ellaria basically says all Lannisters are evil and Oberyn shouldn't have died for Tyrion....
It's lacklustre at best but, again, Cogman is stuck tying up loose ends here.  These two surely couldn't have been on the same side without this discussion first.  I mean, they can barely be on the same side now it's been 'resolved' but whatever.

Tyrion's suggestion is weird.  He tells the ladies that the best option for Dany is for them to return home and retrieve their armies (because they DIDN'T BRING THEM?!) for they will be used to take the capitals around King's Landing (lol why) and for the Unsullied to attack Casterly Rock.  He gives some reasons why but I don't buy them.
Neither do the women but then Dany parrots some stuff Tyrion said earlier about not wanting to be the queen of ashes and that puts paid to that. #feminism

THEON WATCH: He stood in the background and did nothing #feminism #womenandTyrionontop

Olenna has a private audience with Dany and tells her to ignore 'clever men' and 'sheep' Lords of Westeros and 'be a dragon', which is genuinely good advice but hard to swallow when Dany isn't standing up for herself at all; she's just doing whatever Tyrion suggests.

Then.  Sigh.
There's a love scene.
It's problematic for me but, admittedly, it is the most tasteful one I've ever seen on Game of Thrones.  Some of the camera angles were definitely just for boobs and it is a tad too long but it is brilliantly acted and actually... Emotional?  It was almost sweet.

Was I just... Positive about Game of Thrones?

Better get back on track - to the Citadel!

Sam finds a treatment for greyscale but it is - gasp -  FORBIDDEN.  I WONDER IF SAM WILL PERFORM THE PROCEDURE.

Such mystery
Very intrigue
Much OMG

But yeah, there's pus involved and Sam doesn't give Jorah milk of the poppy (an anaesthetic), he just makes him have rum and basically this controversial treatment is just peeling off the greyscale and treating it with antiseptic.
Revolutionary.

Meanwhile, somewhere unspecified, we hear that the common folk clearly know that Cersei blew up the sept.  There's not very much anger here but whatever, Hot Pie is back and he's making Arya make jokes about baking (hehe, get it? She baked and murdered those men ehehe).  He also informs her that Brienne was looking for her, oh and the Starks are back in Winterfell, which Arya had no idea about.
How has she not learned this yet?

Obviously, she decides to head to Winterfell to see her sister and Jon instead but this is yet another change to her plans.  I can't keep track.
Just to clarify, Arya's various plans thus far have been:

• I want to see what happens when the maps end (said to Lady Crane in S6E8)
• I'm Arya Stark and I'm going home (said to Jaqar in S6E8)
• I'm going to get revenge by baking these Freys and murdering Walder (S6E10)
• I'm going to get more revenge by murdering all the Freys whilst disguised as Walder (S7E1)
• Maybe I should stop revenge, Lannisters are alright (because of Ed Sheeran - S7E1)
• Nah I need to get revenge so I'll kill the Queen (S7E1)
• I'm probs just going to go home (S7E2)

I am confused.

In Winterfell, Sam's raven has finally arrived to tell Jon what Stannis told him two seasons ago about Dragonglass.  Jon announces that he is going to go to Dragonstone, without warning Sansa in private AGAIN so she has another outburst AGAIN.  Gah, so many of their problems would be solved woith simple communication.  The Northern Lords do not want Jon to go and there are so many quick reaction shots of Brienne and Lyanna and Davos and Littlefinger and Sansa, one after another, after another... I honestly thought I was watching Rocky Horror for a minute.

Actual footage of the Northern Lords

But their incredulity is short lived as he says that he will leave Sansa in charge and then she's all

Go as long as you want Jon, I got this

Before he leaves, Jon pops down to the crypts.  Littlefinger appears but is swiftly told he doesn't belong down in the Stark crypts, when Jon himself is a Snow and not a Stark #awks

Choking Littlefinger is soooo S1

Super Irish Littlefinger (seriously, wtf is going on Aidan?) tells Jon he deserves a thank you for saving him, when it was Sansa's orders and Robin's army that saved him really.
He then gets choked by Jon because he says he loves Sansa...

Jon tells him he'll kill him if he touches his sister and Littlefinger looks sad... mad?  No idea but he's feeling stuff.

Nymeria then arrives and, although she wants her to join her in Winterfell at first, Arya soon realises she's changed and sends her away because 'that's not you', calling back to GUESS WHEN?

Is this episode sponsored by Season 1?

In our final scene, the Sand Snakes are arguing (yawn) and Yara and Ellaria flirt weirdly in front of Theon, who just walks off to fill drinks rather than get involved.

THEN SUDDEN CRASH IS SUDDEN

Look, I can't be mad at this battle.  I want to be.  But I can't.
This is Euron being made into the New Ramsay™ and, as much as I hate there being a villain for villain's sake, they have made him such an evil caricature that of course he has to kill everyone and cackle whilst covered in blood and threatening to kill his own niece with an axe.
Of course he does.

It's not my thing at all but I get that it's exciting and somewhat necessary in what has been a fairly dull opening two episodes of the new season so far.

Anyway, who knew it but Euron, as it turns out, is an amazing fighter and kills, well, everyone.  One of the Expendables (read: Sand Snakes) is trying to protect her mother when she is threatened with rape, which you would think would illicit a reaction from Ellaria but she seems to be thinking about her post Game of Thrones career and just looks distantly miffed, rather than heartbroken or terrified or angry.

Euron threatens Yara in front of Theon and taunts him into coming for her.  Theon, who has been fighting in the battle like a bad arse up until this point, suddenly remembers his previous plotlines and that he's meant to have PTSD and so jumps in the sea, rather than saving his sister.
This came out of nowhere.  Literally, Theon has had one or two lines this episode (I'm pretty sure both of them were about getting Ellaria a drink and following the queen's orders) and this seemed more like an opportunity to shame Theon for being a coward than to actually broach the fact that he is still, in many respects, struggling to come to terms with his identity and the trauma he went through as Reek.

He floats in the, presumably nice and warm, water as the ships burn on the horizon.  We are not sure why Euron's men don't just haul him out of the sea; this isn't made clear.  He's just left to bob along and find his own way back to a storyline but will he be a Gendry or a Hot Pie?  I'll be on the edge of my seat.

We cut back to the ship and Yara hangs from the bow, whilst Ellaria is skewered on there by a huge sword.

CORRECTION CORNER

How was I to know who this was?!

It's been pointed out to me that this was actually two of the Sand Snakes, not Ellaria and Yara, and I genuinely could not tell (maybe more lighting next time, guys?) so my apologies.
This makes more sense, though, so Ellaria and/or Yara can be the gift(s) to Cersei next week.  If the final Sand Snake is still alive, too, then some horrific vengeance can be had on Cersei's part, too.

Deeply sorry.  Will try harder to study my dark screen so I don't confuse characters again.

So, lots of necessary gore and violence means Game of Thrones is back to their old tricks and it's, sadly, a refreshing change of pace.  I mean, is it ideal?  Of course not.  Is it better than watching characters tie up loose ends of storylines and make plans that aren't logistically sound?  Infinitely.

The one thing I just can't get past is where this battle is meant to have taken place.  Euron left King's Landing and... what?  Went past Dragonstone and waited for Yara's fleet to come out?  Or ambushed them from behind as, they too, left Blackwater Bay?
However they managed it, it was sheer coincidence and not tactics that led Euron to ambush the ships.  He is not a master planner.  This feels more like the writers realising that Dany could take King's Landing right now without much bother but they can't have that happen this early in the season, so they've killed off some of her forces so that we can even begin to believe that Cersei could have a chance.

And that's it.
We are left with nothing but questions and memories of Season One thrown in our faces.

High Points

• It's fast paced so it goes quickly
• More actually happens
• Cogman actually attempts to fix some of the damage done by D&D
• Callbacks to earlier seasons (well, just Season 1) that show the writer has actually watched the show before and has some understanding of characters' motivations

Low Points

• The damage already done by D&D
• Mansplaining, particularly Tyrion's relationship with Dany

Summative comment:

Go follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness @noneedtomoan

And, if you would like to hear a more balanced recap of the episodes or just hear me argue with my friends, who like Game of Thrones, just a reminder to go and listen to our new podcast, She, Herself and Guy.  Our recap on Episode Two will be out by the end of this week.

See you next week.  I'm not sure why.

She, Herself & Guy Podcast

I've just started a podcast with two of my friends, reviewing Game of Thrones episodes.

Guess what?  I'm definitely the angriest.
But, they actually enjoy the show.  We argue a little.  We also ramble about other things sometimes.  It's a lot of fun.  Go listen if that's your bag.

Soundcloud/SheHerselfandGuy

iTunes

Also, if you could follow us on Twitter or rate and review/email us some feedback, we'd really appreciate it.  We're really new to all of this and want to take as much advice as possible.

Give us a shout.

Happy Listening!

Season Seven, Episode One - Dragonstone

Oh hi there!
I went away for a year.  Sorry about that.  I bought a house, adopted a puppy and got engaged.  I think I'm officially a grown up now.  Maybe not, though, because here I am again, ready to become ridiculously irate at a TV show I force myself to watch in the early hours of Monday morning.

So, my final episode review was Season Six, Episode Ten, over a year ago now.  Go read it if you need a recap.  Either that, or listen to the podcast I'm making with my friends: She, Myself and Guy (Soundcloud or iTunes), which will be recapping every episode each week (with their views too, so it's not just me ranting!)

And now, assuming you're all caught up, let's get started.
I'm not going to lie to you; I was pretty concerned about this new season.  I've read a lot of the leaks (most of which turned out to be accurate, terrifyingly enough) and my hopes were not high.
Post-episode, I can say that I'm not as angry as I was during Season Six, but I am still confused and disappointed.  Nothing new there, though.
Okay.  I think I'm ready.  Let's do this.

BRING IT

Right.  Cold open on Walder Frey hosting another party.

BUT WAIT, you cry, WALDER FREY IS DEAD.

And, of course, you would be correct.  We saw Arya brutally slay him and kick off her amazing arc of 'All I Want Is Revenge'.

So, this is pretty obviously Arya, then?

She's doing one of her face changing specials, the technical aspects of which she learned in record time.  I mean, I know there were a lot of montages of her 'training' but she didn't seem to actually learn anything about the faces.  It was mainly being beaten with a stick and a bit of poison sniffing, wasn't it?

Anyway, whatever it was, Arya has learned it well.  She Jonestowns (bad reference?) "every Frey that means a damn", except for the women, and then legs it out of there, claiming that "the winter has come for House Frey".
Thank god it's arrived for someone; it's been sunny for the last two seasons!

Few things here:
1. Do we just assume all the women were completely innocent in this? (#feminism)
2. Additionally, were ALL Frey men just automatically guilty?
 3. Arya/Walder says that he's thrown two feasts in a fortnight and Arya killed him just after the last one.  Has she been living as Walder for two weeks?!  Ruling the Riverlands?  Why haven't I seen any of THAT?
4.  How did she invite only men to this second feast without arising any suspicion?
5.  Where is Edmure?  Is he still locked up?  He's your uncle.  Go get him!

I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS ARYA

Thankfully, we have to move on.
It's time to go North of the Wall and OMG there's actually White Walkers.  Did anyone else think they'd disappeared?  It's been a while since we saw any.  Honestly, despite myself, I really enjoyed the visuals of this scene: the mist, the slow walking and the idea of there being giant wights too... No complaints from me here.
Ugh, being positive is weird.  Let's go see Bran.

Bran and Meera have somehow managed to escape the hordes of wights that were ripping apart Hodor's flesh as he screamed (oof, that was quite a scene, wasn't it?) unscathed and are at the gate of the Wall.
Neither of them appear to have adequate protection against the weather and, quite honestly, I've no idea how they've not pulled a Herman (from Scrooged - my references are on point tonight) by this point but hey ho.
Edd, who is supposedly Acting Lord Commander, lets them in, which doesn't seem like a job for the leader of the Night's Watch, and is very suspicious so he asks Bran to prove he is who he says he is.  Bran then lists a load of things he's obviously observed whilst warging.  These are things that most definitely do not prove he's a Stark; they prove he has some sort of magical/telepathic talent and should be feared amongst the superstitious Westerosi men but... Edd wants to bring them in from t'cold so in they come.

No time to see what goes on inside, though, we've got to get to Winterfell and Jon's rousing speech to the Northerners.  It can't just be me that struggles to focus on what he's saying, can it?

Literally me whenever Jon speaks

I know he says some stuff about women being able to fight too, which gets Lyanna all wound up too (#FEMINISM #NOTALLWOMEN) but I honestly cannot follow it.
BUT it does start to get a bit interesting when the disloyal families that took Ramsay's side last season (the Umbers and the Karstarks) are discussed.  
Jon wants to pardon the families, who sees as not responsible for their relatives' poor choices, but Sansa decides she's going to be sassy in Season Seven and completely disagrees.
Tbf to Sassy Sansa, she has a point.  Maybe the ancestral homes should be taken off those who betrayed the Starks and be given to people who showed complete loyalty.  My problem with all of this is that I don't buy that Sansa would be so brazen as to undermine Jon and slag off his plan in front of the entire North.

GOD she was perfect, wasn't she? <3

Indulge me for a moment (lol like this entire blog isn't self indulgent):
Sansa has been brought up to conduct herself as the 'perfect lady'.  She knows how she should act in these situations.

Even if she knows she is right and the man King is wrong, she cannot speak up in argument with him in front of everyone.  This was perfectly exemplified with Cat towards Robb, when she didn't agree with some of his decisions but knew she would just have to let them happen and maybe discuss her feelings with him in private later (although she often didn't do this - knowing that he was King and had to make his own decisions/mistakes).

Sansa should not have tried to overrule Jon like this.

Should she be Queen in the North?  BY GOD YES, FOR SO MANY REASONS.
Is she?  NO AND WE DON'T KNOW WHY

But, should she be behaving like this?  Absolutely not.  And she knows that.  So there's no need for the pout.

Anyway, as we could've guessed, Jon wins this argument and allows the baby Umber/Karstark to swear loyalty to him as King and everyone is happy except for Sassy Sansa and Lurky McGhee Littlefinger.

Then, after the meeting, there's some weird vibes happening with Jon and Sansa.  She's... mad (?) at him but then also flirts with him quite a bit.  Also, they get a raven from Cersei, demanding Jon goes to King's Landing to bend the knee.  There's some vague discussion about Cersei, which leads Jon to think that it almost sounds like Sansa admires her and Sansa doesn't go OMG FUCK THAT JON NO I HATE HER I WANT TO BE THE OPPOSITE I WILL MAKE THEM LOVE ME NOT HATE ME, which is weird.  She, instead, says she "learned a great deal from her".

Sansa.  Bitch.  WHAT

I mean.... Whatever.

Shall we just go see how Winter's hit King's Landing?  Phew, I bet they're struggling with the snow and...

*cough*

"What is this?" Jaime asks, referring to the freshly painted map, quickly drying on the floor in the baking sun.

"It's an exposition map, Jaime, so we can catch everyone up on the details we purposefully skipped over," replies Cersei.  Probably.

N'aww but there is a lot of place naming and reminders of who is who here, which I suppose is helpful after over a year away from the story.  My favourite bit was when it sounded like Cersei was going to talk about Dorne but then she was like "lol those bitches".  Hahahaa #Feminism #womenontop

Cersei then reveals her plan, which is essentially to marry herself off to a known kinslayer and oathbreaker, Euron Greyjoy.  Solid.  Jaime warns her that he can't be trusted and she says something like "well, who can?" - she's great at taking advice.

Euron then turns up in style, with one thousand ships in tow.
One.  Thousand.  Ahem.

Last time we saw Euron, Theon and Yara had stolen a load of his ships.  Most of his ships.  I believe the phrase used was "all of our best ships".  He demands the men build him a thousand more.
They've managed to do this, and embroider some beautiful kraken (krakens? kraken?) on the sails and everything.  All of this and Cersei's hair hasn't grown an inch.  Incredible.


Before we continue, I just need a moment to look at this outfit again, excuse me.

I mean.
What even?

Anyway, his accent is weird, him and Jaime try to get some digs in (Euron wins) but then Cersei says that, you know what, she can't trust him (er, duh) so he offers to earn her trust by getting her a gift.  This whole scene...  I enjoyed it, mainly because of Cersei's terrible hair, Jaime's terrible jacket and EVERYTHING about Euron being terrible but I feel like that entire exchange could've happened via raven and no one would've had to build ships in like two days and we'd have avoided seeing these costuming choices.

Sigh.  Back to Oldtown, where Sam is being a sulky little one and the editors have a FIELD DAY showing how literally shit his job is rofl lol lmao
All is not well with Sam's new job, though.  He wants to get past the gates and look at some old books... We're not sure why but Jim Broadbent doesn't let him because he's not a maester yet.  He then gives a very well acted but utterly pointless monologue and I realise that he is this season's High Sparrow/Brother Ray.  What a waste of yet another brilliant actor.  Oh, Sam steals some books, btw.  Yawn.

Then, back at Winterfell, Brienne is weirdly smug about beating up Pod and we get some classic hilarious Tormund ogling for the lolz before we get to see Littlefinger do what he does best: be dead creepy to Sansa.
He;s all weird to her and Sassy Sansa is back and is not here for it at all.  She sends him on his way and Brienne asks why he's here, which is what we're all thinking, seeing as he stopped being manipulative and anything like Littlefinger way back in Season Four.

Sansa replies, "We need his men".

Erm.  Excuse me?

HIS men?!
The Vale army that came to rescue Jon at Bastard Bowl belongs to Robin Arryn.  Your cousin.  Littlefinger organised it for you because he's gross and wants you but honestly, Sansa, you should know that they are not his army.
Also, where the fuck is Robin? Littlefinger gave him a falcon and brought him with him, right?  Along with the army?  We've not seen Robin since the falcon scene, if I remember rightly.

WHERE IS ROBIN?
If you had Robin, you wouldn't need Littlefinger.

What is going on?

It's okay, though, I can see Arya is on her horse and on her way somewhere now.


We'll get back on track and I'll stop being so confus-

Wait.
What is that sound?
Oh, God that sounds like-

Okay, honestly, Ed Sheeran can clearly sing.  I can't be mad at the singing.  Well, you can be damn sure I'm mad at the song.  It's the song that showed us all what a truly horrific human Tyrion is capable of being, how characters are not black and white, good and evil - there are many, many grey areas (especially with Tyrion).  But, we don't need to know all that.  It's just a nice song, right?
(Seriously, why bother even using this song from the books though, if you're going to use it out of context like this?  Why not just get Ed bloody Sheeran to write you one?) 

Deep breath.
If you can get past the massive distraction that is Ed Sheeran on your screen (who, when he is not saying his lines, is very clearly thinking of his next lines/what to do with his face), then you might be able to notice that that lad from This Is England is there and actually smashing it.
It's a weird scene though, right?  Lannister soldiers just being nice to a passer by and laughing off her threats against the queen?

Is the point that we are all people underneath and our Houses shouldn't matter?
Is this lesson not a little bit late for Arya, who has just the decimated the entirety of House Frey?
No?  Just me, then.

I don't get the point of this scene.  We learned nothing and it wasted valuable minutes of a season that is only seven episodes long.

Oh, give me strength.

So, Sandor Clegane is back with the Brotherhood Without Banners (are they called this in the show?  I don't even care anymore) and he apparently uses the word 'topknot' because OF COURSE HE DOES WHY WOULDN'T HE?

Beric and Thoros seem to attempt to convert him a bit here, or at least coach him into having visions in the fire.

I'm sure the showrunners thought this was symbolic and meaningful, because of his relationship with fire thus far in his life, but, to me, it felt far fetched and clunky.  Maybe it could work if it was broached better but just going 'hey look at this fire!' doesn't scream subtle and nuanced writing to me...

But, guess what?  He had a vision.  A scary one.
Oh, God.  They're really clumsily trying to foreshadow that he is the prince that was promised, aren't they?

Oh, and just to really upset book readers, they have him dig a grave.

Me at this point

Nope.  Can't.

Back to Oldtown!
Gilly and Baby Sam (HOW IS HE STILL A BABY) are somehow living there with Sam... When women aren't even allowed in The Citadel and Sam is not only a Brother of the Night's Watch, he's training to be a maester.  He can't have a missus.  What is happening?

Luckily, he's managed to steal just the right book and we get a close up of the catspaw knife that was used in Bran's attempted murder (we don't know why but I imagine it's some stellar #FORESHADOWING).

Then, we see that there is dragonglass at Dragonstone.





Wow.
He'd better tell Jon, huh?
If only Sam had known that before, it could've been so useful.



He did.  Season Five.  Stannis told him.
But.  You know.
What even is continuity?

Oh, and Jorah is in The Citadel, too.  Forgot to mention that.
He just asks if Dany is there yet when, let's be honest here mate, she sent you away for a cure.  She was never coming back for you.  That wasn't part of the deal.

Okay.  Big finale.

Stirring music - check.
Amazing visuals - check.

Heartfelt emotion pouring from your lead actress -

Ahem.

To summarise this four minute scene:
Literally nothing happens, she just shows us the Dragonstone set.
Great use of time.

"Shall we begin?"
I think it's best for now if we just... Stop.

Some questions:

• Why is Dragonstone empty?
• No squatters?  No reaving?  No small reserve of men left by Stannis?
• Why are the Unsullied not sweeping it first?  Do they already know it's empty and safe for the Queen to wander around?  How?
• Who curled her hair?  It looks banging.
• When did she change?  Pristine clothes and boots (!) to say they've sailed for what I assume is a while... (Timeline though - who knows?)

And, just like that, it's over.
It felt so long and yet nothing happened...?

High Points

• White Walker scene
• Beric?  I like Beric.
• 
  

Low Points

• Nonsense - Littlefinger's army, Arya being Walder for weeks, Dragonstone being so empty
• Pacing - get a move on!  We have a lot to get through in seven episodes!
• Costume - hahahahahahahahahaaaa

Summative Comment:

This is what Game of Thrones has done to me

Go follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness @noneedtomoan

And, if you would like to hear a more balanced recap of the episodes or just hear me argue with my friends, who like Game of Thrones, just a reminder to go and listen to our new podcast, She, Herself and Guy.  Our recap on Episode One will be out by the end of this week.

See you next week for more of the same.