Season Seven, Episode Six - Beyond The Wall

I've struggled this week.
Despite being proven wrong every episode, I never quite want to believe the leaked summaries (check out reddit/r/freefolk - it's the best for spoilers) are real because they just seem beyond ridiculous.  And yet, every week, I see that it wasn't just poorly written fan fiction; this is genuinely a show that people enjoy and think is good TV.  Episode Six has been reviewed at an average of 9.6/10 by 18,461 people on imdb and it just makes me want to die.
Anyway, if you're new here, my recaps and reviews for the rest of season seven are here: E1, E2 , E3, E4 and E5 and the podcast I make with my two friends that is currently covering Game of Thrones is here.  Prepare yourselves.  I transcend anger this week.  Pretty sure I'm reaching hysteria.

Oh dear.  It has begun.

Quick Q: Did everyone else see the random shot of the map, leading up to The Wall?  Then the fire crackling in the background?  There was no music and no further references to it so I ended up thinking that it was an editing error that had been overlooked in post.  I wouldn't put it past them.  
If everyone else did see this scene... Could someone please explain the point of it to me?  The title of the episode is literally, 'Beyond The Wall'.  I think I know where we're headed and thirty seconds of practically pitch black footage of a table map that no one has used in a while isn't adding anything here.

Okay I'm going to do this geographically again because I can't jump around from place to place like they did for fear of bursting a blood vessel.  Let's just dive into this with Winterfell.

Sansa wanders out onto the balcony to meet Arya who is officially Staring Into The Distance In Order To Wistfully Monologue.

She creepily tells stories of Ned approving of her challenging the rules of society and, yeah, cool, Ned was on board with her having these hobbies (he hired Syrio to help teach her some basic swordfighting) but he never approved of the 'rules are wrong' message she's conveying here.  Ned always knew that, one day, Arya would have to settle down, be a lady, get married, have children etc.  He might have known this wouldn't suit her and wouldn't be her choice but... There isn't a choice.  In a patriarchy, as a Lord, he and his children have to do as they are expected.  Fuck, if it wasn't for these sort of rules, Jon's life could've been very different.

Anyway, when her pathetic clapping ends what was a painfully dull soliloquy, she turns to Sansa and says, "Now he's dead, killed by the Lannisters... with your help".

Sansa trying to work out wtf's going on

Sansa is as confused as all of us are, until Arya reads the scroll to her (note -- Sansa literally tries to get her to stop reading it because she remembers it but Arya looks dead into the camera and is all 'no, I'll just read it, some of us need to hear it') and then she's DOUBLY confused.

But... Robb and Bran both realised I was writing this under duress?  As I was a fourteen year old girl, who'd just seen her father beheaded and was terrified for her life?  And my betrothed was emotionally abusing me?  I was going through quite a bit, mate, surely you realise I wasn't in my right mind?  Also, I sent it to Robb whilst he was fighting in the South.  How did it end up here?

Nope.  Arya has no time for your explanations or questions.  In fact, Sansa, Arya has another bombshell to drop: she saw you there, when your dad was beheaded.  Standing there.  In a pretty dress.

Remember?  I mean, you probably don't remember.
She judges you.  For standing there.  In a pretty dress.
Obviously, you mustn't have had an emotional reaction.  You mustn't have moved.  You obviously didn't have to be held back as you screamed and reached for your father.  In the books, your screams don't haunt Arya.
Nope.
This is just more stuff for Arya to hate you for.  Not terrible, heartbreaking pain that the two of you can bond over.  Unite over a common enemy and the loss of your beloved father.

So, yeah.  Evil Arya™ is officially mad at Sansa for the actions she took whilst trying to preserve her life, the life-altering decisions she was forced to make AS A CHILD.  Cool.
She says that she'll tell all the Northern Lords, even little Lyanna who is TOUGHER THAN YOU'LL EVER BE SANSA.  Sansa gives a good effort, telling her she'd saved the day at The Battle of the Bastards (which is apparently just what everyone in-universe is calling this now?) and we all scream YAAAS SANSA NOW TELL LITTLEFINGER THE SAME AND THAT YOU DON'T NEED HIM WOOOO

Me @  The Winterfell Shitshow

Despite this incredibly sound logic, Arya stays angry and storms off, letting the threat linger so, obviously, Sansa confides in Littlefinger.  The guy whose every move is questioned, who no one trusts and no one knows why is there.  THAT GUY.  He lies and says he doesn't know where the letter came from because chaos is a laddah and then... I don't know.  I think he threatens both her and Arya with Brienne, who is honour-bound to protect them.

Whatever this plan is meant to be, it doesn't play as a well thought-out and carefully played game of chess.  Right now, rather, it all feels a bit like Jenga.  No, not Jenga, that requires forethought and planning.  Buckaroo.  Littlefinger is playing Buckaroo and we're meant to think he's an unrivalled Grand Master.

Anyway, later on, Sansa gets a raven about a meeting with the Lannisters that we haven't been told about but we are assuming is the whole 'show Cersei our dead zombie thing' plan coming to fruition.
Weird, because this is Jon's plan and Sansa said in the previous scene that she hadn't heard from him in two weeks.  You'd think he'd get Varys or someone to pass on word about his plan so that Sansa knew this invitation was important.  Huh.
So our Sansa doesn't fancy it and decides to send Brienne.  Sensible.  The exact opposite to Jon's plan of taking himself off to meet Dany and putting himself at risk for no reason and very, very logical.  Except, the writers decide to make this the bitchiest conversation ever to put Brienne in her place.
YEAH TAKE THAT BRIENNE, CARING ABOUT ME AND MY CRAZY EVIL SISTER

(N.B. Some people are hypothesising that this is all part of Sansa's plan to get rid of the Arya threat; after Littlefinger's words, she knows she needs Brienne out of the way to do anything about her sister.  I call bullshit on this.  The hugely heavy-handed, clanging 'Jaime' name drop is the reason they want Brienne in King's Landing.  Maybe they added the Littlefinger stuff in to justify this but... Nahhh sorry mate I'm not having this.  Nor am I having that Arya has actually killed Littlefinger and is now wearing his face to 'test' Sansa.  Stop trying to make sense of what are just horribly written storylines)


Not to worry.  Only one Winterfell scene left.
OH NO WAIT IT'S THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING EVER

Sansa goes snooping around Arya's room to look for... Things.  She sees the dagger.  No surprises there.  Then, oop, something under the bed catches her eye.  Oh wow, it's a rather lovely brown leather messenger bag, wonder where she's picked that up because she didn't have it when she walked into Winterfell, did she?  I feel like I would've noticed such a beautifully crafted-- Oh, it's full of faces.  Oh, wonderful.

Literal.
Faces.

When she transformed into a huge elderly man?
Just a face mask thing.  Nothing else.

Nothing to change her height or the rest of her body.

LOOK AT HIS HANDS

WHAT

The writers' complete misinterpretation of the Faceless Men and their techniques aside, the rest of this scene is pretty nonsensical anyway.
Arya continues to threaten Sansa, this time saying she will peel her face off and wear it and enjoy wearing dresses and stuff.  She reiterates the fact that she always wished she could be a knight.  News to me, tbf.  She was a tomboy.  She didn't enjoy 'girly' things.  But, as I explained earlier, both Arya and Ned understood the Westerosi societal expectations they lived under.  They knew that this was never a possibility.  Arya never seemed mad about it to me, more jealous that Sansa was inherently good at everything she knew would never succeed it.
Apparently the patriarchal world that has disappeared over the past few episodes has returned with a vengeance and Arya's answer is to turn on her sister. #feminism

Shall we just go to Dragonstone?

"Do you know what I like about you?" Dany pondered, enjoying the opportunity to tell Tyrion how great he is yet again.  I don't even want to summarise this scene as its only purpose was to build tension between the Beyond The Wall shots and remind us that Tyrion is just the best.  Oh, also to remind the audience of these things:

• Dany can't have children and so will have no successor (a plan for which Tyrion probably should've talked through BEFORE pledging eternal allegiance to his queen)
• Dany has no say in any tactical decisions or anything a queen should be involved in deciding ('do we have a trap?' - MATE WHY DON'T YOU KNOW THIS)
• Dany fancies Jon  (OoooOOooOoOoOooohHh)

Later, presumably after receiving the fastest raven in existence, Dany is hopping on a dragon to save her man the world. But, oh no, a decision she's made on her own?  NOT ON TYRION'S WATCH.  He's worried she's putting herself in too much danger, even though she's wearing thick, protective armour --

I mean lol what

She goes anyway, though.  I'm sure Tyrion will not be proved right.
Everything's going to go great.

And now, the biggie.  Beyond the Wall (gasp!  The episode is called that!)

So, at the end of episode five, we saw the A-Team ready to go capture a White Walker:

Yep.



All seven of them.




Great team.

Good, lucky number.


Huh.  Look at that.

There's a few extra men.
I can't... I can't really see their faces.  They appear to be covered with scarves and/or hoods, which is incredibly sensible really.
It's very, very fucking cold, isn't it?
Even if it isn't snowing like it is in Winterfell.  Nor is the snow very thick here.  Nor can you see anyone's breath when they speak.  Nor does anyone lose any ears or noses to frostbite.
But bloody hell, it's cold. Apparently.

Sorry, back to the men.  I wonder what these extra, unnamed characters are doing here?
Okay, you know what I'm getting at.  Obviously, they're going to die.  Is no one else disappointed in Game of Thrones for this?  Yes, it's a classic TV/movie trope: the guys you've never seen before always die on Star Trek, never the leading men.  But this was the glory of Game of Thrones, wasn't it?  In the beginning?  You never knew who was going to die.
The fact the teased us with the shot of just the seven men going Beyond the Wall made us believe that their lives were truly at stake.  But, no.  The men we've never seen before (who are they - wildlings? Previously unseen Brotherhood Without Banners members?  Men of the Night's Watch?) are done for.  Our main guys are safe.  And that sucks.  What's a story with no element of danger for the characters you care about?  Where is the tension if you know the Good Guys ™ have extra men to act as buffers and save them from what should surely be the slight risk of death?

Whatever.  Team Good Guys ™ Count: 13 men (7 named A-Team characters + 6 hooded randoms)
(Although at one point at the beginning here there is definitely an overhead shot of ten men #editing)

No time to dwell on that any further, we have to waste time on several inane conversations:

• Gendry has never seen snow and I think Tormund threatens to rape him, also Tormund utters what we're all thinking: "smart people don't come up here looking for the dead".  Oh and Jon = Mance for not kneeling, if you hadn't already spotted that clunky comparison when Dany said the exact same thing to Jon about not kneeling that he said to Mance... For not kneeling.  Except the Mance thing wasn't about pride.  Jon's appears to be.  #comparisons
• Gendry feels abused by his treatment from Melisandre (and Stannis, also, Gendry, your uncle.  The only Baratheon you've ever met.  Still fancy representing this House?) but that's gay because it almost sounded like fun bondage to The Hound and the rest of us manly men so lol get over it and stop whinging.
• Jon decides now, in the middle of the freezing cold wasteland (that you can't see your breath in), is the time to talk to Jorah about the fact that he knew his dad.  Jon also goes against Jeor's wishes and gives the sword to Jorah, who refuses it (Jorah was a slaver and so banished and disowned by the Mormonts - he doesn't deserve this sword but, hey, that's Jon's choice to make) but tells Jon to give it to his kids (BUT WAIT DANY CAN'T HAVE-)
• The Hound teaches Tormund (who thinks Brienne is 'waiting' to 'make babies' with him - it's not cute, guys, this is obsession and it's clearly one-sided and it needs to stop) the word 'dick' and everyone laughs because penises.
• Beric (who has the most amazing voice, doesn't he? What a waste) gives a speech about life and death and resurrection and how they are there to fight and Jon repeats his Night's Watch vow (you know, the vow he continues to break?  Even though he's pretending he's not resurrected?  Ok buddy).  Oh, and Beric also thinks Jon doesn't look like Ned and loooool I have to just stop this annoying listing now to draw your attention to this sentence from Chapter 6 of A Game of Thrones:

Jon looks like a Stark.  There's all this bullshit, which is clearly off-book, and then there's this.  This isn't writers continuing the story they've been given, or even adapting it.  This is them changing previously known details because they think they're good at foreshadowing (psssst, writers, here's a secret: you're not).  This is such a lazy way to try and tell the audience Jon isn't a Stark.  He looks like them, even if he's only half of one.  It is known.

Me @ D&D

They see the mountain that the Hound had a vision of, which looks like all the other mountains (and also lol yes it's a literal mountain and not his brother, keep on trying to get #CleganeBowl hype).  Then, one of the hooded guys is out front scouting as they enter a sudden blizzard they can barely see into, nothing ominous there until OMG SUDDEN ZOMBIE POLAR BEAR

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 12 men (7 named A-Team characters + 5 hooded randoms)
RIP Hood #1

They get into a circle, back to back but OMG HE'S HERE AGAIN

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 11 men (7 named A-Team characters + 4 hooded randoms)
RIP Hood #2

Thoros and Beric get their firey blades ready but HOLY SHIT SOMEONE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS BEAR

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 10 men (7 named A-Team characters + 3 hooded randoms)
RIP Hood #3

They manage to set the bear on fire, which terrifies the Hound and makes him freeze (lel) on the spot but finally, now actual important people are at risk, people get their act together and Thoros saves his life.  Unfortunately, it turns out fire doesn't harm bears as quickly as it harms White Walkers and it takes forever to it feel the effects.  The bear has a LOT of time to attack Thoros before Jorah manages to step in and stab it.  I think this was dragonglass.  Was it?  No one's discussed it since the caves but I'm presuming they didn't go without it?  It was weird the bear didn't shatter into a thousand pieces though...
They leave the dead men (they wasted too much time chatting earlier and now have no time to burn bodies) and move on.

When we return, they've spotted some White Walkers and decide to set a trap, which, as far as I can tell, is just 'light a fire and hide'.  The White Walkers fall for it and, by the shallow river which is clearly flowing (see right), they are ambushed.
Jon kills the blue guy with his Valyrian steel sword (phew, thank God Jorah said no, am I right?) and he shatters, as do all the others, except for one we will call Convenient Leftover.

Convenient Leftover is bound but screams and summons the rest of the undead.  Jon immediately realises he's a fucking idiot and tells Gendry (the guy who's never seen snow before, let alone dealt with cold like this) to run back to the Wall and get a raven to Dany.  Like all of us at home, Gendry's response is just like 'pfft, what?' but he eventually agrees, even leaving his hand crafted war hammer behind with Tormund, so he is completely unarmed

... Gendry makes it to the Wall.  He runs through an entire night apparently.

"It’s a pretty tenuous chain of events that needs to go exactly right for this move to pay off: Jon and his men need to survive long enough for Gendry to get back to Eastwatch and send a raven to Dragonstone, and then for Dany to fly to the rescue and then find them. But it’s all very exciting, so we go with it." - Entertainment Weekly review 

'Tenuous'
'Pretty tenuous'

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 9 men (6 named A-Team characters + 3 hooded randoms)
Well done for getting out of here, Gendry.  I sense bad stuff is coming.

Well, what do you know?  I was right!  We get more running from the team, most of whom make it to a rock in the middle of the frozen lake (heyyyy, remember that trickling stream by the fire, just a quick run away? lol consistency).  The White Walkers follow, some of them tackling a Hooded Man to the ground but oh shit it's not ground it's ice!

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 8 men (6 named A-Team characters + 2 hooded randoms)
RIP Hood #4

Water stops the White Walkers in a lovely circle around our boys and pfft I mean really guys they're screwed, right?  They're obviously all going to die.

Then it's morning and they've all had a bit of a nap, except Thoros, who is having a long ole nap with his eyes open.

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 7 men (5 named A-Team characters + 2 hooded randoms)
Bye, Thoros.  You froze to death died from zombie polar bear wounds died for a cause.  Apparently.


The Hound drinks more of Thoros' Mary Poppins hip flask until Jon takes it off him, douses Thoros in it and Beric sets him alight, Sandor's back turned again.  Beric tells Jon they should kill the Night's King as, based on the logic that killing the blue man before shattered 90% of the other dead people present, he must have brought them ALL back from the dead.  His plan is never discussed again.

The Hound is bored so kicks Convenient Leftover and then starts throwing rocks.  One of the rocks hits the frozen lake and the White Walkers, who are super smart, start to walk forwards.

OMG FIGHTING YAAAS THESE SCENES ARE ALWAYS SO WELL CHOREOGRAPHED

Oh Hood #5, what are you doing babe

Anyway, it's epic woooo
The Hound starts smashing ice with the hammer, which makes perfect sense to me, but soon stops after doing one little spot because TENSION IS NEEDED SO MORE FIGHTING.

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 6 men (5 named A-Team characters + 1 hooded random)
You know what you did, Hood #5.

Tension, you say?  How does Tormund getting attacked by like 5 wights, two of which have popped up out of the water to help, sound?  Yeah it takes at least 30 seconds for the Hound to rescue him but he's fine, no harm done.  He got a few of those slower White Walkers.

Jon starts screaming, "FLAAAAHHHH BLAHHHHHH," which I think is "fall back" but everyone else must be as confused as me because they all look at him, bemused.  Eventually, they get the memo and everyone starts moving up the rock, Jon dragging Convenient Leftover with him.

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 5 men (5 named A-Team characters + 0 hooded randoms)
Oh, Hood #6, did you really think you were going to make it?

Things look super grim for our A Team and we even get some slo-mo dramatic tension, which is fun, before the LOUD EMOTIONAL DRAGON MUSIC kicks into high gear.

Drogon, being instructed by Dany, is obv aiming for the White Walkers but, luckily, so are the other two dragons.  Could've been awkward if they just set Jon ablaze.  I mean, I would've loved it but people would probably be upset.
Weirdly, none of the men have any reaction to the dragons, except to hurry and run onto Drogon's back with Convenient Leftover in tow, whilst Jon continues to fight the few stragglers heading his way, luckily one at a time (bit weird that we've had two different examples of how scared The Hound is of fire but no emotional turmoil shown from him in reaction to a firey dragon being his one chance at survival).

But, omg, the Night King has a spear.  He has a choice to make here: three dragons to hit and one spear.  One dragon is out of sight, presumably heading home, the other is flying through the air and the final one is stationary in the middle of a frozen lake, holding a load of humans, whom you clearly have some issues with and have been staring out for, what, an entire day?
OF COURSE
OF COURSE you hit the moving dragon.

Plot armour strikes again to save Dany and the A Team!

And, I mean you can just feel the emotion of Dany losing one of her children here:

Look how sad Jorah is </3

Dany tries to wait for Jon, but he realises that the Night's King is preparing a second spear and tells her to go, before falling through the ice under some White Walkers.  Drogon is much quicker than Other Dragon Whose Name Is Not Important and dodges the spear, saving our heroes and getting them back to the Wall safely.

Genuinely, did anyone think Jon would be dead?
What does that tell us about our story?  That our main characters are invincible?

He climbs out of the water, not followed by any of the many, many White Walkers that fell through the ice with him and who can clearly swim, as proven by the guys that tried to grab Tormund,
He pulls himself out using Longclaw, which luckily landed right by the hole he fell into, and stumbles back towards the rock.
The White Walkers click onto the fact that he's alive and start to head towards him but of course he's rescued.

This time, by Benjen, who puts him on a horse but doesn't get on because "there's no time".  He's left to fight the swarms of undead and sacrifices himself for his nephew.  Like he already did.  For Bran that time.

Another slo-mo moment shows Jon facing inevitable death for the second time in the show and it's all so redundant because HE'S ALREADY DONE THIS ONCE.

Back to Eastwatch and we see the Hound throwing Convenient Leftover into a row boat and saying goodbye to Beric and Tormund, because apparently they're taking the wight to King's Landing by boat, not by dragon.  Time is not an issue, as proven as Dany asking for more time atop the Wall, waiting for Jon's return.  She's still not particularly moved by the loss of her child, more scared that Jon will not come back to her.  Sure.
Then, just as she's about to leave, Jon comes back.  Then, a Targaryen boat is somewhere (????) and Jon is just waking up, stab wounds still clear on his chest.  Dany sees this and looks.... sigh, I don't even know any more, excited?

He starts to wake up, and we get a cool shot, looking through his eyes.  We look at the windows and then this comes into focus:













Why is Dany not looking into Jon's eyes?  Is she meant to be and they forgot they were doing this from Jon's POV?  Or is she meant to be 'lovingly' looking at his crotch?

Here, Emilia decides she will fully emotionally break down as Jon holds her hand and agrees to bend the knee.  Because the loss of her child does not evoke tears.  This does.

Finally, we go back Beyond the Wall and the White Walkers are all working together with huge chains they've found... somewhere?  They pull Unspecified Dragon Who Is Not Drogon out of the water and omgggg whattttt he's got blue eyes.

High Points:

• Some of the aerial shots were cool I guess
•  
• 
  

Low Points:

• Dany's reaction to Unspecified Dragon dying
• T I M E
• Arya and Sansa

Summative Comment:

Follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness @noneedtomoan.  I've been a bit rubbish lately but am determined to keep on tweeting out the hate.  It's pretty cathartic.

And, if you would like to hear a more balanced recap of the episodes or just hear me argue with my friends, who like Game of Thrones, just a reminder to go and listen to our new podcast, She, Herself and Guy.  Our recap on will be out by Friday night.

I don't know how I'm going to get through next week.