Season Seven, Episode Six - Beyond The Wall

I've struggled this week.
Despite being proven wrong every episode, I never quite want to believe the leaked summaries (check out reddit/r/freefolk - it's the best for spoilers) are real because they just seem beyond ridiculous.  And yet, every week, I see that it wasn't just poorly written fan fiction; this is genuinely a show that people enjoy and think is good TV.  Episode Six has been reviewed at an average of 9.6/10 by 18,461 people on imdb and it just makes me want to die.
Anyway, if you're new here, my recaps and reviews for the rest of season seven are here: E1, E2 , E3, E4 and E5 and the podcast I make with my two friends that is currently covering Game of Thrones is here.  Prepare yourselves.  I transcend anger this week.  Pretty sure I'm reaching hysteria.

Oh dear.  It has begun.

Quick Q: Did everyone else see the random shot of the map, leading up to The Wall?  Then the fire crackling in the background?  There was no music and no further references to it so I ended up thinking that it was an editing error that had been overlooked in post.  I wouldn't put it past them.  
If everyone else did see this scene... Could someone please explain the point of it to me?  The title of the episode is literally, 'Beyond The Wall'.  I think I know where we're headed and thirty seconds of practically pitch black footage of a table map that no one has used in a while isn't adding anything here.

Okay I'm going to do this geographically again because I can't jump around from place to place like they did for fear of bursting a blood vessel.  Let's just dive into this with Winterfell.

Sansa wanders out onto the balcony to meet Arya who is officially Staring Into The Distance In Order To Wistfully Monologue.

She creepily tells stories of Ned approving of her challenging the rules of society and, yeah, cool, Ned was on board with her having these hobbies (he hired Syrio to help teach her some basic swordfighting) but he never approved of the 'rules are wrong' message she's conveying here.  Ned always knew that, one day, Arya would have to settle down, be a lady, get married, have children etc.  He might have known this wouldn't suit her and wouldn't be her choice but... There isn't a choice.  In a patriarchy, as a Lord, he and his children have to do as they are expected.  Fuck, if it wasn't for these sort of rules, Jon's life could've been very different.

Anyway, when her pathetic clapping ends what was a painfully dull soliloquy, she turns to Sansa and says, "Now he's dead, killed by the Lannisters... with your help".

Sansa trying to work out wtf's going on

Sansa is as confused as all of us are, until Arya reads the scroll to her (note -- Sansa literally tries to get her to stop reading it because she remembers it but Arya looks dead into the camera and is all 'no, I'll just read it, some of us need to hear it') and then she's DOUBLY confused.

But... Robb and Bran both realised I was writing this under duress?  As I was a fourteen year old girl, who'd just seen her father beheaded and was terrified for her life?  And my betrothed was emotionally abusing me?  I was going through quite a bit, mate, surely you realise I wasn't in my right mind?  Also, I sent it to Robb whilst he was fighting in the South.  How did it end up here?

Nope.  Arya has no time for your explanations or questions.  In fact, Sansa, Arya has another bombshell to drop: she saw you there, when your dad was beheaded.  Standing there.  In a pretty dress.

Remember?  I mean, you probably don't remember.
She judges you.  For standing there.  In a pretty dress.
Obviously, you mustn't have had an emotional reaction.  You mustn't have moved.  You obviously didn't have to be held back as you screamed and reached for your father.  In the books, your screams don't haunt Arya.
Nope.
This is just more stuff for Arya to hate you for.  Not terrible, heartbreaking pain that the two of you can bond over.  Unite over a common enemy and the loss of your beloved father.

So, yeah.  Evil Arya™ is officially mad at Sansa for the actions she took whilst trying to preserve her life, the life-altering decisions she was forced to make AS A CHILD.  Cool.
She says that she'll tell all the Northern Lords, even little Lyanna who is TOUGHER THAN YOU'LL EVER BE SANSA.  Sansa gives a good effort, telling her she'd saved the day at The Battle of the Bastards (which is apparently just what everyone in-universe is calling this now?) and we all scream YAAAS SANSA NOW TELL LITTLEFINGER THE SAME AND THAT YOU DON'T NEED HIM WOOOO

Me @  The Winterfell Shitshow

Despite this incredibly sound logic, Arya stays angry and storms off, letting the threat linger so, obviously, Sansa confides in Littlefinger.  The guy whose every move is questioned, who no one trusts and no one knows why is there.  THAT GUY.  He lies and says he doesn't know where the letter came from because chaos is a laddah and then... I don't know.  I think he threatens both her and Arya with Brienne, who is honour-bound to protect them.

Whatever this plan is meant to be, it doesn't play as a well thought-out and carefully played game of chess.  Right now, rather, it all feels a bit like Jenga.  No, not Jenga, that requires forethought and planning.  Buckaroo.  Littlefinger is playing Buckaroo and we're meant to think he's an unrivalled Grand Master.

Anyway, later on, Sansa gets a raven about a meeting with the Lannisters that we haven't been told about but we are assuming is the whole 'show Cersei our dead zombie thing' plan coming to fruition.
Weird, because this is Jon's plan and Sansa said in the previous scene that she hadn't heard from him in two weeks.  You'd think he'd get Varys or someone to pass on word about his plan so that Sansa knew this invitation was important.  Huh.
So our Sansa doesn't fancy it and decides to send Brienne.  Sensible.  The exact opposite to Jon's plan of taking himself off to meet Dany and putting himself at risk for no reason and very, very logical.  Except, the writers decide to make this the bitchiest conversation ever to put Brienne in her place.
YEAH TAKE THAT BRIENNE, CARING ABOUT ME AND MY CRAZY EVIL SISTER

(N.B. Some people are hypothesising that this is all part of Sansa's plan to get rid of the Arya threat; after Littlefinger's words, she knows she needs Brienne out of the way to do anything about her sister.  I call bullshit on this.  The hugely heavy-handed, clanging 'Jaime' name drop is the reason they want Brienne in King's Landing.  Maybe they added the Littlefinger stuff in to justify this but... Nahhh sorry mate I'm not having this.  Nor am I having that Arya has actually killed Littlefinger and is now wearing his face to 'test' Sansa.  Stop trying to make sense of what are just horribly written storylines)


Not to worry.  Only one Winterfell scene left.
OH NO WAIT IT'S THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING EVER

Sansa goes snooping around Arya's room to look for... Things.  She sees the dagger.  No surprises there.  Then, oop, something under the bed catches her eye.  Oh wow, it's a rather lovely brown leather messenger bag, wonder where she's picked that up because she didn't have it when she walked into Winterfell, did she?  I feel like I would've noticed such a beautifully crafted-- Oh, it's full of faces.  Oh, wonderful.

Literal.
Faces.

When she transformed into a huge elderly man?
Just a face mask thing.  Nothing else.

Nothing to change her height or the rest of her body.

LOOK AT HIS HANDS

WHAT

The writers' complete misinterpretation of the Faceless Men and their techniques aside, the rest of this scene is pretty nonsensical anyway.
Arya continues to threaten Sansa, this time saying she will peel her face off and wear it and enjoy wearing dresses and stuff.  She reiterates the fact that she always wished she could be a knight.  News to me, tbf.  She was a tomboy.  She didn't enjoy 'girly' things.  But, as I explained earlier, both Arya and Ned understood the Westerosi societal expectations they lived under.  They knew that this was never a possibility.  Arya never seemed mad about it to me, more jealous that Sansa was inherently good at everything she knew would never succeed it.
Apparently the patriarchal world that has disappeared over the past few episodes has returned with a vengeance and Arya's answer is to turn on her sister. #feminism

Shall we just go to Dragonstone?

"Do you know what I like about you?" Dany pondered, enjoying the opportunity to tell Tyrion how great he is yet again.  I don't even want to summarise this scene as its only purpose was to build tension between the Beyond The Wall shots and remind us that Tyrion is just the best.  Oh, also to remind the audience of these things:

• Dany can't have children and so will have no successor (a plan for which Tyrion probably should've talked through BEFORE pledging eternal allegiance to his queen)
• Dany has no say in any tactical decisions or anything a queen should be involved in deciding ('do we have a trap?' - MATE WHY DON'T YOU KNOW THIS)
• Dany fancies Jon  (OoooOOooOoOoOooohHh)

Later, presumably after receiving the fastest raven in existence, Dany is hopping on a dragon to save her man the world. But, oh no, a decision she's made on her own?  NOT ON TYRION'S WATCH.  He's worried she's putting herself in too much danger, even though she's wearing thick, protective armour --

I mean lol what

She goes anyway, though.  I'm sure Tyrion will not be proved right.
Everything's going to go great.

And now, the biggie.  Beyond the Wall (gasp!  The episode is called that!)

So, at the end of episode five, we saw the A-Team ready to go capture a White Walker:

Yep.



All seven of them.




Great team.

Good, lucky number.


Huh.  Look at that.

There's a few extra men.
I can't... I can't really see their faces.  They appear to be covered with scarves and/or hoods, which is incredibly sensible really.
It's very, very fucking cold, isn't it?
Even if it isn't snowing like it is in Winterfell.  Nor is the snow very thick here.  Nor can you see anyone's breath when they speak.  Nor does anyone lose any ears or noses to frostbite.
But bloody hell, it's cold. Apparently.

Sorry, back to the men.  I wonder what these extra, unnamed characters are doing here?
Okay, you know what I'm getting at.  Obviously, they're going to die.  Is no one else disappointed in Game of Thrones for this?  Yes, it's a classic TV/movie trope: the guys you've never seen before always die on Star Trek, never the leading men.  But this was the glory of Game of Thrones, wasn't it?  In the beginning?  You never knew who was going to die.
The fact the teased us with the shot of just the seven men going Beyond the Wall made us believe that their lives were truly at stake.  But, no.  The men we've never seen before (who are they - wildlings? Previously unseen Brotherhood Without Banners members?  Men of the Night's Watch?) are done for.  Our main guys are safe.  And that sucks.  What's a story with no element of danger for the characters you care about?  Where is the tension if you know the Good Guys ™ have extra men to act as buffers and save them from what should surely be the slight risk of death?

Whatever.  Team Good Guys ™ Count: 13 men (7 named A-Team characters + 6 hooded randoms)
(Although at one point at the beginning here there is definitely an overhead shot of ten men #editing)

No time to dwell on that any further, we have to waste time on several inane conversations:

• Gendry has never seen snow and I think Tormund threatens to rape him, also Tormund utters what we're all thinking: "smart people don't come up here looking for the dead".  Oh and Jon = Mance for not kneeling, if you hadn't already spotted that clunky comparison when Dany said the exact same thing to Jon about not kneeling that he said to Mance... For not kneeling.  Except the Mance thing wasn't about pride.  Jon's appears to be.  #comparisons
• Gendry feels abused by his treatment from Melisandre (and Stannis, also, Gendry, your uncle.  The only Baratheon you've ever met.  Still fancy representing this House?) but that's gay because it almost sounded like fun bondage to The Hound and the rest of us manly men so lol get over it and stop whinging.
• Jon decides now, in the middle of the freezing cold wasteland (that you can't see your breath in), is the time to talk to Jorah about the fact that he knew his dad.  Jon also goes against Jeor's wishes and gives the sword to Jorah, who refuses it (Jorah was a slaver and so banished and disowned by the Mormonts - he doesn't deserve this sword but, hey, that's Jon's choice to make) but tells Jon to give it to his kids (BUT WAIT DANY CAN'T HAVE-)
• The Hound teaches Tormund (who thinks Brienne is 'waiting' to 'make babies' with him - it's not cute, guys, this is obsession and it's clearly one-sided and it needs to stop) the word 'dick' and everyone laughs because penises.
• Beric (who has the most amazing voice, doesn't he? What a waste) gives a speech about life and death and resurrection and how they are there to fight and Jon repeats his Night's Watch vow (you know, the vow he continues to break?  Even though he's pretending he's not resurrected?  Ok buddy).  Oh, and Beric also thinks Jon doesn't look like Ned and loooool I have to just stop this annoying listing now to draw your attention to this sentence from Chapter 6 of A Game of Thrones:

Jon looks like a Stark.  There's all this bullshit, which is clearly off-book, and then there's this.  This isn't writers continuing the story they've been given, or even adapting it.  This is them changing previously known details because they think they're good at foreshadowing (psssst, writers, here's a secret: you're not).  This is such a lazy way to try and tell the audience Jon isn't a Stark.  He looks like them, even if he's only half of one.  It is known.

Me @ D&D

They see the mountain that the Hound had a vision of, which looks like all the other mountains (and also lol yes it's a literal mountain and not his brother, keep on trying to get #CleganeBowl hype).  Then, one of the hooded guys is out front scouting as they enter a sudden blizzard they can barely see into, nothing ominous there until OMG SUDDEN ZOMBIE POLAR BEAR

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 12 men (7 named A-Team characters + 5 hooded randoms)
RIP Hood #1

They get into a circle, back to back but OMG HE'S HERE AGAIN

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 11 men (7 named A-Team characters + 4 hooded randoms)
RIP Hood #2

Thoros and Beric get their firey blades ready but HOLY SHIT SOMEONE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS BEAR

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 10 men (7 named A-Team characters + 3 hooded randoms)
RIP Hood #3

They manage to set the bear on fire, which terrifies the Hound and makes him freeze (lel) on the spot but finally, now actual important people are at risk, people get their act together and Thoros saves his life.  Unfortunately, it turns out fire doesn't harm bears as quickly as it harms White Walkers and it takes forever to it feel the effects.  The bear has a LOT of time to attack Thoros before Jorah manages to step in and stab it.  I think this was dragonglass.  Was it?  No one's discussed it since the caves but I'm presuming they didn't go without it?  It was weird the bear didn't shatter into a thousand pieces though...
They leave the dead men (they wasted too much time chatting earlier and now have no time to burn bodies) and move on.

When we return, they've spotted some White Walkers and decide to set a trap, which, as far as I can tell, is just 'light a fire and hide'.  The White Walkers fall for it and, by the shallow river which is clearly flowing (see right), they are ambushed.
Jon kills the blue guy with his Valyrian steel sword (phew, thank God Jorah said no, am I right?) and he shatters, as do all the others, except for one we will call Convenient Leftover.

Convenient Leftover is bound but screams and summons the rest of the undead.  Jon immediately realises he's a fucking idiot and tells Gendry (the guy who's never seen snow before, let alone dealt with cold like this) to run back to the Wall and get a raven to Dany.  Like all of us at home, Gendry's response is just like 'pfft, what?' but he eventually agrees, even leaving his hand crafted war hammer behind with Tormund, so he is completely unarmed

... Gendry makes it to the Wall.  He runs through an entire night apparently.

"It’s a pretty tenuous chain of events that needs to go exactly right for this move to pay off: Jon and his men need to survive long enough for Gendry to get back to Eastwatch and send a raven to Dragonstone, and then for Dany to fly to the rescue and then find them. But it’s all very exciting, so we go with it." - Entertainment Weekly review 

'Tenuous'
'Pretty tenuous'

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 9 men (6 named A-Team characters + 3 hooded randoms)
Well done for getting out of here, Gendry.  I sense bad stuff is coming.

Well, what do you know?  I was right!  We get more running from the team, most of whom make it to a rock in the middle of the frozen lake (heyyyy, remember that trickling stream by the fire, just a quick run away? lol consistency).  The White Walkers follow, some of them tackling a Hooded Man to the ground but oh shit it's not ground it's ice!

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 8 men (6 named A-Team characters + 2 hooded randoms)
RIP Hood #4

Water stops the White Walkers in a lovely circle around our boys and pfft I mean really guys they're screwed, right?  They're obviously all going to die.

Then it's morning and they've all had a bit of a nap, except Thoros, who is having a long ole nap with his eyes open.

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 7 men (5 named A-Team characters + 2 hooded randoms)
Bye, Thoros.  You froze to death died from zombie polar bear wounds died for a cause.  Apparently.


The Hound drinks more of Thoros' Mary Poppins hip flask until Jon takes it off him, douses Thoros in it and Beric sets him alight, Sandor's back turned again.  Beric tells Jon they should kill the Night's King as, based on the logic that killing the blue man before shattered 90% of the other dead people present, he must have brought them ALL back from the dead.  His plan is never discussed again.

The Hound is bored so kicks Convenient Leftover and then starts throwing rocks.  One of the rocks hits the frozen lake and the White Walkers, who are super smart, start to walk forwards.

OMG FIGHTING YAAAS THESE SCENES ARE ALWAYS SO WELL CHOREOGRAPHED

Oh Hood #5, what are you doing babe

Anyway, it's epic woooo
The Hound starts smashing ice with the hammer, which makes perfect sense to me, but soon stops after doing one little spot because TENSION IS NEEDED SO MORE FIGHTING.

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 6 men (5 named A-Team characters + 1 hooded random)
You know what you did, Hood #5.

Tension, you say?  How does Tormund getting attacked by like 5 wights, two of which have popped up out of the water to help, sound?  Yeah it takes at least 30 seconds for the Hound to rescue him but he's fine, no harm done.  He got a few of those slower White Walkers.

Jon starts screaming, "FLAAAAHHHH BLAHHHHHH," which I think is "fall back" but everyone else must be as confused as me because they all look at him, bemused.  Eventually, they get the memo and everyone starts moving up the rock, Jon dragging Convenient Leftover with him.

Team Good Guys ™ Count: 5 men (5 named A-Team characters + 0 hooded randoms)
Oh, Hood #6, did you really think you were going to make it?

Things look super grim for our A Team and we even get some slo-mo dramatic tension, which is fun, before the LOUD EMOTIONAL DRAGON MUSIC kicks into high gear.

Drogon, being instructed by Dany, is obv aiming for the White Walkers but, luckily, so are the other two dragons.  Could've been awkward if they just set Jon ablaze.  I mean, I would've loved it but people would probably be upset.
Weirdly, none of the men have any reaction to the dragons, except to hurry and run onto Drogon's back with Convenient Leftover in tow, whilst Jon continues to fight the few stragglers heading his way, luckily one at a time (bit weird that we've had two different examples of how scared The Hound is of fire but no emotional turmoil shown from him in reaction to a firey dragon being his one chance at survival).

But, omg, the Night King has a spear.  He has a choice to make here: three dragons to hit and one spear.  One dragon is out of sight, presumably heading home, the other is flying through the air and the final one is stationary in the middle of a frozen lake, holding a load of humans, whom you clearly have some issues with and have been staring out for, what, an entire day?
OF COURSE
OF COURSE you hit the moving dragon.

Plot armour strikes again to save Dany and the A Team!

And, I mean you can just feel the emotion of Dany losing one of her children here:

Look how sad Jorah is </3

Dany tries to wait for Jon, but he realises that the Night's King is preparing a second spear and tells her to go, before falling through the ice under some White Walkers.  Drogon is much quicker than Other Dragon Whose Name Is Not Important and dodges the spear, saving our heroes and getting them back to the Wall safely.

Genuinely, did anyone think Jon would be dead?
What does that tell us about our story?  That our main characters are invincible?

He climbs out of the water, not followed by any of the many, many White Walkers that fell through the ice with him and who can clearly swim, as proven by the guys that tried to grab Tormund,
He pulls himself out using Longclaw, which luckily landed right by the hole he fell into, and stumbles back towards the rock.
The White Walkers click onto the fact that he's alive and start to head towards him but of course he's rescued.

This time, by Benjen, who puts him on a horse but doesn't get on because "there's no time".  He's left to fight the swarms of undead and sacrifices himself for his nephew.  Like he already did.  For Bran that time.

Another slo-mo moment shows Jon facing inevitable death for the second time in the show and it's all so redundant because HE'S ALREADY DONE THIS ONCE.

Back to Eastwatch and we see the Hound throwing Convenient Leftover into a row boat and saying goodbye to Beric and Tormund, because apparently they're taking the wight to King's Landing by boat, not by dragon.  Time is not an issue, as proven as Dany asking for more time atop the Wall, waiting for Jon's return.  She's still not particularly moved by the loss of her child, more scared that Jon will not come back to her.  Sure.
Then, just as she's about to leave, Jon comes back.  Then, a Targaryen boat is somewhere (????) and Jon is just waking up, stab wounds still clear on his chest.  Dany sees this and looks.... sigh, I don't even know any more, excited?

He starts to wake up, and we get a cool shot, looking through his eyes.  We look at the windows and then this comes into focus:













Why is Dany not looking into Jon's eyes?  Is she meant to be and they forgot they were doing this from Jon's POV?  Or is she meant to be 'lovingly' looking at his crotch?

Here, Emilia decides she will fully emotionally break down as Jon holds her hand and agrees to bend the knee.  Because the loss of her child does not evoke tears.  This does.

Finally, we go back Beyond the Wall and the White Walkers are all working together with huge chains they've found... somewhere?  They pull Unspecified Dragon Who Is Not Drogon out of the water and omgggg whattttt he's got blue eyes.

High Points:

• Some of the aerial shots were cool I guess
•  
• 
  

Low Points:

• Dany's reaction to Unspecified Dragon dying
• T I M E
• Arya and Sansa

Summative Comment:

Follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness @noneedtomoan.  I've been a bit rubbish lately but am determined to keep on tweeting out the hate.  It's pretty cathartic.

And, if you would like to hear a more balanced recap of the episodes or just hear me argue with my friends, who like Game of Thrones, just a reminder to go and listen to our new podcast, She, Herself and Guy.  Our recap on will be out by Friday night.

I don't know how I'm going to get through next week.

Season Seven, Episode Five - Eastwatch

Hi there all.  Here we are again.  My recaps and reviews for the rest of season seven are here: E1, E2 , E3 and E4 and the podcast I make with my two friends that is currently covering Game of Thrones is here.

But, hey.  More importantly, it's that time again.

Mood.  Always.

Sigh.
I've officially given up.  I'm no longer setting my alarm and getting up at 01:45 to make sure I catch the new episode.  I get up, like normal, and half-watch the episode whilst getting ready.
This may not seem like a big deal to you but, honestly, as someone who has been obsessed with A Song of Ice and Fire for years now, it hurts a little to completely abandon any hope I once had for this TV show to do the books justice.
Well, no.  That's not true.  I lost hope in that a while ago.
Since season five, my only wish has been for the show to be good.  To entertain me.  For the writing to be crafted and thought-through.  For it to be logical.  Tolerable.

"There are a few provisos and a couple of quid pro quos... 

Tyrion will be great, always, time and distance mean nothing now and Dorne? Hahahahahaa

... The more episodes we get, the more I realise this wish is never going to be granted.

Anyway, not to worry.  I'll just find some GIFs to try and keep me calm and cry myself to sleep at night.  What a plan.

Okay then.  Episode Five.  Strap yourselves in; this got weird.

We start back in... The Reach.
You know me, right?  I'm not one to nitpick.  However, let's pretend for one moment that I believe a few things: that the water Bronn pushed Jaime into was actually that deep, despite it being shallow enough for him to ride his horse through mere moments ago, that Jaime's heavy armour didn't weigh him down and make him impossible to pull very far at all and also that Jaime has a hand literally made out of gold...
How did Bronn and Jaime both hold their breaths for this long?  Because, let's be honest, they've made it a fair old way downstream before we see them taking what is presumably their first deep breath after struggling underwater all this time.  It was a huge, gasping breath and Jaime actually throws up some water, so one has to assume that this is them only just resurfacing.  This added to the fact that Dany and her people haven't caught them, implying they must have got pretty far away, is just insanity.
So, according to season seven, when in battle, the best thing to do is just jump into the nearest body of water.  Your enemies will just assume you're dead apparently and not even try to retrieve you.  First Theon, now Jaime and Bronn.

Anyway, they get out of the water and Jaime tells Bronn that they need to be concerned about the dragons.  Bronn is all, "nuh uh, dragons were not part of our deal," which I totally buy as something a sellsword who's changed sides depending on who's paying.  I don't buy it for the hero who ran through fire to get to a crossbow to save a family name he has no connection to and who jumped into a pool of water of unspecified depth to save a man he just lost all his gold for.
I don't get Bronn any more.  Is he in love with Jaime?  I mean, it'd explain a lot.

Presumably just around the corner, Dany and the Dothraki are rounding up the survivors from the battle (not Jaime Lannister though, he's probably dead don't worry about him) to threaten them with death whilst lecturing them about how their current queen will start wars and murder the innocent and also did you know both pots and kettles are black?

VERY WELL.  GIVE THEM CAKE.

I mean, if that wasn't motivation enough, Dany offers them "a choice" (according to Benioff and Weiss in the Inside the Episode): bend the knee or die.  I can't even get into how this is not a choice.  Anything 'or death' is not a choice.
But, more importantly, are we supposed to like Dany here?  Or, like Tyrion, be concerned for her?  Is this use of 'Dracarys' scary and ominous but her other times we're meant to be screaming 'YAAAAS QWEEEN'?  Help am confused.

Anyway, not so surprisingly, most of the soldiers choose life and bend the knee to Dany rather than facing painful death by being burned alive.  However, tough men Tarly Boiz remain standing because... Well honestly no one knows.
Tarly is stubborn, sure, but he did just recently abandon the Tarlys' age hold allegiance with the Tyrells to side with the Lannisters but that new loyalty apparently runs real deep.  He goes all Brexit again and tells Dany he can't bend the knee to her because she's not from round these parts, basically.
She wasn't "born in Westeros" (*cough* we were literally told last week that she was born at Dragonstone *cough*) so how can he trust her?
Then Dickon gets awkward and is like, but he stood up so now I kind of have to stay stood up...  His dad tells him to kneel but he refuses and, yeah, Dany kills them.  (I guess we'll never know how he felt about Sam stealing the ancestral sword, huh?  Another random story popped in there for no reason.)
Tyrion is obviously seriously peturbed by all of this burning malarkey and wants her to offer the Night's Watch or any other type alternative because his moral compass always points due North -

#neverforget

Right, in all seriousness, the writers' aim on this show has always been to show Tyrion in a favourable light, and that's fine; he's obviously their favourite character, they're perfectly entitled to change the show to fit around him BUT they do seem to be obsessed with making every storyline revolve around him.  This is Dany's plotline, right?  HER fight to become Queen of the Seven Kingdoms?  Then why, in every important scene we've had of her, is Tyrion the focus?
When we first get a proper scene of Dany at Dragonstone, we get Tyrion and Varys explaining to her that she was born in a storm.  When it comes time for her to reveal her big plans for attack, it turns out Tyrion has made all the decisions and it's him explaining the tactics at every given opportunity (including a hugely unnecessary voiceover describing the entire battle).  When she was about to die at the hands of Jaime, we get an emotional close up of Tyrion, calling him an idiot.  When she's making stupid violent powerful political decisions in The Reach, we get close ups of Tyrion's moral struggle to accept her choice.  Not to mention all the times she's looked to Tyrion for permission before making big decisions.

I'm honestly bored of the Tyrion Too Pure For This World But Also Very Smart And Great At Plans act now and I'd just like to see the main characters of each plotline be back in charge of their own stories.  Please.

Sorry.  Back to the episode.  Dany leaves Tyrion to probably just walk back or maybe just ride in the lap of Dothraki (I'm imagining there's no blacksmith at Dragonstone to make his special equipment to help him ride a horse?) and flies Drogon back home.  She bumps into Jon and OMG HE TOUCHES HIS FACE WHAAAAAT
We get an amazing, emotion-filled close up of Dany as she realises her beau, her betrothed, her lover, her nephew Jon is super into dragons too:

Tbh I've just been waiting to be able to use this GIF <3

On a serious note, dear show watchers - do you know what significance this has?  Do you know who Jon is?  Or why that's important?  I'm not trying to be patronising, I swear; I am genuinely intrigued if this has been conveyed effectively.  I can't help but feel that this has been hugely underexplained.  It's this HUGE spoiler and yet, since they showed some baby's face fading into Jon's, nothing's been said about it.  Lots of clunky references to him not being a Stark and actually being a Targaryen but the relationship just ignored and confusing.
Sigh.  All the backstory we get that is so unnecessary and yet this is just avoided.

Speaking of unnecessary, remember when Jorah got greyscale?
Was there a point to that?  What was gained?  What did this do to the plot of the show?  Was there anything that happened because of this storyline or was it just another pointless addition?  Sam could have done a multitude of things to get himself in trouble.  Jorah could've been sent off on some other stupid meaningless task.
Gah.  I mean, he didn't even find a cure; he happened upon an acolyte willing to risk his place at the Citadel to peel the bad stuff off (because greyscale is cured by just taking off the top layer of skin).

Anyway, Jorah is back now.
The Dothraki escort him in.  Because the Dothraki are back.  An entire hoarde has managed to march from the Reach and sail across to Dragonstone in the same amount of time it's taken Dany to ride Drogon there.  Uh huh.  Seems legit.

But yeah lol he's still friendzoned because that's the most important facet of their relationship.

Omg I haven't even done Winterfell yet and I'm already so mad.
So, by the weirwood tree, Bran is using a flock of ravens (why so many, Bran?  Just use one three eyed one bbz) to have a nosey beyond the Wall (remember there?  There's a shit tonne of White Walkers walking in slow motion towards Westeros over there).  Anyway, it turns out that there's a shit tonne of White Walkers walking towards Westeros over there and we're all like

And Bran decides it's time to send some ravens.  So he just wargs into some ravens again and sends them to the various locations he needs the news to travel tells his maester to write out the messages.

Cut back to Dragonstone, where Tyrion and Varys are discussing how Dany would be an amazing queen if she just stopped making decisions and let them control every aspect of her rule. #feminism
Anyway, the maester's super time travelling raven has reached already and Varys tells Tyrion he hasn't read it because it's just for the eyes of Jon but it says about the White Walkers if you must know.  Hahhahaahahahahahah he said he didn't read it but he did #comedy
They hand this over to Jon, who discusses it with Dany and wants to go fight.  She won't give him permission to leave so there may be some conflict here--

Oh no, it's okay Tyrion has a plan.  Again.  Rehash what has already been done with Alliser Thorne and the wight's hand Go and capture one White Walker and bring it back 'alive' to show to Cersei.  Then, they can all band together and fight the common enemy.
Wow, Tyrion is bad at plans.

Of course we're back in King's Landing again because it's been far too long since we saw Cersei.  She won't believe that they're losing, nor will she take an elderly woman's deathbed confession to her son's murder.  Fair.

King's Landing got me like

Anyway, because what even is logic anymore, Davos and Tyrion are landing outside the Red Keep.  In broad daylight.  Davos tells him not to worry about being spotted; the Gold Cloaks don't come down here anymore because there's too many steps... K.

They split up, with Tyrion going to the skull room to meet with Jaime.  Bronn has apparently set this up, convincing Jaime that he's actually just going training.

Okay.  What?
How much time has passed between Tyrion coming up with this plan and him managing to co-ordinate this with Bronn?  HOW did he organise this with Bronn?  Secret mobile phones?  Landlines?  Fax machines?  Pagers?  How would he get a raven directly to a sellsword who hangs out with Jaime without it going through Qyburn?  WHAT THE FUCK?

Regardless of the implausibility of this entire scene, Jaime is obviously upset with Tyrion and has no time for his 'wah, wah, my dad hated me' thing.  Neither do I, Jaime.  I hear you.
WHAT WAS THE POINT IN THIS SCENE?

Jaime goes to tell Cersei everything that happened right away because they're so in love and tell each other everything.  But she already knew!  How, you ask?  Pregnancy telepathy!  Yep.  She's pregnant.  He's the father and that's what she's going to tell everyone: that she's pregnant with the bastard child of her own brother.

I obviously have a lot of questions but I can't tell if I even care anymore.

... Yep.  I do.
What happened to her belief in the prophecy?  I know they broke it for her black haired Baratheon babe but is this it being broken again?  Does she even care about it anymore?  Is the valonqar even a thing in the show?  Are they trying to seed some sort of conflict between the two of them?  By having them embrace in the knowledge that they're going to be parents again?  What's her plan with Euron?  Is he supposed to just be okay with this?

Meanwhile, over in Fleabottom, we get a ridiculous amount of fan service that is so disappointing I can't even fathom it.  Yep.  It's the moment we've all known has been coming all season.  Gendry's back.  He's working as a blacksmith for the Lannister army.

UGHHH
No.  What?  This was the best place for him?!
No...  Probs not mate.  He's been handcrafting a war hammer, with the Baratheon stag on it, whilst working for the Lannisters.  And he hasn't got caught.
Okay.  Well, to reiterate: no...
But, even if he had managed to go without being caught for this long, what's with the sudden Baratheon obsession?  He didn't know his dad.  He had no relationship with him.  His association with the Baratheon name has brought him nothing but horrific events.  Why would he have a connection with him?  Why would he model himself after the dad he never knew?

We don't get the answers to any of these questions because there is apparently no time - after Davos makes a quick, 'ooh thought you'd still be rowing' *wink wink* (ARRGGGHH OMG I HATE THIS SHOW) joke to the audience, it's time they were getting back to the boat.  Back on the beach, Davos bribes some Gold Cloaks with a ridiculous amount of gold dragons and then shows that they're innocent because they have fermented crab.

Remember disguises?

That all worked really well until the guards see Tyrion just wandering out from the steps they never venture down because apparently Tyrion can't hide or wear a hood anymore or anything.   He's literally the most wanted man in Westeros but who cares about hiding anymore, right?
Gendry bashes their skulls in with the hammer and we all scream YAAAAAAS GENDRY GET IT or maybe just shake our heads in despair.

Then they're back in Dragonstone and Davos tells Gendry to keep quiet about who he is but SURPRISE HE TELLS JON SO THEY CAN BE BEST FRIENDS

I understand what they're going for here and, despite myself, I do feel some things because all I want is Ned and Robert and season one back.

These feelings swiftly disappear when they make clunky references to the scene pictured to the left.  I just wish the writers would let us make links ourselves and not have to spell everything out for us.  It's painful.  Sigh.  By the time all of these horrifically heavy-handed throwbacks are done, Gendry has agreed to go Beyond the Wall with Jon and Jorah.


There's a fun awkward goodbye, when Jorah proves he definitely doesn't have greyscale by snogging Dany's hand (this is genuinely the FOURTH time they've said goodbye), and then they really, really try and ramp up the sexual tension between Jon and Dany but it's all just forced and... meh.  I don't feel it.  Beyond disappointing.

Sam overhears the maesters reading Bran's letter in The Citadel and decides to weigh in because of course Sam can talk to his superiors like this.  He tries to persuade them to take the threat seriously but they're having none of it.  Cut to: wherever Sam and Gilly live and Gilly is reading random facts to him to try and cheer him up (more steps talk?) and she just happens to drop a bombshell.

Let me get this straight:  an annulment was issued to Prince Rhaegar Targaryen so he could get married him to somebody else.  An annulment.  After they've been married for years.  And have legitimate heirs to the throne (so, you know, it's been consummated).  This is not how annulments work.  In any world.
Again -- show watchers, is this not the most boring bit of backstory ever?  Why would you care?  DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO RHAEGAR IS?
I know I was moaning about them not seeding Jon's backstory but do they think this helps?  Who would catch this except bookreaders?  This is ridiculous.

In case you are confused:
Gendry could claim he is the rightful heir to the throne as he is the last surviving son of King Robert Baratheon, who usurped the throne from Aerys Targaryen.
Dany could claim she's the rightful heir to the throne as she is the last surviving daughter of the Mad King Aerys Targaryen.
Jon could claim he is the rightful heir to the throne as he is the last surving son of Prince Rhaegar Targaryen (boys > girls in the futile system).

And now, omg, they're all in the same place omgggg what such writing many skills very coincedence

Whatever, Sam ignores this and goes and steals a few scrolls/books that he suddenly knows are the important ones.  He takes these, along with Baby Sam That Is Still Inexplicably A Baby and Gilly and legs it.  We're not sure where to.  Or why.  But off he pops.

Ugh, back in Winterfell, Sansa is having the Northern Lords complain to her about the lack of Jon.  Why?  You knew where he was going, promised to remain loyal...  As much as I hate Show Sansa atm, she did handle this in the right way.  She wasn't overly supportive of him, no, but she did her job of leading Winterfell and keeping the peace.  And then, just as I was complimenting Sansa, she winds me right up by saying that they can't sit and wait for Jon forever.  Like Ghost.  Oh Sansa.  Oh, don't even.
Why are the writers going so weird and meta this season?  Is it explicitly to upset me?  I feel more and more personally victimised with every episode.

Arya be like

Arya, meanwhile, is weird and creepy and staring at Sansa and decides that they should just behead everyone -- what?  Does this make sense?  At all?
Anyway, she sneakily sneaks to follow sneaky Littlefinger and sneakily sees that he's being sneaky.  He, however, out-sneaks her and plants a letter that Sansa wrote whilst being held hostage by Cersei.  Very sneaky Littlefinger, well done on the sneaks.  You were much sneakier than sneaky Arya who literally just stood out in the open, staring at you and hoping you wouldn't turn around.
Gah, just kill him already.  This is worse than Olly.

I was about to say thank God it's nearly over but bleurgh we have to go to Eastwatch first.
Jon, Jorah and Gendry go meet up with Tormund, who is confused about which queen they support now and why Jon keeps putting all the expendable wildlings in harm's way.  Then, they go down to the cells and they're storing some more fan service in there: The Hound, Beric and Thoros.  Gendry helpfully reminds the audience that he hates the Brotherhood because they sold him to Mel.  They all put their pasts aside, though, and walk out into the snow as one big happy family.

Show fans after today's episode

And, just like that, it's over.
Anyone else feel like SO MUCH is happening and yet nothing is really happening at all?


High Points:

• Erm
• Maybe
• The bit where I pretended it was Season One?
• Lena Headey just constantly smashing everything

Low Points:

• Lack of thorough explanation of R+L=J
• Random unnecessary storylines: Jorah's greyscale, Heartsbane being stolen, Cersei's prophecy
• Meta moments: Davos' rowing comment, Sansa's mention of Ghost
• The fact it's now The Tyrion Show ft. Dragons

Summative Comment:

Follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness @noneedtomoan

And, if you would like to hear a more balanced recap of the episodes or just hear me argue with my friends, who like Game of Thrones, just a reminder to go and listen to our new podcast, She, Herself and Guy.  Our recap on will be out by Friday night.

Stay strong, guys.  We can do this.

Season Seven, Episode Four - The Spoils of War

Hi there gang.  Another week, another review and another few hours spent wondering why I continue to do this to myself.

Actual footage of me, post episode

My recaps and reviews for the rest of season seven are here: E1, E2  and E3 and the podcast I make with my two friends that is currently covering Game of Thrones is here.

Go catch up on those and then come back so we can get started on the action-packed 47 minute long thrill ride that was Episode Four!

This week, I'm going to try something a little different and recap and review by geographical location, rather than in the order events were shown in the episode (I know this isn't interesting to anyone else but I just had to point it out before I started ok sorry).  Oh, also, remember when I said I wasn't going to talk about the timeline anymore?  Yeah, no, sorry, I'm going to have to do that.  I just have to.

Right.  Let's start with The Reach.

Bleurgh.

No.  Not ready yet.  Sorry.

Let's try Winterfell instead, where Creepy Littlefinger isn't convinced he's been creepy enough yet so has moved on from Sansa to 'Brandon' (such an unnecessary use of his full name).  

He gifts him the dagger that was used to try and kill him (cute present, bbz thnx) way back in Season One (aka the writers' favourite season of all time apparently).  Luckily, we weren't too surprised by this because Game of Thrones has been back to its old tricks of #FORESHADOWING anything that's about to happen so that we can all see it coming for miles.  In case you missed it, it was on the page Sam lingered on for no reason two episodes ago.

Apparently Bran's plan in a nutshell

Bran asks Littlefinger if he knows who it belongs to, then shows off that he remembers his "chaos is a laddahh" quote from S3 (sadly sans Irish accent).

So: Bran can remember Littlefinger moments he wasn't present for, but can't find out who owned the knife?  Or he can find out but doesn't want Littlefinger to know he can?  But, he just showed off his awesome omniscience a second later?

So: he wants Littlefinger to know that he DOES know some stuff but also that he DOESN'T know about the origin of the knife?  Or, he knows everything but Littlefinger doesn't know this and Bran wants to keep it this way?

I'm overcomplicating things, right?  

The truth is that the writers wanted Bran to put Littlefinger on edge by him knowing the laddah quote but that they also wanted to keep the mystery of the knife (they may or may not ever actually answer this question; it's kind of their MO, although they did show us Nymeria last week and, if the leaks stay accurate, Gendry should be making an appearance next week so who knows?) and I'm just meant to be okay with this.  I'm not.  Shock horror.

Luckily, Meera decides to bob in to see Robot Bran and so we never get to the bottom of wtf Bran does and doesn't know.  

Omg how dark is this season

Bran tells her she's leaving, then he's all "bleep blorp, thanks" (because he's a robot, geddit?) and she's sad about it, just because her brother and huge fun sidekick friend and cool wolf died on the journey and the family name 'Reed' apparently means nothing to this show.  Lol chill out Meera.

He tells her, "I remember what it was like to be Brandon Stark. But I remember so much else now," and I seriously can't get past two mentions of Brandon so close to one another.  I mean, I know it's his name, but hasn't he mostly been Bran?  So formal now he's emotionless.  Anyway, she leaves forever (a leaked version of the script read, 'she walks out of the scene, out of his life and out of the show').  Nice one.  Bye, Meera.  Thank you for being a friend.

Meanwhile, did you know that the gates of Winterfell are as heavily guarded against unattended little girls as the Red Keep was in Season 1?

Are they capable of writing an original scene anymore?

Just for context:  the Red Keep is the Royal stronghold.  The King and Queen are in there, of course they'll ask questions to whomever decides to rock up unannounced.  Generally, commoners tend to be allowed in Winterfell.

BUT, for argument's sake, let's say that, because Jon is a King, they've stepped up security.  Cool.  Now it's convenient, we're just going to pretend that this society isn't dictated by inherently patriarchal beliefs and traditions?  An unattended little girl would be allowed into Winterfell.  She shouldn't need to state who she is.

BUT, for argument's sake, let's say, yeah, fuck it, #feminism, girls aren't allowed in either.  This girl is claiming to be Arya Stark.  "But everyone thinks Arya's dead; they're right to turn her away," you cry, probably, if you cared.  Last episode, Bran(don) Stark wheeled into Winterfell after everyone seeing what they thought was his charred corpse.  Might be worth letting her in a sec and just investigating further, especially seeing as there is no story of Arya's death; it's just presumed she's died as she's been missing for so long.  

My drunk notes on this scene
#SangriaSundays

Anyway, they swear at her a bit and then agree to let her in to see Sansa (or, as Maisie likes to say, "Soorrnsa") but OMG I ONLY LOOKED AWAY FOR LIKE A SECOND and she disappears.

Luckily, Sansa, in complete contradiction to her guards, is not surprised that Arya is alive at all and knows just where to find her: the crypt!  Once inside, idk, there's some awkward small talk about how they're both alive and Sansa suits being Lady of Winterfell and they hug and Arya tells Sansa about her kill list and, for the second time in Season Seven, everyone laughs about how Arya loves to kill people thinks Arya is joking and... Bleurgh.

I found this entire bit rather cold and lacking.  Even Arya's return to Winterfell was a disappointment.  A quick look around the courtyard and an old ratty banner, that's it?  No building crescendo of emotional music?  No grand, cinematic panning of the gates as she enters and sees her home again for the first time since leaving it with her father?

Was this just me?  Am I asking too much?

Oh, also, Sansa wishes she'd poisoned Joffrey.  I mean, now she's killed one horrific husband for revenge, why wouldn't she have a murderous streak?

Make it stop.  Make the character assassination stop.

OMG BUT THERE'S MORE NEWS:  BRAN IS HERE TOO YAAYYYYY

Oh yeah shit he's a horrible robot person who brings up tragic events and secrets and ruins everything

Bran's job description for season seven

He tells Arya he saw her at the crossroads and grasses her up because her list was REAL, Sansa, and not a joke but it's okay because Sansa finds it adorable that her little sister is a murderer and just smirks it off hehe how cool.  

Not to be put off by this lack of drama, Bran gives Arya the dagger from Littlefinger and Sansa is all 'OMG WHAT' and we're all 'okay yeah that makes sense, she'll use it for something interesting I'm sure'.

(Can I add a big ole #FORESHADOWING here please?)

He also reminds everyone that he's a cripple, which is nice of him.  Seriously though guys, that dagger is no use to a cripple, presumably because it's one of those Valyrian steel foot daggers I keep hearing about.

HEY BRAN TELL YOUR SISTERS SOME USEFUL INFORMATION OR SHUT UP ABOUT KNOWING SHIT

Sidenote

Hey, Game of Thrones staffers...

Fun fact: A lot of Game of Thrones fans were not surprised that Arya ended up with the dagger - she was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly a few months ago to promote the new season and they actually had her wear this dagger as part of her costume.  According to this week's recap, "no, it totally wasn’t supposed to be there. GoT insiders hoped fans wouldn’t notice this spoiler hiding in plain sight on the cover of our magazine".  Sigh.

Then, Brienne and Pod are STILL sparring and Pod is STILL useless and then Arya turns up and challenges Brienne with her very real sword, Needle, and newly acquired also very real and also not a sparring weapon used for practice.

Okay, real talk, when did Arya get this good at swordfighting?  Are we to believe that being beaten with a stick by some waif bitch who gets off hating you makes you mint at swordplay?  Is this a result of her one or two water dancing lessons from Syrio?

I CALL BULLSHIT

Brienne is far too highly trained (and also, rather disturbingly, taking this far too seriously - she's a child, Brienne) for Arya to beat her like this.

There are some weird looks from Sansa to Arya during this scene, which I think are meant to be intrigue and maybe even pride but honestly just come across as fear and jealousy to me.  Also, Sansa is apparently still using Littlefinger as an advisor and is happy being alone with him, discussing business, despite obviously being wary of him, having just gotten the news that he's giving old daggers out to people for no reason and is being very suspicious and creepy.

What is with Sansa's relationship with Littlefinger this season?

She hated him last season, because he effectively gave her away to a rapist, but then learned that she could use him and 'his' army (#whereisRobin?) to her advantage.  Okay.  Maybe I can understand that.  She has made it very clear, however, that she doesn't trust him at all this season (this episode!) and so, in reality, she should want him gone, right?

Hmm.

Let's think about how she could get rid of him, then.

All of the Vale and Northern Lords have declared for Jon; they're on the Stark's side!  If only she had some information about this creepy and weird little Irish man that keeps following her around that could get him in trouble...

Pretty sure murdering the Lady of the Vale is enough to get him in hot water with the Vale Lords, right?  Or Robin, whose MUM he murdered?

Sansa and Littlefinger is gross and weird and is being made out to be a difficult situation when all Sansa needs to do is tell the truth and his power will be gone.  In fact, he'd most likely be executed, right?  You're telling me Robin won't want to make him fly?

Omg.  When you miss Robin, you know things are bad.

Okay, shall we-

NOPE. NOT READY. CAN'T.
LET'S SAVE IT FOR LAST

King's Landing, anyone?  For a completely unnecessary scene that wastes time but adds nothing?  We couldn't possibly have an episode without Cersei, though, obviously.  So, what happens?  Other than NOTHING, basically Cersei has already got word that the gold from Highgarden is on its way home (more magical ravens) and is acting like she's won the war already.  The gold they'll be getting will be more than enough to pay off the Iron Bank so obviously Mycroft, who has waited since before Season One for his money to be repaid, is more than happy to loan more.
Oh, and Cersei drops in a quick mention of the Golden Company.  #FORESHADOWING

Oh no I'm genuinely going to have to talk about Jaime, aren't I?

First, Dragonstone!

I mean, I think there's dragonglass but I can't see shit

Jon and Dany go look at the dragonglass before they start mining it, because there's no need to rush.  Also, some kids drew on the walls in there about the scary white walkers... That they created...  I'm already confused and I know it'll never be explained so let's just move on.

I feel like this scene is meant to be fraught with sexual tension (especially given the lines they give Davos later about feelings and stuff) but, honestly, Emilia Clarke just stares and hopes for the best (also my flirting technique, would not recommend).

Anyway, she tells him to bend the knee AGAIN and promises to help him fight those scary men from the scrawlings if he does.

Then, Tyrion and Varys break the news that, for plot reasons, she's losing now.  She blames Tyrion a bit but, before it's fully explained how his plan was utter garbage and made no sense, Davos and Jon try to excuse themselves.  Dany instead asks for Jon's opinion and is told that the people believe in her because she's not just melting down castles and she's not cruel (just planned to starve a load of commonfolk, but whatever).  She ponders this as the scene ends.

There's some more Davos smalltalk and apparently Missandei doesn't know what a bastard is OKAY THEN LET'S PRETEND I'M OKAY WITH ALL OF THIS AND MOVE ON because, what's this?  A Greyjoy ship?  But who-

It's Theon.  Theon is who it is.

Look how strong he is, too!  Even after years (?) of living as Reek, with barely any food and no light and having his skin flayed constantly and fingers and toes and penises removed.  He's doing so well.

Anyway, Theon and his Unpaid Greyjoy Extras have come to ask for help rescuing Yara but OH NO.  Jon doesn't like him, remember?  He threatens him a bit and then tells him he'll let him off because he saved Sansa.  I say this every week but Alfie Allen is still killin it with what he's given.  Hero.

Jon also tells Theon that Dany isn't here.  I WONDER WHERE SHE IS

Maybe she's near The Reach.

Right.  Okay.
I've made it clear that this will be a struggle.

Bronn in his true form #neverforget

To make life easier, let's break it down into easy sections:
1)  We got the loot but where's Bronn's cut?
2)  How does Bronn feel about the Tarlys?
3)  Oh shit what's that Bronn heard?
4)  Omg how is Bronn doing in this battle?
5)  Will Bronn save the day or nah?
Bonus section:  How does Tyrion feel during all of this?


1)  We got the loot but where's Bronn's cut?
Given that he's just sacked Highgarden and killed an old lady, Jaime is in surprisingly low spirits.  Bronn tries to cheer him up by reminding him that he's owed stuff he hasn't got yet.  Jaime stops a cart filled with gold to pay Bronn, but it's not enough.  Quips and sassy retorts abound and we all have a lovely time.

2)  How does Bronn feel about the Tarlys?
Randall and Dickon tell the boiz that the majority of the Highgarden gold (probably enough to pay off the Iron Bank debt) has crossed into King's Landing because apparently that's how marches work: the majority of the army stays behind, near enough to Highgarden that you can see it in the background and... some people... take the money and run really really really far ahead, all the way to King's Landing.  Such a good plan.  Randall wants to flog the men who are behind, Jaime says no.  Dickon, who honestly looks about 30, has apparently never seen battle before (lol ok then) so our hero Bronn kindly tells him he's an idiot - everyone shits themselves COME ON DICKON

3)  Oh shit what's that Bronn heard?
Bronn thankfully has amazing hearing because, despite their army being spread out between Highgarden and King's Landing (where the Dothraki will have had to ride by), there are no scouts and no one has seen the huge hoarde of charging men heading their way.

Right, timeout from the annoying Bronn stuff for a second.
Jaime's men are on foot?  HOW, and I mean HOW THE FUCK, have they travelled to Casterly Rock (the Inside the Episode last week told us that he went there first, to pick up men and to empty all the food so the Unsullied would be trapped inside), then to Highgarden, then halfway across the Reach in less than two weeks?*
*it has to be less than two weeks because Cersei promised Mycroft he'd have his money by then
Equally, how has Dany, who we only just saw getting word of the taking of Highgarden, managed to ship her Dothraki onto the mainland, then marched this far?  Even if it were possible, how have they not been seen?

What is happening with the timeline?
Showfans, tell me all you want that it's fiction and time shouldn't matter this much etc but I tell you what, it matters when the writers need it to.  When Stannis doesn't have TIME to get to Winterfell before the Winter (remember Winter, too?), it mattered.  If time wasn't a concern in this universe (like it isn't now), Stannis could be King.  Stannis should be King.

...I miss Stannis so much.

Anyway,
4)  Omg how is Bronn doing in this battle?
So Bronn and some other guy get the men to line up with their shields and spears but no helmets and prepare for ambush.

#stillbetterCGI

Dany, with no armour, rides in and starts burning the shit out of everyone and everything (including all the food that's been stolen from the farmers) but -- thank god -- not Bronn or Jaime.
After a little while of watching their men burn, Jaime remembers the 'Scorpion' (did we know it was called that?  If they packed this on their trip, were they expecting dragons?  If so, why are they not more prepared?  Or at least a little less surprised when a dragon arrives?) but can't use it with his one hand so asks our Bronn to do it instead.
The camera then follows who is obviously the most important person in this scene show for one long shot as he runs through battle to try and get to Qyburn's invention.  Omg!  He drops his gold but just leaves it there.  He's so loyal and is really developing as a character.  He deserves it.
A Dothraki guy cuts the leg(s?) off his horse but -- thank god -  he gets away and reaches the the weapon.  He wastes a shot on this Dothraki that is SO OBSESSED WITH HIM and then aims at Drogon, getting him in the wing.  It seems to hurt him at first but then actually he's fine don't worry.  He blasts fire at Bronn but -- thank god -- he jumps out of the way in time.


Then some stuff happens without Bronn that is obviously boring but I'll give you a quick recap:
Dany is trying to get the spear out of Drogon and has no one around to protect her.  Jaime, after -- thank god -- managing to fight off all of the Dothraki, despite only having his left hand which has famously been making him quite bad at combat, decides now is the perfect time to charge at the dragon.  We get to see our bonus:














Bonus: How does Tyrion feel during all of this?
I MEAN OF COURSE WE GET A TYRION REACTION SHOT
Why is he here?  What possible reason could someone give for the Queen's Hand to be at this battle if he's not fighting?  Has he ridden here?  Using his specially adapted saddle equipment that someone's had made for him at the deserted Dragonstone?  WHY?  FOR WHAT PURPOSE?
The only reason he's there is the only reason we see so much Bronn in this sequence: pandering to the fans.
I.  Hate.  This.  Show.

5)  Will Bronn save the day or nah?
I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer.
I'm not even going to broach how the shoreline goes from shallow enough to gallop through to deep enough to be protected from dragon breath.
I'm not even going to acknowledge the fact that media outlets are trying to pretend there's a chance Jaime's dead.

I'm just not.


So, basically, in this episode, Bronn went from being cliche sidekick to fully realised character.  He learned the value of remaining loyal to one's chose house and gave up money for the cause.  He still remembered his friends though, so that, even when the odds are stacked against him, he can rise up and protect them from harm.
My question is: why?
Bronn is no one, and not in the cool Arya way, in the 'supporting funny character who makes penis jokes' way.  Why is his character more consistent and more developed than Jaime's?  Jaime flip flops between loving Cersei and hating her, loving being a soldier and hating everything it represents, not caring about being seen with Cersei and worried they'll be caught together.  Who is he in this battle?  If this is a rehashing of the Field of Fire, shouldn't Jaime be the main opposition to Dany?  Why was the focus on two characters that do not matter in the grand scheme of things: Tyrion and Bronn?  Just because fans are obsessed with them?



If I am completely honest with you, there were moments in this battle when I lost myself.  I projected what I wanted onto it and it didn't even seem that bad.  Then I saw the tracking shot of Bronn and Jaime fighting off countless Dothraki with one bad hand and Tyrion making comments from a top a random hill and I remembered.  This show is turning everything I loved about this world into utter trash.


And that's it.
It's over.  Bleurgh.

I can’t believe how short this episode was and how little plot there was to it.  There’s three episodes left of this entire season. THREE.  How much story do they have left?

High Points:

• The men on fire
• ... Alfie Allen?
• Dothraki choreography

Low Points:

• Focus on Bronn and Tyrion during the battle
• Littlefinger nonsense still ongoing
• Timelines.  Still.

Summative Comment:

I don't know how much more of this I can take.  I know we're past the halfway point now but... It seems like there's still so far to go.

Follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness @noneedtomoan

And, if you would like to hear a more balanced recap of the episodes or just hear me argue with my friends, who like Game of Thrones, just a reminder to go and listen to our new podcast, She, Herself and Guy.  Our recap on will be out by Friday night.

Stay strong, guys.