Season Seven, Episode Seven - The Dragon and the Wolf

I used to watch Game of Thrones every week, waking up at 01:45am on a Monday morning to live-tweet my thoughts (@noneedtomoan) and staying up late that night to write a full review (if you want to catch up on season seven, here are my previous rants: E1, E2 , E3, E4, E5 and E6). I even had a podcast with two of my friends, analysing each episode between us (She, Herself and Guy).
We were gathering a very small but loyal following but, sadly, my Mac had other plans. It tragically died a death with my blog post of the finale of Season Seven on it. In the midst of planning a wedding, I did nothing further. Without my Mac, I couldn't edit the final podcast episode either. I was so busy that I just let it all go.

However, a Facebook friend of mine excitedly shared a trailer for Season Eight of Game of Thrones recently and I realised I couldn't sit back and stay quiet. It was time to return, kicking and screaming, and I couldn't do that properly until I'd thoroughly reviewed the Season Seven finale.
That leads us to now. I sit in my front room, cup of coffee in front of me, notepad in hand, brightness turned all the way up (OMG IT'S SO DARK), and ready to remember what actually happened in the final episode of the penultimate season of Game of Thrones (I've honestly blocked it out so this will be as emotional anger-inducing as it was the first time round).

Apparently it was a brilliant episode...

"This felt like a return to focusing on the basics of drama — great writing, acting and direction — and was the best episode of the season" - Entertainment Weekly

Let's see if I agree.

We kick off with a recap, which is actually very helpful in my situation:

Me when I begin to remember last episode 

• Euron takes Yara and Theon literally gets in the sea rather than saving her
• Sansa sends Brienne to King's Landing, discovers the bag of faces (OMG HOW COULD I FORGET?!) and is threatened by Arya
• Tyrion and Jaime have a Bronn-facilitated meeting to arrange for Cersei to see proof of the Army of the Dead
• The Night's King kills the Dragon Not Important Enough To Have A Name and makes it an undead wight with blue eyes
• Dany and Jon hold hands (oo-er) and he calls her his queen

Okay let's crack on then. I'll try and do this geographically but there's some confusing crossover bits that I'll have to try and tackle when I reach them.

We open on a shit tonne of Unsullied and Dothraki soldiers at King's Landing and Bronn and Jaime having a nice chat about cocks rather than anything meaningful. Bronn even says he's starting to think that Team Cersei is "about to be the downtrodden"

[Very early for my first aside but doesn't this beg the question - why do Dany and Jon need Cersei? Their armies are much more vast so what can the Lannister army truly bring to help? Wouldn't they have been better off staying up North and readying themselves for battle there? Collecting all the dragonstone they can find? Training the Unsullied and Dotrhraki in combat with the wights? This entire endeavour feels pointless to me. Especially them ALL going. Maybe that's just me.]

The rest of Dany's crew, minus Dany, is arriving by boat. Tyrion makes some SWEET brothel jokes and the Hound goes below deck to bang on the crate with the wight in it and remind everyone what we're doing here.

Meanwhile, Cersei is finding out from Qyburn and Jaime that Dany isn't on the boat with the rest of her cronies and is not happy about it. Regardless, she heads over to the Dragonpit for the meeting.

[I mean, if I were Queen and meeting up with a known enemy who has dragons and wants me dead, I'd definitely meet somewhere with a lot of space overhead, enough for a deadly dragon or three to land in comfortably. Great idea. What could possibly happen?]

Before she goes, she tells Dead Mountain to kill the "silver haired bitch" first, should anything go wrong (#Feminism). Interestingly, Tyrion ranks at No. 2 on the 'who-to-kill- and-when' list... Tyrion. The man she blames for her children's deaths. The man who killed her father. The man she has always been terrified of because she knows she will die at his hand one day. Whoops. They cut that prophecy. (Gah. I really intended to avoid book references. Sorry. My bad.)

Jaime has a weird reaction to all of this. He looks almost concerned about Cersei's murderous impulses. Almost like this is a new side to her, wanting to kill a few people.  This is the woman who blew up the sept containing all of the Tyrells, septons and numerous innocent onlookers.
I'm glad they're distancing Jaime from Cersei but it feels miles too late.
If he's stood by her this far, what will it take for him to actually leave her?
Where is our 'honour' story arc for Jaime? (Ffs, once you start with the book references apparently you can't stop. Soz. Again. I'll reign it in.)


Next, we cut to the gang (minus Gendry... where's he? The Wall? Remember when he was the true heir to the Baratheon throne? Good times) transporting the wight to the Dragonpit. Then, let's waste some time in the finale for no apparent reason by having meaningless catch ups with people who haven't seen in other in a while!

Catch Up 1 - Pod and Tyrion
As much as I loved these two as a duo many moons ago, this conversation added nothing to anything. A nod would have done the same job. Whatever, Bronn realises this and helpfully interrupts by reminding everyone that Pod has a massive magic penis.

[Interesting how this useless fact about Pod has never been forgotten. Anytime we see him, it's brought up. Unlike other character traits - The Hound's fear of fire, which disappeared when he had to mount a dragon, Family Man Davos forgetting his dead son at the hands of Tyrion when they join forces, Jon looking more like Ned than any of the other Starks until he conveniently doesn't last episode - THIS, this penis fact that is completely made up and adds nothing to his character or the rest of the storyline, THIS is remembered]

Catch Up 2 - Brienne and Hound
I suppose this wasn't the absolute worst but only because the actors sold it to me. I have to admit that I liked the Hound's proud smile when he found out people need protecting from Arya but, if we're honest, the overall conversation was still incredibly unnecessary and taught us nothing new. To say that they've cut the episodes down from 10 to 7, they're still including a whole heap of shit we don't need here.

Catch Up 3 - Tyrion and Pod (again), with Bronn
As Bronn said, there's no time for Tyrion to suck Pod's magic cock but there's plenty of time for him to do it to himself as he decrees the are the "heroes of Blackwater Bay". Bronn tries to convince Tyrion, and the rest of us, that arranging this meeting meant no risk to him but it is weirdly above and beyond the call of duty for a man that used to be a sell sword, fighting for the highest bidder. He also turns Tyrion's offer of double the money to change allegiances. It feels a lot like Bronn is loyal to the Lannisters now, sticking his neck out for them, where before this loyalty could easily be bought. (#GoodGuyBronn)

Catch ups over, the Hound leaves the wight outside and they enter THE DRAGON PIT (sorry, the dramatic music made me feel like all caps was necessary). Pod and Bronn leave for a pint, despite the latter organising the whole thing and saying to Tyrion moments earlier that it would get him in Cersei's good books.

Cersei and her mates enter and everyone seems to recognise the giant, Mountain-shaped soldier following her as the dead Gregor Clegane. The Hound visibly reacts and Tyrion agrees that it would seem that every Lannister has a "Clegane c*nt" to help them see their bad plans through.

Me trying to work out how everyone's ok with the Mountain

[This is confusing to me. Everyone knows this is the Mountain? Even though the Dornish were sent 'his head' as justice for Oberyn Martell's death? They're all okay with necromancy, just not when it's the White Walkers? They've travelled across Westeros to prove to Cersei that the undead exist when she has one working for her and they all KNOW THAT? Why can they not get Qyburn to 'fix' some of the wights then? Also, why did Jon tell Davos to keep his resurrection a secret? I assumed it was because people didn't particularly approve of necromancy... But the Mountain can be raised from the dead and work for Cersei and that's fine? WHAT?!]

Just as we had catch ups earlier, we now enjoy about 30 seconds of meaningful glances between people:
Jaime and Brienne
Cersei and Tyrion
Euron and Theon

Oooh. Tense. *eyeroll*

Anyway, it's been a while since there was any #CleganeBowl hype so the writers make sure the Hound goes straight up to his dead-not-dead brother and, somehow knowing he wouldn't be able to answer any questions, has a one sided conversation about how he definitely remembers him and how the Mountain knows this isn't how it ends for him - someone else is coming for him. And, even though now would probably be a mint time to prove this to him (the world is about to end because of the wights, who knows when you'll see him again), the Hound decides to walk back out the way he came.
#CleganeBowl for Season Eight, anyone?

Dany arrives by dragon, late. No real reaction from anyone tbh. No sense of wonder at these creatures that haven't been seen by anyone of this generation. They've just heard stories of them. Here they are, the mythical creatures and...

.... This is pretty much it from everyone.

Even if you want to say that these people were all too tense and scared about the meeting to react, we could've seen some of the commoners of King's Landing reacting to dragons overhead for the first time in their lifetimes. That may have been cool. 

So charisma-less Dany arrives and takes her seat and... says nothing while Tyrion stands up. I get that queens may not talk for themselves. But Cersei certainly does. This feels less like Dany showing her power and more like the writers having a hard on for Tyrion but whatever.

Obvious Euron is on my side too because he's having none of this and shouts over Tyrion to Theon, demandign he submit in order to save Yara. 

Everyone ignores him and, after some snide dwarf jokes, we're back on task. Good ole Jon steps in now because it's not enough to have one man explaining the obvious to two important women. He tells them about the Army of the Dead.
The Hound, hearing his cue from underground, drags the crate up from a different place to where he left it because #drama. The wight runs directly for Cersei until the Hound grabs a chain and stops it (The Mountain was legit useless here so it doesn't bode well for battle, Cersei bbz). He further demonstrates its resilience by chopping it up with his normal sword, only for it to continue moving.

Cersei remains unmoved,  Jaime looks confused and Qyburn, in all honesty, is incredibly aroused, picking up the hand for later use. Not quite the reaction they were hoping for from their demonstration I think.

Jon then goes into further detail about how only fire and dragonglass can destroy the wights and I scream in frustration for a little bit.
Where was this confirmation last episode? Because I'm pretty sure that no one covered this before they left on their stupid, stupid mission. 

The gang that ventured beyond the wall all had weapons and spears but it was never really specified that this was dragonglass, even though they all seemed to successfully kill wights as they attacked. FFS, Jon killed the main guy with his sword. Yes, it was a Valyrian steel sword and this had already happened way back in Season Five, Episode Five (Hardhome) but then why doesn't he mention this?

He lists these two methods as the only ways the wights can be killed when this is clearly not true and clearly wasn't explained to the little A-Team squadron that went beyond the wall last episode. GOD, JON YOU'RE SO STUPID.


Sorry, back to the episode. Euron, who's read the synopsis of last week's mission beyond the wall, asks if the wights can swim and Jon says no.

Sigh.

Why do I do this to myself?

Wights can't swim. Cool. We have mild evidence of this because they will not cross water until it's iced over. Very true, well done Jon.

Except, remember last episode? When Tormund was being dragged into the water by some wights that had just been pushed in there by the Hound?
I couldn't find a GIF for this bit but I rewatched and screenshotted the moment the wights popped out of the water and, trust me, those bastards can SWIM.
This also makes you wonder why the wights spent the entire night on the other side of the water surrounding the A-Team last episode. Could it have been for plot purposes? Or maybe, genuinely, this moment pictured is the moment they realised they can swim? Mainly, my point is THEY CAN SWIM.
This makes me angry because Jorah was there when this was happening to Tormund and he helped him out of the situation. Jorah knows wights can swim but says NOTHING now. This is his moment to look smarter than Jon in front of Dany and he doesn't take it? I call bullshit. The writers needed Euron to go at this point and his only excuse to go was that it was safer to be on water. #plothole

Oh, just in case you don't think two wights surviving a mild dunking from the Hound is evidence that they can swim, please enjoy this GIF of the wights using chains to pull out the undead version of The Dragon Not Important Enough To Have A Name.
How did they get the chains under/attached to the dragon? Someone would have to be able to swim and I can only see wights, how about you? I put less credence to this because, for now, Jon and co don't know about this, but we certainly do.
Wights can swim and D&D are such terrible writers that they have to leave massive gaping plot holes in order to move their story forward.

Whatever.
Euron goes back to the Iron Islands . Bye.

Cersei was apparently more moved than her face let on during the wight display and agrees to the truce on one condition - Jon, King of the North, cannot pick a side. He must remain neutral.

[Quickly, I find it curious that Dany is called a 'would-be usurper' by Cersei and Robb was called a traitor for saying he was King of the North but Jon is just allowed to do it? And is forgiven? #doublestandards]

Well this is supes awks because Jon JUST declared Dany to be his queen last episode.

Cersei also takes this moment to remind us all that Jon is Ned Stark's son (lel foreshadowing) and that Ned was always true to his word, even when he lied about committing treason to protect his family.

Everyone @ Jon

Jon comes clean -- he's already pledged allegiance to Dany. Soz. Everyone's a bit annoyed at him for telling the truth and Cersei is now unwilling to make a deal. She says the undead will be the North's problem first and storms right out of there.

Everyone berates Jon for telling the truth and dropping himself in it, ruining the plan, and Dany reminds him that No Name Dead Dragon (if they won't name him properly, neither will I) died for the cause and, right now, that means nothing.

Welcome to Game of Thrones, Dany. Nothing means anything.

Tyrion tells Jon off for not knowing when he needs to lie and Jon doesn't care; he cannot swear an oath he can't uphold, even if it is the attitude that got Ned killed.

[Gah. Jon. Ned was beheaded by Joffrey because the Lannisters had him up against a wall: he had to lie and say he was a traitor before and now he believes Joffrey to be the true King. If he didn't tell this lie, Sansa would be in danger as they held her hostage. The only reason Ned was able to be publicly executed like this was because he told this lie. If he'd stuck to his guns, they may have kept him prisoner forever, torturing Sansa and using him as a bargaining chip with Robb. I KNOW Ned is remembered as an incredibly honourable man but he lied about this and, of course, he told the lie that saved Jon's life: he is my bastard son. He knew lying was crucial when lives were at stake. Don't blame your weirdly honest response to Cersei here on Ned. This is all you, Jon. You idiot.]

Jon: "When enough people make false promises, words stop meaning anything"
I mean this bit should essentially be the tagline for Seasons 5-7.

So, Jon's got us all in a right pickle. Not to worry! Wise Ole Tyrion will save us!
He heads to the Red Keep to see Cersei, who tells him his only goal is to destroy the Lannisters. Remorseful Tyrion then shares with her that he hates himself for killing Tywin because D&D can't very well have their ultimate hero going around saying he did the right thing, can they? Even though Angry Tyrion had every reason to kill Tywin and enjoyed killing him and Shae (never forget this needless death, guys). I hate that they've written in this shame; it seems so ill-matched to Actual Tyrion, who is meant to be complicated and have elements of good and bad - he isn't just a 'good guy'. Sigh.

Anyway, Cersei cares not a jot for this regret, as Evil Tyrion killed Myrcella (he did push the whole Dorne thing, fair) and Tommen (pretty sure he committed suicide but ok), even if he didn't kill Joffrey (this must be news to Tyrion - who, as far as I know, doesn't know about Olenna's deathbed confession. Weird that he doesn't  ask what's changed her mind since they last spoke...)
Martyr Tyrion tells her to kill him and my big question is: Why. The. Fuck. Doesn't. She.

[Cersei has hated Tyrion for most of her life. She has threatened him multiple times. Dany and Jon are already against her and most of that gang predict that he's going into a dangerous meeting anyway -- I don't think they'd be surprised if she killed him. Yes, Tyrion claims he is The Dany Whisperer and, if he wasn't advising her, she would've brought fire and blood to King's Landing but I don't think Team Dany have time to take vengeance for his death straight away. They'd have to go kill all the wights before they come back for Cersei... Exactly what they are going to do anyway. I honestly cannot understand why Cersei doesn't take this moment. I also can't understand why the writers continue to keep Tyrion alive when his death would be incredibly shocking and make good TV. Remember when we never used to know who they'd kill off next? Yeah, that element of mystery is long gone. Tyrion will stay alive no matter what he does or says. Because he is Tyrion.]

Whatever. Cersei's pregnant. Whoop-de-doo.

*cough* Dany. Dany did that. *cough*

Meanwhile, back at the Dragonpit, Jon and Dany are having a chat while handling bones of dragons past.
Sexy.

Dany says in Valyrian "A dragon is not a slave" sand she slags off her ancestors for keeping dragons chained up in the dragonpit because yeah what awful person would do that to keep their citizens safe?

Anyway, they have a nice chat and Dany blurts out "I CAN'T HAVE CHILDREN" and, when Jon asks her how she knows this, she says that the witch that murdered her husband told her.

Okay. I don't want to be a dick here, Dany, but let's go back to your husband's death. Mirri Maz Duur 'cured him' and killed your unborn child. Drogo was left in a vegetative state and this exchange happened:

And that was it. Then, you didn't want Drogo to live this way so YOU mercy-killed him. So let's not refer to the witch as a murderer, maybe, yeah? Also, Mirri Maz Duur made no prophecy about your ability to have children. I know I said I wouldn't bring them up but the only place with that information in is the books. D&D can't have it both ways -- they can't tell us to think of the TV series as a separate entity to the books and then nick stuff from the books that they've forgotten to seed earlier on. It is REALLY important that Dany has thought she was barren since Mirri Maz Duur's prophecy. It seeds her attachment to the dragons as her children, her sympathy and anger over children being enslaved and killed in Mereen, and the way she is torn about the Iron Throne - she knows she deserves it and it is hers, but she cannot produce an heir, so who will sit on the throne after her? This obviously just seemed like boring book stuff to D&D, and not important character development, so they cut it from Season One. But, now, when it needs to be a surprise that she will be pregnant with Jon Snow's child next season (I mean, duh), they have to have a OMG of course she can't get pregnant bit first. 

Oh, wow, I didn't think I was this angry but apparently I am, sorry.

Back to Dany and Jon, who are, I think, meant to be understanding and trusting one another at this point. We're meant to feel that white-hot chemistry burning between them but... It's just Kit and Emilia pointing their dead eyes in each other's direction and I hate everything and everyone and I wish I hadn't rewatched because honestly we're barely into it and there's so much more bullshit to come in this episode and I might have to take a break to cry for a little bit.

Hero Tyrion returns to the Dragonpit, closely followed by Cersei, who reluctantly agrees to call her banners to march North alongside Dany for the Great War.

Later, Cersei speaks to Jaime and reveals they are not sending their troops to help fight the wights at all. TWAS ALL A LIE. Jaime is appalled and shocked (not sure how, this is classic Cersei) at her lies and Cersei tries to convince him it's for the best, using their unborn baby as the main reason. Then, big reveal: it turns out Euron isn't really going back to the Iron Islands - he's heading to Essos to get the 20,000 men, horses, and elephants of the Golden Company in return for Cersei's hand in marriage.
Jaime is heartbroken and finally sees Cersei for what she is. Apparently of all the horrendous, murderous things she's done (killing everyone at the sept, sleeping with Lancel etc etc), her plotting with Euron Greyjoy behind his back is the last straw. He tries to storm out but Cersei threatens him with treason and seems to signal The Mountain to do something. For a millisecond, I forget that this is Season Seven and not Season Three and I think that maybe there might be a shock death of a named character but, alas not. It is not clear if Cersei decides to let Jaime go or if The Mountain is a bit slow on the uptake (I mean, he is dead) and doesn't do as he is asked. Maybe she needs a clearer signal for 'kill him'.
So this is two traitorous brothers that have asked Cersei to kill them now. Number dead: 0.
Then, as Jaime is leaving King's Landing, it begins to snow. Finally, winter has arrived in the very warm-looking capital.

[Given this reveal, I can't help but feel like the whole Cersei/Dany meet was a pointless excuse to get all the actors together in one scene. Think about it: if Dany would have sent a raven and Cersei would have said no to helping... Would the episode have ended any differently? If they'd just sent the Hound with the wight? Any difference? Really, Team Dany should have stayed North and began preparations for the Great War, rather than faffing about trying to convince someone who hates them all to help them.]

#boatsex

Back at Dragonstone (I'm assuming because of the map), there's some planning about how Dany will travel North. Jorah makes the excellent point that a dragon journey is quicker and much safer but Jon offers a boat.
Which has bedrooms. For... Sleeping.

If you know what I mean.

Theon then takes a minute to catch up with Jon and, I have to take a minute here for Alfie Allen. He absolutely acts his socks off in this scene and I only wish he'd been given some good lines to deliver. Imagine what he could do with a situation that actually makes sense. Gah, what a waste. Anyway, Jon says some nonsense about how Ned was a father to Theon (he wasn't, Theon was a 'ward' or a political prisoner, being held by the Starks to ensure the Greyjoys didn't revolt again. The Stark family always kept Theon at arm's length because he wasn't one of them. It is known) and that he's a Greyjoy and a Stark. NO HE'S NOT.
Theon decides to do the right thing and go and rescue Yara at last (isn't Ellaria Sand being held by Euron too? Does anyone remember her? Have the Dornish just given up? Or do D&D want to pretend Season Five never happened?) so he goes down to the beach to ask some Ironborne men to back him in his rescue attempt.
He has a fight with the leader of the group, who keeps telling him to stay down, but Theon continues to get up and fight. Then, the Unnamed Ironborne man knees Theon between the legs because punching him in the face and heabutting him had been working too well. But, obviously Theon has been castrated so there is NO PAIN WHATSOEVER.

Okay. Okay. This was embarrassing.

Entertainment Weekly said of this scene:

"This isn't meant to be funny. If you can get past that this moment hinges on that silliest of comedic tropes - the kick in the nuts - it's emotionally powerful".

I think EW are giving the writers too much credit here and, honestly 99% of viewers will have had this reaction:

After the shock of the moment, Theon smiles and manages to get four punches to the leader's head, which apparently kills him, and the Ironborne all shout "Yara!" and go on their merry way.

Okay let's head to Winterfell. Not because I want to, but because we have to.
Littlefinger is trying to be the great puppet master he was once rumoured to be before the TV show got their hands on him and tells Sansa to imagine the worst case scenario of why Arya is back. This isn't hard for her: Arya out-and-out threatened her with death when they were on their own in her room so Sansa naturally is very wary of her little sister.
Later, there is a meeting in the Great Hall, she lists the accusations of treason and murder and then reveals... It's Lord Baelish she is accusing!
DUN DUN DUNNNNN
Littlefinger is very surprised but no one else is. She lists his crimes: killing Jon Arryn, convincing Lysa Arryn to write to her sister stating the Lannisters killed her husband before throwing her out of the Moon Door, plotting with Cersei to kill Ned Stark...
All of these things, which probably should've been brought up sooner, eh?

Give me strength.

Littlefinger very fairly says that they have no proof but UH OH SUPER ALL-KNOWING BRAN ALERT. Apparently, just like Westeros has accepted necromancy in the form of The Mountain, The North has accepted that Bran is a magic all-seeing, all-knowing boy, whose visions* can be trusted and can be used as evidence in a trial.

*just checking - didn't the Three Eyed Raven's visions always come from the network of weirwood trees? And that's why the original 3ER (RIP) was most powerful in the cave of weirwood roots? He was connected to everything. I don't remember a weirwood tree in King's Landing when Littlefinger threatened Ned and said the famous "I told you not to trust me" line, so how has Bran-The-New-3ER seen this?

Apparently it's only me, yet again, that cares about the semantics because the Northerners take Bran's word as gospel and ignore his requests to give him safe passage back to the Eeyrie because he is Lord Protector of the Vale (I wonder how Robin is doing, btw).
Sansa remembers that Littlefinger also sold her to the Boltons and how that wasn't too great and Littlefinger realises he can't talk his way out of this one. He begs for forgiveness on his knees, making him the perfect height for Arya to slash his throat, in the traditional execution method of the North. (How cool would it have been for them to behead Littlefinger where Ned beheaded the traitor of the Night's Watch way back in the first episode? With Bran watching on like he did back then? They love Ned in one scene then go out of their way to avoid callbacks in others, just to make sure we know how much of a bad arse Arya is).

Later, Sam and Gilly arrive with tiny baby Sam, whose age makes me want to punch things, and Sam immediately goes to see Bran The Wise All-Knowing. Bran obviously knows who it is at the door without looking up and tells him that he can see everything in the past and everything that is happened now, all over the world. Then he asks what Sam is doing there (slightly less all-knowing than we originally thought).
Bran then becomes Mr Exposition and tells us what has been clunkily written into every Jon scene this season: Jon is not Ned's son, his mother is Bran's aunt, Lyanna Stark. He needs to tell Jon this. He's been corresponding with Jon pretty regularly via ravens but he hasn't told him this but HE NEEDS TO KNOW (?!)
Bran tells us that his name should be Sand, not Snow, because he was a bastard born in Dorne. Sam then tells Bran something he doesn't know (I mean, I'm starting to think that's most things): Rheagar Targaryen had his first marriage with Elia Martell annulled (despite two children together... THIS ISN'T WHAT ANNULMENT IS) and married Lyanna in secret. Jon isn't a bastard.

Budget issues = wig reuse

Bran the Three Eyed Raven has a vision of a wedding somewhere very un-Dorne-like of a man in the Viserys wig (Rheagar, we can presume) marrying Lyanna in secret.

Bran's narration then says that Robert's Rebellion was built on a lie because Lyanna wasn't kidnapped and raped - she chose to marry Rheagar.

[Hello. Me again, with an angry aside. True, Lyanna's 'abduction' was the initial catalyst for Robert's Rebellion but so was Mad Aegon's behaviour. I mean, don't skirt around the fact that he killed Rickard and Brandon under horrendous, torturous circumstances and then called for both Robert's and Ned's heads. That definitely did more to get backing for the rebellion than Lyanna's plight.]

Okay, this is where my geographical summary kind of falls apart as, intercut with this flashback and Bran's narration in Winterfell, is the boat sex scene.

Look how mad he is!!

Jon knocks on Dany's door.
There are no words.
He enters her room.
We pan back to the hallway... and Tyrion is v mad about this.
Lol why?
I know we like seeing Tyrion's angry face but why would he be mad about this? Jon's already pledged his allegiance. Jon and Dany both take Tyrion's advice; it's not like Jon opposes Tyrion regularly.
CONFUSING ANGRY TYRION IS ANGRY.

Anyway, over the top of some awfully passionless sex and Lyanna whispering to Ned, Bran tells us that Jon is the rightful heir to the Iron Throne and his real name is Aegon.

[Erm. What?
Rheagar already has a son called Aegon with Elia. Is he that much of a dick that he would delegitimise his children with his first wife and then name his 'true' heir born of his second wife after his other son? That's so WEIRD. I thought Rheagar was supposed to be a good guy? This is a dick move.]

Obviously Dany and Jon don't know this and so the aunt and nephew precede to have sex. They are definitely naked and writhing but it's all very awkward and incredibly un-sexy. This can't just be me.
Whatever. Sex is done. Incest is still a thing, even now Jaime and Cersei are over. Hooray!

Back on the rooftop, Sansa and Arya are finally having the nice bonding Stark sister moment they should have had the moment Arya returned.
[Honestly, this double bluff of Sansa being wary of Arya only to trust inherently over Littlefinger in a 'shock twist' is so STUPID. Why would Arya threaten to rip Sansa's face off? They were on their own, this wasn't to trick Littlefinger that they were arguing - they genuinely were. The only reason for it was so the audience would be surprised at what happens next, but it's totally out of character, as we see in this finale on the roof.]

Arya and Sansa discuss Ned and how the lone wolf dies but the pack survives. This could have been said last episode without Sansa finding the bag of faces (loooooool, every time) and without any threat from Arya. Then, the audience could be super hyped for them to team up and take Littlefinger down.

[The scene of Arya threatening to kill Sansa when they were secretly friends all along  is on a level with this smile from Hans in Frozen:

Only the audience sees it so we believe he is a good guy, when later on you find out he's only after Anna for the crown and he doesn't love her at all. THEN WHY SMILE LIKE THIS, HANS?!
Sorry, I forgot what I was meant to be ranting about. Hopefully you get my point.]

I do also love how they only talk about missing their dad here. No mentions for their mum or their two brothers. All dead, guys. Not just Ned. There were other Starks.

Finally, back with Bran, he's having a vision of Eastwatch. Tormund and Beric are on the Wall when, after seven LONG seasons, the Army of the Dead have reached the Wall. There's bloody loads of 'em. To make matters worse, the Night's King has only gone and got an ice dragon, hasn't he?
Unnamed Dead-Now-Undead Dragon breathes blue flames at the Wall, which WORKS. It burns a hole through the Wall and many Night's Watchmen are thrown to their deaths (I'm going to go out on a limb here and say expect to see Tormund and Beric alive again next season, though).

Season Seven ends with the wights crossing the Wall and arriving in Westeros.
Considering the distance between the Wall and Winterfell in the show so far, they should arrive immediately next episode but let's not dwell too much on that.

Aaaand we're done! Good God, now I remember why I'd blocked this episode out.
Fewer plot holes and time/travel issues to get angry about but still a very problematic finale.


High Points:

• The Hound's smile about Arya
•    
•  

Low Points:

• Pointless truce talks that did nothing for the plot
• Jaime's character assassination
• Jon = Aegon WTF
• Tyrion still being alive

Summary:

I'm sorry this is so lengthy but, to be fair, so was the 1hr 21min episode.
I will be back soon with a blog post of everything we've been given for Season Eight so far. I have lots of feelings about it all.
Follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness: @noneedtomoan

This April is going to be rough, isn't it?

Apologies and Promises

So I feel some explanation is in order...

I was very intense about Game of Thrones Season Seven and then disappeared after the finale! What actually happened was my much loved and depended-upon Mac decided to die just as I was about to start editing the final episode of the podcast. I had also written up my blog post on the finale and that is lost to the Mac as well. </3

However, this April sees the final ever season of Game of Thrones hit our screens and that seems too big to pass up so I've booted up an old laptop and... it works!
The future of the podcast is uncertain but I can tell you for sure that I will be here reviewing each episode each week in a full blog post.

I'm going to rewatch the Season Seven finale (I was just sick in my mouth a bit saying that) so I can post a full review before I even think about tackling Season Seven trailers (although I obviously have a lot of thoughts on them already).

Apologies for my absence and I promise I'm here for the long haul now. Judging by the spoilers I've read and the trailer, Season Eight is going to be even more of a shit show than normal and I'm going to have to purge my feelings each week to stop me from hitting my head against a wall.

I'm also going to try to restart my daily saltiness on Twitter so give me a follow while I try to find my feet again: @noneedtomoan

I'll be back shortly with a full review of the Season Seven finale, just to remind us all wtf we actually sat through a couple of years ago. From what I remember about last season, this will be my general reaction:

Wish me luck.