Season Seven, Episode Seven - The Dragon and the Wolf

I used to watch Game of Thrones every week, waking up at 01:45am on a Monday morning to live-tweet my thoughts (@noneedtomoan) and staying up late that night to write a full review (if you want to catch up on season seven, here are my previous rants: E1, E2 , E3, E4, E5 and E6). I even had a podcast with two of my friends, analysing each episode between us (She, Herself and Guy).
We were gathering a very small but loyal following but, sadly, my Mac had other plans. It tragically died a death with my blog post of the finale of Season Seven on it. In the midst of planning a wedding, I did nothing further. Without my Mac, I couldn't edit the final podcast episode either. I was so busy that I just let it all go.

However, a Facebook friend of mine excitedly shared a trailer for Season Eight of Game of Thrones recently and I realised I couldn't sit back and stay quiet. It was time to return, kicking and screaming, and I couldn't do that properly until I'd thoroughly reviewed the Season Seven finale.
That leads us to now. I sit in my front room, cup of coffee in front of me, notepad in hand, brightness turned all the way up (OMG IT'S SO DARK), and ready to remember what actually happened in the final episode of the penultimate season of Game of Thrones (I've honestly blocked it out so this will be as emotional anger-inducing as it was the first time round).

Apparently it was a brilliant episode...

"This felt like a return to focusing on the basics of drama — great writing, acting and direction — and was the best episode of the season" - Entertainment Weekly

Let's see if I agree.

We kick off with a recap, which is actually very helpful in my situation:

Me when I begin to remember last episode 

• Euron takes Yara and Theon literally gets in the sea rather than saving her
• Sansa sends Brienne to King's Landing, discovers the bag of faces (OMG HOW COULD I FORGET?!) and is threatened by Arya
• Tyrion and Jaime have a Bronn-facilitated meeting to arrange for Cersei to see proof of the Army of the Dead
• The Night's King kills the Dragon Not Important Enough To Have A Name and makes it an undead wight with blue eyes
• Dany and Jon hold hands (oo-er) and he calls her his queen

Okay let's crack on then. I'll try and do this geographically but there's some confusing crossover bits that I'll have to try and tackle when I reach them.

We open on a shit tonne of Unsullied and Dothraki soldiers at King's Landing and Bronn and Jaime having a nice chat about cocks rather than anything meaningful. Bronn even says he's starting to think that Team Cersei is "about to be the downtrodden"

[Very early for my first aside but doesn't this beg the question - why do Dany and Jon need Cersei? Their armies are much more vast so what can the Lannister army truly bring to help? Wouldn't they have been better off staying up North and readying themselves for battle there? Collecting all the dragonstone they can find? Training the Unsullied and Dotrhraki in combat with the wights? This entire endeavour feels pointless to me. Especially them ALL going. Maybe that's just me.]

The rest of Dany's crew, minus Dany, is arriving by boat. Tyrion makes some SWEET brothel jokes and the Hound goes below deck to bang on the crate with the wight in it and remind everyone what we're doing here.

Meanwhile, Cersei is finding out from Qyburn and Jaime that Dany isn't on the boat with the rest of her cronies and is not happy about it. Regardless, she heads over to the Dragonpit for the meeting.

[I mean, if I were Queen and meeting up with a known enemy who has dragons and wants me dead, I'd definitely meet somewhere with a lot of space overhead, enough for a deadly dragon or three to land in comfortably. Great idea. What could possibly happen?]

Before she goes, she tells Dead Mountain to kill the "silver haired bitch" first, should anything go wrong (#Feminism). Interestingly, Tyrion ranks at No. 2 on the 'who-to-kill- and-when' list... Tyrion. The man she blames for her children's deaths. The man who killed her father. The man she has always been terrified of because she knows she will die at his hand one day. Whoops. They cut that prophecy. (Gah. I really intended to avoid book references. Sorry. My bad.)

Jaime has a weird reaction to all of this. He looks almost concerned about Cersei's murderous impulses. Almost like this is a new side to her, wanting to kill a few people.  This is the woman who blew up the sept containing all of the Tyrells, septons and numerous innocent onlookers.
I'm glad they're distancing Jaime from Cersei but it feels miles too late.
If he's stood by her this far, what will it take for him to actually leave her?
Where is our 'honour' story arc for Jaime? (Ffs, once you start with the book references apparently you can't stop. Soz. Again. I'll reign it in.)


Next, we cut to the gang (minus Gendry... where's he? The Wall? Remember when he was the true heir to the Baratheon throne? Good times) transporting the wight to the Dragonpit. Then, let's waste some time in the finale for no apparent reason by having meaningless catch ups with people who haven't seen in other in a while!

Catch Up 1 - Pod and Tyrion
As much as I loved these two as a duo many moons ago, this conversation added nothing to anything. A nod would have done the same job. Whatever, Bronn realises this and helpfully interrupts by reminding everyone that Pod has a massive magic penis.

[Interesting how this useless fact about Pod has never been forgotten. Anytime we see him, it's brought up. Unlike other character traits - The Hound's fear of fire, which disappeared when he had to mount a dragon, Family Man Davos forgetting his dead son at the hands of Tyrion when they join forces, Jon looking more like Ned than any of the other Starks until he conveniently doesn't last episode - THIS, this penis fact that is completely made up and adds nothing to his character or the rest of the storyline, THIS is remembered]

Catch Up 2 - Brienne and Hound
I suppose this wasn't the absolute worst but only because the actors sold it to me. I have to admit that I liked the Hound's proud smile when he found out people need protecting from Arya but, if we're honest, the overall conversation was still incredibly unnecessary and taught us nothing new. To say that they've cut the episodes down from 10 to 7, they're still including a whole heap of shit we don't need here.

Catch Up 3 - Tyrion and Pod (again), with Bronn
As Bronn said, there's no time for Tyrion to suck Pod's magic cock but there's plenty of time for him to do it to himself as he decrees the are the "heroes of Blackwater Bay". Bronn tries to convince Tyrion, and the rest of us, that arranging this meeting meant no risk to him but it is weirdly above and beyond the call of duty for a man that used to be a sell sword, fighting for the highest bidder. He also turns Tyrion's offer of double the money to change allegiances. It feels a lot like Bronn is loyal to the Lannisters now, sticking his neck out for them, where before this loyalty could easily be bought. (#GoodGuyBronn)

Catch ups over, the Hound leaves the wight outside and they enter THE DRAGON PIT (sorry, the dramatic music made me feel like all caps was necessary). Pod and Bronn leave for a pint, despite the latter organising the whole thing and saying to Tyrion moments earlier that it would get him in Cersei's good books.

Cersei and her mates enter and everyone seems to recognise the giant, Mountain-shaped soldier following her as the dead Gregor Clegane. The Hound visibly reacts and Tyrion agrees that it would seem that every Lannister has a "Clegane c*nt" to help them see their bad plans through.

Me trying to work out how everyone's ok with the Mountain

[This is confusing to me. Everyone knows this is the Mountain? Even though the Dornish were sent 'his head' as justice for Oberyn Martell's death? They're all okay with necromancy, just not when it's the White Walkers? They've travelled across Westeros to prove to Cersei that the undead exist when she has one working for her and they all KNOW THAT? Why can they not get Qyburn to 'fix' some of the wights then? Also, why did Jon tell Davos to keep his resurrection a secret? I assumed it was because people didn't particularly approve of necromancy... But the Mountain can be raised from the dead and work for Cersei and that's fine? WHAT?!]

Just as we had catch ups earlier, we now enjoy about 30 seconds of meaningful glances between people:
Jaime and Brienne
Cersei and Tyrion
Euron and Theon

Oooh. Tense. *eyeroll*

Anyway, it's been a while since there was any #CleganeBowl hype so the writers make sure the Hound goes straight up to his dead-not-dead brother and, somehow knowing he wouldn't be able to answer any questions, has a one sided conversation about how he definitely remembers him and how the Mountain knows this isn't how it ends for him - someone else is coming for him. And, even though now would probably be a mint time to prove this to him (the world is about to end because of the wights, who knows when you'll see him again), the Hound decides to walk back out the way he came.
#CleganeBowl for Season Eight, anyone?

Dany arrives by dragon, late. No real reaction from anyone tbh. No sense of wonder at these creatures that haven't been seen by anyone of this generation. They've just heard stories of them. Here they are, the mythical creatures and...

.... This is pretty much it from everyone.

Even if you want to say that these people were all too tense and scared about the meeting to react, we could've seen some of the commoners of King's Landing reacting to dragons overhead for the first time in their lifetimes. That may have been cool. 

So charisma-less Dany arrives and takes her seat and... says nothing while Tyrion stands up. I get that queens may not talk for themselves. But Cersei certainly does. This feels less like Dany showing her power and more like the writers having a hard on for Tyrion but whatever.

Obvious Euron is on my side too because he's having none of this and shouts over Tyrion to Theon, demandign he submit in order to save Yara. 

Everyone ignores him and, after some snide dwarf jokes, we're back on task. Good ole Jon steps in now because it's not enough to have one man explaining the obvious to two important women. He tells them about the Army of the Dead.
The Hound, hearing his cue from underground, drags the crate up from a different place to where he left it because #drama. The wight runs directly for Cersei until the Hound grabs a chain and stops it (The Mountain was legit useless here so it doesn't bode well for battle, Cersei bbz). He further demonstrates its resilience by chopping it up with his normal sword, only for it to continue moving.

Cersei remains unmoved,  Jaime looks confused and Qyburn, in all honesty, is incredibly aroused, picking up the hand for later use. Not quite the reaction they were hoping for from their demonstration I think.

Jon then goes into further detail about how only fire and dragonglass can destroy the wights and I scream in frustration for a little bit.
Where was this confirmation last episode? Because I'm pretty sure that no one covered this before they left on their stupid, stupid mission. 

The gang that ventured beyond the wall all had weapons and spears but it was never really specified that this was dragonglass, even though they all seemed to successfully kill wights as they attacked. FFS, Jon killed the main guy with his sword. Yes, it was a Valyrian steel sword and this had already happened way back in Season Five, Episode Five (Hardhome) but then why doesn't he mention this?

He lists these two methods as the only ways the wights can be killed when this is clearly not true and clearly wasn't explained to the little A-Team squadron that went beyond the wall last episode. GOD, JON YOU'RE SO STUPID.


Sorry, back to the episode. Euron, who's read the synopsis of last week's mission beyond the wall, asks if the wights can swim and Jon says no.

Sigh.

Why do I do this to myself?

Wights can't swim. Cool. We have mild evidence of this because they will not cross water until it's iced over. Very true, well done Jon.

Except, remember last episode? When Tormund was being dragged into the water by some wights that had just been pushed in there by the Hound?
I couldn't find a GIF for this bit but I rewatched and screenshotted the moment the wights popped out of the water and, trust me, those bastards can SWIM.
This also makes you wonder why the wights spent the entire night on the other side of the water surrounding the A-Team last episode. Could it have been for plot purposes? Or maybe, genuinely, this moment pictured is the moment they realised they can swim? Mainly, my point is THEY CAN SWIM.
This makes me angry because Jorah was there when this was happening to Tormund and he helped him out of the situation. Jorah knows wights can swim but says NOTHING now. This is his moment to look smarter than Jon in front of Dany and he doesn't take it? I call bullshit. The writers needed Euron to go at this point and his only excuse to go was that it was safer to be on water. #plothole

Oh, just in case you don't think two wights surviving a mild dunking from the Hound is evidence that they can swim, please enjoy this GIF of the wights using chains to pull out the undead version of The Dragon Not Important Enough To Have A Name.
How did they get the chains under/attached to the dragon? Someone would have to be able to swim and I can only see wights, how about you? I put less credence to this because, for now, Jon and co don't know about this, but we certainly do.
Wights can swim and D&D are such terrible writers that they have to leave massive gaping plot holes in order to move their story forward.

Whatever.
Euron goes back to the Iron Islands . Bye.

Cersei was apparently more moved than her face let on during the wight display and agrees to the truce on one condition - Jon, King of the North, cannot pick a side. He must remain neutral.

[Quickly, I find it curious that Dany is called a 'would-be usurper' by Cersei and Robb was called a traitor for saying he was King of the North but Jon is just allowed to do it? And is forgiven? #doublestandards]

Well this is supes awks because Jon JUST declared Dany to be his queen last episode.

Cersei also takes this moment to remind us all that Jon is Ned Stark's son (lel foreshadowing) and that Ned was always true to his word, even when he lied about committing treason to protect his family.

Everyone @ Jon

Jon comes clean -- he's already pledged allegiance to Dany. Soz. Everyone's a bit annoyed at him for telling the truth and Cersei is now unwilling to make a deal. She says the undead will be the North's problem first and storms right out of there.

Everyone berates Jon for telling the truth and dropping himself in it, ruining the plan, and Dany reminds him that No Name Dead Dragon (if they won't name him properly, neither will I) died for the cause and, right now, that means nothing.

Welcome to Game of Thrones, Dany. Nothing means anything.

Tyrion tells Jon off for not knowing when he needs to lie and Jon doesn't care; he cannot swear an oath he can't uphold, even if it is the attitude that got Ned killed.

[Gah. Jon. Ned was beheaded by Joffrey because the Lannisters had him up against a wall: he had to lie and say he was a traitor before and now he believes Joffrey to be the true King. If he didn't tell this lie, Sansa would be in danger as they held her hostage. The only reason Ned was able to be publicly executed like this was because he told this lie. If he'd stuck to his guns, they may have kept him prisoner forever, torturing Sansa and using him as a bargaining chip with Robb. I KNOW Ned is remembered as an incredibly honourable man but he lied about this and, of course, he told the lie that saved Jon's life: he is my bastard son. He knew lying was crucial when lives were at stake. Don't blame your weirdly honest response to Cersei here on Ned. This is all you, Jon. You idiot.]

Jon: "When enough people make false promises, words stop meaning anything"
I mean this bit should essentially be the tagline for Seasons 5-7.

So, Jon's got us all in a right pickle. Not to worry! Wise Ole Tyrion will save us!
He heads to the Red Keep to see Cersei, who tells him his only goal is to destroy the Lannisters. Remorseful Tyrion then shares with her that he hates himself for killing Tywin because D&D can't very well have their ultimate hero going around saying he did the right thing, can they? Even though Angry Tyrion had every reason to kill Tywin and enjoyed killing him and Shae (never forget this needless death, guys). I hate that they've written in this shame; it seems so ill-matched to Actual Tyrion, who is meant to be complicated and have elements of good and bad - he isn't just a 'good guy'. Sigh.

Anyway, Cersei cares not a jot for this regret, as Evil Tyrion killed Myrcella (he did push the whole Dorne thing, fair) and Tommen (pretty sure he committed suicide but ok), even if he didn't kill Joffrey (this must be news to Tyrion - who, as far as I know, doesn't know about Olenna's deathbed confession. Weird that he doesn't  ask what's changed her mind since they last spoke...)
Martyr Tyrion tells her to kill him and my big question is: Why. The. Fuck. Doesn't. She.

[Cersei has hated Tyrion for most of her life. She has threatened him multiple times. Dany and Jon are already against her and most of that gang predict that he's going into a dangerous meeting anyway -- I don't think they'd be surprised if she killed him. Yes, Tyrion claims he is The Dany Whisperer and, if he wasn't advising her, she would've brought fire and blood to King's Landing but I don't think Team Dany have time to take vengeance for his death straight away. They'd have to go kill all the wights before they come back for Cersei... Exactly what they are going to do anyway. I honestly cannot understand why Cersei doesn't take this moment. I also can't understand why the writers continue to keep Tyrion alive when his death would be incredibly shocking and make good TV. Remember when we never used to know who they'd kill off next? Yeah, that element of mystery is long gone. Tyrion will stay alive no matter what he does or says. Because he is Tyrion.]

Whatever. Cersei's pregnant. Whoop-de-doo.

*cough* Dany. Dany did that. *cough*

Meanwhile, back at the Dragonpit, Jon and Dany are having a chat while handling bones of dragons past.
Sexy.

Dany says in Valyrian "A dragon is not a slave" sand she slags off her ancestors for keeping dragons chained up in the dragonpit because yeah what awful person would do that to keep their citizens safe?

Anyway, they have a nice chat and Dany blurts out "I CAN'T HAVE CHILDREN" and, when Jon asks her how she knows this, she says that the witch that murdered her husband told her.

Okay. I don't want to be a dick here, Dany, but let's go back to your husband's death. Mirri Maz Duur 'cured him' and killed your unborn child. Drogo was left in a vegetative state and this exchange happened:

And that was it. Then, you didn't want Drogo to live this way so YOU mercy-killed him. So let's not refer to the witch as a murderer, maybe, yeah? Also, Mirri Maz Duur made no prophecy about your ability to have children. I know I said I wouldn't bring them up but the only place with that information in is the books. D&D can't have it both ways -- they can't tell us to think of the TV series as a separate entity to the books and then nick stuff from the books that they've forgotten to seed earlier on. It is REALLY important that Dany has thought she was barren since Mirri Maz Duur's prophecy. It seeds her attachment to the dragons as her children, her sympathy and anger over children being enslaved and killed in Mereen, and the way she is torn about the Iron Throne - she knows she deserves it and it is hers, but she cannot produce an heir, so who will sit on the throne after her? This obviously just seemed like boring book stuff to D&D, and not important character development, so they cut it from Season One. But, now, when it needs to be a surprise that she will be pregnant with Jon Snow's child next season (I mean, duh), they have to have a OMG of course she can't get pregnant bit first. 

Oh, wow, I didn't think I was this angry but apparently I am, sorry.

Back to Dany and Jon, who are, I think, meant to be understanding and trusting one another at this point. We're meant to feel that white-hot chemistry burning between them but... It's just Kit and Emilia pointing their dead eyes in each other's direction and I hate everything and everyone and I wish I hadn't rewatched because honestly we're barely into it and there's so much more bullshit to come in this episode and I might have to take a break to cry for a little bit.

Hero Tyrion returns to the Dragonpit, closely followed by Cersei, who reluctantly agrees to call her banners to march North alongside Dany for the Great War.

Later, Cersei speaks to Jaime and reveals they are not sending their troops to help fight the wights at all. TWAS ALL A LIE. Jaime is appalled and shocked (not sure how, this is classic Cersei) at her lies and Cersei tries to convince him it's for the best, using their unborn baby as the main reason. Then, big reveal: it turns out Euron isn't really going back to the Iron Islands - he's heading to Essos to get the 20,000 men, horses, and elephants of the Golden Company in return for Cersei's hand in marriage.
Jaime is heartbroken and finally sees Cersei for what she is. Apparently of all the horrendous, murderous things she's done (killing everyone at the sept, sleeping with Lancel etc etc), her plotting with Euron Greyjoy behind his back is the last straw. He tries to storm out but Cersei threatens him with treason and seems to signal The Mountain to do something. For a millisecond, I forget that this is Season Seven and not Season Three and I think that maybe there might be a shock death of a named character but, alas not. It is not clear if Cersei decides to let Jaime go or if The Mountain is a bit slow on the uptake (I mean, he is dead) and doesn't do as he is asked. Maybe she needs a clearer signal for 'kill him'.
So this is two traitorous brothers that have asked Cersei to kill them now. Number dead: 0.
Then, as Jaime is leaving King's Landing, it begins to snow. Finally, winter has arrived in the very warm-looking capital.

[Given this reveal, I can't help but feel like the whole Cersei/Dany meet was a pointless excuse to get all the actors together in one scene. Think about it: if Dany would have sent a raven and Cersei would have said no to helping... Would the episode have ended any differently? If they'd just sent the Hound with the wight? Any difference? Really, Team Dany should have stayed North and began preparations for the Great War, rather than faffing about trying to convince someone who hates them all to help them.]

#boatsex

Back at Dragonstone (I'm assuming because of the map), there's some planning about how Dany will travel North. Jorah makes the excellent point that a dragon journey is quicker and much safer but Jon offers a boat.
Which has bedrooms. For... Sleeping.

If you know what I mean.

Theon then takes a minute to catch up with Jon and, I have to take a minute here for Alfie Allen. He absolutely acts his socks off in this scene and I only wish he'd been given some good lines to deliver. Imagine what he could do with a situation that actually makes sense. Gah, what a waste. Anyway, Jon says some nonsense about how Ned was a father to Theon (he wasn't, Theon was a 'ward' or a political prisoner, being held by the Starks to ensure the Greyjoys didn't revolt again. The Stark family always kept Theon at arm's length because he wasn't one of them. It is known) and that he's a Greyjoy and a Stark. NO HE'S NOT.
Theon decides to do the right thing and go and rescue Yara at last (isn't Ellaria Sand being held by Euron too? Does anyone remember her? Have the Dornish just given up? Or do D&D want to pretend Season Five never happened?) so he goes down to the beach to ask some Ironborne men to back him in his rescue attempt.
He has a fight with the leader of the group, who keeps telling him to stay down, but Theon continues to get up and fight. Then, the Unnamed Ironborne man knees Theon between the legs because punching him in the face and heabutting him had been working too well. But, obviously Theon has been castrated so there is NO PAIN WHATSOEVER.

Okay. Okay. This was embarrassing.

Entertainment Weekly said of this scene:

"This isn't meant to be funny. If you can get past that this moment hinges on that silliest of comedic tropes - the kick in the nuts - it's emotionally powerful".

I think EW are giving the writers too much credit here and, honestly 99% of viewers will have had this reaction:

After the shock of the moment, Theon smiles and manages to get four punches to the leader's head, which apparently kills him, and the Ironborne all shout "Yara!" and go on their merry way.

Okay let's head to Winterfell. Not because I want to, but because we have to.
Littlefinger is trying to be the great puppet master he was once rumoured to be before the TV show got their hands on him and tells Sansa to imagine the worst case scenario of why Arya is back. This isn't hard for her: Arya out-and-out threatened her with death when they were on their own in her room so Sansa naturally is very wary of her little sister.
Later, there is a meeting in the Great Hall, she lists the accusations of treason and murder and then reveals... It's Lord Baelish she is accusing!
DUN DUN DUNNNNN
Littlefinger is very surprised but no one else is. She lists his crimes: killing Jon Arryn, convincing Lysa Arryn to write to her sister stating the Lannisters killed her husband before throwing her out of the Moon Door, plotting with Cersei to kill Ned Stark...
All of these things, which probably should've been brought up sooner, eh?

Give me strength.

Littlefinger very fairly says that they have no proof but UH OH SUPER ALL-KNOWING BRAN ALERT. Apparently, just like Westeros has accepted necromancy in the form of The Mountain, The North has accepted that Bran is a magic all-seeing, all-knowing boy, whose visions* can be trusted and can be used as evidence in a trial.

*just checking - didn't the Three Eyed Raven's visions always come from the network of weirwood trees? And that's why the original 3ER (RIP) was most powerful in the cave of weirwood roots? He was connected to everything. I don't remember a weirwood tree in King's Landing when Littlefinger threatened Ned and said the famous "I told you not to trust me" line, so how has Bran-The-New-3ER seen this?

Apparently it's only me, yet again, that cares about the semantics because the Northerners take Bran's word as gospel and ignore his requests to give him safe passage back to the Eeyrie because he is Lord Protector of the Vale (I wonder how Robin is doing, btw).
Sansa remembers that Littlefinger also sold her to the Boltons and how that wasn't too great and Littlefinger realises he can't talk his way out of this one. He begs for forgiveness on his knees, making him the perfect height for Arya to slash his throat, in the traditional execution method of the North. (How cool would it have been for them to behead Littlefinger where Ned beheaded the traitor of the Night's Watch way back in the first episode? With Bran watching on like he did back then? They love Ned in one scene then go out of their way to avoid callbacks in others, just to make sure we know how much of a bad arse Arya is).

Later, Sam and Gilly arrive with tiny baby Sam, whose age makes me want to punch things, and Sam immediately goes to see Bran The Wise All-Knowing. Bran obviously knows who it is at the door without looking up and tells him that he can see everything in the past and everything that is happened now, all over the world. Then he asks what Sam is doing there (slightly less all-knowing than we originally thought).
Bran then becomes Mr Exposition and tells us what has been clunkily written into every Jon scene this season: Jon is not Ned's son, his mother is Bran's aunt, Lyanna Stark. He needs to tell Jon this. He's been corresponding with Jon pretty regularly via ravens but he hasn't told him this but HE NEEDS TO KNOW (?!)
Bran tells us that his name should be Sand, not Snow, because he was a bastard born in Dorne. Sam then tells Bran something he doesn't know (I mean, I'm starting to think that's most things): Rheagar Targaryen had his first marriage with Elia Martell annulled (despite two children together... THIS ISN'T WHAT ANNULMENT IS) and married Lyanna in secret. Jon isn't a bastard.

Budget issues = wig reuse

Bran the Three Eyed Raven has a vision of a wedding somewhere very un-Dorne-like of a man in the Viserys wig (Rheagar, we can presume) marrying Lyanna in secret.

Bran's narration then says that Robert's Rebellion was built on a lie because Lyanna wasn't kidnapped and raped - she chose to marry Rheagar.

[Hello. Me again, with an angry aside. True, Lyanna's 'abduction' was the initial catalyst for Robert's Rebellion but so was Mad Aegon's behaviour. I mean, don't skirt around the fact that he killed Rickard and Brandon under horrendous, torturous circumstances and then called for both Robert's and Ned's heads. That definitely did more to get backing for the rebellion than Lyanna's plight.]

Okay, this is where my geographical summary kind of falls apart as, intercut with this flashback and Bran's narration in Winterfell, is the boat sex scene.

Look how mad he is!!

Jon knocks on Dany's door.
There are no words.
He enters her room.
We pan back to the hallway... and Tyrion is v mad about this.
Lol why?
I know we like seeing Tyrion's angry face but why would he be mad about this? Jon's already pledged his allegiance. Jon and Dany both take Tyrion's advice; it's not like Jon opposes Tyrion regularly.
CONFUSING ANGRY TYRION IS ANGRY.

Anyway, over the top of some awfully passionless sex and Lyanna whispering to Ned, Bran tells us that Jon is the rightful heir to the Iron Throne and his real name is Aegon.

[Erm. What?
Rheagar already has a son called Aegon with Elia. Is he that much of a dick that he would delegitimise his children with his first wife and then name his 'true' heir born of his second wife after his other son? That's so WEIRD. I thought Rheagar was supposed to be a good guy? This is a dick move.]

Obviously Dany and Jon don't know this and so the aunt and nephew precede to have sex. They are definitely naked and writhing but it's all very awkward and incredibly un-sexy. This can't just be me.
Whatever. Sex is done. Incest is still a thing, even now Jaime and Cersei are over. Hooray!

Back on the rooftop, Sansa and Arya are finally having the nice bonding Stark sister moment they should have had the moment Arya returned.
[Honestly, this double bluff of Sansa being wary of Arya only to trust inherently over Littlefinger in a 'shock twist' is so STUPID. Why would Arya threaten to rip Sansa's face off? They were on their own, this wasn't to trick Littlefinger that they were arguing - they genuinely were. The only reason for it was so the audience would be surprised at what happens next, but it's totally out of character, as we see in this finale on the roof.]

Arya and Sansa discuss Ned and how the lone wolf dies but the pack survives. This could have been said last episode without Sansa finding the bag of faces (loooooool, every time) and without any threat from Arya. Then, the audience could be super hyped for them to team up and take Littlefinger down.

[The scene of Arya threatening to kill Sansa when they were secretly friends all along  is on a level with this smile from Hans in Frozen:

Only the audience sees it so we believe he is a good guy, when later on you find out he's only after Anna for the crown and he doesn't love her at all. THEN WHY SMILE LIKE THIS, HANS?!
Sorry, I forgot what I was meant to be ranting about. Hopefully you get my point.]

I do also love how they only talk about missing their dad here. No mentions for their mum or their two brothers. All dead, guys. Not just Ned. There were other Starks.

Finally, back with Bran, he's having a vision of Eastwatch. Tormund and Beric are on the Wall when, after seven LONG seasons, the Army of the Dead have reached the Wall. There's bloody loads of 'em. To make matters worse, the Night's King has only gone and got an ice dragon, hasn't he?
Unnamed Dead-Now-Undead Dragon breathes blue flames at the Wall, which WORKS. It burns a hole through the Wall and many Night's Watchmen are thrown to their deaths (I'm going to go out on a limb here and say expect to see Tormund and Beric alive again next season, though).

Season Seven ends with the wights crossing the Wall and arriving in Westeros.
Considering the distance between the Wall and Winterfell in the show so far, they should arrive immediately next episode but let's not dwell too much on that.

Aaaand we're done! Good God, now I remember why I'd blocked this episode out.
Fewer plot holes and time/travel issues to get angry about but still a very problematic finale.


High Points:

• The Hound's smile about Arya
•    
•  

Low Points:

• Pointless truce talks that did nothing for the plot
• Jaime's character assassination
• Jon = Aegon WTF
• Tyrion still being alive

Summary:

I'm sorry this is so lengthy but, to be fair, so was the 1hr 21min episode.
I will be back soon with a blog post of everything we've been given for Season Eight so far. I have lots of feelings about it all.
Follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness: @noneedtomoan

This April is going to be rough, isn't it?

Season Six, Episode Ten

OMG GUYS! WE MADE IT!  It's episode ten.  That means it's over for another year.  I am both physically and emotionally exhausted.  This season has been draining; it is SUCH hard work to be this constantly angry.
So this is my last episode review.
I am thinking of doing some more analytical posts about individual elements I struggled with with Game of Thrones Season Six but, to be totally honest, there are so many others out there who do that better than me already that I don't know if you need my ranting in there too.  But... We shall see.
Anyway, once you've made sure you're all caught up on my previous episode reviews (E1, E2, E3, E4, E5,
 E6, E7, E8 & E9), go right ahead and have a read of my final review of season six.  Let's end this thing.

We open in Kings' Landing with some emotional music and a very strange montage of all of the important characters.  It's actually a montage of them getting ready for the trial of the century and not a bunch of teenagers preparing for a busy day in high school in the 80s (I do LOVE a montage).  It's hard to see because the lighting, as always, is non-existent but I'm pretty sure I spot Loras' lovely head of curly hair.  Exciting.  When was the last time we saw him?

Cersei decides to dress like a steam punk in mourning, which is a bold look, and Pycelle is still sleeping with prostitutes because this is all hilarious.  A child whispers to Pycelle.  The High Sparrow puts his sack on over his head on the morning and doesn't step into it.  All our important questions are being answered.
Legitimately though, weird dress aside, it's all fairly dull and I think the general idea is that we're meant to be tense (this is what the music is implying to me anyway) but I don't actually care about any of these characters and the trial hasn't really been set up in any way shape or form so I'm just left feeling... bored, to be completely honest.  That dress, though... Wowzers.
Anyway, we finally arrive at the sept and it turns out that Loras had a haircut that wasn't actually shown in the montage because it was too interesting.  He confesses and says there's no need for a trial and we all wonder why we've waited an entire season for one then.
Has Loras just been sat in his cell, thinking that he's better off waiting for the trial for the big 'reveal' of his confession?  When Margaery and Cersei confessed, they were released.  What is going on with Loras here?
Whatever.
He confesses to 'crimes' (even though it's a religious trial so they're probably just 'sins', aren't they?) such as purgery (like Marg!), laying with men and arrogance...  This trial is really unnecessary, isn't it?
The High Sparrow feels like he hasn't had any attention for a while so does a full on monologue for a bit until Loras finally says that his only wish is to now devote his life to the seven.  Oh, and he also wants to abandon the Tyrell name, never marrying or having kids, which was definitely going to happen.

Fun Book Fact #1: Loras is not the last remaining Tyrell heir.  He's not even an heir any more as he is a member of the Kingsguard.  There are two other Tyrell boys who can continue the Tyrell name.  #themoreyouknow

The High Sparrow makes sure that Loras knows that he's joining an extremist group and Loras is like ye no probs gramps I got this and then he gets a seven pointed star carved into his head.

Meanwhile, in the Red Keep, Tommen is ready to go to his mum's trial (arriving fashionably late and missing his brother in law's trial, like any good King) but hey what's this?  Ser Robert Strong I mean The Mountain Ser Gregor Clegane is blocking his way omgggg.
Oh, wait, we're back in the sept again (all this rushing around is making me dizzy) and everyone's wondering where Cersei is because it's her trial but she's not there, which is weird.  Then, for some unknown reason, Lancel is suspicious of a small child and follows him down under the city.  We're not sure why.
ALSO UNDERGROUND (#smoothsegues), Pycelle has been led to Qyburn by his whispering little bird. Qyburn has his turn at a little bit of a monologue and says, "before we can usher in the new, the old must be put to rest".  Right.  Qyburn.  Who are you talking about here?  Cersei?  Cersei is the new?  And that dead man you brought back to life?  He's NEW?
I'm so confused.

Fun Book Fact #2: There is a scene between Varys and Kevan in the books that has some similar dialogue.  Imagine that it hasn't been put in a blender and makes sense, both logically and in terms of plot.  That's the actual scene. #themoreyouknow

Whatever.  The little birds all stab Pycelle to death, really unnecessarily if we're honest.  Are they still doing these jobs for figs?  Because it's one thing to listen for gossip and find stored wildfire; it's quite another to straight up murder a man.
Yeah and then Lancel gets stabbed too but manages to drag himself around until he finds an entire stack of wildfire, which we can't believe is there despite the hugely obvious foreshadowing over the past few episodes.

Basically

He drags his body around (lol Arya got stabbed more than this and could do parkour, get it together Lancel) to... get a better view of the wildfire?
Upstairs, in the sept, people are beginning to notice that the King still hasn't arrived, neither has Cersei and also Lancel just walked out to follow a kid.
Margaery knows something is up because of Margaery reasons and she wants to get Loras out but the High Sparrow forces them to stay.  We're not sure why.  Cersei's trial doesn't start without her, like he says it will, and instead they all just stand around, panicking.  About what?  NO ONE KNOWS
And then... there's a rumbling sound and the High Sparrow finally clicks that something is wrong and then, suddenly:

(Source)

Cersei has a glass of wine and a smirk because she's just solved all her problems:

• High Sparrow and Faith Militant - dead
• Annoying Tyrells (Marg, Loras, Mace) - all dead
• Religion and therefore her trial - gone forever
• Crazy lethal uncrontrollable wildfire buried underneath the city - used safely to blow up one building in a controlled manner
• Pycelle - brutally stabbed

A few questions (obviously) about what happens next...

Cersei tortures Septa Unella as revenge for her part in Cersei's Season Five torture.  

Right.  Septa was doing what the High Sparrow told her to do.  The High Sparrow died a quick death.  You're torturing this Septa instead?  Also, I'm assuming that Gregor raped her, because that's kind of his niche, isn't it?  So you punish her horrifically.  But the man who caused it gets away with instant death?

Qyburn gets the little birds to stab Pycelle

Why?  He was on his way to the sept anyway.  He was going to die.  Why is it important to bring him down there and stab him like that?  What had he done?  Also, is it not dangerous to be down there right now?  There's hella lotta wildfire.

Cersei openly says she like fucking her brother
Fun Book Fact #3: Jaime begins to move on from Cersei as part of his character development and his search for redemption.  He separates himself from her as much as he can - cuts off his hair and grows a beard so as not to look anything like her.  He doesn't go and help her when she needs him most.  They are drifting further and further apart.  There is very little chance they will end up together. #themoreyouknow
I'm aware there's no one else there but... This is happening more and more.  Her and Jaime are telling anyone who will listen that they have a relationship.  Does this mean they're going to have a relationship now?  They're totally still in love.  Will Westeros be forced to accept an incestuous relationship?

Cersei's lack of care for her son is confusing
Fun Book Fact #4: Okay here's the thing: Cersei LIVES for her children.  It's creepy.  She's obsessed with them being okay and not getting hurt and, the more her children are in danger, the more frantic she should be getting about him being safe.  The prophecy said that her children would all die and then the 'valonqar' (that means 'brother', btw) will kill her.  She's so terrified of this prophecy; it haunts her. #themoreyouknow
So, she's just caused this crazy explosion and killed everyone in order to protect herself and her son from the evil people... And celebrates by not going to see Tommen AT ALL, instead using her time for petty, stupid and aggressively violent revenge.
Why is Cersei doing this?  What is her motivation?

And then, whilst Cersei is monologuing to a Septa...

#worstdeathever

Cersei- YOU JUST KILLED YOUR SON

All the Tyrells are dead, yay!
Erm, except they have the largest army in all of Westeros.  They weren't all in there.  So that means Olenna and the army are out and about, fuming at Cersei.
1) What's stopping the army from marching on a weakened Kings' Landing, with no Lannister soldiers there (they're all at Riverrun) and taking the throne by force?  Bloody Olenna could sit on it for I care.  Would they not even want revenge, even if they have no one to put on the throne themselves?
2) The Reach grows all the food and exports it across Westeros.  Winter is here.  Cut off their food source.  No?

Cersei, your plan's a pile o shit m8

Meanwhile, back at Riverrun, Walder Frey is monologuing about being great and the Lannisters are great and everything is great and Jaime is setting Bronn up with girls because chicks before actual storylines, amiright?
At one point, Walder genuinely says, "the famous Blackfish, killed by foot soldiers, eh?" and we all want to die because we're feeling the same as him (shock, disbelief, THATWASSTUPID) and empathising with a Frey is a terrifying notion.
He continues to monologue until Jaime's like, 'Wah shut up Freys are shit' #probablyparaphrasing
And that's Riverrun!

Back to Kings' Landing and Bad Mum Cersei.
She's looking at Tommen's body with Qyburn and this scene really bothers me.

She's emotionless.
Now, I know Lena Headey can act so it's a scripting/charcter issue I think because Cersei should be FLIPPING OUT.
Not only are all her precious babies gone but... She's next!  The prophecy is coming true and so she's the next one to die.  There should be lots of panic.  There should be a million soldiers following her everywhere, involuntary sobbing and drinking excessively.

She does none of these things.
They have a chat about what to do with the body because there is no sept for a funeral.  They decide on burning it and scattering his ashes on the site where the sept was, which I'm sure is super pretty and peaceful round about now, probably mere hours after you've just exploded it. :)

And then, because all that excitement was probably too much for you, let's go have a look at Sam and Gilly.

(Spoiler Alert: they're still the worst and baby is still a FUCKING BABY.)
They see all the white ravens leaving the Citadel, but don't really mention that it means winter is here.  We'll save that line for someone good, shall we?  There are a few minutes of boring, sticom-esque, painfully un-funny dialogue that is meant to be funny before Sam is allowed into the library.
Admittedly, I loved the library scene.
You must know how painful it is for me to come clean about enjoying any scene in Game of Thrones but I couldn't help it here.  It was gloriously cinematic (normally they can only do battle/gory scenes this visually stunning) and quiet and peaceful and... just really well done.  Now, I'm biased anyway because I have a bit of a thing for libraries and books and bookshops and *cough* READ THE BOOKS *cough* but even a book nerd like me can't help but think that it did not belong in episode ten.
Could Sam and Gilly not have just come straight here, rather than going to his dad's and getting chucked out and stealing the sword?  What was the point of all that?  What is this scene adding to the finale?
Omg, it's so pretty but... That's it.
That's all that happens before...

We see a white raven flying over what is definitely heavy snow-covered ground.  #lolwinterisfast

We're obviously at Winterfell!  We join Jon and Melisandre having a lovely little chat about being a bastard when they are rudely interrupted by Davos, who has remembered that he once knew a little princess called Shireen.

Back story:
Shireen taught Davos how to read when he was imprisoned.  They were closer than she was to her own parents, who basically hated her.  She was his best friend (bit far, but you get my point).  He had to leave her with Stannis, Selyse and Mel in Season Five, so he gave her a wooden stag for some reason.  At the end of Season Five, Melisandre returned to Castle Black (on the fastest horse ever), without Stannis or Shireen.  Davos asked about them but she simply shook her head and looked away.  No more words were spoken.  
At the start of season six, he got distracted from thinking about his King and BFF by working with Mel (who was responsible for the death of his son, btw and who he tried to murder in season three #neverforget) to resurrect Jon and only asked after a few episodes what happened to Shireen.  Convenient Brienne butted in and was like 'I KILLED STANNIS', which apparently answered Davos' query because he, once again, put it to bed.  
However, last episode, Davos literally stumbled upon Shireen's pyre and found the fireproof stag he gave her and this reminded him that hey Shireen was a person and she was missing and I wonder what happened and that's where we're upto okay?

So back in episode ten, Davos throws the stag at Mel and, quite honestly, acts the SHIT out of this scene.  Take a bow, Liam Cunningham because you were incredible.

Not from this episode but dem eyes <3

He tells Mel to tell Jon what she did and it all comes out -- yeah, she did kind of burn her at the stake...
Davos asks why, which is what we were all asking at the time tbf, and basically I can't believe this but Mel and him both blame Stannis.  I'm fairly certain they call him evil at one point, too.
Davos.  The man loyal to Stannis to a FAULT.  The man who knows it is the red woman and his wife who have poisoned his King's mind to the ways of the Lord of the Light.  he calls Stannis evil.
These writers seem to do everything they can to shit all over the memory of Stannis and it's horrific.  Sigh.
Anyway, Davos wants her dead and her argument to Jon, and it's a pretty good one, is that he's seen the Night's King (and apparently told all the characters about him because now everyone knows he's called the Night's King somehow) and he knows what they can do and he needs her.  This is kind of true.  She can resurrect people from the dead.  That could come in handy in any war, especially one AGAINST THE DEAD.
But nah, Jon decides that she can live because she has powers or something but she has to go do it in the South and, if he sees her in the North, he'll straight up kill a bitch, got it?
Mel rides off, but not before Davos gets a few threats in too.  #forShireen

Then, Sudden Sansa is Sudden and the writers do all they can to make people believe that these two might one day get together.

Jon is not a Stark but HE IS TO SANSA.  Sansa apologises for, you know, sacrificing Rickon and hundreds of wildlings for no good reason other than to keep a secret and smirk a bit at Jon whilst he's nearly dying in battle.  Jon's totally cool with this and is just like HEY.  Let's trust each other, yeah?  #logic

Oh also Sansa says, "Only a fool would trust Littlefinger" (because apparently Ned's memory needs to be ruined a little bit more) and "Winter is here" (followed by a Ned joke).  #StarkSnowbanter

And then, because I'm not angry enough, it's time for Dorne.  Deep breaths, guys.
Olenna is there, at the behest of the Sand Snakes, one of whom she calls Barbara.  Now, let's be honest, Olenna's sassiness is brilliantly delivered but is wearing thin quickly.  It must have been a while since the wildfire incident, because Olenna knows all about it and apparently the Lannisters have declared war against the Tyrells and the Dornish (ok I get the Tyrells, but when did Cersei declare war against the Dornish?  I thought all was peaceful in Dorne?)  Then, SUDDEN VARYS.  He appears and tells them that he's on their side and genuinely gets to say 'fire and blood'.
And now Dany's team has more sassy women.

SPEAKING OF DANY, LET'S GO TO MEREEN #smoothsegues

Stand back, Jorah. Daario = FriendZone King

Her fleet is ready to go, according to Daario, and he can't wait to see how the Dothraki cope, you know with them hating the ocean and that lolz.  Dany breaks some news to him, though -- he's not coming with her.
He explains that he's not bothered about her needing to remarry and just loves her and wants to be with her (all this emotion actually makes me feel a bit ill).  She's having none of it though and demands that Daario (the sellsword) runs Mereen for her instead.
Seems legit.
Daario is not happy and suspects Tyrion is responsible for doing this, which doesn't make any sense until Dany goes to see Tyrion to thank him for the advice and tell him that she did it.  Why does Dany just do whatever Tyrion says?  Do the writers not realise that's not what an ADVISOR is?
Why does Tyrion not want her to have a lover?  It's not exactly like you and Shae, Tyrion!  She's taking Westeros by FORCE, who's going to care about the guy she's sleeping with?  This is a weirdly specific thing to write into this episode and, although I'm not sure what it means, I don't like it.
Oh, there's another boring scene between Dany and Tyrion and she makes him cry by giving him a Hand's badge.  Yawn.

Fun Book Fact #5: Tyrion is obsessed with dragons.  Always has been.  In fact, it's one of the things that people use to prove that he is part Targaryen (not proven).  He dreams about riding them and they are always on his mind somewhat.
When was the last time Tyrion even acknowledged the dragons?  Discussed them?  Tried to nab a ride on one?  Sigh.

Aaaand we head back to Riverrun, just in time to be reminded that Walder Frey is a total creep.  He's all over this serving girl and asking her where his sons are.  She keeps responding that they're there.  This makes no sense to Walder, until he sees thumbs in his pie.

Fun Book Fact #6: Frey Pie is a theory.  Go read about it.  There's reasoning behind it.  It's funny.  It's clever.  It's not random.  Wyman Manderly is a fucking don.

And then, because it makes so little sense it just had to be done, the serving girl pulls her face off and it's Arya.  Yep.  She's made it from Braavos to Riverrun.  She's also stolen at least one face from the House of Black and White and learned how to be a sick assassin because she slices his throat.  Not before doing her whole 'I'm Arya Stark' thing, though.  Has she even done her kill list in season six?  Since she joined the Faceless Men?  Sigh.

This episode is sooooooo long :(

Back to Winterfell!
Ugh.  Littlefinger is being all gross with Sansa, who is 'done with all that praying'.  He says some of the least-Littlefinger things he's ever said, including the fact that his end goal has always been to sit on the Iron Throne (LOL NO), with Sansa beside him.  She pushes him away but he still says that she is the future of House Stark.  #tense

When you remember they made
Benjen = Coldhands

No time for this now, though, we must go to (near) The Wall.
Benjen is telling Bran he can't take him and Meera any further because the Wall is magic etc.  He takes Bran off the horse and unceremoniously dumps him by a tree and is all like 'later days, guys!  Meera, you got this, right?  He's pretty heavy, but you don't need this horse, do you?  Byeeee'. #probablyparaphrased

Fun Book Fact #7: Benjen is not Coldhands.  Confirmed.
Fun Book Fact #8: Bran cannot ride a horse, because his legs don't work.  Tyrion actually designed a contraption to allow Bran to be strapped to a horse and ride it.  Bran would not be physically able to be sat up on the horse like he was at the beginning of the scene.

Luckily for Bran, he's been dumped by a weirwood tree so he can touch it and remember the Tower of Joy.

This beginning of this scene was.... not bad?
I enjoyed hearing the phrases I've read so many times and I even liked the fact that Lyanna whispered parts to Ned so we couldn't hear it and so things weren't spelled out for us... Until they genuinely faded out of the baby's face, into Jon's face.  FFS.
Some problems with this scene: Rheagar has not been set up well enough for this to have any impact on a show watcher.  People on twitter have been thinking that Jon is Robert Baratheon's child.  We've never seen Rheagar, he's barely been spoken about and, if you haven't read the books, I don't think this scene will mean very much to you other than the fact that Jon is a Stark but not Ned's bastard son.  It's a real shame to let one of the most iconic and waited-for scenes to pan out like this.

SPEAKING OF JON AS A BABY, HERE'S JON AS AN ADULT #smoothsegues
Back in Winterfell, which looks suspiciously like the Wall set, the Northerners are declaring their leader... Jon is the King of the North.

Bran is the rightful heir to Winterfell.  
Both Jon and Sansa know he is alive (Sam told Jon and Theon told Sansa) and yet neither of them are admitting it to one another.  There are two ways of dealing with this:
1) Go and look for you fucking brother, the King in the North and Lord of Winterfell.  I know it's winter, but you really could go.  You could've gone before the fight with Ramsay actually, especially if you didn't care about losing Rickon anyway.  Sam saw him when they passed through the Wall, right?  So you know he's on the other side?  Take some wildlings!  GO.
2)  Try, you know, MENTIONING him?  One of them could take the seat in his place, fine, but he really should've been brought up in conversation.  The Northerners should know there is a third choice, a logical choice for King in the North.

If it's a choice between Sansa and Jon, Sansa is the rightful heir.
1) It's succession: girls > bastards.  Every time.  Yes, she's been married.  Twice.  Polygamously.  But that's beside the point.  She was born a Stark.  She is the heir.
2) It's logic.  These Northerners shout about Jon winning the battle and avenging the Red Wedding but he didn't -- Sansa did.  Jon's plan was awful; he charged off into battle and got his entire force surrounded.  He lost hundreds of men.  Now, tbf, this could've been solved if Sansa had have opened her stupid mouth but the reason they won was because of the Vale knights.  Sansa recruited the Vale knights.  She won the battle.  She's the reason they have Winterfell, not Jon.

Where are the Knights of the Vale?
Littlefinger's bobbing around but where is Robert Arryn?  Why is he not there?  If they are not declaring Jon King in the North, that's kind of a problem, right?  They're the biggest force there.  They will be needed.  That's a concern.
What about White Walkers?
1) Why do we now suddenly care about them?
2) Wasn't it nice of them to hold off on their war until Winterfell was retaken?
3) Are they a myth or do people believe?  This keeps changing, dependent on the storyline.
Where is Ghost?
And was Manderly's line about Jon being the white wolf just to piss me off?  It felt personal.
How does Sansa feel about all this?
1) She looks sulky at one point -- Is she jealous?  Does she want to be Queen in the North?
2) She smiles at another point -- Is she happy for Jon?  Is she hatching a secret plan?
3) She makes eye contact with Littlefinger -- Why do you want me to be so unhappy?

It's nearly over, gang.  Stay with me.

One last visit to Kings' Landing, where Jaime has arrived home, just in time to see his sister, Cersei Baratheon Lannister be crowned the Queen.

#nope

And, finally, we're in Mereen... well, the middle of the ocean, actually.  Near Mereen?
WHERE ARE WE?

Dany is on her boat, fitted with lovely Targaryen banners, with Theon and Yara and Grey Worm and Missandei and Tyrion and the dragons are following and the Dothraki are there and... A Dornish banner?  Huh.  No sign of the Sand Snakes, though.  Weird.  And Olenna's not with them, despite joining the allegiance.  And there are no roses.
Oh, but, don't worry.  Varys has made it there because of course he fucking has.

Omg.
We did it.
We're on the other side!

High Points
The library

Low Points
The plot holes.  Again.
The timeline problems.  As always.

and no, Mr Cogman, this does not answer those problems.

and if you don't understand why it doesn't, I'll gladly explain another time for you.






We may have reached the end of our weekly reviews, guys, but I'm not going anywhere.  I'm not quite finished moaning about Game of Thrones yet but, even when I am, I'll move on to something else.  I hope you stick with me.
Follow me on Twitter for more regular moaning: @noneedtomoan

For those of you who read this every week...

For anyone who follows me on Twitter and deals with incessant, angry, incoherent tweets on the regular...

Most importantly, for any of you out there who actually know me irl and haven't had me sectioned yet...