Season Eight, Episode Three - The Long Night

Oh boy.

I've been writing an arsey blog about Game of Thrones for three seasons now (twitter: @noneedtomoan and reviews: S8E1, S8E2) and watching the show for about five years and, honestly, this is the first time I've considered just stopping watching altogether.

It's - It's not good. Not good at all.
It's raised a lot of questions about the writing of the show and where it's heading next and I am scared and disappointed. Not an ideal mix. Wish me luck. It's a full 82 minutes of disaster to try and cover.

Okay before we just dive in, I want to reiterate a point about Game of Thrones that I touched on last week: I feel the showrunners (D&D) have completely missed the POINT of the story. 
The books (you know what, no, I'm not sorry) are a Song of Ice and Fire, the first book of which is about the Game of Thrones. The overriding message is the fight between the living and the dead. There are prophecies. The Long Night has been foretold and dreaded for eons. The longest winter will come and it will be horrendous; the Night's King will try to make the entirety of the Seven Kingdoms into undead wights and it will be bloody and brutal and only a miracle could prevent it from happening. Personally, I feel that this story has been being built for eight seasons, to culminate in a one-episode battle where not very much changes at all.
I think GRRM has bigger plans for the army of the dead than them just being defeated at Winterfell and everyone's lives moving on and the focus returning to who is sitting on a throne. In fact, I'd hazard a guess that he will want to make the complete opposite point. I knew D&D didn't get this but, before tonight I had no idea just how poorly they had interpreted the core message of the books: battling for power is meaningless in comparison to the war between the living and the dead.

Remember? When Jon and Dany were trying to convince Cersei of this? So meta.

I will come back to this repeatedly so I just wanted to get it out there right at the beginning.
Phew. This does not bode well.

Let's go.

We open on an Ok, Go! music video. We see Sam and Tyrion looking fairly panicked as they wait clearly not in the crypts as discussed boys and the BranBot 9000 as cool as ever as he's wheeled about. The ominous drums are ominous as it shows us a lot of nondescript Northerners preparing to die for the protagonists.
Admittedly, this long tracking shot is a cool way to show us how Winterfell is preparing for the battle ahead.
Quick question though - didn't we have two episodes of Winterfell preparing for the battle ahead? I feel like last week's episode could just have easily not happened and I'd already be caught up.

GHOST ALERT GHOST ALERT
We have a confirmed Ghost sighting - he is stood by Mormont's side (weird), out the front of Winterfell, and he is ready to disappear again to save the CGI budget fight.

We seem like we're ready to go when there's a horse in the pitch black distance... Melisandre arrives. Did she 'go around' the army of the undead and the Night's King like Tormund and Edd? Where has she been? What is she doing back here? There's mystery and then there's just plain stupid decisions. Mel returning this episode when we had to sit through last week's 50 minutes of catch ups and singing is bullshit. Anyway, she comes up, chill as you like, and lights the Dothraki's swords (technically called arakhs) on fire.

Cool, eh?

Bit weird she didn't do it for everyone's weapons because 1) that would make more sense and 2) it'd mean we could actually see the battle, which would be nice.
Alas, Mel merely equips the Dothraki with the flaming swords so off they go into the night, with no sign of the enemy ahead.

Time out for a sec.
This is a strange battle technique, right? When they were discussing using Bran as bait etc and Brienne saying she was in charge of a flank, I thought it was odd but seeing it in action...
There are hundreds of thousands of undead wights headed for Winterfell. Why would you not force them into a siege situation? Cover the walls and do the trenches and just wait for them to come to you?
Let's be honest, would you send a battalion of some of the BEST fighters in the land out blind? With no lookouts or any idea what they're running into (we know they don't have any scouts further afield because Jon just waited for Edd and Tormund to arrive at Winterfell to tell him when the wights would arrive, he didn't think to gather any information on his own)?
What's the point? No one else does anything. Why not wait for them to come closer and have everyone charge at once?
To say that there are so many men who toot their own horns about their battle prowess at Winterfell over the last two episodes and THIS is the plan they put together is EMBARRASSING.

Well. All of the Dothraki die. There's literally one or two who run back and some random single horses but, for the most side, that entire army is dunzo. Oh, all except Jorah. The white leader of the army survived everyone! YAY THE NAMELESS POC DIED SO THAT THE WHITE PROTAGONISTS MAY LIVE

Seeing this happen from a distance, Dany decides to intervene with Drogon and Jon follows.
The battle starts and Jaime immediately rescues Brienne (massive eye roll) before Drogon starts setting fire to bare wights.

Arya sends Sansa down to the crypts with Needle but not before our first Randomly Repeated Line From A Previous Season:

Do you see?
Because... he said it to... and now she's saying it...

Meanwhile, Theon and the ironborne wait with Bran in the Godswood. Pretty peaceful tbh. Back to hell on earth and everyone is fighting and it's very difficult to follow. I can't actually tell if people are dying as they fall but then they'll reappear or be saved by someone else. It's very fast and very difficult to track. It's weird just how quickly these wights can move after years of slowly marching towards the Wall. Ed saves Sam and is immediately killed for it.

Named Character Death Toll: 1

Okay we've got some action going and people are dying, how exciting. Let's keep up this momentum!

Nope, it's time to visit the awkward and dull crypts! 

This Tyrion/Sansa shit is testing me.

We pop in and out of the crypts at a few points during the battle but basically what's covered is that Sansa tells Tyrion how great he is (AGAIN) and how he was her best husband.
She's only had two husbands and the other one raped her so that's not exactly a high bar, is it?

Tyrion also says "maybe we should've stayed married" and I swear to God my head explodes.

Sansa and Tyrion are still married. They got married.They were never 'not married' since then. Sansa ran away. Littlefinger made her commit bigamy by marrying Ramsey. This line makes no sense. I hate everything.

Oh also, Sansa slags Dany off for no reason and Missandei is rightfully protective over her. I don't know what's going on with the character assassination of Sansa this season but I hate it.

We're then back to the dragons and, from what I can see, Jon is STRUGGLING because Dany spent episode one banging him by a waterfall instead of actually teaching him how to ride a dragon. There's lots of fog, maybe ice wind?, and the chaos has got too much and our Named Characters Gang are too close to possible death for their liking so they fall back while Greyworm and the Unsullied hold the retreat. 

They decide to set the trenches on fire but ermeghherdd nooo they can't because snow and stuff. So, as Greyworm retreats to Winterfell (I didn't hate this - him battling between his duty and his heart), the Unsullied cover Melisandre in a way that was surely prepared in advance despite them not knowing she was going to return (?) as she uses her red priestess magic to light the trenches. She struggles for a while but eventually manages it, of course.

As it is ablaze, the Hound remembers his character is scared of fire so has to walk away for a bit while we head back to the Godswood and Bran remembers his character can warg so he sees through the eyes of some crows/ravens for a bit. What does he see, you ask?

He doesn't use any of the information he gathers to help the battle at all.

The wights figure out a way through the fire and they start to climb the walls and enter Winterfell. Everyone is just smashing it in battle, even one-handed Jaime, who doesn't struggle at all. Then, a giant breaks into Winterfell and Lyanna Mormont decides to take it on (mint idea, mate) and it does not work out too well for her (I didn't hate this bit either tbh; it was the right way for her to go out).

Named Character Death Toll: 2

Things calm down for a bit and the wights now move incredibly slowly because we need to eat up some of those 82 minutes we promised. The slow-moving wights are with Arya in the library and, after some sick water-dancing moves, she manages to escape, just as the wights remember they can run.

Arya leads the fast-moving undead to the Hound and Beric and Beric is way, way, WAY overkilled before they drag his body into what looks like the Great Hall, strewn with bodies, and barricade the door.
Named Character Death Toll: 3
Mel is also in there and she reminds Arya that they've met before and we have our second Randomly Repeated Line From A Previous Season:

There's some stuff with the ice dragon and Jon's dragon - a mid air fight - that I struggle to see but Jon seems to fall off Rheagal and I've no idea if the dragon survived or not [while we're on the subject of Schrödinger's animals: has anyone seen Ghost?]

The Night's King falls and Dany and Drogon arrive to fight Viserion. Jorah hears... something? So turns round and starts running in the opposite direction. Dany burns the Night's King and we're all pretty happy because obviously he'll die now... WAITAMINUTE.

The Night's King is unaffected by fire and walks away. Dany flies off but Jon follows him on foot, until he turns around and he's like - uh oh. The Night's King raises his hands and all the newly dead begin to rise OHMYGODNOWAY.

Back to the crypts that are definitely safe because they said they were at least 15 times last episode. Nothing bad will happen in the crypts because they're so safe.

Quick Q: Remember when they took the wight to King's Landing? It was in a box? It couldn't escape the box until the Hound opened it and it immediately ran out?

Yeah, well, continuity's a bastard.

Now, these wights are being resurrected by the Night's King and can obviously smash their way through the coffins/tombs in the crypt.

People are screaming and Sansa and Tyrion run and hide. 

Sansa silently shows Tyrion Needle and they have an understanding.

He kisses her hand. I think for a minute that they're in the throws of a suicide pact until they both run back into the crypts.

Jon is in the middle of ALL of the undead, slow moving again, fear not, and it looks pretty hopeless. A load of wights with weapons (?) climb Drogon and attack him as Dany just sits on him, doing nothing. He tips her off and flies into the distance with the wights still GOING IN on him. Dany didn't bring any weapons to the fight because she's an idiot and is stood, helpless, in the middle of the wights. DON'T WORRY JORAH IS HERE! No idea where he came from, like, but it was nice of him to show up.

Jon somehow makes it back to Winterfell and leaves Sam and Brienne losing their fights so he can stick to the plan and make it to Bran, who is still warging (WHY? HOW IS THIS HELPING?) as Theon runs out of arrows to fight off the wights.

Okay it all goes in slo-mo now, with some plinky music to tell us how dire the situation is:

• Varys is watching Tyrion in the crypts
• Theon is using the bow now to fight off the undead
• Jorah falls whilst protecting Dany
• Jaime continues to hold off all the freshly undead, even with his one hand
• The Night's King and the White Walkers (remember them? where've they been?) arrive at the godswood
• Bran: Theon. You're a good man. Thank you.
• Theon nods at the NK before running runs towards him
• Bran watches as the NK snaps the weapon and kills him super quick

Named Character Death Toll: 4

• Jon is presumably trying to get to the godswood but is failing miserably
• Jorah is stabbed

The slo-mo is an ETERNITY.

The Night's King looks at Bran. Bran looks at the Night's King:

He slowly reaches for his weapon to kill Bran (which he could've done ten times over).

Then, and I can't stress how ridiculous this is, Arya appears from nowhere to attack the NK.

LOOK AT HER FUCKING FLYING THROUGH THE AIR

Crouching Bran, Hidden Arya tries to stab him, he holds her off until she does the ole switcharoo with the blade Bran gave her (the knife that was used in the attempt to kill him back in Season One!) and shanks the NK real good.

He shatters into pieces and all of the undead fall where they stand.

This rescue comes too late for Jorah, however.

Named Character Death Toll: 5

He dies in Dany's arms and she displays more emotion for him than she did when her dragon (her child) died at the hands of the NK.

loss of child vs loss of creepy stalker

While Emilia acts her socks off, Drogon returns and is fine, completely fine, don't think about it.

Back at Winterfell, Mel walks out with the Hound (how did they survive? how did Arya get out of the Great Hall? is the Hound now a Red Priest? WHAT'S HAPPENING?) She takes her necklace off (lol remember that?) and begins to age. As she walks away from Winterfell, she ages more and more, until she falls to the ground. She just dies.

Named Character Death Toll: 6

That's it.

The end.

What. The. Fuck. Just. Happened.

Final Named Character Death Toll: 6

A few questions:

- Does the Long Night end now the NK is dead? Is Winter over? What was the NK's motivation? How is it just over now?
- Did Bran know everything that was about to happen? If so, why did he let Theon die? What a bastard.

- How did all of our named characters survive? [Think about just how big the undead army is. Six named characters died. SIX. Last week, I was told I was overreacting and the episode was merely closing up all of the character arcs before they all died and to give the writers a break man, they're just giving us some closure before the mass of deaths. And here we are. They're all alive. Everyone's fine.]

- If Jon hadn't have been in this episode, what would have changed? How has he set up this entire battle then just royally fucked everything up for an entire episode?

- Are the last three episodes just going to be about the battle for the throne against Cersei and Euron? Has the story literally been reduced to Dany and Jon = good, Cersei and Euron = bad?

- Why bother showing Ghost if we don't even see him fight? How did he survive if he was on the front line with the Dothraki?

- What was the point of showing Craster sacrificing his children to the NK if the NK wasn't even interested in getting Baby Sam back?

- What was the point of Sam going to Oldtown to gather information when he gave us no extra information to help the battle? What was the point of Bran having all the powers when he didn't help the fight against the NK? What was the point of bringing Jon back to life if he wasn't the one chosen to kill the NK? HOW, after all that, would Arya be the one to kill the NK and save the day? Really? Wolverine? Who can hit people with sticks and swap faces with people? She's not an assassin ffs.

Highlights:

• I saw Ghost once
•   
•   

Lowlights:

• The battle: it was so weirdly fought and they turned up the threat level to 11 at the start with the Dothraki so there was nowhere for them to go. The tactical choices were embarrassingly bad and I can't imagine anyone of the Named Character Gang thinking it was going to work or being willing to fight it in this manner.
• The Night's King
• Named Character Gang surviving due to plot armour and nothing else

Summative Comment:

I honestly don't know if I can do this next week.

Season Eight, Episode Two - A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms

NB: I've also seen several reviews claiming the title of this episode was "The Things We Do For Love" so I genuinely have no idea which is correct. Sorry.

Anyway, hi and welcome to another review of Game of Thrones. Spoiler alert: I didn't enjoy this week's episode. What else is new?
As always my twitter is@noneedtomoan and, if you want to remind yourself what happened in Season Seven, here are my previous rants: E1, E2 , E3, E4, E5, E6 and E7 and last week's episode is here: S8E1.

And, as always, I am salty af after episode two so let's just get cracking.

We open on an apparent trial of Jaime Lannister. Dany is not happy, no ma'am, but Jaime promises he will "fight for the living". Tyrion tries to stick up for his brother but the queen doesn't like that and it appears our catty girls from last week have found some common ground here: both Sansa and Dany do not trust Jaime.

The reaction Bran expected

Then, because the girls are being a bit boring, we get an epic mic drop moment:

Jaime: Everything I did, I did for my house and for my family and I'll do it again.
Bran: The things we do for love.

....Except nothing happens. Jaime registers it. And the conversation moves on. What a waste of a S1 callback, eh Bran?

Then, because Jaime cannot speak for himself, Brienne gets involved and sticks up for him. This moves Sansa to change sides to once again oppose Dany (gasp no way said no one) then Dany leaves the decision to Jon for some reason and he sides with Sansa. Then I think we're meant to feel tension and Dany is mad at Jon and Tyrion. She tells Tyrion she will find another hand if she can't trust him and I think we're meant to feel sorry for him but honestly idc.

Meanwhile, outside, where Arya is taking no interest in the trial of one of the men responsible for killing her father (seriously what is she doing while all this is going on? Does she just wander around WF being creepy?) and instead is flirting with Gendry about the White Walkers and the weapon he should be making for her and how she 'knows death', which she proves by being a mean shot with dragonglass.

Cut to Bran, who is back outside where he belongs and chatting with Jaime about pushing him out of the window. He's cool with it because it made him the Three Eyed Raven and I can't even tell if Jaime and others accept this at this point. They all just kind of stare at him until he shuts up again. Then leave him outside in his chair.

By this part of the episode, I'm not going to lie, I expected a lot more:

But, seriously, no one is bothered at all. It's weird how all eight seasons have been building up to this moment and now it's just like, HEY, SLOW DOWN, let's have a chat about our feelings and shit.

One-handed Jaime did ok in Dorne

Anyway, next on the list for the catch-up-on-our-emotions-about-each-other chat are Jaime and Tyrion, who talk about Cersei (who IS pregnant guys, stop thinking she's lying) and the fact that Tyrion can make mistakes (gasp no way said no one ever).

They then look out from the top of Winterfell and see Brienne training Pod. Jaime goes down to see her and he asks to be under her command of the left flank, despite not being as good of a fighter as he used to be back when he had two hands and she accepts his offer.

Shocking news: WE HAVE MORE UNNECESSARY CONVERSATIONS TO AVOID THE BATTLE THIS EPISODE

Jorah is bitching to Dany about not being hand for some reason and says Tyrion should be forgiven for... Being annoying and speaking up for everyone at every opportunity despite never being asked to? Being a terrible hand? Believing Cersei? One of them.

Sansa and Dany have a chat to put those non-existent problems behind them and be gal pals instead. They both talk about how great Tyrion is for a while.

Saint Tyrion chats make me mad

Then, once they're over how wonderful and smart and great Tyrion is, Sansa says they have Jon in common but "men tend to do stupid things for love" but Dany argues it is she who is being taken advantage of here: she is only in Winterfell because she loves Jon.

The ONLY reason Dany is fighting the war against the undead is Jon, apparently. Let's break that down.

She doesn't care that the White Walkers are through the Wall? Even though she went to Cersei to ask her to put aside the arguments over the throne to focus on saving the world? She's now forgotten this and is all about the throne again?

This is what I was talking about last week: the show has forgotten that the main battle is meant to be ice vs fire, dead vs living. 

Sorry - book talk for a hot minute: The series of books is called A Song of Ice and Fire but the TV show has focused on the first book's title alone, A Game of Thrones. Back in book one, the only thing anyone cared about was who was on the Iron Throne. Fair. We didn't know about the army of the undead. But now, now we are beyond the books and the UNDEAD ARE BEYOND THE WALL. Does the king/queen matter? Who wants to rule over a kingdom full of undead White Walkers? That's meaningless.

Take the books out of it: all these super scary undead zombies are here and they will kill everyone. Why would who is king or queen matter? What sort of tyrant is Dany if this is all she cares about? Are we meant to start hating her now? Or are we meant to be rooting for her to get that crown, biatch. You get what's owed to you hun.

Is Dany bothered by this? Lol nope.

But, okay, let's pretend I can put all of this aside for a second.

Let's just think about Dany. Daenerys Targaryen: what's the most important thing in her life? Besides Jon. Besides the throne.

Her three dragons were always referred to as her children. One of them was murdered last season by the Night's King.

You genuinely expect me to believe that Dany doesn't care that the Night's King killed one of her CHILDREN? She doesn't even want vengeance for that? Nope.

In her own words, she's ONLY in Winterfell, fighting the war of the living vs the dead, because she loves Jon. He's the only thing that convinced her to be there.

In summary: I call BULLSHIT.

Whatever.

The conversation continues in a light hearted girls-having-some-girl-banter manner until Sansa asks what will happen to the North after the war against the undead is won. Dany says she will take the Iron Throne and they are back to being FROSTY with one another once Sansa reveals that the North does not want to relinquish their title as they've lost it before and are not willing to lose it again.

#awks

Theon arrives and is... best friends with Sansa now? Idk I don't feel much about this tbh.

Because of Jeyne Poole in the books, I feel like this is all bullshit anyway so I kind of zone out of Theon scenes.

There's some weird scene with Gilly telling women and children to head to the crypts for saftey and Davos showing us all that he was always the good guy with Shireen and he wants to look after the little ones.

Edd, Tormund and co. show up.

They 'had to go around' the Army of the Undead.

AROUND THEM

ALL THIS LOT

JUST NIPPED AROUND THEM

I despair.

Right, next, we're all having a little chat about the Night's King and what he wants, which Bran is convinced is him (he's so self-involved this guy). Bran comes up with a plan for him to, shock horror, wait outside in the godswood and lure the Night's King to him.

Missandei and Grey Worm agree to go to Naath after all this funny war business is over.

Ghost blink twice if you're being held against your will

Next, we head up to see Jon and Sam talking about the revelation from last week with Ghost just chillin in the background.

Sigh. The fact that Ghost is just stuck in behind them with no comment is an absolute joke. We've had no reunion moment, so they obviously want us to believe he's been here the entire time, just out of shot. Ghost was a huge part of Jon's resurrection and crucial to his story. He's the only direwolf left with its original Stark (Nymeria is off with a new pack somewhere and the others are all dead) and it's a VERY big deal that Jon still has him. The way they've written him out of the show is infuriating, especially as we all know it's just so that the dragons can have more airtime. That How To Train Your Dragon sequence from last week? That CGI was deemed more important than Ghost.

Whatever. Jon tells Sam he can't tell Dany he's the true heir yet. He then tells him to go down to the crypts to be safe and Sam reminds Jon and Edd how brave he's been and he doesn't need to hide. Then they all think about the Night's Watch together and we can't help but wonder why Jon and Sam haven't been punished for abandoning their posts.

Hey remember when Bran said this last episode? Seemed like we were in a real rush, didn't it?
But nope. We're just going to have some fun first.

Jaime, Tyrion, Brienne, Pod, Davos and Tormund all have a drink and talk about life and giants and fun times and how they're probably going to die.
Arya and Sandor share some wine and have a chat that comes to nothing really (I miss Sansa and Sandor) oh and Beric is there too.

Winterfell rn

Okay now it's the big Arya scene. She has sex with Gendry because she wants to feel what it's like before she dies.

Now, full disclosure: I'd seen this coming a mile off because HBO UK very thoughtfully got out ahead of it and told us in no uncertain terms on Twitter that Arya was 18 (see below).

So... Arya is 18. 
Let's consider this with the following facts:
- Arya was 11 in Season One
- Baby Sam (now a toddler) was born in Season Three
- Cersei's hair was cut at the end of Season Five and it still hasn't grown back
- Winter was so bad in Season Five that Stannis and his army were stuck in the snow outside Winterfell and were forced to slaughter their horses to have food to eat

With these things in mind, has enough time passed to accept that Arya is 18? No. The answer is undoubtedly no.

Does this matter?  Probably not.

But just remember that Dany's wedding night with Drogo was adapted to make it non-consensual as Dany was underage (in the books, it can be read as 'consensual' sex, but still a grey area due to the fact that Dany was a child at the time so how much 'consent' can be given?) 

Consider why the producers felt it necessary to REALLY highlight that Arya was 18, so that she can enjoy this moment with Gendry as consensual. Fine. Cool.

 Except that timelines don't work that way. You don't get to just change the age of someone so you can see them having sex-

Never mind.

Basically, if you're going to not give a fuck about timelines and are just going to jump forward, as @HNHughson so greatly put it on Twitter, I can accept it "if it affects everyone in Westeros equally, not just the young girls [and boys] they're writing sex scenes for".

Also I'm mildly upset that Arya is getting to have consensual sex rn and Sansa has been through everything she's been through and is now forced to hang out with Theon just because they want to punish her for being 'catty' (aka right to worry about food supplies) and celebrate Arya for being 'badass' (aka inexplicably surviving impossible situations and wearing faces ok cool).
Gutted for her.

Meanwhile, back by the wine and fire, the gang's still getting lit.
Tyrion is so clever and remembers what irony is: they've all fought against the Starks before and now, here they all are, protecting the Seven Kingdoms just Winterfell apparently for them.
Brienne says at least they'll die with honour and Jaime knights her. This scene is sweet and I get that but I honestly can't appreciate it rn. There should be so much more HAPPENING in this episode. There are only FOUR left now. What happened to those 'feature-length' episodes we were promised?

Sigh.

Back outside, Jorah tells Lyanna Sassypants to go down to the crypts but she wants to fight and Sam gives Jorah Heartsbane because apparently he's changed his mind about the crypts now and isn't brave Sam who was the first man to kill a wight and defeated a Thenn. Jorah is very touched and happily accepts this Valyrian steel sword unlike his own father's Valyrian steel sword that Jon tried to give him last season and he refused to take (Lyanna should definitely have the Mormont family sword and not Jon, just saying).

And, nearly there, don't worry, we have a musical montage as Pod sings Jenny's Song and they show some clips over the top of it.

Okay: Jenny's Song. This is a whole load of book stuff now but, just remember, I didn't start it - the show did.
This references a song featured in an Arya chapter of A Storm of Swords. The book never actually reveals any of the lyrics but it does feature a whole load of prophecy and references to a character called Jenny of Oldstones. Now, I, as we have established, am a die hard bookfan. It took me a hot minute to get the reference and, even then, I wasn't hyped about it...

Of all the book things to focus on, why Jenny's song? Yes it has links to prophecies and Targaryen secrets but... Why?
Don't pander to the book nerd in me, Cogman. And if you're going to, make it Ghost or Lady Stoneheart, k?

Anyway, we see Grey Worm and Missandei say goodbye, Sansa and Theon just hangin' out eating soup, Sam, Gilly and Baby Toddler Sam down in the crypts and Arya looking completely emotionless as Gendry has a post-coital nap over the top of the song.

Then, finally, Jon decides the time is right, just before they go to the battle of their lives, to tell Dany.
He is stood in front of Lyanna's statue as he explains and Dany is majorly peeved that he's the true heir to the throne. She's not mithered in the SLIGHTEST that she's shagged her nephew but hey, Targaryens right?
Before they can chat anymore about their lovely incest, they hear a horn sound and head out to the battlements, where Tyrion is stood (wasn't he sent to the crypts, wtf Tyrion?)
Jon and Dany run off to go battle and dragons and fire and ice and shit and we are left with the most important character of all, Tyrion. We zoom out from his shocked face to see....

*squints*

Okay so I think it's safe to say the White Walkers have arrived.... a little while away from Winterfell just yet. No Night's King by the looks of it, just like Bran said. Presumably he was away having a nap with his dragon and the giants and mammoths and that and they were just going to catch them up later because they're a bit faster.

Right. It's over.

Another tricky one today as I feel like we zoomed all over Winterfell and saw lots of different conversations but nothing actually happened to move the story forwards.

I've had a tiff or two with some showfans on Twitter and essentially their argument as to why episode two was good is that it was tying up everyone's storyarchs before the big battle kills a load of them. Erm. No. That was never the point of Game of Thrones as a show, was it? Weren't some of the best seasons the ones where you didn't know who was going to die? Didn't you used to live for those moments that a character was about to rightfully get justice and BOOM DEAD lolz.

I hate that Game of Thrones has become a fanservice soap opera and that they care more about arming their favourites with as much plot armour as possible than actually moving the story along.

Honestly: think for a second.

If episode two had never happened, what difference would it make to the story?

Exactly.

Nothing is happening.

Highlights

• Brienne being knighted? I guess it was cute.
• That bit when I saw Ghost for a sec

Lowlights

• The fact that nothing actually happened and this was just a filler episode until we get to the battle

Summative comment:

Seriously, this battle next week better be worth it.

I sense not, though.

Season Eight, Episode One - Winterfell

Hi. If you're new here, I used to love Game of Thrones until Season Five, when it suddenly became ridiculous: less about logical plotlines and character development and more about attempting to shock the audience while sadly remaining horrendously predictable.
Anyway, now I have a system to get me through: I livetweet each new episode as it airs internationally at 01:45 GMT (@noneedtomoan) and then try to get a full review out the same night (if you want to remind yourself what happened in Season Seven, here are my previous rants: E1, E2 , E3, E4, E5, E6 and E7).

NB: I have admittedly read the entire A Song of Ice and Fire series of books and, obviously, prefer them to the show. However, this blog and my feelings about GoT stem more from the poor quality of the TV show - it is not about comparing it to the books (but, occasionally, I will get really angry and mention them, soz).

So. It's finally here. This is the last ever season of Game of Thrones.

The credits roll and oooh they're new, how exciting. They actually make a point of showing the ice (e.g. the army of the undead) making its way over the Wall, which is a nice change.
All of the promo for Season Eight has been 'for the throne' - focusing on who will be sitting in the Iron Throne by the end. Arguably, the main story of the show and books is the fight between the living and the dead and how, in the grand scheme of things, who rules over the Seven Kingdoms doesn't matter.
The dead don't care who the King or Queen is - they don't adhere to society's rules and this is, kind of, THE WHOLE POINT.
The people in charge are so obsessed with staying in charge that they will forget the most important battle and lose their lives over what is essentially a chair.This rant about the opening credits bodes well, doesn't it?
Moving on!

We follow a small boy, later revealed to be an Umber, pushing through a crowd to see the royal party arrive at Winterfell because who doesn't love a pointless callback to Season One? He runs past Arya, who smirks at him because this is her only face apparently. Jon and Dany are marching through to Winterfell in striking black and white outfits because it's winter but it's not cold enough for hats/ear protection etc. The Hound and Gendry are with them too, as are Tyrion and Varys who share some needless eunuch bants before we see the dragons flying overhead and we FINALLY get some reaction shots from general citizens, which I've been wanting for a while.

Jon et al arrive at Winterfell and we all get ourselves ready for him to have himself some emotional Stark reunions, starting with Bran-

Oh but Bran is an unfeeling robot so that's kind of one-sided. Cute, though.

Jon has a nice hug with Sansa, who is all smiles until she speaks to Dany. It is then implied that these two do NOT like each other because you know how women get, right?

Exposition Bran then interrupts to tell them "We don't have time for this". I mean, he's not wrong. 

We only have six episodes this season! Let's get cracking! And get cracking he does! 

He tells Dany the Night's King has her dragon and his army has breached the Wall. The Dead are marching South.
I feel like this isn't made into a big enough deal. THE DEAD ARE COMING AND THEY HAVE A DRAGON.
Everyone kind of just accepts this information and we move on very quickly. Strange reaction to the undead's arrival being imminent if we're honest, especially considering you were so concerned that you went to bloody Cersei for help last season.
How can you not care anymore?

Anyway, we go indoors and the Northern Lords all hate Jon now because he's renounced his title of King of the North and has bent the knee to Queen Dany. The Umber kid from earlier is sent to go get the rest of his family. Tyrion gets up and speaks for Jon for some reason. WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO HEAR FROM TYRION? In the bigger picture, he's basically a nobody. Why would we want to hear from him? Sansa? Even Dany. Not Tyrion ffs.

It's very early in the episode to already feel like this.

Also, while I'm angry, I think one of my least favourite things about this episode is how Sansa is presented. She has a lot of good questions, such as how are they going to feed all of these extra people? How much do dragons eat? (It turns out, a lot) Sansa says she hasn't taken dragons and everyone else into account when preparing the stores for winter, which has been coming for eight seasons now. This is accepted with eye rolls and almost makes her seem bitchy and catty towards Dany for even asking this. Frustrating.

Speaking of frustrating, Tyrion and Sansa are then reunited. One of the articles I read was like 'I presume they're still married'. Erm. YEAH, because they were always married, even when Sansa was REmarried off to Ramsay. Anyway, Tyrion reminds us all how great he is and Sansa has more good ideas that are presented as catty, like the fact that Cersei is obviously lying to Tyrion and he should realise this (duh).

At this point, I'd just like to say how little it feels is actually happening in this episode. It is SLOWWWW.

Exhibit A: Bran is still sat in the courtyard at Winterfell waiting for an opening to talk to Jon about this big news he MUST know, despite there being NO TIME. I thought we were in a rush, Bran mate?

Anyway, Arya finally reunites with Jon and it's... I mean, it's sweet. I can't hate all of this.

There are two bits I definitely do not enjoy, however:

1.
Jon slagging Sansa off and Arya standing up for her, despite threatening to kill her last season.

2.
Arya: How did you survive a knife to the heart?
Jon: I didn't.
Arya: *has no more questions because resurrection is an accepted thing lol*

[Why does no one care about Jon resurrecting? Surely this is a big deal? They know he has because no one is punishing him for abandoning the Night's Watch, because that was his former self, but no one is reacting to it AT ALL. ARGH.]

We then fly off to our second and only other location for this episode - King's Landing.

Cersei is watching the Iron fleet return with the Golden Company because what is time anymore? [How is this crew back but the army of the undead still not at Winterfell yet?] On the boat, Euron is tormenting Yara, who wants to die and, I mean I feel you babe. He then goes to see Cersei, who is VERY upset at the lack of elephants with the Golden Company, and basically demands sex. Cersei says no but then... yeah, they have sex, despite the phrase "You want a whore, buy one. You want a queen, earn her".

Then it's over to Qyburn, who has such an important task for Bronn that he must interrupt him having sex with three women. [Well, Cersei has a job for him but she can't tell him herself because of Lena and Jerome's contracts clearly stating they cannot be in any scenes together since their horrendous break up.] 

Anyway, the job is that Bronn must kill Tyrion and Jaime with a crossbow if they survive their adventure in the North.

Cersei. You know I like you. I love the short hair and that you've kept it short even though it must have grown so much since it was shaved off.
Listen to me though: you need to be a little less erratic in your actions. You literally had both brothers right in front of you last season.
You had the chance to kill them. Tyrion even ASKED you to kill him. You let them both leave.
Now, what is this shit?
WHAT IS THIS?

Thanks to plot armour, Theon and his band of merry Iron men have managed to kill a few members of the Golden Company [a sellsword company comprising of men hired to fight] quickly and quietly and get Yara out. On their own boat afterwards, Yara gives Theon her permission to go back to Winterfell while she will go back to the Iron Islands and conveniently disappear from the plot altogether.

Back to Winterfell and Davos suggests Dany and Jon get married, which is such an obvious solution I could scream.
Speaking of screaming, Kit and Emilia try to be a couple for a bit but the whole lack-of-chemistry thing is really catching up to them and it's pretty painful. The dragons are sad so Dany's like 'hey, hop on'. Pretty unemotional for what is a big bloody deal. Jon riding her final remaining dragon... It means something. I wanted more than this How To Train Your Dragon scene with yet more clumsy callbacks to previous seasons, when he was with Ygritte in the waterfall and they talked about never going back.

[This scene only leaves me with more questions: Why is no one heading to the Wall? What's the plan for fighting the army of the dead, anyone know? Or is this episode just attempts at chemistry between Dany and Jon before Bran rips it away? How is it cold in the North when you can't even see your own breath there?]

Then Gendry is making dragonglass [is that new? Did I miss that they can make dragonglass and the explanation as to how?] and Arya... flirts with him?

Dany goes to find Sam, who presumably hasn't seen Jon yet, to thank him for saving Jorah from greyscale through the ancient forgotten technique of... cutting off the greyscale. Sam says she can repay him with a pardon for stealing Citadel books and his dad's sword

[not for abandoning the Night's Watch. I mean, everyone's doing it nowadays hehe]

Anyway, she says sorry but she killed his dad (who he hated) and Sam's like 'well at least I have my brother, eh?' and Dany's like

Sam is upset, which I suppose is a natural reaction to losing the abusive father who threatened to kill you unless you joined the Night's Watch and the little brother who hated you. I'd get a conflict between sad and angry and relieved but nope, Sam is just SAD.

Meanwhile, back out in the courtyard (still), Bran tells Sam to tell Jon about the whole he's not who he thinks he is thing because he's waiting for a mate. This is fine, but it now means it comes across as Sam telling Jon that he's the true heir because he's mad at Dany for killing his dad and brother. Much like the dragons scene, I'd always pictured this moment as much more powerful. Jon discovering his true identity. Not Sam getting in a few digs at Dany.

Ah well.

Jon like

Sam heads down to the crypts and tells Jon he is actually Aegon [lol nope sorry] and he's the rightful heir to the throne.
So Jon doesn't get it, saying he always thought of Ned as honourable. Erm, Jon? This was an honourable thing to do?
Also, it feels a bit like Sam glosses over the whole being-related-to-Dany thing and I'm not entirely convinced he gets that bit so that'll be a fun revelation.

Then it's the next scene - I don't know where this is.

Honestly, it's so dark at this point that all I can see is my own confused face in the black TV screen. I can hear bits and pieces but see NOTHING until Beric's sword lights up the screen. Edd sees Tormund and tells the men behind him "Stay back he's got blue eyes" and it was the first line in about four seasons that's made me laugh out loud.

Eventually, you see that the Umber boy is attached to the wall, with a load of... meat? Human flesh? Anyway, it's around him in a spiral. There's a jump scare and he comes back to life, screeching before Beric sets him alight.

Few points from this bit:

• Tormund and Beric survived the Wall collapsing
• Beric can still light his sword with Thoros of Myr dead
• We haven't seen the army of the undead since last season
• The Night's King enjoys leaving weird sigils for people to find like a Criminal Minds serial killer

Final scene follows a hooded mysterious horserider, which turns out to be Jaime. He gets off his horse and sees Bran in his chair [presumably frozen, he's been out there for AGES] and they just stare at each other. It is essentially this scene:

Phew. It's over.

That was a weirdly jam packed episode where nothing actually happened.

Highlights:

• Arya and Jon reuniting
• Edd's blue eyes comment

Lowlights:

• The lack of reaction about the army of the dead passing through the Wall
• WHERE IS GHOST
• The presentation of Sansa as a catty girl rather than the most informed person on the show
• Night's King leaving coded messages 

Summative comment:

Head on over to my twitter (@noneedtomoan) for daily updates but I'll be back same time next week. I haven't seen the trailer yet but safe to say I don't have high hopes. This week's episode annoyed me with its sheer inoffensiveness - there's so much to get through in only five more episodes and they're wasting SO much time. Get a jog on, guys!

xo