Season Six, Episode Ten

OMG GUYS! WE MADE IT!  It's episode ten.  That means it's over for another year.  I am both physically and emotionally exhausted.  This season has been draining; it is SUCH hard work to be this constantly angry.
So this is my last episode review.
I am thinking of doing some more analytical posts about individual elements I struggled with with Game of Thrones Season Six but, to be totally honest, there are so many others out there who do that better than me already that I don't know if you need my ranting in there too.  But... We shall see.
Anyway, once you've made sure you're all caught up on my previous episode reviews (E1, E2, E3, E4, E5,
 E6, E7, E8 & E9), go right ahead and have a read of my final review of season six.  Let's end this thing.

We open in Kings' Landing with some emotional music and a very strange montage of all of the important characters.  It's actually a montage of them getting ready for the trial of the century and not a bunch of teenagers preparing for a busy day in high school in the 80s (I do LOVE a montage).  It's hard to see because the lighting, as always, is non-existent but I'm pretty sure I spot Loras' lovely head of curly hair.  Exciting.  When was the last time we saw him?

Cersei decides to dress like a steam punk in mourning, which is a bold look, and Pycelle is still sleeping with prostitutes because this is all hilarious.  A child whispers to Pycelle.  The High Sparrow puts his sack on over his head on the morning and doesn't step into it.  All our important questions are being answered.
Legitimately though, weird dress aside, it's all fairly dull and I think the general idea is that we're meant to be tense (this is what the music is implying to me anyway) but I don't actually care about any of these characters and the trial hasn't really been set up in any way shape or form so I'm just left feeling... bored, to be completely honest.  That dress, though... Wowzers.
Anyway, we finally arrive at the sept and it turns out that Loras had a haircut that wasn't actually shown in the montage because it was too interesting.  He confesses and says there's no need for a trial and we all wonder why we've waited an entire season for one then.
Has Loras just been sat in his cell, thinking that he's better off waiting for the trial for the big 'reveal' of his confession?  When Margaery and Cersei confessed, they were released.  What is going on with Loras here?
Whatever.
He confesses to 'crimes' (even though it's a religious trial so they're probably just 'sins', aren't they?) such as purgery (like Marg!), laying with men and arrogance...  This trial is really unnecessary, isn't it?
The High Sparrow feels like he hasn't had any attention for a while so does a full on monologue for a bit until Loras finally says that his only wish is to now devote his life to the seven.  Oh, and he also wants to abandon the Tyrell name, never marrying or having kids, which was definitely going to happen.

Fun Book Fact #1: Loras is not the last remaining Tyrell heir.  He's not even an heir any more as he is a member of the Kingsguard.  There are two other Tyrell boys who can continue the Tyrell name.  #themoreyouknow

The High Sparrow makes sure that Loras knows that he's joining an extremist group and Loras is like ye no probs gramps I got this and then he gets a seven pointed star carved into his head.

Meanwhile, in the Red Keep, Tommen is ready to go to his mum's trial (arriving fashionably late and missing his brother in law's trial, like any good King) but hey what's this?  Ser Robert Strong I mean The Mountain Ser Gregor Clegane is blocking his way omgggg.
Oh, wait, we're back in the sept again (all this rushing around is making me dizzy) and everyone's wondering where Cersei is because it's her trial but she's not there, which is weird.  Then, for some unknown reason, Lancel is suspicious of a small child and follows him down under the city.  We're not sure why.
ALSO UNDERGROUND (#smoothsegues), Pycelle has been led to Qyburn by his whispering little bird. Qyburn has his turn at a little bit of a monologue and says, "before we can usher in the new, the old must be put to rest".  Right.  Qyburn.  Who are you talking about here?  Cersei?  Cersei is the new?  And that dead man you brought back to life?  He's NEW?
I'm so confused.

Fun Book Fact #2: There is a scene between Varys and Kevan in the books that has some similar dialogue.  Imagine that it hasn't been put in a blender and makes sense, both logically and in terms of plot.  That's the actual scene. #themoreyouknow

Whatever.  The little birds all stab Pycelle to death, really unnecessarily if we're honest.  Are they still doing these jobs for figs?  Because it's one thing to listen for gossip and find stored wildfire; it's quite another to straight up murder a man.
Yeah and then Lancel gets stabbed too but manages to drag himself around until he finds an entire stack of wildfire, which we can't believe is there despite the hugely obvious foreshadowing over the past few episodes.

Basically

He drags his body around (lol Arya got stabbed more than this and could do parkour, get it together Lancel) to... get a better view of the wildfire?
Upstairs, in the sept, people are beginning to notice that the King still hasn't arrived, neither has Cersei and also Lancel just walked out to follow a kid.
Margaery knows something is up because of Margaery reasons and she wants to get Loras out but the High Sparrow forces them to stay.  We're not sure why.  Cersei's trial doesn't start without her, like he says it will, and instead they all just stand around, panicking.  About what?  NO ONE KNOWS
And then... there's a rumbling sound and the High Sparrow finally clicks that something is wrong and then, suddenly:

(Source)

Cersei has a glass of wine and a smirk because she's just solved all her problems:

• High Sparrow and Faith Militant - dead
• Annoying Tyrells (Marg, Loras, Mace) - all dead
• Religion and therefore her trial - gone forever
• Crazy lethal uncrontrollable wildfire buried underneath the city - used safely to blow up one building in a controlled manner
• Pycelle - brutally stabbed

A few questions (obviously) about what happens next...

Cersei tortures Septa Unella as revenge for her part in Cersei's Season Five torture.  

Right.  Septa was doing what the High Sparrow told her to do.  The High Sparrow died a quick death.  You're torturing this Septa instead?  Also, I'm assuming that Gregor raped her, because that's kind of his niche, isn't it?  So you punish her horrifically.  But the man who caused it gets away with instant death?

Qyburn gets the little birds to stab Pycelle

Why?  He was on his way to the sept anyway.  He was going to die.  Why is it important to bring him down there and stab him like that?  What had he done?  Also, is it not dangerous to be down there right now?  There's hella lotta wildfire.

Cersei openly says she like fucking her brother
Fun Book Fact #3: Jaime begins to move on from Cersei as part of his character development and his search for redemption.  He separates himself from her as much as he can - cuts off his hair and grows a beard so as not to look anything like her.  He doesn't go and help her when she needs him most.  They are drifting further and further apart.  There is very little chance they will end up together. #themoreyouknow
I'm aware there's no one else there but... This is happening more and more.  Her and Jaime are telling anyone who will listen that they have a relationship.  Does this mean they're going to have a relationship now?  They're totally still in love.  Will Westeros be forced to accept an incestuous relationship?

Cersei's lack of care for her son is confusing
Fun Book Fact #4: Okay here's the thing: Cersei LIVES for her children.  It's creepy.  She's obsessed with them being okay and not getting hurt and, the more her children are in danger, the more frantic she should be getting about him being safe.  The prophecy said that her children would all die and then the 'valonqar' (that means 'brother', btw) will kill her.  She's so terrified of this prophecy; it haunts her. #themoreyouknow
So, she's just caused this crazy explosion and killed everyone in order to protect herself and her son from the evil people... And celebrates by not going to see Tommen AT ALL, instead using her time for petty, stupid and aggressively violent revenge.
Why is Cersei doing this?  What is her motivation?

And then, whilst Cersei is monologuing to a Septa...

#worstdeathever

Cersei- YOU JUST KILLED YOUR SON

All the Tyrells are dead, yay!
Erm, except they have the largest army in all of Westeros.  They weren't all in there.  So that means Olenna and the army are out and about, fuming at Cersei.
1) What's stopping the army from marching on a weakened Kings' Landing, with no Lannister soldiers there (they're all at Riverrun) and taking the throne by force?  Bloody Olenna could sit on it for I care.  Would they not even want revenge, even if they have no one to put on the throne themselves?
2) The Reach grows all the food and exports it across Westeros.  Winter is here.  Cut off their food source.  No?

Cersei, your plan's a pile o shit m8

Meanwhile, back at Riverrun, Walder Frey is monologuing about being great and the Lannisters are great and everything is great and Jaime is setting Bronn up with girls because chicks before actual storylines, amiright?
At one point, Walder genuinely says, "the famous Blackfish, killed by foot soldiers, eh?" and we all want to die because we're feeling the same as him (shock, disbelief, THATWASSTUPID) and empathising with a Frey is a terrifying notion.
He continues to monologue until Jaime's like, 'Wah shut up Freys are shit' #probablyparaphrasing
And that's Riverrun!

Back to Kings' Landing and Bad Mum Cersei.
She's looking at Tommen's body with Qyburn and this scene really bothers me.

She's emotionless.
Now, I know Lena Headey can act so it's a scripting/charcter issue I think because Cersei should be FLIPPING OUT.
Not only are all her precious babies gone but... She's next!  The prophecy is coming true and so she's the next one to die.  There should be lots of panic.  There should be a million soldiers following her everywhere, involuntary sobbing and drinking excessively.

She does none of these things.
They have a chat about what to do with the body because there is no sept for a funeral.  They decide on burning it and scattering his ashes on the site where the sept was, which I'm sure is super pretty and peaceful round about now, probably mere hours after you've just exploded it. :)

And then, because all that excitement was probably too much for you, let's go have a look at Sam and Gilly.

(Spoiler Alert: they're still the worst and baby is still a FUCKING BABY.)
They see all the white ravens leaving the Citadel, but don't really mention that it means winter is here.  We'll save that line for someone good, shall we?  There are a few minutes of boring, sticom-esque, painfully un-funny dialogue that is meant to be funny before Sam is allowed into the library.
Admittedly, I loved the library scene.
You must know how painful it is for me to come clean about enjoying any scene in Game of Thrones but I couldn't help it here.  It was gloriously cinematic (normally they can only do battle/gory scenes this visually stunning) and quiet and peaceful and... just really well done.  Now, I'm biased anyway because I have a bit of a thing for libraries and books and bookshops and *cough* READ THE BOOKS *cough* but even a book nerd like me can't help but think that it did not belong in episode ten.
Could Sam and Gilly not have just come straight here, rather than going to his dad's and getting chucked out and stealing the sword?  What was the point of all that?  What is this scene adding to the finale?
Omg, it's so pretty but... That's it.
That's all that happens before...

We see a white raven flying over what is definitely heavy snow-covered ground.  #lolwinterisfast

We're obviously at Winterfell!  We join Jon and Melisandre having a lovely little chat about being a bastard when they are rudely interrupted by Davos, who has remembered that he once knew a little princess called Shireen.

Back story:
Shireen taught Davos how to read when he was imprisoned.  They were closer than she was to her own parents, who basically hated her.  She was his best friend (bit far, but you get my point).  He had to leave her with Stannis, Selyse and Mel in Season Five, so he gave her a wooden stag for some reason.  At the end of Season Five, Melisandre returned to Castle Black (on the fastest horse ever), without Stannis or Shireen.  Davos asked about them but she simply shook her head and looked away.  No more words were spoken.  
At the start of season six, he got distracted from thinking about his King and BFF by working with Mel (who was responsible for the death of his son, btw and who he tried to murder in season three #neverforget) to resurrect Jon and only asked after a few episodes what happened to Shireen.  Convenient Brienne butted in and was like 'I KILLED STANNIS', which apparently answered Davos' query because he, once again, put it to bed.  
However, last episode, Davos literally stumbled upon Shireen's pyre and found the fireproof stag he gave her and this reminded him that hey Shireen was a person and she was missing and I wonder what happened and that's where we're upto okay?

So back in episode ten, Davos throws the stag at Mel and, quite honestly, acts the SHIT out of this scene.  Take a bow, Liam Cunningham because you were incredible.

Not from this episode but dem eyes <3

He tells Mel to tell Jon what she did and it all comes out -- yeah, she did kind of burn her at the stake...
Davos asks why, which is what we were all asking at the time tbf, and basically I can't believe this but Mel and him both blame Stannis.  I'm fairly certain they call him evil at one point, too.
Davos.  The man loyal to Stannis to a FAULT.  The man who knows it is the red woman and his wife who have poisoned his King's mind to the ways of the Lord of the Light.  he calls Stannis evil.
These writers seem to do everything they can to shit all over the memory of Stannis and it's horrific.  Sigh.
Anyway, Davos wants her dead and her argument to Jon, and it's a pretty good one, is that he's seen the Night's King (and apparently told all the characters about him because now everyone knows he's called the Night's King somehow) and he knows what they can do and he needs her.  This is kind of true.  She can resurrect people from the dead.  That could come in handy in any war, especially one AGAINST THE DEAD.
But nah, Jon decides that she can live because she has powers or something but she has to go do it in the South and, if he sees her in the North, he'll straight up kill a bitch, got it?
Mel rides off, but not before Davos gets a few threats in too.  #forShireen

Then, Sudden Sansa is Sudden and the writers do all they can to make people believe that these two might one day get together.

Jon is not a Stark but HE IS TO SANSA.  Sansa apologises for, you know, sacrificing Rickon and hundreds of wildlings for no good reason other than to keep a secret and smirk a bit at Jon whilst he's nearly dying in battle.  Jon's totally cool with this and is just like HEY.  Let's trust each other, yeah?  #logic

Oh also Sansa says, "Only a fool would trust Littlefinger" (because apparently Ned's memory needs to be ruined a little bit more) and "Winter is here" (followed by a Ned joke).  #StarkSnowbanter

And then, because I'm not angry enough, it's time for Dorne.  Deep breaths, guys.
Olenna is there, at the behest of the Sand Snakes, one of whom she calls Barbara.  Now, let's be honest, Olenna's sassiness is brilliantly delivered but is wearing thin quickly.  It must have been a while since the wildfire incident, because Olenna knows all about it and apparently the Lannisters have declared war against the Tyrells and the Dornish (ok I get the Tyrells, but when did Cersei declare war against the Dornish?  I thought all was peaceful in Dorne?)  Then, SUDDEN VARYS.  He appears and tells them that he's on their side and genuinely gets to say 'fire and blood'.
And now Dany's team has more sassy women.

SPEAKING OF DANY, LET'S GO TO MEREEN #smoothsegues

Stand back, Jorah. Daario = FriendZone King

Her fleet is ready to go, according to Daario, and he can't wait to see how the Dothraki cope, you know with them hating the ocean and that lolz.  Dany breaks some news to him, though -- he's not coming with her.
He explains that he's not bothered about her needing to remarry and just loves her and wants to be with her (all this emotion actually makes me feel a bit ill).  She's having none of it though and demands that Daario (the sellsword) runs Mereen for her instead.
Seems legit.
Daario is not happy and suspects Tyrion is responsible for doing this, which doesn't make any sense until Dany goes to see Tyrion to thank him for the advice and tell him that she did it.  Why does Dany just do whatever Tyrion says?  Do the writers not realise that's not what an ADVISOR is?
Why does Tyrion not want her to have a lover?  It's not exactly like you and Shae, Tyrion!  She's taking Westeros by FORCE, who's going to care about the guy she's sleeping with?  This is a weirdly specific thing to write into this episode and, although I'm not sure what it means, I don't like it.
Oh, there's another boring scene between Dany and Tyrion and she makes him cry by giving him a Hand's badge.  Yawn.

Fun Book Fact #5: Tyrion is obsessed with dragons.  Always has been.  In fact, it's one of the things that people use to prove that he is part Targaryen (not proven).  He dreams about riding them and they are always on his mind somewhat.
When was the last time Tyrion even acknowledged the dragons?  Discussed them?  Tried to nab a ride on one?  Sigh.

Aaaand we head back to Riverrun, just in time to be reminded that Walder Frey is a total creep.  He's all over this serving girl and asking her where his sons are.  She keeps responding that they're there.  This makes no sense to Walder, until he sees thumbs in his pie.

Fun Book Fact #6: Frey Pie is a theory.  Go read about it.  There's reasoning behind it.  It's funny.  It's clever.  It's not random.  Wyman Manderly is a fucking don.

And then, because it makes so little sense it just had to be done, the serving girl pulls her face off and it's Arya.  Yep.  She's made it from Braavos to Riverrun.  She's also stolen at least one face from the House of Black and White and learned how to be a sick assassin because she slices his throat.  Not before doing her whole 'I'm Arya Stark' thing, though.  Has she even done her kill list in season six?  Since she joined the Faceless Men?  Sigh.

This episode is sooooooo long :(

Back to Winterfell!
Ugh.  Littlefinger is being all gross with Sansa, who is 'done with all that praying'.  He says some of the least-Littlefinger things he's ever said, including the fact that his end goal has always been to sit on the Iron Throne (LOL NO), with Sansa beside him.  She pushes him away but he still says that she is the future of House Stark.  #tense

When you remember they made
Benjen = Coldhands

No time for this now, though, we must go to (near) The Wall.
Benjen is telling Bran he can't take him and Meera any further because the Wall is magic etc.  He takes Bran off the horse and unceremoniously dumps him by a tree and is all like 'later days, guys!  Meera, you got this, right?  He's pretty heavy, but you don't need this horse, do you?  Byeeee'. #probablyparaphrased

Fun Book Fact #7: Benjen is not Coldhands.  Confirmed.
Fun Book Fact #8: Bran cannot ride a horse, because his legs don't work.  Tyrion actually designed a contraption to allow Bran to be strapped to a horse and ride it.  Bran would not be physically able to be sat up on the horse like he was at the beginning of the scene.

Luckily for Bran, he's been dumped by a weirwood tree so he can touch it and remember the Tower of Joy.

This beginning of this scene was.... not bad?
I enjoyed hearing the phrases I've read so many times and I even liked the fact that Lyanna whispered parts to Ned so we couldn't hear it and so things weren't spelled out for us... Until they genuinely faded out of the baby's face, into Jon's face.  FFS.
Some problems with this scene: Rheagar has not been set up well enough for this to have any impact on a show watcher.  People on twitter have been thinking that Jon is Robert Baratheon's child.  We've never seen Rheagar, he's barely been spoken about and, if you haven't read the books, I don't think this scene will mean very much to you other than the fact that Jon is a Stark but not Ned's bastard son.  It's a real shame to let one of the most iconic and waited-for scenes to pan out like this.

SPEAKING OF JON AS A BABY, HERE'S JON AS AN ADULT #smoothsegues
Back in Winterfell, which looks suspiciously like the Wall set, the Northerners are declaring their leader... Jon is the King of the North.

Bran is the rightful heir to Winterfell.  
Both Jon and Sansa know he is alive (Sam told Jon and Theon told Sansa) and yet neither of them are admitting it to one another.  There are two ways of dealing with this:
1) Go and look for you fucking brother, the King in the North and Lord of Winterfell.  I know it's winter, but you really could go.  You could've gone before the fight with Ramsay actually, especially if you didn't care about losing Rickon anyway.  Sam saw him when they passed through the Wall, right?  So you know he's on the other side?  Take some wildlings!  GO.
2)  Try, you know, MENTIONING him?  One of them could take the seat in his place, fine, but he really should've been brought up in conversation.  The Northerners should know there is a third choice, a logical choice for King in the North.

If it's a choice between Sansa and Jon, Sansa is the rightful heir.
1) It's succession: girls > bastards.  Every time.  Yes, she's been married.  Twice.  Polygamously.  But that's beside the point.  She was born a Stark.  She is the heir.
2) It's logic.  These Northerners shout about Jon winning the battle and avenging the Red Wedding but he didn't -- Sansa did.  Jon's plan was awful; he charged off into battle and got his entire force surrounded.  He lost hundreds of men.  Now, tbf, this could've been solved if Sansa had have opened her stupid mouth but the reason they won was because of the Vale knights.  Sansa recruited the Vale knights.  She won the battle.  She's the reason they have Winterfell, not Jon.

Where are the Knights of the Vale?
Littlefinger's bobbing around but where is Robert Arryn?  Why is he not there?  If they are not declaring Jon King in the North, that's kind of a problem, right?  They're the biggest force there.  They will be needed.  That's a concern.
What about White Walkers?
1) Why do we now suddenly care about them?
2) Wasn't it nice of them to hold off on their war until Winterfell was retaken?
3) Are they a myth or do people believe?  This keeps changing, dependent on the storyline.
Where is Ghost?
And was Manderly's line about Jon being the white wolf just to piss me off?  It felt personal.
How does Sansa feel about all this?
1) She looks sulky at one point -- Is she jealous?  Does she want to be Queen in the North?
2) She smiles at another point -- Is she happy for Jon?  Is she hatching a secret plan?
3) She makes eye contact with Littlefinger -- Why do you want me to be so unhappy?

It's nearly over, gang.  Stay with me.

One last visit to Kings' Landing, where Jaime has arrived home, just in time to see his sister, Cersei Baratheon Lannister be crowned the Queen.

#nope

And, finally, we're in Mereen... well, the middle of the ocean, actually.  Near Mereen?
WHERE ARE WE?

Dany is on her boat, fitted with lovely Targaryen banners, with Theon and Yara and Grey Worm and Missandei and Tyrion and the dragons are following and the Dothraki are there and... A Dornish banner?  Huh.  No sign of the Sand Snakes, though.  Weird.  And Olenna's not with them, despite joining the allegiance.  And there are no roses.
Oh, but, don't worry.  Varys has made it there because of course he fucking has.

Omg.
We did it.
We're on the other side!

High Points
The library

Low Points
The plot holes.  Again.
The timeline problems.  As always.

and no, Mr Cogman, this does not answer those problems.

and if you don't understand why it doesn't, I'll gladly explain another time for you.






We may have reached the end of our weekly reviews, guys, but I'm not going anywhere.  I'm not quite finished moaning about Game of Thrones yet but, even when I am, I'll move on to something else.  I hope you stick with me.
Follow me on Twitter for more regular moaning: @noneedtomoan

For those of you who read this every week...

For anyone who follows me on Twitter and deals with incessant, angry, incoherent tweets on the regular...

Most importantly, for any of you out there who actually know me irl and haven't had me sectioned yet...

Season Six, Episode Nine

Whew.  This one made me so angry, I sat up tweeting about it until 4am before realising I had to be up for work in two hours.

Forgive me if this post isn't particularly coherent; I'm running on caffeine and a prayer right now.

Anyway, hi there if you're new (go catch up on my previous reviews to fully understand the emotional rollercoaster I've been on during S6: E1, E2, E3, E4, E5, E6, E7 & E8) and welcome back if you're a returning reader (well done you for sticking with me during what is essentially a nervous breakdown).
So, a bit of background: this is the biggie.

Episode Nine is always hyped to be the most epic and spectacular of the season.  This episode was titled, "Battle of The Bastards" (although I agree with @ManuclearBomb here: "The Bastard of Winterfell" would've made a better title) and had been nicknamed #BastardBowl pretty early on.
Expectations were high.

All I've been told by show fans is to 'wait for the big battle' because that's when it'll 'get good again'.
Okay. Let's pretend that I believe this show can ever be good again.
Why have eight episodes of nothing?
Is that 'okay' if we get ONE exciting episode in return?

That does not make for an interesting TV show.  Not for me.  It doesn't make me want to watch it, just in the hope that one day I might get sixty minutes of good TV.  But, obviously, I watched it anyway.  And, obviously, I was disappointed.  Because this Episode Nine was embarrassingly bad.
Let's do this thing.

We start off in Mereen, because that's what we were all excited about last wee-

Come on.  The title of this episode implied an entire episode set in the North for the battle.  No one wants to see Mereen.  Did you see Dany's 'dramatic' return last week?

Yo Dany tell your face you're happy or sad or whatever you are

Even she cba with it.
Whatever.
She's having a HI-LAR-IOUS chat with Tyrion about how he's messed up her city, whilst Tyrion tries to crack jokes in between projectiles crashing in the background.  I'm going to be honest, I didn't get much of what was being said because I was MESMERISED by Dany's hair.
It was perfection.  Not a curl nor a plait out of place.  Just as you'd expect after a long dragon ride.  Even if this was the day after, her city is under attack; does she really have time to sit and have her hair did?  Are there not more important things to worry about?  Like ruling?
Sigh.
Dany comes to the decision that she needs to kill everyone and burn everything because you can't spell Danaerys without Aerys, am I right, Barristan?  Oh, shit, yeah... They killed him off.  Oh, that's alright.  Jaime had a secret off screen chat with Tyrion once about the Mad King so he's passing on that info to Dany.  Lucky Jaime told Tyrion and definitely didn't confide it to one person in quite a sweet way because he trusted them.  That would've been stupid.

Anyway, cancel the war for now, guys, because the slavers/masters and Dany are meeting outdoors to negotiate.  They try to convince Dany to leave Mereen whilst everyone at home just wonders where the fuck Daario is and how long it will take for the Dothraki hoarde to conveniently arrive.  The masters tell Dany they'll kill her two dragons but then, Drogon Ex Machina arrives!   Apparently the bad guys forget what they said mere moments ago and are now shit scared of dragons and watch on fearfully as Dany climbs aboard and flies off on Drogon.
WHAT?
How can you threaten to kill two of something and then be surprised to see one of them?  Terrified, even?  How were you going to cope in the cave with both dragons?  Have you not seen the dragons before?  Or even heard the stories?  Surely you saw her fly in on Drogon the night before?

Even if you were a bit surprised, the dragon didn't do anything?  You could've taken a shot at it?  You have soldiers behind you, order them to attack it, maybe?
DO SOMETHING SLAVER MEN BECAUSE RN I'M KIND OF ROOTING FOR YOU OVER DANY

Oh, also, just for added LOGIC, the other two dragons have decided now is the exact moment they need to leave the cave, six episodes after being 'freed' by Tyrion.
Speaking of convenience, the Dothraki also decide now is the exact time to charge in, just as Dany and her dragons are leading the charge agains the slavers' fleet.
ALSO, somewhat conveniently, the Sons of the Harpy are back and are still wearing masks even though we apparently know they're the masters now.  Oh, and someone must have told the Dothraki to kill the guys in the masks because they're the baddies.  Otherwise, that could've been a total bloodbath.  Phew.  #fortunate #blessed

Whilst all the convenience is going on, Dany takes the opportunity to go basically apeshit with her dragon and sets fire to everything.  Because, apparently the slavers just left the war going on in the background whilst they parlayed with Dany.  No ceasefire.  Weird tactics.

Back on land, the three masters are all, 'ohhh shit' and Tyrion gets to be stern now because they went back on their agreement.  Oh and their soldiers abandon them because they wouldn't stand for them so why are they even there?  So, for some unknown reason, one of the three of them has to die. What an odd clause to the pact.  Two of them grass the other one up for being poor basically so Grey Worm kills those two.  #justice
The last remaining slaver is sent back to warn the others that Dany is large and in charge and not afraid to set fire to a barge.  (I am so sleepy; I can only apologise)

First ad break!
That was 17 minutes of the episode.  For Dany to try and get Mereen back to the same point it was mid-season five.  For her to fight with all three very well trained dragons.

Give me strength.

Okay.  We're finally heading to the North.  I mean, I assume we're at Winterfell anyway, because there's some light frost on the ground and, as we were reminded a few seasons ago now, WINTER IS COMING.  SLOWLY.

Battle of Wintefell (S5) vs. Battle of the Bastards (S6)

Er... It's coming. Just... Backwards...?

Ramsay comes out to parlay (take note, slavers, parlaying WITHOUT a battle going on in the background) with Jon and Sansa, who is making a point of being there because #feminism, and offers all of the Northerners full pardons if Jon bends the knee.

Ramsay irl

This is a fantastic deal but obviously we do not trust Ramsay because he is a BADDIE.  We're here for the Starks because they're the GOOD GUYS.
Jon turns this down but claims 'there's no need for a battle' and I was screaming at the TV at this point because this is WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING.  Instead, he offers Ramsay a one on one fight because he's such a big strong man and good defeats evil right?
There's loads more filler whilst they tread water until the battle, including when Ramsay throws Shaggydog's head at them to prove he has Rickon, because we haven't seen that before this season.
N.B. At this point of the epsiode, that prop direwolf head has had more screen time than Rickon in Season Six.

Sansa gives some sass about Ramsay losing and dying and 'sleep well' SUCH SASS and, honestly, this is my favourite part of the entire episode- she rides her horse away from the group.  Why is this my favourite part, you ask?  It's because it was definitely sped up in post and so Sansa rides away in super speed and it properly made me laugh.
Genuinely my favourite bit.  Think about that for a little while.
After she's gone, there's more sass from Ramsay when he says that he's not fed his dogs for seven days in preparation.  Exciting.

Then there are lots of dark ominous scenes between Davos and Jon and Tormund, discussing tactics like using trenches and pincer movements (TORMUND DOESN'T KNOW ADVANCED MILITARY TECHNIQUES LOLZ HE SO STOOPID WILDLINGS STOOPID HAHAHAA) and Sansa's opinion not being listened to.

Sansa's tantrums are next level

Sansa, girl, you need to grow the fuck up.
You moan about your advice not being heard because you're the only one who 'knows' him.  Erm.  No, actually, you're being ignored because you only know what Ramsay is like with vulnerable individuals who he wants to torture but you have NO idea what he's like in battle.  You have no military training.  Look, I hate this cardboard cut out pretending to be Jon as much as the next person but, honestly, he is right to ignore you because you will let your emotions get the better of your decisions.
Also, climb on down from that high horse you're on bbz because you're keeping the hero army you've got coming a secret from Jon for no reason.  He could delay the battle until they arrive.  He could save lives.  He could win the battle.  It's literally the only important bit of info rn and you're withholding it for no good reason other than #tension
Jon literally asks when they would get extra forces and she just pouts.  Here's an idea: either shut up and be brooding in the corner about your secret plan or HOW ABOUT YOU TELL THE TRUTH YOU BIG IDIOT FACE?  HOW'S THAT FOR ADVICE, SANSA?

You want proof that I'm not overreacting about how poorly written the characters are in this show?  Sansa kicks off about Jon not listening to her, he monotones his way through a few lines and she instantly says, "I don't know. I don't know anything about battles."

Fo realz Sansa imma kill u myself in a min

She doesn't shut up, though.  She decides that now is the time to pipe up about Rickon, the kid her and Jon have been ignoring (remember when Brienne said Sansa needed the Tully army to become Lady of Winterfell? When Rickon has a better claim over Sansa?).  The reason Sansa hasn't spoken about him?  Because she wants him dead.  Well, maybe I read between the lines there but, she practically came right out and said it.  Sansa's main point was that Rickon's dead either way because Ramsay cannot let him live because, you know, Winterfell.  They're both still pretty optimistic about their own lives and claims, though.  Gah.

Meanwhile, D&D's horrific writing continues to shit all over this episode when they make Davos say, "It was not the Boltons who defeated Stannis. It was Stannis himself" and I can't even begin to address that calmly so, showrunners, have this gif instead:

Fuck you guys

There's lots more stalling for time to pad out the episode, including a little visit to Mel, who refuses Jon's request not to bring him back to life again.  For a woman who was completely unconvinced she could resurrect a man, she's pretty stubborn about forcefully doing it again.  She doesn't get her boobs out anyway so we leave swiftly.
Everything is just dark and boring and this is NOT Episode Nine material, is it?  Yawn.

So, we join Davos walking about in what is now quite a heavy layer of snow (?) and discovering some old fires from long ago that have survived the harsh, harsh winter.  You know what else survived the winter and the fire?  The WOODEN stag that Davos gave Shireen.  Did she have that with her when she was burned?  How did it survive a fire that consumed a HUMAN BEING?
No.  No, Game of Thrones, NO.


This is all too neat, isn't it?  Do you not understand conveniently setting your characters up either to succeed (*cough* Dany) or to find something that WOULD NOT BE THERE is not entertaining storytelling?

Also, am I genuinely meant to believe that Davos didn't know about Shireen's murder until now?  What did he think had happened?  Where does he think Stannis is?  He just took Brienne's word about her executing him?  Why?  He definitely didn't get an answer about Shireen (in fact, iirc, Brienne pretended that she was there for what happened to Shireen but she definitely wasn't).  Has he not asked any follow up questions to Mel offscreen?  WHY NOT?

Christ.
I'm not sure I'm going to make it through this.

We have to go back to Mereen now, where Yara and Theon have just arrived.

I cannot break this scene down fully because my moans of anger as I rocked back and forth were drowning out the show but I got the jist of it:

• Tyrion sends some snark Theon's way
• Theon says Yara is a better leader than him oh and also he didn't kill the Starks; they're alive
• Dany and Yara:

• Tyrion snarks about the Greyjoy fleet 'barely being enough', even with the slavers' ships
• Dany and Yara:

• Dany says they have a deal because #feminism but they'll have to stop reaving
• Yara agrees to stop reaving even though it's all they know
• Dany goes to shake Yara's hand to make a deal but looks to Tyrion for permission first and I want to die

Dany.

The feminist.

The ruler.

DANAERYS STORMBORN WHATSHERNAME

Looked to Tyrion.

Tyrion.

The guy who's been in Mereen 5 minutes and nearly burned it to the ground.

She looked to him to get PERMISSION.

Like Sansa did with Theon.

What even is this show?

Okay. At this point, we're forty minutes into the episode, we've had a bit of CGI in Mereen but otherwise nothing remotely battle-like and honestly I've reached the point of no return.  I never thought I'd be begging to see one of their classic overdone gore fests of a battle but please.

Just show me the battle.  Bring me the bastards.

Back to Winterfell we must go.  Nice, spring-like Winterfell. All the snow's gone.  Obv.

#WinterwhatWinter?

There's a good four or five minutes of establishing shots that are, admittedly, very well shot.  The visuals in this whole sequence are good.  It's the writing that's absolute trash.

So we see flayed bodies on fire on crosses and the two armies, ready to battle.  Ramsay very, very slowly drags Rickon into the battlefield on a leash but, just when you think he's going to kill him, he uses his sword to SET HIM FREE.  #goodguyRamsay

Rickon is told they're playing a game and that he must run to his brother.  He runs as he has arrows shot at him.  Jon is galloping towards him and it's super tense.  Rickon is running in a straight line and OMG HE'S GOING TO MAKE IT RIGHT said no one ever as Rickon is shot through the heart.  Dead.  Deader than dead.

Do you get it? Because waiting right until the last minute makes it so much more dramatically satisfying, doesn't it?  And then seeing his dead body being hit with more arrows is totally necessary and not gratuitous at all.

I honestly can't imagine this is a surprise to anyone.  He hasn't spoken since Season Three, poor lad must've been paid as an extra for the two episodes he's been in this year.  Bless him.  Good work, son.

Then...

The battle.

I don't really know how to go about reviewing this.  It's a bit like trying to write a car chase into a novel.  

I'll give you some notes, my thoughts as I watched:

• Where are the trenches Jon said he'd dig?
• How did all of those arrows miss Jon but hit Rickon again multiple times? #plotarmour
• Jon Snow would be the best dodgeball player of all time.
• Ramsay isn't even fighting, whilst Jon is getting down and dirty with his men. #goodvsevil
• Tormund gives a rousing speech to Jon to cheer him up after nearly dying.  He just looks at him and goes, "HEY."
• The dying battle victims get more lines than Rickon's had all six seasons.
• Tormund gets stabbed and Jon gets trampled. #tension
• SUDDEN UNEXPECTED LITTLEFINGER WAS NOT A SURPRISE
• Sansa adopts that awful sly half smug smile Littlefinger does at Jon whilst he's in battle and I swear I'll cut a bitch
• Ramsay attempts retreat.  Wun Wun, Breaker of Gates, gets in and dies from far too many arrows.

Okay.  At this point, I feel more comfortable ranting in full.

So Ramsay, realising he's fucked, agrees to one on one combat and Jon beats his face to a pulp.  He looks up and sees Sansa.  She's giving him dirty looks and I'm not sure why.

Why...

Why is she already in Winterfell?

The battle hasn't finished yet.  There are still plenty of Bolton men about, and Ramsay himself hasn't been captured yet.  It's not safe to be in there.  HOW did she get there so fast?

Why the dirty look?

You wanted him dead.  Jon's killing him.

Why is Sansa such a mardy bitch?

Seriously?

Who is this Sansa and why do I hate her this much?

We then get a lovely shot of Mel reacting to the Stark banners being put up and Davos standing a distance away from her, staring vengefully at her and stroking his stag. #accidentalinnuendo

We also get to see Rickon on a stretcher and Jon orders him to be buried in the crypt because why bother trying to get Mel to resurrect him when she's clearly a fan of doing it and it's possible and he's your brother and the best claim to Winterfell? #logic
Also, Sansa's all, "Where. Is. He?" even though she's basically been stood there the entire time right?

Then, for the big finale, we get to see Sansa finally getting her revenge.  She goes to see Ramsay, tied up and bleeding, in a cell.  She gets to do a cool monologue about how his family name will disappear and then threatens him with his own dogs, which she reminds him, "you said yourself; you've been starving them for seven days".

It would be at this point, if I thought there was any hope of a coherent plot, I'd ask how Sansa knows about the seven days when she wasn't there when it was said... but there isn't any hope of that so I won't ask.

So, whatever, his own 'loyal' hounds eat him.  We don't see him die though, because that would be gratuitous.  We do get to see an oversized CGI dog brutally attack his face though.

Lots of spare CGI this episode because THEY NEVER EVEN SHOWED GHOST.

Oh and btw, Sansa totally smiles and is basically skipping away because this her personality now.

I'm going to be honest.

I don't know how much of this makes sense and it's probably even more disorganised and frenzied than normal because, as I've been writing, people I know are reacting to the episode positively and-

High Points

Low Points

Hahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahaa

Go follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness @noneedtomoan

One more to go.

Let us pray that I retrieve my sanity before next week.

Season Six, Episode Eight

Hi team.

This is getting more and more difficult as the weeks pass.  The show defies logic: nothing happens and yet they still somehow manage to ruin EVERYTHING. 

Believe it or not, I think that my previous reviews (E1, E2, E3, E4, E5, E6 & E7) have been pretty tame.  I have been genuinely attempting to try and understand what the showrunners are trying to do (obviously, I never can but the attempt is normally there).  However, last night's episode made this extremely difficult.  There were so many poor decisions made that are simply inexplicable and make no sense whatsoever.  So, fair warning: this episode sent me to new levels of anger that I did not know could be reached.  It will get more intense than usual (lol no I didn't know it could either).

Let's crack on, shall we?

We open in Braavos, specifically on Lady Crane, yet again performing as Cersei in The Only Play That Exists.  How many times has this crowd seen this story now?  In fairness to her, she's apparently taken Mercy's advice and has changed the writing to make her character more likeable, which is so much like Cersei in the actual show it could be purposeful but I don't think I can give D&D the credit.
Anyway, she's pretty proud of herself until she hears a thud, which turns out to be Arya, bleeding in a heap all over her expensive costumes.  Real nice, Arya.

Definitely dead.

Okay.  Here's the thing.
Last week, I said how ridiculous I thought it was that Arya survived the stabbing from the waif when Areo Hotah had one little stab in the back and died.

However, after I had posted my review, I had a think back.  Maybe I'd been a bit harsh, here.  It's not like THAT many characters have up and died from stab wounds.

Ooh.  Nasty wound.  She's dead.

Oh yeah.  Good and dead.

Stab wounds to his abdomen? Dead.

Just look how dead this guy is.

Remember him? You betchya he's dead.

COME ON

Ahem.
Whatever.  That's apparently unimportant because I've spent a lot of time on the internet over the past week and there are plenty of theories that explain how Arya can logically survive this.

#mood

Basically, depending on which theory you choose, it was a metaphorical stabbing and so she's not actually physically hurt because she was stabbing the 'old her' in order to finally become 'no one' OR it wasn't Arya who was stabbed at all because it was Jaqen using the faces OR she conned everyone with some conveniently placed special effects, borrowed from the play she watched for a couple of weeks.
Honestly, I love a good ole tin foil hat theory and, although I could not genuinely believe any one of these severely unlikely and basically ridiculous examples, I was still almost rooting for one of them to be true because, otherwise, it may have just meant that Arya was practically invincible, at least from stab wounds that would've (and HAVE) killed any other Game of Thrones character.  Alas, the theories were little more than wishes made by the fans for the show to make some semblance of sense.
Arya was just stabbed, okay?

She hid in water just long enough so that she didn't drown and the waif would leave because CONVENIENT TIMING.
She pulled herself out and wandered the streets of Braavos, where everyone ignored the bleeding child because REASONS.
She went to the only other person in Braavos she really knows, Lady Crane, for help and Lady Crane can heal stab wounds because LOGIC.
  
So it just so happens that Mean Ole Lady Crane used to stab men up all the time when they cheated on her (before then taking them back and caring for them to ensure their wounds healed because #feminism) so she takes her in and bandages her up and gives her milk of the poppy and rubbish soup and now Arya's cured.

Arya

Before Arya has an opiate-induced nap whilst Nice Lady Crane holds her hand, they have a little catch up.  Turns out Vengeful Lady Crane carved up the Sansa actress' face for trying to have her killed (#sistersaredoinitforthemselves) and the comedy troupe has apparently reached the maximum number of times you can perform the same play in the same place to the same crowd and so is moving on to Pentos.  Kindly Lady Crane invites Arya to join them but it turns out Arya's interested in seeing what happens when the maps end (#columbus) and Motherly Lady Crane just chuckles and is all, "kids".

[NB: You know when I said this post was going to be more intense than usual and you didn't believe me and now you've just realised that was only the first scene?]

So, scene two.  Just a bunch of lads having some banter about kissing ladies.  Because not enough time has been wasted on getting to know these randoms, it turns out we need to know that this guy actually just wanted to insert his finger into the other man's anus.  #comedy

HOUND IS BACK OMG GET HYPE
#CLEGANEBOWL

There's some raucous laughter (because sexual assault lolz, amiright?) until we suddenly see Sandor Clegane arriving in the background.
He obviously murders them all brutally with his trusty Axe of Revenge™, before whacking the last one in the crotch and asking him where 'the one with the yellow cloak' (seriously, how difficult would it have been to say 'lemon'?) was and, when big ole tough guy decides to say 'fuck you' instead, Sandor says he's shit at dying and slices right through him.
Yep.  Sandor has definitely benefitted from his time with Brother Ray & Co. and is on a path to redemption and definitely is not the same person as The Hound always was.  No no.

Then we pop back to Mereen, which literally no one has missed while it's been gone.

Season 5, Episode 3 to be precise.

We see a Red Priestess, who is neither Melisandre (#whereisMel), nor Random Other Priestess who knew about Varys' life who was introduced a few episodes ago, but, whoever she is, she gives a rousing Dany Is The Best speech.
Hardly surprising, given that we all know the Lord of Light followers in Slavers' Bay have been behind the 'Dragon Queen' since last season, right?
Tyrion appears to have forgotten this, however, as he (in his very expensive outift) wanders the dangerous streets (the ones they needed escorts and a disguise to be on earlier in the season) with Varys.  He smugly smiles at Varys to show that his plan of action to get them talking about Dany is working (even though, as discussed above, this is not down to Tyrion and has been going on for a while) and even calls his plan 'successful'.  Giant sigh.
Tyrion reminds Varys that he's a eunuch and we all have a few lolz and then they look at all the ships in the distance. The ships that were burned down in Episode One, you ask?  Nahh, they've probably just rebuilt them by now (in which case, y'all better prepare for Euron's magnificent and imminent arrival in Slavers' Bay on a full fleet).
Tyrion announces that he will miss Varys and he hopes he's right about his 'expedition'.

Shh everyone.  VARYS IS DOING SECRET THINGS OK

Varys then has a whole thing which is bizarre.  Firstly, he tells Tyrion he has to go because they need friends in Westeros and also ships (because there aren't any sh- wait...)  He then drops this gem, "I can't go off on a secret mission with the most famous dwarf in the city."  Come on, Varys.  You're in the middle of what is clearly a thriving city market and just screaming about your secret plans to go to Westeros?
Remember when Varys orchestrated an entire spy network?  Neither does he.

Tyrion calls him back because he's obviously behaving like a complete imbecile.  Thank God Tyrion's got his shit together.

He corrects him and says he's actually the 'most famous dwarf in world'.  Not city.  Okay, Varys?
Bear that in mind but otherwise just keep doing you.
#bestteamever

From one dream team to the next!  Cersei is drinking alone when Qyburn comes a-calling, telling her that the Faith Militant are IN THE RED KEEP!  BECAUSE TOMMEN LET THEM IN!

PANIC

Cersei goes to speak to a very croaky-voiced Lancel (seriously, was this an acting choice or does he just have a cold?  I need to know because it was really distracting), who tells her that the High Septon (apparently everyone's stopped calling him the High Sparrow now) demands her presence.  She refuses.  The Mountain Ser Gregor steps in to stop them from taking her and then we get the line we've been waiting since the trailer for.

As it turns out, this line was a lot more exciting out of context but it's always the way with trailers.  Even the Terminator-reminiscent score can't help hype this up enough.
Regardless, the Sparrows are all 'hey we got this huge undead guy, right?' until they discover the hard way that his armour is super strong.
unGregor reacts to this attempt to hurt him by, predictably, strangling a guy and then ripping the head off him.
Lancel et al look suitably shocked and Cersei gets to smugly smile and tell them to 'tell his High Holiness he's welcome to visit' because Cersei don't travel nowhere no way no how.

Meanwhile we arrive at CGI City Riverrun!
Before we get into this, allow me a little bit of book snobbery for a moment because the Blackfish situation immediately makes less sense in the show and I never broached this last week.  Apparently, the Freys got Riverrun first and then the Blackfish stole it back (lol how seriously).  In the books, the Blackfish never leaves Riverrun for it to be taken.  That's the whole problem and why Jaime is drafted in, after a long stand off, to help get him out.
Ok.  With me?  Let's get back to it then because Brienne and Pod have arrived!

Robson & Jerome > Jaime & Bronn

She goes to have a chinwag with Jaime as Pod waits outside.
Bronn grabs Pod by the neck for the lolz (also to make an exciting shot for the trailer) and then makes a dig that he's 'getting a bit too old to be a squire'.
LOL DO YOU GET IT BECAUSE HE'S MEANT TO BE ABOUT THIRTEEN OMG CLASSIC BRONN

Bronn has seemingly retained his mystic omniscient powers from Season Five, as he knows that Jaime and Brienne want to fuck one another and also that Pod has a magic cock.

Inside the tent, Jaime and Brienne are catching up.  Jaime is really surprised that Sansa is alive and reminds the audience that Cersei wants her dead for killing Joffrey.  Brienne explains that she's there for Sansa to get the Blackfish onside and take his army up to help Sansa retake Winterfell because she wants to be Lady of Winterfell.
Erm.  WHAT?!  Were we ever told that Sansa wants to be Lady of Winterfell?  Is Brienne making this up? Is everyone forgetting that Rickon has a stronger claim on Winterfell than Sansa?

Jaime asks none of these questions and instead just gives us some helpful exposition about who the Freys are.  They chat about honour and he asks her not to make him betray his own house.

(*cough* and THE KING...Who's a DIFFERENT HOUSE, remember? Jaime's legit the worst at keeping incest secret) 

In the end, though, this is a moot point because he decides to give her until nightfall and, if she can persuade the Blackfish to leave before then, he will let them march North.

Okay...  Okay.  Let's all just calm the fuck down here and think about a few things:

• Jaime is a Lannister and House Lannister has sworn fealty to the King
• He, therefore, must not allow traitorous events to occur
• The King proclaimed that Riverrun belonged to the Freys
• The Tullys, therefore, are going against the King's orders by being in Riverrun
• The King proclaimed Roose Bolton to be Warden of the North and gave them Winterfell
• Sansa and Jon, therefore, are going against the King's orders by trying to take Winterfell

I understand the show is trying to build the relationship between Brienne and Jaime but it makes NO sense.  Jaime would never allow Brienne to take the Tully army (traitors to the King) away from Riverrun.  He then would not allow House Tully (traitors, remember?  They took Riverrun off the Freys apparently) to join forces with House Snow Bastard Stark (the self-proclaimed leader of which is a traitor as she's suspected of commiting regicide) to retake Winterfell (a traitorous act -- it belongs to the Boltons).  I DON'T GET IT  I DON'T GET ANY OF IT HELP
Omg and seriously, the rest of this scene...

With Jaime doing his little puppy dog eyes at Brienne as he told her to keep the sword?  With Brienne pretending that she wanted to give the sword back?
Either it was seriously well acted (I'm not convinced I can tell the difference between good and bad acting any more) or I just completely projected the books onto it but, either way, it was actually really cute and I know I should've loved it but then I'd remember the situation they'd been written into and how NONE OF IT works for the characters, for the world they're in, for the politics, for ANY REASON... and basically I didn't even slightly enjoy it.

Oh God, there's more Riverrun too.
Blackfish allows Brienne in (we're not sure why) but is having none of her shit. He won't abandon Riverrun on Jaime's word, nor will he believe that Brienne is working for Sansa.
Two very sensible decisions.  Well done, Blackfish.

Brienne doesn't give up and spouts some rubbish so that he reads probably about two words of the letter Sansa has written and decides that 'she's exactly like her mother'.
Ugh.
Whatever, though, because Winterfell may be Sansa's home but Riverrun is the Blackfish's so Jaime will have to take it off him if he wants it.  Brienne tells Pod to send a raven to Sansa to tell her she's failed.

Now, if I had the strength, I'd analyse where the fuck this raven will be sent to because, last Brienne knew, Sansa was at Castle Black.
She has no idea which Northern Lords have sworn fealty to Sansa and so has no clue that Sansa is in possession of the Mormont ravens right now.  How will Sansa get this message?  That's what I'd ask.  If I wasn't exhausted from trying to make sense of a situation that is completely illogical.  I'd also ask why the 8000 strong Lannister army would allow a castle under siege to send ravens because they'd definitely shoot them from the sky, right?  It's probably why Sansa sent Brienne rather than sending a raven, right?

I can't.  I can't even.

Take me back to King's Landing and Cersei, for the love of the gods!
She's annoyed because she wasn't informed that there was to be a royal announcement.  She tries to stand next to Tommen but Kevan (see, Olenna, Cersei has family!) makes her stand with the losers in the gallery instead.  Margaery's absence is not explained, btw.  Shockingly, all the other women in the cheap seats move away from her (and creepy Qyburn and the zombie man that can murder you super fast) whilst Tommen says all this trash about the Faith and the Crown being two pillars that hold up the world and how, basically, if you break The Father's laws, you're fucked.  He reminds us that Cersei and Loras' trial is coming up soon, which is handy because we had no idea they are apparently to be tried together, despite their crimes not being linked and also the fact that Margaery was meant to be sorting a deal out for him.  Also, big news, trial by combat is no longer allowed.

Looks like Cersei's unGregor plan is out the window!
Cersei looks sad, Tommen looks sad and everyone else looks... well, pretty bored tbh.  I suppose, if you're not directly affected, it isn't terrifically exciting news.
After Tommen leaves, we get a bit of mystery (say 'ooooh').  Qyburn tells Cersei he's investigated 'that old rumour', using his birds.  He claims 'it's more, much more than a rumour'.
This is wildfire, right?  Is that what we're all assuming?  Not much of a mystery, given that they showed Aerys' use of it in Bran's vision... Ah well.  I'm sure this plan will come to fruition just like all of Cersei's. #Mountain #zombie #useless

Back to Mereen!  God, we're really making up for lost time here.  Tyrion is drinking wine and happy and so decides to forces Grey Worm and Missandei to drink, too because peer pressure is fun and harmless. There's so much filler conversation in this scene it's ridiculous and I'm not even going into it but, just know, Tyrion wants a vineyard and he likes to tell jokes as well as force others to tell jokes.  He also likes to repeat the beginning of the same joke he told in season one because #callbacks
Whatever.  They're all actually smiling and having fun until the bell rings and they discover they're being attacked by a huge fleet.  For one terrifying moment, I actually thought the Iron Born had made it to Mereen but, not to worry, it's just the masters, who 'have come for their property'.

Moving on!  Back to... Oh no...

#pleaseGodno

At Riverrun, Jaime goes to see Edmure.  He apologises for the treatment he received from the Freys and then chats about his son, who apparently exists but hasn't been spoken about this entire time.

(NB: if Edmure has a son, he'd be Edmure's heir, right?  As valuable a hostage as Edmure himself?  Why is Edmure still alive?  Just kill him!)

This then progresses into an argument, where Edmure (finally getting lines, yaaas!) asks Jaime how he can live with himself.  Jaime responds by talking about Catelyn Stark (because we gots to get us some #Stoneheart hype) and also repeats 'the things we do for love' from the pilot episodes because doing #callbacks is easier than writing new lines, right?

Then, rather strangely, he decides to tell Edmure that he loves Cersei and, to get back to her, he has to take Riverrun so he'll do anything because only Cersei matters.

"If I have to slaughter every Tully that ever lived to get back to her, that is what I'll do."  - RIP Jaime Lannister's character and the redemption the real him so desperately sought. 

The next thing we see is Edmure Tully approaching Riverrun. Blackfish tells him not to let him in because he has a brain and realises it's a trap. However, the bloody jobsworth soldier is beyond confused: they should obey the Lord of Riverrun, which is Edmure.

They decide to let him in and the Blackfish is, understandably, furious.  Jaime watches on with the Frey man, who tells Jaime that he just surrendered their most valuable prisoner if he's wrong.
Edmure walks in, sees Blackfish and walks away.  He goes straight upto the soldiers who lowered the drawbridge for him moments ago.  He commands all the forces in the castle to lay down their swords and open the gates.  They look pretty gutted tbf but they do as they're told and Jaime rides in.  Edmure tells them to find the Blackfish, put him in irons and hand him over to the Freys.

Speaking of Blackfish, here's the Blackfish (#smoothsegues).  He's found the super secret moat entrance and is helping Brienne and Pod escape.  He decides to stay and fight because he 'ran' from the Red Wedding (eh?) and he's not had a proper sword fight in years.
Cut to: Jaime standing above the drawbridge, being told they found the Blackfish and he 'died fighting'.  ANOTHER OFF SCREEN DEATH? For serious?  He's then mildly distracted by Brienne and Pod making a very, very slow escape.  He sees her.  She sees him.  They wave to one another.  It is actually mildly cute.
It does not, however, detract from the utter shit show that was the rest of Riverrun.

MEANWHILE, back in Mereen (seriously? AGAIN?)

Writer's expect this reaction to her return

The battle is well underway and, gee whiz, they sure could use a hero right now.  No time for thinking about saviours, though, for Tyrion is being self effacing and admitting he was wrong to do the deal with the slavers.  Grey Worm says they should stay protecting the pyramid as it's the only place they can successfully defend.  Suddenly, there's a few noises and, I swear to God, Dany just walks in and looks at them.  Drogon flies away in the background.

My reaction

Okay so, honestly, tell me now, how was this considered a good idea in the writing room?
Where's Daario and the whole kahlasaar?  Where's Drogon gone now?  Why did we not see him attacking the ships?  Did he even bother attacking the ships?  Or did he just drop Dany off and leg it?  Why does Dany look like she's just been in a hair and make up chair, and not just hopped off the back of a dragon after what we can assume was a long loooong journey?
OMG I HATE IT I HATE IT ALL SO MUCH

Aaaand it's back to The Hound, who is just wandering around and happens to find the Brotherhood Without Banners hanging Lem Lemoncloak and the other men who attacked Brother Ray &Co. as they are no longer in the Brotherhood.  Sandor proceeds to use 'girl' as an insult and demand he gets to kill them in as painful a way as possible because what even is character development?  They kill them and he nicks Lem's boots.
He then goes to their camp and has some food with them, even though he prefers chicken. #callback

Oh, you know what? Fuck the writers.  You're getting paid how much?! That shit is not funny.  Yes, it's a meme and YES it became hysterical for about five minutes on the internet but, seriously, repeating jokes is not funny.  Make some new jokes.  PLEASE.

Whatever.  He then has a wee in the river, when we get to see full frontal #HoundDong.  Guys this is not what I meant when I said make some new jokes.  What.  Why.  No.  Staaaaahp

Thoros asks him to join the Brotherhood because they're all still here for a reason and need good men to help them.  Also, cold winds are rising in the North, but don't think about that too much dear sweet audience.  He proclaims that it's 'not too late' for him and Sandor is left pondering what he will do.

Interestingly, no one calls him The Hound any more and I don't really understand why.  Brother Ray knows that The Hound is 'dead' but no one else does?  Was there a memo sent out to the rest of Westeros?  Is it like when Puff Daddy/ P Diddy/ Sean Combs demands we all call him something else?

Thank God it's the final scene because I'm losing the will to live.
Lady Crane is checking in on Arya, who is still in bed recovering and only moving ever so slightly.  She wanders into the other room and goes to get... poison?  More milk of the poppy?  We'll never know.  A blonde man sees her and then we hear a thud and she is proper dead.
Obviously the blonde man is the waif.  Less obvious is the reason why the waif needed to disguise herself when Lady Crane had no idea who she was and she took her face off to speak to Arya anyway.  Ah well.  Why do we need reasons for things any more?
The thud wakes Arya up and she discovers the waif and Dead Lady C.  Apparently, if Arya had done her job she would've died painlessly (there's literally no reason for the waif to have caused Lady C pain, though, is there?  She still could've done it painlessly) but the many faced god was promised a name and no one can change that.  Yawn.  Change the record, waif.  Or, stop monologuing and kill her!  DO SOMETHING

Arya, still recovering from major internal injuries, jumps far too far off a balcony, lands on her feet without breaking her legs and runs off and the waif, despite taking the stairs down, catches up no problemo.
At this point, I'd like to point out how the waif is basically the Terminator for the rest of this scene (yes, I've already mentioned the music earlier but I stand by all this; someone in the Game of Thrones camp BLOODY LOVES Terminator).  I'd love to go into more detail but I think I'll just stick with the summative review for now.  Maybe one day I'll be strong enough to thoroughly compare the two.  Today is not that day.
The waif is seriously fast (TERMINATOR FAST... Sorry) but Arya is faster because what stab wounds?  She even slides on her stomach at one point, seemingly ripping open her stitches but she can still run!  This whole chase scene is really long and the waif basically proves that she's the worst assassin of all time - drawing loads of attention to herself, giving her target a head start and assuming that she's mint at finding clues, when really that bloody hand print is probably a trap.
By the time the chase has finally ended, the two of them are in a dark room, the one we assume Arya returned to after not killing BFF Lady Crane.  Arya gets Needle, closes her eyes and slices the candle.
The screen goes black and the next thing we see is Jaqen, who has also just discovered some blood trail clues (they really need better security at The House of Black and White - someone should've seen this happening).  He follows the bloody trail and ends up in the face room.
Get this, Arya's only gone and put the waif's face on the wall.  Despite having no formal training in face peeling whatsoever because she didn't get up to that level of Facelessness.

Arya

He turns around to find Arya and this exchange happens:
A: You told her to kill me?
J: Yes but here you are and there she is. Finally a girl is no one.
A: A girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell and I'm going home.
J: *nods*
A: *smiles/grimaces* *leaves*

Wtf?
1) How does this act of revenge on the mean bully girl make Arya No One?  She's failed every task she's been given.
2) Arya's not going West of Westeros anymore?  When did she change her mind?  Why say it in the first place?
3) How did Arya beat the waif?  Sure, she'd been blind for a bit but had the waif not been?  The waif was higher up than Arya, is the training not the same for everyone?  Even if not, Arya never beat the waif when she was blind.  At best, she blocked a couple of shots, then Jaqen just let her have her sight back.
4)When did Arya learn to slice faces off?
5) WHAT WAS THE ACTUAL POINT OF BRAAVOS?!


It's over.
I told you it was a biggie.

High Points:
That one split second where Jaime waved at Brienne

Low Points:
Pointless callbacks
Invincible Arya/Shit Assassin Waif
All of it.  Everything.

Summary: