Season Eight, Episode Three - The Long Night

Oh boy.

I've been writing an arsey blog about Game of Thrones for three seasons now (twitter: @noneedtomoan and reviews: S8E1, S8E2) and watching the show for about five years and, honestly, this is the first time I've considered just stopping watching altogether.

It's - It's not good. Not good at all.
It's raised a lot of questions about the writing of the show and where it's heading next and I am scared and disappointed. Not an ideal mix. Wish me luck. It's a full 82 minutes of disaster to try and cover.

Okay before we just dive in, I want to reiterate a point about Game of Thrones that I touched on last week: I feel the showrunners (D&D) have completely missed the POINT of the story. 
The books (you know what, no, I'm not sorry) are a Song of Ice and Fire, the first book of which is about the Game of Thrones. The overriding message is the fight between the living and the dead. There are prophecies. The Long Night has been foretold and dreaded for eons. The longest winter will come and it will be horrendous; the Night's King will try to make the entirety of the Seven Kingdoms into undead wights and it will be bloody and brutal and only a miracle could prevent it from happening. Personally, I feel that this story has been being built for eight seasons, to culminate in a one-episode battle where not very much changes at all.
I think GRRM has bigger plans for the army of the dead than them just being defeated at Winterfell and everyone's lives moving on and the focus returning to who is sitting on a throne. In fact, I'd hazard a guess that he will want to make the complete opposite point. I knew D&D didn't get this but, before tonight I had no idea just how poorly they had interpreted the core message of the books: battling for power is meaningless in comparison to the war between the living and the dead.

Remember? When Jon and Dany were trying to convince Cersei of this? So meta.

I will come back to this repeatedly so I just wanted to get it out there right at the beginning.
Phew. This does not bode well.

Let's go.

We open on an Ok, Go! music video. We see Sam and Tyrion looking fairly panicked as they wait clearly not in the crypts as discussed boys and the BranBot 9000 as cool as ever as he's wheeled about. The ominous drums are ominous as it shows us a lot of nondescript Northerners preparing to die for the protagonists.
Admittedly, this long tracking shot is a cool way to show us how Winterfell is preparing for the battle ahead.
Quick question though - didn't we have two episodes of Winterfell preparing for the battle ahead? I feel like last week's episode could just have easily not happened and I'd already be caught up.

GHOST ALERT GHOST ALERT
We have a confirmed Ghost sighting - he is stood by Mormont's side (weird), out the front of Winterfell, and he is ready to disappear again to save the CGI budget fight.

We seem like we're ready to go when there's a horse in the pitch black distance... Melisandre arrives. Did she 'go around' the army of the undead and the Night's King like Tormund and Edd? Where has she been? What is she doing back here? There's mystery and then there's just plain stupid decisions. Mel returning this episode when we had to sit through last week's 50 minutes of catch ups and singing is bullshit. Anyway, she comes up, chill as you like, and lights the Dothraki's swords (technically called arakhs) on fire.

Cool, eh?

Bit weird she didn't do it for everyone's weapons because 1) that would make more sense and 2) it'd mean we could actually see the battle, which would be nice.
Alas, Mel merely equips the Dothraki with the flaming swords so off they go into the night, with no sign of the enemy ahead.

Time out for a sec.
This is a strange battle technique, right? When they were discussing using Bran as bait etc and Brienne saying she was in charge of a flank, I thought it was odd but seeing it in action...
There are hundreds of thousands of undead wights headed for Winterfell. Why would you not force them into a siege situation? Cover the walls and do the trenches and just wait for them to come to you?
Let's be honest, would you send a battalion of some of the BEST fighters in the land out blind? With no lookouts or any idea what they're running into (we know they don't have any scouts further afield because Jon just waited for Edd and Tormund to arrive at Winterfell to tell him when the wights would arrive, he didn't think to gather any information on his own)?
What's the point? No one else does anything. Why not wait for them to come closer and have everyone charge at once?
To say that there are so many men who toot their own horns about their battle prowess at Winterfell over the last two episodes and THIS is the plan they put together is EMBARRASSING.

Well. All of the Dothraki die. There's literally one or two who run back and some random single horses but, for the most side, that entire army is dunzo. Oh, all except Jorah. The white leader of the army survived everyone! YAY THE NAMELESS POC DIED SO THAT THE WHITE PROTAGONISTS MAY LIVE

Seeing this happen from a distance, Dany decides to intervene with Drogon and Jon follows.
The battle starts and Jaime immediately rescues Brienne (massive eye roll) before Drogon starts setting fire to bare wights.

Arya sends Sansa down to the crypts with Needle but not before our first Randomly Repeated Line From A Previous Season:

Do you see?
Because... he said it to... and now she's saying it...

Meanwhile, Theon and the ironborne wait with Bran in the Godswood. Pretty peaceful tbh. Back to hell on earth and everyone is fighting and it's very difficult to follow. I can't actually tell if people are dying as they fall but then they'll reappear or be saved by someone else. It's very fast and very difficult to track. It's weird just how quickly these wights can move after years of slowly marching towards the Wall. Ed saves Sam and is immediately killed for it.

Named Character Death Toll: 1

Okay we've got some action going and people are dying, how exciting. Let's keep up this momentum!

Nope, it's time to visit the awkward and dull crypts! 

This Tyrion/Sansa shit is testing me.

We pop in and out of the crypts at a few points during the battle but basically what's covered is that Sansa tells Tyrion how great he is (AGAIN) and how he was her best husband.
She's only had two husbands and the other one raped her so that's not exactly a high bar, is it?

Tyrion also says "maybe we should've stayed married" and I swear to God my head explodes.

Sansa and Tyrion are still married. They got married.They were never 'not married' since then. Sansa ran away. Littlefinger made her commit bigamy by marrying Ramsey. This line makes no sense. I hate everything.

Oh also, Sansa slags Dany off for no reason and Missandei is rightfully protective over her. I don't know what's going on with the character assassination of Sansa this season but I hate it.

We're then back to the dragons and, from what I can see, Jon is STRUGGLING because Dany spent episode one banging him by a waterfall instead of actually teaching him how to ride a dragon. There's lots of fog, maybe ice wind?, and the chaos has got too much and our Named Characters Gang are too close to possible death for their liking so they fall back while Greyworm and the Unsullied hold the retreat. 

They decide to set the trenches on fire but ermeghherdd nooo they can't because snow and stuff. So, as Greyworm retreats to Winterfell (I didn't hate this - him battling between his duty and his heart), the Unsullied cover Melisandre in a way that was surely prepared in advance despite them not knowing she was going to return (?) as she uses her red priestess magic to light the trenches. She struggles for a while but eventually manages it, of course.

As it is ablaze, the Hound remembers his character is scared of fire so has to walk away for a bit while we head back to the Godswood and Bran remembers his character can warg so he sees through the eyes of some crows/ravens for a bit. What does he see, you ask?

He doesn't use any of the information he gathers to help the battle at all.

The wights figure out a way through the fire and they start to climb the walls and enter Winterfell. Everyone is just smashing it in battle, even one-handed Jaime, who doesn't struggle at all. Then, a giant breaks into Winterfell and Lyanna Mormont decides to take it on (mint idea, mate) and it does not work out too well for her (I didn't hate this bit either tbh; it was the right way for her to go out).

Named Character Death Toll: 2

Things calm down for a bit and the wights now move incredibly slowly because we need to eat up some of those 82 minutes we promised. The slow-moving wights are with Arya in the library and, after some sick water-dancing moves, she manages to escape, just as the wights remember they can run.

Arya leads the fast-moving undead to the Hound and Beric and Beric is way, way, WAY overkilled before they drag his body into what looks like the Great Hall, strewn with bodies, and barricade the door.
Named Character Death Toll: 3
Mel is also in there and she reminds Arya that they've met before and we have our second Randomly Repeated Line From A Previous Season:

There's some stuff with the ice dragon and Jon's dragon - a mid air fight - that I struggle to see but Jon seems to fall off Rheagal and I've no idea if the dragon survived or not [while we're on the subject of Schrödinger's animals: has anyone seen Ghost?]

The Night's King falls and Dany and Drogon arrive to fight Viserion. Jorah hears... something? So turns round and starts running in the opposite direction. Dany burns the Night's King and we're all pretty happy because obviously he'll die now... WAITAMINUTE.

The Night's King is unaffected by fire and walks away. Dany flies off but Jon follows him on foot, until he turns around and he's like - uh oh. The Night's King raises his hands and all the newly dead begin to rise OHMYGODNOWAY.

Back to the crypts that are definitely safe because they said they were at least 15 times last episode. Nothing bad will happen in the crypts because they're so safe.

Quick Q: Remember when they took the wight to King's Landing? It was in a box? It couldn't escape the box until the Hound opened it and it immediately ran out?

Yeah, well, continuity's a bastard.

Now, these wights are being resurrected by the Night's King and can obviously smash their way through the coffins/tombs in the crypt.

People are screaming and Sansa and Tyrion run and hide. 

Sansa silently shows Tyrion Needle and they have an understanding.

He kisses her hand. I think for a minute that they're in the throws of a suicide pact until they both run back into the crypts.

Jon is in the middle of ALL of the undead, slow moving again, fear not, and it looks pretty hopeless. A load of wights with weapons (?) climb Drogon and attack him as Dany just sits on him, doing nothing. He tips her off and flies into the distance with the wights still GOING IN on him. Dany didn't bring any weapons to the fight because she's an idiot and is stood, helpless, in the middle of the wights. DON'T WORRY JORAH IS HERE! No idea where he came from, like, but it was nice of him to show up.

Jon somehow makes it back to Winterfell and leaves Sam and Brienne losing their fights so he can stick to the plan and make it to Bran, who is still warging (WHY? HOW IS THIS HELPING?) as Theon runs out of arrows to fight off the wights.

Okay it all goes in slo-mo now, with some plinky music to tell us how dire the situation is:

• Varys is watching Tyrion in the crypts
• Theon is using the bow now to fight off the undead
• Jorah falls whilst protecting Dany
• Jaime continues to hold off all the freshly undead, even with his one hand
• The Night's King and the White Walkers (remember them? where've they been?) arrive at the godswood
• Bran: Theon. You're a good man. Thank you.
• Theon nods at the NK before running runs towards him
• Bran watches as the NK snaps the weapon and kills him super quick

Named Character Death Toll: 4

• Jon is presumably trying to get to the godswood but is failing miserably
• Jorah is stabbed

The slo-mo is an ETERNITY.

The Night's King looks at Bran. Bran looks at the Night's King:

He slowly reaches for his weapon to kill Bran (which he could've done ten times over).

Then, and I can't stress how ridiculous this is, Arya appears from nowhere to attack the NK.

LOOK AT HER FUCKING FLYING THROUGH THE AIR

Crouching Bran, Hidden Arya tries to stab him, he holds her off until she does the ole switcharoo with the blade Bran gave her (the knife that was used in the attempt to kill him back in Season One!) and shanks the NK real good.

He shatters into pieces and all of the undead fall where they stand.

This rescue comes too late for Jorah, however.

Named Character Death Toll: 5

He dies in Dany's arms and she displays more emotion for him than she did when her dragon (her child) died at the hands of the NK.

loss of child vs loss of creepy stalker

While Emilia acts her socks off, Drogon returns and is fine, completely fine, don't think about it.

Back at Winterfell, Mel walks out with the Hound (how did they survive? how did Arya get out of the Great Hall? is the Hound now a Red Priest? WHAT'S HAPPENING?) She takes her necklace off (lol remember that?) and begins to age. As she walks away from Winterfell, she ages more and more, until she falls to the ground. She just dies.

Named Character Death Toll: 6

That's it.

The end.

What. The. Fuck. Just. Happened.

Final Named Character Death Toll: 6

A few questions:

- Does the Long Night end now the NK is dead? Is Winter over? What was the NK's motivation? How is it just over now?
- Did Bran know everything that was about to happen? If so, why did he let Theon die? What a bastard.

- How did all of our named characters survive? [Think about just how big the undead army is. Six named characters died. SIX. Last week, I was told I was overreacting and the episode was merely closing up all of the character arcs before they all died and to give the writers a break man, they're just giving us some closure before the mass of deaths. And here we are. They're all alive. Everyone's fine.]

- If Jon hadn't have been in this episode, what would have changed? How has he set up this entire battle then just royally fucked everything up for an entire episode?

- Are the last three episodes just going to be about the battle for the throne against Cersei and Euron? Has the story literally been reduced to Dany and Jon = good, Cersei and Euron = bad?

- Why bother showing Ghost if we don't even see him fight? How did he survive if he was on the front line with the Dothraki?

- What was the point of showing Craster sacrificing his children to the NK if the NK wasn't even interested in getting Baby Sam back?

- What was the point of Sam going to Oldtown to gather information when he gave us no extra information to help the battle? What was the point of Bran having all the powers when he didn't help the fight against the NK? What was the point of bringing Jon back to life if he wasn't the one chosen to kill the NK? HOW, after all that, would Arya be the one to kill the NK and save the day? Really? Wolverine? Who can hit people with sticks and swap faces with people? She's not an assassin ffs.

Highlights:

• I saw Ghost once
•   
•   

Lowlights:

• The battle: it was so weirdly fought and they turned up the threat level to 11 at the start with the Dothraki so there was nowhere for them to go. The tactical choices were embarrassingly bad and I can't imagine anyone of the Named Character Gang thinking it was going to work or being willing to fight it in this manner.
• The Night's King
• Named Character Gang surviving due to plot armour and nothing else

Summative Comment:

I honestly don't know if I can do this next week.

Season Eight, Episode Two - A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms

NB: I've also seen several reviews claiming the title of this episode was "The Things We Do For Love" so I genuinely have no idea which is correct. Sorry.

Anyway, hi and welcome to another review of Game of Thrones. Spoiler alert: I didn't enjoy this week's episode. What else is new?
As always my twitter is@noneedtomoan and, if you want to remind yourself what happened in Season Seven, here are my previous rants: E1, E2 , E3, E4, E5, E6 and E7 and last week's episode is here: S8E1.

And, as always, I am salty af after episode two so let's just get cracking.

We open on an apparent trial of Jaime Lannister. Dany is not happy, no ma'am, but Jaime promises he will "fight for the living". Tyrion tries to stick up for his brother but the queen doesn't like that and it appears our catty girls from last week have found some common ground here: both Sansa and Dany do not trust Jaime.

The reaction Bran expected

Then, because the girls are being a bit boring, we get an epic mic drop moment:

Jaime: Everything I did, I did for my house and for my family and I'll do it again.
Bran: The things we do for love.

....Except nothing happens. Jaime registers it. And the conversation moves on. What a waste of a S1 callback, eh Bran?

Then, because Jaime cannot speak for himself, Brienne gets involved and sticks up for him. This moves Sansa to change sides to once again oppose Dany (gasp no way said no one) then Dany leaves the decision to Jon for some reason and he sides with Sansa. Then I think we're meant to feel tension and Dany is mad at Jon and Tyrion. She tells Tyrion she will find another hand if she can't trust him and I think we're meant to feel sorry for him but honestly idc.

Meanwhile, outside, where Arya is taking no interest in the trial of one of the men responsible for killing her father (seriously what is she doing while all this is going on? Does she just wander around WF being creepy?) and instead is flirting with Gendry about the White Walkers and the weapon he should be making for her and how she 'knows death', which she proves by being a mean shot with dragonglass.

Cut to Bran, who is back outside where he belongs and chatting with Jaime about pushing him out of the window. He's cool with it because it made him the Three Eyed Raven and I can't even tell if Jaime and others accept this at this point. They all just kind of stare at him until he shuts up again. Then leave him outside in his chair.

By this part of the episode, I'm not going to lie, I expected a lot more:

But, seriously, no one is bothered at all. It's weird how all eight seasons have been building up to this moment and now it's just like, HEY, SLOW DOWN, let's have a chat about our feelings and shit.

One-handed Jaime did ok in Dorne

Anyway, next on the list for the catch-up-on-our-emotions-about-each-other chat are Jaime and Tyrion, who talk about Cersei (who IS pregnant guys, stop thinking she's lying) and the fact that Tyrion can make mistakes (gasp no way said no one ever).

They then look out from the top of Winterfell and see Brienne training Pod. Jaime goes down to see her and he asks to be under her command of the left flank, despite not being as good of a fighter as he used to be back when he had two hands and she accepts his offer.

Shocking news: WE HAVE MORE UNNECESSARY CONVERSATIONS TO AVOID THE BATTLE THIS EPISODE

Jorah is bitching to Dany about not being hand for some reason and says Tyrion should be forgiven for... Being annoying and speaking up for everyone at every opportunity despite never being asked to? Being a terrible hand? Believing Cersei? One of them.

Sansa and Dany have a chat to put those non-existent problems behind them and be gal pals instead. They both talk about how great Tyrion is for a while.

Saint Tyrion chats make me mad

Then, once they're over how wonderful and smart and great Tyrion is, Sansa says they have Jon in common but "men tend to do stupid things for love" but Dany argues it is she who is being taken advantage of here: she is only in Winterfell because she loves Jon.

The ONLY reason Dany is fighting the war against the undead is Jon, apparently. Let's break that down.

She doesn't care that the White Walkers are through the Wall? Even though she went to Cersei to ask her to put aside the arguments over the throne to focus on saving the world? She's now forgotten this and is all about the throne again?

This is what I was talking about last week: the show has forgotten that the main battle is meant to be ice vs fire, dead vs living. 

Sorry - book talk for a hot minute: The series of books is called A Song of Ice and Fire but the TV show has focused on the first book's title alone, A Game of Thrones. Back in book one, the only thing anyone cared about was who was on the Iron Throne. Fair. We didn't know about the army of the undead. But now, now we are beyond the books and the UNDEAD ARE BEYOND THE WALL. Does the king/queen matter? Who wants to rule over a kingdom full of undead White Walkers? That's meaningless.

Take the books out of it: all these super scary undead zombies are here and they will kill everyone. Why would who is king or queen matter? What sort of tyrant is Dany if this is all she cares about? Are we meant to start hating her now? Or are we meant to be rooting for her to get that crown, biatch. You get what's owed to you hun.

Is Dany bothered by this? Lol nope.

But, okay, let's pretend I can put all of this aside for a second.

Let's just think about Dany. Daenerys Targaryen: what's the most important thing in her life? Besides Jon. Besides the throne.

Her three dragons were always referred to as her children. One of them was murdered last season by the Night's King.

You genuinely expect me to believe that Dany doesn't care that the Night's King killed one of her CHILDREN? She doesn't even want vengeance for that? Nope.

In her own words, she's ONLY in Winterfell, fighting the war of the living vs the dead, because she loves Jon. He's the only thing that convinced her to be there.

In summary: I call BULLSHIT.

Whatever.

The conversation continues in a light hearted girls-having-some-girl-banter manner until Sansa asks what will happen to the North after the war against the undead is won. Dany says she will take the Iron Throne and they are back to being FROSTY with one another once Sansa reveals that the North does not want to relinquish their title as they've lost it before and are not willing to lose it again.

#awks

Theon arrives and is... best friends with Sansa now? Idk I don't feel much about this tbh.

Because of Jeyne Poole in the books, I feel like this is all bullshit anyway so I kind of zone out of Theon scenes.

There's some weird scene with Gilly telling women and children to head to the crypts for saftey and Davos showing us all that he was always the good guy with Shireen and he wants to look after the little ones.

Edd, Tormund and co. show up.

They 'had to go around' the Army of the Undead.

AROUND THEM

ALL THIS LOT

JUST NIPPED AROUND THEM

I despair.

Right, next, we're all having a little chat about the Night's King and what he wants, which Bran is convinced is him (he's so self-involved this guy). Bran comes up with a plan for him to, shock horror, wait outside in the godswood and lure the Night's King to him.

Missandei and Grey Worm agree to go to Naath after all this funny war business is over.

Ghost blink twice if you're being held against your will

Next, we head up to see Jon and Sam talking about the revelation from last week with Ghost just chillin in the background.

Sigh. The fact that Ghost is just stuck in behind them with no comment is an absolute joke. We've had no reunion moment, so they obviously want us to believe he's been here the entire time, just out of shot. Ghost was a huge part of Jon's resurrection and crucial to his story. He's the only direwolf left with its original Stark (Nymeria is off with a new pack somewhere and the others are all dead) and it's a VERY big deal that Jon still has him. The way they've written him out of the show is infuriating, especially as we all know it's just so that the dragons can have more airtime. That How To Train Your Dragon sequence from last week? That CGI was deemed more important than Ghost.

Whatever. Jon tells Sam he can't tell Dany he's the true heir yet. He then tells him to go down to the crypts to be safe and Sam reminds Jon and Edd how brave he's been and he doesn't need to hide. Then they all think about the Night's Watch together and we can't help but wonder why Jon and Sam haven't been punished for abandoning their posts.

Hey remember when Bran said this last episode? Seemed like we were in a real rush, didn't it?
But nope. We're just going to have some fun first.

Jaime, Tyrion, Brienne, Pod, Davos and Tormund all have a drink and talk about life and giants and fun times and how they're probably going to die.
Arya and Sandor share some wine and have a chat that comes to nothing really (I miss Sansa and Sandor) oh and Beric is there too.

Winterfell rn

Okay now it's the big Arya scene. She has sex with Gendry because she wants to feel what it's like before she dies.

Now, full disclosure: I'd seen this coming a mile off because HBO UK very thoughtfully got out ahead of it and told us in no uncertain terms on Twitter that Arya was 18 (see below).

So... Arya is 18. 
Let's consider this with the following facts:
- Arya was 11 in Season One
- Baby Sam (now a toddler) was born in Season Three
- Cersei's hair was cut at the end of Season Five and it still hasn't grown back
- Winter was so bad in Season Five that Stannis and his army were stuck in the snow outside Winterfell and were forced to slaughter their horses to have food to eat

With these things in mind, has enough time passed to accept that Arya is 18? No. The answer is undoubtedly no.

Does this matter?  Probably not.

But just remember that Dany's wedding night with Drogo was adapted to make it non-consensual as Dany was underage (in the books, it can be read as 'consensual' sex, but still a grey area due to the fact that Dany was a child at the time so how much 'consent' can be given?) 

Consider why the producers felt it necessary to REALLY highlight that Arya was 18, so that she can enjoy this moment with Gendry as consensual. Fine. Cool.

 Except that timelines don't work that way. You don't get to just change the age of someone so you can see them having sex-

Never mind.

Basically, if you're going to not give a fuck about timelines and are just going to jump forward, as @HNHughson so greatly put it on Twitter, I can accept it "if it affects everyone in Westeros equally, not just the young girls [and boys] they're writing sex scenes for".

Also I'm mildly upset that Arya is getting to have consensual sex rn and Sansa has been through everything she's been through and is now forced to hang out with Theon just because they want to punish her for being 'catty' (aka right to worry about food supplies) and celebrate Arya for being 'badass' (aka inexplicably surviving impossible situations and wearing faces ok cool).
Gutted for her.

Meanwhile, back by the wine and fire, the gang's still getting lit.
Tyrion is so clever and remembers what irony is: they've all fought against the Starks before and now, here they all are, protecting the Seven Kingdoms just Winterfell apparently for them.
Brienne says at least they'll die with honour and Jaime knights her. This scene is sweet and I get that but I honestly can't appreciate it rn. There should be so much more HAPPENING in this episode. There are only FOUR left now. What happened to those 'feature-length' episodes we were promised?

Sigh.

Back outside, Jorah tells Lyanna Sassypants to go down to the crypts but she wants to fight and Sam gives Jorah Heartsbane because apparently he's changed his mind about the crypts now and isn't brave Sam who was the first man to kill a wight and defeated a Thenn. Jorah is very touched and happily accepts this Valyrian steel sword unlike his own father's Valyrian steel sword that Jon tried to give him last season and he refused to take (Lyanna should definitely have the Mormont family sword and not Jon, just saying).

And, nearly there, don't worry, we have a musical montage as Pod sings Jenny's Song and they show some clips over the top of it.

Okay: Jenny's Song. This is a whole load of book stuff now but, just remember, I didn't start it - the show did.
This references a song featured in an Arya chapter of A Storm of Swords. The book never actually reveals any of the lyrics but it does feature a whole load of prophecy and references to a character called Jenny of Oldstones. Now, I, as we have established, am a die hard bookfan. It took me a hot minute to get the reference and, even then, I wasn't hyped about it...

Of all the book things to focus on, why Jenny's song? Yes it has links to prophecies and Targaryen secrets but... Why?
Don't pander to the book nerd in me, Cogman. And if you're going to, make it Ghost or Lady Stoneheart, k?

Anyway, we see Grey Worm and Missandei say goodbye, Sansa and Theon just hangin' out eating soup, Sam, Gilly and Baby Toddler Sam down in the crypts and Arya looking completely emotionless as Gendry has a post-coital nap over the top of the song.

Then, finally, Jon decides the time is right, just before they go to the battle of their lives, to tell Dany.
He is stood in front of Lyanna's statue as he explains and Dany is majorly peeved that he's the true heir to the throne. She's not mithered in the SLIGHTEST that she's shagged her nephew but hey, Targaryens right?
Before they can chat anymore about their lovely incest, they hear a horn sound and head out to the battlements, where Tyrion is stood (wasn't he sent to the crypts, wtf Tyrion?)
Jon and Dany run off to go battle and dragons and fire and ice and shit and we are left with the most important character of all, Tyrion. We zoom out from his shocked face to see....

*squints*

Okay so I think it's safe to say the White Walkers have arrived.... a little while away from Winterfell just yet. No Night's King by the looks of it, just like Bran said. Presumably he was away having a nap with his dragon and the giants and mammoths and that and they were just going to catch them up later because they're a bit faster.

Right. It's over.

Another tricky one today as I feel like we zoomed all over Winterfell and saw lots of different conversations but nothing actually happened to move the story forwards.

I've had a tiff or two with some showfans on Twitter and essentially their argument as to why episode two was good is that it was tying up everyone's storyarchs before the big battle kills a load of them. Erm. No. That was never the point of Game of Thrones as a show, was it? Weren't some of the best seasons the ones where you didn't know who was going to die? Didn't you used to live for those moments that a character was about to rightfully get justice and BOOM DEAD lolz.

I hate that Game of Thrones has become a fanservice soap opera and that they care more about arming their favourites with as much plot armour as possible than actually moving the story along.

Honestly: think for a second.

If episode two had never happened, what difference would it make to the story?

Exactly.

Nothing is happening.

Highlights

• Brienne being knighted? I guess it was cute.
• That bit when I saw Ghost for a sec

Lowlights

• The fact that nothing actually happened and this was just a filler episode until we get to the battle

Summative comment:

Seriously, this battle next week better be worth it.

I sense not, though.

Season Eight, Episode One - Winterfell

Hi. If you're new here, I used to love Game of Thrones until Season Five, when it suddenly became ridiculous: less about logical plotlines and character development and more about attempting to shock the audience while sadly remaining horrendously predictable.
Anyway, now I have a system to get me through: I livetweet each new episode as it airs internationally at 01:45 GMT (@noneedtomoan) and then try to get a full review out the same night (if you want to remind yourself what happened in Season Seven, here are my previous rants: E1, E2 , E3, E4, E5, E6 and E7).

NB: I have admittedly read the entire A Song of Ice and Fire series of books and, obviously, prefer them to the show. However, this blog and my feelings about GoT stem more from the poor quality of the TV show - it is not about comparing it to the books (but, occasionally, I will get really angry and mention them, soz).

So. It's finally here. This is the last ever season of Game of Thrones.

The credits roll and oooh they're new, how exciting. They actually make a point of showing the ice (e.g. the army of the undead) making its way over the Wall, which is a nice change.
All of the promo for Season Eight has been 'for the throne' - focusing on who will be sitting in the Iron Throne by the end. Arguably, the main story of the show and books is the fight between the living and the dead and how, in the grand scheme of things, who rules over the Seven Kingdoms doesn't matter.
The dead don't care who the King or Queen is - they don't adhere to society's rules and this is, kind of, THE WHOLE POINT.
The people in charge are so obsessed with staying in charge that they will forget the most important battle and lose their lives over what is essentially a chair.This rant about the opening credits bodes well, doesn't it?
Moving on!

We follow a small boy, later revealed to be an Umber, pushing through a crowd to see the royal party arrive at Winterfell because who doesn't love a pointless callback to Season One? He runs past Arya, who smirks at him because this is her only face apparently. Jon and Dany are marching through to Winterfell in striking black and white outfits because it's winter but it's not cold enough for hats/ear protection etc. The Hound and Gendry are with them too, as are Tyrion and Varys who share some needless eunuch bants before we see the dragons flying overhead and we FINALLY get some reaction shots from general citizens, which I've been wanting for a while.

Jon et al arrive at Winterfell and we all get ourselves ready for him to have himself some emotional Stark reunions, starting with Bran-

Oh but Bran is an unfeeling robot so that's kind of one-sided. Cute, though.

Jon has a nice hug with Sansa, who is all smiles until she speaks to Dany. It is then implied that these two do NOT like each other because you know how women get, right?

Exposition Bran then interrupts to tell them "We don't have time for this". I mean, he's not wrong. 

We only have six episodes this season! Let's get cracking! And get cracking he does! 

He tells Dany the Night's King has her dragon and his army has breached the Wall. The Dead are marching South.
I feel like this isn't made into a big enough deal. THE DEAD ARE COMING AND THEY HAVE A DRAGON.
Everyone kind of just accepts this information and we move on very quickly. Strange reaction to the undead's arrival being imminent if we're honest, especially considering you were so concerned that you went to bloody Cersei for help last season.
How can you not care anymore?

Anyway, we go indoors and the Northern Lords all hate Jon now because he's renounced his title of King of the North and has bent the knee to Queen Dany. The Umber kid from earlier is sent to go get the rest of his family. Tyrion gets up and speaks for Jon for some reason. WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO HEAR FROM TYRION? In the bigger picture, he's basically a nobody. Why would we want to hear from him? Sansa? Even Dany. Not Tyrion ffs.

It's very early in the episode to already feel like this.

Also, while I'm angry, I think one of my least favourite things about this episode is how Sansa is presented. She has a lot of good questions, such as how are they going to feed all of these extra people? How much do dragons eat? (It turns out, a lot) Sansa says she hasn't taken dragons and everyone else into account when preparing the stores for winter, which has been coming for eight seasons now. This is accepted with eye rolls and almost makes her seem bitchy and catty towards Dany for even asking this. Frustrating.

Speaking of frustrating, Tyrion and Sansa are then reunited. One of the articles I read was like 'I presume they're still married'. Erm. YEAH, because they were always married, even when Sansa was REmarried off to Ramsay. Anyway, Tyrion reminds us all how great he is and Sansa has more good ideas that are presented as catty, like the fact that Cersei is obviously lying to Tyrion and he should realise this (duh).

At this point, I'd just like to say how little it feels is actually happening in this episode. It is SLOWWWW.

Exhibit A: Bran is still sat in the courtyard at Winterfell waiting for an opening to talk to Jon about this big news he MUST know, despite there being NO TIME. I thought we were in a rush, Bran mate?

Anyway, Arya finally reunites with Jon and it's... I mean, it's sweet. I can't hate all of this.

There are two bits I definitely do not enjoy, however:

1.
Jon slagging Sansa off and Arya standing up for her, despite threatening to kill her last season.

2.
Arya: How did you survive a knife to the heart?
Jon: I didn't.
Arya: *has no more questions because resurrection is an accepted thing lol*

[Why does no one care about Jon resurrecting? Surely this is a big deal? They know he has because no one is punishing him for abandoning the Night's Watch, because that was his former self, but no one is reacting to it AT ALL. ARGH.]

We then fly off to our second and only other location for this episode - King's Landing.

Cersei is watching the Iron fleet return with the Golden Company because what is time anymore? [How is this crew back but the army of the undead still not at Winterfell yet?] On the boat, Euron is tormenting Yara, who wants to die and, I mean I feel you babe. He then goes to see Cersei, who is VERY upset at the lack of elephants with the Golden Company, and basically demands sex. Cersei says no but then... yeah, they have sex, despite the phrase "You want a whore, buy one. You want a queen, earn her".

Then it's over to Qyburn, who has such an important task for Bronn that he must interrupt him having sex with three women. [Well, Cersei has a job for him but she can't tell him herself because of Lena and Jerome's contracts clearly stating they cannot be in any scenes together since their horrendous break up.] 

Anyway, the job is that Bronn must kill Tyrion and Jaime with a crossbow if they survive their adventure in the North.

Cersei. You know I like you. I love the short hair and that you've kept it short even though it must have grown so much since it was shaved off.
Listen to me though: you need to be a little less erratic in your actions. You literally had both brothers right in front of you last season.
You had the chance to kill them. Tyrion even ASKED you to kill him. You let them both leave.
Now, what is this shit?
WHAT IS THIS?

Thanks to plot armour, Theon and his band of merry Iron men have managed to kill a few members of the Golden Company [a sellsword company comprising of men hired to fight] quickly and quietly and get Yara out. On their own boat afterwards, Yara gives Theon her permission to go back to Winterfell while she will go back to the Iron Islands and conveniently disappear from the plot altogether.

Back to Winterfell and Davos suggests Dany and Jon get married, which is such an obvious solution I could scream.
Speaking of screaming, Kit and Emilia try to be a couple for a bit but the whole lack-of-chemistry thing is really catching up to them and it's pretty painful. The dragons are sad so Dany's like 'hey, hop on'. Pretty unemotional for what is a big bloody deal. Jon riding her final remaining dragon... It means something. I wanted more than this How To Train Your Dragon scene with yet more clumsy callbacks to previous seasons, when he was with Ygritte in the waterfall and they talked about never going back.

[This scene only leaves me with more questions: Why is no one heading to the Wall? What's the plan for fighting the army of the dead, anyone know? Or is this episode just attempts at chemistry between Dany and Jon before Bran rips it away? How is it cold in the North when you can't even see your own breath there?]

Then Gendry is making dragonglass [is that new? Did I miss that they can make dragonglass and the explanation as to how?] and Arya... flirts with him?

Dany goes to find Sam, who presumably hasn't seen Jon yet, to thank him for saving Jorah from greyscale through the ancient forgotten technique of... cutting off the greyscale. Sam says she can repay him with a pardon for stealing Citadel books and his dad's sword

[not for abandoning the Night's Watch. I mean, everyone's doing it nowadays hehe]

Anyway, she says sorry but she killed his dad (who he hated) and Sam's like 'well at least I have my brother, eh?' and Dany's like

Sam is upset, which I suppose is a natural reaction to losing the abusive father who threatened to kill you unless you joined the Night's Watch and the little brother who hated you. I'd get a conflict between sad and angry and relieved but nope, Sam is just SAD.

Meanwhile, back out in the courtyard (still), Bran tells Sam to tell Jon about the whole he's not who he thinks he is thing because he's waiting for a mate. This is fine, but it now means it comes across as Sam telling Jon that he's the true heir because he's mad at Dany for killing his dad and brother. Much like the dragons scene, I'd always pictured this moment as much more powerful. Jon discovering his true identity. Not Sam getting in a few digs at Dany.

Ah well.

Jon like

Sam heads down to the crypts and tells Jon he is actually Aegon [lol nope sorry] and he's the rightful heir to the throne.
So Jon doesn't get it, saying he always thought of Ned as honourable. Erm, Jon? This was an honourable thing to do?
Also, it feels a bit like Sam glosses over the whole being-related-to-Dany thing and I'm not entirely convinced he gets that bit so that'll be a fun revelation.

Then it's the next scene - I don't know where this is.

Honestly, it's so dark at this point that all I can see is my own confused face in the black TV screen. I can hear bits and pieces but see NOTHING until Beric's sword lights up the screen. Edd sees Tormund and tells the men behind him "Stay back he's got blue eyes" and it was the first line in about four seasons that's made me laugh out loud.

Eventually, you see that the Umber boy is attached to the wall, with a load of... meat? Human flesh? Anyway, it's around him in a spiral. There's a jump scare and he comes back to life, screeching before Beric sets him alight.

Few points from this bit:

• Tormund and Beric survived the Wall collapsing
• Beric can still light his sword with Thoros of Myr dead
• We haven't seen the army of the undead since last season
• The Night's King enjoys leaving weird sigils for people to find like a Criminal Minds serial killer

Final scene follows a hooded mysterious horserider, which turns out to be Jaime. He gets off his horse and sees Bran in his chair [presumably frozen, he's been out there for AGES] and they just stare at each other. It is essentially this scene:

Phew. It's over.

That was a weirdly jam packed episode where nothing actually happened.

Highlights:

• Arya and Jon reuniting
• Edd's blue eyes comment

Lowlights:

• The lack of reaction about the army of the dead passing through the Wall
• WHERE IS GHOST
• The presentation of Sansa as a catty girl rather than the most informed person on the show
• Night's King leaving coded messages 

Summative comment:

Head on over to my twitter (@noneedtomoan) for daily updates but I'll be back same time next week. I haven't seen the trailer yet but safe to say I don't have high hopes. This week's episode annoyed me with its sheer inoffensiveness - there's so much to get through in only five more episodes and they're wasting SO much time. Get a jog on, guys!

xo

Season Seven, Episode Seven - The Dragon and the Wolf

I used to watch Game of Thrones every week, waking up at 01:45am on a Monday morning to live-tweet my thoughts (@noneedtomoan) and staying up late that night to write a full review (if you want to catch up on season seven, here are my previous rants: E1, E2 , E3, E4, E5 and E6). I even had a podcast with two of my friends, analysing each episode between us (She, Herself and Guy).
We were gathering a very small but loyal following but, sadly, my Mac had other plans. It tragically died a death with my blog post of the finale of Season Seven on it. In the midst of planning a wedding, I did nothing further. Without my Mac, I couldn't edit the final podcast episode either. I was so busy that I just let it all go.

However, a Facebook friend of mine excitedly shared a trailer for Season Eight of Game of Thrones recently and I realised I couldn't sit back and stay quiet. It was time to return, kicking and screaming, and I couldn't do that properly until I'd thoroughly reviewed the Season Seven finale.
That leads us to now. I sit in my front room, cup of coffee in front of me, notepad in hand, brightness turned all the way up (OMG IT'S SO DARK), and ready to remember what actually happened in the final episode of the penultimate season of Game of Thrones (I've honestly blocked it out so this will be as emotional anger-inducing as it was the first time round).

Apparently it was a brilliant episode...

"This felt like a return to focusing on the basics of drama — great writing, acting and direction — and was the best episode of the season" - Entertainment Weekly

Let's see if I agree.

We kick off with a recap, which is actually very helpful in my situation:

Me when I begin to remember last episode 

• Euron takes Yara and Theon literally gets in the sea rather than saving her
• Sansa sends Brienne to King's Landing, discovers the bag of faces (OMG HOW COULD I FORGET?!) and is threatened by Arya
• Tyrion and Jaime have a Bronn-facilitated meeting to arrange for Cersei to see proof of the Army of the Dead
• The Night's King kills the Dragon Not Important Enough To Have A Name and makes it an undead wight with blue eyes
• Dany and Jon hold hands (oo-er) and he calls her his queen

Okay let's crack on then. I'll try and do this geographically but there's some confusing crossover bits that I'll have to try and tackle when I reach them.

We open on a shit tonne of Unsullied and Dothraki soldiers at King's Landing and Bronn and Jaime having a nice chat about cocks rather than anything meaningful. Bronn even says he's starting to think that Team Cersei is "about to be the downtrodden"

[Very early for my first aside but doesn't this beg the question - why do Dany and Jon need Cersei? Their armies are much more vast so what can the Lannister army truly bring to help? Wouldn't they have been better off staying up North and readying themselves for battle there? Collecting all the dragonstone they can find? Training the Unsullied and Dotrhraki in combat with the wights? This entire endeavour feels pointless to me. Especially them ALL going. Maybe that's just me.]

The rest of Dany's crew, minus Dany, is arriving by boat. Tyrion makes some SWEET brothel jokes and the Hound goes below deck to bang on the crate with the wight in it and remind everyone what we're doing here.

Meanwhile, Cersei is finding out from Qyburn and Jaime that Dany isn't on the boat with the rest of her cronies and is not happy about it. Regardless, she heads over to the Dragonpit for the meeting.

[I mean, if I were Queen and meeting up with a known enemy who has dragons and wants me dead, I'd definitely meet somewhere with a lot of space overhead, enough for a deadly dragon or three to land in comfortably. Great idea. What could possibly happen?]

Before she goes, she tells Dead Mountain to kill the "silver haired bitch" first, should anything go wrong (#Feminism). Interestingly, Tyrion ranks at No. 2 on the 'who-to-kill- and-when' list... Tyrion. The man she blames for her children's deaths. The man who killed her father. The man she has always been terrified of because she knows she will die at his hand one day. Whoops. They cut that prophecy. (Gah. I really intended to avoid book references. Sorry. My bad.)

Jaime has a weird reaction to all of this. He looks almost concerned about Cersei's murderous impulses. Almost like this is a new side to her, wanting to kill a few people.  This is the woman who blew up the sept containing all of the Tyrells, septons and numerous innocent onlookers.
I'm glad they're distancing Jaime from Cersei but it feels miles too late.
If he's stood by her this far, what will it take for him to actually leave her?
Where is our 'honour' story arc for Jaime? (Ffs, once you start with the book references apparently you can't stop. Soz. Again. I'll reign it in.)


Next, we cut to the gang (minus Gendry... where's he? The Wall? Remember when he was the true heir to the Baratheon throne? Good times) transporting the wight to the Dragonpit. Then, let's waste some time in the finale for no apparent reason by having meaningless catch ups with people who haven't seen in other in a while!

Catch Up 1 - Pod and Tyrion
As much as I loved these two as a duo many moons ago, this conversation added nothing to anything. A nod would have done the same job. Whatever, Bronn realises this and helpfully interrupts by reminding everyone that Pod has a massive magic penis.

[Interesting how this useless fact about Pod has never been forgotten. Anytime we see him, it's brought up. Unlike other character traits - The Hound's fear of fire, which disappeared when he had to mount a dragon, Family Man Davos forgetting his dead son at the hands of Tyrion when they join forces, Jon looking more like Ned than any of the other Starks until he conveniently doesn't last episode - THIS, this penis fact that is completely made up and adds nothing to his character or the rest of the storyline, THIS is remembered]

Catch Up 2 - Brienne and Hound
I suppose this wasn't the absolute worst but only because the actors sold it to me. I have to admit that I liked the Hound's proud smile when he found out people need protecting from Arya but, if we're honest, the overall conversation was still incredibly unnecessary and taught us nothing new. To say that they've cut the episodes down from 10 to 7, they're still including a whole heap of shit we don't need here.

Catch Up 3 - Tyrion and Pod (again), with Bronn
As Bronn said, there's no time for Tyrion to suck Pod's magic cock but there's plenty of time for him to do it to himself as he decrees the are the "heroes of Blackwater Bay". Bronn tries to convince Tyrion, and the rest of us, that arranging this meeting meant no risk to him but it is weirdly above and beyond the call of duty for a man that used to be a sell sword, fighting for the highest bidder. He also turns Tyrion's offer of double the money to change allegiances. It feels a lot like Bronn is loyal to the Lannisters now, sticking his neck out for them, where before this loyalty could easily be bought. (#GoodGuyBronn)

Catch ups over, the Hound leaves the wight outside and they enter THE DRAGON PIT (sorry, the dramatic music made me feel like all caps was necessary). Pod and Bronn leave for a pint, despite the latter organising the whole thing and saying to Tyrion moments earlier that it would get him in Cersei's good books.

Cersei and her mates enter and everyone seems to recognise the giant, Mountain-shaped soldier following her as the dead Gregor Clegane. The Hound visibly reacts and Tyrion agrees that it would seem that every Lannister has a "Clegane c*nt" to help them see their bad plans through.

Me trying to work out how everyone's ok with the Mountain

[This is confusing to me. Everyone knows this is the Mountain? Even though the Dornish were sent 'his head' as justice for Oberyn Martell's death? They're all okay with necromancy, just not when it's the White Walkers? They've travelled across Westeros to prove to Cersei that the undead exist when she has one working for her and they all KNOW THAT? Why can they not get Qyburn to 'fix' some of the wights then? Also, why did Jon tell Davos to keep his resurrection a secret? I assumed it was because people didn't particularly approve of necromancy... But the Mountain can be raised from the dead and work for Cersei and that's fine? WHAT?!]

Just as we had catch ups earlier, we now enjoy about 30 seconds of meaningful glances between people:
Jaime and Brienne
Cersei and Tyrion
Euron and Theon

Oooh. Tense. *eyeroll*

Anyway, it's been a while since there was any #CleganeBowl hype so the writers make sure the Hound goes straight up to his dead-not-dead brother and, somehow knowing he wouldn't be able to answer any questions, has a one sided conversation about how he definitely remembers him and how the Mountain knows this isn't how it ends for him - someone else is coming for him. And, even though now would probably be a mint time to prove this to him (the world is about to end because of the wights, who knows when you'll see him again), the Hound decides to walk back out the way he came.
#CleganeBowl for Season Eight, anyone?

Dany arrives by dragon, late. No real reaction from anyone tbh. No sense of wonder at these creatures that haven't been seen by anyone of this generation. They've just heard stories of them. Here they are, the mythical creatures and...

.... This is pretty much it from everyone.

Even if you want to say that these people were all too tense and scared about the meeting to react, we could've seen some of the commoners of King's Landing reacting to dragons overhead for the first time in their lifetimes. That may have been cool. 

So charisma-less Dany arrives and takes her seat and... says nothing while Tyrion stands up. I get that queens may not talk for themselves. But Cersei certainly does. This feels less like Dany showing her power and more like the writers having a hard on for Tyrion but whatever.

Obvious Euron is on my side too because he's having none of this and shouts over Tyrion to Theon, demandign he submit in order to save Yara. 

Everyone ignores him and, after some snide dwarf jokes, we're back on task. Good ole Jon steps in now because it's not enough to have one man explaining the obvious to two important women. He tells them about the Army of the Dead.
The Hound, hearing his cue from underground, drags the crate up from a different place to where he left it because #drama. The wight runs directly for Cersei until the Hound grabs a chain and stops it (The Mountain was legit useless here so it doesn't bode well for battle, Cersei bbz). He further demonstrates its resilience by chopping it up with his normal sword, only for it to continue moving.

Cersei remains unmoved,  Jaime looks confused and Qyburn, in all honesty, is incredibly aroused, picking up the hand for later use. Not quite the reaction they were hoping for from their demonstration I think.

Jon then goes into further detail about how only fire and dragonglass can destroy the wights and I scream in frustration for a little bit.
Where was this confirmation last episode? Because I'm pretty sure that no one covered this before they left on their stupid, stupid mission. 

The gang that ventured beyond the wall all had weapons and spears but it was never really specified that this was dragonglass, even though they all seemed to successfully kill wights as they attacked. FFS, Jon killed the main guy with his sword. Yes, it was a Valyrian steel sword and this had already happened way back in Season Five, Episode Five (Hardhome) but then why doesn't he mention this?

He lists these two methods as the only ways the wights can be killed when this is clearly not true and clearly wasn't explained to the little A-Team squadron that went beyond the wall last episode. GOD, JON YOU'RE SO STUPID.


Sorry, back to the episode. Euron, who's read the synopsis of last week's mission beyond the wall, asks if the wights can swim and Jon says no.

Sigh.

Why do I do this to myself?

Wights can't swim. Cool. We have mild evidence of this because they will not cross water until it's iced over. Very true, well done Jon.

Except, remember last episode? When Tormund was being dragged into the water by some wights that had just been pushed in there by the Hound?
I couldn't find a GIF for this bit but I rewatched and screenshotted the moment the wights popped out of the water and, trust me, those bastards can SWIM.
This also makes you wonder why the wights spent the entire night on the other side of the water surrounding the A-Team last episode. Could it have been for plot purposes? Or maybe, genuinely, this moment pictured is the moment they realised they can swim? Mainly, my point is THEY CAN SWIM.
This makes me angry because Jorah was there when this was happening to Tormund and he helped him out of the situation. Jorah knows wights can swim but says NOTHING now. This is his moment to look smarter than Jon in front of Dany and he doesn't take it? I call bullshit. The writers needed Euron to go at this point and his only excuse to go was that it was safer to be on water. #plothole

Oh, just in case you don't think two wights surviving a mild dunking from the Hound is evidence that they can swim, please enjoy this GIF of the wights using chains to pull out the undead version of The Dragon Not Important Enough To Have A Name.
How did they get the chains under/attached to the dragon? Someone would have to be able to swim and I can only see wights, how about you? I put less credence to this because, for now, Jon and co don't know about this, but we certainly do.
Wights can swim and D&D are such terrible writers that they have to leave massive gaping plot holes in order to move their story forward.

Whatever.
Euron goes back to the Iron Islands . Bye.

Cersei was apparently more moved than her face let on during the wight display and agrees to the truce on one condition - Jon, King of the North, cannot pick a side. He must remain neutral.

[Quickly, I find it curious that Dany is called a 'would-be usurper' by Cersei and Robb was called a traitor for saying he was King of the North but Jon is just allowed to do it? And is forgiven? #doublestandards]

Well this is supes awks because Jon JUST declared Dany to be his queen last episode.

Cersei also takes this moment to remind us all that Jon is Ned Stark's son (lel foreshadowing) and that Ned was always true to his word, even when he lied about committing treason to protect his family.

Everyone @ Jon

Jon comes clean -- he's already pledged allegiance to Dany. Soz. Everyone's a bit annoyed at him for telling the truth and Cersei is now unwilling to make a deal. She says the undead will be the North's problem first and storms right out of there.

Everyone berates Jon for telling the truth and dropping himself in it, ruining the plan, and Dany reminds him that No Name Dead Dragon (if they won't name him properly, neither will I) died for the cause and, right now, that means nothing.

Welcome to Game of Thrones, Dany. Nothing means anything.

Tyrion tells Jon off for not knowing when he needs to lie and Jon doesn't care; he cannot swear an oath he can't uphold, even if it is the attitude that got Ned killed.

[Gah. Jon. Ned was beheaded by Joffrey because the Lannisters had him up against a wall: he had to lie and say he was a traitor before and now he believes Joffrey to be the true King. If he didn't tell this lie, Sansa would be in danger as they held her hostage. The only reason Ned was able to be publicly executed like this was because he told this lie. If he'd stuck to his guns, they may have kept him prisoner forever, torturing Sansa and using him as a bargaining chip with Robb. I KNOW Ned is remembered as an incredibly honourable man but he lied about this and, of course, he told the lie that saved Jon's life: he is my bastard son. He knew lying was crucial when lives were at stake. Don't blame your weirdly honest response to Cersei here on Ned. This is all you, Jon. You idiot.]

Jon: "When enough people make false promises, words stop meaning anything"
I mean this bit should essentially be the tagline for Seasons 5-7.

So, Jon's got us all in a right pickle. Not to worry! Wise Ole Tyrion will save us!
He heads to the Red Keep to see Cersei, who tells him his only goal is to destroy the Lannisters. Remorseful Tyrion then shares with her that he hates himself for killing Tywin because D&D can't very well have their ultimate hero going around saying he did the right thing, can they? Even though Angry Tyrion had every reason to kill Tywin and enjoyed killing him and Shae (never forget this needless death, guys). I hate that they've written in this shame; it seems so ill-matched to Actual Tyrion, who is meant to be complicated and have elements of good and bad - he isn't just a 'good guy'. Sigh.

Anyway, Cersei cares not a jot for this regret, as Evil Tyrion killed Myrcella (he did push the whole Dorne thing, fair) and Tommen (pretty sure he committed suicide but ok), even if he didn't kill Joffrey (this must be news to Tyrion - who, as far as I know, doesn't know about Olenna's deathbed confession. Weird that he doesn't  ask what's changed her mind since they last spoke...)
Martyr Tyrion tells her to kill him and my big question is: Why. The. Fuck. Doesn't. She.

[Cersei has hated Tyrion for most of her life. She has threatened him multiple times. Dany and Jon are already against her and most of that gang predict that he's going into a dangerous meeting anyway -- I don't think they'd be surprised if she killed him. Yes, Tyrion claims he is The Dany Whisperer and, if he wasn't advising her, she would've brought fire and blood to King's Landing but I don't think Team Dany have time to take vengeance for his death straight away. They'd have to go kill all the wights before they come back for Cersei... Exactly what they are going to do anyway. I honestly cannot understand why Cersei doesn't take this moment. I also can't understand why the writers continue to keep Tyrion alive when his death would be incredibly shocking and make good TV. Remember when we never used to know who they'd kill off next? Yeah, that element of mystery is long gone. Tyrion will stay alive no matter what he does or says. Because he is Tyrion.]

Whatever. Cersei's pregnant. Whoop-de-doo.

*cough* Dany. Dany did that. *cough*

Meanwhile, back at the Dragonpit, Jon and Dany are having a chat while handling bones of dragons past.
Sexy.

Dany says in Valyrian "A dragon is not a slave" sand she slags off her ancestors for keeping dragons chained up in the dragonpit because yeah what awful person would do that to keep their citizens safe?

Anyway, they have a nice chat and Dany blurts out "I CAN'T HAVE CHILDREN" and, when Jon asks her how she knows this, she says that the witch that murdered her husband told her.

Okay. I don't want to be a dick here, Dany, but let's go back to your husband's death. Mirri Maz Duur 'cured him' and killed your unborn child. Drogo was left in a vegetative state and this exchange happened:

And that was it. Then, you didn't want Drogo to live this way so YOU mercy-killed him. So let's not refer to the witch as a murderer, maybe, yeah? Also, Mirri Maz Duur made no prophecy about your ability to have children. I know I said I wouldn't bring them up but the only place with that information in is the books. D&D can't have it both ways -- they can't tell us to think of the TV series as a separate entity to the books and then nick stuff from the books that they've forgotten to seed earlier on. It is REALLY important that Dany has thought she was barren since Mirri Maz Duur's prophecy. It seeds her attachment to the dragons as her children, her sympathy and anger over children being enslaved and killed in Mereen, and the way she is torn about the Iron Throne - she knows she deserves it and it is hers, but she cannot produce an heir, so who will sit on the throne after her? This obviously just seemed like boring book stuff to D&D, and not important character development, so they cut it from Season One. But, now, when it needs to be a surprise that she will be pregnant with Jon Snow's child next season (I mean, duh), they have to have a OMG of course she can't get pregnant bit first. 

Oh, wow, I didn't think I was this angry but apparently I am, sorry.

Back to Dany and Jon, who are, I think, meant to be understanding and trusting one another at this point. We're meant to feel that white-hot chemistry burning between them but... It's just Kit and Emilia pointing their dead eyes in each other's direction and I hate everything and everyone and I wish I hadn't rewatched because honestly we're barely into it and there's so much more bullshit to come in this episode and I might have to take a break to cry for a little bit.

Hero Tyrion returns to the Dragonpit, closely followed by Cersei, who reluctantly agrees to call her banners to march North alongside Dany for the Great War.

Later, Cersei speaks to Jaime and reveals they are not sending their troops to help fight the wights at all. TWAS ALL A LIE. Jaime is appalled and shocked (not sure how, this is classic Cersei) at her lies and Cersei tries to convince him it's for the best, using their unborn baby as the main reason. Then, big reveal: it turns out Euron isn't really going back to the Iron Islands - he's heading to Essos to get the 20,000 men, horses, and elephants of the Golden Company in return for Cersei's hand in marriage.
Jaime is heartbroken and finally sees Cersei for what she is. Apparently of all the horrendous, murderous things she's done (killing everyone at the sept, sleeping with Lancel etc etc), her plotting with Euron Greyjoy behind his back is the last straw. He tries to storm out but Cersei threatens him with treason and seems to signal The Mountain to do something. For a millisecond, I forget that this is Season Seven and not Season Three and I think that maybe there might be a shock death of a named character but, alas not. It is not clear if Cersei decides to let Jaime go or if The Mountain is a bit slow on the uptake (I mean, he is dead) and doesn't do as he is asked. Maybe she needs a clearer signal for 'kill him'.
So this is two traitorous brothers that have asked Cersei to kill them now. Number dead: 0.
Then, as Jaime is leaving King's Landing, it begins to snow. Finally, winter has arrived in the very warm-looking capital.

[Given this reveal, I can't help but feel like the whole Cersei/Dany meet was a pointless excuse to get all the actors together in one scene. Think about it: if Dany would have sent a raven and Cersei would have said no to helping... Would the episode have ended any differently? If they'd just sent the Hound with the wight? Any difference? Really, Team Dany should have stayed North and began preparations for the Great War, rather than faffing about trying to convince someone who hates them all to help them.]

#boatsex

Back at Dragonstone (I'm assuming because of the map), there's some planning about how Dany will travel North. Jorah makes the excellent point that a dragon journey is quicker and much safer but Jon offers a boat.
Which has bedrooms. For... Sleeping.

If you know what I mean.

Theon then takes a minute to catch up with Jon and, I have to take a minute here for Alfie Allen. He absolutely acts his socks off in this scene and I only wish he'd been given some good lines to deliver. Imagine what he could do with a situation that actually makes sense. Gah, what a waste. Anyway, Jon says some nonsense about how Ned was a father to Theon (he wasn't, Theon was a 'ward' or a political prisoner, being held by the Starks to ensure the Greyjoys didn't revolt again. The Stark family always kept Theon at arm's length because he wasn't one of them. It is known) and that he's a Greyjoy and a Stark. NO HE'S NOT.
Theon decides to do the right thing and go and rescue Yara at last (isn't Ellaria Sand being held by Euron too? Does anyone remember her? Have the Dornish just given up? Or do D&D want to pretend Season Five never happened?) so he goes down to the beach to ask some Ironborne men to back him in his rescue attempt.
He has a fight with the leader of the group, who keeps telling him to stay down, but Theon continues to get up and fight. Then, the Unnamed Ironborne man knees Theon between the legs because punching him in the face and heabutting him had been working too well. But, obviously Theon has been castrated so there is NO PAIN WHATSOEVER.

Okay. Okay. This was embarrassing.

Entertainment Weekly said of this scene:

"This isn't meant to be funny. If you can get past that this moment hinges on that silliest of comedic tropes - the kick in the nuts - it's emotionally powerful".

I think EW are giving the writers too much credit here and, honestly 99% of viewers will have had this reaction:

After the shock of the moment, Theon smiles and manages to get four punches to the leader's head, which apparently kills him, and the Ironborne all shout "Yara!" and go on their merry way.

Okay let's head to Winterfell. Not because I want to, but because we have to.
Littlefinger is trying to be the great puppet master he was once rumoured to be before the TV show got their hands on him and tells Sansa to imagine the worst case scenario of why Arya is back. This isn't hard for her: Arya out-and-out threatened her with death when they were on their own in her room so Sansa naturally is very wary of her little sister.
Later, there is a meeting in the Great Hall, she lists the accusations of treason and murder and then reveals... It's Lord Baelish she is accusing!
DUN DUN DUNNNNN
Littlefinger is very surprised but no one else is. She lists his crimes: killing Jon Arryn, convincing Lysa Arryn to write to her sister stating the Lannisters killed her husband before throwing her out of the Moon Door, plotting with Cersei to kill Ned Stark...
All of these things, which probably should've been brought up sooner, eh?

Give me strength.

Littlefinger very fairly says that they have no proof but UH OH SUPER ALL-KNOWING BRAN ALERT. Apparently, just like Westeros has accepted necromancy in the form of The Mountain, The North has accepted that Bran is a magic all-seeing, all-knowing boy, whose visions* can be trusted and can be used as evidence in a trial.

*just checking - didn't the Three Eyed Raven's visions always come from the network of weirwood trees? And that's why the original 3ER (RIP) was most powerful in the cave of weirwood roots? He was connected to everything. I don't remember a weirwood tree in King's Landing when Littlefinger threatened Ned and said the famous "I told you not to trust me" line, so how has Bran-The-New-3ER seen this?

Apparently it's only me, yet again, that cares about the semantics because the Northerners take Bran's word as gospel and ignore his requests to give him safe passage back to the Eeyrie because he is Lord Protector of the Vale (I wonder how Robin is doing, btw).
Sansa remembers that Littlefinger also sold her to the Boltons and how that wasn't too great and Littlefinger realises he can't talk his way out of this one. He begs for forgiveness on his knees, making him the perfect height for Arya to slash his throat, in the traditional execution method of the North. (How cool would it have been for them to behead Littlefinger where Ned beheaded the traitor of the Night's Watch way back in the first episode? With Bran watching on like he did back then? They love Ned in one scene then go out of their way to avoid callbacks in others, just to make sure we know how much of a bad arse Arya is).

Later, Sam and Gilly arrive with tiny baby Sam, whose age makes me want to punch things, and Sam immediately goes to see Bran The Wise All-Knowing. Bran obviously knows who it is at the door without looking up and tells him that he can see everything in the past and everything that is happened now, all over the world. Then he asks what Sam is doing there (slightly less all-knowing than we originally thought).
Bran then becomes Mr Exposition and tells us what has been clunkily written into every Jon scene this season: Jon is not Ned's son, his mother is Bran's aunt, Lyanna Stark. He needs to tell Jon this. He's been corresponding with Jon pretty regularly via ravens but he hasn't told him this but HE NEEDS TO KNOW (?!)
Bran tells us that his name should be Sand, not Snow, because he was a bastard born in Dorne. Sam then tells Bran something he doesn't know (I mean, I'm starting to think that's most things): Rheagar Targaryen had his first marriage with Elia Martell annulled (despite two children together... THIS ISN'T WHAT ANNULMENT IS) and married Lyanna in secret. Jon isn't a bastard.

Budget issues = wig reuse

Bran the Three Eyed Raven has a vision of a wedding somewhere very un-Dorne-like of a man in the Viserys wig (Rheagar, we can presume) marrying Lyanna in secret.

Bran's narration then says that Robert's Rebellion was built on a lie because Lyanna wasn't kidnapped and raped - she chose to marry Rheagar.

[Hello. Me again, with an angry aside. True, Lyanna's 'abduction' was the initial catalyst for Robert's Rebellion but so was Mad Aegon's behaviour. I mean, don't skirt around the fact that he killed Rickard and Brandon under horrendous, torturous circumstances and then called for both Robert's and Ned's heads. That definitely did more to get backing for the rebellion than Lyanna's plight.]

Okay, this is where my geographical summary kind of falls apart as, intercut with this flashback and Bran's narration in Winterfell, is the boat sex scene.

Look how mad he is!!

Jon knocks on Dany's door.
There are no words.
He enters her room.
We pan back to the hallway... and Tyrion is v mad about this.
Lol why?
I know we like seeing Tyrion's angry face but why would he be mad about this? Jon's already pledged his allegiance. Jon and Dany both take Tyrion's advice; it's not like Jon opposes Tyrion regularly.
CONFUSING ANGRY TYRION IS ANGRY.

Anyway, over the top of some awfully passionless sex and Lyanna whispering to Ned, Bran tells us that Jon is the rightful heir to the Iron Throne and his real name is Aegon.

[Erm. What?
Rheagar already has a son called Aegon with Elia. Is he that much of a dick that he would delegitimise his children with his first wife and then name his 'true' heir born of his second wife after his other son? That's so WEIRD. I thought Rheagar was supposed to be a good guy? This is a dick move.]

Obviously Dany and Jon don't know this and so the aunt and nephew precede to have sex. They are definitely naked and writhing but it's all very awkward and incredibly un-sexy. This can't just be me.
Whatever. Sex is done. Incest is still a thing, even now Jaime and Cersei are over. Hooray!

Back on the rooftop, Sansa and Arya are finally having the nice bonding Stark sister moment they should have had the moment Arya returned.
[Honestly, this double bluff of Sansa being wary of Arya only to trust inherently over Littlefinger in a 'shock twist' is so STUPID. Why would Arya threaten to rip Sansa's face off? They were on their own, this wasn't to trick Littlefinger that they were arguing - they genuinely were. The only reason for it was so the audience would be surprised at what happens next, but it's totally out of character, as we see in this finale on the roof.]

Arya and Sansa discuss Ned and how the lone wolf dies but the pack survives. This could have been said last episode without Sansa finding the bag of faces (loooooool, every time) and without any threat from Arya. Then, the audience could be super hyped for them to team up and take Littlefinger down.

[The scene of Arya threatening to kill Sansa when they were secretly friends all along  is on a level with this smile from Hans in Frozen:

Only the audience sees it so we believe he is a good guy, when later on you find out he's only after Anna for the crown and he doesn't love her at all. THEN WHY SMILE LIKE THIS, HANS?!
Sorry, I forgot what I was meant to be ranting about. Hopefully you get my point.]

I do also love how they only talk about missing their dad here. No mentions for their mum or their two brothers. All dead, guys. Not just Ned. There were other Starks.

Finally, back with Bran, he's having a vision of Eastwatch. Tormund and Beric are on the Wall when, after seven LONG seasons, the Army of the Dead have reached the Wall. There's bloody loads of 'em. To make matters worse, the Night's King has only gone and got an ice dragon, hasn't he?
Unnamed Dead-Now-Undead Dragon breathes blue flames at the Wall, which WORKS. It burns a hole through the Wall and many Night's Watchmen are thrown to their deaths (I'm going to go out on a limb here and say expect to see Tormund and Beric alive again next season, though).

Season Seven ends with the wights crossing the Wall and arriving in Westeros.
Considering the distance between the Wall and Winterfell in the show so far, they should arrive immediately next episode but let's not dwell too much on that.

Aaaand we're done! Good God, now I remember why I'd blocked this episode out.
Fewer plot holes and time/travel issues to get angry about but still a very problematic finale.


High Points:

• The Hound's smile about Arya
•    
•  

Low Points:

• Pointless truce talks that did nothing for the plot
• Jaime's character assassination
• Jon = Aegon WTF
• Tyrion still being alive

Summary:

I'm sorry this is so lengthy but, to be fair, so was the 1hr 21min episode.
I will be back soon with a blog post of everything we've been given for Season Eight so far. I have lots of feelings about it all.
Follow me on Twitter for daily saltiness: @noneedtomoan

This April is going to be rough, isn't it?